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THE CEREDO ADVANCE. T. T. McDOUGAL, Publisher. CEREDO . - WEST VIRGINIA. France Is going to police the air. ("With fly cops? If the shoe pinches take it back. The .municipal court says so. ■' i ■ ■ i— — Here is where the mosquito casts toils vote for the open-work shirt waist. Jules Verne once more is vindi cated, but the trip to the moon is still to be taken. A tree appears to be to an airship what an unchartered rock is to an ocean vessel. The new Dutch baby is going to be very important as long as she has no little brother. It should be noted that the Zeppe lin airship hardly ever hns to be car rled home in a baggage car. Count Zeppelin would have better success if he could trnln his airship to stand without being hitched. The girl who lost two $50 bills through a hole in her stocking has learned that a stitch in time saves inlne. Canada retorts airily that her pros perity has removed much of the re cent necessity for more neighborli ness. Perhaps this will bo the last sum mer in which man can enjoy a view of the deep blue sky unobstructed by 'airships. They hissed one of D'Annunzio's plays in Milan. This means it will be as great a success in New York as it Is a failure in Milan. One of the features of the twen tieth century life most horribly mis branded Is that form of gasoline In toxication known “joy riding.” Statistics show that there are twice ns many births ns deaths in Grand Rapids. Still, this does not account fcltogether for the growth of the ^lace. A jailed affinity broker, whose spe cialty was duping widows, credits his downfall to his good looks. He should have remembered that handsome is as handsome does. That new-born future Queen of Hol land will be quite in line in that com ing day when woman is to rule the world and mere man be taught to know’ his proper place. A member of the douma says Russia is on the brink of economic and politi cal ruin. And only a slight push is needed to precipitate her where she'll land with a (lull, sickening thud. The reported discovery of a Vien nese physican that every man has his bad day is no new one. This life is for very few, one whose succeeding days make it one grand, sweet song. Judging by the number and promi nence of wealthy ’Frlscans involved in the silk-smuggling scandals, San Francisco Is taking kindly to the new exclusion law and making the best of it. One hundred Chicago young women, describing their Ideal for a husband, united in demanding that he must be the "head of the house.” Those artfui minxes are evidently determined to catch a man apiece. In a bankruptcy case in New York It developed that one of the partners of the firm in question received a sal ary of $12,000 a year to keep away from the business and do nothing. It would not tnke a lazy hug's blto to make a large percentage, viewing such a job, fairly die with envy. An English peer made an abject a[>ology to Lady Granard, formerly Miss Beatrice Mills, of New York, for calling her In a political address a “dumped American heiress, fortunate enough to secure a title.” Which lit tle Incident throws quite an interest ing light on the manners and customs him to be foolhardy. There Is not much enthusiasm about the proposed balloon journey ten miles skyward to establish communi cation with Mars. And probably if communication were established the first nows to be flashed to the earth would be that there is a real estate boom on the*planet and that now is U»? time to invest in planetary lots. The movement for beginning and quitting work earlier to get more time for daylight recreation does not ap pear to be an popular in some quar ters as had been supposed. A poll of the employes of the navy department In Washington showed an overwhelm ing majority against the plan. The Idea may be regarded more favorably by other government employes, but there is little testimony to that ef fect. A Chicago woman w i -hes to buy a husband and has appropriated for that purpose the humiliating sum of $200; but, on the other hand. It must be borne in mind that she naturally ex pects to get nothing but a Chicago man In the town of Worcester, Mass., any one wishing to whistle on the streets must take out a license ft is difficult to understand the sense of such a law unless It may be that too many men fell It^o the habit of whittling away other open'd dog«. The Psychosis of a Hamper By LOUISE AYRES GARNETT (CopyrlKht. by J- I.lpplncott Co.) Mrs. Blander, accompanied by a pretty young woman, entered the wil low ware room of a department store. An usher, learning her wishes, sum moned with a benign forefinger a lit tle man who announced stolidity In every line of his well-nourished body. "Mr. Ilooder, this lady would like to look at Hampers. Understand, Mr. Hooder, hampers, and do your best in the matter.” “What style would you like, ma'am?" inquired Mr. Hooder, solid' tously. "Surely,” exclaimed Mrs. Blander, “you cannot expect me to describe it to you? ( have but a nebulous pic ture in my mind, and rely on visuali zation You will have to show me your complete assortment, as I wish to make use of an important function, the power of selection. You see, Clarissa, I endeavor to psychologize each situation, thus developing nas cent qualities or stimulating matured ones, in other words”—indicating Mr. Hooder with a serious look—“I try to find the wings of every occa sion.” Mr. Hooder was astonished. "Do I understand you, ma'am to sav that you’d just like to look at—” "Hampers, hampers,” interrupted Mrs. Blunder, firmly. “I fear their purchase is entered into too impul sively. You have before you the. op portunity of ennobling this neglected field, for you may inform yourself not only as to their physical certainties, but their higher significance as well, thereby acquiring the right to take each customer by the hand and lead her gently but compellingly.” Mr. Hooder flushed modestly and thrust his hands deep into his pockets. "If only you could tell me,” he said, feelingly, “if you’d like a large one or a small one or a mejum-sized one or—” Mrs. Blander fixed him with an out raged eye. “Size?” she inquired. “You ask me what size? That, sir, is a minor issue. It may be as large as a bed of the “Intuit, Sir, Intuit." Nepoleonic era, and, so its lines be speak art, I will receive it, allowing its unfilled interior to testify to my spiritual consistency. Or. if you show me nothing that will satisfy the demands of beauty save small ones, I will purchase several, placing them here and there, like Grecian urns. And if, perchance, you have one of precisely the proper circumference and height, with Beauty shaping its outlines, then would I say it was Art's reward for a disciple's adherence to Its laws.” Mrs. Blander was lost in thought. Mr. Booder seemed to be experiencing vertigo. Then he pulled himself to gether. .'•ww, mm m imjv a iKKi mea, ma am, about having several of ’em. You could have one for handkerchiefs, one for towels, another for sheets, and ' another for—” Mrs. Blander raised a tremulous hand. "Spare me this ignoble differentia tion. There Is no need to dwell upon their functions, for we all know that as mere utilitarian objects they are degrading.” Poor Mr. Booder couched guiltily because of his Identification with the hamper department. He was clutched by a feeling of helpless criminality. "Furthermore,” continued Mrs. Blander, “according to higher Inter pretation. you misuse the word ’idea.’ But. to revert to my proposed pur chase. 1 have resolved to eliminate from the transaction all the Hordid. as anything for use In the home, that shrine of the heart, must have a spir itual meaning." Mrs Blander glanced triumphantly from riarissa to Mr. Booder. and though she rightly read the face of one to mean awe. she mistook the struggle of the other to Indicate an awakening soul With a thrill of Joy she seated herself and cordially mo tioned to her auditors to do the same, riarissa. of course, obeyed, but Mr Booder dug his heels firmly in the | floor and faced her standing. Mr. Booder was inclined to sulk, but, habit being strong upon him, I marshalled one symbol after another before his soulful customer, who re jected them solemnly, almost sorrow- 1 fully, as though mourning the exist ence of so much of the unoeautlful. Finally he >x>lled into place a hamper so huge that it looked capable of ac commodating the horse of Troy. The instant Mrs. Blander saw It *h« exclaimed, gracefully: “That is an exponent of a most charming type! Pray rest from you»* labors, while 1 meditate upon it. S«#, Clarissa, how noble are its proportions, how chaste its design, how Doric Us atmosphere! Do you know what it s 4ggests to me, dear?” Clarissa couldn’t gue>s, so 3n'r». Blander cried, Joyously: “Th* Par thenon, Clarissa. It really doe» It’» strange how these suggestion* come to me, transcendent iluminations that open wide the windows of my being, and register ineffaceable impressions. That’s just the way I felt when I saw this splendid hamper. ‘Parthenon!* something seemed to whisper; and Parthenon It will always mean to me. So austere, yet so satlsfyingly beauti ful! How does it appeal to you?” "Of course, dear,” mod-fstly re sponded Clarissa, “I’m not clever like you, and never have occult intima tions, bo, to tell the truth, ft merely seems to me the biggest and bRldest hamper I ever saw. You’ll forgive me, Appolonia?” Bhe concluded, humbly. j m uisnppoiniea in you, Airs. Blander replied, palpably ruffled. "It’s humiliating to know that my compan ionship has done so little for you, nnd that this hamper is to you noth ing but a hamper. I hope you”—turn ing to Mr. Booder—“can see in it some thing beyond the material.” Mr. Booder advanced to the side of the wicker elephant and peered within. “I can’t, ma’am,” ha confessed, shamefacedly; "there ain't anything in it I can see, not even materials.” He continued gazing dejectedly into the bowels of the hamper. If esthetieism can snort, that low word would best describe the sound of disgust with which Mrs. Blunder favored Mr. Booder. "Are men but clods?” she cried. “Does intuition play no part with you? Intuit, sir, intuit!” Such was the commanding presence of strong-minded Mrs. Blander and the obedient servility of weak-minded Mr. Booder, that in the twinkling of an eye, and before Mr. Booder himself knew w'hat he was doing, he had leaped over the side of the hamper and was meekly gazing out at his rea olute customer. Clarissa showed herself not alto getlier devoid of humor and sniggered painfully; but Mrs. Blander was sen sitive and silenced her by a glance. "What do you mean,” she inquired, "behaving in this fashion? Come out at once and explain your conduct.” Mr. Booder clambered out of th« Parthenon and answered, defiantly: "You told me to do it.” "I did nothing of the kind.” contra dicted Mrs. Blander in her most posi tive manner. “I’ll leave it to the young lady If you didn’t,” he recklessly retorted. "You called out: ’Into It, sir, into it,1 and if that ain't plain English I’d like to know the reason why.” Once again Clarissa jarred upon Mrs. Blunder’s nerves, and with a sweeping gesture the latter waved away the hamper. “Ain't you going to take It, after all?” asked disappointed Mr. Booder, loath to recommence Ms labors. "Never!” cried Mrs. Blander. “Not after it has been desecrated by ridi cule and inhabited by ignorance.” Mr. Booder quailed before her eye and embarrassedly trundled away the classic pile. It was not until all of the stock hnd been paraded beforo her that Mrs Blander decided upon a medium-sized hamper that bulged In the middle, had outspreading handles and a magenta band near the top. “The magenta border Is a blow tc me,” she explained to Mr. Booder “as the room In which it Is to be placed Is in ethereal blue, and I fear n subtle antagonism between the ! two.” The price of this—” began Mr Booder, pencil in hand, glad to be on the ground he comprehended. But not so. Mrs. Blander raised n suppurating hand as she said: "Do not name the price. I beg of you. 1 make it a point never to sully an ob lect at the time of purchase by Iden tlfying It with the cost. If, when it is delivered, 1 find ft beyond what I can afford, 1 simply return It. In this way I contribute my mite toward spiritualizing trade. Now let us go. Clarissa, and as we go let us cast fre fluent glances at the new symbol, for I wish to carry away a distinct pir» tore, unconfused with environing ob jects.” , So Mrs. Blander glided from the room, part of the time backward, looking out of half closed lids at the receding lines of the hamper and its magenta border. "She forgot to give me her ad dress,” malignly chuckled Mr. Booder, beginning to recover his spirits. Fame. "Pa, what is fame?” ‘ Fame, m.v boy. Is an Induccmei fhat employe’s always hold out to man when they want hlir to wo: for small wages.” ' TO MEMORY TO JULES VERNE Monument Erected by Amiens. France, in Honor of the Famous French Author. Paris.—Amiens, France, where Jules Verne lived and wrote and died, and of which he was a lifelong municipal councilor, has dedicated a monument to his memory. It is a marble bust on a high decorative pedestal, around the base of which a boy and his sister are reading one book and a smaller boy is reclining in the same pleasant pursuit of knowledge. The notable men present for the delication Included such Parisians as Jules Claretie, the brother of Al phonse Daudet, and Henry Roujon of the IJeaux Arts. Jules Claretie told Monument to Jules Verne. how the younger Dumas looked on Jules Verne as the real rival of his father. Dumas the Great popularized history in his novels; Jules Verne did more to make boys and men know geography and applied sciences than any other author of fiction who has lived. Neither pretended to be rigor ously exact; but, at bottom, there was historic or scientific truth. Dumas used every pediod of history, and Jules Verne used every branch of science. One praised the times that are past— the other the times that are to come. Millions of boys and girls have read the books of Jules Verne, in French, English, German, Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, Italian, Swedish, Japanese tmd Russia. There are even Chinese and Arab translations of “Around the World in Eighty Days,” and Madame Verne has a vellum bound volume in which Persians read the adventures of Phineas Fogg. Some of Jules Verne's most fantas tic predictions have already been realized. The submarine boats of present navies were wild romance in “Twenty Thousand Leages Under the Sea” and “The Mysterious Island.” He predicted the automobile and the dirigible balloon and aeroplane when most of today's middle aged men were boys or infants in arms. In "Robur Le Conquerant” and "Hec tor Servadac” men flew; and in "The Steam House” they motored on a scale yet to be realized. "Screw Island” was suggested by a paragraph in an American Sunday newspaper. "It, too, will happen some day,” said Mine. Jules Verne recently. NEW DIRECTOR OF CENSUS. E. Dana Durand Has Long Been in the Public Service—Is Native of Michigan. Washington.—E. Dana Durand, the new director of the United States E. Dana Durand. census who succeeds S. N. D. North, is a native of Michigan, having been born at Romeo in 1ST 1. He was edu cated at Oberlin and Cornell, and early began his pleasant profession of holding a public position by becoming legislative Librarian in the New York state library In 1K9.">. He went from there to an assistant professorship In the Leland Stanford university, but. left that Institution after a couple of years to become secretary of the 1 nlted States Industrial commission. In 1902 Mr. Durand was for a few months an Instructor In economics at Harvard. I hen he went back as spe cial expert agent of the census office on street railways and electric light plants. \\ hen that Job ran out he shifted gracefully over to the hu-eau of corporations, where he was for four years a special examiner, and since 1907 he has been deputy com missioner of corporations. It Was a Dream. "Ever see a sea serpent?" "I was chased by one once," "What did you do?" "Uet up and Mt the gas. AyVVs-N €o Z^eygsymp _ rrrjrrSv-Miffii ^ Alexander the Great was a shining example Of what can be done in t h • struggle for fame, And Napoleon's life Is another good sample Of how a young man may achieve a great name— But what was the good of thelt ■ trident en deavor? Why struggle and battle and grum ble and die? Ah, rather than all who were noble and clever Would I have been he who de voured the first pie. His name ia not written on his tory's pages. No legends make note of this luckiest man— nut happier he than tne statesmen an-l H.-iin-a He stooped the first poetry from out of Its pan! Old Cadmus, who fashioned the first of our letters. But what ,\k1 they know of the primal pie Joy * Copernicus! What is Copernlcug famed for? Archimedes, Eucrld, and all of that crew? And Caesar and Brutus and all that they gamed for— O, what were great kingdoms, without pie, too? Proud Shakespeare held sway in the kingdom dramatic. But what would lie cure for his with ering wreath If he might liuve felt the sensution ac static Of bringing the very first pie to his teeth? I would not have cared for the luster of Xero, The honors of Pliny, the glamour of Watts. ■The plaudits of Fahrenheit when h« found zero— The man who found pie Is the chief in my thoughts. No. Even Columbus and all he discov ered Back charms to my mind, for I long and I sigh To have been he who found what de light fulness hovered Between the crisp crusts of the very first pie! 0ld Man Giddles Q BSBRVE-S - When a young man grows a beard or an old man shaves off his beard each of them is accused of being vain. Alfaretta Mingo is very melan choly. She was engaged to a young man, and made a delicious cherry pie for him. He bit on a cherry stone unexpectedly. I have never observed that the peo ple who lose sleep trying to catch somebody doing wrong will leave their work even for a minute to see some body doing good. As thunderstorms clear the air, so it sometimes clears the minds of peo ple to criticise all the faults of all their friends at one sitting. Eli Timms shudders over the out look for this country. He has given his opinion as to the next presiden tial nominees and it has not been printed anywhere yet. I understand that Buddhists will not kUl even an insect. if I were a Huddhist I would backslide long enough to get revenge on the mosqui toes. Jethro Skidmore puts in all his time reading scientific works. He has a son who is ford of fudge. Some of us get so sentimental about the happy days of yore that we never can recall where we put up the tack hammer yesterday. When you have some hard luck It would surprise you to know how many people say it serves you right. Pos sibly it does. Night on the Sea. Night on the sea Is best of alt. Por then the starfish hlfnks In view The sea-horse whinnies In Its stall. The dogfish hays the moonfish. too. An ordinary linen handkerchief folded and placed over the mouth and held In p»#ce b’’ ■». bath towel knotted about the head will prevent your neighbors from hearing you yell •,^Kh-gh•' when you take your cold plunge of mornings. scours IDEA OF MARRIAGE. Crusty Massachusetts Bachelor of Eighty Years Has Most Decided Views on the Matter. Eighty years of single blessedness Is the record of Moses P. Stowe, one of the oldest residents of Grafton, Mass. Not a woman crosses the threshold of his cozy home. “It makes no difference who or what the woman is; she wouldn't get inside of this house," he says. “Even wom en peddlers create a different atmos phere when they only knock at the door. “Marry? Well, I should say not. You don't know what that word means. Why, look at all of the men in this country who have fastened them selves to women whom they professed to love, and now want to get as far away from femininity as they can. I ■ wouldn’t marry the best woman that I ever lived. I tell yon, tney are trou i ble brewers; they always have been I and always will be. “I had lots of girl friends when I | was a young fellow, but when there was any chasing to be done they were j the ones who did it. I never allowed 1 myself to become infatuated with a girl, as I knew it would be my end.'* GRATIS. Youth (at a bun emporium)—I say, you know, this milk is sour. Sweet Thing—Well, there’s plenty of sugar on the table, ain’t there? INTOLERABLE ITCHING. Fearful Eczema All Over Baby’s Face —Professional Treatment Failed. A Perfect Cure by Cuticura. “When my little girl was six months old I noticed small red spots on her right cheek. They grew bo large that I sent for the doctor but, instead of helping the eruption, his ointment seemed to make it worse. Then I went to a second doctor wrho said it was eczema. He also gave me an oint ment which did not help either. The disease spread all over the face and the eyes began to swell. The itching grew Intolerable and it was a terrible sight to see. I consulted doctors for months, but they were unable to cure the baby. I paid out from $20 to $30 without relief. One evening I began to use the Cuticura Remedies. The next morning the baby’s face was all white instead of red. I continued until the eczema entirely disappeared. Mrs. P. E. Gumbin, Sheldon, la., July 13,’08.” | Potter Drug & Chem. Corp., Sole Props., Boston. Was Proud of His Dad. Here is one relating to the public schools, even though it has no bearing on the present public school contro versy. Like as not it isn't even true, but somebody ’lowed it was. Anyway little George came home from one of the schools on the West side and told his dad that he wished he would write him a little essay on skating. George’s father, while not a profes sional writer, prides himself on his ability to put his thoughts into good clear Pngllsh, and he willingly dashed off a little composition for his son’s edification. The following evening George greeted his male parent with much enthusiasm when the latter came home from the office. “You’re all right, popsy,” he de clared, proudly. “I copied off that es say of yours and turned it in, and the teacher said there was only one bet ter one in the whole class.”—Cleve land Plain Dealer. A Tall Bear Story. "Why, once, do you know, I found a bear inside n hollow log. Well, of course, I couldn't get at him to shoot him. and the log was too heavy to move. I didn’t know what to do. So <*t Inst I thought of cutting four hoies In the log, about where the bear's feet must be, and I got his paws through slick. Then I tied a rope nLcut the log aid made him walk with it Into camp. And—would you be lieve it?—we Lad all our food and all our fuel for the winter out of that one deal."—Outing Beginning Right.. "Your folks must be mighty excep tionally fond of eggplant." remarked the grocer's clerk to the deacon s son when the two met after the church services oae Sunday. "Your father ordered two dozen of ’em yesterday.’’ "Oh, that's easily explained. You see dad’s been reading about the latest methods of chicken-raising, and he decided to try the business. Al though the books advised beginners to purchase adult fowls, dad decided It was better to start with the eggplant." — Harper’s Weekly. Tattle children are suffering every day in the year with sprains, bruises, cuts bumps and burns. Hamlin* Wizard Oil is banishing these ache* and pains every day in the year, the world over. He is a man of power who, when all his fellows are swayed by some am bition or passion, remains ralm and unmoved.—Creston. The wife of a dyspeptic man may not aKree with him any more than ter cooking does.