Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume], March 18, 1905, Image 7

About Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916

Image provided by: State Historical Society of Iowa

                
THE LIQUOR TEST.
"Are you sore the Russian count was
intoxicated.?"
"Positive^ He couldn't pronounce bis
own name." -1--
if A FRANK 8UGGE8TI0N.
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Father—What do you expect me to
do, give you all the money you ask for
or calmly allow you to get Into debt?.
Son—You might do both.
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HIS WIFE'S COMMENT.
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Mr. Goodfellow: "The sight of an old schoolmate is—or—well, it might be
called both meat and drink."
Mrs. Goodfellow: "Yes, that's what you men usually do in the circum
stances."
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Mr. Goodfellow: "Eh?" ',a
'•jOB' Mrs. Goodfellow: "Meet and drink."
4.,
A A I O S O
Myrtle: "I believe you really love me now, but will you be faithful to the
last?"
J«k, "Sure. But I'm not prepared to guarantee that you will be the last."
NEWSPAPER ITEM.
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Mr. Gayboy's return is awaited with the utmost anxiety.
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Circumstances Al
ter Cases.
Eleanor Why
have you again
asked me to mar
ry you? I told you
emphatically four
months ago that I
could never love
you.
1 Suitor T-e-s,
but I've fallen heir
to a fortune since
then.
Bleanor Oh,
that's different!
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What She Says.
"My wife never
says 'I told you so'
when any of my
plans go awry."
"A remarkable
woman!"
'No she isn't so
annoyingly posi
tive as all that.
She just says,
'Didn't I say so?*
and lets it go at
that."
Room For One
More
Friend—It is no
disgrace to be on
a car. Wliy, you
might isay"it is a
profession
Conductor I
guess it must be a
profession from
the way it is over
crowded
Vicious
Old Frost is the
most vindictive
man I know of."
"So?"
"Yes. He makes
a practice of quot
ing Flipper's jokes
and leaving out
the points.
Not In His'Line.
"The doctor says
his wife has a bad
fit ttiat he can't
get her out of."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. It'3 all
her dressmaker's
fault."
THE OTTUMWA COURIER.
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WHAT CAUSED THE QUARREL.
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"The wretch has Been proposing to
both of us. I wish we'could think of
some horrible way to pfinish him."
"Well, why don't you marry him?"
AN* INSINUATION.
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"Young Miffkins is daft on the subject of matrimony. He asks every girl
he meets to marry him."
"Well, why don't you get some one to introduce you?" 'i
THE PATENT PNEUMATIC ELEVATOR NOT A SUCCESS.
UNEXPECTED GOOD LUCK.
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"Caroline tells me young Goodby proposed to her last night."
"I don't think I know him. Is he well off?" f""f*
"He certainly is. She refused him.".
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A FRIENDLY SUGGESTION.# WVtf,V
Hq (during the dance): "Oh, I Could waltz on this floor forever!"
She: "Well) I wish you would do so instead of waltzing on my feet."
NATURAL QUESTION.
"He talks of trouble, but he doesn't
know what trouble is."
"Why? Isn't he married?"
His Failing.
"Mr. Littleman,
have you any ob
jection to my join
ing a military
company?"
"I dunno as I
have. But I'll tell
you one thing: I'm
afraid you'll be as
poor a soldier as
you are a grocery
clerk."
"In what way,
sir?"
"No earthly good
at taking orders."
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With the Babies.
Mamma Why,
what's the npatter,
dear?
Ethel (aged five,
sobbing) Willie
hit me.
Mamma—Did he
hit you on pur
pose?
EtJjel—No. He
hit me on the
head.
Two Attractions.
"I congratulate
you, my dear boy.
s3Tour wife is a
very beautiful wo
man, but it seems
to me she isn't
much of a talker."
"Well, congrat
ulate me again
old friend."
Granted.
He (sighing)
Ah, may I not
hope that you will
be mine forever
and ever?
She (softly)
Yes, you may hope
that long If you
wish.
His Love Genuine.
Father—Then I
have but one more
question to put to
you. Have you
seen my daughter
play golf?
Lover I have,
sir, but I l«««» iier
stilL
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SOCIAL NOTE.
The dinner party consisted of four
teen stomachs and two very interesting
bralnd.
-Si HIS THREAT.
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A GOOD GUESS.
Miss Smart—What Is the most curt*
ous thing In the world?
Mr. Wise—A woman who Isn't Ca
rious. .••• ..••-..•
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COMFORTING.
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-Shut your eyes a minute, and I!U
make a grab I"
Reggie: "If you refuse me I shall follow you to the ends of the earth."
Gladys: "Goodness, are you a book agent or an insurance man!"
MOST UNFORTUNATE.
Mother (who wants to be very nice to wealthy bachelor unele)i "NoWj
Charlie, you've never seen uncle before.' Go and shake hands."
Charlie: "Oh, yes, mother, I have seen him before* I'm sure at the panto*
mimel"
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