Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume], December 04, 1909, Image 4

About Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916

Image provided by: State Historical Society of Iowa

                
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AN IMPROVED PLAN.
Charlie's appetite for cigarettcs be
came so ravenous that one cigarette
at a time failed to satisfy his crav
ings. Happer.icg to think of a fife he
had, he put it to use in the above man
ner.
HIS THANKSGIVING PLEA.
"Ma, do I have to wait till all the
grownup folks have had their dinner?"
"Of course you do."
"Why don't you make pa wait once
in awhile? He's always lcickin' 'cause
he ain't got no appetite."
Base Deceiver.
"£j.REAT scheme
Clara has for
a in
think she is study
ing music, isn't
it?"
"What is it?"
a
lunch in a music
roll."
Vanity Merely.
"jg HE'S very
fond of him,
isn't she?"
"Well. I don't
think she's as
fond of him as
she is fond of hav
ing people remark
that he is fond of
her."
A SENSITIVE SPIRIT.
Junkman: "Rags! Rags! Rags!"
Tatterdon Torno: "Don't yep git so all fired personal in your remarks!"
f. nnn6«Perf|t!|Cha*t°ter: "Give
DISILLUSIONED.
"When I wuz a boy I never t'ought
I'd be leadin' this kind uv a life."
"Wot did youse t'ink?"
"In me childhood innercence I t'ought
I'd hafter work fer a livin'."
LATE RETIRER NOW.
Mr. Borely (12 midnight)—When I
was younger, Miss Swift, I was of a
very retiring nature indeed.
Miss Swift—Goodness! How you
have changed!
to
J-
&
WHO DOES THE BRAGGING?
"Which one of those fishermen up
there is doing all that bragging?4'
"He's the one we're getting all the
bait from."
ITe.$20'"
A DRAWBACK.
"Thought Robinson was great on
physical exercises to keep him in
health."
"Yes, he is but, you see, he worked
himself down so at it that he hasn't
been able to leave' his room to take
it."
lowed myself to have a thirst."
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5
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A CURDLING THREAT.
Irate Boy: "Look here, you squirt any water on me an' I'll kick the stuffin'
out o' you! Y' understand?"
A NEW KIND.
"Do you mean to say that you are a
real live cowboy?"
"That is the profession I follow for
a living."
"Is it possible? I have been with
you for half a day and you haven't
spoken a line of magazine dialect."
GAVE THE IMPRESSION.
"Is he much of a lawyer?"
"Considerable. I should judge lie
wrote the constitution to hear him
talk about it."
FA/*R
WOULD RISK IT ONCE.
"George," said the dear girl, "papa
says jf I can get you to go to church
he won't oppose our marriage."
"All right," said George. "Tell the
old gentleman it doesn't matter to me
whether it's a home wedding or a
church wedding."
KEPT IT QUENCHED.
J*
City Missionary: "What! Do you mean to say that poverty gave you this
thirst for liquor?"
Unfortunate: "Not exactly, mister. But wh»»
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Employer: "Great heavens! What does this mean, Ledyer?"
Ledyer: "Well, sir, when I spoke to you about increase of salary you
on with what I had seven years ago. I thought I would show you."
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SHOOTIJWG FOLLy AS IT FLIE
AN OBJECT LESSON.
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TOO LATE.
The Barber (after the shave)—Hair
dyed, sir?
Customer (baldheaded)—Yes it died
about five years ago.
THE SMALLEST POSSIBLE.
"But if he is an enemy of yours why
did you contribute to his wooden wed
ding?"
"Just to make him look small."
"What did you send?"
"Why, a toothpick."
11
1—^
EXCHANGE IS JVO 'KO'B'BE'Ry.
Capitalist: "Certainly, my friend Desperate Character: "Thanks! Each (to himself): "Walt till he Capitalist: "Just as I expected, of Desperate Charact^f "By hokey'
package of dyna- certainly. You have saved yourself from a opens that package!" course—nothing but sawdust!" Nothing but sawdust'" 2
4. mite!
fearful death!"
THE KIND TO GO WITH.
"Doesn't your wife annoy you by
asking: questions at the football game?"
"Never. She is one of those women
who always like to let on that they
know all about everything."
CAN'T BEAT A WOMAN.
"George never tells me a word about
his business."
"Neither does my husband. But
••—•'thy I never al- when I want to find out I invite some
company, and he lets out ev
said you didn't see why I couldn't get
|W5?^5^sp?*s^5^w
/n~^ulthi(y—^
SAFEST PLACE.
"He comes from the humbler walks
of life."
"He should have stayed there. When
he gets on the pretentious walks he is
liable to be run over by an automo
bile."
NEEDED THEM.
"Seems to me that you make a good
many mistakes."
"Sure. Didn't you know this was a
time job?"
EXPLAINED.
"What's the difference between an
old maid and a bachelor girl?"
"An old maid is a mate!-, for nobody,
while a bachelor girl -is apt to be a
match for anybody."
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IP
Tramp: "Can I get a bite here?"
Dog Fancier: "Which breed do you prefer?"
Passeroy "I heard there was a schism in your church recently, Uncle
Jo&b."
Unclfe Jcab: "No, sah no, sah! Dey ain't no trufe in dat story. We foun'
invite some a hornets' nes' in de pulpit las' summer, but I ain't seen no sech animal as dat
i*erything." one you speak of senr.e I ha'n da sexton."
THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION.
THE NUT UNIVERSITY.
"Hiram writes that his university
has a collection of 20,000 bugs."
"Counting the professors, Josiah?"
THE EUROPEAN PLAN.
AMENDED.
"Evidently the grafter doesn't take
much stock in the commandment
"Tliou shalt rot steal.'
"No he reads it, "Thou shalt not
squeal.'
UNFOUNDED RUMOR.
'I
dog'.'.
I
Weary Raggles: "Any dorg there, Tomlins?"
Tired Tomlins: "Nuthin' but a sign. It sez, 'Look out fur the dorgl"
Weary Raggles: "Well, it's lucky yer kin read, fur here it comes!"
RATHER
"A little rough on him
FALL BARGAINS.
A very serviceable spoon holder may
be had cheap these days.
Modern Version..
JONES—If hens
become extinct
we can no longer
say a man is hen
pecked.
Brown No I
suppose then we
will have to say
he is incubator
pecked.
The Last Resort.
"J tell you," re
a
newly married
man, "there's no
place like home,
after all."
"Yes." agreed
the old rounder
"after all."
WITH PLEASURE.
"Please, ma'am, can you assist ml
along the road a bit?"
"Just wait till I have unchained my
dog here. He will:"
LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
"No, don't think Algy will eveii
learn to run his auto."
"Why not?"
"He's always trying to roll a ciga
rette and guide the machine at tht
same time."
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