The river press. [volume], June 29, 1881, Page 7, Image 7

About The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current

Image provided by: Montana Historical Society; Helena, MT

                
FLOATING FANCIES.
A grass widow isn't green by any means.
A western editor wrote an article on "Rhu
barb," and the compositor made pi of it.
"Will the coming man fly ?" He probably
will when the coming woman gets after him.
Adam carried the vote of the first ward,
city of Eden, in his vest pocket.-Ex. And
where did he carry his vest pocket?
"Is your daughter at home, Mr. Brusk ?"
"Yes, sir; and so is her mother." Callow
said he'd "call some other day," but he never'
did.
Cucumbers are only thirty-five cents each
in Yonkers. That's cheap enough for the
ucumber, but it's the funeral that costs like
hunder.
Drinking beer may quench the thirst, but
it will not refresh the memory. That deli
cate matter is one of the unpleasant duties of
the bar-tender.
It, is stated by eminent naturalists that the
very rats come creeping out of the woodpile
and laugh like demons when a woman tries
to saw a stick of wood.
The inhabitants of- the Cannibal Islands
have discovered trichirae in an American
missioin.ary. This is a sad blow at one of the
country's leading exports.
Notice at the door of a ready-made cloth
ing establishment in one of the poorer quar
ters of Paris: "Do not go somewhere else
to be rntubed ; walk in here."
Unmarried men c:nlnot appreciate the fEel
itgs of the fellow whose wife sends him to
get S methiug out of the pocket of the dress
that's hanging up in the closet.
We know a lady who never hurries her
dressmaker. She waits until all the neigh
b)rs get through with her. This lady, by the
way, is the best posted on village news of
any person in town.
When a boy walks with a girl as though
he were afraid some one would see him, the
girl is his sister. If he walks so close to her
as to nearly crowd her against the fence, she
is somebody else's sister.
A Boston girl thanked a man who gave
her his seat in a street car, and he married
her and proved to be worth $400,000. (We
circulate this lie in the hope of inducing the
girls to be a little more courteous.)
It is no uncommon thing to see the boy
who is so lame it almost gives him the lock
jaw to go after a bucket of water, slip out
the back way and run the bases in a game of
ball at the rate of forty miles an hour.
"My lovely husband, my dearest, dearest
William-" "There, dear, never mind; you
muss my collar. It's all right ; I saw you
buy the hat. How much is the bill? I'll
give you the money next week. Don't cry."
A newly-married lady was telling another
bow nicely her husband could write. "Oib,
you should just see some of his love-letters !"
"Yes, I know," was the freezing reply, "I've
got a bushel cf them at home in my trunk."
The Vermont housewife who read that
English noblemen have lots of hares in their
preserves, says she tried it to the extent of
putting a whole chignon into some blackberry
jam, and the jm didn't seem a bit better for
A newspapar with a paragraph on Bjorn
sterne Bjurnson was accidentally dropped
from the deck of an ocean steamer, and in
five minutes a dead whale rose to the surface.
The miserable monster had perished from
lock-j aw.
The difficulty originated in this way. Said
Gallagher to Ragbag : "I heard a story just
now that was runny enough to make a jack
ass laugh. Let me'tell it to you." "Don't
you slur me by any such remarks as that I"
roared Ragbag, angrily.
"I can't find a place in the city to suit me,"
despairingly remarked a house-hunting lady
to her husband. "Why so, my dear" "Why,
because-because---weil, if you must know,
I can't find a mantel long enough for the
lambrequin I made last winter."
A young man, while out rowing with a
pretty girl was led, under the influence of a
spring evening, moonshine, and other roman
tic surroundings, to ask her to "row in the
same boat with him for life." "On one con
dition," she answered promptly, "and that is
that 1 steer."
This confounded slang does raise the very
mischief. When a handsome young wife
went to a hardware store to get one of those
wooden contrivances to smash potatoes, and
said, "I want a masher," every man in the
store, from the boss to the office Y, started
to attend her.
"How unfortunate!" exclainied a good
.New Haven lady, "I see by the paper that
young Green gage just missed being run over
and killed by an express wagon." Sensation
in the room, and the young lady of the house,
who is sweet on Greengage, stepped out on
the veranda to allow her feelings to subside,.
Genevieve Ward is shocked beyond all ex
pression because men and women are com
pelled to sleep in the same sleeping-car. It
is dreadful. We have often worried over the
same thing, and been afraid to go to sleep,
lest some woman should chloroform us and
kiss us in our dreams. No man is safe in a
mixed sleeping-car.
"What !" said a young lady to a compan
ion, "you are not going to marry that tall,
cloan, slender, consumptive-stricken fellow,
are you ?" "Yes, she is," volunteered the
young lady's little brother, looking up from
his broken cart-wheel: "she's going to mar
ry him and use him for a carpet-stretcher !"
'Ihe boy and the cart-wheel passed out by the
same door.
Two countrymen went into a hatter's to
b ay one of them a hat. They were delighted
with the sample, inside the crown of which
was inserted a looking-glass. "What is the
looking-glass for?" asked one of the men.
The other, impatient at such a display of
rural ignorance, exclaimed, "What for ? why
for the man who buys the hat to see how it
fits, of course."
At the wedding breakfast of Whitelaw
Reid and Miss Mills, the groom found at his
plate a slip of paper which proved to be a
certified check for $500,000 from the father
of the bride. At the wedding breakfast of
a Chicago man the groom found at his plate
a slip of paper, which proved to be a tailor's
bill. He gave it to the father of the bride.
A Chicago man's presence of mind never de
serts him.
Just received and in transit greatly exceed former purchases, in low prices, quality
and quantity.
T 6. LOWER . P 0
Will present during the season the finest lines of
Stock for the Retail and Jobbing Trade in
Ever brought to Benton. It is complete in every department, and close buyers will find
it to their interest to give it careful examination.
We make a specially of fancy groceries and novelt ies, as well as carry the staple lines for
the wholesale market demanded in the Territory. Our purchases this season
as the largest ever made for Montana, and are especially heavy in
Canned Goods, Fancy Groceries, Cigars and Tobaccos.
WAGONS AND AGRICULTURAL IMPLE IENTS!
All the styles of wagons and.carriages used in Montana, of the very best make and mate
rials, from the heaviest freight wagon to the light carriage or pbaeton.
We are the Largest Dealers in the Territory
In every variety of FARMIINC MACHINE OR IMPLEMENT including
threshing machines, reapers and mowers, hay rakes, sulky plows, beam plows,
wind mills, and all the tools and machinery used in modern farming,
And Can Sell Cheaper Than Any Other House.
Ladd's Tobacco and Hill's Extra Tobacco Sheep Dip.
We are making a specialty of sheep dip and recommend the above as the cheapest, safest
and most effective. Also other dips, of which sheep men can get what they
want cheaper than anywhere else.
CENERAL MERCHANDISE,
Consisting of Clothing, boots and shoes, and every article required in the Indian and fur
trade, a large supply of the best grades. The most diversified stock in Benton.
Everything a Stockman, Farmer, Miner or Mechanic Wants, at the Very
Lowest Rates.
We pay the Highest Prices for Hides, Furs and Peltries,
T. C. POWER & BR
W. H. BURGESS,
Wholesale and Retail Dealer in
STAPLE AND FANCY
GIOCERIES.
The Finest and lost Complete Stock of Fancy
G-roceries ever brought to Benton.
FINE CIGARS a SPECIALTY
W. H. BURCESS,
Murphy, Neel & Co.'s old stand, cor. Front and Benton Sts.
.... . . .. > ,. . . . . . . . . : , . ,, ,,,,, - ', , ~- ... . .. ... -_ ...... .... . . . .. . _. . - .-- - 7 i _
Grand Upening of New Goods
HR ESHBEg & NAT AN' ,
-0-
W7e have just recei-v-e( a large and fiull line of
Men's, Boys' and Children's Spring and Summer
C , OTH N
AND FURNISHING GOODS,
BOOTS, SHOES, HATS, CAPS,
Rubber and Gum Boots and Gum Clothing,
Which we offer to the public"at prices which will DEITY 'O()MPETITION. We t.ll',w
none to undersell us, and have
Call and see our goods and judge for yourselves.
-o -
We sell only Perfect Fitting Carments, and employ Tailors
for that especial purpose.
-0-
Orders by Mail or Express carefully filed without delay. Extra inducements given to the
Wholesale Trade.
HIRSHBERG & NATHAN,
_ FrontI St., I o "t B3eu-ntonIi, il. rl'
,.y -- .
i i
MOW , TABL*R-KAE,
WARVESTER & B NDER,
FOR SALE BY
MURPHY, NEEL & CO.,
Corner of Front and Benton Sts., BENTON,M. T.
W. E. TURNER, M . D.
PHYSICIAN AND SURCEON,
-DEALER INK
PERFUMERY, TOILET ARTICLES.
Paints, Oils, Varnishes, Brushes and Glass, Cigars, Notions
Confectionery, Etc.
FRESH CARD!N SEEDS.
THE FINEST SELECTED STOCK OFi WALL PAPER IN B1 NITON.
Front Street, - - - - Fort Benton, M. T,
An American Watch in a 4-oz Silver Case,for $18
(Fully Warranted.)
Inita Sleeve Bltton.I lade ,. Intana
G-oll, Always . " ' : " in Stock.
Agents For White's Sewing Machine.
Watches, and orders sent by mail, will receive prompt attention, and satisfaction guaran- i
teed in every instance.
W. C. BAILEY, Helena, M. T.