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THE GENTLE GRAFTER \u25a0'• •.-''; • \u25a0 PilsiisSstsHaJaßlßw . .^^^^^^ j^^ \u25a0 - v... \u25a0 \u25a0 - •\u25a0 --.''. ..'\u25a0'. \u25a0\u25a0\u25a0--\u25a0 \u25a0 \u25a0 ' rSrf^SiwSpfri"-' *: : v, *>'-"•• --•-\u25a0 \u25a0\u25a0-"• .\u25a0\u25a0 •*•/. \u25a0 . \u25a0 . t . .\u25a0-\u25a0\u25a0*.. I EFF PETERS was .always elo 1 quent when the " ethics of his \u25a0\J profession were under discussion. "The .only times," said he, "that me and Andy Tucker ever had any hiatuses in our cordial intents was when we differed on the moral aspects of grafting. Andy had his standards and I had mine. I didn't approve of all of Andy's schemes for lev3"ing contributions from the pub- lie, and he thought I allowed my. con science to interfere too often for the . financial good of the firm. ; We had \u25a0high arguments sometimes. Once one word led on to another till he said I reminded him of Rockefeller. " 4 1 know how you mean that, ' Andy/ says I, 'but we have been friends too long for me to take of fense at a taunt that you will regret when you cooLoff. I have yet/ says I, *to shake hands with a subpena server. "One summer me and Andy de cided to rest up a spell in a fine..little town in the mountains of Kentucky' called Grassdale. We was supposed to be iforse drovers, and good, decent citizens besides, taking a summer va- cation. The Gras?dale people, liked us, and me and Andy declared a se cession of hostilities, never so much as floating the fly leaf of a. rubber concession prospectus or flashing a Brazilian diamond while we were "One day the leading hardware merchant of Grassdale drops around to the iliotel where me and Andy stopped, and, smokes with us, soci able, on* the side porch. We knew him pretty well from pitching quoits in the afternoons in the courthouse yard. He was a loud, red man, breathing hard, but fat and respect able beyond all reason. , "After we talk on all the notorious themes of the day, this Murkison — for such was his entitlements — takes a letter out of his coat pocket in a careful, careless way and hands it to us lo read. x "'Now- what do you think of that?' sr.ys he, laughing — 'a letter like that to MET "Me and A:idy sees at a glance what it- is; but we pretend to read it through. It was one of them old tisne typewritten green goods letters explaining how for $1,000 you could get $5,000 in bills that an expert couldn't tell from the genuine; and gohijr on to tell how they are made from plates stolen by an employe of Lhe treasury at Washington. . "'Think of "em sending a letter like that to ME! 1 says Murkison again. " 'Lots of good men get 'em,* says Andy. 'If you don't answer the first letter they let you drop. , If you an swer it they write again asking you to come on with your money and do business.' " 'But think of 'em . writing to ME V uys Murkison. "A few days later he drops around again. "'Boys, says he, 'I know you are all right or I wouldn't - confide in you. I wrote to them rascals, again just for fun. They answered and, told me to come on to Chicago.- They said telegraph to J. Smith when I would start. When I get there I'm. to wait on a certain street corner till a. man in a gray suit. comes, along and'; drops a newspaper in front of ipe. Then I am to ask him how the water is, and he knows it's me and I know it's him/ o'y " 'Ah, yes/ says Andy, gaping, 'it's the same old -game. I've often read about it in the papers. Then he you to the private abattoir in the ho tel, where Mr. Jones is already wait ing. They show you brand new real money and sell you all you want at five for one. You see 'em put it in a satchel for- you and you- know it's there. Of course it's brown paper when you come to look at it after " 'Oh, they couldn't switch it on me/ says Murkison. 'I haven't built up the best paying business in Grass- dale without having: witticisms about me. . You say it's real money; they showiyou, Mr. Tucker?' " 'I've" always — I - : see by the papers that it always is,' says Andjv . "'Boys,' says Murkison, Tve. got it in' my mind that them fellows can't fool me. Ithink^ril put a couple- of thousand in my jeans and go. up, there and put it all over 'em. If : Bill Mur kison gets^ his eyes; once on them bills they show him .he'll never take 'cm off; of.' /em. • They offer ."$5; for $1, and they'll ; have to stick to the bargain if; I < UckleVem^ -That's^ the kind. of a trader Bill Murkison is. Yes, I jist believe I'll drop up '< Chicago way and take a 5; to .1, shot on J. Smith. I guess >the v/ater'll be fine' enough/ : . .'". ". ' .""\u25a0 • . ' "Me and Andj r tries to get this financial misquotation out of 'Mur kison's head, but we might as well have tried to keep the man Avlfo foils peanuts with a toothpick from bet ting on Bryan's election. No," sir; he was going to perform , a'« public duty by catching "these green goods swindlers at their own ; game. -Maybe it wouldteach 'em" a Wesson.' ¥::t\\ \u25a0 "After Murkison left us me" and Andy sat a .while prepondering over our silent meditations and heresies of reason. In our idle. hours we always improved 'our higher; selves by ratio cination and mental thought. , ;^d . "'Jeff/.says Andy, after a 1a 1 long time, 'quite unseldom, I have seen fit to impugn. your molars when you have been chewing the rag with *me about your conscientious way of do ing business. I nlay have been' of ten wrong. " But here is a>case wl^ere" I think we can agree? I feel that it would be wrong for us to allow Mi". Murkison tog o alone to meet tho^e Chicago green goods men.': /There is but- one way it can end. Don't you think we would both feel better">if we was to in some way and prevent thev doing of this deed?' "I got up and shook Andy Tuck er's hand hard^and long. " 'Andy/ says I, ; !I may have had one or two " hard thoughts about the licartlessness^ of your corporation, but I retroact 'cm now. You have a kind nucleus jit the interior of your exterior after all. "It docs, you credit. 'I was just thinking the sa'mei thing that you have 'expressed It would not be honorable* or .praise worthy/ says I, 'for. us to let Murki son go on with this "project, he has taken up. llf he is determined to go let. us go with him' and. prevent this swindle from coming off/ "Andy agreed with me;'iand f . I was glad td': see that 'he was in "earnest about breaking -up this green goods sclVeme.^.- ; [•"\u25a0'-\u25a0'\u25a0 ""-''r-'l :, . ; "'I don't : call I myself," a- religious man/ says. I,; 'or a fanatic in moral bigotory, but : I , can't stand still and see a man who has built up a business by his/ own 7 efforts and brains .and risk be robbed » by- an unscrupulous trickster who is a. menace to the pub lic; good/ \u25a0 > '\u25a0",-\u25a0 " . '-V-'-i " '.", 'Right, Jeff j| ' says Andy. 'We'll "stickright >( along with Murkison if" he insists "on^ '.going. and block this' funny business. < I'd .hate -to see any money dropped in it" as bad as you would/ .. " Well,. we' went < to see Murkison. said; lie,; 'l can't con sent to let the song of .this*- Chicago siren waft by me on "the summer breeze. I'll fry"- some fat} out . : of : this ignis ; fatuu^ or 1 burn a hole -in the* •skillet. .-, But ; I'd be plumb;' diverted to death to have; you all., go' along •with me. Maybe you could Kelp some r when it comes to cashing •"- in ithe \u25a0ticket to that 5 ; to 1 really^take it as 'raV; pastime "'."•\u25a0 and regalement if you boys would go along too.' "Murkison give's •it rout in* Grassdale' that he isigoing for a :fewj!days;\vith Mr. Teters 'and Mr. Tucker ;to;; to ; look over some iron ore property: in West Virginia. He wires J. Smith that he will set foot in therspider web on a given date; and-the th'reeTof usJights out for Chicago* -, "On the way Murkison amdses'him- Vself - with premonitions :• and /advance * pleasant "recollections. / •; ; \ "'ln a ;gray v suit,^says;he/,'onVthe 'southwest : corner, of .Wabash avenue and .Lake 'street. : He drops .the pap^r, , and v I ask how the water is. Oh, my, my, my!' ;And^.thln^lie laughs -all" over;, for' five minutes.* ; "Sometimes Murkison was serious, and tried to talk, himself but of, his cogitations,' .whatever they./" was. '.-"•'-\u25a0 -V' J "'Boys/- says^he, 'I wouldn't have this to get . out in Grassdale : for ten • times/a 1 - thousand dollars^ . It would ruin "mc\there. But. I know you . all The Joy of Really Feeling: the $ti&in of a Melodrama Hanna A. Larsen {^r\OING" a; general thriller of a I I, melodramatic". sho\v would; ",be * distinctly' k bore, to .the; jaded appetite 'that thinks Itself an ind.ica.tion of /ciilturc if it were not . for tlioVaudl ence. Watch t tho ' open mouthed rap tures of tl»e small -boy and bis 'equally unsophisticated ciders, and it -becomes a question in your.mlnd whether we do not pay, too deafly, for our vaunted cul-. ture, 'too much -in, enjoyment sacrificed. The" story has been' told before, butlt is worth telling again,' of the newsboy who, when watching from the sweet haven of . the top. gallery . the general slaughter in the last act {of ) Hamlet caliedoiit to his chum: " "Say, Bill/.ict's. get out quick; they'll have 'an extry on this sure." '. : Perhaps if Shakespeare were played; In 'the v two bit .theaters, I where .the" airj Is * thick 7 with' 'tobacco;' smoke,'^ where peanut \u25a0 shells j strew ythe j floor.'i and i. the . small boy. offers "ice cream cornicopies".. between, the acts, ; perhaps if his rattling^ plays ', were * off ered s th« r regular > patrons of; melodrama Jin Sthe '.atmospher.e / to which^theyiareaccustomed^they^would not be^ played itolempty^chalrs'iorHo; an audience that is merely; tolerant.% ' ' ; * -"In 1 * the, absencejof' Shakespeare', and his ; ilk the patrons of 'the" two bit shows wallow!Tln the- dellghtsV '. of i bandits;', beautiful,; maidens tlnidistress^: villains of the blackest' dye ' that 'j. nature ever produced, and i- , then '_\u25a0?_ given ;. an C extra smudge to* make ;them coal 1 like 'enodgh to;meet:the; requirements -of? the;" nlay, and^herocs who.wouldVmake'heaVeinfit-* self -a',boreV-4lt ' must-be.an ?ungrateful task tto -be". the> villain" on.thelstage.v It is'; his' business Uo^make; his * morals u>f the very inkiest;- hueTand^his- face :vHi swarthy, i leering i mask ; of J villainy for the delectation ot the'audience, l^and 'the b otter,-, he ;' does i his iwork| the; more iexf ecrations^they hurl fat !him. v i'He is' there for. the! purpose 'of- mlnistering|toUheir, craving; for^afrehxyiof^vlrtiJbus: hatred,' and ; hisVpersonal- feelings \ are ; not { conr; : sldered tin"? the|matter/atTall.^ He/may, ,be" the! mildest imannered'ofsnien^a'hen •pecked ! husbarid f arid ; the ;father;of;seyen exemplary,; children. i., ; He?mayJgive lib-; erallyl to g'charl tie's .•Tiand';"»; keep I up; his ;church^subscrlption^;but"; ; he' has: the : audience 'against- him *;from* the -time .it greets* his? entrance 'iwithj hisses to "the itim»,when^he;;liesivanqulßhed;by ; the 1 hero,; arid -.1 i t f >i me taphor ically - tramples him; under i foot," * •. \u25a0; / \u25a0'. O. HENRY are aU rigbtr I think'it's the duty of -every citizen,' says he, '/to : iry. to do \u25a0'up^thesc ; robbeTs that ' prey ,upon the :_' public. N Tli 'show .'cm \u25a0.whether ' the water's fine;' Five, dollars" for 'one— .that's what J. Smith goffers;; and he'll have; to keep his. contract ; if he does business with Bill -Murkison.' "We got into Chicago - about 7 p. 1 ' m. Murkison was to meet the ,'gray man at half past 9. We had din-; her^at a ;hotel..ahd- then went up to ; Murkison' s room to wait ior the time to come. \u25a0"'. \u25a0 \u25a0\u25a0.:\u25a0'.')-.-:; '""" .. \u25a0" .". • \u25a0 " 'Now, boys/ says Murkison, 'let's get gumption together arid inocu late a. plan; for defeating- the enemy. Suppose .while I'm exchanging airy bandage \\vith the gray capper -you gents : 'cotrie .along, by accident,-; you know, "and holler:' -'Hello,' Murk!' and shake * hands i 'with of sur T prise. and familiarity. ;Thenl take, the .capper aside and'teir him youallare Jenkins and '. Brown of Grassdale, groceries and .feed, ; good men and ' maybe "willing to 'take : a chance while away from home/ ,; \u25a0\u25a0\u25a0"_ '\u25a0\u25a0-.\u25a0' - . v t «<g r j n g -' em along,"' he'll say,'.of course, "if ; they care to'irivest." Now, how does .that scheme strike you?' *'£ "'What, do you; say, Jeff?' says. Andy, /looking at me." ; • '"Why, I'll 'tell you whaUl say/ .saysl* 'I say let's settle this thing: right here- now. }l don't see , any use ;\u25a0 •of -wasting; any- more ; time.' I took a nickel plated 38 out of; my pocket and clicked the cylinder -around a few times. , :y' r - "-' . \u25a0\u25a0 .. ' ; ,-' :'-" •f-'.-V- '*'You undevout, sinful, insidious* 'On the otherhand-what a- snap '.to. bo the hero.- He has 'only, to stalk through the play -and .mouth fthefnoble, senti ments : which; the -author, puts :in his mouth, '• and = he ' is the I darling of . the audlenee; ; which r ; is .wilUng to- give : him even .the* deepest: of all' tributes', : tears. ; ; :• There ,was ; a man in. the top gallery of ~ the : old > Busli/ street .theater ; once, \u25a0nho,'- when gunplayj became violent on: the; stage, :. felt impelled to tAke some part : in \u25a0 the proceedings. ;; He had previ-' ously . taken "\u25a0 off., his - shoe to case , ills aching -foot' and" in- the^dearth of "othor .weapons' J he '"'shied his shoe in amons tlic actors' on the stage. J',' \ . '7lf .'youfwant'td ste the great Ameri can public,. his best girl, his father and hlsimother.andthe youthful liope of his old ago enjoying > themselves, go 1 to one bf^the cheap .theaters to'a Sunday mati nee, :I when , a -good ' gory old sh6w/-i* given;' \u25a0\u25a0'-. .-\ \u25a0: :*.. \u25a0.:'':.\u25a0' .\ - .^-' x - '.Cj.-' \u25a0 - 1 It Vwas myj fortune one Sunday after noon to r"do" '\u25a0: such' a • one not*, long ago/ The ':, hero ;ahd , his \brother.vWere ; noble outlaws,*; ln s fact none other '\u25a0 than the' historic James boys of Missouri. -They \u25a0 were ; by; another.", gang of outlaws of a considerably.'diff erent and presumably-, blacker \u25a0 brand.' wore a black shirt" picturesquely .tuciked \ away3from;a,;whltetcolumnarV throat, -a' kerchief V lightly V.thrownj around -C h\k' shoulders soiaslto increase the, seeming girth! of, his ;shirt,iono.pi3tol; in his belt and; an J : uncertain : number .of . others ready.; to hbeV whipped i out i'of /hia boots at);any: moment." :Addi* to 'all?this a beard that; looked, as if it really; grew, on , him/; and '* it is i needless -to : say that the audience, - pjrt-ticularly.'_the'. feminine partjof 'it, groveled , at ;hls feet. ;. v? He had '.Ha-ha-ed".; the • blood "curdling threats;ot*theivlllaln, had ;cut \the ropo that was -hanging;; his (stepfather ; just > as: the ;J audience audibly,.- If, that estimable gentleman V. would -not croak- before j the hero; could* arrive,', had r borne >his ; sweetheart fainting from : the. red,"; 4 roarihgrl. flames i'that.: cdnsumed their ihome;j had : lowered himself : by; a rope ;\u25a0 lii to i the ; cave f that '» hid ; his mother torn: her, 1 ; shrieking, lf rom, the" hands' of ithe^yillain r , ; wielding -a;; blacksnake whip",':; and Estopped? the; holdup; of ; - an' express! trai n - by. the ; same . villains. He ;hadivow;edlyeng'eance,"as;long as gra«d grows Jand i wateriflowa" : "on* those i : who . had tortured J his jmo ther, and f the! sym-;.; [pathetic J yells- of-- the « audience HJftedj the! roof.^ ;^ ;; '\ \ ;-; _.: ;; :jr>-~. ",'"•[ SO'mo ;« there Vwefe who ; thought they f ' ''IsJ that; all?" -said ' someTonej; behind . me/; -';. ! '.'<€^^^^, T; *i ; ; <; ''Oh,' no; i Jesse* has , got to -die first," hog,' says I to Murkison/ 'get oUt that two thousand and lay it on the table. 'JObey with velocity,' says I, 'for otherwise: alternatives arc im pending. I am preferably a man of mildness, but now and then I find myself in the middle of extremities,. Such men as you,' I went on after he had laid the' money out, 'is what keeps the jails and courthouses going? Youcome up here \o rob these men of their-money. - Does" it excuse you?' I asks, "that they were trying to skin you? '^ No, sir; 'you was going to rob Peter to stand off Paul. You are ten times says I, 'than green goods manJ ... You go to church at home and pretend to be a decent citi zen, but you'll come to Chicago and commit larceny from men that have built up. a sound and profitable busi ness by dealing with such- contempti ble scoundrels as you have tried, to' iJe today. ..How do you. know,' says Ij •that; that grefen goods man hasn't a large family dependent upon his ex tortion*? It's you supposedly re spectable citizens who are always on the lookout to get something for nothing,' says-J, 'that support the lot- teries and /wildcat mines and stock' exchanges and wire tappers of this country. If it wasn't for you they'd, go out of business. , Thc^Tgreen goods man you was going.to rob/ says.. l, 'studied. maybe for*. years^.to learn his trade./ Every turn he makes he risks his money and liberty and maybe his life.- You come lup here all sanctified' and panoplied with respectability and a pleasing postoffice address to said \u25a0 another woman, with a - sigh of anticipation, and we all settled down to see'himdle. . '• .•'\u25a0:-•\u25a0.':• ,^-iHV. '' '"•*..' It was the hour or the smaJl boy, when indulgent ushers .opened wide . the portals to the waiting crowd, and every cranny of the -big theater was filled with expectancy. ~ "Say."; mum, air them, three front seats taken?" spoke a small voice at mj' elbow,' and ; 1 looked up _to see a mite* of a boy that could have hardly filled ; one-ninth of the /space he in quired about. T .hastened,' to assure him that ho was quite welcomo to the seat, next : to<mine., * "Good shoWj- isn't lt/'*l ventured, so ciably. ' ' J . \u25a0-<\u25a0*... "Yes, mm. 1 '- . Several attempts. on my part met the sarao lack of oxpansiveness.. Evidently he was .there to enjoy himself." not to minister tor my' deslro f> for seemg ..^ the Inner' workings l of L his mind. :. " -: "Say,,ye can see fine here, ; can't -yeT', he finally; remarked; and his tone ex pressed uncounted hours of -straining to^see under elbows- In the' back of the theater. PEB@^S» 1| 49 -'. --' ; The woman behind me had been pon dering^ the fate of Jesse in the mean time, and thirst for sensation had given place' to" sympathy. "". "Ain't It-a pity he has got, to die?" she said.;; , '"•* :\u25a0'\u25a0 -\u25a0..' ..Forgetting that^ he. had vowed ven-' gcance as long as grass does -grow' or ( water flow, the hero has .taken to his bosom; thej viper , that had flogged his mother, -and' this is >. the cause of his downfall.; Thesvillaln'and hisconfed erate .are , hiding behind ' the bedroom door, while the outlaw hero soliloquizes nobly on how he means to lead a new life and declares his intention of bring ing; up ;the: child sleeping, in Its v cradle as an \u25a0 honest 'man, the : nobles t : work of God. -'Untouched" byy these noble sen timents, 3 ;the ;_ villains make ready rto slay "him..; To'glve them- a chance he, turns -'his; back, on .them, "disregarding* the frantic r hissing by.vwhich his friends onthe;other«side"of thejfootlights seek to warn him Vof ; theiri presence. *. He then'proceeds.tojtake'oft his'pistol.* the symbolic act by which : he > signalizes his return "\u25a0 to ! the ; peacef ul ; lif e.- .;.. • F Breathlessly, 'the "audience , ' watches him commitH this foolish act. "Oh. see him: take-off; his; pistol," whispered Uhe woman ' behind \u25a0; me."; "Now they jvrlll ; get him.^ ",;Oh,* IrwißhI r wiBh \u25a0, he'd have" sense enoughsto »leave' ltjon."%- : • But* the deluded -hero .persists In hi 3 disarming.: He holds; the '/.'trusty; pal" in his hand and makes speeches "to It.. ;"Oh. don't take it off! Don't take^lt The San Francisco Sunday Call. swindle -him. If he gets the money you can squeal to the police. If you get it he hocks the gray suit to buy supper and says nothing. Mr. Tucker and me sized you up,* says I. 'and came. along to sec that you got what you deserved. Hand over the money/ says I, 'you grass fed hypocrite.' "I put the two thousand, which was all' in $20» bills, in my inside " 'Now get" out your watch,* says I to Murkison. 'No, I don't want it.' says I. 'Lay it. on the table and sit in that chair till it ticks off an hour. Then you can go. If you make any noise or leave any sooner we'll hand bill you all over Grassdale. I guess your high position there is worth more than $2,000 to you.' / "Then me and Andy left. 1 "On the train Andy was a long time silent.' Then he says: 'Jeff, <lo you mind my asking you a question?' -'Two,' says I, 'or forty.' "'Was that the idea you had,' says he, r whcn we started out with Murkison V " Why; certainly,' says' I. "What else could it have been? Wasn't it yours, too?* "In/ about half an hour Andy spoke again. I 'think there are time 3 when Andy don't exactly understand my system of ethics and moral hygiene. /"Jeff/ says he, 'some time when you have the leisure I wish you'd draw off a. diagram and footnotes of that conscience of yours. I'd like to have it to refer to occasionally.' " (Copyright, 1907, t>v 3. S. McClora Company) off. don't take off that pistol, you mutt!" screamed the woman behind me in an agony. Never "was woman's agony more wasted on man's stolidity. He recites one last speech to his friend, the pistol, then takes it off. touchingly laying tt down on the. edge of the cradle, where the future honest man is sleeping. . Then- he deliberately turns his back on. the UoOr where the star villain with a horrible scowl and a lear sneaks into the room. "Oh, can't you see him; can't you see him. coming?" cried Jesses . unheeded friend ' hysterically. No" use. Jess© gets on a chair an<* dusts a picture with a feather duster, and while he is engaged In this domes tic act. the villain enters and snuffs out his life. -Then, while ansrels are pre sumably hearing l^ h.is soul to heaven (according to -the 'code of morals of the melodramatic gloriner of outlawry >. Jesses brother is seen to get the par don'from the governor. . . • '"Ain't .It- &' pity, now?" said the woman. behind me. And with that w? all filed out \u25a0 Into the bright sunlight. r Ain't. lt a pity now — not that Jesse died, but that they did not all die, espe cially the playwright before-perpetrat ing such a thing on the public?. But/ then, \u25a0 where would have been the ecstasy of the small b.oy or the de lightful wallowing in tears .of the middle aged female behind me? The Queerest Patent CCTT HE queerest patent?" said the * I attorney. "Wejl, the queerest pat ent I know of was tbe patent of a hole. An old farmer out St. Louis way pat ented a hole, and. what is morot ha made a lo*t of money on it. Now, though, \u25a0 It, lsn't worth t&e" paper It Is written on. This farmer, one morning In the dim past went to wind his bijr silver . turnip, and found the key stuck full of dirt. : He tried to dig the dirt out with a pin. Xo so. , .;.".*Con»arn^ye,V he said. Til fix ye.* : "And. he drilled a hole in the key and with; a single breath blew out every bit of the dirt. He patented that hole. H» built a factory, bought millions of keys and; made * holes for them. His -plant turned 27,500 holes a day. « in fact, all •the " world used "\u25a0 the . farmer's v watch keys, which , were the only kind that would " keep clean, and : the otd fellow got -s rich." — New.; Orleazu Tlm»- Demo crat. • : \u25a0 -\u25a0 -.\u25a0\u25a0-.•