Martinsburg herald. [volume], February 16, 1901, Image 6

About Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920

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Gems of Lincoln’s- Humor.
I Pers*onai Reminiscences- of
r H. C. Whitney. V V
@T ESTEEMED friend. Opneral!
Lew Wallace* wrote me thus
in lSftl: “The first time 1 ever
saw Mr. Lincoln was at tte
Danville (Ills.) circuit court. 1 sat up
nearly all night listening to him, Ned
Ilannfgnn. John Pettit, Linder and
Dan Mace telling stories. Lincoln beat
them nil. Altogether It was the best
show t ver attended.”
“Where did Lincoln get all his funny
stories from?" was a conundrum often
asked. Pie Introduced me to ?!r. Hack
er of Union county mid added. “This is
the man who taught uie all my funny
stories.” This gentleman was a pop
'
ttlar politician who used frequently to
go to the legislature from his couuty.
Judge Treat of the United States court
told me that Lincoln once borrowed a
copy of “Jo Miller’s Jokehook" and
kept it for a month, and after that he
used to relate Jokes taken*froui that
book, but with addenda and altera
tions, evidently made by Lincoln him
self, to adapt them to the local situa
tion.
To Illustrate Douglas’ claim of con
sistency In his advocacy of popular
sovereignty he said: “That’s like John
ny Giles’ wife, who used to attend a
little store. She told a customer they
lost money on everything they sold.
“How do you keep up?" queried the
customer. “’Cause we sell so much,’’
was the reply.
Dr. Scroggs of Champaign had a suit
In court, and the peculiarity of the
name at once reminded Liucolu, as
usual, of something. “That's like the
advertisement. Smith & Iluggs, eias
slcnl school for boys and girls. Smith
teaches the boys and Iluggs the girls,"
There came to the president during
the war three conceited Individuals
with some sort of new device for
human slaughter which they desired
the government to adopt. He sent
them to the war department, from
whence they were referred to the navy
department, and. being disheartened at
the slow progress they were making,
they returned to the White House and
informed the president, ex cathedra,
that it was his duty to attend to it.
“That,” said Lincoln, "is like the Sun
day school hoy who had for liis lesson
the Incident of tlie three Hebrew chil
dren in the fiery furnace—Mestincli,
Shadrach anil Abednego— but wheu he
came to recite his lesson he couldn't
for the life of him remember their
names, so he was told to study hard
and recite on the next Sunday. Well,
no tried it the next Sabbath and got
along well till he came to the stum
bling block—the names—wlieu he ex
claimed with- vexation. 'Tarnation,
there come them three old bores
again.' ”
That ended their mission. They had
no reply to this, and deeming it useless
to prolong the struggle with a man of
such infinite resources to meet emer
gencies. they folded their tents, like
, The Arabs, and stole silently away.
AN UNCONSCIONABLE BOKE.
He illustrated Douglas’ scheme of
“squatter sovereignty” thus: "Pomp
• nd Jim found a bear’s cave In which
the owner had secreted a quantity of
honey for his winter’s supply, ami
which they designed to rob, and while
Jim entered the cave to steal the honey
Pomp remained outside to watch for
the return of the bear. Suddenly Jim
exclaimed, 'What makes de hole dark?
Pomp, who was struggling with the
returned bear, cried, ‘Ef de tall hold
Blips you’ll find out what makes de
hole dark.’ So with Douglas. If his
tail hold of ‘squatter sovereignty’ fails
him, the jig is up.”
He cleverly got rid of one of those
ardent but visionary patriots abound
ing during the war, who imagined they
could either conduct matters different
ly or at. least could make apt sugges
tions to the administration on the sub
ject. This visionary schemer was
Introduced by a note from his neighbor.
Secretary Smith, and, gaining an au
dience, commenced to develop his phrn
when the president Interrupted with
"That’s like Bill Dugan and his cone
dog,” and he commenced a droll story,
which tin- astonished auditor heart'
through arid took it as an emphsilc
hint to retire, which he Immediately
did. Beturning to ills neighbor, the sec
retary. he indignantly asked. “What
use was such a story at that time?”
The secretary laughed loud and long
and then explained. “You se<», lie want
ed to get rid of you and get down to ills
work, and according to your own story
he has done It effectually.”
At the Danville court a lawyer was
addressing a jury and, getting excited,
waved Ins arms so vigorous!” ns to
cause ills coattails to fly up. revealing
an unseemly rent In his pantaloons.
Tlie boys deemed it a sufficient Imsi
for a Joke, so a sultscription paper w*>s
got up to buy a patch for —— ’s pants.
It was circulated within the bar, and
we each subscribed a cent till It reach
ed Lincoln, who wrote, "Can’t sub
scribe anything to the end In view.”
In order to enforce a plain truth on
tlie clergymen who came to him In
September, 1*02, to urge 1dm to issue
an emancipation proclamation, he quiet
ly asked, “How many legs will a sheep
have if you call his tall a leg?” Tlie
answer was naturally five. "You are
mistaken,” said Lincoln, “for calling
the tail a leg doesn’t make it, so.” And
thus lie refuted their position that to
merely proclaim emancipation did. as
they claimed, of necessity emancipate.”
Again, in flic same strain, lie asked.
“If there are three birds sitting on a
fence and you fire and kill one of
them, how many will there be left?”
The obvious answer would be two.
“No, there wouldn’t,” said tills modern
Pilpay, “for tlie other two would fly
away.” And the most ordinary ex
perience attests that there could be no
logical reply to this assertion.
Of an unconscionable bore, who had
hemmed him up in a railroad car seat
and bored him for an hour, he said,
“That feller can crowd the most words
Into i1h> fewest ideas of any one I over
knew.”
In July, 1801, just after the battle
of Bull Bun, 1 was regaling him withi
the local news of our haunts in Illinois,
and among other matters 1 Informed
him of the death of an old Whig friend
who had turned “copperhead" and
TWO fat constituents.
made himself so obnoxious as to en
danger his life, and he died largely
of fright caused by that circumstance.
This amused Lincoln. “He died to
save bis life,” was the requiem over the
memory of this one time friend.
The first story l ever heard him tel)
was Iu open court at Urbana upon the
occasion of the Judge commenting on
a long and verbose bill iu chancery,
written by an excellent but extremely
lazy lawyer, when Lincoln said (and 1
think be Improvised it on the moment):
“That’s like the lazy preacher who
used, iu spite of his laziness, to write
\ and tedious sermons. Onc
ol t. r deacons explained it thus: ‘He
got to writing and was too lazy to
stop.’ ”
Looking down the vista of time and
through the bright retrospect of by
gone years. It would seem that the
great president had the moral support
of congress in the trying emergencies
he bad constantly to encounter. Such,
however, was not the roseate fact. 1
have myself heard him roundly abused
by members who professed to sustain
bis general policy, ami It was not un
common. He thus bit off this pro
pensity: “Your application.” said In
to a congressman, "puts me In mind
of the difference between the abstract
uud tlie concrete. When the bill to in
crease the ".rmy was before congress
vou opposed it. but when it passed
congress aud became a law you come
here and want appointments under it.
Your opposition to the bill was In the
abstract, and your wanting favors
under this same law you opposed is
the concrete application.”
A superserviceable member of the
committee on the inauguration asked
him ou the day preceding the 4th of
March if he would prefer to ride alone
to the capitol or with Buchanan. “That
reminds me,” said be, “of the man
dressed like a Quaker who was in court
as a witness aud, being asked whether
he would swear or atilrin. replied, ‘I
don’t care a-which!' ”
Me had more cares and perplexities
during tils official term, more than ever
will be known, but be glided over what
to others might have been serious dif
ficulties, aided by the lubricating sol
vent of his humor. Thus when some
men came to him with a report that tlie
secretary of war had refused to honor
his order and bad said besides that the
president was a - fool be said,
_________
■ <• *1
A True Tale of the
Gfeat Emancipator._
-jj [Condemned to death the soldier lay.
" /Vo pitying eye his sorrow wept.
S' Even he (or mercy would not pray—
^ Aj ^ The sentry that on duty slept.
K He scarcely marked the hours that passed.
He closed his eyes in sullen pride.
_\v i Waiting his doom, until at last
The guard stood gruffly at his side.
’[Sjome one to see you-" Well he knew
That face that every mocker linmed!
And as it met his startled view
The eyes with sudden pity dimmed.
our fault was great, and yet men say
i You took a weaker brother's place:
Two nights you watched and marched by
\ The soldier turned away his face.
/ /< "(AJnd yet you slept, and for that sin
fg3: A soldier dies. Have you no plea?"
JrM "A pardon I've no wish to win!
A life disgraced is not for me!
Then Lincoln stooped and loosed his ban
And when at length they all were rive
He raised him with a father's hands.
"My boy." he said, "your sin's forgive]
^fijneed’^nu^oldicrt^iirth^lighih"^^^"^^
Be thou my soldier from this day!
* Cd forth and battle for the right
And think of me when in the fray." ,. v , j*j\\
On many a fierce and bloody field
That soldier ever sought the vam
Too brave to fear, too proud to yield—
id once when others turned to fly
He saw the colors stoop and fall—
He seized and flung them to the sky
J f )/ And gave again the battle call.
' But ere they reached him where he fought x
The cruel steel had pierced his side. ■Z&LM
"And as he fell these words they caught;
! Lincoln how his soldier died!"
( .t.vT Cht 190> by Amwiun **»»» A»m u.t.im ,
"Well, then. 1 reckon 1 must lie one
for Stanton la generally right.” thus
throwing the laugh back on Stanton.
One evening iu our room the talk
ran on metempsychosis, or the doctrine
of the transmigration of souls, or that
when n man dies a new body Is born.
Into which the parting soul enters and
vivifies. The conversation then turned
to a study of a very mean lawyer
whom we nil knew and hated, then
hack to metempsychosis again, when
Lincoln was asked for his opinion. "1
reckon It's good doctrine, and it's noth
READING alocd his favorite book.
Ing ag'in it that when Quirk [the mean
lawyer] was born no one died.” a very
apt way to insinuate that he had no
soul.
A vain congressman from New Jer
sey Introduced two of his fat constitu
ents as two of the most prominent men
of southern New Jersey. When they
had gone, the bored president remark
ed. “I wonder that end of the state
didn't tip up when they got off of it.”
lie used to tell of a youth who erni
grated from New York to the and
soon wrote back to his father, who was
something of a politician: “Dear Dad—
1 have settled at - and like it first
rate. Do come out here, dad, for al
mighty mean men get ottiee here.”
When 1 came on to the circuit in
1854, I brought a book, just then new
ly published, entitled “The Flush
Times of Alabama and Mississippi,”
written by Joseph G. Baldwin of the
supreme court of California. It was a
compilation of humorous sketches of
the southern har and alleged practice
at the bar of the states indicated. Lin
coln was fascinated with it. and used
to read selections from it aloud iu our
room. This he did for several terms
In succession. Ills favorite story was
“The Earthquake Story.” and the book,
which 1 still have, bears the marks of
the hard usage it lmd at that place,
for he would at each term of court call
for the book, and the eutertalament of
hearing him read it always justified
the excuse (possibly true) that there
was some newcomer present who had
never heard It. It really was a very
humorous sketch, and Lincoln enjoyed
It each time of its repetition much
more than anybody else.
Cow * I'or Cohit.
There is quiie a movement on foot,
•says the Havana (Cuba) Post, now to
ward bringing into the island a flue lot
}f American milk cows.
Kiwis and Fn noli** In Tokfna and
ncmrnloa For the Innnnl Festival
of Cupid’s Patron Saint.
Despite the efforts of Ills critic*, St.
Valentine retains liis followers, and
even In this prosaic age we continue
to have one day devoted to sentiment.
In fact, the fashion of Bi nding gifts on
this day lias been on the increase of
late years. It is now so arranged that
the man who wants to observe the
occasion by sending a remembrance to
his ladylove can expend just as Iittje
or just as much as his fancy dictates
and his purse permits. The old fash
ioned lace trimmed valentine comes as
a familiar friend, unchanged in form
or garb and with exactly the same
couplets it has always borne. It may
be bought for from 3 cents to .$3, blit
very few of the latter are sold. This is
because it is only the children who
buy this kind nowadays or occasion*
ally a foreigner who wants to send a
memento to the girl he left behind.
Quite the prettiest valentines on the
card order are the large artistically
arranged ones, bearing quotations on
love from Shakespeare, Tennyson or
some other well known poet, with
illustrations of the scene from which
the lines are taken. Some of these
arc very beautiful. Others on the same
order and not so expensive are more
after the design of Christinas cards,
with a pretty though not. necessarily
sentimental sentiment. Many of these
can he bought for a penny, and there
is a large trade in them.
For a time there were indica
tions that the day would cease to be a
time for love tokens and would be
come, like the 1st of April, a time for
jokes. Fortunately we escaped that,
and there are now fewer comic valen
tines soid than formerly and more of
the sentimental kind. No real lover
forgets his beloved on this occasion,
but his offering takes the form of flow
ers, fruits, bonbons or, where they are
engaged, a piece of jewelry. In flowers
a pot or basket of growing violets is
the favorite. Bonbons come put up in
the loveliest heart shaped boxes, flow
er decked, for this especial season.
Upon opening them the first thing that
meets the eye is a candy Cupid, how
and arrow in hand, nestled among the
bonbons. Big heart shaped baskets
also come for fruits. In the way of
jewelry a diamond heart shaped locket
containing the picture of the sender is
the most appropriate. These diamond
hearts range In size from very small,
I dainty ones to those that are as large
! as a saucer. Of course these are only
sent where an engagement exists. Oth
er little U’inkets that are especially
suitable for the day are heart shaped
jewel eases, bonboqnieres, mirrors,
cushions and fancy baskets of all
kinds. Another desirable gift is a love
poem copiously illustrated, "The Oar
den Song,” from "Maud." being one of
the prettiest. Dealers say that many
copies of Kipling's “Vampire” are now
sold to he sent as valentines by disap
pointed lovers.
A new fancy which might be called
selfish—hut then we know that love is
supposed' to be selfish, and therefore
forgive—is a rosary of love thoughts.
It is of pasteboard, like the unfolding
calendar, each head representing a
day, and upon each is a love th< . :ht.
These paper heads slip easily upon a
narrow ribbon, and each day you are
supposed to give a thought to the giver
as you move that day to make way for
the morrow. If you forget one day,
yon are to leave that bead as a break
In the chain. Between husband and
wife there is no prettier present than
the one in vogue In Pepys’ time of giv
ing a ring, the ring being symbolic of
another year in the unbroken circle of
love.
Many odd fancies are found in cards
done in water colors. One of these
shows a maiden fencing with Cupid,
nud on her foil is a row of hearts.
Below are only two words, “Me too.”
Home of Mrs. Browning's “Sonnets
From the Portuguese,” exquisitely
bound, are also numbered among twen
tieth century valentines, while an ab
sent one can give uo more delicate
hint of his loneliness than by sending
a box of note paper containing either
the mon.v;i»m or the address of the
one to whom it is sent. Although u
woman is not expected to make any
present, there is one which she may
give her atiianced, and that is a picture
of herself iu a Jeweled frame. Quite
up to date is a music box of mechanical
attachment of some kind, and of course
all the music sent is love songs.
In fact, grown up people are running
more and more to holiday presents, and
considerable ingenuity is used to twist
them around and give them the proper
significance. Iu comic valentines there
are the same doggerel and the same
grotesque creatures, except that golf
conies in for a large share of the
caricaturing, and the poor wheelman is
left more in peace. There is a growing
tendency to poke fun at sports of every
kind In the comics this year, and of
course the football crank is a fertile
theme. Kathleen Gray Nelson.
A LOVER WITH AN ANCESTOR
The Valentine Stratairem of a De
spairin'* Artist.
Cecil Chrome, the aspiring young
artist, sat with his head buried In his
hands. It was rapidly growing dusk iu
the studio, uud he was losing precious
moments. Before him on the easel
stood"a small oil daub of a young girl
dressed in a bright purple gown. The
girl’s complexion was positively un
canny, while as for her position uo one
but a double jointed acrobat could have
maintained it for a second. Chrome
gave It one look, then he closed his
eyes in horror.
“No use!” he groaned; “the thing is
impossible, as the French say. I never
was made for an artist, but, oh. what a
business man was lost in me!” He
fished aronnd in the pocket of his vel
veteen jacket and by an unusual
chance fonnd a cigarette. **W ho. I should
tike to know, for instance,” he mutter
ed. “changed Tom Impressionist's pic
ture of a Grecian maiden at the foun
tains into an advertisement of Lather
& Co.’s soap and by this act of good
judgment caused said picture to sell
for $10? You did that. Chrome, my boy. *
and now Irnpreasibniat is on the high
road to wealth! Who showed Jack—
Bah!” he continued, impatiently kick- j
ing over his stool and walking up and
down. "How is that going to help me?
1 a don1 Alice Newlyricli— worship the
ground she walks upon -and her fa
ther's millions. If 1 could only marry
her. the’ old man would take me into
his business, and then my natural tal
ents would have a chance to shine.
Hut how can I do that? 1 am only
tolerated in the house because I am
supposed to Tie a genius! The day aft
er tomorrow is Ht. Valentine's day. She
will give a dinner: 1 shall not be invit
ed. lint that young broker will. Oh. if
at least I had noble blood in my veins
to appeal to the old man's toadyism!
As for tlic girl. I believe she’s half
mine already."
Chrome relapsed into a state of de- 1
spair. Suddenly he gave a ory of
exultation. "Why not?” lie exclaimed
as he dapped on ids hat and coat and
raced out like a madman. "This is a
case wbeie my brush must help me for
once.”
It was la to when tie returned, car
rying with him a roll of parchment,
a bottle of brown chemical and half a
dozen queorly shaped packages, lie
worked till past midnight and then
proudly laid on the table a document
quaintly flowered and illumined which
appeared at least several hundred
years old, after which performance he !
sat down and wrote the following let
ter:
Dear Miss Newly rich—St. Valentine** day i» at
band. The poor artist can give nothing to the
beautiful heiress which she has not already. My
heart, as you know, is yours till death. Tonight
a* I sat heartbroken in my little studio 1 took
out my little box of treasures and came across
this/ It is yellowed with age, and it has been
handed down in our family from father to son as
a priceless treasure. As the quaint lettering will
tell you, it was a valentine sent by my ancestor,
Guy de Chrome, to the Lady Beatrice, but, alas,
bis love was more fortunate than mine! 'Hie last
scion of the Chromes no longer admits to the
world his noble blood. His pride forbids him on
account of his poverty, but to you. beloved of his
heart, he confides his secret, lie has no right te>
breathe the words of love his heart dictates. Hi
can only send you as a little, keepsake his one*
treasure. Perhaps in .the midst of gayety yon
may grant it a sigh as you read it and reflect on
what might have happened if we had both lived’
In those faroff days.
The first thing in the morning a
messenger boy delivered a scroll-like
package at the Newlyrich mansion.
That afternoon Cecil received a little
note:
Pear Mr. Chrome—Tm no sorry, but papa hap
pened to oom in just as I was opening your love
ly valentine, and of course I was obliged to tell
idin all about it. He was modi interested. V
hope you received my invitation to take dinner
with us tomorrow. We shall particularly expect
you. Vours sincerely, AUCK NKWLvmru.
I’. R.—What a preity coat of arms you turret
Cecil Chrome went to the St. Valen
tine's day dinner and was more than
hospitably received. Not very long
afterward then* was a grand wedding
and the bride's carriage sported a
gorgeous escutcheon. I may add In
passing that just about this time a
certain sign was changed in the busi
ness district. It now reads “Newly
rich, Chrome & Co.,” and in the home
of the junior partner there hangs a
valuable antique—a valentine written
by one of his ancestors over dOO years
ago.Mach Hohinson.
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