The San Francisco call. [volume], March 09, 1913, Image 9

About The San Francisco call. [volume] (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913

Image provided by: University of California, Riverside; Riverside, CA

                
The San Francisco Sunday Call
TO FUN'S MARCH GIRL
Wild-Leathered
March, your V
maddest swirl
Waltz music makes for
this gay girl.
Then He Paid His Fare
•"Fares, please.' .
But the passenger on top of the Fifth avenue motor bus gave
"Fares, please." This time a little louder.
Still was the passenger oblivious.
"By the ejaculatory term 'fare,'" said the conductor, "I imply
no reference to the state of the weather, the complexion of the
admirable blonde you observe in the contiguous seat, nor even to
the quality of service vouchsafed by this philanthropic corpora
tion. I merely allude, in a manner perhaps lacking in delicacy
but not in conciseness, to the monetary obligation set tip by your
presence in this conveyance, and suggest that, without contemper
ing your celebrity with enunciation, you immediately proceed to
liquidate or"
.4 Hint
A little boy
who was nearly
starved by a
stingy uncle (his
guardian\ with
whom he lived,
meeting a lank
greyhound in the
street, was asked
by the guardian
what made the
dog so thin. After
reflecting, the lit
tle fellow replied:
"I suppose he
lives with his
uncle." '
*7 just wonder rvhai they charge for one of
them closed."
Sized Up
"Do you know," said Cholly, "I always used to overestimate
my abilities."
"Well, never mind," she replied, consolingly, "your friends
never did."
"Money on call.*'
"Oh, John," began Mrs. Browne, "I have just received a letter
from mamma saying that she is out of danger."
"Xo!" replied poor John. "Well, you might have broken the
news gently to me."
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF SIGNS
FUN
That's So
"I'm sorry,
madam," said the
floorwalker, "but
it's against the
rules of the house.
We can not ex
change those
goods again."
"But my hus
band doesn't like
them."
"Well, why not
exchange your
husband?"
Shocked
Why Worry?
"Bills never seem
to worry you."
'"Why should
they? They worry
the men who pre
sent them quite
enough without
making me un
happy too."
• Shrewd
"What? Engaged
to four girls at
once ? Why, how
are j-ou going to
get out of it?"
"Oh, that's dead
easy. I just go and
ask their fathers'
consent."
He Did
"Speak to me,"
she pleaded, strok
ing his head and
gazing earnestly
into his deep brown
eyes, "please speak
to me."
"Bow-wow!" he
barked.
Accounted Por
"Were there
many at the ball?"
"Yes, the place
was crowded. It
v. as a private af
fair, you know."
Household Hint
When a burglar
asks the conun
drum, "Where's
your money?" it
is generally the
wisest plan to give
it up.
/nap be due
today —
1 omorroiv, hearts n'i/
blov> her tvay.
The Miser
"Here," said Teddy's papa,
showing the little boy a
coin, "is a penny 300 years
old. It was given to me
when I was a little boy."
"Gee whiz!' , ejaculated
Teddy, "just think of any
body being able to keep a
penny as long as that with
out spending it.' ,
A Mistake
"Yes, sir," said the re.il
estate agent, "I can recom
mend this place to you. Xo
malaria, chills unknown.
Healthiest locality in the
state."
"Guess we can't do busi
ness, then," replied the
prospective tenant; "I'm a
doctor."
ORDER OF PROCESSION
I—The Anolent and Honorable
Artillery Company of BuQvllle
2-Bugvine State Militia
3H3uovtlle Insect War
Veterans
4—Bugvllle Suffragettes
s—Bugvlile Eoy Scouts
B—Bugville Naval Reserves
7—Bugvllle Antl-Suffraoettes
B—Bugvllle Brass Band
o—Bugville Marching Club
How the Sun Put One
Over on the March Wind
[The Fable's in Verse, but the Pictures
Are Worse]
HAZEN CONKLIN
A fable handed down to us
From days now gone to seed,
Tells how the March Wind raised a fuss
To blow the jacket off a cuss,
■ But failed to do the deed.
He blew his lungs 'most inside out,
But all to no avail.
The chap just drew his coat about
Himself some tighter. Put to rout.
The March Wind sobbed: "I fail!"
Whereat, the Sun, with winning smile,
Came forth and got his goat.
So charmingly; did he beguile
That in a vert? little while
The gink had shed his coat.
Right here a moral we can point
And well adorn this tale:
Don't blow yourself quite out of joint
When with a smile you can anoint
The knots in trouble's tail!
Stung
"What on earth are you
bellowing so hard about,
Freddy?"
"Daddy whipped me."
"Well, what if he did?
You've been whipped "be
fore, and the occasion
doesn't call for such heart
rending grief."
"But he w-w-w-whipped
me with a s-s-s-switch cut
from a Christmas t-t-trec."
Particular
"Why don't you want to
go to Dr. Tabernacle's
church, dear?" said Mr.
Hicks.
"Because I don't care to
associate with that class of
people," replied Mrs.
Hicks. "The last time I
went he told them they
were all poor miserable
sinners."
"There tvas an art
ful jam at that bargain
sale today, dear."
"So I observed. Your
pockctboofy is crushed
flat"
Her Impression
"The immensity of nature strikes every one with
the same awed feeling."
"No, it doesn't. I took a girl to the circus once,
and she told me she thought the hippopotamus
was cute."
INAUGURATION
DAY in BUGVILLE
Vacate" .-C3-
On the Street
"Well, good day,
Charles," said Sly
boy at parting;
"drop in and see me
some time when
you haven't anything
else to do."
"Thanks; but "I'm
always busy."
"Yes"; I knew you
were."
No Strike
"When you mar
ried me, Phoebe
Jane, you seemed to
think I was a pretty
good match."
"I did. And you've
never once kindled a
fire for me from that
day to this.' .
No Difference
"Why, old man, I
didn't Know that she
positively refused
you."
"It amounted to
the same thing. She
said she was willing
to wait until I could
support her."
No Fasting
''Xo sir-ee,' , said
Uncle Sheepskin,
''yeou don't ketch
me takin" a fast train
right threw tew Chi
cargey; I kin dew
without most any
thing else on the
keers except catin'."
No, He Wasn't Balky
A farmer had a horse he was anxious to sell, and one day
while driving with one of his neighbors the horse stopped so
frequently as to lead the neighbor to ask:
"What ails your horse that he stops so often? Is he
balky?"
"Xo," replied the farmer, "he's all right. It's simply he's
so afraid somebody will say 'Whoa' and he won't hear it that
he stops to listen."
"HURRAH, FELLERS! SIGNS OF SPRING AT LAST!"
• The Same Old Story
Tramping de Luxe
"Please gimme a nickel, mister?" said the tramp.
"I never give money to beggars on the street," replied the
haughty pedestrian.
"Oh, dats all right," said the hard luck victim. "Here's one
uv me cards; youse kin call at me office an' leave your contribu
tion wid me bookkeeper."
Couldn't
"Do you think that hob
ble skirts have any ad
vantage over wide ones?' ,
he inquired.
"I do not know," she
replied. "I never wore
them that way."
Sweet Home
"I suppose," said Mr.
Newman to the apartment
house janitor, "that if I
hire this flat and pay the
rent T'll be allowed to
sleep in it when I am
tired."
"Well, yes," replied the
janitor, haughtily, "pro
vided you don't snore."
Anyhow, They Get There
"Mamma," said little Elsie, "do men ever go to heaven?"
"Why, of course, my dear. What makes you ask that?"
"Because I never see any pictures of angels with whiskers."
"Well," said the mother thoughtfully, "some men do go to
heaven, but they get there by a close shave."
They Wanted to Know
"My brodders," said a waggish colored man to a crowd, "in
all inflictions, in all ob your troubles, dar is one place you can
always find money and sympathy."
"Whar? Whar?" shouted several.
"In de dictionary," he replied, rolling his eyes skyward.
"Whar'd you git dat chicken, A/oseP"
"Skuze me, Mandy; I can't tell a lie an I don wanler
commit myself."
Not There
"This is the only trouble
I e/cr got into," r-aivi the
suburbanite as his neigh
bors drew him, wet anJ
shivering, from a cistern,
"ih.it didn't have a woman
at the bottom of it."