Milk River Valley news. [volume], June 15, 1904, Image 7

About Milk River Valley news. [volume] (Harlem, Mont.) 1904-1908

Image provided by: Montana Historical Society; Helena, MT

                
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HUMORISTS.
t*lbaHant Incidents Occurring the
World Over—Sayings that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Young—Funny Selec
tions that You Will Enjoy*
: !i lil
"“Did you sell ypur dog?”
“Yoh, I di<l. 1 Hold him to tho mllk-
«nau.”
"What did you get?"
“An extra quart ot milk. It turned
aut Hour.” “
“Did you complain?"
“Xo.”
“Why not?”
“I was afraid he'd bring the dog
back."—Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The One Thing.
D'Auber-rzKld Crittlck say anything
to you about ruy latest painting?
Knox—Yes. By the way, you must
have had It nicely framed before you
■bowed It to him, didn’t you?
D'Auber —Yes; why?
Knox—He said he noticed one artis
tic feature about It.—Philadelphia
Press.
A Hot One.
■Caller—ls Mr.' Smith in?
Foolish-looking Clerk—No.
Caller —When will he be in?
Foolish-looking Clerk I haven't an
Idea.
J Caller—You look It.
His Closeness.
Daughter—l don’t see why you don't
like Mr. Spooner.
. Father—Well', for one thing, he's
' too close.
Daughter—Oh, father! Were you
mean enough to spy on us last even
ing?—Philadelphia Ledger.
A Friend in Need.
Jack—You won't lend me a V? Why,
you loaned a ten-spot to Jones, and he's
almost a stranger to you.
Tom—Well?
Jack—Well, I'm an old friend of
yours.
Toni Exactly, Jack, nnd I don't
want to lose you.—Philadelphia
Ledger.
Oddly Enough.
Jenks—Your house is not very
warm.
Hnrduppe—No. That's because it's
not coaled.—Philadelphia Ledger.
Low Value on That.
“Of course, It's cheaper to Uve in
the East. The further West you go
the higher the values become, and—”
“Not on your life!” interrupted the
traveling man.
“No? Just give me an Instance
where the value is not high.”
“I sny—not on your life.”—rPhlladei
pbia Public Ledger.
a We've All Got 'Em.
“We seem to have quite a lot of
mutual friends.”
“I hope not”
“Eh?"
“My idea ot a ‘mutual friend’ Is one
who does nothing but repeat to you
the mean things somebody else says
About you.”—Philadelphia Public
Ledger.
He Wanted a Fit,
, 1A EE
ibl^
Mrs. Goodlelgh—l can give you a
•tilt of my husband's, but It will be
about six sizes too big for you.
Wandering Willie -Thank you,
madam. but I must decline to accept
It. I am too much of a patriot to de
sire to be mistaken for an English
man.
Too Many Rises.
"1 hear that Harker is going to give
up learning to be a chauffeur.”
“Yes. The automobile tossed him up
so much lie is thinking of learning
air navigation."
His Point of View.
“But.” protested the typewriter
boarder, “Adam wasn’t contented with
out a wife.”
“Perhaps not," rejoined the old bach
elor, "but at that stage of the game
he didn’t know anything of good or
evil.” —Chicago News.
He’s a Plumber.
"Did I understand you to say that
Mrs. Goldsolder will not go to Florida
for the winter?”
"Yes. She doesn’t care to leave her
husband."
"But why doesn’t he go, too? He
U making a lot of money, you say?"
"That's Just It He's a plumber."
—Judge.
Imposition.
Ernie—Gussie Sapp says if I refuse
him he will go away nnd Jqln either
the Japanese or Russian army.
Belle—Then accept him. Those na
tions have enough troubles already.
Then They Dined.
“You are sweet enough to eat” said
the very young man who imagined he
had the love market cornered.
"Thanks,” rejoined the matter-of
fact maid. “There's a small restaurant
Just around the corner.”—Chicago
News.
Had to Close Them.
“You have the reputation of being
doHe fisted,” said the man who alawys
butts in.
“I can't help It,” responded the
brawny chap in the green sweater.
“May I ask your business?"
“Yes, Pm a pugilist.”
Too Watery.
Ernie—Poor Mr. Bluffer. He tried
to make us believe he was a great
tourist, but tripped himself dreadful
ly-"
Eva—ln what way?
Ernie—He said be went automobll-
Ing In Venice.
Patriotic.
“So you submitted a poem to the
great editor?" Interrogated Pearl, “I
suppose you tied it with a blue rib
bon f"
"No, I used red, white and blue,”
replied Edith, “It was called ‘Our
Flag.’ ”
An Emergency Man.
Riter —I’m a shorthand reporter now.
Scribbles—l didn't know you under
stood stenography.
Riter—l don't, but the city editor
is only employing me at present be
cause he was shorthanded.—Philadel
phia Public Ledger.
Truly Heroic.
“He had a play produced by an ama
teur company the other night Who
was the hero of It, do you know?"
“I was one. I sat through It.”—•
Philadelphia Ledger.
Renta Going Up.
“I'm afraid I’ll have to buy my
house,” said Subbubs.
"Why so?”
“I can’t afford to to rent It.”—Phil
adelphia Ledger.
Two Questions.
“George, will you take me to as
many places after we are married?”
“Jane, will you be no more willing
to stay at home than you now are?”
—Cleveland Plain Dealer.
■Bra
Mrs. Holdtite—Dr. Kurem Awl says
I must spend six months In Europe.
What shall I do?
‘ Mr. Holdtite—Get another doctor.
After the “Corner."
Gunner—Whatever became of that
young stock speculator who used to get
so many tips?
Guyer—Oh, he’s getting more tips
than ever.
Gunner—You don't say.
Guyer—Yes; he's a waiter in a
hotel now. —Chicago News.
One Obstacle Only.
Scholar—Professor, your mnemonic
system is wonderful, and I am sure
that any one, after mastering the
rules, can learn to remember any
thing. But I am handicapped by one
difficulty.
Professor—What is it?
Scholar—l can't remember the rules.
—Town and Country.
Useful Elastic.
Little Ostend stood In the museum
staring at the "rubber man.”
"Oh, ma,” he exclaimed, suddenly,
“I know what they could do with him
If he was to die.”
“What, dear?” asked his ipother.
“They could cut him up and make
suspenders.”
When He Rakes In.
“A^low me to show you my new
picture entitled 'Harvest,' ” said the
artist, leading his friend through the
studio.
"Why,” gasped the surprised friend,
“I don't see anything In the picture but
pipes covered with Icicles. How can
you call It a harvest?”
"It is the plumber's harvest.”
• Yet to Come.
She—ls your play finished?
He—No; it hasn't been put on yet.
Premature.
He—Wasn't our honeymoon a great
success, dear?
She—l’ll tell you better in five
years.
'With the pi. D.
“Latin," remarked the student ImarCi
er, who never missed an opportunity
to air his knowledge, "is a dead lan
guage.”
"I suppose bo,” rejoined the cheerful
idiot; "HtllU it lins a ghost of a show.”
An Inference.
Iler —I admire Miss Newcomer more
than any other girl of my acquaint
ance. Have you ever met her?
Him—No, and what's more, I don’t
care to If she’s that homely.
Proof at Hand.
"Sir,” said tho haughty* individual
with the unbarbered locks, "there is
poetry In everything.”
“Sure there la." rejoined the village
editor. “Bven our stove is full of IL”
HOSTS SLAIN IN INDIA
DEATHS CAUSED BY SNAKES AND
WILD ANIMALS.
fhouaonda Arc Killed Each Year by
Denizens of the Jungles, Mountains
and Swamiw -- Obtainable Statlstica
Not Full and Complete.
A gentleman in Bombay told me the
other day that 50,000 people were kill
ed In India every year by snakes and
ligers, and his extraordinary statement
was confirmed by several gentlemen to
whom I applied for information, writes
Wm. E. Curtis In the Chicago Record-
Herald. They declared that only about
jne-half of the deaths from such
muses was reported; that the govern
ment wns endeavoring to secure more
complete and exact returns, and wns
offering rewards for the destruction of
reptiles and wild animals. Under In
structions from Lord Curzon the au
tborltles of the central government at
Calcutta gave me the returns for the
last ten years for British India, show
ing a total of 26,461 human belngH and
88.010 cattle killed by snakes and wild
animals during the year 1001-2. The
returns for 1002-3 are not yet In.
This does not Include the several na
tive States, which have one-third of
the area and one-fourth of the popu
lation of tbe empire. Nor does it In
clude thousands of cases in-the more
remote portions of the country which
were not reported to the authorities.
In these remote sections, vast arbas of
mountains, Jungles and swamps, the
danger from such sources is much
greater nnd deaths are more frequent
than In the thickly settled portions; so
that my friend’s estimate was not far
out of the way.
The official statistics for British In
dia for the last ten years arc as fol
lows:
Killed by wild animals and snakes;
Persons. Cattle.
1892 21,1)88 81.688
4893 24,010 90,253
1804 24.440 06,706
1805 25.190 100,107
1800 .'... 24,322 88,702
1897 25.242 84,187
1808 25.166 91.750
1899 27,585 08,687
1000 25,833 91,430
1001 20,461 88,019
Total ten years... .250,252 907,610
Taking 1901 as a sample, we find
1,171 persons were killed by tigers and
29,333 cattle; 635 persons and 37,473
cattle were killed by leopards; 403 hu
man beings nnd 5,048 cattle were kill
ed by wolves; 1,442 human beings and
0,123 cattle were killed by other wild
animals, and 22,810 human beings and
5,002 cattle by snakes. This Is about
the average record for the last ten
years, although the number of persons
killed by tigers reported last year was
considerably less than usual.
As I have already suggested, these
figures give only about one-half of the
facts. The largest sacrifice of. life was
in the Province of Bengal, of which
Calcutta Is the capital, and where the
Imperial authorities have Immediate
control of such affairs. The govern
ment offers a bounty of $1 for every
snake skin, $5 for every tiger skin, nnd
a corresponding amount for other ani
mals. During the last year 14,301 wild
animals were reported killed and 06,-
953 persons received rewards. The
number of snakes reported destroyed
wns 69,668 and 2,858 persons were re
warded. The total amount of rewards
paid was $33,270, which Is much below
the average and the smallest amount
paid for many years. During the last
ten years the amount of rewards pnld
has averaged about $36,000 annually.
The falling off In 1901-2 is due to the
discovery that certain enterprising per
sons had gone into the business of
breeding snakes for the reward, and
had been collecting considerable sums
from the government by that sort of
fraud. Hereafter they will not be able
to collect claims without showing Hiitls
factory evidence that the snakes were
actually wild when killed or captured.
It Is hardly necessary to sny that
no one has thus fur been accused of
breeding tigers for the bounty, al
though large numbers of natives are.
engaged In the business ot capturing
them for menageries and zoological
gardens.
EASY TO FIND GLOVE.
People Pick Up Lout Mate While Other
Articles Are Passed By.
As a lost article of Intrinsic worth,
It is considered that a lone glove of
a pair Ih more likely to be recovered
by the loser In Chicago than Is any
other piece ot apparel.
It Ih a rare circumstance when any
one picks up a handkerchief in the
street. It may be of the liest linen
and show that it is comparatively
clean, but the chances are ton to one
that it will be kicked aside and tram
pled on. A muffler might be picked
up and put in the finder's pocket. A
pair of ear muffs, provided there is
a pair In use In Chicago, might tempt
some one to gather It In for its prac
tical utility.
But a mateleaa glove Jias the ad
vantage over all of these Tor tbe loser,
for tho reasons that It has no utility
value; there Is nothing about It to
prevent tbe finder picking it up with
out a sense of contamination; the fact
that the glove Is worthless to the
finder impresses upon the finder the
shame that It will be for the loser to
have It go to waste along with its
serviceable mate; and from all of these
recognized conditions arises a spirit
in tho finder to restore It If possible
to the person who has lost the bit of
leather.
For these reasons it has become cus
tomary in Chicago for a glove that
has been picked up on the street to
lie placed securely upon some fixture
near the place where It Is found. A
metal newel post to a basement stair
leading out to the street Is a common
place of deposit for one of these gloves.
A spiked railing, designed to prevent
lounging. Is admirable for the purpose.
Even n window ledge may bo resorted
to with some degree of cojitidenee on
Ilie part of tbe finder that the loser
will finally pick It up again.
At tho least. In this grout, hurrying
city there are few people too busy
to pick up n lost glove and place It
near the spot, convenient to tho eye
of the loser. And If the loser of the
article recognizes his loss soon enough
nnd enn retrace his steps carefully he
Is more likely to find his lost glove,
uninjured, than any other one thing
that be might have lost from his per
son.—Chicago Tribune.
Origin of Savings Banks.
The world Is indebted to Daniel De
foe for something more useful and
practical than that ever fascinating
romance “Robinson Crusoe," that has
held Its place In the boy's literature
of more than a century as the most at
tractive of nil -stories of adventure.
He may bo said to have been the
originator of the modern savings
banks. The first of these wns found
ed nt Hamburg In 1778 nnd nt Bern
in 1787, the Idea having been suggest
ed by Daniel Defoe In 1697. Francis
Masseres proposed In 1771 to confer
upon the ratepayers of any English
parish powers to receive and Invest
savings nnd to grnnt deferred an
nultles, but a bill to this effect failed
to pass through parliament. The first
practical attempts were on H small
and tentative scale. A children's bank
wns started by Mrs. Priscilla Wake
field at Tottenham In 1798.
Rev. J. Smith, of Andover, with two
friends, agreed in 1799 to receive small
sums from bis parishioners during the
summer, to be returned with a one
third bounty nt Christmas, a liberal
offer which was eagerly embraced.
The title of "father of savings
banks" has been given, however, to'
Rev. 11. Duncan, of Ruthwell, Dum
friesshire, who established a savings
bank In 1819 on so successful a basis
that In four years It possessed ap ac
cumulated fund ot $5,800.
Acts to encourage.savings banks in
England and Ireland were passed in
1817 and were extended to Scotland
In 1835.
What Chinese Names Mean.
A few definitions of Chinese geo
graphical prefixes and suffixes may be
of service hi elucidating tbe nomencla
ture of current war news. First, pre
fixes: Ta, as in Taku, means great,
nnd slao, as In Slao-Plng-Thou, means
small. Pel or pe, nan, tung nnd si
are respectively north, south, east and
west. Thus the Pel-110 is the North
Riter, etc. Sluing and hnl are upper
and lower. Pnl, hei and whang are
white, black and yellow. Suffixes arc
more numerous nnd familiar. Klang,
ho tchuan, ula, muren and tchu each
nnd all mean river. Thus Yalu Kiang
and Liao Ho are simply Yalu River
and Liao River. Shut, kou, tbsuan,
khl, gol nnd ussu are unfamiliar terms,
meaning a brook or small river. Hu,
nor and omo mean lake, as in the well
known Lob Nor and Kosso Gol. Po,
tse and tlen mean a small lake or
swamp, or a town situated near such
a place. Hal means sea; thus Whang-
Hal Is the i’ellow Sea, Tung-Hal is the
Eastern Sea and Nan-Hal is the South
ern Sea. Tao and sometimes shan
means Island, but shan more often
means a mountain range. Ling Is a
pass over a mountain n nge.—Boston
Transcript
No Extra Trouble.
It was In the dead of night, and a
cold night at that.. Mr. Smith -was
away, and Peterson Smith, aged six,
was getting over the measles.
"Mother, may I have a drink of real
cold water?” he asked, waking Mrs.
Smith from a refreshing slumber.
“Turn right over nnd go to sleep!"
commanded Mrs. Smith. "You are a
naughty boy to wake mother up when
she put a pitcher of water on your
table the very last thing before j v oU
went to bed.”
Ten minutes later the small voice
piped up again:
"Mother, I want a drink of water.”
"Peterson," said Mrs. Smith, stern
ly, “If you say that again I shall get
up nnd spnnk you!"
Thore was five minutes' silence, nnd
ngaln Peterson spoke.
“Mother,” he said, cheerfully, “when
you get up to spnnk me, may I have
a drink of water?”
Ancient Jewelers' Association.
Birmingham Jewelers have been
famed since the middle of the seven
teenth century. When Charles 11.
brought with him to England the
French fashion of wearing metallic or
naments Birmingham at once took the
lead In supplying them, and tbe city
then commenced a career of prosperity
which has never, save for brief pe
riods. suffered abatement. Even
Southey, who could scarcely find suf
ficiently censorious language to de
scribe Birmingham, allowed that it
"excelled every other place In the
world for watch chains, necklaces,
bracelets, buttons, buckles and snuff
boxes. though,” be said, “they were
dearly purchased at the expense of
health and morality."
Marriage Amenities.
Mrs. Literati (to husband) —I went
to the club to-day, and was elected
chairman of n committee, although I
dln't open niy mouth once In the meet
ing. ' T?
Her Husband— Well, If you bad
opened your mouth you probably
would not have been elected. —Wom-
ans Home Companion.
A K»od memory often comes in
bandy to forget with.
ROVS : LITTLE STORIES
o AND INCIDENTS
।; That Will Interest and
JlTY#' 'if*' ' Entertain Young
” ’ CJ J J Readers.
Hidden in Sight.
A new form of "hide and seek,"
which is "hidden in sight," Is a very
pretty game. All must go out of tbe
room except one, who then places the
things to be found, such os a thimble
or a cotton reel, so that any one can
see it. but will not notice it without
looking ratjjer hank A thimble is not
easily seen on a bright Iron fender,
and a reel of cotton takes a good deal
of finding when properly placed on
some mantel-piece ornament, or even
on the top of a picture frame.
Here Is another secret: Tell the
seekers that they must find a hand
kerchief. Tie it, round the handle of
tho door (if it is a white one); show
the seekers politely In, and shut the
door after them, so that they do not
touch the handld. They will take a
long time to find the handkerchief. It
is a strict rule of tbe game that the
first finder of an object does not make
known his discovery. He Just sits
down. -One by one the seekers sit
down, until only one remains stand
ing. and then It Is time for some one
to tell him and for tbe party to get to
another game.
(
I could
Thin§4 - *
s^'id youn^’ t)ohn-
Well- I cao fell
you \a/h&X*
In Summed I would
cXtch a* cold
In Winter ekteh
A hot I *
A Good Deed.
"Once upon a time, a very long rime
ago,” began grandmamma. "Is it a
fairy tale?" asked Jacky.
“What is the name of it?” asked his
sister Sue.
“If only you will be quiet" said
grandma, “I will tell you all about It
It is not a fairy tale," she continued,
turning to Jacky. “And Its name Is
‘A Good Deed,' ” she said, turning to
Sue.
“Well,” said grandma, when silence
was restored, “I will begin again. Once
upon a time, a very long time ago,
a little brother and sister lived In a
little fishing village with their mother,
Mrs. Brown. They were very poor,
for Mrs. Brown's husband had been
drowned at sea, and his ship hnd
never come home, so little Fred nnd
Mary—the names of the brother and
sister —often bad to go without their
dinner.
“One day a bright thought occurred
to Fred. Why should they not go out
on the cliffs and search for birds’ eggs
and sell them to visitors, and even
to some ot the school children? Mary
hailed the idea with fervor, so next
day inw tiie two children searching
carefully for seagulls' eggs In the clefts
and ledges of the cliffs.
“They were very successful for a
day or two, when a little boy friend
of Fred's said:
“Fred, If you can find me a cormo
rant’s egg I will give you a whole
shilling, for cormorants’ eggs are so
scarce.'
"Fred hastened home that day and
told his sister Mary all that the lioy
had said. Mary was also overjoyed,
and both agreed to look next day for
one. Next day they aearcbea the cliffs
for a cormorant's egg, l»ut did not get
one. Every day for a whole week they
searched high and low but cormorants'
eggs, as Fred’s friend had said, were
very scarce.
“One day Mary happened to notice
one, but, to her great disappointment,
there was only one, but still, one was
better than none at all, so Mary
screamed to her brother.
“‘Look, look, Fred! a cormorant's
egg, a cormorant's egg!’
“Fred looked round and noticed the
egg, and with a cry of Joy he sprang
to get it, but wliat was bls annoyance
when Mary suddenly held him back
“ ‘Don't, Fred,' she gasped, ‘don't,
for it is the mother's only one. Look
how wistfully, she Is looking at me
then at the egg.'
“In truth the mother was very mis
erable. She first stood on one leg
and then on the other, glancing, as
Mary bad said, from the egg to Mary,
;Jlh much as to say, ‘Please protect my
egg from that dreadful boy.'
“ 'Very well, then,’ shld Fred, sul
kily turning away (he always did what
Mary told him), so that the egg wa»
saved.
"Fred and Mary did not get the shil
ling promised, but they got something
else, much nicer. While the children
wore down on the cliffs searching for
eggs a man hud gone to their mother's
cottage, knocked smartly, and when
admitted told Mrs. Brown that a ship
of her husband's bad come in, and
was so valuable that it gave Mrs.
Brown quite a nice salary, which en
abled her to send them to school and
live in a better home.”
"Is that all?" asked both the chil
dren. when grandma hud finished
speaking. - —
"Yes.” said grandma, "and don't
you think it Ih a very good ending
for n story?”
And both of them agreed.—Waverley
Magazine.
He Was No Dude.
“Wliy, Johnny, what’s tbe matter
with you?" asked a caller who found
the little fellow in bed.
"Ain't nothin’ the matter with me.”
replied Johnny, “mother’s wastin' my
shirt"
“Haven't you but one shirt?" he was
asked.
"Say,” rejoined the small urchin,
"you don’t expect a feller to be a dude,
do you?”
Another One on Papa.
Harry (aged 5) —Papa, don't every
man have his hair cut when he gets
shaved?
Papa—Of course not, my son. I
frequently get shaved without having
my hair cut.
Harry—Well, I don't see how a bar
ber gets the hair off your face If bo
doesn’t cut It, papa.
Papa—Young man. It’s time you
were in bed.
A Hint to Mamma.
Little Margie’s mamma had Just cor r
rected her for being saucy, when she
went over to where her doll was and
said: “Dollle, I wish somethin' would
happen to one of us three, and I don't
menn yon or me, either.” —
Papa Was Getting Bold.
Little Joe—Papa, are you still grow
ing?
Pnpa—No, my son.
Little Joe—But your bead is grow
ing up through your hair.
MAN NEED NEVER GROW OLD.
Debutantes Come and Go, bnt the Popu
lar Beau Lasts Forever.
The popular man as the seasons re
peat themselves Is apt to feel a little
lonely. “Where are they all, the old
familiar companions?” he asks himself
as he looks up and down the dinner
tables and sees every year the fresh
new faces of a new set of debutantes.
For the girls drop from the ranks,
while the men stay on. The latter
are always of Importance at a dance,
but a surplus of women is fatal to
any entertainment The so called old
er girls therefore feel that it behooves
them to withdraw In favor of the
younger sets which each year come to
the fore, demanding recognition, and
to find their winter entertainments In
the quieter functions, consisting of
theater parties, dinners with their own
contemporaries, the opera, etc. What
is called a fourth winter girl rarely
appears at any of the dances or din
ners given in honor of the younger
ones, although their man friends are
all expected to be present
'“lliere -Is no use denying the fact
that the world has much more use for
the men than for us, and that they
keep young much longer than we do,"
said an "older" young woman. "The
partners I used to dance with are still
doing duty at the various functions,
while I have been out of it tor years,
and girls much younger than I am
have had to retire to give place to
their little sisters. Yes, men certainly
have the advantage in everything. I
saw a man of 70 on the Ice playing
hockey the other day, and he seemed
to enjoy it with the zest of a boy.
Every one said how attractive It was
to see a man keep his youth like that
but if granny ran around In like fash
ion with a lot of girls, the poor old
dear would make herself ridiculous.
Now. wouldn’t she? We must grow
old kvhether or not; but a man need
only grow old if he wants to.”
A Call-Down.
"That’s Mrs. Ayers in the box,” said
Mr. Gotham, who had taken Miss Bea
consstreet to the opera. “She’s very
fond of display.”
“Ah! you New Yorkers are so care
less In your speech,” exclaimed Miss
Beaconsstreet. “Why did you say 'dis’
for 'this'? Besides, this is an opera,
not a play.”—Philadelphia Press.
Corroboration.
"Rich coves,” remarked Ragged Rog
er, "say that money brings eare and
worry."
“It does to rue,” added Weary Wig
gins.
"To you* You have no money.”
“No; that's why I worry.”—Detroit
Free Press.
A married woman la always sus
picious when her husband gives her an
expensive present