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A grass widow isn't green by any means. A western editor wrote an article on "Rhu barb," and the compositor made pi of it. "Will the coming man fly ?" He probably will when the coming woman gets after him. Adam carried the vote of the first ward, city of Eden, in his vest pocket.-Ex. And where did he carry his vest pocket? "Is your daughter at home, Mr. Brusk ?" "Yes, sir; and so is her mother." Callow said he'd "call some other day," but he never' did. Cucumbers are only thirty-five cents each in Yonkers. That's cheap enough for the ucumber, but it's the funeral that costs like hunder. Drinking beer may quench the thirst, but it will not refresh the memory. That deli cate matter is one of the unpleasant duties of the bar-tender. It, is stated by eminent naturalists that the very rats come creeping out of the woodpile and laugh like demons when a woman tries to saw a stick of wood. The inhabitants of- the Cannibal Islands have discovered trichirae in an American missioin.ary. This is a sad blow at one of the country's leading exports. Notice at the door of a ready-made cloth ing establishment in one of the poorer quar ters of Paris: "Do not go somewhere else to be rntubed ; walk in here." Unmarried men c:nlnot appreciate the fEel itgs of the fellow whose wife sends him to get S methiug out of the pocket of the dress that's hanging up in the closet. We know a lady who never hurries her dressmaker. She waits until all the neigh b)rs get through with her. This lady, by the way, is the best posted on village news of any person in town. When a boy walks with a girl as though he were afraid some one would see him, the girl is his sister. If he walks so close to her as to nearly crowd her against the fence, she is somebody else's sister. A Boston girl thanked a man who gave her his seat in a street car, and he married her and proved to be worth $400,000. (We circulate this lie in the hope of inducing the girls to be a little more courteous.) It is no uncommon thing to see the boy who is so lame it almost gives him the lock jaw to go after a bucket of water, slip out the back way and run the bases in a game of ball at the rate of forty miles an hour. "My lovely husband, my dearest, dearest William-" "There, dear, never mind; you muss my collar. It's all right ; I saw you buy the hat. How much is the bill? I'll give you the money next week. Don't cry." A newly-married lady was telling another bow nicely her husband could write. "Oib, you should just see some of his love-letters !" "Yes, I know," was the freezing reply, "I've got a bushel cf them at home in my trunk." The Vermont housewife who read that English noblemen have lots of hares in their preserves, says she tried it to the extent of putting a whole chignon into some blackberry jam, and the jm didn't seem a bit better for A newspapar with a paragraph on Bjorn sterne Bjurnson was accidentally dropped from the deck of an ocean steamer, and in five minutes a dead whale rose to the surface. The miserable monster had perished from lock-j aw. The difficulty originated in this way. Said Gallagher to Ragbag : "I heard a story just now that was runny enough to make a jack ass laugh. Let me'tell it to you." "Don't you slur me by any such remarks as that I" roared Ragbag, angrily. "I can't find a place in the city to suit me," despairingly remarked a house-hunting lady to her husband. "Why so, my dear" "Why, because-because---weil, if you must know, I can't find a mantel long enough for the lambrequin I made last winter." A young man, while out rowing with a pretty girl was led, under the influence of a spring evening, moonshine, and other roman tic surroundings, to ask her to "row in the same boat with him for life." "On one con dition," she answered promptly, "and that is that 1 steer." This confounded slang does raise the very mischief. When a handsome young wife went to a hardware store to get one of those wooden contrivances to smash potatoes, and said, "I want a masher," every man in the store, from the boss to the office Y, started to attend her. "How unfortunate!" exclainied a good .New Haven lady, "I see by the paper that young Green gage just missed being run over and killed by an express wagon." Sensation in the room, and the young lady of the house, who is sweet on Greengage, stepped out on the veranda to allow her feelings to subside,. Genevieve Ward is shocked beyond all ex pression because men and women are com pelled to sleep in the same sleeping-car. It is dreadful. We have often worried over the same thing, and been afraid to go to sleep, lest some woman should chloroform us and kiss us in our dreams. No man is safe in a mixed sleeping-car. "What !" said a young lady to a compan ion, "you are not going to marry that tall, cloan, slender, consumptive-stricken fellow, are you ?" "Yes, she is," volunteered the young lady's little brother, looking up from his broken cart-wheel: "she's going to mar ry him and use him for a carpet-stretcher !" 'Ihe boy and the cart-wheel passed out by the same door. Two countrymen went into a hatter's to b ay one of them a hat. They were delighted with the sample, inside the crown of which was inserted a looking-glass. "What is the looking-glass for?" asked one of the men. The other, impatient at such a display of rural ignorance, exclaimed, "What for ? why for the man who buys the hat to see how it fits, of course." At the wedding breakfast of Whitelaw Reid and Miss Mills, the groom found at his plate a slip of paper which proved to be a certified check for $500,000 from the father of the bride. At the wedding breakfast of a Chicago man the groom found at his plate a slip of paper, which proved to be a tailor's bill. He gave it to the father of the bride. A Chicago man's presence of mind never de serts him. Just received and in transit greatly exceed former purchases, in low prices, quality and quantity. T 6. LOWER . P 0 Will present during the season the finest lines of Stock for the Retail and Jobbing Trade in Ever brought to Benton. It is complete in every department, and close buyers will find it to their interest to give it careful examination. We make a specially of fancy groceries and novelt ies, as well as carry the staple lines for the wholesale market demanded in the Territory. Our purchases this season as the largest ever made for Montana, and are especially heavy in Canned Goods, Fancy Groceries, Cigars and Tobaccos. WAGONS AND AGRICULTURAL IMPLE IENTS! All the styles of wagons and.carriages used in Montana, of the very best make and mate rials, from the heaviest freight wagon to the light carriage or pbaeton. We are the Largest Dealers in the Territory In every variety of FARMIINC MACHINE OR IMPLEMENT including threshing machines, reapers and mowers, hay rakes, sulky plows, beam plows, wind mills, and all the tools and machinery used in modern farming, And Can Sell Cheaper Than Any Other House. Ladd's Tobacco and Hill's Extra Tobacco Sheep Dip. We are making a specialty of sheep dip and recommend the above as the cheapest, safest and most effective. Also other dips, of which sheep men can get what they want cheaper than anywhere else. CENERAL MERCHANDISE, Consisting of Clothing, boots and shoes, and every article required in the Indian and fur trade, a large supply of the best grades. The most diversified stock in Benton. Everything a Stockman, Farmer, Miner or Mechanic Wants, at the Very Lowest Rates. We pay the Highest Prices for Hides, Furs and Peltries, T. C. POWER & BR W. H. BURGESS, Wholesale and Retail Dealer in STAPLE AND FANCY GIOCERIES. The Finest and lost Complete Stock of Fancy G-roceries ever brought to Benton. FINE CIGARS a SPECIALTY W. H. BURCESS, Murphy, Neel & Co.'s old stand, cor. Front and Benton Sts. .... . . .. > ,. . . . . . . . . : , . ,, ,,,,, - ', , ~- ... . .. ... -_ ...... .... . . . .. . _. . - .-- - 7 i _ Grand Upening of New Goods HR ESHBEg & NAT AN' , -0- W7e have just recei-v-e( a large and fiull line of Men's, Boys' and Children's Spring and Summer C , OTH N AND FURNISHING GOODS, BOOTS, SHOES, HATS, CAPS, Rubber and Gum Boots and Gum Clothing, Which we offer to the public"at prices which will DEITY 'O()MPETITION. We t.ll',w none to undersell us, and have Call and see our goods and judge for yourselves. -o - We sell only Perfect Fitting Carments, and employ Tailors for that especial purpose. -0- Orders by Mail or Express carefully filed without delay. Extra inducements given to the Wholesale Trade. HIRSHBERG & NATHAN, _ FrontI St., I o "t B3eu-ntonIi, il. rl' ,.y -- . i i MOW , TABL*R-KAE, WARVESTER & B NDER, FOR SALE BY MURPHY, NEEL & CO., Corner of Front and Benton Sts., BENTON,M. T. W. E. TURNER, M . D. PHYSICIAN AND SURCEON, -DEALER INK PERFUMERY, TOILET ARTICLES. Paints, Oils, Varnishes, Brushes and Glass, Cigars, Notions Confectionery, Etc. FRESH CARD!N SEEDS. THE FINEST SELECTED STOCK OFi WALL PAPER IN B1 NITON. Front Street, - - - - Fort Benton, M. T, An American Watch in a 4-oz Silver Case,for $18 (Fully Warranted.) Inita Sleeve Bltton.I lade ,. Intana G-oll, Always . " ' : " in Stock. Agents For White's Sewing Machine. Watches, and orders sent by mail, will receive prompt attention, and satisfaction guaran- i teed in every instance. W. C. BAILEY, Helena, M. T.