The San Francisco call. [volume], December 08, 1895, Page 19, Image 19

About The San Francisco call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913

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THE ILLITERACY OF AMBROSE BIERCE
BY WIL.IL,! QRBER HARRISON.
Mr. Bierce has posed these many years
as the "bad man" in literature. Even a
bad man cannot be expected to smile on
his own debar <•. In Mr. Bierce's case the
smash-up is emphasized because a toy pis
tol did it.
Let me explain myself to Mr. Bierce.
He Das been the Bogie Man of San Fran
cisco for quite a number of years; he has
frightened a great many people: he has
destroyed some people; he has brought
toars to many a woman's eyes, and he
has brought the indignant oath to many
an honest man's lips, and so he has been a
terror. I have discovered him to be a
stuffed man.
Daniel O'Connell, the Liberator, thought
it necessary to silence a notorious scold— a
coarse, vulgar fishwife of Dublin— and he
did so by calling her a rectangular hy
potenuse. Mr. Bierce is a vulgar frac
tion.
lie does not answer my criticism be
cause he cannot. Instead he hides be
neath a woman's skirts, and thrusts Ma
dame Ferrier before him as a protection
against the thrashing which he deserved
for the use of the words "proselyting,"
"porrect,' 1 "affined," "impaction." And
how siliy he is about Madame Ferrier. As
written by myself in plain English, the
line mighfl^be said to be metrical. As
written by Mr. Bierce it is very common
place prose. The line will scan whether
Madame has an "c" or has none, and,
as Mr. Bierce did not write Madame
Ferrier with a French dressing, he cannot
complain if it is read in ordinary English.
So he may as well come from under
Madame Ferrier' s skirts.
Bierce is the victim of imperfect sym
pathies. Not understanding others he is
himself generally misunderstood. I am
explaining him. His knowledge is greater
than his ability to use it. Therefore.
when he writes we have an ill-digested
mass, heavy, coarse and vulgar. Occa
sionally this mass is lighted up by a
clever twistine of words or distortion of
phrases, but the general result is nauseous.
Mr. Bierce says that I will not again
indulge in a couplet at the beginning of
a blank verse passage. He is quite mis
taken. I am writing a poem, dedicated to
him, and will begin it with a couplet.
Meanwhile here is another kind of couplet :
AMBROSE BIERCE.
He utters and mutters and sputters
The filth that belongs to the gutters.
This is a pretty little trisyllabic which I
give him as a Thanksgiving offerine, and
here is a Christmas gift for him:
Immortal Bierce knocked at the gates of hell.
Knocked at the gates and rang the brazen bell.
Charon, once boatman on the river Styx,
Kow porter to his -race, the courtly Nix,
■ Hearing the clangor of the guarded door,
Exclaimed, " 'Tis Bierce, the champion bore,"
Then, through the wicket peering, questioned
why
Him thus aronsed a disembodied fly.
Bierce answered, with a grunt, "Pray, let me In ;
This is the home of all who dared to sin."
Then Charon answered. -'Here all men may come,
Save Bierce, whose prattle Is but tweedleduiii."
This is a very poor little poem; indeed,
it is very bad, but it is quite as pood as, if
not better than, anything Bierce has
written.
Bierce denies that he is an authority in
literature. He does not claim to be a poet;
he is certainly not a critic; what is he,
then? The answer is obvious. He made
an attack upon the Celtic Prince be
cause jjiat gentJeman spoke in a
variety tv measures, and now, with an
effrontery that is sublime, and an im
pudence that is amusing, he claims the
to vary measures, create new words,
or change the meaning of old ones. He
has in hand a stock of hexameters, penta
meters, spondees, trochees, dactyls and
other things in the nature of tin cans. He
amuses himself tying these to the tail of
his neighbor's Jog, but when they are tied
to his own tail he howls.
Mr. Bierce proclaims his gross ignorance
in charging me with falsehood when I said
that Shakespeare frequently opened a
passage of blank verse with a rhymine
couplet. Apparently he has never read
Shakespeare, but doubtless his readers
have. The following passages will be of
interest to them, and in reading them they
will see how utterly false Ambrose
Bierce is.
In all the quoted passages Shakespeare
uses a rhyming couplet introducing his
blank verse:
"Two Gentlemen of Verona," act 2, scene
7, Julia begins a blank- verse passage with
a couplet:
■• Counsel. Lucett*: gentle girl, assist me,
And even In kind love I do conjure thee."
"The Comedy of Errors," act 4, scene 1,
opens with a couplet preceding blank
verse :
" You know since Pentecost the sum is due,
And since I have not much importuned yon."
"Richard the II," act 2, scene 1, King
Richard opens blank passage with a coup
let, and is immediately followed by York,
who does the same thing :
" The ripest fruit first falls, and so doth he;
His time is spent, our pilgrimage must be."
" now long shall Ibe patient? Ah. how long
Shall tender duty make me suffer wrong?"
In act 4, same play, scene 1, King Rich
ard again opens a blank-verse passage with
a couplet:
" Ay. no! No, ay! For I must nothing be;
Therefore, no, no, for I resign to thee."
"Henry the VI," part 1, act 3, scene 3,
La Pucelle opens a blank-verse passage
with a couplet:
" Besides, all French and Franc© exclaims on thee,
Jjoubtin-? thy birth and lawful progeny."
"Henry the VI." part 2, act 3, scene 2,
Warwick begins a blank- verse passage with
a couplet :
" But t'uat the guilt of murder bucklers thee
And I should rob the deathsman of his fee.
"Julius Caesar," act 1, scene 1, Marulhis
apens a blank-Terse passaee with couplet:
" Wherefore rejoice, what conquest brings he
home?
What tributaries follow him to Rome?"
"Pericles." scene 1, act 1, opens blank
verse passage with couplet:
" se- where shecomes appareled like the spring,
Griifes ber subjects, and her thoughts the Kin?."
In the same play, act 2, scene 4, Heli
ranus opens blann-verse passage with
couplet:
•• No, Escanes, know this of me,
Aiiiiochus from incest lived not free."
And these are only a few of a large num
ber of instances where Shakespeare em
ploys this method of introducing blank
verte.
Mr. Bierce may object to Shakespeare.
Let him turn to Ben Jonson, and there he
will find numerous instances of a similar
lse of the couplet.
This exposure of Bierce's ignorance
:learly indicates his illiteracy.
In his anxiety to pose for the gallery he
baa lost the "proper function of literary
elegancy."
Look into his "Tales of Soldiers," etc.
Those show familiarity with military life
and a capacity to describe military affairs.
As I have already said, there are many
very beautiful lines, many strong whole
some phrases and much good, terse Eng
lish in these tales. But, from beginning
u> end, they are inartistic ; and all through
there is a grotesque straining after theat
rical effect. The author exhibits a curious
passion for blood. Blood, carnage, death
make his trinity of pain. He builds hor
ror upon horror, but leaves exposed the
scaffolding employed in the construction.
He has no imagination. He is therefore
not a story-teller, in a literary sense. The
poverty of his intellect is exhibited in the
fact that the same idea, with very slight
variation, is made to serve as the ground
work for several of his tales. In a "Horse
man in the Sky" he makes a son lire upon
his father. In the "Affair at Coulter's
Notch" he makes an artillery officer shell
the home of his wife and daughter.
In "An Occurrence fit Owl CreeK," there
is a feeble attempt at sensationalism in the
effort to describe the feelings of a hanged
man. There is neither art nor truth in
the relation. In "One of the Missing" the
author exhibits that kind of cleverness
which leaves the reader in the dark as to
his meaning. The story appears to be a.
stud/ of the sensations of a man dying a
horrible death, without any apparent
cause. In "A Tough Tussle" a Federal
officer, who hates dead bodies, is made to
keep a lonely vigil by the side of one
already dead. Mr. Bierce seems to see
some propriety in making the living officer
attack the dead bouy, and then fatally
attack himself, but he fails to do more
than disgust his reader. In another of
these blood-curdling stories, " A Watcher
by the Dead," a doctor undertakes to play
the role of a corpse with the view of scar
ing a brother doctor. There is a lively
struggle between the corpse and the
watcher; the latter is killed, but the corpse
escapes to become a hopeless lunatic. It
is a gruesome and clumsy narrative.
"The Man and the Snake" is built on
similar lines and offers no relief from the
horrors first named. It is 'an attempt to
play the bogie with a stuffed snake.
The author repeats himself, or some one.
else, in "The Suitable Surroundings." A
very prolix ghost story, with a strong
flavor of chestnut. The chief feature in
this story is a short supply of candles.
The reader is done to death by the story
itself, and that is what is very likely to
happen to anybody who reads Mr. Bierce's
tales.
(The author of "Black Beetles" presents
a curious psychological study, for he dis
plays a remarkable fondness for mad peo
ple, which is painfully suggestive.)
"The Middle Toe of the Right Foot," a
duel to the death in a dark room, long
knives, scarcity of candles and no contest.
One man elopes with himself; the other
scares himself to death. I won't tire ihe
reader with any further reference to these
horrible tales of horror.
The analysis of the stories discloses the
narrowness of the author's ability. His
stock in trade consists of "staring eyes,"
"gouts of blood," "froth," "saliva," im
aginary adversaries, dark rooms, an
overturned table, a half-burned candle and
a stuffed snake. "With these cheap and
tawdry properties he works up a series of
melodramatic pictures full of horror. I
am not surprised that the publishing
houses refused to accept this hysterical
hodge-podge.
Mr. Bierce is not a story-teller, in a
literary sense. His style, to use his own
phrase, is bizarre, and he is curiously in
different as to his use of words. On jia»e
29 of his tales of "Soldiers, etc.," we read,
"Pains appeared * * * to beat with
an inconceivably rapid periodicity," and in
the next sentence the same pains "seemed
like streams of pulsating tire." Pulsate
means to beat, to throb, to move with
rhythmical impulse. How tire can be said
to do this is not apparent.
On the same page we read of a man
"swinging through unthinkable arcs of
oscillation, like a vast pendulum." A
pendulum describes arcs as it swings or
oscillates, but it does not swing through
the oscillation, nor oscillate through the
swinging. It swings or oscillates through
the ajr. If the "arcs of oscillation" are
"unthinkable, '" it is to be presumed that
the pendulum which describes them is
"unthinkable" also, and if the man re
sembles the pendulum he too is "unthink
able." Where the author's wits were when
he penned this marvelous stupidity is not
evideiit.
But let us go back to "Pains appeared
to beat with an inconceivably rapid period
icity." "Periodicity" is the habit of re
curring or the tendency to recur at regu
lar intervals. What an inconceivably
rapid habit of recurrence is I do not know;
but I suspect that it is not the habit that
is "inconceivably rapid," but the recur
rence, and so all this cumbrous "high
falutin" resolves itself into plain English
as "great rapidity." Fie, fie, Mr. Bierce.
On page 46 men's faces are "gouted with
red." Bierce meant "smeared with blood."
On page 48 they are "freaked and macula
ted with stains" ; that is to say, they had
"dirty face 3." On page 70 he says "a small
rap on the head * * * incurred simul
taneously," etc. Only Mr. Ambrose Bierce
can "incur a rap." On page 86 he writes,
"He resolved to meet his fate more
manly"; this is clumsy beyond excuse.
Bierce meant in a manly manner, but
manly is an adjective. Manlily is the ad
verb. On page 94 the author introduces
an American officer, and describes him as
"flamboyantly attired." He meant us to
understand that the officer was in uniform.
He might just "is weil have said that he
was a piebald 'possum from the panting
prairie. On page 96 we find this delicious
morsel: "From a position of that compara
tive security, from which a civilian would
ascribe his escape to a miracle, he may be
dispatched," etc. What does it all mean?
Whether the civilian would ascribe the
position or the security or the escape from
the position, or the escape from the secu
rity to a miracle, the- puzzled reader is
unable to say. On page 155 the author
intimates tnat "a loss of which we will
never be conscious can be borne with com
posure." Ordinary English scholars would
use "shall" and not "will," though even,
then, the sentence is as clumsy as the
wobbling of a young dog.
On page 202 we read, "Old boots ple
thoric of rotting leaves." Plethoric means
afflicted with plethora, which is a super
abundance of blood in the whole body or
in some orjan — an abnormal fullness or
repletion. The synonym of plethoric is
corpulent. The author intended to say
that the "old boots were full of rotting
leaves." Why he couldn't say so is owing
to the fact that he then, as now, suffered
from a mental "impaction." In another
place he uses the phrase, "Desultory
remnants of a flannel shirt." The
word desultorj might ba applied to
Mr. Bierce's method of study, but
not to the "remnants of a flannel
shirt." On page 294 an unfortunate old
lady is "chlorided to her fathers." "Gath
ered to her fathers" is scriptural, poetical
and good English. "Chlorided to her
fathers" is a grotesque plagiarism and is
very bad English, and therefore Biercine.
Chloride is a noun; the verbs arc cnlor
idize, chlorinate and chloridate. These
were not sufficient for Mr. Bierce's pur
THE SAW FRANCISCO CALL, SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1895.
pose, so he invents a new verb, "chlorided."
Well, all the chloride in the world will not
dispose of the bad odor of his bad English.
Mr. Bierce's prattle has become mere
"pribbles" and "prabbles," with the "yel
lows" in them, and he himself a literary
gargoyle. ____________
A STUDY IN CHOPS.
"Chops, sir? Yes, sir," replies the waiter,
immediately gliding across the room and
transmitting to the cook the following para
phrase of our order, "Two muttons to fol
low," which we again may, for the benefit of
those gentle readers who have not been
initiated into the mysteries of a city chop
house, explain to signify that one and the
same individual requires two chops to be
cooked and served up in succession, so that he
may eat them both as they come reeking aud
piling not from the gridiron.
Having made these arrangements for our
prandial meal we wait in perfect confidence
the advent of the chops, spending th c * ew
minutes that elapse before their appearan ce m
contrasting the wretched dish of thin, dry,
hard, blackened, frizzled objects— which we
had at our boarding-house yesterday with
the piump, succulent, tender masses which we
know right well from numerous experiences
are preparing for our delectation. It is need
less to ask any benedict to institute a like
comparison. Chops at home are an abomii.a
tion, a makeshift— a mere means of eking out !
jan otherwise unsatisfactory meal. Does a
friend drop in, and benedict's wife states that
they have nothing left, but that they can soon
oook a chop? Notice the alacrity with which
I the offer is "declined with thanks"—where
i upon benedict and his friend sally forth to the
; favorite chophouse and order the very disn
they despised at home.
If we seek to discover the causes which lead
to the vast superiority of the chop at "Joe's"
over the chop at home we must have recourse
j to the first principles of culinary chemistry.
The flesh 01 the sheep, like that of all other
j animals, is not a simple body, but consists of
I several distinct substances, each of which is
acted upon in a different manner by heat. In
order to practice the art of cooking success
fully, and in accordance with the science of
chemistry, we should know what the various
substances are which compose our food, and
what are the effects of different degrees of heat
on cacti.
The most abundant ingredient of flesh is
I water, which constitutes thrte-ijuarters of its
weight. It must, however, be borno in mind
that this water contains dissolved in it certain
proportions of substances ot the highest possi
ble value as articles of food; hence it is-of the
utmost importance in ail the processes of cook
ery that not a single drop, if" possible, of this
juice of the llesh be permitted to escape. Its
retention is necessary to secure the succulence
and sapidity as well as the nutritive character
of the meat.
Oi the solid constituents of the flesh one of
the most important is that which cons*itutes
I the fibers, or grain of the meat. This is termed
i by chemists ribrln, and although in some mys
j terious condition it exists dissolved in the
j biood, in its solid form it is quite insoluble in
j either hot or cold water. Fibrin is hardened
I and contracted by heat, even when the tem
perature is not greater than that of boiling
; water.
Another substance existing In the flesh Is
precisely similar in all its properties to the
i white of an egg, hence it is appropriately
| termed albumen. In its liquid state nlbumen
| readily dissolves in water, but, exposed to a
; temperature even 30 degrees short of boiling
j it hardens, or coagulates, and becomes quite
j insoluble in and impervious to water.
In addition to these substances a certain por
■ tion of gelatine exists in the liesh. But as the
! quantity is not lartje, except in the tendonous
| and sinewy portions, it is not very important
! to our present subject.
Having tpokeo of the action of heat upon
these constituents oi flesh when in a separate
condition, let us now consider its inlluence
upon them us they exist combined in the
meat. On putting the chop down to the lire
| the rirst ertect ot heat is the coagulation ol
i albumen on the surface exposed to it. By this
' coagulation the flesh is rendered solid and an
| outside layer is formed through which the
j juice cannot pass. If the application of heat
! be longer continued, the increased tempera
' tu re causes the hardening find contraction of
the fibrin; this contraction squeezes out the
! juice which rapidly escapes from the side of
j the chop farthest from the fire, and should its
action De allowed to continue, the meat be-
I comes dry, hard, insipid and Innutritions.
The experienced cook, however, never per
mits the temperature to rise to such a degree,
and the escape of ihe juice on the other side is
prevented by the frequent turning of the chop,
■ i-o that the insoluble coating of albumen is
formed on both sides before any cau be forced
j out by the contraction of ihe fibrin.
Practically, the rules to be borne in mind in
i broiling arc as follows:
The chops must be cut of a thickness cer
i tainly not less than one inch and n half, and
i they should be severed from the loin by the
'. saw, so as to be uniform In thickness; they
j should tnen be Dlaced down to a clear, bright
! lire, so that the albumen of one side may
t be immediately coagulated, and then they
should be at ouce turned, and this
'■ turning be repeated almost incessantly until
j they are done: if a fork is "thrust
| Into the flesh the juice escapes through the
! punctures and the chop is spoiled; therefore a
j pnir of small tongs should be eraplojed for
: that purpose. Should a chop be cut in" two to
; nrceruinif it be sufficiently cooked, aud then
; put down to the fire again.it Is immediately
i spoiled. Tne golden rules of broiling a chop
j are: (1) Select a thick chop. (2) Take care
i that your fire is clear and bright. (3) Let the
turning r>e rapid and incessant.
Attention to these will secure a great im
provement in our domestic cookery, and with
I a little practice the chops at home may even
i rival those at "Joe's."
Hut here comes the waiter with my first
"mutton." Ah! Just what I expected— a
model chop— done to a turn.
BUSINESS MEN COMBINE.
Retail Poultry and Fruit Dealers
Form a Protective Asso
ciation.
They Say That Wholesalers Have
Been Infringing Upon Their
Rights.
There is at the present time a proposi
tion on foot between business men to pro
tect the trade of both wholesaler and re
tailer. The retailers in poultry and fruit
joined hands last Thursday and formed a
Ketail Protective Association, with Tom
Burns as president, H. L. Zambelli as sec
retary and Frank Curtoni as treasurer.
The object of thp association is to pro
tect the retailer* from any wholesaler or
commission merchant who might sell to
the public at large as a retailer, in this
way injuring not only the retailers but
also poultry - raiser3 and fruit - growers.
The Commission Merchants' Protective
Association has published notices which
reao. as follows:
Comminsion Merchant*' Protective Association:
The following laws and rules will be enforced
on and after December 14, 1835:
Section 1. "Hills for goods sold to retail deal
ers in the cities of San Francisco, Oakland and
Alnmeda shall be due und payable on the first
Monday following the pale of goods, and be
come delinquent on and after the following
Thursday. All bills for fjoods sold to dealers
outside of the cities of Han Francisco, Oakland
and Alnmeda shall be due and payable on the
lifteenth day following the sale of the goods,
and if not paid be delinquent on the eigh
teenth aay following the sale of goods.
Section t> provides that when any party or
parties chall dispose of their business and not
pay all their indebtedness to members of this
association creait will not be granted their
successors until such time as all Indebtedness
due members of this association has been
pa.d, and then only upon the approval of the
committee.
All crates, chests, boxes, etc., must be settled
for as merchandise, and under no circu-m
--tUances shall they be carried forward from
week to week, but must be settled for at the
time each bill is paid.
These notices have spurred on the retail
ers to action and they have now started
their association in such a manner that
all wholesalers caught selling at retail will
be boycotted. They have determined
never to purchase again from a firm so
boycotted unless they put up a bond of
$100 to be forfeited in case they do sell at
retail.
The retailers will also join with the
wholesalers in a plan to protect them
selves from peddlers who are not licensed.
It is merely a business proposition be
tween business men. If the wholesalers
wish to have their bills settled promptly
each week they must keep out of the retail
business and thus give the retailers a
chance to pay bills, which will otherwise
be impossible.
Mr. Burns thinks that all honest com
mission merchants will agree. to this, and
then business will go on as smoothly as in
days of yore.
PIONEER REMINISCENCES.
In the Days of Old, the Days
of Gold, the Days of
Forty-Nine.
PASSING OF THE ARGONAUTS.
Each Had a History of His Own and
Thrilling Tales to
Tell.
Flag again drooping listlessly at half
mast on the staff above Pioneer Hall, pro
claimine another argonaut at rest, the surf
of the sunset sea chanting his mournful
requiem. How oft of late has this sad
reminder of the mortality of their asso
ciates been displayed to the gaze of the
surviving adventurers ol
The days of old,
The days of gold,
The days of '49!
And yet it would, indeed, be strange if,
HENRY n. LIVINGSTON.
in this closing decade of the century,
adults who landed on these Occidental
shores nearly fifty years ago siiouid
not now be rapidly passing into the un
discovered country. The vast majority of
the searchers ior the "golden tlee<t-"were
in the bloom of early manhood. Few had
reached middle age. and scarcely one in a
thousand beyond the meridian of life.
Arriving here between the ages of 20 and
30 years, they would, according to nature's
inexorable laws, end their earthly pilgrim
age at or before the three score and ten
years allotted to mortals.
Of 750 senior members of the Pioneer
Society on the roster now living, thirty-six
wore born in 1819, thirty-four in 1820,
thirty-live in 1821, forty-one in 1822, tifty
nine in 1823, fifty-two in 1824, fifty-rive in
1825 and fifty-four in 1826.
The three oldest argonauts on the roll of
the survivors are Admiral Selfridge, born
in 1805; Captain John Short, in 1807, and
Francis Ro.and, in 1809.
None of these octogenarians are incapaci
tated, either mentally or physically, from
pursuing their daily avocations, and very
few of the men in tiie "seventies" can be
classed among superannuated septua
genarians.
Enured to toil and enduring unwonted
hardships and privations in the early days,
these surviving adventurers have neverthe
less preserved their constitutions all hut
unimpaired, and, free trom care and bodily
ailment, they pass the evening of life in
serenity, fearlessly and unfalteringly
awaiting the summons of the Divine
Master to join the great niaiority in the
pale realms of shade beyond the silent
river.
To depict, very imperfectly may be, some
of the sketches and narrate incidents of ye
olden time is the purpose of the writer of
this communication. In dissertations and
lectures, published and delivered at fre
quent intervals, have been embodied ex
ceedingly interesting information in the
California experiences of the narrator.
And there was no sameness in the narra
tives. Each had a history of his own, and
thrilling tales to tell of sufferings endured
and fond anticipations unrealized. In the
lives of gold-seekers during those primi
tive days disappointed hopes and blasted
expectations were the rule, and success the
exception. If the varied experiences of
the pioneer miners in the mountains, the
merchants in the marts of trade, the me
chanics In the workshops and the profes
sional men in their respective avocations
could be given to the world through the
medium of the printing press, stories as
incredible as those of the Arabian Nights
and more exciting than the adventures of
Gulliver would electrify the most phleg
matic skeptics in Christendom.
AN EVENTFUL VOYAGE.
The writer trusts that it will not be
deemed presumption in him to revive in
this communication personal reminis
cences of his pioneer voyag.- to the El
Dorado of the Occident and subsequent
experiences in the land of Ophir. Just
prior to the exodus of the yan of the grand
army of gold-hunters the official news
reached the National capital. Simultane
ously with its promulgation the seaboard
cities were convulsed with excitement.
Kich and poor alike caught the yellow
fever. But the first tide swept off neither
the rich nor the poor. The wealthy could
afford to wait and the impecunious could
not get away. The merchant, the me
chanic, the manufacturer and the profes
sional man constituted the bulk of the
argonauts who paid the exorbitant passage
money. But these were speedily followed
by the enterprising farmers of the country,
both East and West, and the traders of the
thriving interior settlements.
In the van of the pioneer fleet was the
Christoval Colon, she being one of the first
four vessels to sail from Gotham. On
January 6, 1849, she started on her "voyage
of discovery," and by an apt coincidence
the craft bore the name of the Genoa navi
gator. The skipper had an ominous sur
name also — Coffin. And when three days
afterward in the gulf stream off Cape
Hatteras, that graveyard of seamen, the
gallant craft was dismasted in a hurricane,
we felt that the only Coffin aboard would
go down with the rest of us to Davy Jones'
locker "unknelled, uncoffined and un
sung." But the stout ship came out of her
fight with old Neptune and Boreas right
side up after lying all night on her beam
ends. But she had to put into Rio for re
pairs.
THE BRAZILIAN CAPITAL.
What a haven of rest for the weary souls
en route to the Golden Gate ! Would that
I could adequately give a pen portraiture
of the magnificent harbor of Rio de
Janeiro! Straits as narrow as those of
New York or San Francisco. Clusters of
conical islands clothed in the luxuriant
foliage of the tropics dot the placid bosom
of the bay.
Onqpne side of the "Gate" stands the
frowning fortress and on the other the
towering eminence known as the ''Sugar
loaf," a barren reck in somber contrast to
the verdant slopes of the lofty "Cocoa
vado" beyond. Emerging from the straits
into the broad bay a panorama at once
sublime and picturesque. Amphitheat
rical in shape, the far-aistant mountains
fringing the horizon, and so lofty that
their tops are ciad in a mantle of perpetual
snow. The gentle slopes extending to the
margin of the bay opposite the city are
studded with the palatial mansions of
Brazilian noblemen or adorned with the
cozy cottages of the humbler citizens. The
foliage surrounding these suburban homes
adds vastly to the attractive features of the
landscape. The bay is at least seventy-five
miles in circuit. On the shores of this
grand sheet of water looms up the city of
its last Emperor, Dom Pedro. The min
arets on the hundreds o? churches and
monasteries, the gilded domes of ca
thedrals, the white walls of the public
buildings of a religious and secular char
acter present to the voyager entering this
gate a tropical paradise, an enchanting
panorama.
But the illusion is dispelled on entering
the city. The bay may truly be the theme
of lofty panegyric, but the streets and
alleys of the town are as repulsive as those |
of Constantinople. California-bound pas
sengers, half famished, made an onslaught
on the restaurant of the Hotel Pharoux.
Every luxury and delicacy on the menu
were called for — and so was the bill. To
the utter amazement of the party, the
pretty demoiselle who sat at the re
ceipt of customs handed over the counter
a wilderness of figures, which being
counted up amounted to some thousand
mille df rpys. Aghast did the dining
argonauts stare at the monstrous ex tor- j
tion. hut to their inexpressible relief the!
tair interpreter cave them to understand j
that each figure represented only the frac
tional part of a cipher. It is needless to
say that the very moderate bill was set
tled without growling.
Enchanting are the botanical gardens
at Botofogo, one of the loveliest localities
of either hemisphere. Every variety of
tree, shrub and flower is to be found in j
these gorgeous gardens. On one of our j
jaunts Dom Pedro was met mounted on j
a stalwart sorrel steed, and who with his j
suite was bound to the celebration in the;
city of the birthday anniversary of his I
wife, the accomplished sister of the King j
of Naples.
JOLLY PIONEERS ON A SEA STEAMER.
"Lucky dog you are, old man." ex
claimed Purser Mcllvaine as he booked
tne stranded stranger for a trip from Rio
to Yerba Buena. His steamer, the Pana
ma, entered the harbor while the Colon
was still undergoing repairs. He hap
pened to be an old Knickerbocker friend,
and swore by the great horned spoon that
this stranded wayfarer should get aboard
his craft. Did I jump at the chance!
Well, did ever a toothless spinster of 60
accept a proposal from a handsome man
of .TO! Before the Panama weighed anchor
I found myself snugly ensconced in a
nice stateroom, with Porter (afterward
admiral) for a captain, and Hall McAllis
ter, Sam Ward, king of the lobby, Lieuten
ant George Derby alias John Phoenix, and
other argonauts whose names have time
and again appeared in print as fellow-pas
sengers.
It may be remarked, en passant, that
just prior to leaving port, and on the even
ing of March 4, 1849, the loyal sons of our
native land celebrated the inauguration of
President Taylor by a sumptuous banquet
at the same old Hotel Pharoux.
From the dilapidated Colon to the com
modious Panama was a transition from
purgatory to paradise. The companion
ship of congenial spirits, toothsome viands
and the exhilarating anticipation of speed
ily reaching the golden goal made the trip
from Rio to Patagonia an ocean picnic.
Oh ! the calm Pacific, the windless Pacific,
the waveless Pacific! So I had read in
childhood days, but fondest hopes were
ruthlessly dispelled when the Panama's
prow first plunged into the Western ocean
off Cape Pillar. The wind blew fearfully
landward. The night was as dark as
Erebus. For hours the stanch ship made
no headway, and the lee shore not a dozen
miles away. A mountain wave all the way
from Australia struck the craft like a
thunderbolt. Bhe quivered like an aspen.
The walking-beam stood on the center. It
had to be pried over by muscle. It was a
critical moment, but the crisis in an instant
thereafter was passed. The gallant steamer
weathered the cape and was safe.
The tedium of an ocean voyage was en
livened by the immaculate "Squibob,"
whether on deck or in cabin. He issued
the initial and final number of the Pacific
Pioneer and pasted it on the mainmast of
the vessel. The front^piece represented a
rear view of a huge digger, and beneath
was the explanatory note. "The latter end
of a profane swearer."
A.t the Star Hotel in Valparaiso tne
waiter set before him a plate of cold bis
cuit. Beckoning to the steward tie
shouted, "I nay! Weren't these biscuits
made out of Chile flour!"
Down in the doldrums, when ennui and
universal lassitude and listlcssness pre
vailed. Lieutenant Derby proved to be the
Phoenix to revive their drooping spirits
and infuse new life into their lethargic
veins.
So one lovely moonlight evening he con
cocted a unique entertainment. He piped
all cabin passengers to quarters on the
after deck. A curtain was stretched amid
ships. On being drawn "Phoenix." him
self, a stalwart fellow of at least 2oo pounds
avoirdupois, was seen lying prone on the
deck snugly ensconced in the arms of a
f>rostrate steerage argonaut also of hercu
ean proportions. Arising slowly and
facing the curious crowd he exclaimed,
with the most saoctimonious countenance
imaginable: "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is the first of a series of tableaux for the
evenkig, viz. : a fair picture of the babes in
the woods."
Throughout the long voyage he con
tributed hugely to the entertainment of
his fellow-voyagers. Woe to the hapless
victim of his pungent witticisms. He was
a man of scholarly attainments, a graduate
at West Point in the topographical corps
of engineers. He presented a striking
contrast to Mark Twain. The youth of the
latter was pas?ed in the "texas" of a
Mississippi steamer. He had none of the
advantages of an early education. His
associates could scarcely appreciate his
homely sallies and rough jokes. On the
contrary, the keen and polished witticisms
of Derby, cutting like a Damascus blade,
were enjoyed and applauded abroad as
well as at home. A devoted admirer, "Sam
Ward," a genuine humorist, deliehted in
cornering "Phoenix," for at repartee he
was seldom worsted. When the "twain"
met, their flashes of wit and merriment
literally kept the table in a roar.
But the richest of all the pranks played
by the inimitable wag was on the alcalde
at Toboga, while the ship lay anchored in
the bay of Panama. A nephew of the
swarthy native was christened, Phcenix
standing a godfather to the saffron-hued
infant, in the rustic bower improvised as a
chapel, on the island. A collation followed
the ceremony, and in the. evening a ball.
Derby, who officiated as master of cere
monies, led out at the head of the first
quadrille a native Granadan maiden, big
as the fat damsel of a dime museum. At
the supper table he plied his chocolate
hued partner with aguardiente so freely
that she became totally oblivious. About
midnight he was seen packing her home
on his Dsck, meantime chanting the Aye
Maria in lugubrious strains.
Derby made his final exit from the ship
at San Diego. Of his thrilling experiences
there behold! are they not embodied in
the memorable annals of "Phoenixiana ?"
Under the treaty of Guadaloupe Hidalgo
the Commissioners, headed by John B.
Weller, to run the boundary line between
the United States and Mexico landed from
the steamer Panama at the old hide house
immortalized by Dana in his "Two Years
Before the Mast." This was on June 1,
and on the 4th the pioneer steamer entered
the Golden Gate.
LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF A MINEB'S LIFE.
The second Governor, I, John McDou
gall, piloted the schooner Louis Perry
through the tortuous slough to Sutter
ville, he at that time being interested in
real estate thereabouts. It rained steadily
all of June 7in the valley. Our party of
twenty encamped on a ridge above high
water. And if on this site the city of
Sacramento had been built the millions of
dollars lost by fire and flood would have
been say. d. No sooner had tents been
pitched on the river banks than green
horns rushed, with miikpans in hand, to
the margin of the river. How their optics
glistened on seeing the yellow scales in
the sands of the beach! And how glum
they looked when the scales turned out to
be worthless mica.
Another fledgling of the law, aided by
the writer, tried to drive an x team from
Suiters Fort to the North r'ork of the
American River. Neither knew "haw"
from "gee." The cattle consequently had
their own way. The heat of the arid
plains was like that of a furnace. The
parched bovines broke away and plunged
through the bowlders to sake their thirst
in the cooling stream. One of the yoke
got wedged in the rocks. He couldn't be
extricated and had to be shot. And thus
it happened how we made our first $150
like unto the Hibernian's dividend.
On Horseshoe Bar, alongside of the
ninth Governor of California, mined
"Chris Lily," the renowned pugilist,
Julius K. Rose, C. D. Judah, J. Q. Hyer,
Thomas Sunderiand, besides other pioneer
lawyers, physicians and, in after days,
successful merchants of the metropolis.
M. Lanriat, the most noted aeronaut
of the day, walked into camp one day from
Suttera Fort. He was then 80 years old.
Toward the last of June the first prairie
schooner, laden down with besoiled
women and tow-headed urchins, wheeled
into camp. On the canvas covering was
painted in huge capitals "Pike Co., Mo."
This was the pilot of the grand overland
procession of 1849.
A more intelligent, orderly and indus
trious community than that along the
North Fork of the American River during
that eventful season did not exist east of
the Rockies. Religious exercises were
held each Sabbath in the groves, "God's
first temples." Patti ought to have heard
the choir leader. He wouid start off on
'•Old Hundred" and bring up on "Yankee
Doodle. By common consent no work
was done on Sunday. But the boys would
blow out the b.ack sand from their pans of
gold dust, wash and mend their shirts and
spread them on the rocks to dry. An
abundance of soaproot furnished the
material. Red flannel was worn during the
week and blue shirts on Sunday, out of re
spect for the day.
An Oregon ian brought a sack of onions
into camp one day. The anti-scorbutic
vegetables sold like Gram's New Orleans
"Delta" at $2 apiece.
In the following summer while rocking
the cradle in a ravine a noble buck sprang
over my head and vanished instantly.
Many months afterward the now cele
brated Alabaster cave was discovered close
by and I have since thought the deer dashed
into that subterranean retreat for safety.
My partner, a physician, used opium to ex
cess. On returning from a distant trading
post one day I met a miner, who said "Dr.
M. died at his rocker an hour ago." A
half-emptied bottle of laudanum was in
his hand. His was the first grave dug on
the slope of Pilot Hill above Dead Mans
Bar.
An enormous machine for extracting
goid with the aid of quicksilver was
shipped from New York early in '49 and
transported to the North ForK diggings.
Of course it proved worthless, and was
abandoned by the roadside. And for a
long time afterward this ana that locality
was known as so many miles from the
quicksilver machine.
A BUBAL FUITERAL.
In the spring of 1850 a brother-in-law of
President John Tyler met his death by
accident. While descending the Sacra
mento River in a whaleboat with three
companions the lock of his gun caught in
the thort of the craft. The charge ex
ploded, killing him almost instantly. The
casualty occurred near the mouth of ,
Feather River. The body was taken
ashore at Fremont. I being bis only
relative on the Pacific Coast, went up from
Sacramento and took charge of the re
mains. Fortunately an emigrant party
from Oregon were encamped on the bank
of the stream, and in a tent I found the
body neatly attired for burial; thanks to
the thoughtful and tender ministrations of
woman. A rude box was built and the
corpse placed therein by toe yeomanry in
camp.
The saddest duty of my life was that of
writing on the coffin lid the distressing
news to the bereaved mother and afflicted
widow, whose babe was born almost
simultaneously with the receipt of the
mouinful intelligence. The funeral took
place in the open prairie on a lovely Sab
bath morning in April. A eocd dencon in
camp conducted the simple obsequies.
We buried the poor fellow in the midst of
wild flowers, for the unfenced valley was
carpeted with them. The scene at the
grave was both novel and impressive.
Here were gathered a band of careworn
pilgrims, who had journeyed the previous
season thousands of miles by land toward
the setting sun. And here lay before them
the lifeless form of one who from the
snores of the Eastern ocean had sailed
other thousands of miles and like them
selves in pursuit of the gold that perishcth.
A most affecting episode occurred while
the body was being lowered into the narrow
subterranean cabin. Three or tour native
Californians in the group came forward
and bowing over the open grave most
reverentially exclaimed: "Adios, senor,
adios, senor!"
I have witnessed pompous pageants, but
no obsequies are so indelibly impressed on
the memory as that rustic funeral in the
verdant valley of the Rio Sacramento.
Henry B. Livingston.
A Judge's Retorts.
Two capital retorts, which are well worth
rememDering, are attributed to the vener
able Chief Justice of the New York Court
of Common Pleas, Hon. Charles P. Daly.
At one time a delicate question as to the
construction of a statute was discussed be
fore him, and after elaborate arguments
on each side the Chief Justice decided the
question in open court, giving his reasons
in a few well-timed remarks, which caused
a lull in the courtroom.
The silence was speedily broken by the
successful attorney, who stood np and
said, with an air of patronizing approval:
"May it please your Honor, I for one,
agree, with you entirely."
The Chief Justice, with a twinkle in his
eye which betokened his enjoyment of the
joke, but a perfectly grave face, quietly re
moved his glasses, and amid a breathless
stillness said: "I have, counselor, gen
erally found in my experience that the
successful party agrees with the court."
Upon another occasion a young attorney
was try'ng to convince the Chief Justice
that he did not know the law.
The Juage listened to the young man's
baranzue with courteous patience for a
long time, but at last lie became weary.
"My youner friend," he said, with an
ironical smile, ''before you are as old as I
am you will have learned that it is about
as well to read Chesterfield as Blackstone.
— Youth's Companion.
The earthquake in the vicinity of Seda
lia. Mo., had the good effect of starting
the flow of water from springs and streams
that had long been dry.
NEW TO-DAY.
A FATAIfSTiI
Misunderstanding the Popu-
larity of Drs. Copeland,
Neal and Winn.
The Real Cause of the Widespread
Interest Over the $5 Rate, With
All Medicines Included.
The widespread Interest over the low rate of
$5 a month, including medicines, awakened
over the whole coast, must lead to no misun-
derstanding as to the cause of its popularity in
San Francisco, where, first a nine days' won-
der, it is now a permanent and formidable fea-
ture in the largest known practice.
That it is the marvel of the professional work
of this century is true— why ? Because it
is a wonderfully cheap rate ? No! rather be
cause it is the only rate for what is admittedly
the best treatment in existence. This fact, gen-
erally recognized by the San Francisco public,
who learned long a£o that under the $5 rat©
Drs. Copeland, Seal and Winn were doing bet-
ter work than could be obtained from other
doctors for $6, 10 or $20amonth.or $5 or $1O
a visit, should be just as thoroughly known to
those in other cities who are studying the effect
of the $5 rate in introducing a new era in med-
ical charges. It is awakening the attention of
the profession, not because it is cheap treat-
ment at a cheap price, but because it is the best
treatment at a merely nominal price.
THE SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT
Of One Case Always Leads Others to
Heed the Warnings.
That nothing succeeds like success is showt •
in the statement made by Mr. Anton Decio, a
well-known and popular business man of Ar- m
cata, Cal. He says:
ANTON DECIO, AKCATA, CAL.
"T have been cured of a case of catarrh by
Drs. Copeland, Neal and Winn, and I want it
known so tnat others may know what can be
done for them. My trouble began twelve or
thirteen years ago. I wa3 then living in Santa
Cruz, where lam very well known. At first it
did not amount to much, but it gradually grew
worse, until I was suffering all the tortures of
chronic catarrh. I doctored continually, and
took all kinds of patent medicines, but nothing
helped me. I had about made up my mind to
give it up, when I read of the good work of the
Copelana Medical Institute. I decided to try
them, and did. with but little faith. Repeated
failures had made me very skeptical, but my
friend, C. C. Richard, had been cured, and I
felt certain that if he could be cured there was
a chance for me. I took the home treatment
and began to improve, at first very slowly, but
now I am as well as ever I was, with the excep-
tion of my throat, but that is due to some of
the treatment I had before. I want to recom-
mend Drs. Copeland, Neal and Winn, and can-
not find words to express my appreciation of
their good treatment." ■
READ THESE STATEMENTS.
If Ton Doubt Them Investigate and Be
Convinced.
Mrs. M. C. Gllson, an elderly lady, formerly a
resident of Prescott, Ariz., but now living at
217 Francisco street, speaking of her , ex-
perience with the Copeland treatment,
says: "I called on Drs. Copeland, Nenl
and Winn and placed myself under their
treatment. It was but a short time until I
could hear and smell, and now I am safe
In saying that I am a well woman again. Their
treatment is wonderful, as the results in my
case are but little short of miracnlous. I
earnestly advise all sufferers to go to the Cope-
land Medical Institute if they want to be
cured." _____
F. A. Pust, 220 Bush street, says: "On the
advice of a . physician, I called on Drs. Cope-
land, Neal and >Vinn. They removed a num-
ber of polypus without the least bit of pain and .
then cured my catarrh. I now feel perfectly
well, and feel very grateful to them for the
cure they have effected." ,
Mr. E. Nelson, 128 Ettie street, Oakland, says:
"I had read and heard so much about the
Copeland Medical Institute that I determined
to make a trial there. I did. and now feel llko
another man. .1 can testify that the immediate
relief after the first treatment was fully worth
the small fee charged for the full month, and .
after a short course I was entirely cured. Any
one desiring any further information regard-
Ing my case will be cheerfully received if they
will call on me." . . .
TREATMENT BY MAIL.
For those desiring the treatment by mall tha
first step is to drop a line to Drs. Copeland, Neal
and Winn for a question list or symptom blank. '
Return same with answers filled out and treat-
ment may be commenced at once. Every mall
brings additional proof of the success of the
mail treatment. -
$5 A MONTH.
No fee larger than $5 ; a month asked for an
disease. * Our motto is: "A Low Fee. Quick
Cure. Mild and Painless Treatment." '
Tie uUJloldllll lUoliMl IMUIUj,
PERMANENTLY LOCATED IN T'.IE
COLUMBIAN BUILDING,
- " ; ; - SECOND FLOOR.
91 Market St, Next to Baldwin Hotal,
. Over Beamish's. . .
" V?." H. COPELAND, M.D.
J. G. NEAL, M.D.
. A. C. WINN, M.D.
SPECIALTIES— Catarrh and : all diseases of y
the Eye, Ear, Throat and Lungs. : Nervou3 Dis-
eases, Skin Diseases, i Chronic Diseases.
* Office hours— 9 a. m. to 1- r. m., to sp. JC,
7to 8 p. M. Sunday— lo a. to2p. >i. -
, Catarrh troubles and kindred diseases treated v.
successfully by mail. Send 4 cents in stamps*
for question circulars. ■ .
■*■'-.. '■.-- - : ■ ■....'.
19