The Lehi banner. [volume], August 31, 1905, Image 6

About The Lehi banner. [volume] (Lehi, Utah) 1891-1917

Image provided by: University of Utah, Marriott Library

                
,u, ,- M n ,
THE PROMOTION OF
THE ADMIRAL nadc8"dFe
bjbj i
BBJ Dy Morley Roberta Author of "The Coloau," "The FuHlH vw."
BjBJ CopyrfpAf, ltos, loa, by Tht Ourtli j'ubHiAtng Company.
BjBJ Copyright, laos, by L, 0, PagiA Company , (Incorporation,)
H (Continued )
BBl If Mr. Watts was tho authority on
BBJ fogs that his captain made out, ho
BBl noon had an opportunity of showing it,
BAb for batf-way across tho Hanks It was
BBl lmposslblo to sec farther than ono
BAb could throw half n hundredwolght, and
BBl tho Nomngosonda wont tooting In
BJBJ darkness. Uut every now and again
BJBj in this dim world tho men of sclonce
BJBJ woro alarmed and entertained by sud-
BJBJ den battles In blasphomy betweon
BBV Captain Prowso or tho well-informed
BJBJ Mr. Watts, nnd tho crow of a Bank
BBl fisherman. For fog blankets Round in
BJBJ tho oddest, most erratic way, and tho
BJBJ throb of a screw cannot nlways bo
BJBJ heard even In the calmest foggy
BJBJ weather. Such swearing matches be-
BJBJ tween tho Nomngosonda nnd a smack
BBB were, when apparently goou for three
BJBJ minutes or so, sometimes sliced right
BJBJ In two by tho suddon dropping down
BBY of whnt tho meteorologist called an
BBJ "nnacoustlc" wall of fog. Llko tho last
BJBJ words of Don Whlskcrnndos in "A
BJBJ Tragedy Hohoarsed," a speech was cut
BJBJ off in tho very Howur of Its youth.
BJBJ "Wiiero tho bluo binding blazes aro
BBb you coming to?" asked n faint noc-
BJBJ turno. And when Captain 1'rowso hud
BJBJ expended his last carefully prepared
BJBJ oration, tho right of maritime reply
BjSJ only conferred nn nudlblo "Oh, you
. dog "
BBS "Wo havo to thnnk tho anacoustlc
BBS properties of that fog-bank for tin
AS suddon conclusion," said tho meteor
BJBJ ologlst, "for if I'm any Judge of lite
AS man nature, that Bmacksman Is still
AS firing red-hat words Into space."
AS "Yes, sir," said 1'rowso Indignantly,
AS "they'ro a foul-mouthed lot. It's as
AS much ns I can do to kuop even with
AS 'cm. Uut I'll slow down no more."
AS Ho telogrnphed "Full speed ahend"
AS and loft Mr. Watts with awfully word-
ASS cd instructions to sink anything from
BBS u battleship to tho meanest brig nil oat.
ASS In tho snloon ho sat at ths head of the
BAS table and drank rum hot.
BBS "Science provos that rum 'ot Is tho
BJBJ sailor's drink," said Captain Prowso,
BJBJ "nnd tho correct drink. For wo nil
BBB drink it, and flourish on It. And tho
BBB reason Is that It goes by contraries.
BBB It's cold work boln' nt sea, and so wo
BBB tnkes It 'ot; and the sea Is salt, so we
BBB takes It sweet; and It comes from the
BBB -West Indies."
BBB "And that proves It," said the geolo-
BBB gist warmly. "What a hoad you have,
BBB Captain Prowso 1"
BBB Tho skipper nodded.
BBB "You may well say so," ho affirmed;
BBB "a phrenologist gave mo a chart of
BBB my 'cad once, a scientific chart with
BBB' tho soundings wrote out plain, and
BBB what proved him right was his sayln'
BBA that 'ero and there I was too deep for
BJBJ hlru. And I paid him a guinea. Well
H" worth it, It was, for ho said, 'You get
BBS married,' and I dono so, and Mrs.
E-' Prowso hasn't her living equal. I
BBU wish I'd brought that chart with mo.
BBYJ It would 'avo Interested you gents to
BJBJ know whnt a brother scientist thought
BJBJ of mo."
BBYJ "It would, Indeed," snld tho patliol
BBM BJBJ "nut thcro, I'll tell you what I am,"
BBJ Bald Prowso, "I'm a down-rlghtcr,
B that's mo. I'm captnln ot my boat, I
BBJ am, nnd If I was afloat on a hencoop
BBJ with all Its crow I'd like to soo tho
BBJ , cock as would crow beforo I gavo
B him orders. Authority comos nat'ral
BBB to me. I'll be boss wherovor I am
BBJ (Hancock, more rum!) and I would
BBJ havo succeeded in whatsoovor I took
BBJ hold of. Phrenology told mo so, wroto
BBJ out plain. And I've n kind of lcanln'
BBJ towards sclonco over since that phre-
B 'nologlst put 'Is 'and on my 'ead and
BBJ said with a start of surprise, 'Captain,
B you're a wonder' Hut I'vo always
H J Fell asleep upon the table.
B i wondered what it was mndo scientific
BBJ f chaps look so 'elploss (Hancock,
BBJ ' more rum) nut don't you frot. gonts;
BBJ I'm Captain Joseph Prowso. and I'll
BBJ ' put you snfo ashore, or die in the at-
BBJ tempt."
J jr And as ho again ejaculated "Han-
BBJ jcock, moro rum," ho foil asleep upon
BBJ 1 1 the table.
H j. "Qentlomen," said tho geologist, "as
BBJ our IntoroBts nro now secure, I vote
BBJ 'we go to bed."
BBJ But it was still a heavy fog, and the
BBJ Nomagosendn was doing her ten knots
BBJ nn hour. Other steamers wore doing
BBJ tho same, or oven moro. Some twenty-
BBJ knot Unoru slowed down (In order that
BBJ thoy might say that thoy had slowed
BBJ .down) to about ninetocn knot and a
BBJ half; and some, acting on the theory
BBJ ithat tho soonor thoy wont through tho
BBJ 'fog bolt, tho better for overy ono, gavo
BBJ their onglnos all tho steam they could
BBJ make and stepped out for America or
BBJ
I
BM
England at tho pace of an indolent
torpedo boat. And tho result of this
was that at about four bells In tho
mlddlo watch, when tho niato's aching
oyes could seo forty imaginary summ
ers where thoro wero none, ho omitted
to observe there was a rcnl ono com
ing for him till It was too lato. The
Ncmagoscnda uttered ono long hor
rid wall, which was answered In vain,
and tho next mlnuto tho mon of
sclfnco woro shot out of their hunks,
nnd their steamer was taking In tho
Atlantic through a holo about tho slzo
of a dock gate.
What became of tho lucky, or un
lucky, boat, which got her blow In
first, tho crow of tho sinking steamer
did tint Inquire. They hoard her toot In
tho distance, nnd in answer they blow
tholr whistle for help. Hut though n
whlstlo In n fog may bo evidenco of
good fnlth, It Is not necessarily for
wida publication, nnd It is qutto possl
bio that tho stranger, If she did not
sink, lost hor bearings in tho fog,
nnd wont off In tho wrong direction.
At any rate tho crow and pasbengora
of tho Nemagonondn found themselves
adrift In three boats, and In less thnn
n qunrtor of nn hour thoy heard,
though thoy could not seo, their
steamer blow hor deck out and disap
pear. "All up with tho Gooseendor," said
tho crew sulkily, "and now of courso It
will blow."
As ill-luck nnd hurry would havo It.
In thelnst rush for life most of tho
crow had tumbled Into tho mate's and
second mate's boat. With tho lights
of science wero tho captain nnd Simp
kins A. II.
"Immortal Johoihaphat!" said Mr.
Joseph Prowso, "this Is a protty stato
of affairs. That mon-drownlng swlno
of a llnor! I 'opo sho's gono down! I
hopo tho codfish nro sizing her cap
tain up, nnd snyln whnt thoy think of
him. Slmpklns, kcop holloaing!
Whero's thorn othor boats?"
"I can't holler no more, sir," whis
pered Slmpklns hoarsoly, "my throat's
give out."
And 'as tho wind rose tho thrco boats
drlftod apart. Four eminent scientific
porsons nt tho oars kept tholr boat
head on to pea, and six other omlnont
persons lay on tho bottom bonrds nnd
wished thoy woro dead, until tho
dawn crawled Into tho cast and
showed thorn that thoy wero alono.
It was a chill and watery dnwn, nnd
as tho boat topped tho cold green
waves on tho edgo of tho Hank tho
prospect was eminently unkind. Tho
wind was not very heavy, but It blew
hard enough to bring tho spray ot
each curling wnvo inboard, and evory
ono was soaked to tho skin. Tho
sky wns lowering nnd overcast, nnd
though tho fog wns dissipated, a mist
covered tho sun till It looked, ns Slmp
klns: romarked, about ns warm as a
now tin pinto.
It must bo snld for Captain Josoph
Prowso that ho retained In somo mens
uro thoso characteristics ot authority
which ho claimed for himself, nnd by
a forced optimism, which tho natura ot
his crow mado him ndopt, ho endeav
ored to cheer thorn up.
"My luck's tempornry out," ho do
clarod, with somo show of cheerful
ness, "but it nln't tho first tlmo I'vo
been run down, nnd with God's olp,
gonts, It won't bo tho last. And It's
clean ngatnBt tho nnturo of things for
so many lenrn'd men to como to grief
nt ono fell blow. 'Ero or thcro a
sclontlflc jossor may como to grlot In
a crowd, but so many being togothor
Is tho best of Insurances. I'll pull you
through; you mind mo. All I ask you
to remembor is that I'm captain, nnd
whnt I says goos now and alwayf."
"It's all vory well," said tho meteor
ologist, whoso temper was going with
tho skin of his hands, "but wo nil
thought you had no right to run bo
fast in a fog."
Captain Prowso gasped, and thon
recoverod hlmsolf.
"Didn't I toll you I was captain
here, same ns on tho stoamor?"
"You did," said tho sulky man of
science.
"Thon hold your Jnw," sold Captain
Prowso; "whon you, or tho likes of
you, Is asked for criticism, It'll bo
tlmo for you to glvo It. Till then
you'll glvo your captain no lecturos
on tho running of his vessel. God
and the queen's onemlos 'as sunk my
ship, but nolther ono nor tho othor
has took nwny my natural gift of
authority, so shut up!"
And though tho meteorologist
chokod with rngo, ho said no more.
Slmpklns and tho captain consulted.
"Wo'jo right In tho track of steam
ors moro or loss," said Captain.
Prowso, "nnd It boln' so damp wo enn
hang out without much drink for a
day or so. And biscuit wo 'avo plen
ty." Slmpklns nodded.
"Yea, air, but this 'oro's a sulky,
usoloss lot, sir."
"So they nro," said Prowso, "hut
thoy'll 'uve to shapo thomselvos ns I
bid 'em. Tho first crooked word nnd
thoro'll bo n man of sclonco missing
out of this bright gal-ncksy ot talent. I
don't caro whoro I nm, but thoro I'll
be captain. I don't care if thoy was
my ownors, I'd run 'em all tho same.
Thoy ain't pasaengors'no more, thoy 're
my crow."
Ho took a drink out of n flask, and
sank back in the sturn-shoets.
"I want you mon to kcop your oyas
skinned," ho said presently. "Whioh
of you Is tho ustronomor?"
"I am," answered tho bow oar, who
wns a long, tftln man, In a wide
and spectacles.
I "Then keep n bright look-out or
you'll seo stars," said Prowso. "And
know tlint you nln't passengers no
moro, but a boat's crow, and my boat's
crow, and you'll hnvo to look lively
when I sing out So tho soonor wo
get a bit farther south tho hotter it
will bo. That will do."
And muttering that ho meant being
captain whother ho was on nn ico-floo
or a mud-bargo, ho foil asleep and
snored.
"This brute Is coming out in his
truo colora," said tho astronomer.
"What diil Iio mean by saying I should
see stnrs?"
"Hogging your pardon, sir," snld
Slmpklns, "ho meant he'd plug you."
"Plug mo?" V
"Bung your oyo up," explained
Slmpklns, "and Lor' bless you, ho'd.do
It. Oh, a raro chap Is tho captain;
why, noire years halt his money goes
In fines."
"I wish to heaven I was ashoro,"
said the poor astronomer, "nnd when
I get there I'll seo ho nover gets an
other Job."
Slmpklns eyed tho sleeping skip
per In alarm.
"Host not let him 'ear you, matox,"
ho cried. "Ho'd hazo you to death."
"Haze mo?"
"Work you up," explained tho sea
man. "What's that?"
"And I tliot yon wns nil IcarnMl"
whllo I'm on it, I want you Jobscts to
Epll
'Whlch of yoa Is the astronomer?"
said Slmpklns, with great contempt.
"I mean ho'd just stock it to you till
you was fair broke up."
The day passed without nny Inci
dent ot vital importnnce. It Is truo
they sighted tho smoko of n steamer
hull down on tho southern horizon,
but thoy saw nothing olso across tho
waste of heaving water. Every now
nnd again tho captain woke up and
made a fow remarks on tho nnturo ot
authority, and whnt ho proposed doing
to thoso who did not "knuckle under."
Hut tho night fell without any signs
tS mutiny on tho part of tho sclcntlflo
crow.
In the very oarly dawn tho astrono
mer, who had slept in uneasy snatches,
wake up for tho tenth tlmo and
changed his position. Slmpklns and
tho geologist wero keeping tho boat
beforo tho sen, which was running
southeast, nnd thoy wero both half
blind with fatigue
(To bo continued.)
HIS TRIBUTE OF AFFECTION.
Saved Remnant of Chum's Pet for a
Definite Purpose.
Representative Timothy D. Sullivan
stands firmly for tho lunato loyalty
ot tho Irish boy, no matter what his
ago.
"Thoro was a famous dog fight In
my district," said ho, "and all tho
boys In tbo neighborhood wero thoro.
Next to Christmas, thero's nothing ap
peals to tho average boy so much as
a dog fight. Tho ono I speak ot was
done to a finish, especially In ono ensu
whero thcro was nothing loft but a
small and pathetic piece ot brown,
furry oar.
"A red-headed, unkompt youngster
grabbed at It, nnd rushing up to mo,
exclaimed halt choking with sobs:
" 'Mister, say, toll mo whero Mr.
, the saloonkooper, lives.'
"I told him, and asked: 'What do
you want to know for?'
" 'Oh, I's acquainted with his son
Dtnny, what's tho owner of this,'
pointing to tho last romnant ot tho
dead can I no 'Sure, his heart will be
clean broke whon ho finds his cur
gone! I'll bo after takln' this bit ot a
ilmlmbranco to him, sir, and mnybo
ho can match It ti nnothor pup!'"
Now York Times.
Automobiles Cause Deaths.
Statistics for tho yonr ending August
.10 show that uutomobllos killed as
many persons In Englnnd In a week as
railroad trains did in a year. Tho en
tire numbor ot nccldonts enumerated
in England nnd Wales during tho po
rlod montlonod were 3.994, tho por
Rons injured bolng 2,991 nnd deaths
411. The figures show an nvorago of
7C.76 accidents n week, with G7.52 per
sons injured and 7.9 killed every week.
During tho Inst twolvo months tho to
tal numbor of pasHungors and railway
ofllclalu killed by accidents on pas
senger trnliiB on British railways was
olght, tho injured being 224.
Magnificent Affair.
Even areonlnnd'a Icy mountains
havo their plutocrats. Ono Kor-ko-ya
of East Hafllnsland litornlly stupoflos
his follow-trlbosmon with his luxury.
Ho llvos In u woadon houso, owns a
tablo and a paraflln lamp, and re
cently, to colebrato the fortloth an
niversary ot tho foundation ot his
buslnoss, ho stood cod liver oil all
round to his omulovoa. Pittsburg Dispatch.
f In New Hampshire Hills 1
(Special Correspondence.
Outsldo of tho largo cities almost all
of Now Hampshlro has become a stato
of rest and recreation.' Quiet resorts
in tho mountain country, far removed
from tho noise of tho railroad und tho
trolley, arc being Bought after moro
and moro. Tlmo Is nt a discount. Ten
and twcnty-mllo drives aro incidents
in tho dally llfo of tho people. Good
roads and good horses mako them a
pleasure; but tho nerve-trying auto
mobllo Is tho toy ot tho oxcltemcbt
loving patron of tho big summer ho
tel. Baron von Sternberg, tho German
ambassador, established a homo on
Governor's Island, Lnko Wlnnlplseo
gec, and becamo so enthusiastic over
it that ho declared that ho had Been
no plnco oven in Scotland or tho Ba
varian Highlands with which tho
Weirs could not hold its own.
Winston Churchill, after ho becamo
famouB as a writer of historical nov
els, traveled all over tho country In
search ot a spot for tho Ideal homo.
Arriving in Cornish, ho at onco mado
up his mind that ho had found what
bo was looking for. Ho bought an old
estato, nnd by tho .expenditure of
thousands of dollars transformed it
Into ono ot tho most beautiful coun
try seats, and now makes it hls-homo
tho year round.
Every year moro distinguished
names aro being added to tho list ot
Now Hampshire's summer boarders,
nnd tho Increase Is riot being confined
to nny particular town. Ex-Gov.
Frank S. Hlnck of Now York spends
his summers In Freedom, whero a few
years ago ho saw what ho thought was
tho most beautiful place upon which
his eyes had ovqr rested and bought
It. Senator J. C. Spooncr becamo en
thusiastic ovor tho beauties of Pitts
burg, and purchased a largo farm,
whero In summor lip leads tho slraplo
llfo In much tho samo manner ns Mr.
Cleveland.
Highways Being Built.
So tho list might bo extended, tak
ing In localities from tho coast, whero
thoiiLani's enjoy sea bathing nnd tho
rugged grandeur of the cliffs against
and tho manner In which tho aban
doned fnrm problem was met is told
by ex-Governor Batchclder, as follows.
"la 1889 tho New Hampshlro Legls
laturc, becoming alarmed at tho ox
tont to which tho abandonment of th',
farms of tho stato was being cnn.od,
authorized tho appointment by the
Governor and council ot a commission
er of immigration, whoso duty it
should bo to bring about, within the
measuro of his ability, tho rcpcopllng
"Governor Dnvld II. Goodell and his
counselors filled tho office thus creat
ed by tho appointment of tho Secre
tary of the Stato Board of Agtlculturo,
who has continued to hold tho posi
tion up to the prcscn' time. Tho num
bor of farms In th state for which
doslrnblo owners nnd occupants havo
been secured through the efforts of
tho commissioner testify to tho degrco
in which his success has been com
mensurnto with his desire? for the
wolfaro of his stato.
Why Farms Are Vacant.
"As early ns possible the malady
was diagnosed nnd the causes for tho
vacant houses upon tho farms woro
summed up under theso three heads:
"First Tho children left tho old
homestead for other fields of labor
whllo tho parents wero In physical
condition to manago tho farm, and
upon tho death ot tho aged parents In
later years tho children had become
engrossed In business upon other
farms or In other occupations nnd
ot tho rural districts of the Granite
Stato.
could not return. The farms havo
passed Into the han l of heirs and nro
for sale.
"Second Many farmers, cither with
children engaged In some othor avoca
tions or without children, having se
cured n competency by Industry and
frugal habits, "tavo retired from tho
farm to tho noliihborlng city or village
to spend tholr declining years In n qui
et manner, and the farm Is tot sale.
"Third Soui'itlmc the owners of
farms, seeing nnly the bright side In
other ccupatlonB nnd tho dark side In
theirs, havo l'ft the farm for soma
BAKSflBHdrLk lfATJmmWVMiWMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmR
klBlBlBHKraCv.r jWJcV jA (IJJJJflilJJJJJJjBIJJJJilJJJi
jBBBnyjHBH(SJJBBWCPfT8ffnBliWBBMWMfl "" BHS&BHlVfiBBBBBBBBB
JBJBHBBBJBBBJBBJBflPBBHBwA122BJQBJJBBBBjBJ n-"-&?" tfBJJJBjjJlllllllllJ9jJllP
IPPPPPPjBJSHiBHiTV tf .nl'iin Ih'i f ? -t c ' ' '.1 j , Tel
BJBJSJBjIpjnHMMuH - ffi, fpj " 'if wnn 'f mjmmMMJ)J)J)Isi
Plangdon House, Concord.'-
which tho groat waves dash, to tho
highest point In tho mountains, where
tho air is clear and dry, and hundreds
find tho keenest plensuro in climbing
great heights, from which can be seen
vast stretches of country, countless
hills, whoro nature in all her majesty
stands revealed.
In tho Whlto mountains moro than
fifty miles of permanent hlghwnys
havo boon built by special acts of tho
Stato Legislature In tho most grandly
beautiful section ot New Hampshlro,
at tho foot of tho Presidential range,
opening up now and beautiful regions,
nnd affording moro convenient means
of communication with different points
of lutorcst. Theso roads and tho ocoan
boulovard In process of construction
along tho sea coast strip represent the
most costly stretches of tho proposod
State systom.
Tho invasion ot tho nutomabllo In
recent years has Increased tho Inter
est taken in this work. Last summor
tho numbor of automobiles that went
Into tho stnto wns larger by hundreds
than ovor before, nnd tho prosent sea
son has already scon a greater Inva
sion. Attention Is also bolng paid to tho
forosts, under tho direction ot tho for
estry commission, whllo sontimont
among tho people Is bolng stimulated
by tho work of tho Society for tho
Preservation of Now Hampshire For
ests, an organization which comprises
in its momborshlp soma of tho best
known men in tho Stato, as woll ns
somo ot tho most prominent of tho
summer visitors. For Boveral years It
has kept a trained, forostor in tho flold
as a lecturoi; and advUer, Tho most
ambitious project so far advanced, nnd
It is said with good prospects of suc
cess, is to havo tho national govern
ment mnko tho Whlto mountain region
a national forest rosorvo.
Abandoned Farm Problem.
But tho dovolopmcnt of Now Hamp
shlro as a uummor resort stato, as a
land which' is proving nttractive to
woalthy timatour farmers; tho im
provement of Its roads nnd prosorva
tlon of itsvforests, has not como nbout
by any chnue.
Thoro camo, a tlmo In tho history of
the BtatQSJ&n t'10 rooplo nwoko to
tho fact tffih,y raU8t ,l0 Bomothlng
othor buslncBs only to bo disappointed
nnd having ralhcd money to engago It
other business by mortgaging the
farm, tho farm is for sale.
"The first collection of statistics bj
tho commissioner of immigration, Im
mediately upon his nppolntmcnt
showed n total ot 1342 abandoned
farms within tho Btnto. This was low
water mark, and whllo tbo causos
named above contlnuo to operate and
farms aro constantly bolng loft unoc
cupied here and thero in tho stato,
tho proportion of abandoned farms has
been gradually but surely growing
less."
Prof. Smythe'a Peculiar Hens.
Prof. Smytho has a grapo vineyard
of which ho takes great caro. Every
fnll tho boys, whonover they get a
chanco, steal a few bunches of grapes
Ono morning tho professor was sur
prised to find tho vines almost bare
Calling hla wlfo, ho snld: "Mary,
what has becomo ot tho grapes?"
"I suposo tho hons picked thorn off,'
wns hor reply.
"Hons! lions' Somo two-legged
hons," said her husband, angrily, to
which Bho calmly replied;
"Phil, denr, did you ovor soo any
othor kind?" Boston Hornld.
Master Tommy's Questlor
Miss Elizabeth Upjohn, a pupil at a
summer school of philanthropy, gave
tho following llttlo oxporlonco of hor
own at ono of tho sosslons.
"Mamma," said a llttlo follow In a
tenement home which sho was visit
lng, "what does tho lady havo a whlto
cross on hor bIcovo for?"
"Because sho's a trained nurse
Tommy," replied hits mother.
Tommy was silent for a moment
and then, consumed w(th curiosity,
asked:
"Mamma, does a trained nurse do
tricks?"
An Honest Confession.
Sho wns a widow for tho third tlmo.
"Which of your husbands do you In
tend to associate with whon you go to
hoavon?" asked tho Inqulsltlvo bpln
stor. "On tho level," answered tho widow,
"I don't oxpact to find olther of thorn
thero."
II
TAKE TIME TO SMILE !
HUMOROU8 ITEM8 MEANT FOR 1 1
QUICK CONSUMPTION. 1 H
Phase of the Much Discussed "High A
Finance" Where Willie Had the ; 1
Advantage Journalism In Crimson 1
Gulch.
In the Zoo.
"What nro you cogitating about?" I
Inquired tho ring-tailed marmoset ot I
tho laughing hyona. 1
"I was thinking what fools these
poets be," snarled tho uneasy quadru- I
pod. I
"Any particular verso or lino dls- I
pleaso you?" queried tho marmoset.
"Well, yes," tho hyena replied.
"Somo chump poet has said 'Laugh
and tho world Inughs with you,'but I i
notlco that when I laugh I laugh
alono." Clovclnnd PInIn Dealer.
High Finance.
Dodson Tho president of "Tho
Hldo and Seek Bank" speculated.
Hobsoti And, naturally, was unsuc
cessful? '
Dobson Why do you Jump at that '
conclusion?
Hobson Because they don't call It ' '
speculation when bank presidents !
win. .
' i
Goes to Headquarters. '
"Is there n man named Blnkcboo
living In this neighborhood? I'vo nsked
tho policeman on this bent nnd tho
night watchman nnd tho assessor and
tho grocer. Nobody scorns to know."
"Is tho man mnrrled?"
"No "
"Is ho an eligible sort of fellow?"
"He's said to bo good looking and
has n llttlo money."
"Just wait a mlnuto and I'll go In
and ask my unmarried daughter."
Graft.
"I want you to put In your 'Lost and
Found' column nn advertisement llkoj
this: 'Wallet containing considerable'
sum of money nnd papers. Finder will;
keep money; return papers'?" said tho
man.
"Don't you think," suggested the,
clork, "you had better add 'no ques-i
tlons asked'?"
"No, but you may Bay 'no questions
nnswercd.' I'm tho finder."
Sensational Journalism.
"I understand that Crimson Gulch
has a nowspapcr."
"Yes," answered Broncho Bob "Hut
tho toilers around hero is so sensitive
that they dasn't print nnythlng nbout
'om."
"It's editorial staff must havo many
difficulties."
"Mister, that ain't any editorial staff.
That's a sulcldo club."
Circulated Some. -
"Have you a library In your town?" ,
nsked tho Now York man.
"Oh, yes," replied tho westerner. f
"A circulating ono?"
"Woll, It wasn't Intended for that
sort of a library, but wo had two or
threo cyclones out our way that clrcu- .
latod it considerably!"
A Long-Felt Want.
Flnnnory "What's -tho matter wid
yo, Mlko?"
Flnnegan " 'TIs near kilt I was bo
fallln' down nn open coalhole."
Flnnnory "Well, woll, 'tis too bad
thoy can't Invlnt a coal hole thot'U
stay shut whin it's open."
To Be Precise.
"How brown ou nro, Miss nostlng,
You'vo been in tho sun lately, haven't
you?"
"How propostoroua! Tho sun Is
not ncccsslblo to us by nny mothod ot
travel. I'vo been In tho sun's rays. It
that's what you moan."
Unfair Advantage. '
WIlllo Bet I can mako tho ugllosi
fa co.
May You ought to, with naturo to
holp you.
Heard It for Yearn.
Hor Why did you laugh whon I
told you that Joko was orlglnnl with
mo?
Him Bocauso I caught ou In a
misstatement.
Hor Oh! you doubt my word?
Him No, but you told mo last night
you woro only 23. If you composed
(lint Johc, jou nro nt least CO. That's
all.