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fHE WESTERN WEEKLY 7 1
A Little Bit of Everything m
MODERN MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE.
By Harold Goff.
4k Says Robert Lcc to Margaret DcHorne,
"I understand your lover sailed this morn
I To spend a year in Italy's sunny clime.
I Come, let's be wed, to pass away that time."
So up they go before the Man of God
And stand, serene, before the chancel rod;
They hear, without a tremor of the heart,
"I join you now till death doth part."
Then taking rooms on some bright avenue,
They settle down as any pair might, do ;
They "lovey-dovey" in just the usual way,
Both understanding it is all in play.
""7 Thus time flics on, with neither care nor fear,
?!? Until the end of "playing time" draws near,
y When Hubby, coming home one day to dine,
j Hears "Dovey" say, while sipping at her wine,
V "By chance this morning I have learned
"i ' '' My lover's footsteps home have turned;
So we must now, without delay,
Dissolve our bond and go our way."
Then, with a smile : "All right, my dear,
Meet me at three, two blocks from here ;
Judge Robart sits in court this week ;
' He'll grant the remedy we seek."
So up they go before the Man of Law,
Whose scowling visage fills the soul with awe ;
And many a heart within the courtroom bleeds,
As Mrs. Lee, downcast, heartbroken ( ?) pleads :
"Your Honor, please, this wicked man
Made goo-goo eyes behind a fan,
And yesterday he stormed about
Because I let the fire go out."
Then says the judge, " 'Tis my decree
j That from this tyrant you be free ;
You're justified in being vexed;
Go, Miss DcHorne Clerk, call the next."
O, ministers, if you'd consistent be,
Change those few words, they're mockery;
1 Say this: "You're joined let neither budge
I Until permitted by the judge."
yjc7r""""SyeiJotreet car conductors sometimes talk too much, or rathci
talk too much in the wrong place. It was on a 63rd street car, Chicago,
the conductor was inclined to seek for sympathy. "Do you see that
woman on the left hand side of the car, up near the front?" he asked
-r the thin man on the back platform. "Yes, I see her." "The one with
the dizzy hat?" "Yes," "Well, I think she's trying to beat me out of a
fare. When I went in to collect she never looked around, an' I ain't
quite sure that she didn't pay me before although I'm almost positive
about it. She looks to me like a woman who'd be glad to stir up a
fuss; 1 can pick 'cm out as far as I can see 'em. You never spot a
r--v woman with a face like that who isn't ready to bluff her way anywhere.
I wish to thunder I knew whether she had paid her fare or not." "I
wouldn't worry about it any more," said the thin man. "I paid the
lady's fare some time ago she's my wife."
When I was doing Associated Press work "down South" I no
ticed a negro mammy with a fat pickaninny, and the young one was
chewing away at a piece of fat pork. I remonstrated with her, telling
her that it was bad on the child's stomach, and that the child "might
choke on it." "Shaw, you white man, you done don't know nothin,"
said the mammy. "Do'nt ycr sec dat string tied to dat piece ob pork;
H .wall, de udder end tied to de chile's toe, ef he chokes, he'll kick, an' cf
he'kicks, he'll jerk de pork out. I reckon you's don't know nothin'
1 about bringin' up chillun." Western Publisher.
1 A western editor is said to have hit upon a plan to keep subscrip-
' tions paid up which "takes the cake." Every time a 1elinquent sub
scriber is mentioned in his paper his name is inverte For example :
' "nhoj senoj and wife are spending a few days in Chicago." Every
other subscriber understands what it means, and there is a grand
-J rush to get "right side up."
THE WAY IT LOOKED. ' I
Salesman (in department store) Looking for something cheap, ma- ' I
dam ? I
Mrs. Henning (looking for husband.) Oh, did you see him. I
Which way did he go? Bohemian Magazine. 'I
WHAT'S A VACATION.
A life insurance policy. fl
A smile on the face of Father Time. 1 1
An investment in the Bank of Health. I
The slot into which your savings drop. I
The funny supplement of life's newspaper. I
? The sugar coating to the bitter pill of work. I
An addition in health by subtraction in wealth. I
A rest wherein you work harder in spending your money than you I
ever did in earning it. Philadelphia Bulletin. I
A QUICK GROWER.
William M. Mauss, Chicago's industrial commissioner, recently I
visited New York and with great success pointed out to the New I
Yorkers Chicago's many advantages as an industrial center. I
Praising his great city at a dinner, Mr. Mauss smiled and said: I
Indeed, the quick growth of Chicago is as remarkable as that of Tin I
"A native praised Tin Can to a tenderfoot. fl
" 'Only six years old,' he said, 'and the finest young town in the
" 'Tin Can the finest young town in the west? Nonsense 1' said the H
tenderfoot. 'I don't like it at all.' fl
"'You don't?' exclaimed the native, astonished. 'When were you I
" 'Last week.'
" 'Ah,' said the native, 'but you ought to see the place now.' " H
"Those Japanese arc prcternaturally shrewd." ' H
"They weren't ready to have an exposition, so they didn't have it." H
Louisville Courier-Journal. jH
LOTS OF THEM. S
Weary Walker I see 500 more men has been t'rown out of work. H
Tired Traveler Geel Derc's gcttin' to be too much competition M
in our business ! Puck. M
A MEAN SLUR. H
"The laundrymen are thinking about forming an exchange." fl
"Good idea. I suppose you can go there and trade the collars you H
get for your own wash, eh?" Louisville Courier-Journal. .H
BUT STEADY BACKING.
"I shouldn't think there was much profit in the wallpaper busi- ;H
"Because a man in it finds his goods always up against it." Ex- fl
cnan8e- WHAT DID HE MEAN? fl
"Waiter, get me a newspaper so I can hide my yawns ; this con- -fl
cert is so stupid." fl
"Yes, miss. I'll bring the largest I can find." Fliegendc Blactlei. fl
Arnold Daly, according to Young's Magazine, had just been jfl
"touched" for a five. jfl
''Those emotional bluffs arc useful," he said. "A conductor sent a fl
new brakeman to put some tramps off the train ; they were riding in a fl
box car. The brakeman dropped into the car and said, "Where are fl
you fellows going?' 'To Atchison.' 'Well, you can't go to Atchison fl
on this train, so get off.' 'You get,' came the reply, and as the new fl
brakeman was looking into the business end of a r;u he took the ad- fl
vice and 'got.' He went back to the caboose, and the conductor asked fl
him if he had put the fellows off 'No,' he answered, 'I did not have fl
the heart to put them off. They want to go to Atchison, and, besides, fl
they arc old schoolmates of mine.' The conductor used some very fl
strong language, and then said he would put them off himself. He fl
went over to the car and met the same experience as the brakeman. H
When he got back to the cabpose the brakeman said, 'Well, did you fl
put them off?' 'Naw, they're schoolmates of mine, too.' " fl
A Cat on the Salary List. JH
The day of the first rehearsal of "The Traveling Salesman," a little jH
black kitten walked into the Hudson theatre and esconced itself in the H
lap of Gertrude Coghlan, the leading lady of the company. Taking fl
this for a good omen, the kitten was patronized. When the play had H
its New York opening and was declared a success, the future of the H
kitten was assured. Mr. Henry B. Harris had the "pussy" placed on fl
lh.e salary list, which provides it with the best food that can be fl