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The Abbe Gunion says that hell is paved with women's tongues. A pavement in con stant motion would be unique, even in hell. Gainsborough hats are being hissed in the New York theatres. "Take your clothes off your head, sis," is the somewhat startling re mark. A Nevada man announces that he has in vented a lying machine. If he thinks he has struck anything new he is mistake,n. We've had gas metres for a long time. An unkind word from one beloved often draws the blood from many a heart which would defy the battle-ax of hatred or the keenest edge of vindictive satire. A Philadelpqia man who owns a parrot in forms us that when his minister calls on him it is very embarrassing to have the bird eter nally exclaiming, "I'll take sugar in mine." An aged negro was showing the scars of the wounds inflicted by the lash when he was a slave. "What a picture!" exclaimed a sympathetic looker-on. "Yes," responded the colored brother, "dat's de work ob de ole masters." Qualifying a sweeping assertion: Sophil. (after hearing about Frank)-"I declare I shall not believe a word a man says to me. They're all liars !" Beatrice-"For shame, Sophie!" Sophie (regretfully)--"At' least all the nice ones are." The use of slang has its disadvantages. "'iow do you like my shoes, love ?" asked a youthful bride. "Oh; they're immense," re plied the partner of his joys, and the look she hurled at him was enough to have frozen the heart of a snowball. A certain gentleman recently lost his wife, and a young miss of six years who came to the funeral said to his little daughter of about the same age : "Your papa will marry again, won't he?" "Oh, yes," was the the reply, I "but not till after the funeral," A correspondent writes to an exchange in quiring, "Is a good character of any value?" Considering recent developments in banking circles, we should say that when a man of good character is around to any extent it's pretty safe to keep the door locked. An old resident of Milford, Del., is quoted as saying: "About fifty years ago I was a bartender in a hotel at Milford. Through the week we generally took in about $10, but one day when the religious quarterly meeting was held there we sold over $200 worth of liquor." Said Brown, who has just returned from a visit outside between acts, "O darling, 1 had such a fright! It almost took my breath away." "Mercy !" exclaimed Mrs. B., turn ing her face aside, "I wish it had, John." And Jolhn looked sheepish enough, as he sly ly inserted a clove in his mouth. Mother (to her daughter, just seven years old)-"What makes you look so sad, Carrie'?" Carrie (looking at her baby brother, three months old)-"I was just thinking that in about ten years from now, when I shall be entertaining company and having beaux, that brother of mine will be just old enough to bother the life out of me." Pestered with "contributions in verse' from a persistent rhymster until his patience gave out, an editor wrote to his correspond ent thus: "If you don't stop sending me your sloppy poetry, I'll print a piece of it some day with your name appended in full and send a copy of it to your sweetheart's fathe r." That poetical fountain was spon taneously dried up. Yesterday was cold, bleak and heavy wind- a e.. The zephyrs which tore across Main *i street whirled off and threw into the gutter a three female hate. One owner said, "O my!" 1 another, "Goodness me!" but the third said a nothing until she got the hat on her head, I when, giving it a sharp little dab, she was tI heard to observe, "If I ever marry again I'll , marry a man that can swear, I vow." c "I'm not an astronomer," remarked old I a man Jones to his wife the other mnight, com- r ing in off the porch, where he had interrupt- tl ed the moonlight festivities of his daughter ! and her young man, "I'm not an astrono mer, as I said, and I cannot explain it, but I am sure I saw the son rise a few moments ago, and it is now midnight." Trhen he looked reflectively down at the toe of his boot, and sent the girl off to bed. A few days ago a little Oil City girl was c taken sick, and her parents called a doctor whom she did not like. "Are you sick, Gracie ?" asked the M. D., as he bent over his little patient. The little lady looked at him a moment in the utmost disdain, and then, in a tone of the deepest sarcasm, re plied, as she turned her face from him, "Well, I should think you ought to know. Do you suppose I am lying here in bed and taking your horrid old medicine just for the fun of it ?" The doctor wilted. An Ausrlam Romanamee. Mr. Kasson, our ex-Minieter to Austrla, brought with him a miniature that was pre sented to him, which he prizesbeyond prilc. The subject is a German belle who telgi.od on her throne undisputed some century and a half ago in the quaint little town of In U bruck, in northern Austria, and the face is one of exquisite loveliness. The romance in the life of the original adds new value to the picture. The story Itustiolli by theW:W~ua. ington correspondent of the Buffalo ourKter: Our heroine, a modest beauty of Inns.a'1 bruck, was one of a bevy of girls who stood on a balcony to welcome the young Duke of Hapsburg with songs and rflowers when he made his first royal visit to the town. The Duke, having the instincts of a blooded gen tleman, did not allow such a precious cluster of sweetmeats to escape his notice. Of course he took a fancy to them all, but his passion for our beauty became suddenly so ardent that he demanded her name and pedigree. He learned that she was the only daughter of the Burgomeister or Mayor of the town, a dignitary of immense importance at home, but not strong enough to compete with roy alts. The Duke's idea was to capture our fair one and make her his wife by brevet, but he was mistaken in the stanch stuff of which the Burgomeister was made. His overtuaes were not only rebuffed, but his appetite was whetted on learning that she was the affianced bride of a worthy young man of the town. The Duke then played his strongest card. He would marry her if the maiden was willing. To this even the old man objected, his primitive views of honor being that she had pledged her faith and it must be kept. At first our moth of beauty flitted around the flame of such bril liant splendor until the ducal crown proved too strong and dazzling, and she laid down nuor arms. The mother had voted for the erown on the first ballot, and as this made a mjaority for the Duke in the caucus, the worthy young man was elected to stay at home. Tradition says that he proved a de voted husband and that she made a very grande duchesse, and that-but nobody cares what became of the fellow that got left. Pleasing Anecdote. "Jeff" is a colored porter in an Indianapo lis jobbing house, says the Indianapolis Re view. Jeff had a box of glass on his shoul der and two cans of oil in his hands, when a busy white man jostled him as he was turn ing into the store. "I beg your pardon, sah," said Jeff, though it was the white man who was to blame. But this would not an swer, The white man followed him into the store, "Did you bump agin me a purpose?" "No, sah," said Jeff, "I did not, and I asked your pardon outside." "I don't let no man bump me," growled the white bulldozer. "I have apologized to you, sah." "I don't 'low no d-d nigger to bump agin me," the bulldozer repeated. "Well, sah," said Jeff, I've offered every 'pology a gentleman could ask; I didn't bump you, but if you'll step out on the sidewalk I will bump you. Come out and I'll mop the ground with you; just step out, and I'll scour the pavement with you." Wlite bully turned to the proprietor, "Do you allow your customers to be abused like this. "Why, you overgrown ccwardly cur, you came in here to bullrag and abuse the negro. He has apologized like a gentleman, and now offers you satisfaction. Go out and get it." He didn't. go. Shooing Away a Bear. [Wood River TImes.] About ten o'olock last Monday evening a lady living on First avenue, in Wood River. California, was followed home from Main street by what she took to be a large New foundland.dog. Arriving home she paused at the door to open it, but it was some time before she succeeded. During this delay the animal got quite close to her, and as he seemed harmless the lady called him in. Her surprise may be imagined when, on striking a light, she saw a huge, baldfaced bear look ing at her, showing his teeth as if grinning at her mistake! More dead than alive, the lady opened the door, and gathering up her skirts as women sometimes do, began "Shoo ing" the bear. Bruin, as if appreciating the gravity of the situation, hurried out, whereupon the frightened lady fell into a chair, and did not recover her presence of mind for at least fifteen minutes, when she ran to a neighbor's and told of her adven ture. MEAT MARKET! Main Street. ;all and see me at my new market, next tQ Baker & DeLoriner's store. I am ow better prepared than ever to supply the public with, Beef, Mutoln, Por, Fish, hAd every article in mylinethe markel affords. A full supply of VEGETABLES Alwyay on hbad. JO HN. J. KENNE Y. 3, Ot BOURA,8A, B.kehange Saloon OF Tpll VIRo Y e JltraESa u~ · .~r,.-i imn n m~ m mi~~i, M lil.p.." l nm u i SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. 10 The Chicago Weekly News Free to Subscribers of the River Press. ie " We take pleasure in announcing to our it subscribers that we have made arrangements with the publishers of the CalcAGO WEEKLY f NEWs which enables us to offer them that a paper as A FREE GIFT, at no add:tional cost over the regular subscription price of r the RIVER PRESS. For one subscription price we thus furnish f our subscribers with two papers-a metro politan and a home weekly. By this ar e rangement our readers are placed in com , mand of the whole situation. All events I of interest, local, national and foreign will f be presented, completely and promptly, by the one or the other of these two publica 1 tions. The CHICAGO WEEKLY NEWs is a large - eight column folio, "cram full" of tele I graphic and general news, short and pithy editorials on current topics, written in a fa miliar yet incisive style, and in all of its de partments aims to give facts in few words. L It contains more news than any other weekly journal, giving the gist of everything trans piring during the week in all parts of the known world. It is thoroughly independent in politics, free from partisan bias, and ab solutely without fear or favor as to parties. The CHICAGO WEEKLY NEWS will be sent, postpaid, for one year to every one of our subscribers who pays up his subscription to the RIVER PRESS for the first year and in advance for the second year. This offer in cludes all who have already paid their first year's subscription, and will pay their second year in advance, and also to new subscribers paying in advance. This we believe to be the best and fairest offer ever made by a Terri torial paper to its subscribers, and one which will enable them too keep abreast of the times in knowledge with no additional cost. This means just what it says, the CHICAGO WEEKLY NEws one year for nothing. Read the special advertisement in another column, and send in your subscription. Those who would prefer; the CHICAGO DAILY NEWS to the WEEKLY NEWS can have the same by complying with the I above terms and sending to this office two dollars cash in addition. Sample copies of the NEws can be seen at this office. W. J. MINAR, -AND Pharmacist, FRONT STREET, FT. BENTON, - m MONTANA. DEALER IN Paints, Oils and Varnish, Keeps always on hand a full and most complete stock STATIONARY, Perfumery, Toilet Articies, E AND NOTIONS. FINE CICARS Of the Choicest and Most Popular Brands, are kep constantly in stock. New Ferry Boat Running regularly from the foot of Baker street ACROSS THE MISSOURI Prices Reasonable, LYNOH & FLINT, Owners and lsanangers. Geo. P. Reeves &Co. Wailchmakers, Je welers, MaJuufaoturers of All -Desoriptiona of Jewelry, LAd meuI r. .f. Jifie Jewelry. iii. memed, esUver w r.e., Watemes HitLtA, MON'3AmaA.A A Foarim0amSlvler Stem-Winding Watch for $18. 1881. 1882. -OFP--. Fall and Winter Goods The Largest and Most Extensive Clothing House in Montana. ----o Having studied the wants of our patrons in Choteau and the adjoining counties, we have, with much care, selected the Largest, Finest and Best Assorted Sock of CLOTH N OF EVERY DESCRIPTION, FOR MEN, BOYS and CHILDREN. -o - Our Furnishing Goods Department contains all the Latest Designs and Patterns of White and Fancy Dress Shirts, Collars and Cuffs, Silk and Linen Hand kerchiefs, Suspenders, Underwear, Hosiery, Etc. ------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------- Hats and Caps Boots and Shoes Of all the Leading Styles. Of Every Description. Rubber Goods, Blankets, Quilts, Lined and Unlined Duck Goods. o 'Suits to Ordero We are also agents for the celebrated house of DEVLIN & CO., New York. Measures for Suite taken. Fit Guaranteed. 1,000 samples to select from. GANS & KLEIN, Fort Benton, M. T. Front St., near Benton (Murphy, Neel & Co.'s old stand). LOREY & MEINHARDT G~RAINERS PAPER AND I . i/ HANGERS Landscape, Ornamental, Fresco, House, Sign Banner and Scene Paintingof every description. 3rders solicited from every naut of th Territory, and we insure the utmost care and dispatch in all orders through the mnils. All work gnaranteel First class in every particular, at prices to suit the times. Office in Zeigler's New Brick Block, W. C. JONES, Carpenter and Joiner GENERAL JOBBER. laws Filed and Furniture Repaired. SCREEN DOORS AD1 WIDOWS TO ORDER. Ll orders promptly filled. Shop on Franklin Street, above T. E. Collins' residence. FT. BENTON. - - MONTANA. MANN'S RANCH, The cosiest, most comfortable and best stopping lace on the Barker road. Splendid accommodations, ood rooms, a well stocked bar and every attention iven to Transient Stock. [ake it a point to reach this picturesque and ittract re place. The House is so situated as to make it an sy drive either to Benton of Barker in one day. 1ETON & BAKIER STAGE LINE, WILL CARRY aisse esl, ail & p r s atteri Between Bantoa and the Batrer Mining Camp at resepabIm rates, OaM Make .'i-Weekly Trlpsr saving Beaton on Mondays and Th'predays a the wzpon Wednesda Sa in tatrdays. 0ood eccm odations and fet ti'es W. S. WSZEL, Agent at Benteo. CAPT. JACK KIYLALLT, Agent at the i. W. A. OLDtN, L~t~ ·.;; ···- · · --~r-c;·~ r. m HELENA, Mont. MEE BROS, BLACKSMITHS, BENTON, - - MONTANA. All work. In our line exeeuted with dispatch and in workmanlike style. Frelghsers who want their wagons re paired, or animals shod, will And it to their interest to call and see us. A geneuas line of Blacksmttlhinf demo in the best style of the art. MEE BROS. CORNER MAIN A ARnnoux STREETS. FRANK'S NEWS DEPOT, Tobacco and Cigars, QONFEOTIONERY, N.ITS, CANDIES, Frits of aU Desriptions. CUTLERY, PLAYING CARDS Pruerf sh Fancy Soaps., Pall Line of Smokers' Artlees, Seside Librarie Novels of s deseratios, and all the lmacstrat apuers.