Tho Remomlm Harbor.
burdette.
The wild, ungovernable pasalona bar
l)er has for trimming your hair ! On the
4lh of December I wan in Boston, think
ing about lecture I wan expected to
deliver in the evening, and wan no bad
ly scared that I couldn't remember the
subject nor what it won about. 1 went
into Tremontstreet “ Institute of Facial
Manipulation and Tonsorial Decora
tion,” and inquired for the Professor
who occupied tho chair of Mediicval
Shaving and Nineteenth Century Sham
poo. One of tho junior members of the
faculty, who was brushing an under
graduate’s coat, pointed me to a chair,
and I climbed in. When the perform
ance wan about concluded, the barber
said to me:
Have your hair trimmed, sir ?”
I believed not.
“ Needs it very badly,” he said, ‘‘lookn
very ragged.”
1 never argue with a barber. I said,
“ All right, trim it a little, but don’t
make it any nhorloi."
Ho immediately trimmed all the curl
out of it, and my hair naturally, yon
know, ban a verv graceful curl to it. I
never discovered thin myself until a few
months ago, and then I wan very much
surprised. 1 discovered it by looking at
my lithograph.
Well, anyhow lie trimmed it.
On the bib of December I wan at Bath,
Maine. Again I wan shaved, and again
the barber implored me to let him trim
my liair. When 1 answered him that it
hail teen trimmed only two days be
fore, he spitefully asked where it wan
done. I told him, and ho gaxe expres
sion to a hurst of sarcastic laughter.
“ Well, well, well," he said at last, “so
vou let them Mini your hair in Boston.
Well, well. Now yon look like a man I
who has been around the world enough
to know better Ilian that."
Then he all'eeted to examine a lock or
two very particularly, and sighed
heavily.
" Dear, dear,” he said, " I don’t know,
really, as I could do anything with that
hair or not; it's too had.”
Well, his manner frightened me, and
I told him to go ahead and trim it, lint
please not make it any shorter.
“ No,” he said, “oh, no, it wasn't nee
essary to cut it any shorter; it was real
ly too short now; hut it did need trim
ming."
Ho lie “trimmed" it, and when I
faced the Rockland audience that night
I looked like a prize-lighter.
In four days from that lime I was sil
ting in the chair of a barber down in
New York stale. He shaved me in
guileful silence, and then thoughtfully
mn his lingers over my lonely hair.
" Trim this hair a little, sir V” he said,
straightening it up about the edges.
I meekly told linn I had it tiimmed
twice during the preceding week, and I
was afraid it was getting too short for
winter wear.
"Yes," he said, "lie didn’t know lint
what it was pretty short, hut yon didn’t
need to cut it any shorter to trim it. It
was in i>. very had, ragged shape at the
ends."
1 remained silent and obstinate, and
he asked me where I had it trimmed
last, I (old him, and he hurst into a
shout of laughter that made the win
dows rattle.
“ What's the matter, Jim V" inquired
an assistant partner down the room,
holding his patient in the chair by the
nose,
Jim stilled his laughter and replied:
“ This gentleman had his hair I rim
med down in Maine."
There was a general hurst of merri
ment all over the simp, and the ap
prentice laid down the brush lie was
washing and eame ever to look at the
Maine ent, that he might never forget
it. I surrendered. “Trim it a little,
then,” I groaned, "hut in the name of
humanity, don’t cut it any shorter.”
“ No” said the burlier," I won’t make
it a hair's breadth shorter."
When i left that shop, if it had not
been for my ears, my hat would have
(alien down clear en niv shoulders.
When I reached the hotel, everybody
started,and a couple ef them got up and
read a handbill on the wall, descriptive
of a convict who had recently escaped
Irom H : ngHing, and looked from the
hill to niysell very intently. Thai night
several of the audience drew revolveis
as I came nut on the platform.
Then I went to Amsterdam, New
York. The barber of that sleepy vil
lage, who, in the interval of his other
duties, acts as mayor oQ the town and
edits the loeal paper, undertook to shave
me with a piece of lioon iron he pulled
out of his hoot-leg. When 1 resisted,iie
went out into the kitchen, and came
hack with a knileheu knife and a can
opener, and oflered me my choice, 1
selected the can-opener, and he began
the massacre, remarking, incidentally,
that he used to keep a good sharp spoke
shave for his particular customers, hut
had lost it. Then he said my hair
needed trimming very badly. I protest
ed that it was impossible; it had been
trimmed three times within ten days,
and was as short now as a business man
on the first day of January.
“ Oh,” lie said, “it wasn't too short,
and besides, there wasn't any style
about it at all.” He could give it some
shape, however, he said, without mak
ing it any shorter.
So I surrendered.aed told him lo shape
it up. And if that fore-doomed, aband
oned, Amsterdam son of an oakum
picker didn't go out into the wood-shed
and came hack with a rusty old horse
rasp and begin to tile away what little
hair I had left, He allowed a few
shreds and patches to remain, however,
clinging hero and there to my scalp in
ghostly loneliness. 1 rather feared that
my appearanae that evening would
create a panic, but it did not. 1 ob
served that the majority of the audi
ence had their heads shaped up after
the same manner, and were rather
pleased with my conformity to the local
custom and style.
Well, 1 got along lo Oorry, I’a., and
rushed in lor a shave, and got it in one
lime and two motions,
“ Hair trimmed sir?" said the harbor.
1 supposed he was speaking sarcasti
cally, and so laughed, but very feebly,
for I was getting to ho a little sensitive
ou the subject of my hair, or rather my
late hair. But he repeated his ques
tion and said it needed trimming very
badly. 1 told him that was what
ailed it, it had been trim rat'd to death;
why, I said my hair had been trimmed
five times during the past thirteen
days, and I was afraid k wouldn’t last
much longer.
“ Well," ho said. “ it was hardly the
thing for a man of my impressive ap
pearance, who would naturally attract
attention tho moment ho entered a
room, (I have lo stand on my tiptoes
and hold on with both hands to look
over the hack of a car-seat,) to go
around with such a head of hair, when
lie could straighten it out for me in a
minute.”
I told him to go ahead, and closed
my eyes, and wondered what would
come next.
That fellow took a pair of dentist’s
forceps and "pulled” every lock of
hair 1 had left.
“There,” he said, proudly, "now
when your hair grows out it will grow
out even.”
1 was a little dismayed at first, when
I looked at my glittering poll, hut after
all it was a relief to know that the end
was reached, and nobody could torment
me again lo have my hair trimmed for
several weeks. But when J got shaved
at Ashtabula, the barber insisted on
puttying up the holes and giving niv
head a coat of shellac. I yielded, and
niv head looked like a varnished globe
with the maps left off. Two days after
I sat in a barber’s chair at Mansfield.
'l'li<s barber shaved me silently. Then
he paused, with a bottle poised in his
hand, and said: “Shampoo?"
1 answered him with a look. Then
he oiled my hairless globe and bent
over it a moment with a hair brush,
Tnen he said:
"On which side do yon part your
hair?”
• ♦>
A One Kail Itiiilwiiv.
Mr. N. F. Oilman, of Rochester,
Minn., has invented anew style of rail
way, a section of which is in operation
at that place. The rail is a single j.
shaped beam, H inches deep for freight,
and Jfi inches deep for passenger lines,
the design being to keep the lines for
the two classes of trailic distinct and
separate. The X shaped beam is sup
ported by gas pipe legs spreading from
the bottom of the beam, like those of a
carpenter’s saw horse, and occurring
once in every ten feet in the freight and
once in twenty feet in the passenger
lines, Tho feel of the gas pipe legs
rest upon large llat stones hurled in the
ground, and are fastened firmly to tho
same by holts passing llirongh the cen
ter of t lie stone. By means of this con
struction the road is built cheaply and
expeditiously, without wooden lies or
earth embankments, amt the beam is
fastened securely in its place. The
weight of the ear is supported by trucks
running on the bottom flanges of the
beam. These trucks occur once in two
feel of the length of tho ear, and are
placed alternately on each side of the
beam, the weh of the beam standing im
between them. To keep the ear up
right horizontal trucks running on both
sides ol the beam and at each end of
tin 1 ear are used. These horizontal
trucks are eight in number, four at each
end of the car, i mining opposite each
other on each side of the heain and
against its upper and lower edges. By
means of this system of trucks it is ul
leily impossible lor the ear lojunip the
track or tip over, so long us the heain
itself keeps upright, The advantages
of this road are numerous and very
great; hut the first and greatest of all is
its economy, as the inventor estimates
Ihiil three-fourths of tin* cost of con
struction and nine-tenths of the run
ning expenses will he saved by its
means over the present road. The. roll
ing slock will he much reduced in
weight, the road will he rendered per
fectly level and easy for travel, wVde
the rate of speed attainable can only he
estimated as yet. The inventor claims
that (he continent should he crossed in
twenty-four hours with his system in
perfect working order. A 'utinmil Cur
Huildi i.
“Our Lumllonl."
DHroM Fll'o I'll'HH.
While il in to he supposed (lull a mini
with a house In rent in anxious to se
cure all tlie rent lu> can not, there art*
Home ollsets whirh never leak out, and
people Invvo coiiio In regard tho major
ity of landlords in hhylocks. Mr. Hlank,
of the northern part of 100 city had a
house to rout. Timt in, after hr had
laid out $ lUii in repairs ho railed it a
hotiar, hut thr vary first woman who
rauio for tho kry Innulrd il hark with
tlm remark:
“ I am not obliged to live in either a
alahle or pig-pm.”
The arrond woman started to look
through (lie houar, hut she not no fur
ther than the ha!l. She said site had
never lived in a house with a hall less
than seven feel wide, and she was not
noinn to henin this late. The third cns
tomer was a man, and he wanted two
partitions knocked out and three doors
to swinn the other way. The fourth
was a hoy sent hy his mother to see if
a certain hed*room carpet in the house
they thru occupied would lit a certain
hrd-room in this house. It wouldn't,
and as the owner refused to sipiee/e
the walls together the hoy broke oil'all
further diplomatic relations.
Thu next munirer was a woman whose
son was about to he married, and as she
was to live wit*.' the new family she
wanted to he sure about the convenien
ces of the house. Shedidn’t want much
done to this house. All she wanted
was the rent cut down one-half, the roof
raised another story, the yard increased
to a hundred feet front, and a few tri
tles in lhi> way of hay windows, fresco
ing, etc.
'The last call was yesterday. The
owner went over in company with a
young man who earns $7 per week,
and is to he married soon. The house
just suited him. He wouldn't have a
single tiling changed, lie had been
looking for just such a house for two
years, and he wondered why all houses
were not built just like it. When the
owner mentioned rent in advance, the
young man grew sad and replied:
“Sir, if my word is not good enough
for a month's rent, we must part fare
well 1“
tiiiANmutv.iiTKR —“lint you will go
to the funeral of your old friend, grand
pa ?” Octogenarian—“o,l don't know.
Hon't talk to me o' funerals. Much as
ever 1 shall be able to gel to my own.”
A STRANG.! STORY.
The Narrow Escape From /ImiKinir of
an Innocent Englishman.
Hutton Advertiiicr.
The cose of William Habron, who
was imprisoned for two years uml a
half, ami narrowly escaped hanging, as
a punishment for the crime committed
by Charles I’eace, illustrates some of
the many queer features of English
criminal law. Habron was convicted
in 1870. on the flimsiest evidence, of the
murder ol Policeman Cos k, at Whalley
range, near Manchester. He was con
demned to death, but the sentence was
afterward commuted to life imprison
ment. .lust before Peace* was executed
he confessed that he was the murderer,
and an inquiry set on foot immediately
by Mr. Cross, the Home Secretary, left
i ■> doubt that he had spoken truly.
Habron was thereupon released. Yet,
owing to the peculiarities' of English
law, he is still nothing more than a par
doned felon. There is no such thing in
England as appeal in criminal cases,
am! there is no court of review. When
oil's; a man is brought in guilty, he is
guilty forever, and there is no way of
reversing the sentence. Accordingly, it
is only because the Home Secretary was
convinced that Habron had been wrong
ed by the jury in the trial in 1870 that
he is now a free man.
This is not all.
The story of the manner of his release
is somewhat astounding. On the day
after toe notice was received from the
Horne Office that Habron was pardon
ed, be was permitted to rise! as usual,
and to begin the day as if lie were again
to work in the quarry connected with
the Portland Prison. He was then tak
en to the weighing room and weighed,
his clothes were changed, and he was
taken to the railway station. All lids
time he had no hint that he was to be
set free. On the railway train lie was
handcuffed. He was taken to Millbank
Prison, and while there narrowly escap
ed being set to work picking oakum,
along with some other prisoncs, but the
warder came into the room in time to
prevent that mistake from being car
ried out. It was then that he was told
that he was no longer “C 1547,” but Wil
liam Habrou once more. It is the test
imony of all who have seen the young
man since his release that he is a quiet,
well-mannered person, thoroughly
worthy of the sympathy the wrong he
has suffered has given him. Me laments
most of all his lost time, saying that
ethers have been able in the time to
learn trades by which they can support
themselves, while he has learned noth
ing. It is understood that the govern
ment intends to make him a handsome
present, and to do all that is possible to
make amends for the injustice done
him. Home reparation is certainly
due him, lin'd it is to be hoped that his
better fortune now will not do him any
further injury, as prosperity after a
long season of adversity sometimes
does.
Tin* Fashions.
Nr Vui k Tritium),
II INNIOTH.
lii dress great changes urn taking
place; touching bonnets, their variety
is inliinte, mill their name legion, A
score or two of years have passed away
since the straw tunnel in which ladies
faces once resided was iihaiidoned for
the little cotta.re ornce. Now the coal
scuttles, the large gypsy, the wide brims
of our great grandmothers, return in a
revival of Leghorn, yellow Tuscan, and
a variety of pretty open-worked straws.
The latest openings shows a niedly of
dilferent shanes belonging to and i tie rent
epochs and dilferent nations; not only
are French and English streets repre
sented, but Indian, Chinese, Japanese,
and even African. There exists a cer
tain fascination in the large distingue
Leghorn bonnet, with its limiting pale
ivory-tinted ostrich plumes, cream
colored facings of shirred satin, broad
satin bias strings edged with delicate
cream-colored Hreton lace, and the
same sod lint observed in some looped
satin bows mingled with lace. All ecru
tints and shaders of cream, ivory, blnlf,
and cowslip-) ellow are very fashionable.
The wide brims, something it the
scoop shape, are all faced for the early
days of spring with satin, velvet, or
shirred India muslin, which is as deli
cate as lace or tarletun. The satin fac
ings are of all cream shades, faint tints
of yellow, tea-rose, aad straw-color, and
of dark velvet, n(lording a charming
contrast to the outer adornings. Dark
garnet, gendarme, dark bottle-green,
Sevres-blue, and black are greatly used.
In place of feathers, (lowers are placed
in heavy masses outside of the bonnets
in half wreaths of very large roses
without foliage. Some of the new chip
bonnets are simply trimmed with a half
handkerchief of satin, either white or
striped, called a Fanchon, and are
laid over the crown, the edges
trimmed with Hreton lace. Fern
chip bonnets show a combination
of garnet satin and cream-color, and are
lined with India muslin drawn in finest
shirrs; the strings are doubled muslin,
edged with plaited Hreton lace. The
new rosean, or reed green, the color of
first grayish green grasses and water
reeds of spring, has a charming etlecl
in a wreath of loilage made to pass
around the crown of a bonnet, with
satin ribon of the same delicate tint
passing down at the sides, serving for
strings. A tiyjisv shape is made of Ltg
horn. to be worn very much over the
face, in the coquettish manner brought
about by the brim being held down to
the sides of the head by strings, causing
the hat to flare in the front and behind.
This is trimmed with a cream-colored
ostrich tin, and a large cluster of damask
roses ami half-blown buds; the s'rings
are double-faced satin,garnet and straw
colored, which arc tied in a bow at the
back. The wide brims are bent by the
milliners to accord w ith the (ace of the
wearer.
Black bonnets lose none of their old
.popnlaiitv, and are trimmed with a
■ great deal of black Hreton lace jet orna
i ments, ietted-fealers, and when colors
are liked upon the black lace bonnets,
I tea-rose is added, sometimes g imet, em
broideries of old gold silk, or lace and
while. Hlaek chip bonnets are more
distingue w hen trimmed altogether with
black satin for the lining, black feather
lips, and an addition of the gold em
broidered lace.
Straw beads, and galloon.’and cay tin
sel galloon are among the new orna
ments. lihine pebbles scintillate like
diamonds mounted as spray. Large
clewed rings hold the Alsatian and Lor
raine bows in place, and there are glit
tering Rhine pebbles set in silver an
chors, dragons, tridents, beetles, darts,
horseshoes, crescents, crowns, and tur
tles. Flowers are used in enormous
quantities. Roses are very large, and
set in rows without foliage, next to a
row of chrysanthemums, which forsake
their natural colors, and bloom in cop
per tints, sapphire blue, palest green,
and olive. The bright scarlet of pop
pies gleam over large clusters of cream
colored mignonette, and pansies assume
all colors but their own. Delicate crape
leaves are formed into garlands of gray
green and garnet; (lowers of whatever
nature are greatly used by way of con
trast in wreaths for the crowns and half
wreaths for the forehead.
New Mexico’s Carbonates—Full I’urtleu.
lars of flu* Recent Find in the South
Denver Tribune, Mb.
The Tribune of Wednesday morning
contained a special dispatch from .Santa
Ee, giving a necessarily brief account of
the finding of silver ores in the shape of
carbonates of lead. Correspondents a
Santa Fe supplement the telegraphic ac
count with fuller details. According to
these letters (for there are several) no
doubt seems to exist that the mineral is
carbonate, indeed, they have ajmine
called the Carbonate.
The silver-bearing district is about ten
miles from north to south, and six miles
from east to west, and is near Pino’s
ranch, on the middle road, southwester
ly from Santa Fe twenty miles, and
about the same distance from liernalillo.
A small stream, the Rio Cerrillo, flows
through the district. The topogiaphy
of the district is a number of hills or
mounds, more or less connected, rising
out of the plain or mesa.
Mineral has been known to exist in
the Corrillos fur years past, there being
mines of numerous shafts and tunnels
used by the Spanish over a century ago.
Some of these shafts are nearly 200 feet
deep, wlh levels MOO or -100 feet in
length, and in them are (he decayed
poles with notched surface which served
as ladders in that primitive age, and by
which Indian slaves descended into the
mines and bore hack with them the
mineral, packed on their hacks. Great
quantities of old slag survive the min
eral furnaces, which in that early nay
yielded, by a crude process, asullieiency
of mineral to justify an enormous
outlay, as is attested by the extent of
the mines which abound in that
vicinity. The difficulty recently has
been in the refractory character of the
rock. With the new developments and
experience at Loadville in the treat
ment of carbonates, it is possible, may
he found the solution of Corrillos'
mines. One of the hills has been well
nigh leveled with tlie plain, in what
seems manifestly a search for torquois
or precious metals, and a shaft 150 feet
deep has been known to exist in these
hills since a time to which the memory
of man runneth not, and to which the
innumerable and vague local traditions
of the existence of precious metals,
in some degree, doubtless have refer
ence.
During the last few years a number
of parties have been perfecting titles to
mineral lands at this camp with a view
to their desirability as soon as the rail
roads should advance to within avail
able nearness to it. A few weeks since
Mr. Frank Demmiek, an old prospector
favorably known to manv of the Trib
une's readers, made a visit to the Cer
rillos and began a careful but quiet ex
amination of their resources. His fre
quent trips to Santa Fe and numerous
assays of ore which lie was continually
making excited curiosity, which early 5
developed interest, and at this time a
mining excitement promising a furore
is fermenting. General Atkinson, In
dian agent Thomas, and a number of
ladies left in a four-horae ambulance at
7 o’clock on the morning of the till for
the new camp to inspect its richness.
They were shortly followed by a four
mule out tit loaded with prospectors,
among whom were Colonel McClure,
Mr. Charles Thayer, anil Deputy Sur
veyors McUrown and Taylor. Other
teams are starling this noon with min
ing implepents to commence develop
ment immediately.
Santa Fc is, indeed, oil agog over the
new developments. Every buggy and
carreta and every gothic Rozinanto has
been pressed into service during the
past few days, and the district was visit
ed by hundreds from Santa Fe alone.
Responsible and steady-going men of
Santa Fo evince confidence, and even
Professor Slrieby, an expert in mineral
ogy is improving tiio spring vacation of
Santa Fe academy to examine into the
merits of the Cerillos district. Surface
assays run from five to sixty ounces in
silver. At a depth of five feel the Car
bonate mine assayed a fraction over
ninety ounces, and at seven foot it ran
as high as 120 ounces. These assays
are of average ore taken from fissure
veins, A select assay runs as high as
M 75 ounces. A thorough test will very
soon be made bv shipments of several
tons of lock todilferenl reduction works
in the states, when something quite re
liable will be known. Messrs. Andrews
.k Wheeloek have Inula small establish
ment near by for some years. The
celebrated lurquois mine is in the
same district. The camp is in the im
mediate vicinity of inexlensive iron de
posits, and has a climate that will favor
out-door labor the year round.
A Frozen Storm.
ABhUml vOn*. ) Tidings.
One morning recently, upon looking
toward the mountains south of town, we
were somewhat surprised to see the pine
trees ail bending in one direction, as
though bowed by a terrific wind-storm,
while the morning was clear and calm
not a breath of air in motion. I'pon
closer inspection the phenomenon was
easily accounted for. During the night
before a heavy wind storm had sweet
over (he mountains, accompanied by
rain and snow, and the steady force of
I the wind hold the branches of the trees
'in the bending, crouching position,
while the snow weighed them down,
j and the rain freezing upon them as it
i fell fastened them in that stiaue with
I unyielding bonds of ice: and so they
| remained until oid Sol mercifully set
them free.
The Cruel Khedive.
Hartford Pot.
The accounts of the distress now ex
isting in the valley of the Nile reminds
the writer of a scene he witnessed in
the winter of 1800. Starting from Cairo
for a trip up the Nile, we stopped the
first night opposite the ruins of ancient
Memphis, to which we walked in the
moonlight. We were surprised at see
ing on the plain a mile or two south of
us a large gathering of people bearing
lights. Upon going to the spot, we
found more,than a thousand men, wo
men and children engaged in throwing
up an embankment for a railroad the
Khedive was building from Cairo to
Thebes by forced labor. No machinery
or tools whatever were used except
baskets. These the poor wretches were
filling with their hands, placing them up
on their heads, and slowly and wearily,
except when accelerated by the voice
or lash of the overseer, dragging them
selves up the embankment and dump
ing them at the end. '• his embank
ment, I judged, was about twelve or fif
teen feet higher than the plain, and per
haps forty feet wide. The baskets of
the men would contain about three
pecks of the light, dry, alluvial earth;
tiiose of the women about a half bushel,
and the children perhaps a peck. This
was all forced labor—no pay whatever.
The Khedive would send a steamer up
the river to a village, and call for from
fifty to 200 people of all ages and sexes
to go, without pay, and work on this
raiiroad for one month, at the end of
which time lie would send them, or
what was left of them, hack The
bodies of those who died from exhaus
tion helped to swell the embankment.
No time for settlement. What their
hours of labor were i could not find
out, but I saw them at work at 10 p. m.
I saw villages up the river partly de
populated because of a late visit of
these steamers, and one entirely aban
doned and partly in ruins, having been
fired into, so was said by our dragoman,
because the “Sheik” could not or would
not furnish the n quired quota. It was
the intention to grade the entire road
of several hundred miles in this way.
Whether it lias been accomplished i
am not aware. Our party chartered a
government steamer for the trip. At
the coal stations the officers impressed
the first natives they could catch, and
compelled them to coal our steamer in
the same manner the railroad was be
ing graded, in baskets carried on the
head. Jdo not wonder that with this
system of unpaid labor in full force with
all the palaces in the Khedive, with his
great desire for improvements, and his
large and disastrous attempts at cotton
growing and sugar-making, there should
finally lie distress in the valley of the
Nile.
Assorted Jokes.
The Chinese bill—sl per dozen.
A dissipated man is dizzy-pated.
Htisiness troubles, especially the lazy.
The sea-sick man finds it hard to hold
bis own.
The original stump-pullers-The news
boy and the dentist.
An imposing ceremony—Tito mar
riage of a bigamist.
“ Fiat Lux” commanded Edison, but
Lux somewhat against him.
The season is now at band when the
call for oysters will cease to be a furor.
Can a man who lightly divines 'he
location of a rich mineral lode be prop
erly styled one of the miner piotits?
In Hie spring a poor man’s fancy
lightly turns to thoughts of greens.—
Steubenville. Herald.
The tramp isn’t rich, but he can af
ford to spend bis summer in the coun
try. — Philaddphin ('hn.nich-Htraid.
When any of your relatives rap at
your door and you don’t want to set'
them, you must call out, “Walk, kin!”
An Ohio cow lust week broken man’s
neck by a kick. A mule that witnessed
the casualty went behind a barn and
wept.
No, reader, no. No one has yet inti
mated that the African Zulus are burnt
cork Fenians. — Philadelphia Chronicle-
H, mid.
“It’s only a spring opening, ma,” ex
plained that awful boy, as he exhibited
his torn trouser after a leap over the
picket fence.
Waiter to a member of the Illinois
legislature: “Will you have some des
sert?” Member to waiter: “No, thank
you; I’ll take a piece of pie.”
The Texas legislature has enacted
that all trains shall come to a halt be
fore crossing the state line. Many peo
ple come to a halter after crossing it.
The youth who leaves off his overcoat
to enjoy a balmy spring is helping to
pay oil the mortgage of bis doctor's
house. —Ni w York KxprtM.
A man never feels as though he is
falling down a hatchway until, while
walking with all bis might, one of the
heels llies otf his shoes. — Meriden Re
corder.
Professor (looking at bis watch)—“As
we have a few minutes, 1 should like to
have any one ask questions, if so dis
posed.” Student—“ What time is it,
please?”
A genuine Irish bull -Sir Hoyle lloclte
said: “Single misfortunes never come
alone, and the greatest of all possible
misfortune is generally followed by a
greater.”
The lower animals have caught the
infection, and cats in various portions
of the city arc organizing caterwauling
matches for the spring saasou. —New
York < "onmeicial Advertiser,
In street-car. Lady in shabby dress
to animated tailor's model standing in
| front of her: “Will you please ring the
bell sii?” “I’awdon, madam, I’m not
the eonductaw—ah,” “indeed? What
are you?" He gives it up.— Puck.
Curious, but we never saw this notice
I in any of our country exchanges: “Ow
| ing to press of poetry, a large number
; of advertisements are unavoidably
: crowded out. but will positively appear
I m our next.” — Puck.
A man went into a clothing store the
| other day, and, after picking out some
' very tine cloth, said; “ 1 want to make
' my father a present of an overcoat.
[Just measure it for me. Of course it
j will be too big for him, but it’s pretty
good wearing cloth, and. as the old
man’s in had health, I’ll have to wear it
sooner or later anyway. Just make it a
little broad across the shoulders.
Smart Sophomore—“ What fruit
would you most resemble when riding
on a jackass?’’ Innocent-looking Fresh
man—“ Give it up.” S. S.—“ A beauti
ful pear.” I. L. F.—“ All right; come
outside and I’ll try it."— Harvard Advo
cate.
Self-possessed tramp; “Will any
gentleman—” Brown (to intending
almsgiver': “Don’t you give him any
thing—he’s been here before to-dav.”
S.-F. 1. (loftily): “Will you have the
kindness not to meddle with my busi
ness affairs?” — Fuck.
Many persons have complained with
in the bust few days of a peculiarly sad
and unhappy sort of feeling in the
region of the diaphragm. This item
explains it: Florida has sent its first
watermelon northward. New Voik
Commercial Advertiser.
Tno superintendent addressed the
Sunday school on obedience to tiie
moral law, and urged the keeping and
not breaking of the commandments,
and to fasten the impression, asked: “Is
anything better for being broken?”
“ Yes,” said a little boy, “ a nag.” The
address preceded no "further.
“A soft answer,” etc. —Eemale epi
cure: “Oh, mister, I’m sure that was a
had one!” Oyster salesman (indignant
ly): “What d’ yer mean? Then you
shouldn’t a’ swallered it, mum! I’ve
been in this trade a matter o’ ten years,
and never ” Lady; “Well it cer
tainly left a nasty taste" ” Salesman
(mollified): “Well, there’s no denyin’
that some on ’em is ’igher in flavor than
others!” — Punch.
A young lady was sitting with a gal
lant captain in a charmingly decorated
recess. On her knee was a diminutive
niece, placed there for less convenience.
In the adjoining room, with the door
open, were the rest of the company.
Says the little niece, in a jealous and
very audible voice: “Auntie, kiss me
too.” Any one can imagine what had
just happened. “You should say twice,
Ethel dear; two is not grammar,” was
the immediate rejoinder. Clever girl,
that! —London World,
W r e never weary of reading a good
epitaph, one which indicates the work
of a lite time in a few short, crisp words.
Here is one, for instance, which needs
uo explanation. It was inscribed on
the tomb of a cannibal: “He loved his
fellow men.” And here is a double
obituary, which shows that the state of
matrimony is sometimes a happy one:
lam anxiously expecting you. A.
I). 1827.
Here I am. A. D. 18(57.
—Christian ai Work.
Mr. Stewart’s Hotly.
Since it was announced upon the
authority of Mrs. Stewart’s statements
to her friends that the body of the late
A. T. Stewart had been recovered by
Judge Hilton, the Stewart Memorial
Cathedral at Carden City, L 1., where
in the body will finally lie interred, has
been overrun by visitors. Some of
these come from a distance, and their
patronage has swelled to a not incon
siderable extent the income of the Car
den City hotel.
Impelled by morbid curiosity these
visitors ‘nave searched every nook and
corner of the graceful pile whose inte
rior is yet incomplete. They seem to
be impressed with the idea that the
body is concealed about the premises.
Not content with annoying the work
men engaged in erecting the mortuary
chapel in the crypt under the chancel,
they have broken and carried away
portions of the delicate stone tracery
that had cost so much labor and money.
To prevent this, an order was given
some weeks since that no one should be
allowed to enter the building without
giving a password or countersign that
bad been agreed upon. “Indeed,” said
a entieman who is in a to
speak authoritatively, “ibis rule has
been observed so strictly that Judge
Hilton himself would find it difficult to
gain admittance without giving the
word.”
The promulgation of this order, when
it became known to the surrounding
villagers, created a marked sensation.
Although before this they bad smiled at
tue firmly expressed belief of the stran
gers that the body was in the cathedral,
they soon caught the infection them
selves. They swarmed about the place,
peered curiously through the great
peaked windows, which could be at
tained only by standing upon each
other’s shoulders, and stared in blank
amazement at the grotesque faces of the
gargoyles that capped the window
arches above them. It has been defi
nitely learned that the body of Mr.
Stewart is not in the cathedral, and will
not be taken there until the two sarco
phagi are placed in position upon the
marble flooring of the mortuary chapel.
—New York Sun.
Taking Drinks in Virginia.
The Virginia senate has concurred in
the house amendments to the senate
bill amending the Moffett register law.
The bill ieduces the tax on alcoholic
drinks from two and one-half to one
and one-half cents, and toe tax on re
tail liquor-dealers in proportion. The
tax on malt drinks is retained at a half
cent. The law is further amended so
as to more fully enforce the general ob
servance of its provisions. It is made
mandatory on the courts to revoke the
license of any dealer if upon the month
ly returns it appears the law lias been
evaded.
vViien Achille Muiat was in Flori
da, with a true Frenchman’s instinct
for new and rare foods, he cooked and
ate from nearly the entire fauna of the
slate. He used to cook alligator steak
in a way so delicious that no alligator
in all Florida would recognize it as a
morsel of one of his brothers. He
worked long and faithfully to make the
turkey buzzard palatable by good cook
ing, but at last gave it up m despair.
When asked how be liked it he said.
“Oh! I can eat any kind bird—l am not
atfrato to eat anyzing; I have no preju
dice, but ze buzzard is not goode. ‘
Is the vast population of 400,000.000
1 Chinese there is scarcely one who can
’ not read and write.