The San Francisco call. [volume], December 06, 1903, Image 13

About The San Francisco call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913

Image provided by: University of California, Riverside; Riverside, CA

                
By
Eilly
Burgundy
"They Dined
That
Evening
and When
Barrington
Took an
Inventory
of Els Wad
He round
H2 Was
Ten Bones
Strong
Naturally this put quite a crimp in Barrington's business and set him
behind with the landlord and the crocer. Fact is, it put him on his uppers,
for he had no working capital.
When the votes were counted and it was found that the reform ticket
came in second, word was passed down the line to £0 ahead, and business
at once picked. up with Barrington. -¦'. .
The first case in which he was retained was that of one Musrer Mulligan,
alias Squint-Eye the Brute. Muggsy was pinched on the charge of having
removed from the Person of'another one sparkler and three steel engravings
done by Uncle Sam, having a face value of one hundred dollars each. *
Not less than seven persons whose veracity could not be questioned had
seen Muggsy turn the trick, and it looked like a cinch that he would have
to do a bit
Now it came to pass that a municipal election had to be pulled off, »o
the pkin clothes men passed out the tip to the grafters to ease up a bit until
the votes were cast.
Despite the fact that Barrington had been. busy before the bar for some
fifty-odd years.- he had not been able to run up a stack of blues, for the rea
ioa that whenever his clients were caught with the goods they were relieved
of them before Barrington arrived. Then, too, Barrington's wife was an
avvi'ul spender, and always went through his clothes in the morning befort
waking him up.
Earrington stood ace high with porch-climbers and all-around .crooks,
r.::d enjoyed the distinction of having saved more men from rock pile and
striped apparel than the clcrgv. . I >
Once upon a time there was a foxy old geezer of the name of Barring
ton Blackstone Bellows.
Barrington was a criminal lawyer, and a wonder in his line. He was on
to all the fine points of his business, had the penal code down pat and was
pitted with a line of talk that was always good for an acquittal on the first
ballot.
Such little things as the evidence and the Judge's charge amounted to
notl.ing to a jury that had heard Barrington tell his side of the storv.
Whenever he stood up in front of the box, looked appealingly into th«
t.ves oi the twelve men good and true, shed a quart of tears and pointed hi»
trwnbiing finger at the grief-stricken wife of the accused, the jury was with
him to a man. and that was about all there was to it.
When Barrington was called in he guaranteed to save Mucks v the trou
ble of doing time for the sum of three hundred dollars. Barnnsrton hap
pened to need just about that amount of money, but for some reason or
other did not seem desirous of possessing a diamond.
When the case came up for trial the eye-witnesses told exactly how the
Job was done, and then Barrintrton got busy.
It took him just two hours to convince the jury that his client was inno
eent, and as usual there was an acquittal the first dash out of the box.
. After thanking the iurv and receiving the congratulations of his friends
Muggsy paid'Barrington three one hundred dollar bills for his services.
When Barrington returned to his office he shut himself up in the consul
tation room and heaved a sieh of relief. He was out of the hole, and his
heart was glad. He footed iio his outstanding tabs and found that thev came
to. two hundred and sixtv simoleons flat He was strong enouzh to take
them up and still be forty to the good.
.Contentment settled do\yn upon his . pallid dome, and he felt that ioy
which comes to a man when he breaks even on the consolation iackoot
He I fingered, his roll with a satisfied unction and pictured the obsequious
delight with which his tab-holders would write "received payment" over
their autograph before the sun could set
It was at this moment that a knock came at the door and a delicate
fragrance began to elbow itself through the clouds of smoke that sprunsr
from his Colorado Madura. BIS
* In response to Barrinjrton's "Come in," a swaggerly attired damsel with
downcast eyes: and openwork, stockings entered. After much swishinsr of
skirts ahd^ebquettish display of lingerie, she announced that she was suo
portirig a widowed mother and ah invalid brother by selling "The History of
OurNew Possessions." a maenificent work in fifty volumes, full morocco
binding, a^ $250. Terms, cash with order.
: Barrington cared nothing whatever for history, and a derned sight less
for our : new possessions. But when the dainty little creature gave him one
of her most lingering looks and said that she would accept his invitation
to/dinnerif hewould oromise upon his word not to keep her out too late,
he . changed his mind and gave his order.
. They .dined that . evening, and when Barrington took an inventory oi
his wad hefound that. he was ten bone,s strong.- *
Moral: The sight of skirts can make any man forget his debts.
Copyright, 1903, by Steve Floyd, N. Y.
TALE OF THE MAN WHO GOT OUT OF A HOLE AND FELL BACK AGAIN
"Mrs. Ame
lia's Ambi
tion Was to
Boa Back
Somersault
From th.6
Top Bound
of the
Social
Ladder."
By
Nicholas
Nemo
where all that a woman who wanted to give the social mill a twist or two
had to do was to throw a shawl over her head and i drop into a few back
doors to break the news. Now back doors are ; scarce in the metropolis
and Mrs. Amelia was soon up against ithe fact '. that , the :. unfortunate indi
vidual who attempted to butt in without having been : properly accredited to
the powers that are most of the time would get a reception '- that would
make a refrigerator look like a kitchen range in full blast.
As a result of this slight oversight on her part, Mrs. Amelia's first ef
fort was attended by pretty much everything except the guests that she
most wanted and success. Her experience in this round taught her that she
was away behind in the latest methods of getting her name at the top of
the column of society notes. Being not devoid of guile, and realizing that
neither Rome nor Newport was built in a day she determined to put her
self in training for the next event. The retired society leader whom she
called in to coach her on the latest rules for infighting and. breaking 'away
among the "best people*' told her that thesine qua non was to eet hersslf
talked about. As an opening? lead she suegefted a divorce suit When Mrs:
Upandatit broached the subject to Mr. U. she was surprised to find that he
had conscientious scruples tucked a\?iy in some' out-of-the-wav corner of
his soul, a^id besides he was too busy to be bothered with trifles just then.
The cruelty of modern husbands is b»vonH be'ief.
When she failed to move her incumbrance to a sense of his Christian
duty in the case. Mrs. Upandatit fe t for ?. few days that her name was
really Upagainstit. More than ever she realized that eternal climbing: is the
price of getting one's name in the list of those present. But her trainer
bade her be of good cheer, the experience of said trainer having tausjht her
that a fight is never over till the count is finished. As a substitute for a
divorce suit she advised Mrs. Upandatit to try a Newport cottage and a
steam yacht; to be sure there is nothing particularly original in either of
these methods of treating but they are standard remedies that are
guaranteed to cure all but the most stubborn cases, and Mrs. Amelia found
that they would do all that was recommended for them. •
For a long time she congratulated herself that she had the. upper crust
rolled out thin with her initials stamped on it in big letters. Even a com
mon, ordinary cottlHonfest was good for a column any day. in the week, and
her masked ball a la simian kept the society reporters; busy for at least three
days. Her rivals were on the keen iump to stay iri sight of her. but most
of them had to wear thick-veijs to keen her dust out of -, their eyes at that,
Mi» uniiMi^ RS. AMELIA I. UPANDATIT was a woman with -an am-'
r /— V— 3^, bition. Being a woman, th2t is equivalent to saying that
ffr7/. /^f*r&k E ' lc was * ntcnt on doing one of two things — to cast a vote
I •y&Jft\fl a or to climb the social ladder and do a back somersault on
/ $^HhA a l * ie t0£> roun d- rs - Amelia's most heartfelt desire was
]>**¦ "-jQJ^ to do the social stunt. There wasn't room for the idea ot
iTj voting to enter her head. As far as she was concerned
the glorious cause of universal franchise might have been carted out into the
broad Atlantic and dropped overboard in the deepest place.
It wasn't long, however, before Mrs. Upandatit began to give a high-class
imitation of Mr. Alexander, late of Macedon, in his renowned act of sighing
:cr more worlds over which to cast the protecting mantle of benevolent
assimilation. As a result of this sighing habit of Mrs. Amelia's, her negli
gible fraction had it borne in upon his cerebral upholstery that it had arrived
to him, as our French friends would say, to get out and hustle in a field
that would give the speaking member of the firm a little more elbow room.
She was aweary of the dreary social round of Lonesomevillc, and besides
there were a few people there who were of the opinion that she was some
what short of being the whole show for the reason that her great grandfather
hadn't been obliging enough to get himself turned into an imitation of a
sieve in some of the battles wherein our forefathers demonstrated their abil
ity to do their own tax dodging. Another objection that these absurd people
made to Mrs. Upandatit was that the had never been inoculated with the
Boston brand of culturine virus. Therefore, stid Mrs. Amelia, it is our
move.
Being a man and for that reason a model of prompt and unquestionable
obedience, her husband cast his eyes cautiously around the horizon in
search of some bourne where grandfathers don't count and culture is un
known; some place where diplomas cease from troubling and ancestors
axe at rest The locality that seemed to him to about fill the bill was a
certain village that lies between the Hudson River and Long Island Sound,
where the boundaries of the United States Steel Corporation- and the Ship
building Trust intersect. Mr. Upandatit had a few trusts concealed about his
person and he was of the opinion that if he could get past theg corner of
Wall and Broad streets without being held up he could make good on a lit
t'e scheme or two of his own. j, .a, ]¦¦ ¦'¦'.)¦
Thus it came about that in the course of time the Upanditits were
duly installed in the island that is situated as aforesaid and Mrs. Upandatit
was launched upon her career of social illumination. Her ideas of the
proper way to pull off a society function were of the Lonesomeville variety,
and Mr. Upandatit was working night and day to keep the visible supply of
dust up to the legal requirement. When the Count von Wurzberger spent
two weeks in America collecting extensive material for' his new book on
'"Things That Never Happen in der Vereinigten Stadten," Mrs. Upandatit
got together a swell handout for him that he sincerely assured her was fully
equal to the best free lunch in the old country. When the other society
heavyweights heard of the Count's warm praise they turned so green with
envy that the whole town looked like a St Patrick's day parade on its
native sort. . I'',- . ....
The casual observer might conclude from these few indications that
Mrs." Upandatit was justified in thinking that she had at last arrived with
both feet and room to spare, but the evidence was not all in yet In the
course of her excursions into the best families of the island that brilliant
luminary was frequently stumbling over names that didn't seem to figure
largely on her visiting list. When she conferred with her trainer that person
age informed her that they were the descendants of the first settlers, who
were of the opinion that they had been set apart in the original arrange
ment cf the universe, and were henceforth and forever more to remain
quiet and ruminate on their exalted and unassailable position. She also in
formed Mrs Upandatit that they were neither rich nor prominent in so
ciety but that an invitation to Sunday night tea in their back parlor was
more' to be desired than a full column on the front page of the Daily
Whirled ora place in the front rank of the Vanderbilk's german.
. This kind of talk was calculated to make Mrs. Upandatit go down into
her brown study, which she kept swept and aired for just such occasions,
but for the first time in her life she failed to dig up the right kind of a plan
for the conquest of the new field. She had thought that she stood on the
top round of the ladder: she discovered that her ladder was only a fire es
cape and that the real thine wasn't even on her side of the block. The rest
of the story is very brief, but extremely pathetic. Mrs. Upandatit hap
pened to run against one of these samples of the real article at a meeting
of the woman's committee for the provision of sexing machines lor the
Cannibal Islanders. Mrs. Realthing had never heard Mrs. Upandatit s name
before zrtd got it wrong four times in five minutes. That was enough lor
Mrs Upandatit: she returned home and gently but firmly died that rncrht of
mortification of the egomaniac nerve, complicated by ingrown ambitioa
Her sad fate teaches us the useful lesson that the atmosphere in high
altifudes is extremely rar.fied. and that the reason that there is so much
room at the top is that there are so few people there, and the ones who have
arrived put in most of their time holding down their places.
(Copyright. 1903. by Albert Brttt.)
COLLAPSE OF
A CLIMBER
:,•'¦•.;-¦ • •
Some people blame fate because opportunity does not walk around with
a telephone and a megaphone attachment
Standing on ceremony is sometimes like standing on a headless barrel.
You risk an unceremonious tumble.
,.^m ,..; ¦ •'. ¦ ¦ *^£
Make the best of life and life w-ill do its best for you. *
¦¦.. ?("-¦• "¦¦ • ~j
When women begin to know one another too well they cease to know
one another at alL
• * - <J • %', :
A nan who thinks he can win a lawsuit against a pretty woman is not
even in the kindergarten class of human nature.
. * * w
If you let a woman alone she will give even herself away.'
Fortune-tellers sre purveyors of great expectations.
A man never thinks any man Rood enough for his daughter, but the
mother will accept any old weather-beaten proposition who flatters her and
FVop'e who are rated lucky generally have sense enough to work for it
i;> the beginning and to hold on in the end.
, ' , . . . t * * . . .. .
A man. like a salad dressing, is never good when too oily. A woman,
' ;i -/> a salad dressing, is never good when too tart.
Discretion is the better part of saying the right thing at the right time.
Some people go through life as if walking in sleep.
The ladies are having a dog show in New York and the are win-
Mr. Bill Devery of New York says that the "men who wear silk stock
ings have corns on their morals." The Kitty takes a back seat
.7 ¦¦ ." ¦ . • r (2 • ' : -. ; •
When a man takes a fatal dose of matrimony it is not always with sui
cidal intent. . -. V?
/••-.:.••: •
Some men Sc young, some get married and some run for office. *
* *,'-¦ >: • '\
Politeness is the art of being agreeable to disagreeable people.
* * * '-;'•--'•'•, --'-J. ::
Nrw York politicians thought they had wiped the smile from the face of
the Tirnnuny tiger and chewed off his tail. But Tige'«is doing business
at the same old stand with the same old smilr.
• • •
If the old-tixae 'lije't chariot had been seized for debt' he would not
hav« got to heaven 00 schedule time. ". •
• ? •
T^|^==^trj£3 T i$ useless to advertise for lost confidence.
' V^llv^.^ I* * cirl really jumped at a proposal wouldn't that be
•^r^r-«r?U^- • *" lv thine to do?
* ¦'¦i^t^. -^ ! Dow-ie proved that Chicago is $t:ll a thousand milci
A bride always looks so smiling, while a groom looks like the star per
former of his own hanging bee. I
A woman is always proud of her age before she is 20 and after she is to.
• • ?
I always sympathize with the dog which has to take care of the woman
Dowie should go out of the prophet business. He prophesied that he
would spank 550,000,000 out of New York, but New York had too much
sense lor that. Poor 'Lije! his whiskers were the only thing great about
When a man advertises for a wife the woman generally pays dear for the
"ad."
ME-OWS
THE S UNDAY* CAJLlu
OF A KITTY
A woman never thinks any girl good enough for her son and will not
leave a girl a •bred of reputation who makes goo-goo eyes at mamma's dar
ling.
• • •
A maa with no conscience always finds it dead easy. *
Some peoplt are so anxious to take all they can get that they even get
religion.
• • •
The financier is the fellow who wants to gather in all the finance here.
The broker is the fellow who .takes good care that the other fellow is
broke-r.
The real estate man makes sure that he acquires the real estate.
• • »
Never tell a woman that you like to hear her talk unless your life is
heavily insured. Accidents may happen.
»• • ,: • /
People seldom reform until they are too poor to do anything elsa.
• • • ..
•People who are always lamenting the passage of the M ff6od old times"
would use some very bad language if they still had to lumber alons in an
old stage coach.
• * -¦'**¦
People who tre always laudine the "good old times" swear if the tele
phone won't work. •
¦¦ : >. ?- \*; ->¦¦-!
People who are always regretting the "good old times'* are thrown into
a panic if the telegraph wires are down.
People .who are -always condemning modern lassitude feel like killing
the fellow who tells them that "the elevator ain't running."
: ' ' -j.-. * • •
Men who are always sneering at those who fail to take exercise bubble
over with "cuss" words if they run up against a street car blockade.
« * •
Men who rail at the danger of a football game are the first to be crazy
over the reports.
:.,'.*.¦- •¦¦¦ * ?
People who criticize most unsparingly the modern drama are always on
time when the box office opens. They only want to see how dreadful it
Women who are so dreadfully shocked at the latest society scandal
sprain their ankles rushing the news stand for the latest.
- * * *
One swallow does not make a cocktail or a highball.
;:- • .-_ ¦ ...» --' * * ¦>'¦
Circus lemonade is downright unfeeling when one has a thirst a yard
wide and warranted not to shrink.
Birds of a feather! But, gracious, that makes me sick. Think of a bird
with only a feather! It's almost indecent: the horrid thing.
v.-.- »'-'¦ V- •_V> •» ¦ ."• * ¦¦*.
A stitch in time! The possibilities and probabilities — too awful to con
sider.
Never kick a man when he's down. We're all human and temptations
are great.
Those who would climb life's ladder rnust begin at the bottom, unless
they are light enough to go up on the business end of a kite.
Some people think themselves so dose to the angels that they shave
their shoulder blades to keep the wings from sprouting.
-:.,* • •
A callow youth with a little fuzz on his lip thinks himself a full-grown
man.
• * * *
Live and let live, but rake in the shekels and give away libraries or any
Maudlin sentiment is often mistaken for zeal in the service of the Lord.
% Your best friends are often your worst enemies.
FABLE OF
THE FOOLISH
In ; Besponsa ! to Harrington's "Come In," a Swaggerishly Attired Damsel
1 f-^Wittx DoVncaJt Byei'and Open-Work' Stockings Entered.
13