Ceredo advance. [volume], July 21, 1909, Image 2

About Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939

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eww———
THE CEREDO ADVANCE.
T. T. McDOUGAL, Publisher.
CEREDO . - WEST VIRGINIA.
France Is going to police the air.
("With fly cops?
If the shoe pinches take it back. The
.municipal court says so.
■' i ■ ■ i— —
Here is where the mosquito casts
toils vote for the open-work shirt
waist.
Jules Verne once more is vindi
cated, but the trip to the moon is still
to be taken.
A tree appears to be to an airship
what an unchartered rock is to an
ocean vessel.
The new Dutch baby is going to be
very important as long as she has
no little brother.
It should be noted that the Zeppe
lin airship hardly ever hns to be car
rled home in a baggage car.
Count Zeppelin would have better
success if he could trnln his airship
to stand without being hitched.
The girl who lost two $50 bills
through a hole in her stocking has
learned that a stitch in time saves
inlne.
Canada retorts airily that her pros
perity has removed much of the re
cent necessity for more neighborli
ness.
Perhaps this will bo the last sum
mer in which man can enjoy a view
of the deep blue sky unobstructed by
'airships.
They hissed one of D'Annunzio's
plays in Milan. This means it will be
as great a success in New York as it
Is a failure in Milan.
One of the features of the twen
tieth century life most horribly mis
branded Is that form of gasoline In
toxication known “joy riding.”
Statistics show that there are twice
ns many births ns deaths in Grand
Rapids. Still, this does not account
fcltogether for the growth of the
^lace.
A jailed affinity broker, whose spe
cialty was duping widows, credits his
downfall to his good looks. He should
have remembered that handsome is as
handsome does.
That new-born future Queen of Hol
land will be quite in line in that com
ing day when woman is to rule the
world and mere man be taught to
know’ his proper place.
A member of the douma says Russia
is on the brink of economic and politi
cal ruin. And only a slight push is
needed to precipitate her where she'll
land with a (lull, sickening thud.
The reported discovery of a Vien
nese physican that every man has his
bad day is no new one. This life is
for very few, one whose succeeding
days make it one grand, sweet song.
Judging by the number and promi
nence of wealthy ’Frlscans involved
in the silk-smuggling scandals, San
Francisco Is taking kindly to the new
exclusion law and making the best
of it.
One hundred Chicago young women,
describing their Ideal for a husband,
united in demanding that he must be
the "head of the house.” Those artfui
minxes are evidently determined to
catch a man apiece.
In a bankruptcy case in New York
It developed that one of the partners
of the firm in question received a sal
ary of $12,000 a year to keep away
from the business and do nothing. It
would not tnke a lazy hug's blto to
make a large percentage, viewing such
a job, fairly die with envy.
An English peer made an abject
a[>ology to Lady Granard, formerly
Miss Beatrice Mills, of New York, for
calling her In a political address a
“dumped American heiress, fortunate
enough to secure a title.” Which lit
tle Incident throws quite an interest
ing light on the manners and customs
him to be foolhardy.
There Is not much enthusiasm about
the proposed balloon journey ten
miles skyward to establish communi
cation with Mars. And probably if
communication were established the
first nows to be flashed to the earth
would be that there is a real estate
boom on the*planet and that now is
U»? time to invest in planetary lots.
The movement for beginning and
quitting work earlier to get more time
for daylight recreation does not ap
pear to be an popular in some quar
ters as had been supposed. A poll of
the employes of the navy department
In Washington showed an overwhelm
ing majority against the plan. The
Idea may be regarded more favorably
by other government employes, but
there is little testimony to that ef
fect.
A Chicago woman w i -hes to buy a
husband and has appropriated for that
purpose the humiliating sum of $200;
but, on the other hand. It must be
borne in mind that she naturally ex
pects to get nothing but a Chicago
man
In the town of Worcester, Mass., any
one wishing to whistle on the streets
must take out a license ft is difficult
to understand the sense of such a law
unless It may be that too many men
fell It^o the habit of whittling away
other open'd dog«.
The Psychosis of a Hamper
By LOUISE AYRES GARNETT
(CopyrlKht. by J- I.lpplncott Co.)
Mrs. Blander, accompanied by a
pretty young woman, entered the wil
low ware room of a department store.
An usher, learning her wishes, sum
moned with a benign forefinger a lit
tle man who announced stolidity In
every line of his well-nourished body.
"Mr. Ilooder, this lady would like to
look at Hampers. Understand, Mr.
Hooder, hampers, and do your best in
the matter.”
“What style would you like,
ma'am?" inquired Mr. Hooder, solid'
tously.
"Surely,” exclaimed Mrs. Blander,
“you cannot expect me to describe it
to you? ( have but a nebulous pic
ture in my mind, and rely on visuali
zation You will have to show me
your complete assortment, as I wish
to make use of an important function,
the power of selection. You see,
Clarissa, I endeavor to psychologize
each situation, thus developing nas
cent qualities or stimulating matured
ones, in other words”—indicating
Mr. Hooder with a serious look—“I
try to find the wings of every occa
sion.”
Mr. Hooder was astonished.
"Do I understand you, ma'am to
sav that you’d just like to look at—”
"Hampers, hampers,” interrupted
Mrs. Blunder, firmly. “I fear their
purchase is entered into too impul
sively. You have before you the. op
portunity of ennobling this neglected
field, for you may inform yourself not
only as to their physical certainties,
but their higher significance as well,
thereby acquiring the right to take
each customer by the hand and lead
her gently but compellingly.”
Mr. Hooder flushed modestly and
thrust his hands deep into his pockets.
"If only you could tell me,” he said,
feelingly, “if you’d like a large one
or a small one or a mejum-sized one
or—”
Mrs. Blander fixed him with an out
raged eye.
“Size?” she inquired. “You ask me
what size? That, sir, is a minor issue.
It may be as large as a bed of the
“Intuit, Sir, Intuit."
Nepoleonic era, and, so its lines be
speak art, I will receive it, allowing
its unfilled interior to testify to my
spiritual consistency. Or. if you
show me nothing that will satisfy the
demands of beauty save small ones,
I will purchase several, placing them
here and there, like Grecian urns.
And if, perchance, you have one of
precisely the proper circumference
and height, with Beauty shaping its
outlines, then would I say it was Art's
reward for a disciple's adherence to
Its laws.”
Mrs. Blander was lost in thought.
Mr. Booder seemed to be experiencing
vertigo. Then he pulled himself to
gether.
.'•ww, mm m imjv a iKKi mea, ma am,
about having several of ’em. You
could have one for handkerchiefs, one
for towels, another for sheets, and '
another for—”
Mrs. Blander raised a tremulous
hand.
"Spare me this ignoble differentia
tion. There Is no need to dwell upon
their functions, for we all know that
as mere utilitarian objects they are
degrading.”
Poor Mr. Booder couched guiltily
because of his Identification with the
hamper department. He was clutched
by a feeling of helpless criminality.
"Furthermore,” continued Mrs.
Blander, “according to higher Inter
pretation. you misuse the word ’idea.’
But. to revert to my proposed pur
chase. 1 have resolved to eliminate
from the transaction all the Hordid. as
anything for use In the home, that
shrine of the heart, must have a spir
itual meaning."
Mrs Blander glanced triumphantly
from riarissa to Mr. Booder. and
though she rightly read the face of
one to mean awe. she mistook the
struggle of the other to Indicate an
awakening soul With a thrill of Joy
she seated herself and cordially mo
tioned to her auditors to do the same,
riarissa. of course, obeyed, but Mr
Booder dug his heels firmly in the |
floor and faced her standing.
Mr. Booder was inclined to sulk,
but, habit being strong upon him, I
marshalled one symbol after another
before his soulful customer, who re
jected them solemnly, almost sorrow- 1
fully, as though mourning the exist
ence of so much of the unoeautlful.
Finally he >x>lled into place a hamper
so huge that it looked capable of ac
commodating the horse of Troy.
The instant Mrs. Blander saw It *h«
exclaimed, gracefully: “That is an
exponent of a most charming type!
Pray rest from you»* labors, while 1
meditate upon it. S«#, Clarissa, how
noble are its proportions, how chaste
its design, how Doric Us atmosphere!
Do you know what it s 4ggests to me,
dear?”
Clarissa couldn’t gue>s, so 3n'r».
Blander cried, Joyously: “Th* Par
thenon, Clarissa. It really doe» It’»
strange how these suggestion* come
to me, transcendent iluminations that
open wide the windows of my being,
and register ineffaceable impressions.
That’s just the way I felt when I saw
this splendid hamper. ‘Parthenon!*
something seemed to whisper; and
Parthenon It will always mean to me.
So austere, yet so satlsfyingly beauti
ful! How does it appeal to you?”
"Of course, dear,” mod-fstly re
sponded Clarissa, “I’m not clever like
you, and never have occult intima
tions, bo, to tell the truth, ft merely
seems to me the biggest and bRldest
hamper I ever saw. You’ll forgive
me, Appolonia?” Bhe concluded,
humbly.
j m uisnppoiniea in you, Airs.
Blander replied, palpably ruffled. "It’s
humiliating to know that my compan
ionship has done so little for you,
nnd that this hamper is to you noth
ing but a hamper. I hope you”—turn
ing to Mr. Booder—“can see in it some
thing beyond the material.”
Mr. Booder advanced to the side of
the wicker elephant and peered
within.
“I can’t, ma’am,” ha confessed,
shamefacedly; "there ain't anything
in it I can see, not even materials.”
He continued gazing dejectedly into
the bowels of the hamper.
If esthetieism can snort, that low
word would best describe the sound
of disgust with which Mrs. Blunder
favored Mr. Booder.
"Are men but clods?” she cried.
“Does intuition play no part with you?
Intuit, sir, intuit!”
Such was the commanding presence
of strong-minded Mrs. Blander and the
obedient servility of weak-minded Mr.
Booder, that in the twinkling of an
eye, and before Mr. Booder himself
knew w'hat he was doing, he had
leaped over the side of the hamper
and was meekly gazing out at his rea
olute customer.
Clarissa showed herself not alto
getlier devoid of humor and sniggered
painfully; but Mrs. Blander was sen
sitive and silenced her by a glance.
"What do you mean,” she inquired,
"behaving in this fashion? Come out
at once and explain your conduct.”
Mr. Booder clambered out of th«
Parthenon and answered, defiantly:
"You told me to do it.”
"I did nothing of the kind.” contra
dicted Mrs. Blander in her most posi
tive manner.
“I’ll leave it to the young lady If
you didn’t,” he recklessly retorted.
"You called out: ’Into It, sir, into it,1
and if that ain't plain English I’d like
to know the reason why.”
Once again Clarissa jarred upon
Mrs. Blunder’s nerves, and with a
sweeping gesture the latter waved
away the hamper.
“Ain't you going to take It, after
all?” asked disappointed Mr. Booder,
loath to recommence Ms labors.
"Never!” cried Mrs. Blander. “Not
after it has been desecrated by ridi
cule and inhabited by ignorance.”
Mr. Booder quailed before her eye
and embarrassedly trundled away the
classic pile.
It was not until all of the stock hnd
been paraded beforo her that Mrs
Blander decided upon a medium-sized
hamper that bulged In the middle, had
outspreading handles and a magenta
band near the top.
“The magenta border Is a blow tc
me,” she explained to Mr. Booder
“as the room In which it Is to be
placed Is in ethereal blue, and I fear
n subtle antagonism between the !
two.”
The price of this—” began Mr
Booder, pencil in hand, glad to be on
the ground he comprehended.
But not so. Mrs. Blander raised n
suppurating hand as she said: "Do
not name the price. I beg of you. 1
make it a point never to sully an ob
lect at the time of purchase by Iden
tlfying It with the cost. If, when it
is delivered, 1 find ft beyond what I
can afford, 1 simply return It. In this
way I contribute my mite toward
spiritualizing trade. Now let us go.
Clarissa, and as we go let us cast fre
fluent glances at the new symbol, for
I wish to carry away a distinct pir»
tore, unconfused with environing ob
jects.” ,
So Mrs. Blander glided from the
room, part of the time backward,
looking out of half closed lids at the
receding lines of the hamper and its
magenta border.
"She forgot to give me her ad
dress,” malignly chuckled Mr. Booder,
beginning to recover his spirits.
Fame.
"Pa, what is fame?”
‘ Fame, m.v boy. Is an Induccmei
fhat employe’s always hold out to
man when they want hlir to wo:
for small wages.” '
TO MEMORY TO JULES VERNE
Monument Erected by Amiens. France,
in Honor of the Famous
French Author.
Paris.—Amiens, France, where Jules
Verne lived and wrote and died, and
of which he was a lifelong municipal
councilor, has dedicated a monument
to his memory. It is a marble bust
on a high decorative pedestal, around
the base of which a boy and his sister
are reading one book and a smaller
boy is reclining in the same pleasant
pursuit of knowledge.
The notable men present for the
delication Included such Parisians as
Jules Claretie, the brother of Al
phonse Daudet, and Henry Roujon of
the IJeaux Arts. Jules Claretie told
Monument to Jules Verne.
how the younger Dumas looked on
Jules Verne as the real rival of his
father. Dumas the Great popularized
history in his novels; Jules Verne did
more to make boys and men know
geography and applied sciences than
any other author of fiction who has
lived. Neither pretended to be rigor
ously exact; but, at bottom, there was
historic or scientific truth. Dumas
used every pediod of history, and Jules
Verne used every branch of science.
One praised the times that are past—
the other the times that are to come.
Millions of boys and girls have read
the books of Jules Verne, in French,
English, German, Spanish, Portuguese,
Dutch, Italian, Swedish, Japanese tmd
Russia. There are even Chinese and
Arab translations of “Around the
World in Eighty Days,” and Madame
Verne has a vellum bound volume in
which Persians read the adventures of
Phineas Fogg.
Some of Jules Verne's most fantas
tic predictions have already been
realized. The submarine boats of
present navies were wild romance in
“Twenty Thousand Leages Under the
Sea” and “The Mysterious Island.”
He predicted the automobile and
the dirigible balloon and aeroplane
when most of today's middle aged
men were boys or infants in arms.
In "Robur Le Conquerant” and "Hec
tor Servadac” men flew; and in "The
Steam House” they motored on a
scale yet to be realized.
"Screw Island” was suggested by a
paragraph in an American Sunday
newspaper. "It, too, will happen some
day,” said Mine. Jules Verne recently.
NEW DIRECTOR OF CENSUS.
E. Dana Durand Has Long Been in
the Public Service—Is Native
of Michigan.
Washington.—E. Dana Durand, the
new director of the United States
E. Dana Durand.
census who succeeds S. N. D. North,
is a native of Michigan, having been
born at Romeo in 1ST 1. He was edu
cated at Oberlin and Cornell, and
early began his pleasant profession of
holding a public position by becoming
legislative Librarian in the New York
state library In 1K9.">. He went from
there to an assistant professorship In
the Leland Stanford university, but.
left that Institution after a couple of
years to become secretary of the
1 nlted States Industrial commission.
In 1902 Mr. Durand was for a few
months an Instructor In economics at
Harvard. I hen he went back as spe
cial expert agent of the census office
on street railways and electric light
plants. \\ hen that Job ran out he
shifted gracefully over to the hu-eau
of corporations, where he was for
four years a special examiner, and
since 1907 he has been deputy com
missioner of corporations.
It Was a Dream.
"Ever see a sea serpent?"
"I was chased by one once,"
"What did you do?"
"Uet up and Mt the gas.
AyVVs-N €o
Z^eygsymp _
rrrjrrSv-Miffii ^
Alexander the Great
was a shining
example
Of what can be
done in t h •
struggle for
fame,
And Napoleon's life
Is another good
sample
Of how a young
man may achieve
a great name—
But what was the
good of thelt
■ trident en
deavor?
Why struggle and
battle and grum
ble and die?
Ah, rather than all
who were noble
and clever
Would I have
been he who de
voured the first
pie.
His name ia not
written on his
tory's pages.
No legends make
note of this
luckiest man—
nut happier he than
tne statesmen
an-l H.-iin-a
He stooped the first poetry from out
of Its pan!
Old Cadmus, who fashioned the first of
our letters.
But what ,\k1 they know of the primal
pie Joy *
Copernicus! What is Copernlcug famed
for?
Archimedes, Eucrld, and all of that
crew?
And Caesar and Brutus and all that
they gamed for—
O, what were great kingdoms, without
pie, too?
Proud Shakespeare held sway in the
kingdom dramatic.
But what would lie cure for his with
ering wreath
If he might liuve felt the sensution ac
static
Of bringing the very first pie to his
teeth?
I would not have cared for the luster of
Xero,
The honors of Pliny, the glamour of
Watts.
■The plaudits of Fahrenheit when h«
found zero—
The man who found pie Is the chief in
my thoughts.
No. Even Columbus and all he discov
ered
Back charms to my mind, for I long
and I sigh
To have been he who found what de
light fulness hovered
Between the crisp crusts of the very
first pie!
0ld Man Giddles
Q BSBRVE-S -
When a young
man grows a
beard or an old
man shaves off
his beard each of
them is accused
of being vain.
Alfaretta Mingo
is very melan
choly. She was
engaged to a
young man, and
made a delicious
cherry pie for him. He bit on a
cherry stone unexpectedly.
I have never observed that the peo
ple who lose sleep trying to catch
somebody doing wrong will leave their
work even for a minute to see some
body doing good.
As thunderstorms clear the air, so
it sometimes clears the minds of peo
ple to criticise all the faults of all
their friends at one sitting.
Eli Timms shudders over the out
look for this country. He has given
his opinion as to the next presiden
tial nominees and it has not been
printed anywhere yet.
I understand that Buddhists will not
kUl even an insect. if I were a
Huddhist I would backslide long
enough to get revenge on the mosqui
toes.
Jethro Skidmore puts in all his time
reading scientific works. He has a
son who is ford of fudge.
Some of us get so sentimental about
the happy days of yore that we never
can recall where we put up the tack
hammer yesterday.
When you have some hard luck It
would surprise you to know how many
people say it serves you right. Pos
sibly it does.
Night on the Sea.
Night on the sea Is best of alt.
Por then the starfish hlfnks In view
The sea-horse whinnies In Its stall.
The dogfish hays the moonfish. too.
An ordinary linen handkerchief
folded and placed over the mouth
and held In p»#ce b’’ ■». bath towel
knotted about the head will prevent
your neighbors from hearing you
yell •,^Kh-gh•' when you take your
cold plunge of mornings.
scours IDEA OF MARRIAGE.
Crusty Massachusetts Bachelor of
Eighty Years Has Most Decided
Views on the Matter.
Eighty years of single blessedness Is
the record of Moses P. Stowe, one of
the oldest residents of Grafton, Mass.
Not a woman crosses the threshold
of his cozy home.
“It makes no difference who or what
the woman is; she wouldn't get inside
of this house," he says. “Even wom
en peddlers create a different atmos
phere when they only knock at the
door.
“Marry? Well, I should say not. You
don't know what that word means.
Why, look at all of the men in this
country who have fastened them
selves to women whom they professed
to love, and now want to get as far
away from femininity as they can. I
■ wouldn’t marry the best woman that
I ever lived. I tell yon, tney are trou
i ble brewers; they always have been
I and always will be.
“I had lots of girl friends when I
| was a young fellow, but when there
was any chasing to be done they were
j the ones who did it. I never allowed
1 myself to become infatuated with a
girl, as I knew it would be my end.'*
GRATIS.
Youth (at a bun emporium)—I say,
you know, this milk is sour.
Sweet Thing—Well, there’s plenty
of sugar on the table, ain’t there?
INTOLERABLE ITCHING.
Fearful Eczema All Over Baby’s Face
—Professional Treatment Failed.
A Perfect Cure by Cuticura.
“When my little girl was six months
old I noticed small red spots on her
right cheek. They grew bo large that
I sent for the doctor but, instead of
helping the eruption, his ointment
seemed to make it worse. Then I
went to a second doctor wrho said it
was eczema. He also gave me an oint
ment which did not help either. The
disease spread all over the face and
the eyes began to swell. The itching
grew Intolerable and it was a terrible
sight to see. I consulted doctors for
months, but they were unable to cure
the baby. I paid out from $20 to $30
without relief. One evening I began
to use the Cuticura Remedies. The
next morning the baby’s face was all
white instead of red. I continued until
the eczema entirely disappeared. Mrs.
P. E. Gumbin, Sheldon, la., July 13,’08.”
| Potter Drug & Chem. Corp., Sole Props., Boston.
Was Proud of His Dad.
Here is one relating to the public
schools, even though it has no bearing
on the present public school contro
versy. Like as not it isn't even true,
but somebody ’lowed it was. Anyway
little George came home from one of
the schools on the West side and told
his dad that he wished he would write
him a little essay on skating.
George’s father, while not a profes
sional writer, prides himself on his
ability to put his thoughts into good
clear Pngllsh, and he willingly dashed
off a little composition for his son’s
edification.
The following evening George
greeted his male parent with much
enthusiasm when the latter came
home from the office.
“You’re all right, popsy,” he de
clared, proudly. “I copied off that es
say of yours and turned it in, and the
teacher said there was only one bet
ter one in the whole class.”—Cleve
land Plain Dealer.
A Tall Bear Story.
"Why, once, do you know, I found a
bear inside n hollow log. Well, of
course, I couldn't get at him to shoot
him. and the log was too heavy to
move. I didn’t know what to do. So <*t
Inst I thought of cutting four hoies
In the log, about where the bear's
feet must be, and I got his paws
through slick. Then I tied a rope
nLcut the log aid made him walk with
it Into camp. And—would you be
lieve it?—we Lad all our food and all
our fuel for the winter out of that one
deal."—Outing
Beginning Right..
"Your folks must be mighty excep
tionally fond of eggplant." remarked
the grocer's clerk to the deacon s son
when the two met after the church
services oae Sunday. "Your father
ordered two dozen of ’em yesterday.’’
"Oh, that's easily explained. You
see dad’s been reading about the
latest methods of chicken-raising, and
he decided to try the business. Al
though the books advised beginners
to purchase adult fowls, dad decided It
was better to start with the eggplant."
— Harper’s Weekly.
Tattle children are suffering every day
in the year with sprains, bruises, cuts
bumps and burns. Hamlin* Wizard Oil
is banishing these ache* and pains every
day in the year, the world over.
He is a man of power who, when all
his fellows are swayed by some am
bition or passion, remains ralm and
unmoved.—Creston.
The wife of a dyspeptic man may
not aKree with him any more than
ter cooking does.