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/">fOMETIMES a fellow long di
\^>k vorced from his regular occupa- V~" 1 tion shows reluctance to buckle down to humdrum toil when it is thrust upon him. That was my fix at Portland, at the windup of a dusty promenade across Idaho and Oregon In a pair of canvas baseball shces. The gay and debonair life of the desert wilds, fneedom from con- Tentlon ajid sleeping in the open air unfitted me for the irksome confines of civilization. At last I had become a genuine thirty-third degree hobo, but didn't exa* tly know what ailed me. That was the reason, perhaps, th« four walls of the Portland Stove •THE HEATHEN CHINEE LOANED ME HIS OVERALLS "WHILE I WASHED MINE." Fables for the Foolish yr EMOKY is a useful article— I \X I f * people who want a sieve. V If I There never was a man yet JL who couldn't tell you by the hour v.hat great acts he had accom plished—a year ago. At the time he was probably luartily and justly ashamed of in- in. but on thinking them over he has come to the con clusion that he did or said or thought just the right thing. And the joke of the whole business is that what he re members s>< distinctly probably never happened at all. For example, a man has mad* T^niself obnoxious on the ■treett ar by spreading his feet all over the floor to the imminent deadly dan fTr of the other passengers. Some one objects and^jLhere is a small-sized rum pus. When the man tells about it af CHIMMIE FADDEN - CERTAIN GRAVE SECRETS OF DIPLOMACY ARE REVEALED I SEE dat Commissioner McAdoo hav ing shook up de police captains de President he gets busy, too, and he is shaking up de Ambassadors. Bay, do you know what kind of a graft dose Ambassadors has? I didn't till J5em<& H<9Lrd IsiickTIfues ao.d Doings of cixl -Aiii€it etrr Hoio Fcundry loomed up like a prison house. In vain did I struggle against the desire to jump my job — the first one of its kind since leaving Leadville nearly six months before. And I need ed the money, too. The canvas shoes had blown up and sprung leaks In various places below the waterline, and my overalls stood in need of re pairs and laundry attentions. The rest of my toilet consisted of a short coat, cotton shirt with collar attached, necktie and hat. All through my rambles I stuck to the tie — last rem nant of respectability — or. rather, the tie- stuck to me. The knot was jam- tt-rward he always describes the retort which he administered to the objectors as particularly crushing, when as a matter of fact he crawled down behind his newspaper, squeezed himself into half a seat, tucked his feet under him and never said a word. The young lady who was doomed to be Mrs. Stubbs mused on his heroic tales of hairbreadth 'scapes by flood and field and finally came to the con clusion that here was just the strong arm for which she had long been look ing. With it to protect her no danger could come nigh her and she could defy the butcher and the plumber and fire the cook with impunity. That shows how foolish she was. Any woman who thinks that she can fire a cook with anything even remotely Dat time me and Duchess took Mr. Paul and Miss Fannie on deir wedding joiney to Paris. Say, it's great. LiEten: One day Mr. Paul, being a fren of de A v mbassador, he goes around to say howdy to him, and me having tome errands he was to give me to do, I goes wit him. I meets an old New York boy dere what was messenger for de Ambass. and he says would I like to make a slide into de room back of where Mr. Paul was and see what de game was like. '"Sure," I says, always being .willing to loin a new trick in any old trade. "Sure," I says. So he chases me into a room where de door was open, and I could hear de t Ambass doing his tom; and I took a peek now and den to see de mugs what was' dere on business or for deir healt. Well, well, it was as good as a play on top of de stage. "Hello, Paul." says de Ambass. "How's tings at de dear old club?" "Slow," says Mr. Paul. "Slow wit out you to tell us a new story once in a while." "Say," says the Ambass, "I've got a v new one I hears at Henry's de odder day. Why is a Excuse me a min ute; heare's a lady who made an ap pointment by cable from London, and I'H see her. Sit righ* where you are." I peeks and sees a dame glide into de room, and she was a swell rag: for fair. "Your Excellency," says she, as soon as she caught up wit her breat, "dis is so kind of you for to grant me de interview at once, but de occasion is most important, or I wouldn't bod der you," she says! "Dosjt mention it, my dear madam,'.' says Ambass, and looks like he knowed what was coming next. L couldn't have guessed in a tousand years. "Me dear General — your Excellency, I mean — Pido has de gout In his fore right paw, and I want you for to rec ommend de best dog doctor in all France for to come right away to de Hotel Continental for to treat him." On and Off the Bread Wagon Being Hard Luck Tales and Doings of an Amateur Hobo mcd and I couldn't undo it, let alone lesing: the tie. Thus I looked nice in spite of myself. My molding tools had gone, the Lord knows where; yet the Portland Stove Company grabbed at me when conscience impelled me to ask for work. The job was the making of lids for cook stoves. In size, weight, color and shape those cast-iron lids suggested the bread 1 had baked for myself in the desert; and that re minder helped to render me restless and homesick. At the end of two days the longing to be free tore me away from the foundry, and I once more took the road. I beat a river boat to Kalama, from which point, it was said, the wheat trains to Tacoma, Wash., were downy beds of ease for wander ing tourists. The man who piloted me against the wheat train had not consulted the latest guide book, for the grain was sacked and loaded on flat cars; no chance there for the stowaway. I al lowed three trains to depart, and then took a desperate chance, piling into the caboose of the fourth and taking a seat on the tool box. There was no one in the caboose but the rear brakeman and the conductor. The latter paid no heed to me until the brakeman went for ward; then the conductor, a young man with big, solemn eyes, looked me over and said: "Ticket, please." "Haven't any," I replied. "Where are you going?" "Tacoma." "The fare is $4." "I'm broke." The conductor seemed prepared for the worst. Without word or gesture he turned away, and sat in an arm chair at the side door of the caboose, hanging his heels to a crossbar higher than his head. He sat there at least an hour, looking out into the woods, while the train rumbled and jerked. I huddled on the tool box, shaken with nameless fear. Never had I met up with that kind of conductor in all my hobo career. Would he rise In slow frenzy and slam me out the open door or merely crack me on the coco with an ax? were the agonizing questions I asked myself. Much of the time I did not breathe, and clammy moisture stood on my youthful brow. Not once did I take my eyes off the conductor. At length the train halted at a small Station where a creosote works was in operation. Pine timbers for wharf building were treated with creosote, in vacuum vats, to offset the ravages of the teredo, or salt water worm. The conductor went out, leaving me on the tool box. When the train started the solemn-eyed railroader »esumed his chair and motioned me to one near him. "I once knew an old fisherman at Ta coma," said the conductor. "He had a wooden leg made of pine. It was his habit to stand for hours in the water washing his nets. One Sunday, on the way to church, the aged fisherman col lapsed and fell on the street. The water worms had bored into the wooden leg resembling impunity tinder any imag inable circumstances almost deserves the fate to which she is rushing head long. Finally the deal was made and Mrs. Stubbs settled down to play the quiet band of matrimony. Stubbs still con tinued to tell her of his heroic exploits, although there was here and there a noticeable absence of circumstances and detail that should have warned Mrs. S. But she, poor, foolish soul, looked and worshiped, and worshiped the more the longer she looked. How she pitied the other women who wers, compelled to satisfy their starved hearts with imitation men who never talked back when the elevator boy told them to step lively or rebuked the floorwalker for his haughty indiffer ence. Night after night they were "Delighted, madam," says Ambass. "Alphonse," he says to to. cloik, "write down de address of de dog doctor of de Duke of Umterara." Well, de lady takes de address, tanks de Ambass, and floats out. "Paul," says his Excellency, "dis Is de best you ever heard. I was passing Henry's de odder day and I hears it. Say, it'll knock you siiiy when I pass it on to you. But wait ft minute, here is de card of de president of de Balti more, Salt Lake and Harlem. He's wort a billion, and subscribes liberally — under pressure — to de campaign funs, so I must see him. Show de gent in, Alphonse." I rubbers, and sees a mug who looks like ready bank notes, and he was mad for fair. "General — Mr. Ambassador, I mean — I know you are a busy man, but dis is a matter dat won't wait; not if dere is a navy and army in de United States to take it up. A cabby charged me two francs ninety-five sous for a ride from de Hotel Grand to de Place de la Con corde. I'd walked it if he'd been honest enough to tell me it was so short a distance, but he overcharged me in de bargain. I want de French Government to be told by you dat dey has twenty-fouf hours to 'pologize and retoin de overcharge wit interest or prepare to go to war." "Sir," says Ambass, "dis is serious, indeed. Did de cabby wear a white hat or a yellow one?" "A white one," says ,de mug. "Ah!" says Ambass. "Ah, dat is fortunate. We have a way of collect ing overcharge from de white hats witout going to war. If it had been a yellow hat I'd ordered Mr. Root to have de army shipped in a minute. All you have to do is to file a com plaint witlcjM Bireau of Traffic and Tunnels, make an affidavit to- de Min ister of de Forn Invasions, petition de Court of Oryer and Terminer, for de Department of Upper Seine on de Marne, deposit possible costs — a mat ter of a few tousand — wit de Cus todian of de Roll and den come to me. THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY CALL. Charles Dryden and honeycombed it. When he fell the splintered wood stuck out through his pants, and large numbers of people fainted at the sight. As the old fisher man was very poor, his pals and the sawmill hands at Tacoma gave a bene fit dance and got him a creosoted leg. It was built at the works we just passed." Affer purging his system of this re markable narrative the conductor once more lapsed into gloomy contemplation of the pine woods. Whether the story were true or the creosote works in spired it I do not know. And I was puzzled about my part— whether to laugh or to view the creosote leg as a profound scientific achievement. A giggle escaped me, and the conductor smiled. He had tried his story on the dog, and It was a success. Lucky laugh; also lucky dog. The conductor put the pump on me, and I told him stories about my trou bles and travels, after which he related some. Nothing more was said about railroad fare and tickets. We were chums, all right. It was after 6 o'clock in the evening when the train reached the outskirts of Tacoma, which town was so new it creaked. The foundry had closed for the day, but the conductor knew where the boss lived. He pointed out the house from the hurricane deck of the caboose, and slowed down the speed of the Mrain so that I could get off and save the long walk back from the depot. After all, there is much in knowing when to laugh at the right time, but alas! my tact availed me nit. The Tacoma foundry didn't need expert help, so next day I turned my prow to the sea. A big wooden ship, the Martha Rideout of Boston, was loading lum ber for San Francisco. I found her captain and another salt-water skipper playing 1 pool on a waterlogged table in a saloon. While the master mariners banged the balls I hung in the background until my skipper beat the other fellow and hoisted in some free drinks amid great laughter. Deeming the moment propitious, I butted in and asked the pool sharp to let me work my passage to 'Frisco on his ship. Talk about diplomacy and smooth work! Such was the skip per's good humor he placed his hand on my shoulder and said: "Why, certainly, young fellow; go right aboard." I went right aboard and helped stow soggy lumber in the hold, which job lasted thirteen days, working from daylight to dark. Then we towed up Mr. Puget's Sound, sailed out through the .straits and headed for the golden shores of California. Four days and nights I lay in the same locker, the sickest hobo that ever plowed, harrowed and sowed the raging main. On the morning of the fifth day the Chinese cook slid back the door of the locker and tossed in a chunk of cold raisin duff the size of a cabbage. The lump rolled down under ray nose, and I struggled feeb forced to creep home to the wives of their bosoms and confess in faltering accents that they had been trampled on and abused and forced to take a back seat generally, while Stubbs, im perious Stubbs, went on his conquer ing way exacting tribute from all and several for his overmastering powers of body and mind. If Stubbs could have kept his wife at home all the rest of her life and com pelled her to take his word for every thing that happened to him he might have kept up the bluff without any trouble, barring the liability of some kind friend to butt in and give him away. Something like that happened to Stubbs. He thought himself secure In the recesses of his office, where only the typewriter's copy and the office boy's cigarettes were vil^ but one day there came the «»wish of silken skirts, Dats all. I'll recommend you a law yer who will let you off for half you have. It won't take you more dan a year. Den come to me." "Can't you fight wit France witout all dat preliminary sparring?" says de mug. "It wouldn't be polite," says Ambass. "We'll fight if we must, but we'll be polite if we bust." "I taut we had a government dat pro tected de sacred rights of its citizens," says de felly, getting red in his whis kers, and he chases. "De story, Paul," says Ambass, like he'd had an every-day job. "De story will knock your eye oift You see, de Count— was it de Count story I was telling?— de Count had a brodder-in law who was by way of being a bal loonist and — Here we go again. Dis one will be easy. Excuse me a minute." De usher fetches in a dippy looking chap wit red eyes, and very long fin gers, out of which he was trying to pick tacks, from de looks of what he was doing to 'em. "Mr. Ambassador," he says, like de actor on de stage who always has shiver music to speak wit, "it's all right." "Good!" says Ambass, like his long line of stocks had jumped ten points. "Good!" "Dere is a secret alliance between England and Germany in de Interest of de Mutterbund; de Czar is dead and de Grand Dukes has put a stuffed scare crow on de trone td fool de people; Italy is to de bad, but Bohemia— Hist! Bohemia refuses to consent, and war will follow unless peace is preserved." "I shall communicate wit President Roosevelt at once and he will appre ciate your services." "Tanks," says Dippy. "In de mean time, me dear Mr. Ambassador, If you could advance me one franc sixty from the Secret Funs — " "Don't mention it," says Ambass, passing out Dippy a piece dat looks like a quarter. "Well, Paul," Bays Ambass, when Dippy had faded aw;ay, "de story Is ly with the dawn of a newer and brighter life. Desire to live grew with the absorption of the duff, and in a little while the whole mass dis appeared. In a day or v so I felt like «a new hobo. The cook made up a bed for me in his chest in the galley, and when the ship neared 'Frisco that heathen Chinee loaned me a pair of his overalls while I washed mine, so as to make a flash at San Francisco. With $1 20 in my clean overalls' pock et — a purse contributed by the sailors — I passed in at the Golden Gate, which so many find hinged on mud. That was the way it swung for me. The ship dis charged all hands save the captain, mate and cook, and I went ashore with the rest. In a short time I became de monetized, and there was no work in sight. Night after night I went back to the Martha Rideout and sneaked into her forecastle via the bows of an other boat lying alongside. The Chi nese cook alone knew of my presenda. He kept the secret from the captain, permitted me to sleep in the forecastle and had always a little wooden tub of food hiddfn in the bunk I occupied. That Chinaman was the only friend I had in California, and when the ship cleared for more lumber she left me bankrupt and starving. Dear old Sing Wah! I never expect to have another pal like him. When Sing sailed away I wept, but wouldn't like my old friend, Denis Kearney, of sand lot fame, to know about it. In later years Denis and I got quite chum my and wrote for the same paper In and Mrs. Stubbs swooped down on him. It was only a casual call, and all might have gone well had not the head of the firm bethought him of a bad break that Stubbs had made the day before and dropped in to tell him about it. His language was pointed and no more ele gant than the presence of a lady de manded, and when he got through with Stubbs that gentleman looked like a last year's apple in a dark corner of the deserted bin whence all but him fled. Mrs. Stubbs held her breath, waiting for the storm to break, and was on the 11 point of beseeching Stubbs to spare the old man for the sake of his gray hairs and dependent family. She waited long, but the storm failed to appear accord ing to schedule. Instead Stubbs got red and pink and white and blue and several other assorted colors, and about a chap what was fishing for goujon at de restaurant of de Miracu lous Fishing — nice place to take your breakfast, by de way." "Hold on," chips in Mr. Paul. "Do you have many like dat last caller?" "Oh, he's easy. He only gets a franc a call and is harmless. But dis story. You see, de lady was crossing de Rue de la Paix, in front of de Eng lish tea shop, when all of a sudden — hold on a minute, here's de usual ting, from de looks of dis card," and anodder mug— a fly looking felly — comes like a flatiron breeze. "Me dear Mr. Ambassador, I don't know wedder you remember me. You dined at me fadder's home in Chicago — Michigan avenue, you know, and dat sort of ting. Dad told me to be sure and call to pay me respects to you and say he'd have a solid dele gation from our State for you in de next national convention," rattles off de fly one. "So kind," lisps Ambass. But say, he had his icy eye on guard. "And you can do me a little service," says de fly bay. "I'm not known at de bank, so me letter of credit — for a trifle of ten thousand — Is no good yet. If you could let me have five hundred francs until I get me letter vvoiking fadder wil be pleased." "Alphonse," says Ambass, quiet like, "call de police!" But de fly boy beat Alphonse to de door. "Dis story, Paul." says Ambass, lighting a cigarette, "Is about a man who played de bass fiddle in de old Nib lo's Garden on Broadway— bless it! — and he was bow-legged, so when he stood vp — Excuse me one minute. Show de lady in." Well who should come In but a real ting swell dat knew Mr. Paul and de Ambass, and dat I'd seen at ou^ house many's de time. She give de glad hand all around, and dey had a gaily-gaily chat for a minute, and den when she stopped talking, Ambass, he says, "Al phonse, give madam de address of de dentist we recommend." San Francisco. Also, I a/nassed a bank account in that same town. The bank buSted, too, with my coin In it, but this story carries enough tough luck of its own without lugging in a Chadwlcked bank. However, after Sing Wah left I be came despondent and ill, and could get nothing to lay on my stomach. It would have lain, could I have got any thing solid. On the afternoon of the second day without food, fax out in Valencia street, I found a dime, and I've never seen a silver dollar that looked as big. Once In the possession of capital, there came the worry and care incident to safe investment, and how to get the biggest returns, but I knew where to go. On lower Market street the curb was lined with fruit peddlers' wagons. Each cart had a board nailed upright on the seat, and over the board was drawn a paper bag on which the hucksters posted the odds — 6 for 5, 13 for 10, and so on. After a careful inspection of the field, I play ed a long shot — sixteen large, bug-bit ten Bartlett pears for a dime. The side pockets of my coat had broken through Into the lining, which mishap made a sort of blind tunnel around my spine. Into this secret cav ern I poured the sixteen pears, and had a grub supply for a couple of days. Whenever hunger assailed me, which was often, I reached in and hauled out a pear. Before famine time came on again I got work in a little jobbing shop in the residence district. The foundry "I LANDED FORTY FEET AWAY." NICHOLAS NEMO walked all over himself trying to find an excuse. After the old man had gone he explained to Mrs. Stubbs that he didn't want to make a scene in her presence or else he would have called the head of the firm down good and hard and taught him his pJace gener ally. Mrs. Stubbs appeared to be satis fied, but there was a questioning look in the northeast corner of her eye. The incident was not mentioned again, but Mrs. Stubbs sat herself down to do a large consignment of thinking. Could it be that her hero ,ha«i willfully and maliciously iiod to her? Was he the basest, instead of the bravest, of men? Her first im pulse was to convict him of prevarica tion in all the known degrees. Then she bethought her of the advisability of making inquiries of some of the other women to discover, if possible, if her husband were really marked for EDWARD W. TOWNSEND "Why, . General," she says, "how in ever did you know what I come for?" "It's a good chance to * take," says Ambass. "Ninety-nine out of a hun dred American ladies 1 ' dat -calls cm ', me waritsVie' dentist. You're de hundredret lady caller dig morning, and one of 'em wanted.- de ' dog- doctor, so I had a dead ; cinch on you." Well, she floated tru de door, and de ' Ambass.rnot . looking like he'd had a bit of punishment, he goes on. "You can kill de ; club dead wit dis when you gets back to dear little old Manhattan. As I was saying, de farmer's wife, see ing him take de fishing rod when he said he was going. to choich, she emp ties his flask of de real stun! in it and. puts in a pint of— ' Bless me, i here is a man I must see for a moment." = . _ I should say any one would want to see him. He had on more uniform dan de leader. of a circus band, and he was de limit for style in manners. He paid sixteen compliments ■to ■ Ambass, . talks American politics wit ,: Mr. Paul, and - den ,at , last .he • says, "His \ Excellency, d«- Secretary for ; War, wishes "I me to enquire "of - your Excellency, wit his ' compliments and expressions of undy - ing 5; adoration, where he - can buy a • quantity of dose American ; cigarettes you was so ■ gracious 5 as . to pass* to His Excellency .when your Excellency . met His Excellency at de soiree of her ' Grace de Marquise of de Urapski, de delightful ' Russian?" ' ■ "Sure," says Ambass. : "Alphonse, ■' give de ; Colonel de ' card of de Paris c branch of de American Tobacco}Pre .ferred—l mean : company." De Colonel told 'em how tickled »to dtat he was, and he backed out. "I want you to ; get dis -story right, Paul." says rAmbaas.: "You understand . dat de leading lady was looking for de : spot light, and ; not seeing de bouquet \ siie " : -. "Excuse." says Mr. Paul. "It's lunch •„ time. .Let's walk around to Henry's j' and se ,de man who ; told ; de story. Pre haps he'll finish v it.". - ; r > f Dats what dey done. But, say. isn't « dat ; a great job ? Twenty tousand ' dol lars a l year..for doing dat, with invita tions to dine wit de king ; trun in as tips. What! -■;;■.■:.:. --:' '--"-'" -'v •> ': »' • j (Copyright, 1905,. by Edward W. Town .v* "j send.) ■ : .- was attached to the owner's dt»mlcll» and he had started to splurge In th« manufacture of piano plates. My first day's toil netted about $5. p'ece work scale, and I asked ' for sonvi money with which to pander to the unnatural cravings of a man who had agreed to board me. The boss hand ed out a $5 bill, which I gave to my landlord that night. Next day about noon the job and I became separated. A retired sawmill boiler furnished steam power for our works, and any one who happened to think of it threw in coal or turned on the water. Thla fatal day the fellow who fired up for got about the water and pretty soon the boiler retired permanently from the scene. Sand, pig iron, piano plates and mechanics littered the landscape for half a square. I landed forty feet away with my back to the wreck and kept right on going. At the hotel I paused long enough to coax a rebate of $2 50 out of the $5 given the land lord the previous evening:. Then I made a bee line to Mare Island and shipped in Uncle Sam's nayy — went cruising among the South Sea Islands In a warship. Life ashore was grow ing too strenuous for me, particularly when they fired a salute of one steam boiler just because I went to wort at my legitimate trade. As mv bread wagoTi Isn't built for a sea voyage I will, in the next chap ter escape from the navy with a bum lamp and resume the simple life on ti canal at Keokuk, lowa. (Copyright, 1905, by Charles Dryden.) special ignominy or was only playing the game according to the rules ot the sex. Her final conclusion, on which she rests content at the present writ ing, was that he was only following a time-honored custom of the sex, as her own mother could have informed her if she had taken the trouble to inquire. At intervals Stubbs still forgets his lesson and relates to Mrs. Stubbs long stories of the confusion which he has heaped on the head of insolence. Mrs. Stubbs says nothing:, but consoles her self with the thought that her dear husband is not really lying. He la only telling what he would have said or done if he had had the nerve or had thought about it in time. In other words, distance not only lends enchantment to the view, but also magnifies it materially. — Copyright, 1904. by Albert Britt.