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CALL AND POST'S
CALL AND POST. VOII 94. NO. 143.
KAN FRANCISCO CALL, VOL. 115. NO. 12.
mm mm, mwm
"The Girl In the Taxi"
At the Alcazar
(Seene —A private room in the Cafe Churchill,
New York. Bertie Stewart (Bert Lytell) and Mig
non Smith (Evelyn Vaughan) are dining tete-a-tete
when Kernan Cripps, as the latter's husband, a
• national . guardsman and manufacturer of per
fumes, unexpectedly arrives and Mignon hides be
hind a curtain.)
Smith (looking at table) —Service for two. You
expect a lady?
Bertie —Yes, but she isn't coming.
Smith—Well, if she's not coming I'll take her place.
(Sits at table.)
B. —But, my dear sir—
S. —Oh, I'm not going to eat at your expense. Each
pays for himself. What's your name? (Eats.)
S. (rises, surprised)— What, forgotten your name?
B. (stammers) —No, it's—it's Duval.
S. —Ah, Armande? Come, sit down, Armande Duval.
Who is your Camille? My dear Duval, behold in me
two men—the manufacturer of perfumes and the sol
dier. At home I'm gentle, peaceful—in the camp, ter
rible, ferocious. I have a wife.
B.—lndeed, you have.
S. (suspiciously)— How do you know?
B.—You just told me so.
S.—That's so. Well. I'm not jealous, but if she ever deceived me I
would break her like this. (Breaks plate on edge of table.)
B. (alarmed) —What are you going to do with that?
S.—Charge it on your bill. Listen. My wife is young and pretty—
P.. (enthusiastically)—lndeed, she is.
S. (suspicious)— How do you know?
B.—You said she is.
S. —That's so. She adores me (Mignon sneezes.) What's that? Some
one sneezes. (Rises.) It sounded as if some one is behind those cur
tains. Ah, Duval, you young rascal. SHE'S there.
B.—No, she's not.
S.—She is—l know she is. (Speaks to curtains.) My dear young
lady, pardon me. I've been eating your supper.
B. —That's all rlghL Leave us alone.
S.—l'r love to see her.
B.—No, you wouldn't —I'm sure you wouldn't.
S. She's all right, she is. Any one who uses "Perfume Mignon" must
be all right.
B. Yes, yes; good night. (Pushes him through door and closes lt.)
Mignon (comes through curtains)— Has he gone?
B. —Yes. Look out! (Mignon rushes behind curtains.)
Smith (enters laughing)—l came pretty near seeing her that time.
I forgot my hat.
B. —How careless.
S. (puts on hat) —Well. I'll leave you now. Have p good time. Come
and see me at Red Bank. I'll introduce you.to my wife. She's a dream
of a beauty. » . »
B.—lndeed she is.
S. (angrily)— How do you know?
B. —You just said she is.
S. —That's so. You always agree with roe. Well, goodby, Armande.
Give my love to Camille. Ha, ha!
B.—Goodby, goodby. X
(Smith exits and Mignon reappears.)
A Tale of Christmas Shopping
With Moral Attachment
Kow, when Smith of oid Mllpitas had
sold out all his truek —
At figgers almost high enough to be
ta accounted luck—
•Twas Mrs. Smith's suggestion that
in order to achieve
Success In Christmas buying, for the
city he should leave.
Where the "Do Your Shopping Early"
sign in frequency galore
Displayed its transplendendence on
emporium and store.
But Smith is some conceited, so he
"let on fer to know
There was ample time fer tradln' " and
"allowed he'd take it slow."
To all this advertisin' talk he "reck
oned he was wise.
An' when he got good ready he'd per
ceed to make his buys."
Bo while Mrs. Smith sot frettin' as
she thought of bargains great.
Old Smith kept smokin' of his pipe, '
nor dreamed of bein' late.
•Twas the last day before Christmas
when Smith, elder, hit the town
An' began perambulatin' of the streets
both up an' down;
But everywhere he tried to buy the
clerks was peeved an' sore,
The stocks was mussed, the goods was
soiled, from many handlin's o'er.
An', while Smith tried his dumbdest,
all he got was the worst—
He had to take the leavin's of the
folks that got there first.
For Tommy Smith the old man bought
a ball without a kiver.
An' Mamie Smith for Christmas had a
dolly minus Hver,
"While Georgie Smith, astonished,
looked at a horse without a tail.
An' Jimmy Smith's one legged "monk"
caused juvenescent wails.
Poor Mrs. Smith, a gentle soul, gazed
on a soiled dress pattern;
She knew when she had "made it up"
she'd look like any slattern.
The box of candy "fer the crowd" was
smashed and looked like glue.
The corset for tlie hired girl was
nearly torn in two;
The pipe the hired man desired had no
hole through the stem.
While Smith's new pants were shy a
leg. there was only one to them.
An' all old Smith could say to this was
to assert, because
A bullgine had collided with good old
Kow Mr. Jones and his good wife,
who know just what's o'clock.
Had early bought their little ones the
best they found in stock.
Bo it happened when the kids of each
was a-showing of their toys.
The ensuin' comparisons was provo
cative of noise.
For all the little Smithies was not
only deeply peeved,
But their lachrymose expressions
showed that each was sorely
So Smith's four Infants ast their Pa,
in no uncertlng tones
The why the smash to Santa Claus
had missed the kids of Jones;
An' why the Smiths was singled out
fer the crippled in the wreck.
When Jones' tribe had drawn the best
there was in all the deck.
An' they made thinga so onpleasant
that to dodge the hurly burly
Smith had to tell the truth and say
he'd neglected to shop early.
Jest antecedin' this here fuss, Smith's
brood had the Illusion
That Santa Claus was the real thing;
this spiled their fond delusion.
An' when a dream of child Is spiled.
he loses somepin by lt;
Is never jest the same agin; 'f you
don't believe me. try lt.
So the moral of this tale of woe is:
"Don't be slow an' surly.
But cheerful like, an" peart an' smart,
an' do your shoppin' early."
"Corporal." said the Traffic Cop,
stepping down from the box in
order to limber up a bit, "what
are you going to give me for
"I haven't decided," replied the
Corporal, "just what I'll give you,
but whatever it is, you can rest
assured it is a duplicate. You
know, if I had my own way no
one would be allowed to give a
Christmas present unless it was a
"At that rate," yawned the Traf
fic Cop, "I've had my last Christ
mas. I never received more than
one present In my life."
"Have you ever griven more than
"Many a time."
"Weil, then, Christmasly speak
ing;, you're an
against you. I
means, but I've
ways seems to
from it from
Pr c s ldential
Cand i d a t c s
hay c been
1n g presents
was a great
idea once, but
have kept it
in short pants
—a nyth Ing
which grows fast enough to get
rough before it stops being cute
should get its disciplining while
lt Is in long clothes."
"You don't believe in giving
Christmas presents then? I sup
pose you are one of these char
itably Inclined, ingrown Spend
thrifts who would like to go
through life considering Christ
mas nothing more nor less than
a Sunday that didn't have the rest
of the week with lt. Personally
I am a great believer in making
it a day of remembrances."
"Sure." said the Corporal,
that's fine~~~a day of remem
brances —and I'll say this for my
last Christmas, I am still being
remembranced for what I gave—"
"And for what you received?"
"The only thing I received last
Christmas came from my daugh
ter Julia, who gave me something
her Mother wanted."
"And what did you give her
"1 don't remember what it was,
SANTA CLAUS' VISIT
On a Bus With George M. Cohan and Eddie Foy
They are telling on Broadway a
•tory about Eddie Foy and George
Foy and Cohan, one autumn after
noon, sat side by side in a Fifth ave
nue 'bus when a fat, gaudily dressed
man entered, his manicured and
scented hands covered with huge
"Geonre." said Foy. "I don't like
that fellow's looks, and I'm going to
make him get out before we reach
"All right, Eddie," said Cohan,
Foy fixed his gaze on the fat man's
glittering hands, and a change came
over his face. His eyes became dull
Between Whistles of the Traffic Cop
but I remember she took it for
Thanksgiving-, doubled back on
me for Christmas and sent Julia
ahead to see that I didn't get by
on New Tear."
"Didn't any of Family re
member you. Corporal?"
"You bet they did —every one of
them—from December fifteenth up
to but not including tlie twenty
fifth, they remembered every wish
I had ever expressed out loud and
a few that I had never dared take
the muzzles off."
SPENDING DAY SAYING
That's fine. I'll bet you enjoyed
"Yes, I had a fine day. I spent
the morning saying "you're wel
come and the entire afternoon go
ing over my dress uniform with a
tape measure trying to figure out
where there was room enough on
the coat to place the number of
stripes It would require to put me
in a financial condition so that I
could go up and grasp the glad
tidings by the hand without being
tempted to pl-jk its pockets."
"I think you have the wrong
idea. Corporal, figuring Christmas
as an investment. You know the
old adage, Tt
is more bless
ed to give
than to re
ceive.' I won
der who ever
ably. Now, I
you to get the
idea that T am
cause I am
not. Put what
I do object to
Is this under
of aecrecy. I
a m perfect i y
willing to take
my eh a tie es
with anything from a runaway to
a riot, but when it comes to hav
ing to look pleased when you get
something you wouldn't wear
even to fill an election bet, I'm
not there —or even thereabouts.
Why, two years ago my entire
family went into secret session
tro a point where if any one spoke
above a whisper it sounded like
reporting progress on tlie Stock
ton street tunnel. And what do
you suppose lt was all about?"
"I haven't the faintest idea."
"It appears my wife's Mother
had been taking lessons in China
Painting and, as they say in ar
. tistic circles, waa brewing a bowl
—or something like that,"
SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1913
and staring. His jaw hung slack and
"Me want rings'." he shouted sud
denly, and he pointed to the fat man's
hands, and at the same time Jumped
up and down in his seat and waggled
hia elbows up an down in the air, just
like a baby. "Ring!" Me wan ring!"
Cohan took the cue at once.
"Hide your hands." he said quickly
to the fat man. "Your rings bother
The fat man frowned uneasily, but
he would not hide his hands.
"Ring! Ring! Me want ring!" re
peated Foy, and Cohan, as he strove
to hold his friend still, said:
"Don't give him a ring!"
"Was the present a success?"
"Yes and no. It seems in tlie
excitement they spent so much
time in keeping it from me that
they forgot to put lt in the oven—
and in hiding it from me they
overlooked the Baby—with the
result that when the great day
came, and I was called down
stairs to see the Master Piece, I
put an awful crimp in the pro
ceedings by paying more attention
to the Kid's finger prints than to
what would have been a spray of
violets, if it hadn't been for the
frost. I'll never forget that
Christmas—we all went to differ
ent Masses and when dinner time
came the Turkey was the only
thing at the table that could have
said 'Merry Christmas' without
having hysterics. As far as our
family is concerned, you are per
fectly sale in considering China
Paining a lost Art."
TEI.I, THE FAMILY
"That must have been pretty
tough—what else did you get?"
"That was all—l really needed
some underclothes, and from what
I saw in Dan's room before I
went to bed I guess that when
they marooned mc, after the
bowl incident, the rest of the
crew went into the hold of the
ship and divided the cargo. I'll
When Santa Claus began his tours,
About the year of Adam's fall,
There were few children, such as
Or mine, on whom he had to call;
But he was then, as he is now,
The Santa Claus of giftful hands,
So he decided to endow
The primal uncompleted lands
With what they would thereafter
To be attractive spots to man.
He filled his bags with wondrous
To plant where nimble waters ran;
He packed assorted scenery in
Convenient bundles to disburse;
He took the metals, silver, tin
And gold, to fill a nation's purse.
He started in the distant east
And scattered gifts on every
And here he left the seed for feast,
And there he left a summer land;
He gave the Alps to Italy,
To Greece he gave an azure sky,
The Rhine he left to Germany,
In Boston town the hot mince
"Huh! T guess I won't" growled
the gaudy fat man. "Give him a ring,
indeed!" And he looked at his dia
Foy's eyes were now shinging. His
face was red and controted. He
hopped up and down and waggled his
arms more vehemently ttian ever. "Me
want ring!" he roared. "Ring! Ring!
"For heaven's sake." said Cohan,
"hide your hands, man! Don't you see
you're bringing on one of his spells.
Hide your hands, or, by heavens, I
won't be responsible for the conse
A little pale by now, the fat man
I reluctantly put both hands behind hid
Bay this for Dan, though; he was
pretty decent about It. He told
me afterward they didn't even fit
him, and if he didn't wear them
with the buttons on the inside,
they itched like fury. I tell you,
it's a mistake — this making a
game of Blind Man's Buff out of
the holiday season—Why, right
now I need a pair of shoes, and
I've been distributing handbills
around the family for a week to
that effect — Notwithstanding
which I am willing to make a
bet with you. even money, I get a
hat—and I'll give odds I don't
get a thing In the world to wear
that goes on below the collar."
"Why don't you come right out
in the open and tell the family
what you want?"
"I did that once—l made a list,
I remember it very well —
one pair of garters
one loose leaf memorandum
one nail file and
"Now, you can believe it or not,
but those Aye things stood be
tween me and perfect happiness
—And what do you suppose I
"I don't know."
"What you wanted."
"Don't be an ass. The family
Arthur L. Price
liiMsttirfflitssi ls>y irsai I*. F<acis®ip
But, oh, his pack was prodigal,
And, oh, his stock had size and heft,
For when at last he came to Cal
ifornia he had samples left
Of all the best that he had ta'en
Upon his first and famous trip.
And while no land could well com
That he had given it the slip,
There still was left within his pack
His finest, tallest, straightest tree,
And in another bulging sack
A valley called Yosemite;
Within the bottom of his sleigh
Were tons and tons of virgin
A mountain tall, a splendid bay
—Why, everything but bitter
"The hour is late," said Santa Claus,
"I've made my tour around the
My labors here I well may pause,
I well may say my work is done;
These trinkets I can not take back;
I brought them out, the world to
So, California, take my pack."
That's why his treasures all are
"This is the limit." he said, appeal
ing to the other passengers. "Idiots
riding in omnibuses' Ain't that the
limit, friends "
But Foy leaped to his feet. "Ring!"
he roared, and he leaned on the fat
man's shoulders. "Give me ring!" "
Cohan now seemed to lose all pa
"Oh, hang it," he said, "give him a
ring or two, and let us have some
peace. Can't you see I've lost my
power over him?"
But the fat man, tearing his pudgy
hand from the persistent Foy's graps,
rose and ran full tilt for the door.
"Conductor, stop!" he shouted.
And he leaped off two blocks be
fore Madison square was reached. ,
Illustrated by C. H. Dsdks@na
all got together and bought me—
elegantly bound, I'll admit —'The
Rise and Fall of the Roman Em
pire.' Now, I don't know if you've
ever tried to keep your socks up
with the history of Italy or tried
to decorate your collar with a few
of the extracts taken from the
night life of Julius Caesar, or to
keep your hands presentable by
committing to memory the names
of a lot of famous martyrs, but if
you haven't, I can tell you, as man
to man, it can't be done."
"How do your family go about
lt—do they give you a lisit of
want, or do
they just let
you geyser sur
prises on the
morning of the
of the geyser
system they fi
nally let me
talk them into
my list theory.
Each and ev
ery one of
ed me with a
neat list of
just what they
took the lists and a day off and
had a wonderful time buying the
presents, paying for them and
sending them' home. Christmas
morning I arrived, we all went
down to the big table in the din
ing room and I stood a little apart
from the rest to see my theory
unfold in triumph.
"It unfolded, but I regret to re
mark there were no cries of
'Author! Author!!' I confess I was
pretty badly disappointed, aud
I've learned since that whenever
your family submits you a list of
things they want for Christmas
that list is a warning, and not a
request. In any event. I know my
family took a vote on It and de
cided to go back to the Geyser
System—as Ellen expressed it—as
between the two they'd rather
take a chance on a convulsion of
C ANT MAKE A
MISTAKE WITH A KID
"''hristmas is a fine time for
Kids, though. Every time 1 look
in a window during the Christ
mas season 1 want to mortgage
my Future and take it home to
the Youngsters. Corporal, do you
remember when you used to hang
your stocking up?"
"You bet 1 do—and I've always
been thankful that human beings
had two feet, because when T was
a Kid if lt hadn't been for the
The Muse of the
How the Cows Escaped
turned from a
back with con
s i d erable
game and a
wealth of an
"There is a .
on the edge
of the timber,
where we first
cam p," said
' ? e « has a lot <*
of fine cows.
On the morning after we had
pitched camp we were aston
ished to note that every cow in
the pasture wore a big white
blanket. On the blanket in bold
black letters this sign was
" 'Don't shoot me. I am a
fact that we were bipeds, there
wouldn't have been stockings
enough in our large family for
each one of us to have had repre
sentation on the mantelpiece.
iat'3 where Christmas belongs—
in the Nursery. Why, Man, you
can't make a mistake giving a Kid
"Not even The Rise And
•'No, they wouldn't have to read
It. and would have a fine time
tearing: the pictures out. Inci
dentally I ran across an entirely
new brand of Indoor Graft tha
"At a department store."
"No, Kid Lifting."
"What do you mean, Corporal,
"No, sir, there's not a nap
mixed up with it."
, "Come on in. Corporal, come
into the center of the Ring.
What was 'if?"
"The young Lady who manages
the Toy Department of this
store is a great friend of my
wife, and I dropped up there the
other day to deliver a message.
She put me on to it. Of course,
tjiere are different forms of it,
but this little drama was being
enacted in Automobile Row. They
have a lot of Toy Machines just
about big enough for a Kid to get
in and out of by himself. These
Toys are pretty expensive—they
rtin from eight dollars to twenty
dollars apiece. The Mother brings
the Youngster up Into the Toy
Department, picks out the ma
chine she would like to give him
If she could afford it. shows the
Kid how to crank it. tells him
not to go near it and turns her
back on him. She then takes the
Sales Lady over to another
counter, buyes a woolen ball for
five cents and a duck with a
perfectly uncomfortable propeller
in him for fifteen cents, marks
time until she hears the Heir Ap
parent tumble out into the aisle
with the Toy Auto and returns to
the scene of the disaster. Now
that machine may have been
marked fourteen dollars when she
came in, but if the Kid is per
fectly normal and blessed with
the usual curiosity of children she
will buy it for not more than
seven and all that it has cost her
to get it at fifty per cent off tbe
list is five cents for the woolen
ball, fifteen cents Tor the swim
ming swan and a brief apology to
the Sales But as you say,
Christmas is a fine thing for
"Corpora Ji I've changed my
mind—you needn't send me any
thing for Christmas."
"Don't worry—l won't, unless I
Lee W. Nelson
The high cost of living when married, my friend,
Can not by a long way compare
To the coin that you burn and the cash that you spend
When you woo some sweet lady and fair.
Have you ever tried courting a sweet, loving miss—
And a SWEET-loving girlie as well?—
If not you've ne'er noticed the high cost of bliss.
Price of courting your darling, your belle!
Perhaps you are handsome and good looks inspire
Some love in the hearts of the best;
But some orchids each evening add flame to the fire,
And give your lovemaking some zest.
And the girl that you love has her sisters and dad.
And a mamma, three brothers or so,
And so to the winds goes what money you had.
When you take all her folks to the show!
From the way that you spend, with so lavish a hand.
It would seem your cash falls from above;
On her candy and presents, on taxi bills and—
But such is the high cost of love!
The way to start saving the coin you now spend.
And still love, if you wish to. your Pearl,
To bring all your lovemaking troubles to end—
Just get out and marry that girl!
Why Barkeep Didn't
The commuter had missed his
boat for Elmhurst by a second,
so it wasn't his fault. The city
man couldn't leave Friend Sub
urbs alone, so it wasn't his fault.
The traveling: salesman had no
other place to go, so it wasn't his
fault. Nor was it the fault of the
fellow who was just hang-in*
around—it was his regular
recreation. The barkeep was do
ing his best to earn the $18 per
and perequisites for the missus
and the kids at home, so who can
blame him. It wasn't anybody's
fault—it just happened.
The four were lounging over
the mahogatvy. heads together.
The man who was earning his
salary was the only rational be
ing in the room, and the chatter
had got on his nerves.
"You're a chilly chap," com
plained the city man. "You
haven't taken a social drink with
"I never drink behind the bar,"
snapped the White Apron.
"That's a regular sermon, that
is," whined Mr. Suburbs, who was
beginning to cry. "He sells it,
but he don't d "
"Sermon nothing." broke in the
traveling man. "He don't drink
because he can't. He ain't got no
brass rail to put his foot on the
back of the bar."
He Kicks 'Em to Death
cott was a
Mont., to a
given at the
during Mr. Ol
ment at Mon
served, and on
the stage at
the end of the
there was a
t re m endous
figure out why
the live bear
should be there. At last the
toastmaster arose and made these
"I now Introduce to you Mr.
Chauncey Olcott, the sweet singer
of Irish ballads. Mr. Olcotts
chief claim to fame is not his
glorious voice. It is his wonder
ful athletic ability. He is the
man who wrestled with the bear
which you see on the platform.
He will tell you how he did it."
"Gentlemen." said the famous
actor, "to state that I wrestled
with that bear is to state a sor
did and sinister untruth. t
never wrestled with a bear in my
life. "Whenever I turn my atten
tion to one of those things. T
step nimbly up behind him. grab
him by the ears, and kick him to
What Is Fame?
They are telling in Westchester a.
story about Richard Harding Davis
and Gouverneur Morris.
These two noted writers, it appears,
were motoring the other day, and
stepped at an inn for luncheon. The
luncheon was excellent, and after it
was over Mr. Davis went out to look
over the car, leaving Mr. Morris alone.
Mr. Morris, In fine spirits from his
fine meal, said genially to tne land
"Landlord, you'll be interested per
haps to know that my companion is
Mr. Richard Harding Davis."
The landlord tried his best to look
impressed and interested.
"You don't say?" he remarked. "And
what business might he be in?"
A few minutes later Mr. Morris took
his seat in the car. and Mr. Davis re.
mained behind to settle the bill. Aa
he counted his change, Mr. Davis in
his turn said to the landlord:
"landlord, my friend there is Gou
Again the landlord looked impressed
"Morris? Morris?" he said. "The
n;ime sounds familiar. Meat line, ain't
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