Search America's historic newspaper pages from 1777-1963 or use the U.S. Newspaper Directory to find information about American newspapers published between 1690-present. Chronicling America is sponsored jointly by the
National Endowment for the Humanities and the Library of Congress. external link Learn more
Image provided by: State Historical Society of Iowa
Newspaper Page Text
ON HIS HANDS.
"He's got a good deal on his hands I nought he devoted all of his time to hie automobile. So he does, and you ought to see his hands since he's been taking care of it I kn Extensive Family. "Poor man, h* ias a hundred lons-in-law on his lands." "Why, thought ie had but three laughters." "That's all. But je has one real lon-in-la-# and two liphers. How nany do y°u aake that out to e?" Considerate Mrs. Clubman Vill you be home arly, Jack? Mr. Clubman ve-11, yes but on't wait break is for me Accounted For. "Jenkins is so iptimistic. He al vays sees things louble. "You must recol ect he was born a win. P08SIBLE EXPLANATION. She—Why are you so strongly op posed to all games of chance? He—I don't know unless it's because I am married. FROM FORCE OF HABIT. "Why is the attorney for the prisoner so excited." "Oh, he secured the acquittal of a client today fop the first time, and he was so absentminded that he moved for a new trial I"' THE EYE AS AN AID TO THE EAR. Young Lady (repeating conversation to deaf old gentleman): "Mies Frills gave her suoh a fright," Deaf Old Qenti "Eh? I didn't,quite"— Young Lady: "Such-—a—fright!" Deaf Old Gent» "Ah, yes, I agree with you so she is!" 3 ii WAS NOT PLAIN. Tough Youth—Say, I want to buy some handkerchiefs fer a young lady. Clerk—Plain Tough Youth—Naw, she ain't plain, an' I kin lick the man that-says she is! Then He Left. .."Yes I'm disap pointed in these shoes," said Bor em. "It's funny nowadays, how one's things wear out before one knows it." "Yes, replied Miss Tyre, sup pressing a yawn, "especially one's welcome." The Brotherly Role. "No, can never marry -you, but will be a sister to you." "You mean that you wouldn't have me for a husband, but that I would do for an errand boy." Keeping Tab. "You should sleep on your right side, mad am." "I really can't do it, doctor. My husband talks in his sleep, and can't hear a thing with my left ear." Setting Him Right Con Seet—Oh, I could marry most any girl I wish. Newitt—You've got that rather twisted. You mean you wish you could marry most any girl. A Bad Sign. "Is he a great artist?" "I think not. He makes good mon ey." ft'-.'.- THE OTTUMWA COURIER. THOSE NEEDLESS QUESTIONS. "Hello! What is Unole Silas taking little Tommy into the woe shed for? "He's going to take little Tommy on his knee," "To spank him?" "Oh, no[ of course not. To tell him funny stories." TIME WASTED. "You'd be surprised if you knew the amount of time spent on that canvas." "Yes I understand men have stood in front of it for hours trying to make out what it Is." A DESIRABLE ACQUAINTANCE. 1 ••Alice Flitter is such a restful friend!" "Restful! She talks all the time." "That's it I never have to think what to say when I'm with her." HE AMUSED THE BABY, BUT «A if sr ""1 THE WHY AND WHEREFORE. They say that man was made to mourn. Life's charms and pleasures scorning. You ask, "Then, why was woman born?" To superintend man's mourning. Cause of the Cool ness. "What has come between Brown and the Jones girl? They seem to avoid each other, and they used to be such good friends," said the man who had Just returned after a year's absence. "Haven't you heard about it? They are married now." Would Suit the Dogs. "X*e couldn't get elected dog catch er." "He could If the dogs bad a vote, because he would be too lazy to work at it." Should Have Salary. 'He is going to marry a poetess." 'He must take the rumor serious ly that heroes are to be retired on pensions after a few years." Could Have Stood More. "He couldn't stand prosperity, I hear." "That is a mis take. He stood It very nicely as long as it stayed." A Pointer. It is a success ful photographer who can convince every woman that she 16 beautiful. RAPID. His yacht Is quite fast, Isn't It?" Very fast. You ought to see how It Is going through his money." I f/yy 'I $)'/. SS/S 4 wlPifPf SR SB ffj^lf BRILLIANT ALQY. THE LANGUAGE OF UP TO DATE LOVE. "Love has a universal language." "Yes, indeed, and it is expressed in stoeks and bonds." EXPLAINED. l,"f""!.1 Percy—And what now Claud£—Sprinkling gasoline on hit :«j? love letters to give the girl the lm pression that ho owns an automo s-^ bile. f/ "Isn't it odd that my husband insists on picking out ail the dresses anc bonnets I buy?" "Oh, I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want other men to notloe you." ra & i: sill -CI jr "I What It Didn't Say. "It seems ai though she coula make the piano -i talk." "It doesn't seen that way to m»' If It could talk li' would have hoi 3 lered 'Enough long ago." Looated. "Where Is th solar plexus?" "In the pocket book, I think. A least that is wher "^'^1 it hurts me to get hit." 4 r, Quite a Differene*,?^ "Do you like t,vL .catch flsh?" "No. but I dot on going out flsh ing." fAj-j Advice. $$$% A good preven tive for earache never to argue with a woman.