HUMOR OF THE HOUR
In the Uny’e Work.
“And then,” according to the author
of a late book, "a wild shriek rent the
air.”
And:
“The two people hiding behind the
lilac bushea felt their blood curdle.”
And:
“Again came the wild, weird shriek.”
And:
“Looking Into each other’s faces,
they found them the color of marble.”
And:
"That sound again—that terrifying
sound which made the heart stand still
and the listeners to gusp for breath.”
And:
“With a moan of despair, Aspasln
slowly sunk on the cold earth, and
Harold stood looking at her like om
struck dumb.”
And then, after an interval of ten
minutes:
“All of a sudden It came to them
that the sounds wore produced by a
mother licking her ten-year-old boy for
drinking up the molasses on his way
home from the grocery, and life went
on with them In the aamc lmppy strain
as of yore. Life la full of such mis
takes, though, and one can’t be too
careful about getting the labels mix
ed.”—Detroit Tribune.
RrNpntcd It.
"Gerald,” said tin; young wife, notlc
lng how heartily he was eating, “do 1
cook as well ns your mother did?”
Gerald put up his monocle and stared
at her through It.
“Once for all, Agatha,” he snld, "1
beg you will remember thnt, although
I mny seem to bo In reduced circum
stances now, I come of an old and dis
tinguished family. My mother was not
a cook.”—Chicago Tribune.
No Time For Detail*.
An Amerlcun speeding over the con
tinent of Europe In his nutomoblle
asked of his chauffeur, “Where are
we?”
“In Paris!” shouted the man at the
wheel, and the dust flew.
“Oh, never mind the details!” Irrita
bly screamed the American million
aire. “I mean what continent?”—Chi
cago Post.
Giving Him 'Advice*
Young Masher (to viva!)—I say, olil
fellow, I hear you are an excellent
runner. Ib thnt true?
ltival (eagerly)—Rather!
Young Masher—Well, then, run home
A Turning Movement.
“What Is your nge, madam?” asks
the Judge.
“My ngo?" says the woman In tin
witness box. “Judge, I've just turneil
twenty-four.”
“Just turned twenty-four, have you?’
says his honor. “I’m glad to see that
you are truthful nbout your age. Twen
ty-four turned Is forty-two. Proceed,
Mr. Prosecutor.”—Judge.
What Canned the (luarrel.
f
t
“The wretch has been proposing to
both of us. I wish we could think of
some horrible way to punish him.”
"Well, why don’t you marry him?”
The regard one shows economy Is
like that we show an old aunt who is
to leave us something at last.—Shen
stone.
1 [POLLY ill
• . —. . ■ ‘ ■ l
“What a muddle we have been in
for tlie past two months, Polly,” said a
fond mother the other day, as she
turned from the machine that had been
making a record for itself, in turning
out dainty lawn and gingham dresses
for the little folks; enough to last them
through the summer vacation and so
save care and worry for the mother.
“We forgot everything else in solving
the problem of where we should go for
the summer vacation,” she continued.
“The outcome of tlie Russian and Jap
anese war didn’t interest us half as
much, and tlie appalling accidents by
lund and seu, the terrible crimes that
have startled the nation, the Presi
dent's bear hunts, the Portland Pair,
all were of secondary consideration
until that dear little red Isstk—Vaca
tion 1006, published by the California
Northwestern Railway—the Pictur
esque route of California—made its a[e
pearance and helped us to solve the
vexed question of where we should go
for the summer and find rest and pleas
ure combined. The booklet itself is a
little gem, for it.is beautifully gotten up
with muny line illustrations of the dif
ferent sections through which this
favored road pusses, and which prove
very enticing to everyone who scans
the contents, and makes them only the
more eager to start for the country Im
mediately. “ Thesun shining through
a fog over the golden gate, ” taken
from their ferry boat, theTiburon, is a
beautiful and very effective picture, in
fact one of the prettiest little scenes of
the bay 1 have ever seen. Look at
that dainty little picture the ‘Horse
shoe Jlend.’ Doesn’t that make you
want to get right out on one of those
Hat cars, and go spinning around the
curve? The very thought is exhiliar
ating. When once we had made up
our minds where to go, I felt that 1 had
dropi>ed a load off my shoulders. We
have been living a new life in that lit
tle book, ‘Vacation 1006’ ever since we
received it, for some member of the
family is constantly studying it in their
leisure moments. We are not going to
remain in one place during the entire
vacation. We go to Willits Hrst and
the grandeur of the scenery along the
road can not be surpassed. Then we
are going to visit some of tlie famous
mineral springs at the different sum
mer resorts, and we are not going to
forget to spend a few days at Camp
Vacation, on the Uuerneville branch of
the road. Kvery place you can go has
something to offer a little different in
the way of interest and scenery. My
husband is dreaming of some bubbling
brook teeming with trout and he gets
his gun out every few days and looks
it over, for he claims that this section
is a perfect paradise for hunters. The
hunting paraphernalia he has already
purchased to take along looks os if he
was going for a year instead of two
shortmonths. My daughter is a water
color artist and my oldest son a camera
fiend, and they are living in great ex
pectations of the harvest of beautiful
pictures they expect to bring home.
It is well worth toiling the balance of
the year to lie able to enjoy the two
months’ vacatian in tlie heart of the
mountains or in the fertile valleys, in
the country homes or in the pretty
towns ami resorts. There is no reason
wliy everybody should not enjoy a va
cation every summer, for by a perusal
of ‘Vacation, 1006,’ you will find that
you can live just as cheaply as you can
at home, and yet have a decided
change.”
What shall the summer girl prepare
in the way of a pretty and yet inex
pensive out tit for her vacation'.' That
question has been asked several times
lately and 1 have delayed answering it
for several reasons. It is getting too
near the mid-summer holidays, how
ever, and so I have bet'll looking into
the matter for several days, and have
concluded to give you the result of a
talk with one of the most attractive
girls who will grace the different sum
mer resorts. She has no money to
spend foolishly, and so she makes every
dollar count. 1 would l>e willing to
wager that there will be girls who
siM'iul a vast ileal more money who
will not look half as attractive. Sue
has one thing in her favor, however,
that probably they do not possess
she knows how to wear her clothes
and get the best effect. Site would ap
pear dressed in a dainty and inexpen
sive lawn, while they would look
dowdy or overdressed in their silks
and satins, it is a gift to know how to
wear your clothes and look like you
had just stepped out of a fashion plate,
and she has been wonderfully blessed
in that respect. She has three shirt
waist suits of white corded pique, and
with these she almost invartfily wears
a blue crepe tie or ribbons of the same
hue, and either a belt of the same or of
white or black leather. She lix>ks as
trim as a bird when she dons this at
tire, and, to use a woman's phrase,
“like she had just stepped out of a
bandbox.” She has an advantage over
other clever girls, and is her own mil
liner. With the white pique suits slit
usually wears a white hat trimmed in
1 black velvet and forge t-me-mits. She
lias a dainty white organdie with a
single big pink rose thrown down upon
it here and there, und when she gets
ready to wear it, if she needs a hat, ofl'
come the forget-me-nots from the
dainty white chip and she pins on a
cluster of pale pink crush roses. She
has the name of having a hat for every
costume, when the same hat, with
what she terms one of her sleight-of
hand performances in changing the
trimming, must answer for the various
costumes. A dainty sheer white or- :
gandie, made up with lace and inser
tion, is the most elalmrate costume she •
has. This serves for the little parties
and informal hops that are given by
the young* people. She has a dainty
white lace hat that she dons with this
costume. A little tan outing suit with
gloves, shoes and hat harmonizing in
color. A changeable red and blue
summer silk, made with pipings of
plain red silk and a red straw hut, one
of the turban effects, with a cluster of
red cherries, gives the finishing touch
to the jaunty little costume. This,
with a well-fitting tan covert jacket,
made up her summer outfit, und it was
inexpensive and all one could desire.
No one can ever succeed who goes
alsiut their work in a half-hearted way.
If you ure listless and absent-minded,
or worse still, brooding over your un
happy fate that compels you to work
for the money to sustain you, then it
would be lietter for you to get out of
the slough of despondency, go home
and sleep it oil'. Much a person is a
hinderunce instead of a help. l)o the
l>est you can und put your best efforts
into your work, think of something
cheerful every moment your mind is
not devoted to your task, go over mis
takes with a determination to sift your
work until you find out where the mis
take lies, and correct your blunder,
which Is not likely to occur again if
you adopt this method. Keep a song
thrilling away in your heart. Even if
it never escapes your lips, it makes life
worth the living and clears the atmos
phere around you, and makes others
cheerful as well. Take an active inter
est and the task will lose its unattrac
tive side and the work will be accom
plished and in half the time.
There is a little woman who is one of
the toilers in this land of plenty, and
she says whenever she is tempted to
complain she remembers a little fern
that pushed its way out of a crevice in
the rocky liilside of her old home, and
with seemingly nothing to sustain the
roots it kept throwing out new fronds
until its beautiful, graceful leaves made
the one fair spot in the vicinity. It
was one of the coarse varieties, almost
on the brake order, and every day they
expected it to fall from its own weight,
but it clung tenaciously to the rocks,
teaching its own little lesson of a de
termination to win in spite of all dif
ficulties. “I have gone hack to my
task more contented with my lot and
determined to do the best I could
many times after looking at my fern,”
she said. Nature can often preach us
an o’er true sermon if we will only
heed it.
BRIEF REVIEW.
The Cheerlul Man.
“Fate itself has to concede a great
many things to the cheerful man.”
The man who persistently faces the
sun so that all shadows fall behind
him. the man who keeps his machinery
well lubricated with love and good
cheer, can withstand the hard jolts
and disappointments of life infinitely
better than the man who always looks
at the dark side. The man who loves
shadow, who dwells forever in the
gloom a pessimistic man has very lit
tle power in the world ns compared
with a bright, sunny soul.
The world makes way for the cheer
lid man; all doors fly open to him who
radiates sunshine. He does not need
an Introduction; like the sunlight, lie
Is welcome everywhere.
A cheerful disposition is not only a
power it is also a great health tonic.
A depressed mind makes the system
more susceptible to disease; encourages
Its development because it kills the
power of resistance. A cheerful soul
can resist disease, and it is well known
among physicians that there Is a great
er chance of recovery from exhaustive
diseases of a bright, sunny soul than
of a gloomy, despondent one. “Cheer
fulness Is health; melancholy, disease."
Gloom and depression feed disease and
hasten Its development.—Success.
Nearly all small birds make their
long flights by night, spending the day
time quietly feeding and resting, so
that if on any day iu May the treetops
are full of flitting little warblers It Is
no sign that the following day will find
them still there. Some kinds, like pboe
bes, song sparrows, meadow larks and
bluebirds, come very early—as soon as
the snow Is all gone and the south slop
ing hillsides begin to feel warm and
"smell of spring.”—St. Nicholas.
Tourist (in retired vlliagei So that's
the oldest Inhabitant? One hundred and
four years old? No wonder you’re
proud of him. Native—I dunno. He
ain’t done nothin’ in this yer place Yept
grow old, and it’s took him a sight o’
time to do that.
We live longer than our forefathers,
but we suffer more from a thousand
artificial anxieties and cares.—Bulwer.
Distinction is the consequence, never
the object, of a great mind.- Allston
CHOICE MISCELLANY
Romance of a Rank Note.
A njiui who walked into the Bank of
England the other day and laid a ten
pound note on the counter was surpris
ed to hear the clerk say: “We can’t
cash this. The note was stopped twen
ty-three years ago."
Over twenty years back the note was
stopped by a clerk then in the employ
of one of the provincial branches of
the London and County bank. It hail
been brought in by an employee of one
of the bank's clients in order to be paid
Into the client’s account with some
loose change.
By a strange oversight the clerk, aft
er jotting down the number of the note
and after counting the change, omitted
to take the bank note. When he dis
colored his error, note and messenger
had disappeared. Neither was seen
again.
The clerk took counsel with a col
league ut the counter, and for the sake
of their own prospects the two young
men determined to say nothing about
the affair, but to bear the loss them
selves. Each paid £5 to make good the
loss and stopped the number.
The man who presented the note for
payment the other day had found It
among the papers of Ills father, who re
cently died.
The two clerks instrumental In stop
plug the note were traced, and, though
both had left tlio employ of the Lon
don and County bank long ago, each
has received back his £5 after the lapse
of twenty-three years.—London Mail.
Street lee Cream.
Typhoid fever has been traced to va
rious causes, and for long ice cream lias
been regarded as a means of conveying
this disease. In the Lancet some time
ago an account was given by Dr. W. G.
Burras of an alarming outbreak of en
teric fever which occurred in Septem
ber last at Govan, Scotland, and which
was clearly traced to infected ice
cream. It has been conclusively prov
ed that the disease may be spread by
the use of ice and ice cream by the fact
that its micro-organism has been culti
vated after having been frozen in ice
for a very considerable period. There
are so many agencies by which typhoid
fever may be spread that it behooves
the health departments of cities to
keep a vetchful eye on all suspected
sources of infection and means of dis
semination. The ice cream season is
fast approaching, and it would be well
to exercise vigilance over the methods
employed in its manufacture by the
horde of peripatetic venders of this
popular summer delicacy in New York.
—Medical Record.
—
lloiiKkonj? Flritt.
The Importance of the far east In the
commerce of the world at the present
time Is strikingly Illustrated by this
statement, made by tlie bureau of sta
tistics:
The port at which in 1903 was the
largest vessel tonnage movement was
Hongkong. The total amount of the
tonnage of the vessels entering and
clearing from it was about 20,000.000,
or, if Chinese junks engaged in tlie for
eign trade he included, more than 21,
000,000. London is second, with 19,
000,000, followed closely by Antwerp.
The tonnage of New York In 1904 was
18.000,000. Hongkong, it may be re
membered, Is a free port at which many
vessels engaged In the Chinese, Japa
nese and Australasian trade call. Lon
lon would head the list but for the
fact that often its vessels take part of
tlieir cargo from another British port,
ns Cardiff, and receive their foreign
clearance at It.
II'M'N I’oInoii Some Flowers.
At the Kennebec conservatory a gen
tleman was looking over the show of
plants and flowers when lie asked Su
perintendent Olm If he ever hnd trou
ble with bees In Ills glass houses.
“Yes,” replied Mr. Olm. "In the
early spring and through the spring
months I have a great deal of bother
with bees. They dodge Into one flow
er, then into another, In which by
sprinkling the pollen of the first flower
they destroy the second.”
For example, a pink bloom Into
which a pollen covered bee bad flown
would close over night, and the only
remedy, as Mr. Olm remarked, was to
keep a sharp lookout for the bees and
get ahead of them by picking the flow
ers before the winged pests get a
cliauce at them.—Lewiston Journal.
Gothic Type to Blame,
According to the Berliner Tageblatt,
the shortsightedness of recruits Is be
ginning to cause anxiety to the Ger
man war office. “Bismarck himself,”
comments the London Chronicle, “who
had to take to glasses long before he
was out of office. Was strongly of this
opinion, though, from motives of pa
triotism, he would not hear of tlie abo
lition of the gothic type nnd Invariably
refused the gift of any book printed
in roman characters. But the nutl
1 gothic party is now gaining ground,
and several newspapers and numerous
scientific works are printed in roman
type, which the emperor himself is
t said to favor.”
The lintNon.
F.thel- What did you say to papa last
niglit? Ferdy—N-©thing. I was so
scared that I didn’t open my mouth.
Ethel—Oh, that accounts for It! He
said you Impressed him very favora
bly!—Home Notes.
\te bear often of eggs of large sire,
but \Y. 11. Going of llolden claims
that he has a blooded Plymouth Itock
hen that has laid the smallest egg that
has been reported in any of the tales
that are constantly going the rounds
among the hen fanciers. The egg is
perfect in shape, brown In color and
measures but two Inches by one Inch
and a half.
NEW SHORT STORIES
Abolished the Chancery Court.
Many tales are told of tlie high hand
ed action of county courts, but none
equals the story of the court of Maury
county, Tenn., which abolished the
chancery court of the division at the
Instance of Senator Carmack. Car
mack himself was once a member of
the Maury county court, and every
farmer, no matter how far In the back
woods he may live, knows Carmack
and calls him Ned.
While visiting Columbia, the capital
of the county, during a recess of con
gross Carmack, then a representative,
strolled into the county courtroom,
where the quarterly court was iu ses
sion. lie took a seat In a corner and
listened to the county orators. A bill
i—uu-4-i i-n i
-<11 1 \ LI 1
“DABN THE CHAjlCEY COTE!"
was presented for window shades foi
the chancery courtroom. Instantly an
excitable Justice was on his feet.
“Darn the chancey cote! I.et ’em pay
for their own window shades. That
cote ain’t nothin’ but an expense no
how.”
During Ids torrent of Invective
against the offending body Carmack
scribbled a few lines in a notebook
and gravely handed the sheet of paper
to one of the solons sitting near him.
When the orator finished, Carmack's
neighbor arose and presented the fol
lowing resolution:
Resolved, That It is the sense of this
court that the chancery court Is a useless
expense and burden to the county. There
fore be it resolved that It be declared and
Is hereby abolished.
One or two of the Justices looked at
Carmack suspiciously, but the resolu
tion was put to a vote and carried witli
enthusiasm by an overwhelming uni
Jorlty.—New York Times.
Business Mixed With RellKloe.
Representative Urousurd of Louisi
ana tells of u man who lived in New
Orleans who was a cotton broker dur
ing the week and a full fledged preacher
ou Sunday, says the Washington Post.
He mixed business with his religion in
a manner surprising to the natives.
Several years ago there had been great
upheavals In the markets, and the hulls
and bears had been having a high jinks
time. The entire week was one of in
tense excitement and strain on the men
who dealt In the staple. Fortunes were
made and lost in a Jiffy. When Sunday
came the broker-preacher went to his
church, ascended the pulpit and began
services as follows:
“We will sing to the praise of the
Lord In opening these services the
Four Hundred and Twenty-seventh
Hymn—long staple.
“The good man,” says the represent
ative, “meant to say ‘long meter,’ but
his mind was evidently on the fleecy
staple in which his cash was tied up.”
Lodge's Grim Humor.
Senator Lodge’s sense of humor is a
grim one, at least so avers a certain
committee clerk in the senate.
One afternoon early In the last ses
sion there were a number of clerks
engaged in a room Just off that of the
senior senator from Massachusetts.
All at once they were aware of the
sudden appearance of the senator. Ills
brows were wrinkled Into the sternest
of frowns.
“Who Is It,” demanded he in a per
emptory tone, “that is smoking that
cigarette?”
Whereupon the guilty man immedi
ately began to apologize and threw
away his half smoke.
“Oh, it's you,” said the senator, with
a half smile. “Then I'll thank you to
hand me one. There Isn’t a single
cigarette in my room.” — New York
Times. ______
Tlie Island off Pearls.
A rise in the price of pearls two or
three years ago produced great ac
tivity among the pearl fishers of the
Venezuelan Islands of Margarita,
whose name Is the Latin word for
pearl and whose gems were fought
over by the early Spanish explorers.
About 2,000 men find constant em
ployment In this business, which has
1 its thrilling moments, since the open
ing of a shell dredged from the pearl
oyster banks may disclose a Jewel of
great price. The Margaritan pearls
are of fine quality, usually white or
yellow, with an occasional black one,
and such a one Is greeted with Joy, for
It bears a high value. About $600,000
, worth of pearls are found near Mar
' garlta every year._
Longworth ud Longfellow.
Nicholas Longworth of Cincinnati
while a student at Harvard college
waa on a certain occasion Introduced
to the poet Longfellow. Orasplng Mr
Longworth by the hand, Mr. Longfel
low immediately said, “Here U an In
stance where ‘worth makes the man
! the want of it the fellow.’ Bostoi
' Herald.
SHRINES IN MOROCCO. 1
Why Some People Look Upon Them 1
With Suspicion. I
A traveler says that Christians iu Mo- M
rocco look with suspicion on the 9
shrines of Mohammedan saints iu that 1
country. He tells the following story: 1
"Once upon a time a boy was traveling 1
through the country, and as night came I
on lie found himself near a white- 1
washed tomb. Knocking at the door of |
the shrine, he asked for a meal and a a
bed. When the next day dawned he |
was about to continue his Journey, but i
the keeper of the shrine besought him j
to remain in order to help him keep |
the shrine and collect the oflV^.igs of ]
tile faithful. The youth said that he j
must first cansuU his pa rent.v and the I
elder man bade him tifke his ass ami j
seek advice of his parents and return. ■
Tile boy took the ass and rode away,
hut lie had not accomplished half the
journey before the ass fell sick and
died. Then the hoy knew not what to
do nor .where to turn. But when he
had considered the circumstances of
Ills case a brilliant idea flashed into his
mind.
"Having dug a pit and cast the ass
therein, he piled great stones over It,
whitening them with lime, and set a
white flag above, saying to all who
passed by, ‘This is the tomb of St. So
and-so.’ Then worshipers came from
every side, alms were poured in and
offerings showered upon him. The
keeper of the former shrine lost his
customers and came to visit the new
saint. He when the crowd had gone
approached the young shrine keeper.
‘I ask thee by Allah,’ said the old man.
‘who is this saint of thine and what
maimer of thing is buried here?’
“ ‘I will not deceive thee, but will tell
thee the truth,’ returned the youth
‘My saint who is burled here is non.
other than thy beast, even the carcass
of thine own ass. And now, pray, who
is thy saint and who In truth is buried
in the shrine thou keepest?’ ‘I will not
deceive thee, but will tell thee the
truth,’ replied the old man. ‘My saint
Is the father of thy saint.’ ”
POINTED PARAGRAPHS.
—
We all make too much of our diffi
culties.
Few mysteries are ns inexplicable ns
the one of how some people live.
When a man brags about himself It Is
a sign other people don’t brag about
him.
A mistake many men make Is being
a cat and Imagining themselves popu
lar with the mice.
A man discovers that his wife is get
ting old looking ten years before tia
makes the discovery about himself.
If some people would work hard and
tarn $10,000 some one would walk up
and, taking it away from them, tell
them they had no business with that
much money.
The trouble is that, when a man is
told he looks ten yeais younger than
he is, even that leaves him ten or twen
ty years older than he wants to be —
Atchison Globe.
Kitchen** In the Tropic**.
The kitchens of tropical countries,
snob as are to be found In our Spanish
American lands, are like cells from the
thickness of the stone walls—often two
or three feet deep—and the projecting,
omnipresent veranda, which gives a
grateful shade and which looks out on
a court. The cell resemblance is en
hanced by the Iron bars at the windows
and the heavy double doors, which look
as If they could resist a siege. The
walls are whitewashed, and the floors
are of tiles. The dining room is often
separated from this room by a long
staircase. Outside the kitchen in the
court will stand table and closets to
supplement the scant furniture of the
small, hot apartment with a furnace
like fire.
Milking an Olit Pen an Good ns New,
"My pen is spoiled, and I have no
other,” said the bookkeeper.
The machinest happened to he In the
office, and he took the p«n and held It
over the gas Jet for thirty seconds.
"You can make an old pen os good as
new,” he said, “by holding it over a
flame like this for half a minute and
afterward dipping it in cold water.”
He dipped the hot pen in cold water
ns he spoke, and it sizzled slightly.
“Now try it,” he said.
The bookkeeper tried the pen and ex
claimed joyously, "By George, It’s as
good as new again.”
Two Expressive Qnntntlnns.
Some sentences are like autographs;
you feel that they must have been writ
ten by these people; no one else could
have written them.
Such Is this, by Talleyrand: "To sue
ceed lu the world It Is much more nec
essary to possess the penetration to dis
cover who is a fool than to discover
who Is a clever man.”
And Napoleon’s character is drawn
full length In this sententious remark
ef his: “I command or I am silent/’
Love of Gnln.
To cure us of our immoderate love of
gain we should seriously consider how
many goods there are that money will
not purchase, and these the best, and
how many evils there are that money
will not remedy, and these the worst.- -
Colton.
Why, Then f
"Did you finish your shopping today,
my dear?” asks the model husband.
"Yes, I think so,” answers the trust
ing wife.
"You tbink so?”
"Yes. I don't know, though. You
see, I went to get my hat and there
were so many and all of them so pret
ty that I got five of them.”
"Five? Why dkl you do that?"
“I—really—I must have lost my
head.”
“In that case, why get a hat at all?”