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IT WAS UNEXPECTED. A STOHY FOR ST. VALENTINE'S DAT. HEN my dear Aunt MauJ died the died the very sum mer I graduated I was really too heart broken to care what became of me. Still, I had to be disposed of ia eome way. to It waa de cided that I go to live with my broth er Richard. 1 had always lived with my aunt, had known no other mother, therefore her death was the greatest blow possible to me. And this brother Richard I knew only Blightly, and that when I waa a mere chill. If I had been ia a state of mind to care about anything. I should have hated the idea of going very much. As it was, I went without a murmur. I took the journey alone, almost clear across the continent, and subsequently, after many ups and downs, arrived at Dick's town, a queer little village In South Carolina. Dick Is a moderately young bachelor. He is an attorney-at-law, and has a very fair practice Indeed. Anterior to my advent, he had lived by himself In a pretty cottage on the prettiest ttreet, and was rather a central figure, tnd was quite the most eligible young man about town. He was not spoiled, though. I found him to bo a very dear eld fellow, and determined In my heart to be to him such a faithful co operator and satisfactory housekeeper, that be would never need or desire any other. We got on famously together, so fa mously that in all probability the last chapter would have found u? still there, he a grizzled old bachelor. I a grizzled eld maid, had not something occurred which brought about a change. It all grew out of what happened one St. Valentine's eve. On this day, memorable above other days, Just about an hour after dinner Dick received a telegram to go up that evening to A , a city fifty miles away, to meet an Important client. He did not have time to come home, for Ihe train was then In sight, but he scribbled me the following note, which I did not get until nearly night, be cause the office boy neglected to bring It until that time. 3:10 p. m. Dear Girl Have to leave on next train to meet a man In A . Proba- Lly won't get home until to-morrow noon. Spend the night with the An cient (a dear old lady friend of mine.) Be sure to put that money In the bank before It closes at 4. Don't fail. DICK. It waa such a bore to lock up at that late hour and go out for the night. It had been such a gloomy afternoon, and looked like It would rain. Altogether I did not feel like It. I was not afraid, though I had never stayed alone all night in a house. And the money several thousand dollars collected for a client surely I could not at 7 put money In the bank that closed at 4. I cculd not very well carry U with me to RECEIVED A TELEGRAM, the Ancient's, and I certainly could not leave it. I had never heard of any burglaries In the village, so I made up my mind that I would stay at home that night and take the risk, if there were any, because it wis troublesome to do otherwise. I did not want any tea, so I let the servant-girl go early; and sat, neglect ing even to light the lamps, before a big oak fire In the sitting-room "think ing up" one of Dick's cases. It was a murder case, that bad a great deal of circumstantial evidence leading In va rious directions. I soon berame deeply absorbed; so deeply that I presently went to sleep at it, and In a dream saw our poor man tried, convicted ai.d actually sentenced to be hanged, and was myself possess ed of a frantic desire to attend the barging In person, my non-appearance icing wholly due to the fart that I could not find my shoes, Icing ceparated from them for ec-me uncxplalnable reason. I woke up suddenly, frightened to 1 bhrfi 4 find myself enveloped In darkness, re lieved only by aa uncanny red glow from the fast-dying coals upon the heartn. Everything was so still. Not the smallest sound except the ticking of a little clock la my darkened bedroom, and the clicking of the dying coals. I was possessed of a strange, sink ing fear. I was afraid to move, afraid to turn my head to left or right lest I see something terrifying lurking ia the gloomy corners. I was cold, too, and trembling. The room was chilled; I fancied it must be Just before dawn. My fear increased rather than dimin ished as the moments draggeJ by. I cculd hear my heart beating. I soon became enthralled by terror. I had a kind of instinctive animal fear of im pending danger. I thought of the money. It was locked up la the cabinet at my right hand, not two yards away. I found myself listening painfully, tor turously. My throat seemed swollen. I swallowed In gulps. I endeavored to rally my courage, to GETTING IN LIKE A BURGLAR, persuade myself that I had awakened from a nightmare, and was nervous; that there was nothing to fear, and that I was making a baby of myself. All to no purpose. Something was go ing to happen; something was happen ing at that moment which would bring me hurt. I could not throw off the notion. Just then it began to rala a regular dowa fall, as if the bottom bad suddenly fallen out of the clouds. I had never known it to rain so heavily. A perfect deluge, and every drop seemed to pene trate my soul. I did not move. I lay back in my cushioned chair helpless, and felt that I could not have raised my hand to my face if my life were the forfeit. Such pouring! I found myself listening behind the rain be hind all the pattering noise listening for another sound. I bad a grotesque idea that the elements and this some thing that was coming to me, were col leagued together, the one to screen the approach of the other. I was listening with every fiber of my body drawn taut. Listening for what? I did not know. Something beyond, behind the rain. Then I heard it. A sound distinct from the rain patter. A sound emanating from our little drawing-room a scraping, draw ing sound. It came from the front portico. 1 knew someone was cutting through the Venetian blinds into the house. My faintest doubt vanished seen, when I unmistakably heard the blinds dragged back and the sash creak as it was pushed up. Someone was entering the house! This person, who ever It was, knew of my brother's ab sence. Good heavens! I thought of Henry, our office man. He brought the note an open note. It was he who caused the delay which prevented my depositing the money. It was as clear as day. I rose rigidly to my feet. In a twinkling my mind was acutely active, and a thousand ways of escape surged through my brain in a moment. I unlocked the cabinet and grasped the large pocketbook which contained the notes, and thrust it into my bosom. To what purpose I did not know. I re treated Into the dense darkness of my own bedroom, where I stood uncertain and shivering. The windows were too high from the ground to admit of my Jumping there from without incurring the risk of a broken limb; besides, there was no time. At the first sound of my putting up the sash, I would be detected and overpowered. I beard a heavy tread along the hall. An idea flashed into my head like the Incision of a blade. 1 clutched the money in my bosom and stepped Into the empty fireplace. In another moment I was scrambling up the sooty chimney with the agility of a finished chimney sweep, and I kept scrambling until I had made a ttrong Lo'd for myself. What went on down below I did not know. In the cessation of the rain I could beer the heavy tread pass'r.g to 1 1 and fro In a search, I knew, fir that money. But I. frcm my lofty vantage ground, could oniy thank heaven again and again for such a blessed deliver ance. I was so benumbed with cold and fright that I think I lost consciousness, and would probably have tumbled down the chimney but that I was so rigid anJ so walled In I could not. The next thing I remember was open ing ray eyes and seeing the square of wan light above me. Then realizing all. my strength gave way, and I fell heavily striking my head against some thing which left me senseless for hours. When I came to myself, I was In the arms of a young maa whom I had never seen before. He sat upon the floor, and held my head across his knees, while he wiped the blood from my cut fore bead with a pocket handkerchief, which every now and then he would squeeze cut la a basin of water at his elbow. I don't suppose there was ever a more terrLled young man upon this earth of ours. Imagine aa Inoffensive young man turning up la a towa where aa la timate friend lived, coming In oa the very traia that takes his Intimate friend out. Imagine the intimate friend cordially Inviting the newcomer to his house, telling him that there was no body In It, but that te could put up there, make himself lord and master, find plenty to eat by foraging around, and get a good bed. Then to make the thing complete, give him the wronsc keys by which to let himself in. Imag ine this newcomer booming about town until 11 o'clock, then striking out for his. friend's abode; overtaken by the rain: at last to arrive at his intended abiding place to discover he has the wrong keys, which necessitated his climbing into the house like a burglar. Imagine him piling Into the first bed ho comes to, very soon clnklng off Into the untroubled slumber of the Innocent at heart, to be awakened at the peep of day by a something tumbling down the chimney. Not a hobgoblin that were better but a young woman, be spattered and grimy, but still a young woman, and one probably more dead than alive. Imagine It all If you can, for that Is what happened to the mis guided young man, who held me across his knees and wiped the blood from my broken forehead on that memorable St. Valentine's morning. Imagine It, and tell me if men through stupidity don't cause half of all the trouble ia the world. We ex plained It all to each other as best we could, for I was really ill, and quite ready to go oft into another swoon. When the servant girl came he went for the doctor, and Mary got me to bed. Dick came at noon, and was horrified at what had happened. But the doctor had pronounced me mora frightened than hurt; and really, but for the dread ful cold I had caught, and my wounded forehead, it did not amount to any thing, and soon became a tremendous Joke. And It turned out that this friend of Dick's, whose acquaintance I made in such an unconventional fashion, was HELD MY HEAD ACROS3 HIS KNEES. the very client whose money I de fended. And it also came about that that he that I that we . have we have grown to know each other very well; and Dick Dick Is to look out for an other co-operator before next fall; be causewell, for reasons best known to myself. Flossie (meeting Featherstone on the 6treet) Sister says those flowers you sent her in place of a valentine were so appropriate. Featherstone (highly pleased) Did she really think so, Flossie? Flossie Yes; she said after you left last night she waa just about dead. Accom pnnled. Dora Did any kisres come with Mr. Fpooner's valentine? Cora Yes, in dee J. He brought it himself. 1 (Mil A I m$ COMIC" VALENTINES. THEY MAKE ONE MAN LAUGH AND ANOTHER SWEAR. About th Mia Vtha Mke 'Kin Mr. Howard Intluts lu Thvia W he II ! Had. aud ClMCI 100,000.000 ttlt Word l'cr Year. HAVE discovered tae man who makes all the comic valen tines. Yes, gentle reader, it is true that one conscience Las to carry the en tire burden. Tcr Laps you do not kno- hew heavy that burden is. Learn, then, that the person to whom I have referred draws about 900 valentine pictures every year, and each of them Is printed ia editions of 15,000. Most of them arc sold in this country, but there Is also quite an export trade with Europe. The most popular of them run through many editions. Cut let U3 suppose that each of them has two editions. That will give a total of 27.000.000 a year. Now, reflect, further, that everyone cf them Is designed to make somebody swear, and you begin to get au Idpa cf the ter rible business la which this artist Is engaged. Let us suppose that 0,000, 000 cf them reach their destinations, and that each individual recipient swears only five tln.es. We have a to tal of 100,003,000 cuss-words, for which my friend, the artist. Is directly rcspon- 3 THE BABOON VALENTINE. 6ible, every year. Suppose, further, that the artist holds his Job thirty-six and a half years, and afterwards suf fers In purgatory one day for every piece of violent language caused by him, as computed above, he will be there 10,000.000 years, and I do not call It enough, writes Howard Fielding in a New York paper of recent date. These mathematical operations are founded upon exact facts. In this let ter I am simply trying to state a matter of news la plala words. I have known the valentine artist for a long time, but never suspected him of doing anything of that kind. It was only yesterday that I learned about It. I went Into his work shop Just as ho finished a drawing. I looked over his shoulder expecting to see a pretty pic ture designed for one of the magazines, with the familiar signature, C. Howard. Instead I saw a horrible freak wearing a white apron and engaged In pouring cats into a sausage-mill. "That's a sweet thing, Howard," said I. "What's It for?" "For a butcher' said he. "It's In tended to be a slight token of some body's regard oa Feb. 14. I've made nearly a thousand of these things this year. hat do you suppose oiu Saint Valentin us, patron of the pleasant occa sion, will do with me when, he gets hold of me?" That naturally led to a discussion of the whole subject. It appears that Howard does not allow these drawings to Interfere in any way with his art work. He has a very nice way of get ting the time to do them. In those moments of dissatisfaction which an ordinary man would waste In swearing or In throwing a fellow creature down stairs Howard simply draws valentines. It relieves his frcllngs perfectly. I was glad to know this, for I had been at a loss to account for the exemplary mild ness of his disposition. It would be unjust, of course, to compare so favor ed a person with ourselves. We do not have the opportunity of Insulting 27. 000,000 strangers every year. We must do the best we can with only our fam ilies and friends. It appears that comic valentines are all offensive. They are divided broadly into two classes, which are known tech nically as the "Hlt-'em-Hards" and the "Long Jokers." By the rules of ordi nary social courtesy a person may reply to a Long Joker with a club; but If he gets a Hit-'em-Hard he takec down the old musket from the wall. The enormous sale of theso things proves that they must fill a longing of the human heart. Tho two Hexes frt-1 this want about equally. Just as many are painted for men as for women. I K-IMP, THE OLD MAID ALWAYS SEEMS WELL. regard that as an Interesting fact which might easily escape the notice of a Icfs acute student of human nature than myself. Just how badly you have to hate a person before you feel Impelled to Insult him pictorially on the Hth of February I am unable to state. But there must be a good many million peo ple? In this country who could tell from their personnl experience. This prac tice fchows the Knernl recognition of the artistic value 0f contrast. An added thnrra mutt cling to the pic- 4 1, rvtvwwi mil . t l 1. f VI II li Ml , J J At, .1 A tl M. 'J tare of a lackass labelled "This is You when it i received on the day sacred to lovers' tokens. Mr. Howard tell me that there valen tines are all directed to the pictorial exhibition of some human fault or folly It they were confined to any otaer field he might find It difficult to draw at many as 900 In a single year. A considerable number of the valen tines Intended for women satirise ec centrlclties of fashion. This wiuter there la a great field for that sort of work In the prevailing style of capes, The preposterously broad and stiff shoulders with their convoluted edges turned up, make a woman look like the head of John the Baptist on a charger Mr. Howard tells me that he has tried to exaggerate the absurdities of this kind of cane and haa failed. I can't make It look worse than It really does when I see It on the street. he said, "and so I have to make up for it by drawing a cross-eyed woman In side the cape. Tho worse the face looks the better the valentine sells. 1 should think it would make a pocr girl who had put all her cash Into one of those eopea feel pretty good to be tenderly remembered with one of these cape valentines on the 14th. I understand that they are already In great demand which shows the state of envious re sentment nmnntr tho eirls who are wearing their last winter's capes." Passing to men's attire, the dude In caricature of this order has changed very little ia the past five or fix years I.i this connection the artist told me one of the toughest experiences that ev(r I heard. It appears that he onco drew a particularly offensive dude val entlne. The absolute Idiocy of the countenance which he put on the dude left nothing whatever to be desired Of course, there were many other dude caricatures that year, but this was tho most offensive by long odds. It hap pened that a young man of Mr. How ard's acquaintance got three valentines that year from three different cities, and every one of his unknown admirers picked out this Identical valentine. What could a man think under such exceptional circumstances except that there was a distinct resemblance be tween himself and the fellow In the pic ture? It must have been deeply do pressing. I learn from Mr. Howard that this gentleman did not commit sul clde, but he would have committed murder under favorable conditions, One of the most successful valentines ever sent out was entitled "The Slug' gard." It represented a man In bed A pair of naked and gigantic feet hung over the footboard, which was in the foreground: and the sun, with a smile of derision on his countenance, was seen looking In through an open win dow. Mr. Howard gave this to me In a philosophical spirit as a sample ol what Is considered a rare joke by many thousands of persons. Terhaps the richest thing If popular applause be the criterion in the line of comic val entines for women was a picture en titled "Going to Seed." It represented a particularly ill-conditioned plant In a large red flower-pot, and the llower was the typical head of an old maid. Thou sands upon thousands of these were sold, and they served, doubtless, to em bitter the thoughts of a corresponding number of women who ought rather to have been congratulated. While many of these valentines are used in malice, the real reason why they sell is that the people think that they aro funny. There's a very deep theme. I have o THE MODERN DUDE. made a special duty of the problem, What do people laugh at? And I have partly solved It. I have learned what I myself laugh at but the remaining persons mentioned In Mr. Porter's cen sus have thus far eluded me. And even In my own case the result is not con stant. One day, perhaps, I can laugh at one of my own Jokes, and a few days later, when I run across it in a copy ol an old magazine which died before I was born, it don't seem funny at all. But Mr. Howard has gone farther. He has not only digcovered the secret ol what Is humor to a great class of out citizens, but he has learned what will make one man laugh and another man swear. I call that a considerable tri umph. A I'rudcnt Mothrr. Clara WJnterbloom I don't know whether to send Mr. Silverspoon a val entine or not. Mrs. Wlnterbloom He is coming to night, Isn't he? Clara Yes, he said he would be here on important business. Mrs. Wlnterbloom (hopefully) per haps you would better wait. It may nol be necessary. r.mny Enough. Mrs. Von Blumer Mamie wants to give the little boy across the way a val entine, but she wants to put It on the doorstep early in the morning. Von Blumer I see. How can It be done? Mrs. Von Blumer-I thought you might do It on your way from the club. I'leaird Him. Dashaway Miss Penstock says she Is going to send me this year a valentine made with her own hands. Cleverton You seem overjoyed with the Idea. Dashaway-I am, old mnn. It isn't anything I shall have to wear. Konm I'm, Featherstone Willie, I don't see that valentine that I gave your sister In this pile. Willie No; she cave It to tho baby to Play with. ,lentinE) Winds that roam, with a homeless sound, Under a sky all leaden gray: Ice on runnel, and snow on ground; Leafless branches that bleakly sway- In winter days, for hearts that pine, Hast thou no balm. Saint Valentine! Where arc the crickets' castanets. Where sre the songsblrds' melodic floods? Where now slumber the violet. Where hide the pussy w lllow buds? Whisper within this ear of mine Such secrets, kind Saint Valentine; Alas! the saint shall never tell Tho mystery of all these things; Yet round one his name weaves a spell, Charming as waft of elda wings, Whence lads and lassies may divine Tho presence of Saint Valentine. Kind Is he, yes, but old. they say, With hair and beard like yonder snow, Perhaps young folks would feel dismay, Were he to then his face to show. When they, with wax or gilded twine, Seal missives marked 'Saint Valen tine!" flush! through the frosty atmosphere What steals to earth? A radiant boy! Whoso eyes do look so sweetly queer They make one blush yet fill with joy Ha. ha! Come quaff, In sparkling wine, Good health to rare Saint alentlne! The Firit Valentine. My sister Sue has seven now, And Antoinette has nine; i7V O ft AND LOVELY GOLD LACE ON THE EDGE." I wonder If the next will be My own dear valentine? I've watched the postman most all day. And now It's nearly eight; I go to bed at seven; this onco Mamma said I might wait. He's coming 'round the corner now; Oh, dear! he's going past! No, no! he's coming in to bring My valentine at last. I know it must be mine this time: It Is! It's 'dressed to me Miss Dorothea Helen Brown," As plain aa it can be. It's Just aa pretty as a pink, . With angel boys with wings, And rosy wreaths and ribbon knots, And hearts and other things. And lovely gold lace on the edge, And poetry In line; It says: "My love, I love but thee, Thy faithful valentine." My sisters said that valentines : 1 Were not for little girls. Whose dresses did not reach their boots Who wore their hair In curia. Cut I don't care; they haven't on That's half so nice as mine; How glad I am I'm old enough To have a valentine! 1 The foffi Valentine. He had wooed the muse Erato, She whom ardent lovers name. Slowly and In HneB staccato By the flickering midnight flame; And when eastward dimly, faintly, Made the sun his morning sign, On the sacred day and saintly, Did he send his valentine. O the wealth of rhymlc roses He had woven In his verse! Opulence of liquid closes, Flowery metaphors and terse. Then with what seemed Inspiration ffifVA Tm U5GUI5E r IS RESPECTFULLY DECLINED. All his former flights above, By a natural gradation Did he lead up to his love. Fondly, patiently he waited, Warmed by all the flres of hope Came at last the long-belated, Precious, perfumed envelope How familiar was the savor Of that missive to his mind, For he read-"yonr gracious favor 18 respectfully declined!" PENGUIN DADJIE3 QUeT Tbty Vatm Tta.lr l .r.nu X, Troul.ie. From Young Idea: You win that the penguin baby u very f looks as though he might be x.'1 k good for eating, but if v0,i .,T'1? ' father and mother penguin i.i you would find them uncommon!, The care of the baby has so . : their minds and the trouble of enough fish for three to eat th superfluous flesh for the tlme'hai , ished. Baby penguin has Tan nest, softly The mother tucks tho nl .7 and safely nmonc w "1J feathers and even move, slowly with great gravity ever the cliffs J? ing the egg. while father penguin . fishing. Mother penguin looks a. ,? during this time as the baby dor n but when the egg is hatched She . fishing, too. and soon grows as thin? father penguin himself. You not'eetv funny little wings Just beginninz , start on baby's shoulders. Well, nio-hf0. and father penguin "have longer ohm but they are still more like fins wings. Nearly all the time is spentJ the water and fins are more useful t them than wings; when oa land the! little half wing are used as hgg the birds are often mistaken for quad rupeds aa they run over the ground They do not Beem to be troubled m Insomnia. When asleep they can h. kicked several feet and never Vei wake up. There Is a variety r-lled th Jackass penguin,, from its habit ' throwing back its head and making i loud, strange noise that sound3 life the braying of that animal. The k'sr penguins have regular towns, where every inch of ground Is measured ol In squares for nests. The young birds ore arranged in a certain locality 1 molting birds In another, and tho clean oirus quite apart rrom ail these. So strictly are they all divided that if moulting bird should accidentally stray m ur iuu iicuu uirua 11 would be k stantly put out. In the Falkland ll lands and In Patagonia these bl'ii abound. They are also very nuraercnu in certain Islands of the southern Pi. cific ocean. On some of them 20 (M. 40,000 are constantly landing or golcj to sea. "TR1LDY" WAKES UP JOHN BULL He Hat Juat IicoTd That JonatW, l.ltrritr Judgment Wa C'orrrrt. Our British cousins did not take vcr? strongly to "Trilby" when that novel was first put upon the market, says the New York World. The English rritin who are a very clever and high s:i- aricd lot of gentlemen, Instantly an nounced with a suddenness of perccp. ception and Immobility of coavietica peculiar to the British Isle that there was really nothing In the book, and the British public, which has been waiting with strained ears to catch the mani festo of the critics, at once came to the same conclusion. Shortly afterward the work became extremely popular la America, and when they heard this the British critics and tho British public threw ttelr hats up In the air and ej- claimed aloud in a frenzy of Joy aaj self-congratulation: "Did not we say long ago that there was nothing in 'Trilby V" AnJ "Is it not now proved that we were r!ght?The great American public has approved 0! 'Trilby. The great American public never approves cf cnything that is worthy of approval; therefore, oh, it li so plain, 'Trilby' Is trashy." But now two years have passeJ and the sad news Is flashed over the cable that the discerning British public and critics have succumbed. They eo acknowledge "Trilby' as their quc-ei They have the "Trilby ' craze. They wear Trilby shoes. They give Trilby teas. The women buy Trilby garters. The concert halls are all giving Trilby burlesques. In fact, "the Trilby infec tion" no reads the cable dlspacn) "has . . worked in the slower English tiiooa 1 ! fever no less violent than that froa which America recovered months ago. The craze has Invaded everything an! become almost Insufferable to the Americans In London. More tban 100, 000 copies of the book have now been published here, and tho demand is un satisfied." If the British public keep up th!i hustling there Is every possibility that they will adopt the sleeping car la time. . She Left. ' She waa very pretty and very well dressed. When she boarded the traia at 14th street she began to make In quiries of the guard. A gray-hatred old gentleman oa the opposite side cf the car courteously begged leave to tell her where to go. A young man next to him begged his leave to differ and to suggest that the lady had better follow another route. A laboring man corrected him and there was a lively squabble by the time the train reachel 8th street. The lady had blushed and begged pardon through it all, but the men had each contended that his the only proper method of reaching the point. The train rolled out of Sta street and the old gentleman re marked pompously, with a wave of b! bond: "I assure you, madam " And at his sudden pause all the naea turned to look and found that the lady had fled at 8th street. New York World. Telegraph of the tVorld. One of the leading publications de voted to the news of the electrical world has been at pains to gather t tUtlcs from official sources regarding the extent of the telegraph system of the world, the figures being brought up to December 1. The total length of tel egraph lines In the world Is 0 01 miles, and the total miles of wire ul on tne same 2.682.583, cr enough to f around the globe at the equator over 107 times. The total miles of Hn ' the United States January 1, 1S95. w 190,303, with total miles of wire 790,791 Mammoth King;. In India at the time of the British oc cupation foliated rings were fashiona ble. They were so large that wnes worn on the second finger they cover Iraott all the outer portion of the ban Nothing to Wear. "Prepare to die!" hissed the hfT Villain. "Ooodneaa! Not In this rOor rig, I hope," replied the heroine, 'I:B in apprehensive glance toward mirror. Detroit News.