The San Francisco call. [volume], June 30, 1907, Page 7, Image 7

About The San Francisco call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913

Image provided by: University of California, Riverside; Riverside, CA

                
The San Francises Sunday Call.
THE GENTLE GRAFTER
THE CHAIR OF PHILANTHROMATHEMATICS
fl l SEE that the cause of Educa-
I lion has received the princely
I gift of more than fifty millions
of dollars,*' said I.
I was gleaning the stray items from
the evening papers while Jeff Peters
packed his briar pipe with plug cut.
"Which same," said Jeff, "calls for
a new deck, and a recitation by the
entire class in philar.thromathcnu
4'ls that an allusion?"
"it is," said Jeff. "I never to!d you
sf>Out the time when me and Andy
Tucker was philanthropists, did I?
111 1 was eight years ago ia Arizona.
Andy a;id me was dut in the Gila
mountains with a two-horse wagon
propecting for silver. We struck it,
and sold out to parties in Tuscon for
525.000. They paid our check at the
bank in silver — a thousand dollars in
s sack. We loaded it in our wagon
and drove east 100 miles before we
recovered our presence of intellect.
Twcnty-ilve thousand dollars don't
sound like so mucn when you're read
ing the annual report of the Penn
sylvania r?.i!rGad or listening to an
actor talking about his salary; but
when you can raise up a wagon sheet
zr.d kick around with your boot heel
and hear every one of 'cm ring
against another it makes you feel like
you was a night-and-day bank with
the clock striking 12.
"The third day Out we drove into
one of the most specious and tidy
little towns that nature or Rand &
McNally ever turned out. -It was in
the foothills, and mitigated with trees
and flowers and about 2.000 head of
cordial and d:iatory inhabitants. The
town*, seemed to be called -.Plorcsvillc,
snd iiature had not contaminated it
with many railroads, fleas or eastern
tourists. • J .
The Bracelet of Her Ancestors and the Chinese Qirl
(Continued from Preceding Page.) \
began to be enlightened." A fine look
ing, stalwart Chinaman , called upon
ihentr announced thai he was cook in
one of tho mansions on Pacific avenue
and desired to wed the pretty Chinese
gtrl who lived with them. He would
\u25a0"•marry her "China fashion," and gladly
sive them JSOO for her, and to prove
jsis assertion he produced a roll of
bill? from inside his pocket. When told
that slic was already married ne left
in disgust. Tlie following evening the
family had another offer for the hand
of the pretty, flirtatious Rosabclle, and
as further indications pointed toward
\u2666 their bavins a matrimonial agency Im
posed upon them they concluded the
best thing to «3o was to send the evi
dently eligible. Mrs. Mow Chun How to
the irission.
But these offers of marriage from
good looking Chinamen had -set tho
runaway wife to thinking. She would
get a divorce and marry again "llelt
ran fashion." A well known lawyer
was consulted, a pitiful tale was told
iend he promised to- rid the unhappy
woman of her cruel husband. When
the American family explained to^ him
• that this""was impossible. . as Roeabelle
had been married with the Chinese
ceremony tbat admitted of no divorce,
he withdrew the case. Accidentally,
however, the suit got into a newspa
per and Mrs. Mow Cbun How realized
tbfe height of her ambition. She. had
seen her name In print. She bought
many of the papers, cut her name but
and pasted them on white slips; of,
paeteboarV for calling cards. It grieved
her that she could not add her day at
home in the corner.
By tbi» time aer money/ had «!yeh
?Mi and Andyfdcposited our money
to the credit of Peters and Tucker in
the Esperanza savings bank, and got
rooms at the Skyview hotel. After
supper we lit up, and sat out on the
gallery and smoked. Then was when
this philanthropy idea struck me. I
suppose every grSftcr gets it some
time.
'When a man swindles the public
out of a certain amount he begins to
get scared, and wants to return' part
of it. And if you'll watch close and
notice the way his charity runs you'll
see that he tries to restore it to the
same people he got it from.. As a
hydrostatical c-isc, take, let's say, A.
A made his millions selling oil ; to
poor students who sit up nights study
ing political economy and methods
for regulatingthc trusts. So, back to
the 'universities and colleges goes his
conscience dollars.
'"There's B, got his from the conY
mon laboring man that works with
his hands and tools. How's he to
get some of the remorse fund back
into their overalls?
"'Aha! 1 says B, Til do it in the
name of education. I've skinned the
laboring man,' says he to himself, 'but
according to the old proverb "Char
ity covers 2 multitude of skins !"' '
"So he puts up. eighty million dol
lars' worth of libraries; and the boys
with the dinner pail that builds 'cm
gets the benefit.
"'Where's the books?' asks the
reading public.
Ut l dinna ken,' says B. 'I offered
ye libraries; and there they. ar"e. I
suppose if I'd given you preferred
steel trust stock instead ye'd have
wanted the water in It set out in cut
glass decanters^ Hoot, for ye!'
"But, as I said, the = owning of so
much money was beginning to give
out and she took a position with a well
known elocution teacher in* San Fran
cisco. But the art of elocution was a
strange one to her and as she furtively
watched and listened to '"the elocu
tionist practice,, her voice portraying
all the human emottons. from love to
hate, she became frightened and ran
away, telling the American family that
the woman was "clazy. She talk alle
time to herself.'V .j* ; a -
.. After that s;le lived with many fami
lies and then there came a day when
she was too ill to work. Her money
was all gone, And she needed, medjeal
attention and food. One.; by" one she
had sold all her personal belongings
until only the jade bracelets remained.
They were so large that they v.-ould
fall off her slender arm if she held it
down and she could push them up to
her thin little shoulder. ' Slowly she
made her way to a big jewelry estab
lishment in Van Ness avenue and th<»re
parted with one of the beautiful orna
ments for $*60. , . :
The jewelers were delighted with
wtoat they considered , a bargain.: Never
had they seen a piece of Jade of that
size so pure in color, and so wonder
fully and curiously carved. They con
cluded to make much : more out of it
than they had given for It by fashion
ing from it many different articles^bf
jewelry. When they cut into the Cir
clet they found to their dismay that it
was hollow, and" their wonder In
creased when . they discovered .that It
was filled witli tiny cubes of jade, each
one Intricately carved 'with .Chinese
letters. The square medallion . con
tained a pin of jade no larger .than an
ordinary steel " pin. also • curiously
carved -with Chinese _ writing, "'and
"around ' this was. wrapped a. piece! of
me pmlanthropitis. It was the first
time me and And^' had ever made a
pile big enough, to make us stop and
think how we got it. " :
"'Andy/ says 1, 'we're .wealthy —
not beyond the dreams of average ;
but in our humble : way \vc arc com- j
paratively as rich as greasers. I fecf
a^s if I'd like to do; something for as
well as. to" humanity/
"'I ~¥ras thinking the - same thing,
Jeff/ says he.^ 'We've been gouging
the public for a long time -with Vail"
kinds of little schemes 'from selling
self-igniting celluloid collars td^flood-.
.ing^Georgia-, with: Hbke..Smith;,presi
dential campaign buttons. I'd like,
myself, to hedge ; a bet or ftwo in the \
graft game if I could do .'it .-'without \
actually banging the cymbalines in the
Salvation. Army or teaching a bible
class by the sj'stcm/
" 'What'll we do?' saj ; s Andy. 'Givc^
free grub to thepoor or send a codplc
of thousanduo George Cortelyou?'-" .
" 'Neither/ s'aysjj. 'We've got too
rhuch money, to be implicated in, plain
charity;; and we haven't, got enough
to make restitution. - So, we'll look
about for s something that's 'about half
way between the two.V ' -
"The next day ; in walking, around
\u25a0Floresvillc v,*c sec on a hill albig red
brick building, that appears to be^dis-'
inhabited^ The :citizcns* speak-up and
tell us that it. was begun* for a resi
dence several y*4rs > before by \u25a0 a mine
owner. v After running ud the house
he finds he .only; had, s2.Bo left to fur
nish, it with, so ;he^;invests -that; in
whisky^ and jumps off the roof on a
spot where he now requiescats in
pieces. t -.''.''
"As" soon as me and Andy saw. that
building the same. idea struck both of
Us. 'We would fix it up withvlighls
and ,pen ; wipers and professors/ and
put an iron dog. and statues of If cr-
. parchment as delicate, as" a cob-xeb, but
as strong as silk. ; That, too, was cov
ered with the mysterious Chinese
characters. They. sent for the Chinese
consul -to decipher tho mystery. ': But
he either would not or could- not tell
them much. All they learned: was that
Mrs. Mow Chun How was descended
from a family of importance and prom
inence In CUina, and that the bracelets,
\u25a0were heirlooms' handed down for ages.
The Chinese consu 1 : admits that h*
located his _ country; woman ). s whose
adoption of foreign '\u25a0 ideas had brought
her to srief. He also modestly, admits
that he asfelsted her incvery.v.-ay pos
sible, and that : out. of- gratituao ; she'
presented him with the : , .inaU- '.to ".it he
bracelef^Bhft sold .to "'the' jewelers.
When questioned further be; announces
solemnly .^that Mrs.^Mow, \u25a0Chun How ,ts
dead, and beyond " that " his}: knowledge
of the English language ; gives^oiit.; If
he were a coolie instead-of.a^dignifled
consul, he would probably ''no sabe."
/Whether he speaks literally -or \u25a0fig
uratively Is eon jecture. ;. : So far, as; the
Chine so of • sin - Frahciko .-"and ( the
smaller ; totv'n 3 -of Call f ofnia 'l are coh; '
ckrned, Mrs. Mow Chiin How istcer-,
tainly dead; 'that ;; is, _ But
there is a rumor that .will; not entirely,
die down,;that the! Chineeo girl i«.-6ht
to Mexico anfl there .wedded a Chines*
of wealth', and* jJrorolnehcifil ahd r in \ still <
trying; to take^outtof Mifej.whatt She
considers she ;is; entitled' to."-^ That' it • is'
more' than '3 the {Chinese \ woman \ is fal
lowed. • and - yet"; not t as i much; as *; the'
American \u25a0". woman, "takes \u25a0.[ f or^ gran ted,",
she? does : not.' probably, v take ';, lntolcon- .
sideration. : The \u25a0; "eternal \ •\u25a0; fitness '-.': of
things ;; is'bhV'of vthe:many:lessons,: if
little '- Rbsabelle; Is ' still \ alive; \ thTatf ahe
has ; to jeam^Also^that'a"' little] knowl-'
edge:imay j rbe^atdangerou"s£thlng.',and
that -there/are? times '.whenT^'lgnorance
ia bliss." - "* . ;» ; r "'
\u25a0 _ "\u25a0<.\u25a0\u25a0, \u25a0.-.;\u25a0\u25a0 j::- : ' -.'S ' \u25a0 \u25a0 \u25a0\u25a0 %. i----\'
cuics and : Father John ;on tlie lawn,
and start one. of the finest. free educa
tional institutions in the - world* right
there. 1 - """'' .' ''.;"\u25a0.-: ,
"So we talks' it over to the -promi
nent citizens of Floresville.^vho; falls
in fine with the" idea. f-They give a ban
quet in the .engine house to us, 'and
we make our bow, for the first time
as benefactors -to ..the .'cause of prog
ress and enlightenment.. : Andy .makes
an . hour- and i a, halK speech.' onVthe
, Subject.. of irrigation in ; L'o we r-j Egypt,
and we have; a'Miibral-;timc*^6h', the
phonograph :~: ~ piiieapple }*sherbe t.
• !'Andy^and^meifdidn-lt;lo3e*"'aKy time
in *. philanthropjiing^.; :)Ve ; put**" every,
man in town that could tell. a hammer
from 'a step ladder to work on the
building, dividing it rup: into class
rooms and : lecture^ halls. " ; We 'wire to'
Frisco for a, carload of desks, foot
ball?, arithmetics, ; pen /holders, 'dic
tionaries,' 4 chairs for" thc^, professors,
slates, skeletons, sponges, : 27 craven
. ettcd gowns arid-, taps for the -senior
class, Z and an open order 'for, < all
the truck that goes with-a first class
university. I took it on myself to put
a campus and curriculum on the list;
but . the telegraph operator must have
got the-" words- wrong, . being' an- ig-'
- norant man, for when the goods come
we found ay can of peas and a curry
comb among 'cm. '^oits:iji
\ "While ;thc\weekly paper was hav
ing chalk-plate cuts ; of me and Andy
Hvc; wired an " enj'ployment** agency in
Chicago to express us, f. o. b., six
professors immediately— one. English
literature, one ,up to date : dead lan
guages,^ one chemistry, onc_ political
"economy^— democrat- preferred— -one
logic, and one wise to painting, Italian
and music, with union card. ~,The ; Es
peranza bank guaranteed \u25a0"salaries,
which was to run between $800 "and
$soaso. : . : ;,.;y: -\u25a0\u25a0\u25a0-.-\u25a0', ';•-:\u25a0: ,':"•\u25a0
"Well, sir, we finally got In, shape.
Over the. front door was carved the
words : 'The World's University, Pe
ters & Tucker,; Patrons and Proprlc
tors.'/ And when September '. the 'hrst
got a cross mark on the calendar^ the
come-ons begun : tolroll! in. First -the
; faculty got 7 oft '..\u25a0 the triweekly cx- J
press from Tucson. They was mostly
young, ; respectable; and J'red headed,
with sentiments divided between am
bition and food. Andy and me got
'cm, billeted on : thc Floresvilliansand
then laid; for the students. ' , _ '.'_\u25a0 ;
\u25a0.: "They came in bunches. We : had
advertised the university in all:' the
state? papers,; and; it did -us' good- to
sec]ho\v, quick the country responded;
\u25a0\u25a0Two lrandred! and nineteen .husky; lads
aging \u25a0 along- from : 18 : up^ to"; chin
whiskers answered the; clarion \u25a0 call
of free: education, j They ripped open
that town, sponged" the seams, turned
it,\ lined "it* with new.; mohair; and you
couldn't; have told it from Harvard
or Goldfields^at the.rMarch term of
court. " \u25a0 : -
'.."They- .rnarched- up, and down .the
streets waving, flags '.with the World's
nnii veroitj^ colors—ultramanne • and
blue-rand they certainly' made a -lively
place ; of .^Fioresvilic.-:-vAndy / made: "cm
,'a speech* from ; the. balcony of : . the
\ Skyyicw ; hotel, : and the :. whole ."town
'\u25a0was, but celebrating.-,. ?\u25a0'\u25a0\u25a0: "\u25a0'.-.-.: \u25a0'•-.*.
".. "In -about two.^ weeks . the . profess
ors got the^ students ;-^disarmed and
herded' intoV classes. . l i don't "^ believe'
.there's any pleasure , equal f to^ being
a;philanthr6pist.,Me r and^ ; A
highTsilk}hats[ahid 'pVeteri^edJto^dbdgc
the : two i reporters on -the --Floresvillc
Gazette: C The vpaper^hadya: man Uo~
kodak us wheneverTwi appeaTedFon the'
street, and ran our pictures every week
over the column headed 'Educational
notes.' Andy lectured twice-, a week
at ; the university and afterward I
would, rise and tell a humorous story.
Once the Gazette printed my picture
with Abe Lincoln on one .side and
Marshall P. .Wilder on ' the other.
"Andy was as interested. in philan
thropy as I was. We .used to wake
up of nights and tell each *other new
ideas for.: booming the university. —
".'Andy.' ' r says>f I to him one day,
'there's something we f overlooked.'
The boys ought to have dromedaries.'
.-." 'What's -that?'* Andy, asks:;
'.''Why, something to sleep/in, of
course/ says" I. 'AH. colleges have
'cm.'- \u25a0 - \u25a0 . • \u25a0' ..;\u25a0"'\u25a0-. .'
/'.'Oh, you mean _ pajamas/ says
Andy.
"'I do riot* says I. 'I mean drome
daries.' But I never could make Andy
understand;: so we never ordered 'cm.
Of course,- 1 .meant them long bed-
'rooms-; in'. colleges- where the: scholars .
sleep' in a row. > * --; :
, "Well, sir, . the World's university
was a success;' We: had scho4ars, from
fivej states and territories,* and : Fibres- 1
ville ; had a boom. A new snooting
gallery^ and a pawnshop and two more 1
saloons (started ; and ; the . boys got up
a" cbliegc ',' yell t h ait went . thi s way : " :' :
: ; "xßaw, raw, raw,
' Done,idbner done, ''
- ";\u25a0'.-\u25a0/ Peters, >Tucker,^
i\ "Lots of "fun. *
_ : /Ow«w6w-wov,-,^
; Haw-hfte-haw,V -
Worldjflniversity;
Hlp»»-harrah!'
"The scholars, was a fine lot of.
young men," and me and Andy' was as
. proud tbf^'em, as UtUhey'.belo'nged-to;
our owmfamiijv v * ; < ;, ._-: V : %^. :
. ; '"But^one .daj'i about the; last ; of :oc- •
:'-^bmcs^t6VmV-a"n^-'ask"s\.if-^: '-^bmcs^t6VmV-a"n^-'ask"s\.if-^
I: have any idea how much. money we
had left in the bank. I guesses about
sixteen thousand. 'Our balance,' says
Andy, -'is $821.62.'
"'What!' says f; with a kind of a
yell. 'Do you niean to tell me that
them infernal little clod-hopping,
dough-headed, pup-faced, goose
brained, gate-stealing, rabbit-eared
sons; of horse thieves have soaked as
for that much?'
. '*' 'No less,' says Andy. >
"'Then, to Helvetia with philan
thropy,' says I.
"'Not necessarily,' says :Andy. 'Phi
lanthropy,' says he, 'when run on a
good business basis is one of the
best-grafts going. I'll look into the
matter and. sec if it can't be straight
en^ out.' \u25a0\u25a0•\u25a0 : ; -;'.v ; :yf;;'^
"The next week I am looking over
the payroll^ of our faculty when I
runs across a new name— Professor
James Darnlcy McCorkle, chair of
mathematics; salary $100 per week.
I yells so loud that Andy runs in
quick.
' " 'What's this?* says I. 'A professor
of rriathematics at more than $5,000
a.year!^How did this happen?.- Did
he get in through the window and
appoint himself? I.'1 .'
••'""" 'l Vwired ,to;Fnsco;for.him : a week
ago,' ""says Andy. ''In ordering.' the
faculty we seemed to have overlooked
the^chaSjr. of % mathematics.
'i ' A I good \ thing we did,* says I:
'We -ckn .pay ,his}saiary two Aveeks,
and then' our •philanthropy will look
like', the -ninth i hole* oh the Ski bo golf
Hnks.v : : ;v.:'-.'^:-;'
\u25a0i J Wait';* a while,', says , Andy, 'and
see how- things turn out. 'We have
taken* up tob**rioble\a-cause to draw
out now. the -farther I gaze
i ri to th e - retail .; philanthropy ' business
the .-'better;: it "looks .to me;. I never
thought about investigating" it before.
Comc^to think- of it now,' goes r on
Andy, 'all the philanthropists I eve*
kocu' had plenty of money. I ought to
have looked into that matter lonjj &Z<>,
and located which was the cause, and
which was t& effect.*
"'I had confidence in Andy's chi-»
canery in . financial affairs, so I left
the whole thing in his hands. The
university was fiocriahins fine, antt
me and Artdy kept our silk hats shined
Up, and Flore3ville kept on heaping
honors on U3 like we was million-*
airca. instead of almost busted philan*
thropists.
"The students kept the form ffvely"
and prosperous. Some stranger cams
to town and started a faro bank-over
the, Red Front livery stable, and be
gan to amass money in quantities. He
and Andy strolled up one night and
piked a dollar or two for sociability.
There v, ere about 50 of our students
there drinking rum punches and shov*
ing high stacks of blues and reds
about the table as the dealer tamed
the cards up.
" 'Why, dang it. Andy,* says I,
'these frce-school-huntin£, gander
headed silk-socked little sons of sap
suckers have got more money than
you and -me ever' had. Look at tho
rolls they're polling out of their pbtol
pockets!'
" 'Yes/ ssfys Andy, 'a good many of
them are sons of wealthy miners and
stockmen. It's very sad to sec 'em v
wasting their opportunities this way.*
"At Christmas all the students went
home to spend the holiday?. We had
a farewell blowout at the university,
and nndy lectured on 'Modern Music
and Prehistoric Literature ot the Ar
chipelagoes.' Each one of the faculty
answered to toasts, and compared me
and Andy to Rockefeller and the Em
peror Marcus Antolycus. I pounded
on the table and yelled for Professor
McCorkle; but it seems he wasn't
present on the occasion. I wanted s
look at the man that Andy thought
could earn $100 a week ~ia philan
thropy that, was on the point of mak- .
ing an assignment.
"The students all left on the night
train; and the town sounded as quiet
as the campus of a correspondence
school at, midnight. When I went
to the hotel I saw a light in Andy's
room, and I opened the door and
walked in. -
"There sat Andy and the faro dealer
at a table dividing a two-foot high
stack of currency in $1,000 packages.
" 'Correct,* says Andy. Thirty-one
thousand apiece. Come in, Jeff,' says
he. Thi3 is our share of the profits
of the first half of the scholastic
term of the World's university, in
corporated and philanthropated. Are
you convinced now,' say* Andy, 'that
philanthropy when practiced in a busi
ness ' way is an art that blesses him
who gives as \ well ds him who re
ceives?'
;!"Great!' says I, fcsling fine. l V\l
admit you arc the doctor this time.*
"'We'll be leaving. on the morning
train,'/Says Andy. 'You'd better get
your collars and cuffs and press clip
pings together.*
**'•» Great!* says I. Til be ready. But,
Andy,' says* l, 4 I wish I could have
met that Professor James Darnley
McCorkle before; we went. I had. a
curiosity -to know that man.'
" -That'll be\ easy,' 'says Andy, turn
ing around to the faro dealer/.. ;-V
*' 'Jim,' says Andy, 'shake .hands
with;Mr.Pcteri:"