THE OTHER WAY.
"Do you think that constantly wearing a bat has a. tendency to make a man
bald?" -
"No; but when a man is bald I've noticed that It has a tendency to make him
constantly wear a bat."
manner, "that Is the pink of politeness."—
Baltimore American. I
"I despise a practical joker," said th«
woman in a pink bonnet.
"That Is the only kind of Joking: that
pays," responded the woman In a sailor
hat
She was the wife of a professional hu
morist and was therefore qualified to
speak with authority on the subj*cu—
Town Talk
PRACTICAL.
"We bad quite a lively debate at th«
school-house Saturday evening." remark
ed one Populist. "We aim to discuss only
questions of Interest to the party, but
this was about the liveliest time we've
had yet."
"What was the question debated?' la
quired another Populist.
"Last Saturday night tb« topic for con
sideration was. "Resolved. That two
barber shops are worse than one national
bank."— Judge-
DEBATABLE.
••Did you read about that lady who
lectured to the students of the University
of Chicago on how two may live comfort
ably for $300 a year?"
"No. I've been up in the -woods on a,
two weeks" vacation. Just got back, and
haven't seen a paper for a long time. Did
she make out a good case?"
"Yes, first rate. Told Just how it could
be done."
"'Who Is this lady?"
"I've forgotten her name— Miss Cather
ine Somebody."
"Say. sreat heavens! Is she a miss?
Why didn't you write It down? If she's
gpod looking I might be tempted to— but
I'm going to watch now and see whether
there's any gallantry Jn this town, any
way. You don't think she was talking la
the Interests of any of those St. Joe boat
companies,' do you?" — Exchange.
S2C0 A TEAR FOR TWO.
"I thought." said the man who wanted
to enjoy his vacation in the "mountains
"that you charged only J7 a week for
board and a room? Here it is in your let
ter."
"Yes, I know." replied the proprietor of
the hotel, "but you didn't ask about the
outlook. We charge 'Ieven dollars a week
extry for that." — Chicago News.
Cv • •
"I believe you- have been secretly mar
ried to young Mr. Noodle," cried the irate
father. "How ridiculous!" replied his
daughter. "Well." said her sire, "he used
to come here at 8 o'clock and stay till
11:30, and now he doesn't get here until 9
. o'clock and leaves at 10:15."
For the fourth time that week Mr. Gris
com, the American Charge at .Constanti
nople, rang the bell of the Yildlz palace.
"13 the Sultan In?"'
"He is. Who shall I say called?"
"Mr. Griscom, with that little bill of
Uncle Sam's." A pause then ensues.
Then the voice of the Sultan Is heard
from within.
"la it ray faithful friend Griscom?"
"It is, your Majesty," replies the
flunkey.
"Then," said the Sultan, gravely, "you
must let Gris-come again. Ha, ha, ha!
JI6. ho, ho! lie. he. he! Ain't that the
best ever? Gris-come! Seer'
"Wow.wow, wow!" roaded the delight
ed flunkey.
"That's the eleventh time he has work
ed that moth-eaten old gag on me and
I'm getting pretty blamed tired of the
whole business," said the "unhappy Gris
com, as he moodily stalked away —Cleve
land Plain Dealer. '
WHERE THE PROFIT CAME IN.
ETIQUETTE ON THE FIELD.
SULTAN'S LITTLE JOKE.
A CHANGED MAN.
"It"« funny bow marriag-e changes a
man," said Sprlggs" caller.
"Yes," repMed Spriggs dreamily; "It used
to be that I was devoted to baseball and
football and basket tall, and now I give
all roy spare time to baby's bawl," and he
arose hurriedly and went into the adjoin
ing room.— Detroit Free Press.
•Henry," raid the woman who . had
given her husband a" lovely combination
¦writing table and sewing machine on his
birthday, "I hope you haven't forgotten
to-morrow wilt be my birthday?"
"No. dear." he replied. "I have bought
you some cigars. The box will be useful
to keep bobbins and buttons in." Phila
delphia Press.
HIS TURN.
SUGGESTIONS.
"We were horrified.
"Gorilla warfare?" we gasped. "What
should over put it into your heads to be
come gorillas?"
"Well, you see, the British had already
made monkeys of us," said the Boer, who.
If we mistake not, was a field cornet or
something.
We had it In "mind to allege a non
sequitur, but refrained upon reflecting
that these people are after ail more sinned
against than sinning.—Detroit Journal.
"Here/.'-Sfexclaimed the undersecretary,
rushing in, wildly excited, "is another ca
ble from China. It must be something
important, because it's written in' cipher.
Where's the code? Let's get it translated
as soon as possible. At last the great mys
tery may be cleared up."
Then they worked over it for three
hours, and finally the chief of the depart
ment was called in to help. He looked at
it hard for a few minutes and then said:
"Put up the code. This is a list of the
names of Russians ¦who were wounded in
one of last week's engagements."—Chi
cago Times-Herald.
ALMOST CLEARED UP.
"I want you to make for me a thou
sand strong pocket-knives." said the Job
ber.
"Here's a good knife I ke«p In stock."
replied the manufacturer. "I can give yoa
a thousand at once. It has two good
blades and a corckscrew."
"Never do* This order Is for a prohibi
tion State."
"Well! Do you mean to say the cork
screw is of no—"
"I mean to say- the knife should have
two corkscrews and one blade."—Phila
delphia Press. ' — v< .
"Most children." said the old schoolmas
ter, "are very much like postage stamps."
"indeed r* sali his friend.
"Yes; they have to be licked to maka
them stick to their letters."— Philadelphia
Record.
A HEARTLESS JIBE
6
The parrot was too . f righfened to talk,
and the sergeant who was behind the desk
in the East Fifth 'I street station at 9
o'clock that night 1 ' did 'not know how to
decide the dispute between the crowd
brought in by , Policeman. ,Goss.\
"Squawk," said the parrot. - ;
"Shut up," said the sergeant.*"
"It's my parrot," chimed 1 , in Lawyer
John Palmieri, who lives at* 159 Second
avenue. "I charge this- man standing
here, William Kensley. with stealing the
bird."
"I didn't, steal.it," said Kensley, who
works in a ! barber shop at 155 Second
avenue. "The parrot flew into my shop
just now and I put him In the towel
closet tq ' find out .who' owned him. He
landed: on the : head of a' man who was
getting shaved.'/ "
"He didn't,", said Palmieri. "He landed
on a tree after he flew out of my mother's
arms, andthe barber got him there."
"He landed in my boss', shop," said
the barber, "and when f I wouldn' t give
him up Mr. Palmieri landed' on my eye.
It is black "anu blue." •
'ObbJeobble," gobbled the parrot.
" "How : did .it happen?" asked the ser
geant, turning to- Policeman Goss.
"I'll. tell you," began the lawyer. "I
was — — " •
"It was this way," interrupted the bar
ber. "I-~"
"Squawk!" shrieked the parrot, and the
sergeant shouted: . "Keep quiet or I'll
lock you all up." J.- -.
"Well," said the* officer, "when I got
there I found a big crowd in the mix-up
in the barber shop, and the parrot was
getting the worst of it. Then I interfered
and brought them all here."
"Core! Core!" sighed the parrot, with a
long sigh on the" R." "Core!"
"He said court," remarked the sergeant.
"I guess the parrot is about right. Gen
tlemen, clear out and settle the matter in
court in the morning." — New York Sun.
Joo Many Jalked-at Once,
He had driven from a backwoods hamlet
to the station, and after making an in
quiry of the conductor boarded the train.
When well on the way he stopped the
blue-coated official and asked In all seri
ousness:
"I'm sorter hungry. Will you tell m»
jest where the eatln' car is?'
"There is none on this train," was tn«
answer, "lt'a short ran does not require
it.*:..
"Huh." grunted the questioner. "Wich
of yer keers is the one that yer Jest loll
around in an* turn and twist yer eheer
any way ye please? Don't imagine that
because I've never went railroadin* I don't
know all about these things."
"You probably mean the Pullman. We
haven't any attached."
"Well, fcu'stin' squashes! Were is yer
cigar stand, so" a I can buy a weed an*
Ughtin'up?"
"We don't have such a thins, man."
"An* ye've no place for me ter git my
shoes shined, ter be surer*
"No, sir."
"Course I'd be crazy to think ye might
have a barber shop aboard?"
"We haven't any."
The rural gentleman subjected the con
ductor to a menacing scrutiny from head
to foot and back again. Then he drawled
out In an angry, olsappolnted tone of
voice:
"Well, sufferin* cornmeal. I thought y«
said this wux an accommodation train 1" —
Louisville Dispatch.
(Jot on the Wrong Jra.n.
THE SUNDAY CALL.
A MAN OF SENSE.
¦ ">•.. 1|-. .: ¦ - -..,., ¦ - _-- ;
TTncle Noah li©tt (-whose* wagon Is fast in the mud) —I guess I'll wait for dome poll Ucal * candy data * to com^'lony and
rive me a boost. . . - .- . . . ...
«._»_.'•»* -.¦*¦¦ ...¦-¦.¦- ' ' ¦ 5- - 1 " *«-..!.• -f"
Mistress— Mandy, I understand you hare left your husband.
Mandy— Yas'm; but he oughten ter kick — 1 done give him er week's noticn.
"That," observed the duelist, after pink
ing his adversary in a carefully bloodless