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OTE SALT JAKE HERALD STTNDAY APRIL 13 1890SIXTEEN PAGES 13
1 s
PROPHET BUSINESS
V
V
Bill Nye Adopts it in Opposition
to Wiggins and Webb
HE BUYS MORE REAL ESTATE Ii I i
ILc Vicissitudes of Winter Traveling Across
the Continent The Ways of
the Railroad
For Tire SUNDAY HERALD By special ar
rangement with the author
I have just bought some more real es
tate It occurred in Oakland Cal I
had the assistance of a prophet I hope
the loss will not overbalance the prophet
It occurred in this way A prophet on a
bicycle who was hard up came to Oak
land suddenly a few weeks ago and be
gan to ride up and down on a two
Wheeler and for to warn the people to
p J
A I A
s Il
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p1r i g
5
A
r dilgu
MEETING Hit J SIDES
3 flee to the high grounds and also the
wrath to come for he said the waters
Df the great deep would arise at about
the middle of the month and smite the
people of Oakland and slay them and
float the pork barrels out of their cellars
lend fill their cisterns with people who
sneered at the prophecy
This prophet in this way did a good
business He attracted much notice
and had all he could do as a prophet for
Boveral weeks Many Oakland people
were frightened especially as Wiggins
the great intellectual Sahara of the
prophet industry also prophesied a high
wave which would rise at least above
the bills at tho Palace hotel in San Fran
cisco With the aid of these two gen
eral middle weight prophets I was en
abled to secure some good bargains in
corner lots and improved property in
Oakland at 10 per cent of the estimated
value In other words I am putting my
limited powers a prophet against those
of Professor Wiggins the painstaking
and gifted ass of Canada and the bicycle
prophet of the Pacific slope I am will
ing to stand or fall by the result
As a prophet I have never attracted
attention in this country mostly because
I have been too busy with other things
Also because there was so little prophe
sying to be done that I did not care to
take hold of the industry but I have
ever been ready to purchase at a great
discount the desirable residences of those
who contemplated a general collapse of
the universe or a tidal wave which
would wipe out the general government
and cover with a placid sea the mighty
republic which God has heretofore for
some icason smiled upon Moreover I
can hardly believe that the Deity would
Commission a man to go out over Cali
fornia on a bicycle to warn people when
a few red messages and a standing no
tice in The Examiner would do the
work in less time Reasoning in this
manner with a sturdy logic worthy of
my rich and unctuous past I have se
cured some good trades in down town
l property and will await the coming
devastation with a calm and entirely un
ruffled breast
California at this season of the year is
a miracle of beauty as most every one
knows Nature heightens the effect for
the tenderfoot by compelling to cross
the Alpine heights of the Sierra Nevada
mountains and freeze to death in the cola
heart of snow blockade Thus weather
beaten and sore he reaches the rolling
green hills and is greeted with the rich
odor of violets I submitted to the in
sults of a tottering monopoly for a week
In the heart of the winter and tired and
sick at soul with chilblains on my feet
and liniment on my other lineaments I
burst forth one bright morning into this
realm of eternal summer The birds
Bang in my frozen bosom I shed tho
gunnysack wraps from my tender feet
even as a butterfly or a tramp bursts his
hull in the spring time and I laughed
two or three coarse outdoor laughs
which shook the balmy branches of the
tall pomegranate trees and twittered in
the dense foliage of the magnolia
Tho railroad was very kind to us at
first That was when wo were buying
our tickets Later on it became more
harsh and reproached us at times Con
ductors woke us up two or three times
in the night to gaze fondly on our tickets
and look as if they were sorry they ever
parted with them On the Central Pa
cific passengers are permitted to give
their tickets to the porter on retiring
You must wake up and converse with
the conductor at all hours of the night
and hold a lantern for him while ho
slqwly spells out tho hard words on your
ticket I did not like this and several
times I murmured in a querulous tone
to the conductor But he did not mind
it He went on doing the behests of his
employer and in that way endearing
himself to the great adversary of souls
I said to an official of the road Do
you not think this is the worst managed
road in the United States always ex
cepting the Western North Carolina rail
road which is an incorporated insult to
humanity
Well that depends of course = 4he
said on what standpoint from which
you view it from
Well if you were trying to divert
V travel to the Southern Pacific also the I i
rolling stock the good will the culverts I
the dividends the frogs the snow sheds 1 I
tho right of way and the new laid train
I ct fipz everything except the first second I
and third mortgages which would natu
J I
jally revert to tho government would
you not think we were managing the
business with a steady hand and a watch I I
1 ful I
eve
J said I certainly would I then I II j j
wrang his hand softly and stole away as
he also began to do the same thing J i t i
1 At ECHO we tad a day or two in which j I
to ooserve the city from the car plat
form whilst waiting for the blockade to
o raised We could not go away from I
the train more than 500 feet for it might
start at any moment That is one beauty
about a snow blockade It entitles you
to a stop over but you must be ready to
hop on when the train starts I improved i
the time by cultivating the acquaintance
of the beautiful and picturesque outcasts
known as the Piute Indians They are
a quiet reserved set of people who by
saying nothing sometimes obtain a rep
utation for deep thought I always envy
anybody who can do that Such men
make good presidential candidates Can
didates I say mind you The time has
come in this country when it is hard to
unite good qualifications as a candidate
with the necessary qualities for a suc
cessful official
The Piuto in March or April does not I
go down cellar and bring up his gladiola
or remove the banking from the side of
his villa He doe not mulch tho aspar
agus bed or pruno the pie plant or rake
the front yard or salt the hens He does
not even wipe his heart broken and neg
lected nose He makes no especial
change in his great life work because
spring has came He still looks serious
and like a man who is laboring under
the impression that he is about to be
come the parent of a thought These
children of the Piuto brave never ma
ture They do not tako their places in
the history or the school readers of our
common country Tho Piuto wears a
bright red lap robe over his person and
generally a stiff Quaker hat with leath I
er band His hair is very thick black
and coarse and is mostly cut off square
in the neck by means of an adz I judge
or possibly it is eaten off by moths The
Pluto is never bald during life After
he is dead he becomes bald and beloved
Johnson Sides is a well known Piute
who had the pleasure of meeting me at
Reno He said he was a great admirer
of mine and had all my writings in a
scrap book at home He also said that
he wished I would come and lecture for
his tribe I afterwards learned that he
was an earnest and hopeful liar from
Truckce He had no scrap book at all
Also no home
Mr Sides at one time became quite
civilized distinguishing himself from his
tribe by reading the Bible and confining
his shirt tail to the narrow confines of a
pair of cavalry trousers instead of giv
ing it to the irresponsible breeze as other
Piutes did He now established an hotel
up the valley in the Sierras and decided
to lead a life of industry Ho built an
hostelry called the ShackdePokerHunt
us and advertised in The Carson Ap
peal a paper even the editor of which
Mr Sam Davis says fills him with won
der and amazement when he knows that
people actually subscribe for it Very
soon Piutes began to come to the Shack
to spend tho heated term Every Piute I
who took The Appeal saw the advertise
ment which went on to state that hot
and cold water could be got into every
room in the house and that electric bells
baths silver voiced chambermaids over
I charges ai d everything else connecte
I with a first class hotel could be found
at this place So the Piute people locked
up their own homes and ejecting the
cat they spat on the fire and moved
to the new summer hotel They took
their friends with them They had no
money but they knew Johnson Sides
and they visited him all summer
In the fall Mr Sides closed the house
and taking a rubber cuspidor with a
capacity of two gallons he resumed his
blanket and went back to live with his
tribe When the butcher wagon came
the next day the driver found a notice
of sale and in the language of Sol Smith
Russell Good reasons given for sell
ing
Mr Sides had been a temperance man
now for a year at least externally but
with the humiliation of this great finan
cial wreck came a wild desire to flee to
the maddening bowl having been mon
keying with the madding crowd aU
summer So silently he concealed a hot =
tie of Reno embalming fluid and secreted
himself behind a tree where he was
asked to join himself in a social nip Ho
had hardly wiped away an idle tear with
the corner of his blanket and replaced
the stopper in his tear jug when the
local representative of the U G J E T
A of Reno came upon him He was re I
ported to the lodge and his character I
bade fair to be smirched so badly that
nothing but saltpeter and a consistent
I
11f l
t IL y
4II1A
I n
LOOKING L TO THE LAND OF FLOWERS
life could save it At this critical stage
Mr Davis of The Appeal came to his
aid and not only gave him the support
and encouragement of his columns but
told Mr Sides that he would see that the
legislature took speedy action t in remov
ing his alcoholic disabilities liiioug
the untiring efforts of Mr Davis there
fore a bill was framed whereby the
drink taken bj Johnson Sides of Neva
da be and is hereby declared null and
void
On a certain day Mr Davis told him
that tho bill would come up for final pas
62go and no doubt pass without opposi
tion but a sack would have to be raised
to defray the expenses The tribo began
to collect what money they had and to
sell their grasshoppers in order to raise
more
Johnson Sides and his tribe gathered
on the day named and seated themselves
in the galleries Slim old warriors with
firm faces and beetling brows to say
nothing of having their hair roached but
yet with no flies on them to speak of sat
in the front seats Large corpulent
squaws wearing health costumes se I
cured by telegraph wires listened to the
proceedings not knowing anything that
was going on any more than other people
do who go to watch the legislature Finally
nally however Sam Davis came and told
Ilir Sides that the bill had passed and that
ho was now pure as the driven snow I
saw him last week but it seemed to m
it was about time to get some more spe
cial for him
Once Mr Davis met Mr SidejLpn the
J
r 1
street and was so gladto see him that
he said Johnson I like you first rate
and would always be glad to see you
Whenever you can let me know where
you are
The next week Sam got quite a lot of
telegrams from along the railroad for
the Indians ride free on account of their
sympathies with the road These tele
grams were dated at different stations
along the way and were hopeful and
even cheery all being marked col
lect They were about as follows
Sam Davis Carson Nev
WiNNEMUCCA Nev March 8180
I am here
JOHNSON SIDES
Every little while for quite a long time
Mr Davis would get a bright cheery
telegram sometimes in tho middle of the
night when he was in bed assuring him
that Johnson Sides was there and he
would go back to bed cheered and soothed
and sustained
y
How Sho Could Comfort Him
Departing Wife And John is there
anything you would like me to say be
fore I die any little word that will com
fort you when I am gone
Stricken Husband Well Jane I dont
know of anythingoh yes Cant you
ell me how you make those cookies so
that I can write the recipe for my sec
ond wife I dont think I should ever
get over your death if the secret of mak
ing those cookies should die with you
Boston Transcript
A VariiIns That Was Ample
ii I 1 vCy s In
V 5V U
t + sill
I
Mrs Coon For pitys sake lie still
children Here comes the man whos
wearing your father Judge
Great Head for business
Little Addie had been told by her pa
rents of the advisability of keeping an
account of her daily expenditures to the
end that she might get into the habit of
saving some of her pennies A few days
afterward her mother found a piece of
paper upon the floor upon which was
printed this account
Two cents 2
Spent one 1
Spent all 0
Boston Herald
The Englishman Abroad
Attendant at the museum Sir smok
ing isprohibited f you will have to paya
fine of ten marks
Englishman Heres a sovereign
AttendantI cant give you change
Englishman never mind Ill
smoke two V cigars Gazzetta Piedmon
tese
force of habit 1
Teacher Who shot President Lincoln
Tommy Jones whoso mind is not on
the lesson Please z dam it was Willie
Brown
Willie BrownNaw c warnt Tom
my Jones did it maam I saw him
Lawrence American i
No Wood to Saw
First TrampLets go in this house and
ask for a meal
Second Tramp Why not the other
oneFirst Tramp Because in this house
they use nothing but oil stoves Mun
seys Weekly
A Lumbering Joc
RazzleHow do you like your new
boarding place
Dazzle Worst Ive struck yet The
pudding today tasted like sawdust
Razzle Well sawdust l is very fine
board Im sureExchange
A Youthful FInancier
Say mamma how much am I worth
You are worth a million to me my
K m >
Say mamma couldnt you advance
twentyfive cents Exchange
A Mystery
At early morale Farmer Brown
Had hastened from the door
His face was darkened r ith a frown
That oft had shone before
Its hard said he to keep things straight
Last Tuesday tasnt so
Confound that mlserble old gate I
what makes it sag so lows
And bonny Kate a dainty sight
Stood still demure nnd shy
The houso dog who had barked all night
Half closed a knowing eye
The swallow chuckling told his mate
Of chnts noath star beams glow
And Farmer Brown said Drat that gate I
What makes it sag so lowf
lowfWashington
Washington Pest
An Embarrassing Tongue Slip
Sho was a proud lady and a rich one too
as indicated by the fact that sho owned a
pew in cue of Chicagos most fashionable
churches She wore largo diamond earrings
and a costume most elaborate In fact she
carried with her an atmosphere of ultra re
spectability which was almost oppressive as
sho entered church last Sunday a trifle late
and observed from a distance that her pew
was already occupied and by strangers
Walking down the aisle with her nose in the
air as if pointing the North star she stopped I
at her pow and turning haughtily to the
usher who bad followed at a respectful dis I
tance inquired in a tono of concentrated but
suppressed contempt
VVho are these persons occupowing my
pieAnd
And tho minister wondered what made tho
congregation laugh Chicago Tribune
Sho Got the Doll
Senator Stewart of Nevada has a long
white beard and a kindly face Just before
Christmas as ho was walking up the avenue
from tho Capitol a littlo girl saw him and
rushed after him
Oh Santa Claus sho said as sho caught
him by tho coat tails wont you bring me a
doll for Christmas
Tho doll was forthcoming and the kid
doesnt know any better Washington Star
Couldnt Do It
ShcOh Henry its very easy to see why
you didnt enjoy the exposition You would
nt enter into what was going On You
wouldnt leavo your native prejudices and
ideas of life behind you While you wero in
Paris you should have done as the Parisians
didHenry
HenryGood heavens how could 11 A
man cant swindle and rob himself can he
t
4TCV WWWV 2V 9WVProtro 0W
DELICIOUS STRENGTHENING TO THE NERVES
Tea and coffee cheer but do not nourish They even
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U BEST GOES FARTHEST
It stimulates and nourishes as none other leaves no bad
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I
JE3VAST HOTJTEN COCOA onco tnedalways used The tronz may take
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Philadelphia Rochester Lynn
Ce1ebrated Factories
Are now pushing their Stylish Spring and Summer Goods to
HIRSCHMANS SHOE STORE
Latest t Novelties for Spring in all Colors and all Widths
ALL MAIL ORDERS PROMPTLY ATTENDED TO
m R StIELLY Agent
Coal Department Union Pacific Railway Best ° ° and
Cleanest Coal in market Rock Springs Pleasant Val
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Prices Prompt Delivery
201 Main Street Telephone 240
Fo Eo SHELLY Agit V
Taylor Romney Armstrong Co
OE BLOCK EAST OF U C H H DEPOT
Steam Planing Mill
MILL WORK
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TaYlor Romney Armstrong Co
Insure Today Tomorrow May Be Too Late
HOME
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Insurance Co
OF
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PAIDUP CAPITAL 200000
ASSETS OVER 272865
Ofiioers
HEBER J GRANT President
JAMES SHARP Vice President
LEWIS S HILLS Treasurer
ELIAS A SMITH Secretary
W J BATEMAN Asst Secretary
Direotor
HENRY DINWOODEY JOHN HENRY SMITH
GEORGE ROMNEY JOHN C CUTTER
Tnos G WEBBER DAVID Econ
P T FARNSWORTH GEO W THATCHER
WILLIAM H ROWE FnANK W JENNINGS
CHARLES S BURTON
HOME
lifE
Insurance Co
OF
UTAH
Gash Capital 100000
Ofiioer
JOSEPH F SMITH President
HEBER J GRANT Vice President
LEWIS S HILLS Treasurer
HEBER M WELLS Secretary
r > ireotor a
HENRY DINWOODEY GEORGE ROMNBT
WM W RITER JAMES SHARP
MOSES THATCHER JOHN HENRY SMECH
WM H ROWE CHAS s BURTON
JOHN C CUTLER ELIAS A SMITH
RICHARD W YOUNG
Heber J Grant Co General Agents Herald Building
S PEN cE KIMBALL
HEADQUARTERS FOR
FINE
° slip C
k SHOES
Custom Work and Repair
ing a Specialty
f OxE AGENTS FOR
LAIRD 1 SCHOBER MITCHELL and JAMES A BANNISTER
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C
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T II E = ZZlIUCC
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Largest Insurance Agency
IN U T A H
Heber JI J Grant Co
Salt Lake City and Ogden
FIRE INSURANCE
Represents None But Strictly
FirstClass Companies
ASSErS
Liverpool London Globe of
Liverpool England 43387000
Home of New York 8961657
Phoenix of Hartford 5061247
Hartford of Connecticut 5750080
Pennsylvania of Philadelphia 3106553
Insurance Co of North Amer
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Niagara of New York 2360135
German American of New
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American of Philadelphia3 2500916
Westchester of New York 1407452
Williamsburg City of Brook
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And General Agents for the
HOME FIRE INSURANCE
Company of Utah 272865
Herald Building Salt Lake City
JMo RES OR cos
Just1y Ce1ebrate
Monitor Stoves and Ranges
c
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ty
j
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it
t
FOR SALE BY
ZJ O M I and all its Brartohe
i
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RST SouTH T
r
lk
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ti
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THE
c 1
3 ub Cunnings Subdivision
Only a Few of Them Left
4 HOI IS THE TIME TO BUY
z 1 C 1 1 1 Shoe Factory 1
he Best
The Chew est
And Horne = ade
All Styles Varieties and Prices
e
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