Newspaper Page Text
The San Francisco Sunday Call
TO FUN'S MARCH GIRL Wild-Leathered March, your V maddest swirl Waltz music makes for this gay girl. Then He Paid His Fare •"Fares, please.' . But the passenger on top of the Fifth avenue motor bus gave "Fares, please." This time a little louder. Still was the passenger oblivious. "By the ejaculatory term 'fare,'" said the conductor, "I imply no reference to the state of the weather, the complexion of the admirable blonde you observe in the contiguous seat, nor even to the quality of service vouchsafed by this philanthropic corpora tion. I merely allude, in a manner perhaps lacking in delicacy but not in conciseness, to the monetary obligation set tip by your presence in this conveyance, and suggest that, without contemper ing your celebrity with enunciation, you immediately proceed to liquidate or" .4 Hint A little boy who was nearly starved by a stingy uncle (his guardian\ with whom he lived, meeting a lank greyhound in the street, was asked by the guardian what made the dog so thin. After reflecting, the lit tle fellow replied: "I suppose he lives with his uncle." ' *7 just wonder rvhai they charge for one of them closed." Sized Up "Do you know," said Cholly, "I always used to overestimate my abilities." "Well, never mind," she replied, consolingly, "your friends never did." "Money on call.*' "Oh, John," began Mrs. Browne, "I have just received a letter from mamma saying that she is out of danger." "Xo!" replied poor John. "Well, you might have broken the news gently to me." THE SIGNIFICANCE OF SIGNS FUN That's So "I'm sorry, madam," said the floorwalker, "but it's against the rules of the house. We can not ex change those goods again." "But my hus band doesn't like them." "Well, why not exchange your husband?" Shocked Why Worry? "Bills never seem to worry you." '"Why should they? They worry the men who pre sent them quite enough without making me un happy too." • Shrewd "What? Engaged to four girls at once ? Why, how are j-ou going to get out of it?" "Oh, that's dead easy. I just go and ask their fathers' consent." He Did "Speak to me," she pleaded, strok ing his head and gazing earnestly into his deep brown eyes, "please speak to me." "Bow-wow!" he barked. Accounted Por "Were there many at the ball?" "Yes, the place was crowded. It v. as a private af fair, you know." Household Hint When a burglar asks the conun drum, "Where's your money?" it is generally the wisest plan to give it up. /nap be due today — 1 omorroiv, hearts n'i/ blov> her tvay. The Miser "Here," said Teddy's papa, showing the little boy a coin, "is a penny 300 years old. It was given to me when I was a little boy." "Gee whiz!' , ejaculated Teddy, "just think of any body being able to keep a penny as long as that with out spending it.' , A Mistake "Yes, sir," said the re.il estate agent, "I can recom mend this place to you. Xo malaria, chills unknown. Healthiest locality in the state." "Guess we can't do busi ness, then," replied the prospective tenant; "I'm a doctor." ORDER OF PROCESSION I—The Anolent and Honorable Artillery Company of BuQvllle 2-Bugvine State Militia 3H3uovtlle Insect War Veterans 4—Bugvllle Suffragettes s—Bugvlile Eoy Scouts B—Bugville Naval Reserves 7—Bugvllle Antl-Suffraoettes B—Bugvllle Brass Band o—Bugville Marching Club How the Sun Put One Over on the March Wind [The Fable's in Verse, but the Pictures Are Worse] HAZEN CONKLIN A fable handed down to us From days now gone to seed, Tells how the March Wind raised a fuss To blow the jacket off a cuss, ■ But failed to do the deed. He blew his lungs 'most inside out, But all to no avail. The chap just drew his coat about Himself some tighter. Put to rout. The March Wind sobbed: "I fail!" Whereat, the Sun, with winning smile, Came forth and got his goat. So charmingly; did he beguile That in a vert? little while The gink had shed his coat. Right here a moral we can point And well adorn this tale: Don't blow yourself quite out of joint When with a smile you can anoint The knots in trouble's tail! Stung "What on earth are you bellowing so hard about, Freddy?" "Daddy whipped me." "Well, what if he did? You've been whipped "be fore, and the occasion doesn't call for such heart rending grief." "But he w-w-w-whipped me with a s-s-s-switch cut from a Christmas t-t-trec." Particular "Why don't you want to go to Dr. Tabernacle's church, dear?" said Mr. Hicks. "Because I don't care to associate with that class of people," replied Mrs. Hicks. "The last time I went he told them they were all poor miserable sinners." "There tvas an art ful jam at that bargain sale today, dear." "So I observed. Your pockctboofy is crushed flat" Her Impression "The immensity of nature strikes every one with the same awed feeling." "No, it doesn't. I took a girl to the circus once, and she told me she thought the hippopotamus was cute." INAUGURATION DAY in BUGVILLE Vacate" .-C3- On the Street "Well, good day, Charles," said Sly boy at parting; "drop in and see me some time when you haven't anything else to do." "Thanks; but "I'm always busy." "Yes"; I knew you were." No Strike "When you mar ried me, Phoebe Jane, you seemed to think I was a pretty good match." "I did. And you've never once kindled a fire for me from that day to this.' . No Difference "Why, old man, I didn't Know that she positively refused you." "It amounted to the same thing. She said she was willing to wait until I could support her." No Fasting ''Xo sir-ee,' , said Uncle Sheepskin, ''yeou don't ketch me takin" a fast train right threw tew Chi cargey; I kin dew without most any thing else on the keers except catin'." No, He Wasn't Balky A farmer had a horse he was anxious to sell, and one day while driving with one of his neighbors the horse stopped so frequently as to lead the neighbor to ask: "What ails your horse that he stops so often? Is he balky?" "Xo," replied the farmer, "he's all right. It's simply he's so afraid somebody will say 'Whoa' and he won't hear it that he stops to listen." "HURRAH, FELLERS! SIGNS OF SPRING AT LAST!" • The Same Old Story Tramping de Luxe "Please gimme a nickel, mister?" said the tramp. "I never give money to beggars on the street," replied the haughty pedestrian. "Oh, dats all right," said the hard luck victim. "Here's one uv me cards; youse kin call at me office an' leave your contribu tion wid me bookkeeper." Couldn't "Do you think that hob ble skirts have any ad vantage over wide ones?' , he inquired. "I do not know," she replied. "I never wore them that way." Sweet Home "I suppose," said Mr. Newman to the apartment house janitor, "that if I hire this flat and pay the rent T'll be allowed to sleep in it when I am tired." "Well, yes," replied the janitor, haughtily, "pro vided you don't snore." Anyhow, They Get There "Mamma," said little Elsie, "do men ever go to heaven?" "Why, of course, my dear. What makes you ask that?" "Because I never see any pictures of angels with whiskers." "Well," said the mother thoughtfully, "some men do go to heaven, but they get there by a close shave." They Wanted to Know "My brodders," said a waggish colored man to a crowd, "in all inflictions, in all ob your troubles, dar is one place you can always find money and sympathy." "Whar? Whar?" shouted several. "In de dictionary," he replied, rolling his eyes skyward. "Whar'd you git dat chicken, A/oseP" "Skuze me, Mandy; I can't tell a lie an I don wanler commit myself." Not There "This is the only trouble I e/cr got into," r-aivi the suburbanite as his neigh bors drew him, wet anJ shivering, from a cistern, "ih.it didn't have a woman at the bottom of it."