Newspaper Page Text
i! v m * à MM MAN with righteous KICI* Undersized Chap Who Had Bean lm> posed Upon by Big, Beefy Cuts, Airs Hla Grouch. "Say!" exploded the undersized chap, bustling Into the room, "isn'l this the kickery? I want to air my grouch. I contend that the little man doesn't get a fair shake. People Im pose on him just because he can't help himself. Take my case. I'm five feet four, and slim accordingly. I got Into a car that's nearly empty, pick out. a good seat, open my newspapei and begin to read. In comes a big, beefy cuss, with a lateral spread ol two feet and a half. Does he pick oui a nice empty seat for himself? H« does not. He waddles down the aisU till he sees me. 'There's my meat! he says; 'he ain't big enough to crowd me.' And l)e plants himself down by me, jams me over against the end ol the seat, crushes my arms against my sides, blame him, and—" "You're all right, my friend," inter rupted the man at the desk, "and you've got a real grievance, but you are tackling the wrong department; the Friend of the People is In room 820." The Celestial Way, In China when a subscriber rings ui the exchange the operator may be pected to ask: "What number does the honorabli eon of the moon and stars desire?" "Hohl, two-three." Silence, eûmes: "Will the honorable person gracious ly forgive the inadequacies of th« Insignificant service and permit this humble Blave of the wire to inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy?"—Wasp. ^ NO CAUSE8 FOR COMPLAINT. ex -. Then the exchange re *> t V v to de 11 m De Roads (with newspaper)—Say, old, pal, it strikes me dese jokes bout our perfeBsion Is just worked t death. De Barns—Well, don't youse keei so long as 'taln't us wot'a bein' work ed t' death. er it Their Agreement ' "Funny that both the prosecuting at torney and the lawyer for the defenM in that case both wanted the Judge t( do the same thing." "What was that?" "The proseeuting attorney wanted the prisoner hung, and his own law yer wanted a suspended sentence." a Every-Day Life. Mrs. D'Avnoo, at front window—Of Boer I Policeman—Yes, ma'am, wrong, ma'am? Mrs. D'Avnoo—Nothing wrong; but I wish you'd step Into the kitchen an^ tell the cook not to burn the meat as she did last night I'm afraid to What'i rd Closed Season. "Your proposal «ornes too late." "Then you havo engaged yoursal to another?" "No." "Then why not be engaged to me? "The allly season is over now." er In Ancient Rome. First Homan Matron—What a funn; looking costume on that woman 1 DU you notice It, too? Second Ditto—Yes. It comae tro n come little barbarian _ hamlet ont b Gaul that they call Paris.—Puck. Backing Up. "The rain waa coming down b sheets." "I noticed ft waa bad In the bed o the street" Long Felt Want Knicker— Is Jones a mechanics genius? Bocker—Yes; he is trying to lnven A furnace thal will heat the jualtoi last" BAD BOY WHO STOLE LUNCH Mother, Who lo Touched by Kindness of Heart Shown by 8on, Put Straight by Teacher. Here la a little story that la vouch ed for In the East end. A small boy appeared before hla mother one afternoon leading another small boy by the hand. The stranger was dirty and tattered combed. "Mamma, and un said the petted child, il've brought Jimmy here home with me to get him somethin' to eat. A bad boy stole his lunch, an' he's aw ful hungry." The mother wasn't at all pleased with Jimmy's appearance, but it grati fied her to know that her son had a kind heart. "You may take him to the kitchen, Edward," she said, "and Delia will give him what he wants." The next day Edward's mother met Edward's teacher. "No doubt you were surprised," said the teacher, "because I sent that lit tle boy home with Edward. But Ed ward had taken the boy's lunch and eaten it, and I thought it only right that he should make amends in that way!"—Cleveland Plain Dealer. lm> my Im ol ol NOT INVITING MORE TROUBLE. PF h-3 ~'L Binks—What do you think of automobile? Winks—I don't care to express my self. It's bad enough to be arrested for speeding without being arrested !or profanity. ' youv Papa's Consent. She—Isn't It lovely? Papa sents. -. He—Does he, really? She—Yes. He wanted to know who you were, and I told him you were tape clerk at Scrimp & Co.'s, and h6 teemed really pleased. He—I am delighted. She—YeB, and he said we could b6 married just as soon as you were taken into the firm. con He Had Nothing on 8andy. A Scotch gamekeeper who bad beet left In charge of an estate was being questioned by an English visitor. "Are there many deer on the place?" "Hun dreds, sir." "Many hares?" "Thou sands, sir." "Well, now, are there many gorillas?'' asked the English man sarcastically. For a moment the gamekeper hesitated, then'he replied: "Weel, sir, they — they come like yersel', just noo and then." No Chance for 8atan. Two darkles were looking at a win dow display of computing scales in Evansville, Ind. One was explaining to the other how the scales work. "I reckon," said the negro to whom the explanation was made, "dey won't be no use er Satan tappin' a man on de shoulder ef he was wukkln' behin' one er dem things!"—Saturday Even ing Post a A Chaser. The Inquisitive Old Woman—Guard, —why did the train stop before we came to the station. The Guard—Ran over a pig, mum. The Inquisitive Old Woman—What was it on the line? The Guard—No—oh, no; we chased it up the embankment I—London Sketch. Hla Mistake, "He says he's unlucky, but really hh want of success comes from one little social mistake." "What was that?" "He was 'not at home' one day when a visitor called." "How was that a mistakeT~ "It happened to be opportunity that knocked." A Thorn In the Flesh. Mistress—So you've decided to re main with me, Mary? Maid—Yes'm. A lady friand said rd better stay, look upon you aa my thorn and bear or She said I was to In a Quandary. "Is she a suffragette?" "No. But she'd like to be." "She'd like to be? Then why Isn't she?" "She can't make up her mind wheth er It's a Republican or a Democratic vote she wants." A Better System. BIrs. Crawford—Why don't you try the new paper-bag cooking? Mrs. Crabsh&w—I would, dear, If I thought It waa as easy as getting the meals in a paper bag at the dellcatef sen store.—Judge. tag ple Queer Trouble. "Why has the oyster such a hart road to travei?" "Sure enough; it's a shell road." FOR LUNCHEON TABLE THREE LIGHT DISHE8 THAT WILL PROVE ACCEPTABLE. hla Ingredients for Delectable Recipes Generally on Hand—Mint Meat Loaf a Favorite With .Those Who Like the Taste. un Mlnt Meat Loaf.—Mince together (fine) two pounds cold cooked lamb, two hard-boiled eggs, one pound cold cooked beef tongue, half pound cold boiled ham and a small bunch of parsley and chives. Grate into these one clove of garlic, add one teaspoon onion juice, a good pinch of mace and red pepper, two heaping tablespoons of soft butter, one teaspoon brown sugar, one tablespoon of cider vine gar and half cup of very finely cut mint. Mix all together well with cup of stock. Put over fire and cook a few minutes, stirring all the time. Pour Into square mold and set A aw a lit one away to become firm and cold. Slice thin with sharp knife. Garnish with water It can also be .sliced and allowed a few hours to harden, then dipped In aspic Jelly. This is excellent. Baked Tomatoes With Mushrooms. —Pour hot water over eight medium sized tomatoes, cover with cold water, then skins can be removed nicely, green onions, a small piece of garlic and put with three tablespoons of but ter in a saucepan over fire. Add to this one heaping tablespoon of flour and stir all together until a nice brown; then add one quart of cold stock slowly, stirring smooth. Add a good shake of tabasco, half teaspoon of paprika, a pinch of sage and salt to taste. Drain a can of mushrooms, cut them in slices and with their liquor add to the sauce. Put tomatoes in earthenware bakedlsh, pour sauce over, cover and bake until tomatoes are done. Sprinkle with fine cut parsley after taking from the oven. Egg Fritters.—Boil until hard four fresh eggs. Take off shells and cut into half-inch slices. Take out yolks, being careful not to break white rings. Beat the yolks to a paste with one tablespoon of butter, one email sour pickle and piece pimento minced fine. Mix together with one tea spoon of anchovy paste a few drops cress and pimentos. Pour this off and Cut fine six of tabasco and a small pinch of mus- j tard. Press this back into white rings. Dip each ring into fritter bat ter and fry brown in hot fat as you would doughnuts. Very nice served with cold meat of any kind for a luncheon. ' Is a To Iron Fine Damask Linen. There is a superstition that fine damask shows up better if ironed with out drying, a superstition that de serves to be exploded. Hang your linen very smooth and take it down, folding it as smooth as possible, when it is fairly damp. Let it He folded and covered thickly an hour or so, then Iron dry. This you can do with In finitely less wear to the fabric than if you Ironed it sopping wet. Ab to the saving of muscle no words are needed. If things are allowed to get bone dry, then sprinkled down, they 1 never come quite so smooth as If folded damp. But bone drying In midsummer Bun Is worth while now and again, In that it sweetens and whitens as no artificial agency possibly can. Split-Pea Soup. Pick over one cupful of dried split peas and soak In cold water night. Drain, add two and one-half quarts of cold water, half an onion and a two-inch cube of fat salt pork. Bring gradually to the boiling 'point and let simmer three or four hours, until soft; then rub through a sieve. Melt three tablespoonfuls of butter, add two tablespoonfuls of flour anfl stir until well blended; then gradually two cupfuls of scalded milk. Bring to the boiling point and add pea puree. Season with one and one-halt teaspoonfuls of salt and one-eighth tea spoonful of pepper. Serve hot, with croutons. If too thick, dilute with hot milk. over In it, to pour on Chocolate Cake. Cream together two tablespoonfuls butter and one cupful of sugar, then add one egg. Sift together thoroughly one and one-fourth cupfuls of flour, half a teaspoonful ef soda and one tea spoonful of cream of tartar. If baking powder is used Instead of the soda take one level teaspoonful. Add al ternately with a half cupful of milk to the other mixture, adding a half tea spoonful of vanilla and la the one square melted chocolate Just before putting Into the pan. Ironing Sheets « Wests of Effort. Hang linen table cloths alwayB across the warp—that Is, the length wise of them. Warp threads doubly as strong as woof, and thus better able to stand strain. Take down sheets and so on when barely damp, fold them, smooth them upon a clean flat surface, then pile them one another under moderate weight In an airy place. Don't Iron them—It Is a waste of effort. Do not iron stockings or underwear, especially woolen un derwear. are on be the of In Rhubarb for Rust. Stew rhubarb In the usual way, mak tag It thinner, however, than usual and iddlng no sugar to 1L Soak your mated white clothes In It for three (uarters of an hour, then take out, flnse In cold water and pour boiling eater over them, to take out the pur ple stain of the rhubarb. This will lake out rust stains when everything Use falls.—McCall's Magazine. CALVES' BRAINS WITH JELLY Thla la a Diah, When Proparly Cookad and 8ervad, That All Will Appreciate. Blanch the brains by letting them soak In cold water and salt for two hours; take them out, skin, dry thoroughly, and drop them in salted boiling water; let cook for ten min utes; chill and put them In the Ice box. of When serving, cut the brains in slices or dice, and heap them on a lettuce bed after they tossed in a French dressing. Heap the top of the dish with blobs of to mato Jelly. Make the jelly In this have been manner: Soak a box and a half of gelatin in enough water to cover it. Then put qne quart of tomatoes on to stew with a head of celery chopped fine, a little parsley, salt and cayenne. Let this boll for twenty minutes, then pour boiling hot over the gelatin; strain at once in a mold, putting it in the ice box to congeal thoroughly when cool enough. The tomato Jelly may also be cut up in squares and served as a separate salad with plain lettuce and mayonnaise, course it needs to come into the room in a very cold condition, or it would soon melt a But of BEST OF ALL SHORTCAKES How Luscious Dessert Should Be Pre pared for the Table to Be at Its Best. Best served warm and do not fill until ready to serve. Split cake, lay top Inverted on a plate, fill with fresh or canned sliced peaches, well seasoned apple sauce, or best of all, with crushed or sliced strawberries. Fruit should be liberally sugared. When center is well filled place the top layer on, cover with fruit and serve with cream. Ingredients: Two cupfuls of sifted pastry flour, two teaspoonfuls of ba king powder, three tablespoonfuls of butter, two tablespoonfuls of butter, two tablespoonfuls of sugar, one egg and three-quarters cupful of milk. Method: Sift salt and baking pow der into flour after it has been sifted once and measured. Cream, butter, sugar and egg until light. Into this gen ly stir the milk and flour, alternating j (do not beat, just stir lightly), then pour into greased layer cake tin. Bake in brisk oven, then split and prepare with the fruit as directed in foregoing recipe. Mixed Vegetable Salad. This may be made of any green vegetables, but In the smart restau rants the chefs put the following things together: French lettuce, en dive, cucumbers, celery hearts, green pepper, asparagus tips, pimentos and sometimes string beans. A nest is made of the plain lettuce, the endive Is cut in fine strips, and if the aspara gus or string beans are of the canned sort they are first washed off with fresh water and then thoroughly drained. The cucumber Is cut In paper fine slices. All of the ingredi ents are put together In a mixing bowl and tossed lightly In a French dressing—olive oil, vinegar or lemon, salt and cayenne. Unless requested not to do so, the French chef also adds a taste of garlic or onion. When served this salad lies in the nest of let tuce leaves with a border of sliced cucumber or radishes cut to look like fuchsias. it ly To Remove Tea Staine From Linen To remove the obstinate tea stain from your fine linen tablecloth, spread the stained part over a basin, and pour (from a height) clean soft boil ing water through it. If the stain has been allowed to dry it will be the harder to remove, but where this method is applied at once while th« stain Is fresh and moist, the marks will disappear like magic. Where th« stains are long set, rub in a little pow dered borax and pour on more, boiling water; then place the articles to soak In a basin, later washing It in the dlnary way and the stains will be ef fectually removed. When any article has had either coffee or tea spilled on it, be careful not to allow to touch it, as the alkali of the. aoai will make the coloring matter into a fast dye, which can hardly be bleached outr or any soap Kitchen Wisdom. A cheerful cook makes a fine des sert Stir a smile into the pudding. "I forgot"—spoiled the broth. Flavor the salad with the oil of low lng kindness. Plain cooking—handsome children. Good service is half the dinner. Guess—and ruin thé cake. Cleanliness is godliness. Nature It clean. A merry heart makes light pastry. Clean hands and light bread. Order,cleanliness and know-how— these three; and the greatest of thes« la know-how. The hand that stirs the batter rulei the world. To Remove a Paint 8taln. To remove the paint stain from th« new felt hat, touch the stain lightly with spirits of turpentine, or benzine Keep the spot moist by repeated appll cations and after a time the paint will be found quite soft, so that It may easily be lifted with a knife. Take oil the surface part thus and apply mor* of the cleanser to a soft cloth dipped In the cleanser. If any trace of th< Injury still remains treat with alcohol giving the whole hat a rub with « cloth moistened In It, as this treat wollt will freshen the aDnearanoe, WILL BE DEADLY FOE GERMAN CLAIMS HE CAN MAKE AIRSHIP INVISIBLE. them two dry salted min Ice Proposed Terror la to Be as Large as the 8teamer Olympic and Able to Defy the Telescope at the Distance of a Mile. brains a Heap to been The Invisible airship has already been patented by its Inventor Baron Roenne. Baron Roenne is well known In England as an airship and naval engineer, so more respect must be paid to his Ideas than to those who try inventing without any technical knowledge. Baron Roenne has submitted his idea to the oflicials at the Greenwich Royal Observatory, and they declare that It is based on scientific princi ples, and most certainly practicable. They way this remarkable airship is made invisible is as follows: Take a white wall and paste a white sheet of paper on it. At a distance of a few feet you may be able to detect where the paper leaves off and the wall begins. At a hundred yards the wall looks all wall. You would never suspect the paper of being there If you did not known already. That is Baron Roenne's idea. The outside covering of his airship Is made of metal, the composition of which is a secret. It is almost as strong as steel, yet it only weighs one fourth as much. No hydrogen can teak from a vessel made of it, so the danger of an airship exploding from that cause disappears. It is due to the discovery of chro mium, in fact, that the invisible air ship is possible. The most important thing about the metal, as far as Baron Roenne is concerned, is that it sesses a very highly polished surface. This is covered over with a thin coating of transparent varnish. The whole surface of the dirigible, in fact, acts as a mirror, and reflects the same color as its surroundings. If the sky is dull, so is the airship. If the sky is blue, so is the airship. The sides of the keel of this in put stew fine, then in Jelly and plain room of Pre fill lay with well all, fruit ba of egg gen pos new airship are also reflecting mirrors, and by an ingenious arrangement of them the darker shade reflected from the earth is made lighter. The keel will taper to a point, and thus there will be no shadow on the bottom of the airship. In fact, it will be like the chameleon, and always like the color of its surroundings. In other words, it will be invisible. Baron Roenne's new terror of the skies will be as large as the Olympic. The Olympic, if it could float in the skies, would easily be detected at height of four or five Roenne's dirigible will be absolutely invisible, even to telescopes, at a dis tance of less than a mile! It is designed to carry 400 passen gers, or their equivalent in cargo, and it will be fitted with 15 motors, devel oping nearly 2,000 horse power. Pat ents have already been taken out in England. tin. and in en and is In let a miles, yet What this "new sky scraper" will mean in time of war can hardly be realized. It could carry enough am munition to utterly wreck any city,' or blow the world's biggest navy to pieces.—Pearson's Weekly. Ah-Tlsh-Oo! The only attention we pay to a sneeze at the present day is to endeav or to get rid of the chill which It, but a sneeze in the days of old Greece was a matter of great concern and import. There was then a god of sneezing, and great undertakings would even be abandoned if a man sneezed at an In appropriate moment, the act being looked upon as the oracle of the god. A sneeze between midnight and noon was looked upon as a fortunate sign, but between moon and midnight it betokened great misfortune, sneeze to your right was lucky; to the left unlucky. Two or four sneezes were lucky, one or three very unlucky, and any undertaking in hand should, If possible, be abandoned; four sneezes did not count. There is a saying in many parts of England today, "Once a wish, twice kiss, three times a letter, four times something better." If people sneezed together it was a good sign, particular ly If they happened to be discussing business. causes ef on a a To or more than a a in It Biddy's Blunder. Mrs. Howard Hinckle has recently had a remarkable experience with a new Irish girl: "Biddy," said she, one evening, "we must have some sausages for tea this evening. I expect company." "Yes, ma'am." Tea time arrived, and with It, the company; the table was spread, the tea was simmering, but no sausage ap peared. "Where are the sausages, Biddy?" Inquired Mrs. Hinckle. "And sure they're in the tay-pot, ma'am! Didn't you tell me we must have 'em for tay?" a I'll « Aa a Man Is Known. "A man, like a watch, la known by his works," observed the epigram mak And by the hours he keeps," added the wife. "And by the spring in him," said the athlete. "And by his being sometimes fast," remarked the reformer. "And by the way his hands go up," put In the pugilist. "And by his not always going when we want him to," finished the girl who'd been robbed of her beauty sleep to er. a out FOE was careful in marketing Calory Had Loat Ita Crlapneaa While Cautious Woman Was Making Up Mind About Purchase. MAKE Lady—Is this celery fresh? Dealer—Yes'm. "Real fresh?'' "Yes'm." "Just In?" "Yes'm." "Is It crisp?" "Yes'm." as to Baron known naval be who his princi is white of detect the the never If is of as one can the from chro air thin The fact, same sky sky "Are you sure It is all right?" "Yes'm." "Where did you get it?" "From a market gardener, mum." "Today?" "Yes'm." "How much is It?" "Ten cents a bunch." "Isn't that rather high?" "Not at this season." "I've got it here lately for less." "That was small and rather green." "Can you send it up?" "Yes'm." "In time for dinner?" "Oh, yes'm." "Just break off a piece and let mt try it." "Yes'm. Here is some." "H'm! It isn't nice at all. ered." It's with "Well, mum, it's a good while since you asked if it was fresh." Exasperating. "Hold on a minute, Whifflts!" "Speak fast, old chap, I'm in a great hurry." "Just a moment." "Well, well. What is it?" "Are you aware of the-fact that the wife of the emperor of Germany calls him 'Willy?' " "No, confound your impertinence! And I don't care a hang what she calls him! You've made me miss my car." pos THE REASON. new of from keel of like the the the dis and Pat in TO LOMtUftOW" ! f / ^ a yet First Suburbanite—I'm not going to have a garden this year, last summer and it kept me as thin a rail. Second Suburbanite—Worked too hard at it, eh? First Suburbanite—No; I tried live on what I raised in It I had one as to As He Understood It. * The lofty browed, scholarly man *ho was ofllciatlng at the banquet turned to the man sitting next to bim. will be am city,' to "What Is the next thing in the order of exercises?'"he asked. The other made a whispered sponse. "Please say that again; quite catch It." The answer was repeated. "Gentlemen," said the toastmaster, rising, "the next thing will be an Irish song by that prince of entertainers, Mr. Bocklish, entitled. 'Ha! BotUe Leer Seen Kell Lee?' I didn't a old be In and the If of Zenny One of the Pioneers. Isaac Pitman had invented his tern of shorthand. "It's merely speaking by sound," he explained; "every little character has a meaning ail its own." At a later period Prof. Br&er Ma thuze and others tried to do the thing with long-hand and made egregiously absurd mess of it sys To same an A New Recipe. At an examination of nurses the young lady was asked by the physi cian: a "What would you do to cure a cold in the head?" She replied: "I would put my feet in hot water till you were in profuse perspiration."—Catholic Standard and Times. a Too Complicated. "An expert In osculation has con tributed an article to a newspaper on how to kiss a girl." "Well, did you learn how?" "No. After I had reached the ninth stage In the proceeding without the kiss having been consummated, I had a brain storm and quit" Near Enough. A Chicago banker was dictating a letter to hla stenographer. So-and-So, meet him In Schenectady." "How do you spell Schenectady? asked the stenographer. Tell Mr. he ordered, "that I will Tell him I'll meet him In Albany."—Argonaut. Sententious. A north side school boy was asked to form a aentence with the word "horse sense. forgot to lock hla stable door night and he hasn't seen hla horse tence." He said: The man one Promptly. "Did the actor you spoke Of get a notice In the new play he went out In?" "Cot It for two weeks as soon as he ■eve Us first DArfnrmanoa"