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CALL'S FEATURE SECTION
magazine VOLUME 114—NO. 170 FOOTLIGHT FLASHES from local Barnes at the Orpheum The young: married people and the unmarried bachelors are poked at in an amusing; vein by Stuart Barnes, the funny man ;'t the Orpheum this week. Here is some of the stuff with which he keeps the audience in a spell of laughter from start to finish: "There is a great change In love making these d:u s. In the olden days a young man would never speak to a young lady without an introduction. Nowadays he stands on a street corner and when a young lady passes says, 'Some s<iuab; some squab.' "The chances are that the young lady will turn around and reply, T Steve: I gotcha.' "Now look at the way girls dress nowadays. In the olden days the ladies wore two button gloves and gowns up to their necks. Nowadays they wear two button gowns and gloves that come up to their necks. "Girls used to wear their dresses down to their 1 feet. This showed good pense and It showed good taste. Look at them nowadays. A lot of them wear dresses that do not come anywhere near their feet and it shows—well It shows the world —is changing nowadays. "More bachelors laugh at married life. Tl.at is wrong. Married life is no laughing matter. "I was talking with a friend of mine the other day. I asked him if he thought married life was a failure. "He said no, he thought married life was a necessity. "I said: "You don't mean to tell me that you would marry for money.' He said: 'No: not If I could get it any other way.' " Lively Minutes In "Stop Thief m "Stop Thief." the roaring farce by Carlyie Moore, now showing at the Columbia theater, Is filled with as funny situations and as bright lines as any play that has been here In months. Doogan. the thief, is let into p house by his fiance, Nell, engaged as a parlor maid. Before he enters, tiie house has been robbed and a de tective summoned. The detective comes after Doogan has been con cealed by Nell In a closet. The following scene ensues: Detective (after scene with Nell and eyeing her suspiciously—he goes to closet, opens door quickly—Doogan. tbe Took, is found In closet with his back to audience. He steps out.) Doogan—Hello. Detective—Hello. What arnie you j doing; in that closet? Doogan—l was just hanging up my Detective —Hanging up my coat, eh? i Doogan—l'm the—huh? Detective—Who are you? Ooogan—(Stall ing». Nell— -Oh, this is Mr. Cluney .sir, the gentleman you asked to see. . <Doogan snaps his lingers. Detec tive turns and almost catches him.) f f - Detective —Are you Mr. Cluney? f.N'e'l pantomimes to Doogan that the i .an Is a detective. Doogan watches , her, hut Is unable to understand what I she means.) Doogan—(To Nell) Huh? (To detec tive) I mean ugh! Detective—Are you Cluney' 1 Doogan—Yes. Are you the detec- Detective —I'm from headquarters. Are you Cluney? Doogan—Yes. (Detective slams closet door shut.) Don't! Detective Excuse me. (Goes to Nell.) You said Cluney was out. Doogan—Yes; I told her to say that. —look here. I've got a big case for you. Sh— (The three turn to right.) But you've got to keep it quiet. Hell —Sh — (All turn to left.) Doogan—Now. listen; I want you to eneak out of this house without any one seeing you, and come back in an liour. (Detective looks at Nell, then at Doogan.* It's a mysterious case. j Detective —Eh? Doogan —I can't tell you what It is new—but you go on, sneak outyand j be back in an hour. Detective —What's this all about? Doogan—Please do as I say or you'll *poil your chances of raveling this | Tiivstery- It's, a secret case. Detective —Who is she? (points to, Doogan—Yes, the only witness, i Beautiful Speech What is" the most beautiful speech j In the entire range of Shakespeare? The question put to a group of 2* Shakespearean readers would probably | bring half as many answers. There j would be partisans for "The quality of mercy" and To be or not to be," and Woolsey's speech on his fall and the meditation of the melancholy Jacques, | d perhaps Antony's oration over the But Robert Mantell finds the most beautiful of all Shakespearean paas ses in "Kine John," his featured play. It is Lady Constance's lamenta tion over her son, Prince Arthur: "Grief tills the room up of my absent Lies in his bed, walks up and down Puts on bis pretty looks, repeats his Kernembers me of all his gracious Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form; Thfii bjive I reason to be fond of grief. Tare you well: had you such loss as I, 1 could give better comfort than you T will not keep this form upon my WIMMi there is such disorder in my wit. i' Lord' My boy. my Arthur, my fair My life, my joy, my food, my all the Mv widow comfort and my sorrow's "That is the most touching and elo quent speech Shakespeare ever wrote." ntly remarked Mr. Mantell. WANTED BETTER ODDS _ . ♦ Bill, a faithful worker on the Hillsborough place of a San Kran see a stomach specialist. He gave Bill directions how to find the specialist, handed him a $10 bill and told him to hurry to town. Bill returned In the evening, feeling better. "Well, I took my medicine, but not from that doctor you sent me to—no sir!** "Why. couldn't you find him?" "Sure. I found his place, hut on m the door, beneath his name, it s.-ild 10 to ]. I wasn't goln' to take any such risk. There was a feller next door with the odds only « to 5, and I took a chance •n him." ! • Go on. do as I tell you. Sneak out ! and be back in an hour. Nell—Don't be late, sir. Be back jin one hour and we'll catch them both. sure. | Detective—Them? Is there more than one? Donnjan—Yes, two of them. Better I bring- an assistant along". Don't for | get, i>ne hour. Detective—l'll be here, i Nell—Better come this way. sir— j the back door through the kitchen, j Some of the family might see you. I But be very quiet. Doogan and Neli Doogan—Gee, but that was a close i shave (after detective's exist.) * # * Dooß-jin (the crook to flume, the I bridegroom )— Dook here, if anything lis lost, they won't blame it on me, I will they? • 'lunie—Now. don't you worry about ; that. I'll be responsible for every itii'ijr that ROt-s missing. lioogan—Gee: What a cinch! Mrs. Carr (lady of the house, to : Doogan. the crook)— Mr. Doogan, I want you to do something for me. I want you to promise me that you won't send In an alarm to police head quarters, | Doogan (alarmed) —Police head- I quarters? | Mrs. Carr—Tf this story should get j about it would simply ruin us. You j understand? t Doogan—l gret you. Mrs. Carr—On your word of honor, j you won't call in the police? Doogran—Take it from me, what ■ ever happens, I won't call in the I police. Between Whistles of the Traffic Cop 'Corporal:" called the Traffic <'op as his superior attempted to ride by. "Corporal, come over here a minute." The Corporal rode over and dis mounted. "And now what?" he inquired. "What's ttTong'.'" "Not a tMtjg in the world. Cor poral, not a thing. I only want you to make me a promise." "I'm just out of promises, but , I'm ail attention. What's the idea?" ' When |s your next day off?" "Thursday—why?" "I want you to promise me. by "*» «*»*• «nH stripes, to put in at least one-half Neck Wagons great." "The Rubber Neck Wagon does not run that ran take iti any pi a• • c all be, but the Spieler on my Wagon could lose a China town Guide, and it would be no disgr*><e to him, either. Why, those fel lows know at least one and a half times everything. I'd be willing t<> hark the worst of them against a loose leaf encyclopedia with all the pages In." "They are the last word in in formation, are they?" "They are. And if the Govern- ment would allow them to coin money as fast as they can man ufacture History, the Secretary of the Treasury would have to util ize the largest of our National Parks as a place to pile our gold reserve." "Don't they ever stick to the VOTING TUB hot / ONES As THBI COHB "Not if their heart is in their work. I helieve they have some sort of an understanding arming themselves whereby they all agree not to tell the same story— consequently the pleasure of the trip doesn't depend upon the horsepower of the Wagon nearly as much as It doe» upon the imag ination of the Megaphone Mich ael. I discovered upon my ride that a Sight Seeing Sunday gets to be a habit—people reserve their seats just as if It was the Orpheum. And if the Spieler puts on a fresh record they give him CHRISTMAS JEWELRY—I9I3 ARTHUR L. PRICE RECIPROCITY? "Well. Wall street finally did the right thing by Bill Sulzer," declared a one time politician who went back to corporation law in 1910. "How's that?" asked the others at the St. Francis bar. "Well, they sent him to the legislature because he's the only politician who has bought any thing in the line of stocks on margins for the last couple of years." "Larry" Harris a hand every time he springs a new one." "As this was your Maiden Voy age you must have been at a dis advantage?" "Far from it. • I sat next to one of the regulars. He kept the score and every time the SfTleler took a hot one out of the oven he declared me in. "It developed that these Reg ular Riders have an association • ailed The Tire Tourists of The Tortured Truth.' They have their favorite Spielers Just as the rest of us prefer one actor to another, or a Ball Kan has hit Pet Pitcher. Before they reserve their seats they inquire as. to who is booked to Mouth the Megaphone wltii the same degree of seriousness and interest as a Music Lover would ask the man in the Box Office the name of the Prima Donna who was to do the title role In "Ma dam Butterfly.' " "I suppose your friend the Reg ular Rider gave you a lot of In formation?" "No. he didn't: it seems T made a Sightseeing Slip to start with. I referred to the Gentleman with the Megaphone as a 'Spieler." whereupon my friend took it upon himself to inform me in no uncer tain tones that he was not a Spieler but a lecturer. He went on to add tbat he had made the same mistake when he was an amateur, but ever since he had occupied an aisle seat—third row center —he had learned to be more careful in his expressions. A claimed, is one who spiels or talks toapass ing crowd in front of a tent, show or other amusement, while a lect turer is one who talks to a c h a n g c less crowd. "He went into an elab orate expla tWO (ielini tions, a n d perhaps he knew what d If fere nee that I ran see is that the Spieler stays by a show and lets the crowd pass, while the fcecturer stands by 'he Crowd and lets the Show pass." "Why didn't you tell him so?" I did—and he came hack at me with the statement that the dif ference was more in Tense than In Location—in other words, that Spieler was the stationary for Lecturer—or words to that effect. By iho time lie was really SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1913 HERE'S A VALUABLE PUP "The recovery of golf balls around our dubs, as well as at every other club, furnishes a good deal of small change to many cad dies and others," said a member of the Inglesi.le GoM club during tea time at the Portola tourna ment, "but if the story told to me by a small caddie is true I think we have the pri/.e golf ball hunter over at Claremont. "There's a littie lad who has been coming into the clubhouse regularly each week with several' warmed up to his subject we were passing up one of our best paved streets, and his first aid to the ungrammatical was lost in the rattle." "I suppose If a man took one of those rides every Sunday he would become thoroughly fa miliar with all of our big build ings, fine residences and famous landmarks." RIDKS TO GET STRAIGHT A<;Al.\ "That's what I thought, too— but it seems the contrary is the case. In tact. I took this very i atter up Wit)) my friend on the aisle. He told me that one of the reasons he kept riding every Sun day was first because he enjoyed it, but primarily to get -"liimself straightened out again. It seems he began life In this city as a up to be a postman, "and, as he used to ride a bicycle for recreation, by the time he was forty he had ac cumulated a fair idea of what was worth seeing in San Francisco, and he prided himself upon his ability to find it. A little later in life be spent about four years on the small gun turret of a hack directing the destinies of a dis appearing horse. So by the time the automobiles ami taxicabs took that job off his hands and reduced The rubberneck wagon. Illustrated by FRED L. PACKER 1 balls. Finally I said to him one day: 'Johnnie, you must have an eagle's eye.' " '.\aw, it's me dog," replied Johnnie. / "Johnnie declared he has trained a little wire haired terrier to rove over the links and root up lost balls. He says that the dog has found as many as 10 on a Monday. "Now a lot of us out at the club are wondering whether that dog can't explain why a lot of long shots end up in lost balls." Itoftrateal fey Co ©ndksoiia him from a marksman to an aide bodied seaman there wasn't a place where any one could ltm without the aid of the federal troops that they didn't call him by his first name." 'You're wanderinsr. toy Boy. What has all this to do with his becoming a charter member of the Cobble Club?" "It is really a pathetic tale. He told me he took his first ride out of curiosity, and after he had made the circuit, hail listened to the Lecturer from The Call Build ing to the Cliff, and from the Cliff to Chinatown, he was so mixed up that as soon as he got to the ground he went over ami asked the first policeman he saw if he could inform htm how he could set over to the Statue of Liberty without taking a boat." "What, did the Policeman tell you?" "According to my friend, the Policeman informed him that he wasn't in New York—to which he replied. Is that so? and ventured to inform the Officer that he wasn't in San Francisco, either. He said he knew he wasn't, be cause he had just been all over the town. and. as he was born and raised in San Francisco—he'd be pretty likely to know it if he saw it." "Was it as bad as that?'' KNEW THE REMEDY Itoturning from business one even ing last spring. I slipped on the ice before my home and turned my ankle. In consequence I could not stand on my feet for several minutes. My wife j and son, seeing my predicament, came out to aid me. each taking hold of one lof my arms. Just then a small freckle faced boy ran over and said tn my wife: "Missis, give him some black : coffee when you get him inside. My 1 mudder always does that when my | fadder comes home like that." "!t must have been pretty stiff—he's been a Regular for two years, and he tSMWMWMWMWMWMWmM told me that even now he can't tell for the life of him whether the old Mechanics' Pavilion used to be where the St. Fran cis la — or whether the" St. Francis \\;is formerly the old Jesuit Church before they moved it Uown town." "'lie must be getting; a lit tle flighty." "No, I think he is perfect ly sane. He admitted that A^TUV.„,,,. M * apparently has pretty good con trol of himself. As an exam ple, he said that last Sunday— that is. the Sunday before I started with him. the Lecturer on the trip out. let it drop in passing thafr- Lnion Square used to be a Race Track until the Dry Goods Houses in the neighborhood com plained of the dust. lb- toid me be couldn't remember that, but it sounded plausible enough. Bo be let it go. He also said, however, that when the trip was over and they were letting the Board down in front of the St. Francis for the pleople to alight, the Lecturer ap parently forgot his first reference and sent the passengers home with the somewhat startling in formation that "The Beautiful Square to their immediate left was the first Parade Ground of the original Presidio." "Why do they let these Lec turers—or whatever you cal! them —get away with a line of talk like that." COILD.VT ISiTERFEIIi; WITH THE SUN "I rather imagine you resent it the first trip you take, hut 1 gath ered from what my companion told me that if you don't light right at the start they take the heart right out of you. lie was a very mild mannered old Gentle man, hut his cheeks flushed up and his eye.-v snapped fire when he told me how, about a year ago, the Lecturer referred to the Band Stand at the Park as Prayer Book Cross, and put it over. He also told me that before the adVi.it of the Rubber Neck Wagon his ideas on Religion Were fairly weli de fined, but ever since his second ride he had become a Sun Wor shiper, and for no flu-r »n than he wanted something to wor ship that the Lecturer couldn't interfere With." Market St. Quotations Tte M« ©f tito j} M»(allh©Mtog Agd Lee W. Nelson MISS PROVIDENT Although her means were moderate, young Mary Ann Mcßrown Was" courted by most ev'ry man who lived about her town; In fact, they came from near and far, sweet Mary Ann to woo (Among the many suitors was a millionaire or two) For Mary Ann was beautiful, good looks like hers were rare, Her eyes were dark and flashing, blonde and curling was her hair. Among the throngs of courters was young William Scadsagold, Who would inherit millions' from his dad, now gray and old. And William courted Mary and his luck was breaking well, I'ntil one night lie undertook the olden tale to tell. "Mary," quoth young William, "could you condescend to take In marriage a foolish youth, whose heart with love doth achy? My dad has countless dollars which become mine when he die-, He has bonds and iots of real estate whose values daily rise; And when he dies, if you arc mine, both you and I'll be rich. You can live in Paris, or at home, you take your choice of which. It won't be long before he dies —there's a rumor in the breeze. Tho' I'm the one who truly knows —he's got the heart disease!'' W hen Will had gone, sweet Mary turned it over in the head— William wouldn't get the gold until his dad was dead; And when he got the money, Mary Ann would have to wait Until young William kicked the pail, which was a bit too late. But dad would be a-dying soon, the heart disease he had, So Mary Ann went right jto work, and next week married dad! ON THE PIED-PIPER They were .standing in front of Maxfield Parrish's beautiful mural painting, "The Pled Piper," and also, by coincidence in front of the Palace bar, behind which the painting lingers. The cabinet had just adjourned, and one of its most distinguished members was introducing to his fellow cabi neteers. a lawyer from Red Bluff. "That is a really charming work of art." said one of the party to the attorney from the interior. "Yes," he replied, "but it ain't real. They call that fellow with the tin whistle the 'Pie Eyed Piper,' but no fellow who Is pie eyed could walk like that; he'd be falling out of the frame, take it from me." ' I'or heaven's sake, how could the Lecturer interfere with his Religious beliefs?"' "Well, I Imagine it was care lessness, but old Chatterbox insist ed it was nothing more nor less than a supreme indifference to details. lie said he didn't mind having the Phelan residence pointed out to him as being In Pacific avemte, nor did he serious ly object to the Lecturer stating that the Dutch Windmill in the Park was a Windlass by the aid of which they dragged the tide in twice a day. but when he called the attention of the Crowd to Arch BlShopfl walking down the steps of Synagogues and Rabbis conducting Mass on Sunday—he told me be just naturally threw his little book away and has been strong for the Sun ever since." WELL WORTH LISTENING TO "I imagine If they take the lib erties you say they do that when they once get warmed up on the subject of the Fire they must be well worth listening to?" "They are. The first shot the Fellow on my Wagon took was along those lines. We were stopped on Sufcter and Powell for a moment while a stout woman was geeting aboard, and the lec turer took advantage of the few moments at his disposal to in form us that before the Fire, Powell street was level from Mar ket to the Bay. but the heat was so intense in that particular neighborhood the street just up and warped—and. he added, he didn't suppose we would ever have a cold sfell of sufficient severity to put it back in plumb again." "You don't tell me. That Lec turer must have been pretty •nappy when he got to the Park. Did he make any good ones out there?" •'I didn't get that far" HANGER FOR KKtil I.Alt RIDERS' "How do you mean—didn't get that far?" "Just what I say—You see, we Started from Third and Market at two o'clock —but by the time we stopped picking people np—it was time for me to go home and water the garden—So 1 resigned and got out." "On the square now—is that the only reason you quit?" '•Well —to tell you the truth — it isn't — Yon see. I live here and am drawing money to tell people where to go and how to get there Corporal- how long do you sup pose I'd hold my job if I ever be came a Regular Rider?" "You wouldn't hold it long enough to drop it." And there you are. Corpora! — there you an:." PAGES 13 TO 22 THE BIGOTED BILLPOSTER Robert .Man - tell. the S h a k espear ean.actor, has a deep respect for the trio v s bill poster who placards his name from the Atlantic to the Pacific, but he would rather that the paste exploiter keep clear of con t roversal points. "My eyes were opened." said Mr. Man tell, "to the trouble that may come if a HH9H|^^H^HBSSJpSS^P^P^fSSS^pSBB^BJ permits his personal views to In terfere with the discharge of his indispensable duty. "On my present tour we were to play one night in a town in the middle west and 'King Lear' was selected for presentation. My ad vance man arranged with the lo cal billboard man to display my paper and left a great quantity of bills which annonuced that Mr. Mar Jell would play 'King Lear," by William Shakespeare. "We arrived in the town in the middle of the afternoon of the day of the performance. In going from the station to my hotel I was surprised not to see the fa miliar literature pasted along the route. I made inquiries and learned that not a poster had been placed. Angered by this ob vious breach of contract. I sum moned the bill poster. He came to my hotel. I demanded of him the explanation of his dereliction of duty. "'Mr. Mantell,' he explained, 'I have a deep personal admiration for your art. but since I know that Bacon wrote the so called Shakespearean play, I could not stultify myself by placarding a He in this fair city.' " HE EARNED A PASS the doorkeep er to stick out the "S. Ft. O." siKn. as he can do now. A a inn i. Jones 0 f Chicago tells of the meager days. "Twenty years ago." said Jones, "I was mana ger of a t.ra v - elir.g vaude ville company Martin Beck was my ad vance agent. a^^^^^^^^^^™ 1 used to give Beck a five spot every time I caught up with him. which was about twice a week. "We were playing three nights ,in Peotone —ever hear of Pen tone? No? Well, it is near Mo nee, 111. "Beck and T were standing at t the door on the second night of our engagement, when a man stepped up to me and asked for a pass, "Why do you ask for a pass?" T Inquired. " "Because I'm so sensitive,' he answered. "'Sensitive" What's that got to do with the matter?' ' 'Well. I*ll tell you. Mr. Jones.' he explained. "I was in to see your show last night and I was the only .nan there who paid tor his ticket. They -ill guyed me about it ami I don't want to go through such an experience again.' "