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The San Francisco Sunday Call
FUN'S TABLOID THRILLER Foiled 'Em! "Mary." queried the mistress of the house, "did that sugar bucket so the ants could not in?" ">ure. rnfim," answered the domestic, who was new. "1 took the handle off the cover." ° Wrong Fuel see you have an immense amount of hay," observed trie visitor to Clover Farm. "Yu-as," replied Farmer Redneck, "but there ain't a thing to feed it to but auto iies." To Him — Yes queried young Bobby, . visitation mean the thing as a visit?" • times, Bobby. For in when your grand mother'visits its for a month, that is a visitation." A Handicap young Spouter is going to enter the ministry? I uldn't think he would suc ceed in that calling." "Why not?" "Why, being deaf, bow is be going to hear the calls to the ' 'larger fields of labor?' " Didn't Practice What He Preached The following announcement recently appeared in an English paper: " "The lecture on 'How to Be Always Healthy,' announced for -.cuing at the Town hall, can not be delivered, owing to the fact that the lecturer is confined to his bed_with a severe attack nt." •• " g A St. Valentine's Rebus Here is another rebus rhyme. If you read it you will learn how Cupid makes use oi St. Valentine's day to —well, read it and find out for The Aim of the Anarchist "It'-s perfectly disgraceful!" she exciaimed. "What's the matter?" inquired her husband. 0 "Here's a description of a woman who gets up in public and declares herself an anarchist." "Well," was the rejoinder, "maybe it's all for the best. I ieve I'd like to see women crowd the males out of the anarchist When they throw bombs they wouldn't be so likely to •dy." Worked Both Ends "Ah, there, Harafatter, 1 haven't seen you for an age. Still on the stage?" "You bet! And say, I'm simply coining money now. I've taken my brother into partnership." "Why. ! thought your brother couldn't act?" "lie can't. 1 do the acting and he sells the eggs." NEZAH NILKNOC CHAPTER I Terence, tire Terrible Traffic Cop, loved~Stephanie, the Stun ning Stenographer. In this he was not alone. He had a deadly rival. It was Charlemag'ie Chortle, the chief clerk of the concern for which Stephanie worked on the fourteenth floor of the Screecher building. Charlemagne chortled because he apparently had the inside track. But came a day.when he was put on a switch. Terence polished up his star and brass buttons, and Stephanie, after due reflection, declared in favor of Terence. "At last, I have copped the prize," gleefully sang the uni formed winner. CHAPTER II A was being lowered from the sixteenth Poor, via the outside route. Terence watched the operation with idle inter est —about 3 per cent interest, to be exact. Forth from her daily routine stepped Stephanie, unmindful of the menace that hung high overhead. A figure leaned from a window on the fourteenth floor. It was Charlemagne Chortle. ".Aha, me proud beauty," he hissed, brandishing a knife, "at last*] have you in me power!" The knife descended upon the straining cable. It parted. The safe began hurtling madly down upon the unsuspecting Stephanie, who had stopped below to wave, to Terence. But Terence, he of the eagle eye, saw the dire destruction dashingly descending. He must save Stephanie: How? Quickly there flashed into his fertile mind a plan. •'Aha: Oho: Eeheer he ejaculated. "I will stop the swift falling safe by arresting its motion." •in the name of the law" he began, and then the safe stopped and hung poised in midair. Stephanie was saved. She swooned in Terence's arms. CHAPTER 111 But meanwhile, not stopping to watch the execution of his horrible plan, Charlemagne had left his window, caught the ■ elevator down and rushed to the entrance of the building to gloat. But there was nothing to gloat over. * He looked aloft to where the safe hung suspended far above his head. At the same moment Terence saw him. "Now.'' thought Terence," swift shall be my vengeance.'' He addressed himself to the safe and put on a parcel post stamp. "You are hereby released from custody," he thundered. Instantly the safe resumed its swift descent. Charlemagne, unable to leap in time from the danger (To be continued, maybe.) Hush, Child! "Jones seems put out over that mining proposition; why?" "Because he was taken in, 1 reckon." , Courtesy "Can yi >v tell mc." said the good natured old gentleman, "why those golfers over, there called me all those" frightful names just now?" "Why. wh a t happened?'' "Oh, when they hit their ball over lucre I picked it up and "threw it back to them to save them the trouble of coining for it." To Make Sure "Billy." said Charley, "ought a chap to kiss a girl before he proposes or after.'" "If there's any chance of his hems; rejected, he'd better kiss her before," replied Billy. Bright Boy "How old are you, Johnnie.'" asked the teacher. "Six," was the laconic reply. "And when were you six?" "On me last birthday." Miss Betty and Her Clothes Here is Miss Betty and her pretty clothes for you to cut out. You fit on her dresses by bending back the tabs at the shoulders. By cutting her hats along the dotted lines you can fit them nicely on her head. HOUSEHOLD GOSSIP HAZEN CONKLIN Boxing matches are enthusiastically attended of late. Last night Kid Brimstone punched the head off Slugger Sulphur. There will be an exhibition parlor match next week. Mr. Carpet said he was completely floored the other day when he heard that Grandfather Clock was feeling all run down. Messrs. Sachet, Cologne & Co. have been declared insol vent. They have not a scent*left. The court appointed Mr. Telephone receiver. Mr. Bread has been left a considerable legacy by the death of his rich uncle, the yeast cake king. It was his uncle who helped him to rise in the world. He says he will now loaf for a while. "The dough was needed," he says, "and I'm just crusty enough to hang on to it. I'm no half baked individual." Solutions to Last Week's Puzzles The capitals in last week's Cut Up Capitals Puzzle are: Albany, N. V.; Boston, Mass.; Concord, N. H.; x\ugusta, Me.; Trenton, N. J.; Annapolis, Md.; Dover, Del.; Hartford, Conn.; Richmond, Va.; Columbus, O. The names of the countries in the Geography Lesson Ana gram Puzzle are: Lent wizards, Switzerland; my range, Germany; 11 bears, Siberia; hay. rung, Hungary; can idle, Iceland; tied at sunset, United States; air gale, Algeria; lend nag, England; an ingrate, Argentina. The rhymed rebus reads: It is not hard at any time just to set your words in verse, But to write a rebus rhyme is a task that's ten times worse, While to read the thing when done is a job much harder yet. Try to figure out this one and you'll think so too, I'll bet. The answers to today's puzzles will be given in next week's FUN. The Exact Location It doesn't always pay a lawyer to be stern with the oppos ing witnesses when cross-examining them. They are often as clever as the attorney, and the following anecdote illus trates how one witness "put one over" on a bright young me categorically. You say you live next door to the i defendant?" I "To the north of him?" "To the south?" "To the west, then?" "No." "All," said the lawyer sar- j castically, "at last we are j likely to get down to one j real fact. You live to the of him, do you?" j "How is that, sir?" said j the astonished attorney. "You say you live next door I to him, yet you live neither j to the east, west, south nor north. What do you mean \ were incompetent to lorm the impression that we live in a flat," said the witness, "but I must inform you that he lives next door above me." REVISED TO DATE "Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm going to Washington, sir," she said. "Wherefore to Washington, my pretty maid?" "For' Votes for Women, sir," she said. My name is Cupid Valentine, I pose in wintry weather, | And artists call me Trilby 'cause I pose "the altogether." Stumped In a recent debate at the Wichita high school the woman suffrage amendment was under discussion. "It would be unwise to give women the ballot," declared a budding Daniel Webster to attacking the proposition. "Woman could not be relied upon to exercise good judgment in voting. She changes her mind far too often." The next speaker was a young woman. She arose and cast a pitying glance at her opponent. "I would like to ask my honorable opponent," she cooed sweetly, "if he ever tried to change a woman's mind once it was made up." The young woman got the decision. —Kansas City Journal. Come On—Let's Take a Trip to Funtown! Here is a picture of Funtown. Funtown is a very busy place, and the 10 buildings in the fc ground are some of Funtown's busiest buildings. The artist was told to letter their names on their roofs, but he was thinking of something else, and although in each case he printed all the letters in the names of the buildings, he so mixed them up that they spelled something else. For instance, instead of spelling "postoffice" on one roof, he spelled "off poetics." But what are t' c other buildings whose names he misspelled? Solution in next week's FUN. That Choir "Mrs. Larkin," retnarked the minister, "we wish you would let your daughter join the choir." "Oh, I couldn't think of it!" replied Mrs. Lar kin. "She has a sweet disposition, and I don't * want her to become quarrelsome." When Mary Ellen at her tub Receives a loving line, I whisper low in Marys ear: "John sent that valentine." "Papa," asked Freddie, "what is the difference between taking an oath and uttering one?" "Ifinm! Well, my son," his - father answered, "a politician takes an oath when he goes in! office. He utters one when he leaves it." And when I come the poet grips His pen and tears his hair. And writes a sugar coaled "pome" Unto his lady fair. A Practical Query My little boy stood open mouthed while a friend elaborated the details of a sudden death. The patient had not been considered very seriously ill, and his nurse entered, bringing a baked potato for which the sick man had expressed a wish. "But," said my friend, "before he had tasted of it he died." I deprecated the sadness of such, a recital before the child, but I need not have feared. His baby voice piped out, "And what became of the potato?"— Harper's Magazine. "And did you have a pleasant crossing?" asked the hostess. "We did—very," was the answer. "You were not ill, I hope?" asked the hostess, turning to the A Broken Heart To Mend Poor Charlie's heart is broken. A young man whose heart is' broken, especially wdien it is broken into six pieces, is in a very melancholy condition. Do you suppose you can put it 'together again for him and make him happy once more? Cut Out each piece and try to fit them all together so that they will form a heart. If you are unsuccessful in your efforts to mend Charlie's heart for him, look for the solution to this puzzle in next week's FUN. It Was a Canny Bluff A sad looking man entered the shanty where the workmen were eating their lunches. He was holding a red can. "Hey, fellers," he saluted them, "look at this can o' powder I picked up outside. I've a mind to blow meself up." "Aw, cut out that stuff and beat it out of here," ordered the foreman. The ntan looked around, then walked deliberately over to»thf stove, opened the door and thrust the can inside. There was a yell of dismay and in a moment the shanty wai empty. Ten minutes later the runaways returned. The can was harmlessly on the fire and the sad looking man was gone. So were their lunch pails. Doubt/ess And when I chase the skating girl In Cupid's usual dress. The cold compels me to regret My hapless "Trilbyness."