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The San Francisco call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913, June 23, 1901, Image 9

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"Did you ever hear of gambling by tele
phone?" asked a sporting man at an up-'
town hotel the other night. "The inven
tor so far as I know was a German com
edian who may be called Dick. "About
six months ago Dfck was acting in Roch
ester. He Is fond of gambling and his
favorite pastime Is faro. One night after
the show he asked a friend if there were,
any games open in. the town. The friend
declared that every game was closed us
far as he knew.' Then Dick,, turning to
one of his companions, said:
"'Jack, I feel lucky to-night and I'd
like to get a bet down some way or other.
This town is slow, and without some ox
cltement life is not worth livinp. I want
to play faro.'
" 'But what are you golng'to do?' aslced
his friend: 'All the joints are closed and
I don't know of any place where we could
Invest any. money.' ;
"Dick pondered a' moment. , Abruptly
as If struck by an idea he said:
" 'I've got it, Jack. I'm going to bet if
I have to lose a leg doins so.'
"Jack was puzzled but said nothing.
" 'Where is the telephone?' said Dick
excitedly. 'I'm going to 'phone to a New
-t_ • ¦
York house where a game 13 in session at
this very moment.'.;. \. ;
"Saying this he left the room and went
to'the 'phone. The instrument was of the
automatic kind and first dropping $1 7> in
the s!ot Dick called up aweli known
New York gambling housp. 'In a few min
utes Dick got a reply. Then. the follow
ing conversation took place: - '
*; 'Dick— Is" this Mr. Blank?'
" 'Voice — No,- It's the colored stpward.'
" "Dick— Call. Mr. Blank. Tell him- I'm
Dick — , and that I want to talk to him.'
"In a few seconds Mr. Blank came to the
'phone and Dick- continued :' : "How"d'ye
do; My. Blank? . This is Dick. ' ¦. I'm in
Rochester. Is there a game going on to
"'.Voice— Yes.* ; . ; - r f
. .".'Dick — Well as soon as you come to
the last turn let me know.'
"Dick, when : in , New York always-pnt
ronized . the game and was considered .'a
good customer and could always have a
marker for any amount. j
." 'Mr. Blank— The last turn is on.
I've told-the dealer to wait for you/ •
V" 'Dick— What is it?'
" 'Mr. Blank— The nine, the Trey, and
the six.'
' ," 'Dfck— Place $50 for me on the trey to
win; $50 on the -nine coppered; S50 on the
high card and $50. to call the turn.'
"Dick waited patiently and' In a jiffy
Mr.:. Blank *ild: 'Dick, you're a lucky
dogr. : You've won every bet and I'owe you
Sc50." .Then horans off. '.; .
"The comedian was all "smiles when lie
returned- to his friends. He told his
friends what he had done and it was hard
to make them believe what he said was
the truth. When he came to New. York
again he convinced them that he was
not joshing and treated all hands to sev
eral quart ; bottles. v ' When Dick called at
the gambling house the proprietor handed
him $350 in bills and, of course, Dick blew
ajaln. ' s .,
"Dick says that the experlencey of
pambllns by wire, is a novel one, but
thinks the scheme rather precarious. It
convinced him of one thing and that was.
that there are some : honest ramblers in
this world.- Suppose Mr. Blank had told
him' he had lost?: He had nothing: 'but
Blank's word for it and would, of course,
have had to make good. But Dick won on
the level and got all that was coming to
him."— New York Sun/ . .'
; by Lightning and Killed, and on the
same day the ; Buzzard fell; off ; the :
"fence ? with Weakness^ for he was 1
near Starving. >
'."At Jast!'* "croaked- the t Buzzard, ;
feebly, and* he Wabbled Over and
perched upon the Carcass of the Old
Horse. /"Nowlfdr a Square Meal!",
But it was so that • when' he ": made ,
to Eat 'there '.was ! Naught , There' but
a Dried Skin . and . Bone. ; . ' .
/ <l Alas!V : sighed the Poor ; Buzzard.
and '-"starved '.for Tb.is-7-
y wbich ! after all turneth / put to '• bs
naught .but a meal of Bones and Sole
Leather!"; and he. tumbled over and .
¦ Died Also. • f ; \ v - \\y t , .* '//.
-¦; ',' Moral : ' Wait not uponfDeatk for a .
/A '-Dollar a Day .dug/Up by.
ithyself i^worth'Ten' Times the I*8gr
key /of Death/ /; % '¦_ \-* '
''.., Another Moral : /Invest ; No Money
, insuring the ¦ life ; of * a ',{ Skinny *Man; •._
the',- Runt , and X the ; Crippled | Ciickeh
cutiive all others in the Tarmyard;'; '
Last Bunch : if thou ever wish . f or
• Rich Relatives, better • keep /on i and
jWishT while thou art about it that they '";
en.ce. It is an Even Break, •wherefore
do thou let It go at that.
And "Verily: Try no Stunts on a
Professional Grafter.
THE Sly Fox gave a Swell Spread
and invited the Stork to be the ,
Guest of Honor.
And the Soup was served in Dishes,
wherefore the Stork, 'having a Long .
Bill, was unable .to' Partake, but the
Sly Fox lapped his portion and had
a Lovely Time. \ V- /:/
. 'And the Stork 1 went away Very
Hungry and saying within Himself:
. "Lo! by Hercules and Gosh! but I
will/ Play Even!" for he was, very
Wroth and his Stomach Hurt Him.
Then the Stork gave a Spread and
Invited the Sly Fox.'
' -. ''And it came to Pass that when
they, were seated, behlold! the Soup -
;•' was seryed^in ; bottles.
• ."By my Pin-Feathers!"
chuckled , the •. Stork, Vixow have I
placed /the Royal Kibosh ' upon mine
- Inhospitable Friend!" and he inserted
his Long Bill .into bis bottle and'
Drank Soup.
V Now, it was ' So that ' this Fox was
. ft : Twentieth r Century Gazabe - and
'¦Dead Wise.-,'. /' : . './..¦ :'• • ' . .
. "Ah r'.y said he, Vhow ¦ Convenient !
Thou, O . Friend Stork, puttest thy
•mouth in the bottle, but lo! I go thee
'one ", better, for I "wot of a better •
Graft!? and he put the Bottle in his
- mouth— and the Stork < Faint ed.
/-..Moral: Aesop was. an amusing Guy,
\.but~of 'a Truth he -knew, not how^ to
drink from a Jug. •/;
; Second ¦ Moral : ;When thou gettest
the worst of a deal do not roar. Thine
-/adversary/is. richer by a f ex* Plunks,
but thou art also richer by. Expert-/'
. h. '• , ¦¦ ' -^ __ < ; *
, (Ccpyright. 1901, by A. J. Moore.)
The Fat ' Pig Grunted . TJncsasingly
and was Very, Brave.
And it came to Pass that as they
Journeyed through a Great Wood a
band cf Eobber Wolves, hearing tag
Pig's Grunts, came forth from the
Brambles and set upon the Travelers.
Then did the Fat Pig lift up his
Voics and Sqifeal Mightily, .
"Let us Fly!" exclaimed the Young
Wolves. "Didst ever hear such a
Terrible VoiceP" and they were sore
afraid. • .
"Go. to!" said the " Old : Wolves.
"The voice soundeth. terrible, but 'it.
is the Voice of a Pig. Come, let us
Eat Him!" • v
Then they fell upon the Shoat and
Chewed off his Ears and swallowed
his Hams' and rent his Spare Bibs,
asunder and ate up .the Poor Pig,
Body and Soul. Yea,' verily, there was
naught left of him but his squeal.
Then the Bobber Wolves departed, :
looking for more * ' •
And ' the Mouse had hidden in a
Crawfish Hole and Was Quite Site.
"I bless Providence!" quoth' he,
"that created me with a Small Body
and a Meek Voice" ; and he crawled
forth and went his way Rejoicing. , ,
Moral: The. insignificant Man often .
misses Much Trouble through being
Insignificant. . : . /
Second Joltt.A. Large Voice is not
always Scareful when" '. Backed v by
nothing but Pork.
The Theme : If you Must ¦ travel
with a Big Man, first assure yourself
that' he hath Other Qualities than
Much, Fat and a Loud Squeal* - '.'^IPM
¦ . -.
1p? BUZZAHD sat upon. the- Fenco
/L=\. waiting for nn Old Horse to
tftt Die v Now it was So that the
Old Horse had been' Sick for Many
Days and ho looked like Bad Weath
er. -Yea, h« was .bony and thin and
there was no Spring im his Old Joints.
1 /Yet would the Old Horse not Lie
Down and Quit.
, "O; Friend,'.' quoth the Buzzard
one day, "wherefore dost thou not act
decently and Pass Out? Behold j I too
am ' becoming^ Very Skinny,/! waiting
for thee to Croak!" and the Poor Buz
zard rolled his; Eyes Hungrily. "
'.'Be not a 'Fool, - Friend Buzzardj"
returned' the Old • Horse. , "Sit not
down to wait for Daath, else wilt thoa
die First! Hustle} thou' and ;Dig Up
Fresh 'Meat ; that "walketh hot' about
and Eateth Thistles." ; ; . . /
"Not so!" answered 'the Buzzard.
"I" have had , my I Eye upon thee for
lo ! these Many, Moons, 1 and ¦ of fa ver
ity I shall do no work, for by Castor
and Jing! thoui art My Meat VI
• So the; Buzzard went on, waiting—
but ', the\ Old Horse Died : Not. ' /
: j At ; last the Old Horse was Struck
A HOUSE and A Fat Pig we:it
on a long journey.
"Stick Close to Me, Little
Man!" said the Pig. "I am Large and
Fat and my Voice Soundeth Terrible.
None will dare to Tackle Me!"
So they traveled together a Lon^
Way. and saw many Strange Sights.
WHAT single person ever saw a
child misbehave that he or she
&X6. not immediately become pos-
Fess<>d of a stronc desire to ad
minister rebuke, both to the
parent and the child? Who has not seen
chMdren misbehave In public and mothers
try in vain to pacify a young disreputable,
aid who in such case* did not make or
hear remarks such a?: "If tha^were my
child I should whip it right here at the
time, and impress so indelibly on that
.child's mind that it must never do so
2 gain that there w.ould never b« a' repe
tition of such performances." etc., etc, ad
Most people have some similar comment
to make.
When occasionally some, mother, feeling
the futility of useless^ "there, darling,
fion't" etc., etc., gives a child a spanking
In public, the beholders are horrified;
shocked beyond utterance at the vulgarity
of the mother, at her utter disregard for
an audience or the public. highway for the
administering: of corporal punishment.
In fact, "coriwral punishment is a relic
of barbarism, and the mother should be
well beaten herself." . ,'*; .-*/•.
This and much more to the same effect
roes the rounds, and every .beholder,
either of the lenient mother, who tries- to
pacify her child for the benefit of the
public peace, cr she who chastises It pub
licly for the edification of the crowd,
meets with its disapproval;, for every wit
ness, either to the pacifying and concilia
tory regime or the rash and pugilistic ad
ministration, thinks he or she— usually
the latter— could give that mother cards
and spades and beat her; give* her point-
ers of Inestimable value to her In . the
training and rearing of her degenerate
offspring. ' /'.',...
The theoretical child is always un
selfish, bo thoughtful • and considerate.
The theoretical child does not care for
BTiant Etories or tales of adventure; It
though this was theorizing too: it lacks
the ring of the genuine article; that "gen- !
tleness. yet firmness," reminds her of her
visionary youth, but she listens with in
j. The Women's Congress meets.
Mamnta notices papers .are to be read
on the training of children.
- She is willing, nay, anxious to learn: her
pride is laid in. the dust; her theoretical
childrenhave died natural deaths and are
burjed 'neath flowers ]pns' since withered.
But the. practical side, the animated ac
tion, perpetual little Keely motor ma
chines, are painfully^ in evidence.
She goes to the Women's -Congress.
Here she will hear some learned and ex
perienced woman discourse on the train
ing' of children. ¦ > ;„• V,4/
Here will be given her a' compass by
which to st»cr.
She glances'at her programme.
Miss Knowitall on '.'The Training of
Children." Miss, she gasps] She listens
to the long and tedious (to her) paper on
the training, of- children.
This is of course theoretical; and all the
spinster says rolls off the mother like wa
ter off a duck's back.
She, too, once theorized the same way.
She looks at the programme again and
her face brains. "Mrs. Elizabeth "All
things—"The - Training" and Culture of
Young Children." Heie she .will -at Jteast
get the practical side of It. '. .• .
Mrs.- Allthines commences. ; '•'•. . -^
She wades through a . labyrinth of pre«
liminaries and finally gets down to bed
rock, but the expectant -mother feels as
This ought to be practical, not bogus
This woman talks as If she knew where
of she spoke; her faith in her plans is
not of the shakable kind. Kj|
By the time she finishes the children
have been taken through th© "middle
ages" to youth, and are the pride and joy
of their parents.
After the congress adjourns, the mother
of Johnny and Marguerite and the little
ones, works her way through the crowd
to* Mrs. Allthings, who looks to be on the
shady side of forty, whereas th© anxious
mother is only thirty, therefore not so ex
perienced. ' * "V;.:/.
She says, "Excuse me, but how many
children have you? I suppose that the
eldest must be grown up and a great com
fort to you?"
Mrs. Allthings blushes; several of the
delegates smile; but the anxious mother
is not to be thus easily pushed away from
tasting of the tree of knowledge, so she
repeats her question, , slightly changed;
and presses her point, and Mrs. Allthing3
"I— I— have never had any children; but
Ik know. If I had. they would have been
brought up according to my theories."
¦• And the mother of four young incorrlglj
bles goes home to meditate on her train-
Ing and wonder if her children aren't Just
the same as all others, and to tell their
papa the joke. For p.fter all. the only
ones who really know how. to train chil
dren are the women who never have any.
Mamma- feels that she* is somewhat of a
failure ; in . the "training line. '
; Papa acknowledges a like weakness.
l?ut they decide to struggle bravely on
together and do their very best.
Little Marguerite's failings are not Just
the same as Johnny's. She has some of
her own patented; she. may not be quite
so .mischievous as. her brother, but she is
fully ; as ; : wlllful. and eh'e develops an In
clination; to, be Impertinent and give cute,
pert-answersl which, although very am us-'
ing. at -first, soon -lose/ their piquajicy.
Papa and: mamma besrin to think that
they have the worst children in the. world.
No. 3 arrives! Mamma is quite worn out,'
No. 3 is a pocket edition of Johnny — only
a little more so. and when Marguerite
reaches the mature age of four years'
she'has a' little 'sister, and mamma errap
"pies faintly 'and weakly,/ at straws for
support, o .--. ./• :¦'¦' Y ..
: Each child, has the family trait of
firmness. Each has;, his' j or.' her ,*own
opinion and has the .courage of his or
her conviction to back it., |
* Mamma' and papa, after many squabbles
over.'"the: children; conclude that "they,
must-bear it as. patiently as they can,
'JftttNthejr really 'begin to appreclate^each
other • through, pity and sympathy.
' Finally Johnny has a little/sister, who,
profiting by his example, experiments
with the family trait of firmness. .-She
has straight hair, painfully straight, too;
not .curly "like Johnny's— and mamma
wonders why things' are so perverse.
Why should the boy have curls and dim
ples and thegirl be.denied them? • .,'-. /
Mamma'; tries so hard, to' teach little
Johnny to; eat like. a/ nice \ little A boy/but
he has a tendency toward trying to' prove
the Darwin theory by relapses into bar
barism. ..: ; ' f 7;,Vr';'i ¦ v < ;
He Insists on eating with his fingers,
cramming 'his; mouth and smearing "the
surplus over the outside. ¦
convinced that mamma is mistaken' in
this" instance; anil sc^ lie -goes his own
sweet little way,' trying .tfi- demonstrate
to mamma that he is. just like papa, and
meanwhile; he is proving to papa that he
is just like mamma. --.' ; w • .
. And so, baby's: training, goes on. He is
•not. such an exemplary child; as he was
before he was l»orn, and mamma owns. to
; herself that she .Is not so patient as ; she
thbughtishe was. ~ ¦ '¦: -^ - . ' / : ' "
• Baby, is surely very trying. '" : . .:
No. the theoretical children are. really
quite comforting, and whereas they may
not be so tangible for caressing and lov
ing purposes, like imaginary husbands,
they are more dutiful than ."the genuine
article has ever proven to be. : .
These theoretical .children are never
given to long crying spells; are never will
ful; never quarrelsome, and never, on.
never, mischievous, and the single woman
with her Imaginary children and her"
model husband is a being whose elusive
happiness is not wholly to be scorned.
The woman whose child is a theoretical
one finds, when it blossoms to a real one,
. that she has reckoned without her host.'
Baby comes. His advent is hailed with
delight. He early develops a mind of hl3
own, a will of his own, and shows earnest-'
ness and persistency in developing lungs
of his own.
Papa thinks that he is just mean. .
Mamma thinks he has the colic.
Papa thinks his colic days are over; that
he Is spoiled, and that it is time to com
mence letting:, him learn that the minute
he cries he is not to taken from his
cradle and walked and •' soothed. Papa,
having done most of the perambulating,
has come to the conclusion that pedestn
anism on his part is conducive toward de
- ' : ' •/• ;
¦wants, like little Eva,, to hear some one
talk of the angels and speculate; pathet
ically on the nearness of its own advent
to that throng. • :
The theoretical child is always happy
and g-ay, and has a wonderful faculty for
keeping Its' clothes clean and beautiful,
like little Ljord Fauntleroy. ¦//
The theoretical child was never guilty
of soijing, the .walls or drawing pictures
thereon to prove its budding genius. It
would confine' : its.- ; drawing, arabesques
and conventional designs, to paper, and
not use them for interior decoration ; of
a rented house, so that the janitor would"
complain to the iandlbrd and the family
receive notice to please vacate the flat. -
generacy on the part of the child,' and so
states his ' decision in emphatic terms.
Mamma is indignant. -
She calls- the baby's papa cruel and
selfish. She heroically walks the baby
herself; she calls It pet names; she loo.ks
contemptuously at papa.
Baby's sobs grow less and less thrilling;
mamma soothes him finally to peaceful
slumbers; she looks triumphantly at papa
and, lays the baby down gently* in the.
cradle. ¦ : *.. ¦>_ /^^
-She-is very- careful. Tbut . thefslTghtest
.'...'-. '. ¦/ i ¦ ¦¦". ¦ , ¦.,..':'¦ }.:: _/-,-. .-.,
/•move from the' regular. 'motion'" to which
cbaby has ST° wn jars up 6n his
( . sensibilities ; • he parts 1 his : li p3 , strikes the
f keynote, . puts his fpot on the loud pedal
¦ / and resumes business at the old stand. -
The evening's entertainment is on In full
¦ -blast. 1 Papa is at first tickled—human;na
ture— finally; in pity -he offers to relieve
I mamma', which offer is 'readily accepted/.''
;\; Mamma's j indignation ' has disappeared.
: I She is cuite docile ; she v passes the ! young
. hqpeful over to papa and goes to bed, aft
er giving orders for the night's proceed
• Jngs.-;.- ' ' ' ¦' ¦¦_/¦ > j > i •,..:'
,::> Papa starts out in undress 'parade; he
..coos to baby; he calls it papa's dear, and
mamma sinks to peaceful slumber. '
;::* The procession still moves. 1 Several
times papa tries baby in: t]He cradle and
.each time baby shows resentment. . Final
ly he is slapped into the cradle. Papa has
| reached that stage' when j he thinks th-it
'patience has ceased to be.avlrtae. Baby
howls; papa glares at Mm and; says things
I'unflt for publication." Mamma upbraids
papa, who gets tobed. and baby, after a
long crying spell, unnoticed by either pa
rent, falls sobbing ' tcrsleep. •'.. ' '*
.. This entertainment occurs at Intervals;
¦. '6ometlm.es baby Is rocked ' to, peaceful
slumbers and papa .and mamma' get to
.bed between 12 and 1. but 'always the
doubt arises, as to whether baby 'really
has colic or Is simply spoiled, and as there
is no positive way of proving it baby has
what might be called the "inside track."
and from infancy on proceeds to break
one after another of mamma's theories. '
.If mamma can be firm, so can baby. He •
can go her one .better, and^be stubborn.
¦Who ever saw' a married couple that
, each did not think" the other stubborn, or
et least contrary?: Wife i and husba"nd"al-.
ways think the fault lies, on tho opposite
I side of the fence. Baby,' apparently try-'
/ ing not to be in any way partial, evldent
; ly thinks they are. both very firm./there
fore it must be an admirable and family;
; trait which he has inherited and is justly
I .entitled to.;/ ' . ' ¦¦• -»•.<,• ,¦;¦,,
• ¦.; . Baby Cses.it on everj-'and all occasions. !
:. : If mamma is"; firm in/her /assertion / that :
handle^books/ toilet articles, etc!, baby \\s I
,.;¦ :¦•;: . ¦;- : ;-:.THE|^^Ay; ; ;;CALIi.; ;

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