The San Francisco call. [volume], October 13, 1907, Page 2, Image 2

About The San Francisco call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913

Image provided by: University of California, Riverside; Riverside, CA

                
BUSY MISTER BURBANK
C. William Hawthorne
RNY regular newspaper writer knows that in« the
• - '\u25a0- \u25a0 -
later days of his greatness Luther Burbank, the
wizard of husbandry, or husband of wizardry,
which ever you prefer, is unapproachable to an
interviewer. Perhaps that is why The Sunday Call
commissioned me, a rank outsider, to go ug {o Santa
Rosa for the purpose of inquiring minutely Into what .
the cage of Petaluma avenue is doing. Although th*
Gunfiay editor had doubtless seen the terrifying "Keep
oS the grass" circulars whlcb^ Mr. fetirbahk's press
bureau had sent out. it Is also probable^ that he did hot
suppose he was risking my life or limb lh sending me
to Santa Rosa, for, no matter in what light the wiiard
may regard newspaper Interviewers, It is well known
that up to this time his murderous instincts have found
outlet purely in the annihilation of fruit pest*.
On the way ta Santa Rosa you pass through the
thriving little city of Petaluma. I learned that at one
time the city council had a huge sigh painted and
swung along the tide of the depot which read: "Peta
luma is the egz center of the universe." But with a
shipment of a million eggs a day the crates were plied
so high agalnfei the depot wills thai the sigh was lost
to view and there Seemed to be no need for It. So
the big sign was taken down and the lumber cut into
boards to make more h«hr heits. In Bupply'.nr the chief
Ingredient for your matutinal orheieit Petaittihs, cer
tainly beats ftie world. There is no Burbank breed of
chickens and there Is no direct charge that the wizard
has had anything to to with ii but when you find such
% natural, or unnatural, phenomena within 20 miles of
tb« laboratories, pens ihd gardens where Luther Bur
fc&sk makes all sorts of growing; things do 10 years'
\u25a0work In one, yoa begin to suspect that he is cot
ir&oonnected with all this henhouse activity, even
though it may be nothing more than a moral Influence.
In the reconstruction of beautiful Santa Rosa after
the disaster of April. 1905, tbi city officials found If
expedient, on account of the tremendously heavy travel,
to lay a double thickness of pavement along both arms
of the right angle formed by two certain streets. The
pavements which were thus resoled and Again half
s-eled lead from the California Kofthwestef n rail
road depot east along Fourth street and then south
across the creek bridge to the Burbank home on Peta- ;
Cuma arena*. Z learned that sbmft of the money for
this reinforcement of the street bed w^ts contributed
by a company which has ordered a hundred "Seeing
Santa Roea" automobiles' to ply between the trains
and the first outposts of heavy artillery on the deadline
out at the Burbank place.
Once I found a newpaper badge . quite sufficient to
gain me admittance to the president's private office In
the White House; on another occasion a politely written
request from an editor carried me into the ante
chamber of a king. I arrived thus doubly armed at the .
wizard's gate. When the sentry extended one hand" In
\u25a0warning, while with the other he reached significantly
toward a hidden weapon in a recess of his garments, I
gave him both barrels. My badge he declared no better .
than a dog license. He scanned the politely . written
request and remarked: "The fellow who ; give you this
Is the f oolishest I ever knew to hold any sort of _
editor's Job, on a newspaper." However, ; by rare j luck
I discovered that the brawny sentry^ wa»*tirßui£ alb, and
when I: had sighed him twice i found myself within
the double" bars of the gate and niy seemingly unpro
tected goal directly ahead- of me in the shape of a
modest cottage, which leaned against a conservatory
from which strange sounds came. Close by a gardener
was trundling a. lawn mower. Plainly It was through
Icrce of habit, for no sooner did the mower blade, nip
off one crass stalk than there appeared two long grass
•whiskers in Its place. '
In vain I looked for a bell button beside. the door.
There was none. All I could see was a : dandelion,
which seemingly was \ rooted in the door casing. 1*
waxed childish In my Irritation and blew the dandelion \u25a0
to pieces. Instantly a bell tinkled, within, and "while
I stood rooted in astonishment at beholding the dande
lion which I had blown to the breezes a moment beforo
Btill on duty on the old; stem and as good as new, -the
door opened and a secretary regarded me silently. His
cpeechlessness was not \ intentional rudeness. As I
learned, he was destitute of the sense of hearing, and
so conserved his words. At' the Burbahk. home they
have to kecp^ a secretary on , the , door: who , will be
deaf to all appealsvof .the merely curious to get '\u25a0 in.
Instantly I caw the predicament; which had' been pre
pared for visitors and Into which I had waiked. Also
I remembered that - my " ; credentials were ineffectual-
Aero. So I held out a five leaf clover. The deaf secre
t*ry £ld not know that I had plucked It from Bur-.
bank's own lawn as I came up the walk, hence he gave
me a smile meant for fc fellow wizard of his mister's
class and accepted the 1 extravagant little weed as my
fitting passport. / , -' : '\u25a0'... '\u25a0"-,'
In the recaption room I was turfied over to another
secretary, who could both hear and talk, but wha had
little time to do either. He demanded my business on
the Instant Still wagging my clover,, to which by thli s
time I had stuck a sixth leaf, *l l explain ied^ with the
gravity of a man of science that ft was necessary that
I ask Mr. Burbank a few brief questions. •\u25a0 !
"What are your questions? - Tell "me ftilly/' hi de
manded. ' .v ' : " ';;':•:;;;"\u25a0 . i \u0084--'\u25a0' ''J
Having feared ah attack of tongub failufe when face
to fac* witif genius, I had Written- my sit modest
queries oh a sheet of paper, "the stcretary: snatched \u25a0
the sheet from me, fan ' over it \. as '- \t he \u25a0 khe# - f ts ;
contents by heart, and then marked humefais opposite \k
each question. "Here," he sa,id, . and > seated . me ' at - ft;
desk agaihit a : wall of - the room: ;At th« b'acic ; of .thi)
desk I noted a sea of Ivory buttons, <aeh numbered;
and abdve them a Email aperture in the wall. - "Priuii
your buttons," said the^secretary, and returned to fals"
own desk, apparently my presence. / /
I was impatient see, Burbank, bui I thought it y
best to solve the fiddle before' me flrsL. The s^ef*iafy^
had numbered my first question 12,884. .' My eye caught
that number on one of 'ihi buttons. Good! I began to
uhaeritahd. i ihduld pfeif that bUtibn "Apd Jl£r."Btif
baiik from within - th* -^flv£t« room would answer \u25a0
through the tiny dpertiire. ' I got my'notibdok ready
and read dyer the Question: >• .' ~" .
'li ii itixi that you hay« a spineless baetus
for cattle food, so thai the"- desert* become great
cattle ranches, and if so, how did yaii do It?*'
Then I gave button 12,384 a good squeeze. There was
a sound as of some one clearing his- throat and a
.voice came through the tiny opening: "Sure I've done
it. There were ; two ways *to fatten cattle . on desert
cactus. One was to flfl the bovine* s itdmactffull of ah
acid that would biirh the spines off ttie ca&us / and
prepare it for digestion, but the acid would- also burn
but the beast's stomach; unless the stomach was first
lined with lead, _ and lead is bo dreadfully expensive.
So I did the other thing: I grew a big thorny cactus in
my hothouse end then' pulled, its 7* spinel. { When the;;
Bplhes grew_ out again I vent at them l with forceps
once more. ;.You know a man only puts butitwd sets Of
teeth in a lifetime, and even 'a cactus gets discouraged
after' too much dentistry. When, the cactiis was air in
on the spine question I took slips from It, grew other
epineless cacti from them, and now the hiifsefy will
fill .your order, |9.80 per carload, f. b. r b. : . Try tin ii oh
K your cow." - • . ;
ThS iroici diftd away, a^4 I asked, nStffSm my qtie*-:
'.'Corollary : ;\u25a0 tA; slipf from a: perfect Ham and -egg bush feraf te<l upon a bread fruit tree "should- produce a crop : of sandwiches "
tl6n sheet: "But j how/ many eaetljmust a desert cow
Consume to become porterhouse steak?" : ; • >
''\u25a0\u25a0.iTiere wiu no tnsffir and 1 'feitj htlfV I rtputtld
; the f: question.' Th«n i * sqqjsezed button If, BB* afatn.
Another clearing of the throat and th* Tdlc« b*»ftn:
"Sure i"i'T« d«n« it. There were two way* to fatten
cattte— "- "\u25a0' • .' r _"x '"."'..V- 'r- ''\u25a0'"- '.'\u25a0\u25a0 \u25a0'\u25a0'\u25a0: "'.**'-'\u25a0 i!'i-) ' \u25a0 '
!'HoM«on ( " I cried, "you have already iftiweredthrt
question, and you are taking .up font ,i ' ff*cidiai j^tilWi'^
; needlessly.", ;^ ' I ;'#*nt \ through the > Wkdl« , >«rt df«t4iiee ;
again, - and when', that 'came answer wa§ eomln* at me |
throuffh the hele In the wall for th« thtrd ilrne I got
\u25a0up In Indignation and wtnt after .the i«er«tar*# #hot«
\u25a0nos* was burled In. 4 re«ord h« wa» thakict i» it .
••enormous boolt \u25a0\u0084.\u25a0.'.>,.'"--\u25a0 •\u25a0 ' '\u25a0 ".' \u25a0 -'^ " .•- . *.v/-:'
s "Please ask Mr. Burbank not to Jolly ***,? t T4*i**UHL
' politely. " . "fie ' has antwered \ the same question ? ihfm '
\u25a0 times.': «nd wbn't 'answer ' another perfedtly Aeoent .
\u25a0query.".',' \u0084 . T .*' \u25ba\u25a0 : - >'"-,^ * ' -
"Which question did you ask n6xtf detnande^ ' iM
secretary briskly, plcklns; up my question sheet.
"it ' isn't »to« tf f ; those," ; f answered. "It wai i ques
tion I actually composed on the epot. M ,
\u25a0'r.vid!otr','«ald the secretary.' "Don't you know you can
-only' set answers t>y" numbers." '
"And when an ignorant hired man took a bite
v bf tn€ fruit it turned him wrong side out '*
"But Mr/ Bufbahk ihbuld fchbw— 1 *
\'-'rPii.&\ iiuriank dbesfri even kntr# ydii 4re here—
jirobabliT h« ; doesn't \u25a0 khb#, liiy of us Ar« h«r*.- He Is
in thi , cdnsefvatbry ; laboratofiP, at 'w'ttfK.'V ' - ; \u25a0
\u25a0 "Bui hi did answeV S(y;flrji{ qtiMtidn.*; , :
•'Thi.phonbgfaph ahsHffefdd yduf flrsi Question," said
the secretary impatiently. itfppbse genius has
time to stick around his office answering questions for
idiots? He answered* ail" possible question^ into a
phonograph a year ago so that he might hare time to
go oh developing a aheiiess peanut and s.h edible
bullfrog that is i ail hind 1 le;ls^'^. " v
m biscduraged but determineA^i ,*eht back to the but
,t<rhi tin the .wall. My . secoif^wfiHlii.question read:
"ii.li true" that you have taken the ginger out of the
g'bdseb^rry id ." that \it miy : be • put i iiito a pie dry
arid stlli hot be "able to bite ydttWnfin yoti try to
eat ii?" * \ '>V ."' ' "" '.
'\u25a0''\u25a0 Bottoh 6,678 brought the answer: "A schboibdy; could
have done It. -Yob get a lemon, graft it tipon the goose*
berry bush, and lth'e acidity dij.thi .parent plant .wars
with the acidity 6f the noxious iritfodutiidn until they
: both give It up. Result: You pliick a sweet gooseberry.;
Once, though, I glued my graft: td, a, gooseberry'^bush
upon which I hadl previously graf'wdAn ear of corn,
and the result wets a fruit that pasted • like lemonade
with a stick inJit OnS;fey Jrl ftift i infused the life
of a dozen lemons into the trunk o£ a quince tree, and
' when,«.h?Jf nofirli nitedVffian'tbbk a felt*. bf thS fruit it
tiifned !i"liii<Ti'i i ofi§;Si3«'iStit'?/j'if-V;'
\u25a0 At iength,> having 7 Secured : . ah . Interesting answer : to
eieh df my questidns, • 1 ' fc^sldtight' th« : secretary agaihl
"' -'\u25a0' - .\u25a0\u25a0-\u25a0-•*;'•\u25a0/- »•:-\u25a0 \u25a0\u25a0'\u25a0' " ." .'\u25a0-. -^ \u25a0-.••\u25a0 r-sw-- .
* rhirti fitf tipd'ti tn« great mail himself. Probably
thtekffli h# r&ignt b« rfd of me quicWai by cdmjlyin*;
th«"i*Bcretary *t l<it agreed to conduct mi la fir* toh
'.tervitory;-'••-.".' '\u25a0-}:.. v . -.'
•Tftut ybfi must prbmfs* not to \u25a0speak td hlin *•# t«l 46
anything to distract hf» cpncentraOori ffora hi* wtfrtt. v
Also you must not get in the way of the stenographers."
"Whit it* ihi »len6irfiiphef» doinif
" "Tbitii ice?' \u25a0'\u25a0: ' : ':, : \u25a0''' '
Ai we prdc««ded down the long hallway w* pasted
ah open door arid in* spacious chimber t i*W half *>
ddieh stokers/bart* to tne'.waist, shoveling tft^ itrangest
sort of fuel into a hug* furnace. At fecit of s) db*«i
windows opening upcra the lawiS stood -». trhlfofmed
mail carrier emptying bais of Utiii mall info th» room.
IThe; stokers had Ao work hard to keep from being
buried under the pll# of letters. ..
"What's this r' : \u25a0"' \u25a0>-. , : \u25a0
. "The daily. disposal of the mail." answered the secre
tary; wearily.'; "They are jburnlng the tons and tons of
letters ; that'! come to Mr. Burbank \u25a0 from ail over the
world." -^
••What! You don't even read the letters that cornel"
"Don^t be silly! How could we' open 40.000 dozen let
ters a day. It's really of no moment. - Mr. Burbarik's
friends and all the scientists have been given the tip
to communicate with him only by wireless. Of course.
It is i>y a private code, and all such messages are
received ""out on the roof of the barn and are duly
considered and even answered when that cdnhbr.be
avoided. As for these tons and tons of letter* they
are merely the ".turnings of curious and unscientific
persons like yourself.'' »'
In the conservatory, whose door swung through the^
arch made by two graceful tomato trees, we beheld a
strange sight, "though 'doubtless to me" alone was it
unusual.": "A hundred rrien were 'In. there- 1 — so many jnen
that they,: had a hard time keeping, off the grass and
flowers and at the same time keeping off each other.
The wizard I recognized on the Instant. I had eaten
eyeless "-Burbank potatoes so long that 2 knew who was
who almost without , looking. The'| great man was
bending over a tender green < plant gfow^S ih a bed °f
?scie'ntiflcaiiy \ f ertliized 'earth. A ilhe of men In rubber
shoes," .whom I recognized l as duly constituted assistants
by the red cross v updn,tiie arm, were continually
fetching bits of something to the wizard from a side
room, and whenever, the door ; of < that' room opened I
caught^ sounds ; whiclf my bucolic training enabled me
)to analyze as ; the muffled .^aueaiing of a pig. : But more
interesting than the, double, line of 'assistants: was the
larger number of : men, -' also noiselessly shod in gum,
• who, with;notebook in. one hand and fountain .pen in*
the other, hovered-. v about the v wiz like a flying wedge
\u25a0 In' football .waiting, for the < ball ' to be snapped back.
The San Francisco Sunday CalL
"Wljo are all those fellows V I asked the secretary In
* ftlnt whisper. ,'.** "-iv
"These srf* tft« stenographers," he answered, hold-
In* hi» ifp* id tAf •«. "You see, a big eastern publish-
Ins house is to bring Cut * hurfdred volumes on Mr.
Burbanfc'9 achievements. Of course, he has no time to*
write the matter; he hasn't even time to dictate It
systematically. Our contract with the publisher binds
us merely to permit the army of shorthand men to hans
* around Mr. Burbahk all flay and catch the chanca
flashes of genius as they fall from his lips. Of course,
they are not allowed to break his train of thought by
speaking jko him. In fact, he probably Is not aware
that they are present. They are very. intent on catch-
Ing every word, because they get a stated amount for
each syllable they are able to turn In to the publisher.
Some of the more energetic stenographers sit under the
open window of his bedroom all night on the chance
that he may say something in his sleep."
Across the conservatory and watching Burbank's
face I saw the deaf undersecretary who had admitted
me to the house. Oddly enough, he also had notebook
and pen.
I "TVhy.'i I whispered, "does* the dummy come here
with a notebook? He can't hear a word!" . **+'<&
"No,". answered the secretary, "he can't hear, but like
many deaf persons he is an expert -lip reader. Some
times Mr. \Burbank's exclamations are Inaudible and
then dummy scores a scoop over all the other reporters
and he gets" si fat bounty from the publisher for that."
The wizard straightened up with a tired expression
on his face. His lips moved. He spoke. It was no
scoop for dummy — we all heard: "Gee! but It tires a
fellow's back to bend over so long."
t' Instantly 70 fountain pens in the hands of 70 stenog
raphers scratched hieroglyphics upon 70 notebooks. In
due time that remark may appear upon page 731 of
volume 37.
I tackled the, riddle of the assistants who were trot
ting back and forth between the wizard and the room of
the squealing pig. Each assistant carried a pair of
pincers and .when he reached the wizard. • Burbank
with his own pincers took an . almost Invisible some
thing from the pincers of the assistants. The red cross
men seemed to be supplying their chicf \u25a0 with short
lengths of fine wire. As -the wizard received each little
wire he dipped -it Into an albumen solution and then
deftly grafted It upon the tender green plant growing
In the bed by thrusting one end of the little wire Into
the soft stalk. \u25a0 . • • V
"What kind of a plant fir that?" I asked tne secretary.
"It Is an ordinary garden eggplant." \u25a0
"But, why the deuce Is he stlcklns it full of wire* 7'
\u25a0 j "Those areinot wires." . ,
\u0084 "What the mischief are they, thiaj"
"They are tidg bristles, stupid."
"Hog bristles: What on earth Is he -trying to pro
duce by grafting hog bristles upon an eggplant?"
The secretary regarded me with pity unconcealed.
"Don't you know what Theorem 359,321 is to produce?"
he* asked. •
"I admit I'm •ah r ignoramus. Tell me quick!** I
exclaimed. :=: =
But alas, In my, excitement I had spoken aloud. The
wizard had heard and his train o* thought was broken.
He gazed at me intently. There was no wrath in his
look, just a something that so smote upon my con
science that I fled from the conservatory In tears.
• When ] I had regained my composure the consuming
desire to know about Theorem 359.321 returned. Oh. I
must know, what hog bristles upon an eggplant would
develop. Maybe the secretary would come out and
ease my burning Ignorance. But he did not come. An
hour I waited— two hours. The sun was sinking when
I tiptoed into the deserted reception room. Eagerly I
scanned each of the; buttons above the Inquiry desk.
There was no such number as 359,321. Foiled! But.
hold! I ran over to the big book In which the secretary
had been writing. "Record of L. B.s Theorems" It
was labeled. Feverishly I ran 'through the intermin
able pages. At last I found it. and. l. read; ,
? '"Theorem" 359,321— -If taken In the full of the moon,
the untrlrirmed bristles of a live Berkshire pig grafted
upon a California eggplant will develop a perfect ham
and egg;busiu , ' -
"Corollary— A slip from a perfect ham «.nd egg bush
grafted upon a bread fruit tree should produce a crop
of sandwiches."
In' triumph I copied the entries and left the house.
At the barred gate the sentry was wrangling with a
couple 'of whose drays were piled high with
substantial, packing cases.
-"For the . last \u25a0 time i tell you that we-recelve no
goods here after sundown." the sentry was saving' with
an air of finality. ."Cdmelback with It tomorrow, and
maybe I'll , let you chuck ' it on the lawn if the . secre
tary Is ' willing", but "'you can't get it in tonight."
; , "Then we'll 'chuck the stuff ; into the creek." ' retorted
onejof the angry, draymen^
"Chuck away," said Uhe ; sentry, and l turned his back
-^to^shbw. that the incident ; /was closed.
"What ha'v« they got^ln those, big, cases?" I asked.
.•'European:; specimens for Mr. Burbank?"
•\u25a0Naw.'V^thi.-sentrVj.ansVered. /'lt's nawthln* but
•i money. It's th« monthly Installment \u25a0of - the Carnegie
fund "and" these fellows ire trying to butt it In" her*
.akainstthtrule*.**^ " '..."V-:".'"'