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The man with the biggest watch chain usually have a silver watch at the end of it. Chicago girls never find it hard to elope. They make rope-ladders out of their shoe Etrings. Advice to wives-Man is very much like an egg ; kept in hard water he is bound to become hardened. "How many carriages"shall you "want to haul the grief ?" is.the way the undertaker puts it in Deadwood. The buggy-top bonnets should never be worn at theatres until they are made so that the tops can be turned down. A newly-married couple were sitting in a palace car, when she said, "Oh, George, ain't you glad ? We're relatives now !" General Sherman ought to be happy. Ten deserters were recently cartured. This in creases the regular army fifteen per cent. "You don't know how it pains me to pun ish you," said the teacher. 'I guess there's the most pain at my end of the stick," re plied the boy, feelingly; "'t any rate, I'd be willing to swap." There is only one woman we know of who can let otler women pass by her without looking at them to see whether their polon aises are shirred in the elbow and cut bias on the watch pocket. The woman in question is a tobacco sign. The Mother has made a Lap. The Boy is in the Lap. He is Looking at the Carpet. What has the Mother in Her Hand ? She Has a Shingle in Her Hand. What will She do with the Shingle ? She will put it where it will Do the Most Good. A hardened wretch-"Does our talk dis tuib you ?-' said one of a company of talka tive ladies to an old gentleman setting in a railroad station the other afternoon. "No, ma'am," was the naive reply, "I've been married nigh onto forty years." "Oh, missis," exclaimed Bridget, as she appeared pale and trembling, before her mis tress at 10 p. m. ; there's someone trying to get in the front door." "Is a goat, Bridget ?" "No, mum," "Is it a woman ?" "No, mum*" "Is it a man ?" "Yes, mum ?" "Good looking ?" "Yes, mum ?" "Well, let him come in." The courage of a true woman never fails her. A gentleman gave a party in honor of a distinguished missionary lately returned from his field of work. The ladies appeared in in very decollette dresses, and the host feared the style might shock his reverence, he opol ogized to him for it, saying that fashion de manded it. "Oh, I don't mind it at all," re plied the missionary, "I have been ten years among the savages." He had been introduced to a girl from Boston, and together they pawed aimlessly through a broken-backed album. "And shall you bang up your stockings ?" he in quired, as they talkedof Christmas. "Sir !" exclaimed the Boston girl, drawing herself up proudly and fixing her quivering glasses firmly on her nose, "let me never hear you speak to me again." And she swept grandly out of the room, while the ycang man went and laid his astonished *head against the frosty window pane and turned sick to his stomach. A street gamin was overheard in a crowd arguing: "iilly, how many Sunday schools do yer belong ter now ? I've joined two till after Christman." Billy replied: "Well, I've joined three of those heavengelical ones but if them Christmas trees don't pan out more for me this year than they did last, I'll jine the ULiver~alums next year. They be lieve all fare alike and if any snoozer there hangs a sealkkin frock on the tree for his girl, 1 s'pose they manage to give sealakin all around. A pair of eealakin gloves would fit me bully." After this speech the youngsters dispersed. Like lonely sailors on a foreign sea, Without a compass and without a char', Unhelped by all their lore of seaman's art, Souls drift agong the .ast mystery Of love's companionship. There cannot be A solitude so pathless as a heart. No undiscovered isles Aie so far apart From him who seeks, as lie the thoughts that we Forever yearn to read behind dear eyes Tne dear eyes that we love, and love to kiss. Ah, well! But one thing matters to our bliss: So long as love's sun goes not down, all skies Are clear; all shores are frendly; treasure lies On all; we shall not oSe sweet harbor miss I IELPANIG THIE POOR. A Grand 4Testsmontil Beulhfs Concert In Aid of R. i3. Hayes. FREMONT, Ohio, Jan. 5.-The R. B. Hayes benefit, which was given last night at Peck sniff Grammar School No 2. was an occasion of unprecedented interest. Hayes was for merly of some prominence in Methodist and political circles here, and was supposed to be wealthy. It was lately ascertained, however, that be is so poor that his townsmen feared he would become a charge on the town, and resolved to raise the money necessary to se cure his admission into the Old Ren's some at Cleveland. This Was thought to be the best disposition of him. IHe is not an old man, but his conversation Is senlely .bildish and his mind, which was never atrong, seems broken. His penuriousness is prover blal, and "as tight as bld al..qi" mesas to a Fremonter the top notch of niggardliness. The latter quality madeqlm far from pop ular with his fellow citisepp. tfll, when they heard that he was poor, they determined to do somaething for him, reansoning, wi h that thoughtful generosity which distinguish es the people of our State, that it was money in their pockets to get rid of him. Their generosity conceived the "Grand Hayes Tes timonial Benefit Literary and Musical En tertainment" of last night. Pecksniff Gram mat School No. 2. presented a brilliant ap pearance, being illuminated by fifteen tallow candles, and decorated with mottoes, such as "The Thing Done Availeth-R. B. H.;" "Economy is Wealth-R. B. H.;" and "Fre mont Grieves when Hayes Leaves." The Fremont Band, formerly the Hayes and Wheeler Drum Corps, struck up the "Rogue's March" as Hayes entered the hall, leaning on the arms of Schuyler Colfax, who had been imported from Indiana at great expense. Mr. Celfax smiled fixedly on taking the chair. It was remarked that he looked less like a seraph and more like a gargoyle than formerly. He satd it was not his intention to occupy much of their time. [Long continued applause.] He had come from South Bend at great personal incon venience, and had sacrificed an engagement as referee at a baby show for the purpose of being present to do honor to the beneficiary of the evening, the pious, the persecuted he was sorry to add, the penniless Hayes. For what was a baby, or a bevy of babies, compared with Ohio's favorite son? He sympathizd in an especial manner with Mr. Hayes. It had been his own fortune to oc cupy positions of public trust, to be accused of corruption, to be called a fraud and thief [a voice, "That's so," sensational] and to live for years in obloguy and obscurity. So had the honored beneficiary of this patriotic and eleemosynary entertainment. Both for Mr. Hayes and himself he appealed from a licen tious press to the righteous judgment of pos terity, Meanwhile, both Mr. Hayes and him self were happy. Mr. Hayes then came forward, and was received with an outburst of applause which drowned the malignant demonstrations of a few disaffected persons, evidently Democrats who had entered the hall, it is feared, with out paying the admission fee, and who shouted " l'ilden" in a most disgraceful man ner, Mr, Hayes spoke as tollowe: Mr. President and fellow citizens, I am about to leave you. [Tremendous applause.] I am gratified at this token of your conti aence. I am a poor man. I was a poor man for President. [A laugh.] It is true that I saved a portion [taught]j or my salary when I was Pres-[plotracted hissing] when I was at Washington.. But I have been obliged to make it over to trustees to protect my belt from the grasping avarice of that penurious, cold-blooded, selfish sctremer, Samuel J. Tilden [Cheers and hisses.] It is said that I have inherited property. That belongs to my children. I have already spent too much ot it in indiscriminate charity. [Laughter] I am enabled by your kindness to pass my declining years at the Old Men's Home. I am not old in years; why, then do 1,enter the 0(1 Men's Home? [A voice: "Because you're an ol: fraud."] Because, my friends, I am good and pious beyond my years. Some men are both beautitul and good, like my playmate, Deacon Richard Smith. Some are beautiful and no good, like Conkling. [His.es.] For myselt, I am merely good. Remembr that when I'm gone. Remember what I have written in many of your albums. Economy is wealth, The ,bing done avails. Be virtuous and you will be happy. Let it be written on my tombstone, "He was the friend of Stanley Matthews and the foe of rum." 1 have done. Mr. W. K. Rogers then recited "Over the Hill to the Poorhouse," and in response to an encore repeated the beautiful poem be ginning thuF.: Oh, water for me--bright water for me; But wine for the tremnlous debauchee. The Chairman of the Committee of Ar rangements said that the musical part of the entertainment would be given up, on account of the refusal of Carl Schurz, who had been billed to render a musical olio, to accept less than $500 for his services. [Hisses and groans.] Mr. Evalts had sent a long con gratulatory despatch, but had forgotten to prepay it. Mr. Colfax then introduced Mr. R. W. Thompson as "his distinguished fellow citi zen, the Nelson of Indiana, whose name was immortally associated with that element which had been tor years his only drink." Mr. Thompson read a paper on "The Im provement of our Merchant Marine by the Ehlimination of Grog and Profanity from the Forecastle." The introduction of Private Dalzell, who attempted to read a sketch of the "Military Services of ex-Congressman Hayes." emptied the hall in three minutes. Photographs of Hayes and the Electoral Commission were for sale at the door. 'The entertainment netted $35. The com mittee hope to raise the entire sum ($100). A subscription paper is in circulation. A Member oif the Louisiana Returning B3oard" subscribes $406 50; John Sherman, $1.00. Charles Foster sends a box of old clothes;. Carl Scht.rz sends his love. FrMOTMr,' O., Jan 6.--This morning a gang of laborers, while digging arou d the roots of adarge chestnut tree before cutting it down, unearthed a small box that, upon being forced open, was found to contain se 'curities to the amount of *925,000. The box was msiarked R. IB. H." W. W.ri ng ofere for sale, rent, or ain exIange for town pgSeiatly F Cannot o the eton, fve miles aposl agly res z utiderga·ltivation na g foit ger oadt gre.. lamin, rad thersle a iU W. IL STOCKING, Fort Bunton, L. T. SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. The Chicago Weekly News Free to Subscribers of the River Press. We take pleasure in announcing to our subscribers that we have made arrangements with the publishers of the CHICAGO WEEKLY NEws which enables us to offer them that paper as A FREE GIFT, at no add:tional cost over the regular subscription price of the RIVER PRESS. For one subscription price we thus furnish our subscribers with two papers-a metro politan and a home weekly. By this ar rangement our readers are placed in com mand of the whole situation. All events of interest, local, national and foreign will be presented, completely and promptly, by the one or the other of these two publica tions. The CHICAGO WEEKgY NEWS is a large eight column folio, "cram full" of tele graphic and general news, short and pithy editorials on current tot;,--, 'ri:tefi in a fa miliar yet incisive style, and in all of its de partments aims to give facts in few words. It contains more new.s than any other weekly journal, giving the gist of everything trans piring during the week in all parts of the known world. It is thoroughly independent in politics, free from partisan bias, and ab solutely without fear or favor as to parties. The CHICAGO WEEKLY NEws will be sent, postpaid, for one year to every one of our subscribers who pays up his subscription to the RIVER PREss for the first year and in advance for the second year. This offer in cludes all who have already paid their first year's subscription, and will pay their second year in advance, and also to new subscribers paying in advance. This we believe to be the best and fairest offer ever made by a Terri torial paper to its subscribers, and one which will enable them too keep abreast of the times in knowledge with no additional cost. This means just what it says, the CHICAGO WEEKLY NEWS one year for nothing. Read the special advertisement in another column, and send in your subscription. Those who would prefer the CmncAGo DAILY NEWS to the WEEKLY NEWS can have the same by complying with the above terms and sending to this office two dollars cash in additicn. Sample copies of the NEWs can be seen at this office. W. J. MINAR, DRUGg9IST -AND Pharmacist, FRONT STREET, FT. BENTON, . - IOINTANA. DEALER IN Paints, Oils and Varnish, Keeps always on hand a full and most complete stock of fine STATIONARY, Perfumery, Toilet A rticles, AND NOTIONS, SFINE CICARS Of the Choicest and Most Popular Brands, are kep constantly in stock. New Ferry Boat Running regularly from the foot of Baker street ACROSS THE MISSOURI prices Reasonable. LYNOH & FLINT, Owners and Ilanagers. Geo. P. Reeves & Co. Watchmakes Jewelers, Mansufacturers of All Desoriptiona of Jewelry. mad l *l nCer We re, Weatchesw]ZY and watch Mevements, HEi.ENA, MONTANA. A FourOuece 8ilver Stem-Winding Wath foar $18. 1881. 1882. ---- O F.-.- Fall.and Winter Goods The Largest and Most Extensive Clothing House in Montana. S---0 Having studied the wants of our patrons in Choteau and the adjoining counties, we have, with much care, selected the Largest, Finest and Best Assorted Soc k of i : LOT OF EVERY DESCRIPTION, FOR MEN, BOYS and CHILDREN. -o - Our Furnishing Goods Department contains all the Latest Designs and Patterns of White and Fancy Dress Shirts, Collars and Cuffs, Silk and Linen Hand kerchiefs, Suspenders, Underwear, Hosiery, Etc. Hats and Caps Boots and Shoes Of all the Leading Styles. Of Every Description. Rubber Goods, Blankets, Quilts, Lined and Unlined Duck Goods. -0 9uite to (Ode We are also agents for the celebrated house of DEVLIN & CO., New York. Measures for Suits taken. Fit Guaranteed. 1,000 samples to select from. GANS & KLEIN, Fort Benton, M. T. Front St., neat Benton (Murphy, Neel & Co.'s old stand). LOREY & MEINHARDT GRAINERS D PAPER, AND . .: :HANGERS Landscapes, Ornamental, Fresco, House, Sign Banner and Scene Painting of every description. Orders solicited from every nant of th, Territory, and we insure the utmost care and dispatch in allorders .hrough the mails. All work g'aranteed Fir:t class in every particular, at Vrices to suit the times. Office in Zeigler's lew Brick Block, HELENA, Mont. W. C. JONES, Carpenter and Joiner GENERAL JOBBER. Saws Filed and Furniture Repaired. SCREEN DOORS AID WINDOWS TO ORDER. All orders promptly filled. Shop on Franklin Street, above T. E. Collins' residence. FT. BENTON . - MONTANA. MANN'S RANCH, The cosiest, most comfortable and best stooping place on the Barker road. Splendid accommodations, good rooms, a well stocked bar Lnd every attention given to Transient Stock. Make it a point to reach this picturesque and attract ive place. The House is so situated as to make it an asy drive either to Benton or Barker in one day. BEHTON & BARKER STAGE LINE, WILL CARRY Pasen ers, lail & xpress latter Between Benton and the Barker Mining Camp, at reasonable rates, and Make B1-Weekly Trips, Leaving ,Benton on Mondays and Thursdays and the Cap an2 Wedpfasy and Saturdays. Uood accom m odations nd fist time. W. S. WESZUL, Agent at BSbtom. CAPT. JACK .ILLALLY, Agent at the xin W. A. OLD E, *MEE BROS, BLACKSMITHS, BENTON, - - MONTANA. All work in our line executed with dispatch and in workmanlike style. Freighte@r who want their wagons re paired, or animals shod, will find it to their interest to call and see ua. A general line of Blacksntlthing done in the best style of the art. MEE BROS. CORNER MAIN AND ARNOUX STREETS. FRAN K'S NEWS DEPOT, Tobacco and Cigars, OONFEOTIONERY, NUTUTS, CANDIES, Fruits of all Descriptions. CUTLERY, PLAYING CARDS Perfmnery and.Fancy Soaps. Full Line of Smokers' Articles, Slde Libraries, Novels of all d.scriptioes, a4 all the llustrated Papers.