Ceredo advance. [volume], November 03, 1909, Image 7

About Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939

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Mrs. Ilenpeck—Did you ever hear of
anything worse than a man who
who smokes in the house?
Mr. Henpeck—Yes. A smoking lamp.
* Ask me another!
Laundry work at home would be
much more satisfactory if the right
Starch were used. In order to get the
desired stiffness, it is usually neces
sary to use so much starch that the
beauty and fineness of the fabric is
hidden behind a paste of varying
thickness, which not only destroys the
appearance, but also affects the wear
ing quality of the goods. This trou
ble can be entirely overcome by using
Defiance Starch, as it can be applied
much more thinly because of'its great
er strength than other makes.
Poverty and Consumption.
That poverty is a friend to consump
tion is demonstrated by some recent
German statistics, which show that of
10,000 well-to-do persons 40 annually
die of consumption; of the same num
ber only moderately well-to-do, 66; of
the same number of really poor, 77;
and of paupers. 97. According to John
Burns, the famous English labor lead
er, 90 per cent, of the consumptives in
London receive charitable relief in
their homes.
Proper Love for Wife.
“When a man really loves his wife
he ought to combine all his nicest
sentiments toward other women into
one big sentiment for her.
“He should show her the respect he
feels toward his mother, the polite
ness he shows other women and the
responsibility he feels toward his sis
ter.
"To all of that he should add the
great love he should feel for a wife.”
Against Pretenses.
Away with all those vain pretenses
of making ourselves happy within our
selves, of feasting on our own
thoughts, of being satisfied with the
consciousness of well-doing, and of de
spising all assistance and all supplies
from external objects. This is the
voice of pride, not of nature.—Hume
When Coloring Rags for Carpets
or rugs, always use Dyola Dyes be
cause the one package will color any
material. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Dncetrjc Rr,^-y«fU will never go
the old fashioned dyes. 10c
per package at your dealer’s. Write
Dyola. Burlington. Vt., for free book of
directions and color card.
Appropriate.
First Milliner—You have designed
the north pole hat?
Second Milliner—Yes. it will be s
matter of dispute between the pur
chaser and her husband.v
Farmer’s Summer Trials.
"What do you find the hardest worl
connected with farming?”
‘‘Collecting a board bill from yoi
city chaps when it’s due!”
A Rare Good Thing.
"Am using Allen’s Foot-Ease, and car
truly nay I would not have been without
It so long, had I known the relief It would
give my aching feet. I think It a rare good
thing for anyone having sore or tired feet
—Mm. Matilda Ifoltwert, Providence R
I.’ Sold by all Druggists, 25c. Ask to-day,
Drug Store Color.
Geraldine—My face is my fortune.
Gerald—I can see the color of youi
money.
Instant Relief for All Eyes,
that are irritated from dust, heat, nun o
wind, PL I TIT S EYE SALVE. 25c. A1
druggists or Howard Pros., Puffalo, N Y
If a man's wife cuts his hair he if
entitled to a lot more sympathy that
he gets.
Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup.
For children toothing, softm* the jrum», «*<liirr* ft»
e»mnj»Uou,*lli.j»j>Rln,curc* «rtu<lcolic. 2.'<caljotUa
Smith—So the will was read?
Jones—Yes; but the air was blue.
RUBBER STAMPS
want«*«l. W. R. WERIIR A CO . J2« Mam ||„ CliWisiMtl. 0
Thompson’s £ye Water
({ Children Like 1
Piso’s
> CURE ^
TO UST UIK1H TO*
Ir i$ so pleasant to take—stops the
cough so quickly. Absolutely safe
too and contains no opiates.
AB Drufguta, 25 cents.
The Overdoing of
Towser II
By EDWIN L. SABIN
(Copyright, by J. B. LJppincott Co.)
This is a true story, because the re
mains of the hen are still in circu
lation.
W hen the golf epidemic captured
Wheatley the victims scoured the
country far and wide to find groun-h
suitable for links. HI Hacocks pas
ture was selected as being the best
site, and negotiations were entered
Into with Mr. Hacock with a view to
leasing and eventually purchasing the
land.
Hi was wary. For some time he
held off. He could not understand
why a crowd of town people wanted to
acquire so much ground "Jes* to play
shinney on.’* To the most casual read
er it must be evident that Hi never
had indulged in golf.
Finally, after he had been talked to
by the mayor, both bankers, and the
school superintendent, and other lead
ing citizens, all golflacs, he consented
and gave the lease desired.
Immediately the old pasture became
a famous resort. The Wheatley Golf
club, its friends and friends’ friends,
flocked there. Business in the town
of Wheatley was paralyzed. No one
had any time for business. Out of
this fervor arose a unique incident
which I believe is unprecedented in
the annals of golf. Especially is it
unique, because it is true; I can prove
it. In fact, I will prove it at the con
clusion of this narrative. But now I
will let Hi take up the thread. He
says:
’’Couldn’t see as they’d hurt the land
any, tho’ they plowed it an’ cut it
considerable hittin’ it with their sticks,
an’ as they paid my price I rented it
to ’em. Then they come out, mornin’,
noon an’ night, men an’ women, with
red shirts an’ knee pants tucked into
their socks an’ short dresses, an’ every
dura one had about a dozen of them
there goff Btioks. My boys an’ Peters
boys, they made as high ns a dollar a
day totin’ sticks for parties playin’,
an’ I tol’ era’ to go ahead, an’ I hired
han’s to do their chores.
"When the players weren't playin',
they an their help—‘caddies.’ that’s
what they call ’em. isn’t it?—were
lookin’ for lost balls. The way balls
were lost was a caution—part of the
game, I reckon. I dunno who beat
Anyway, these women—you never
could tell where their balls was
goin ’to land—they’d swat at the ball,
an’ b’gosh, 'twas as likely to go be
hind ’em as in front. Some of the men,
especially them little dudes with
stuffed calves, was as bad. Quite
often the big fellers would knock o
ball clean out of sight—that is. out
of sight of where anybody w’as ex
pectin’ ’twould light.
I begun to think I’d better go over
that pasture with a hoss-rake an’ gath
er in a few hundred balls Jes’ for luck,
when Towser II. come to the front!
You must have heard of Towser II.
Pshaw, now*! Why, Towser II. was tho
famousest settin’ hen in the hull coun
ty. Set? She was a setter from
Settersville. Named her Towser after
a setter dog we used to own. Both
setters—but she was the setteregt.
"One day wo missed old Towser,
\ an’ I says to ma, says I: 'Towser’s
a-settin’ ag’ln. Johnny’ll have to go
out in the mornin’ an’ hunt her up.’
So^ in the mornin’ Johnny struck out,
an’ he follcred the gully down through
the pasture, while I s’arched the barn.
But where do you reckon we found
Towser? In the dried-up swamp,
b’g°ah. a-settin’ to beat creation, with
14 goff balls under her. Fourteen, by
, gum!
v\a-ai, old lady,’ I thought, ‘we
don’t want on ingy-rubbcr chickens, so
I’ll jea’ relieve you of these here
£RR8. W 1th her a-cluckin’ an’ a-sput
terin at me I put the balls in my hat
an' started ofT.
‘‘Nex’ time we found her she was in a
corner under the rail fence, settin’ on
1" RofT balls. She’d c’lected ’em in
, less’n an hour, I swun, an’ was pleased
as a peacock. I begun to see I’d
struck a real bonanzlo. I dumped this
second lot ’long with the firs’, in a
barrel. In about an hour more we
rounded up Towser In the swamp ag in
on top of 15 balls. All day we Jea’ let
her have full swing, an’ at night
durned If I didn’t have a barrel plum
heaped with goff balls. Dunno how
many dozen, but anyway, old Towser
had done herself proud.
"With goff balls wuth 40 cent*
apiece, new, as somebody top me, I
reckoned this was a purty fair day’s
work. I counted on turnin’ Towser
loose every day, ’s long as she liked
It, an’ she’d more’n earn our keep,
easy. Of course she couldn’t do as
well as this every stretch, for balls
wouldn’t get sech head-start ag in, but
! ’ I flggered on two dozen a day.
j “ 'Twould have panned out all right
, if the blamed fool hadn’t hid herself
so we couldn’t fin’ her for three days.
Somehow she carried a lot of them
! balls off a mile—one at a time, I
I calc’late—Into the timber 'long the
creek, an’ made a nest in a holler
stump. Sot there till we come across
| her by accident, an’ she’d sot so stlddy
I fearin’ we d interrupt ag'ln, that she’d
I melted the balls, b’ gosh, an’ the Ingy
I rubber was all roun’ her legs an’ on
her stomtek. an’ she was about all
I rubber, so we couldn’t get her apart.
| She died from It.”
"And you sold her to Mrs. Robin
son’s boarding house,” I added.
"Durned If < didn’t! How do you
I know?” exclaimed III, astonished.
"We had her for dinner,” { repliod
"And, HI, they hadn't boon able to
got the rubber off yeti” /
HI laughod
A SUCCESSFUL PROTEST,
▲ Glamorgan papa was about to
apply the strap.
’■Feather," said Willie, who had Just
completed his second term at the
Grammar school, “unless that Instru
ment has been properly sterilized I da
sire to protest.”
This made the old man pause.
•Moreover.” continued Willie, "the
germs that might be released by the
violent impact of leather upon a por
ous textile fabric but lately exposed to
the dust of the streets would be apt to
affect you deleteriously.”
As the strap fell from a nerveless
hand. Y\ lllie sloped to Imbibe more
science.
UNPLEASANT ASSOCIATIONS.
Tinkle—This is a beautiful coun
try we are passing through.
Winkle—Not for me. I got stuck
In a horse trade here once.
Straight Goods.
Z«*ppr1tn Is n sharpshooter
Of the air; why he
Drove his machine eight hundred miles
And hit a tree.
Too Much for Them.
"So you rode that toothpick sales
man out of town on a rail?” inter
rogated tho tourist in the mining
town.
"Hy George, yes!” thundered the
mayor in the cowhide boots and red
shirt. "When he tried to sell us tooth
picks with our names on them he al
most started a fight, but when he
asked us if wo wanted them flavored
with old rose or tutti-frutti, that was
more than we could Btand, so the
boys Just pitched Into him. The old
bowie-knife is the only kind of tooth
pick we need in these diggings."
A Slight Jolt.
DIrrs (reading)—Here's an account
In this paper of a man who paid $10.
000 for a dog. Now, what do you think
of that?
Mrs. Diggs—Oh, that's all right, I
suppose.
Diggs—But you don't seem to
realize the magnitude of the sum. my
dear. Just think—$10,000 for a pet
Why. that Is more than I am worth!
Mrs. Diggs—Yes, but, of course,
some pets are worth more than oth
ers.
A Return Short.
"It you want to be tip to date, Mrs.
Hasher, you'll have to get a side
board." remarked young Slopay.
"And if you don’t come up to date
with your payments soon, Mr. Slopay,"
rejoined the landlady, “you'll have to
got outside board.”
--___
THEY MERELY TALK.
' « vj*
Chawlea—During your long night
watches before the mast don't the
waves seem to talk to you?
Old Salt—Yep. Hut they don’t ax
foolish questions.
HI* Experience.
Peekem. who had loved and won.
Once let this sentence fall:
" 'TIs better to have loved and lost.
Than never to have lost at all.”
Rubbing It In.
flapletgh—Yaas. sevewal yeara ago
I fell In love with a girl, but she we
Jected me, doneher know—made a
wegular fool of me.
Miss Knox—Now, that what I call
a measly shame I’ve often wondered
, how It happened.
An Ordeal.
"Father," said little Kollo, "what I*
an expert witness?”
"In many cases, my son, an expert
witness Is a man who I* willing, for a
consideration, to go on the stand and
let the lawyer* give him the third de
gree.”
The Tight Wad.
Mrs. Styles—See one of the w
Lincoln pennies yet?
Mr». Myles—No; my husband hasn’t
fiver, me any spending money for a
w«f k, now.- Yonkers Statesman.
/
VACATION DONK.
Horn* they're comlnir. thick and (ut,
' acatton time la over;
P'un and frolic now la past,
' acatlon time la over;
Good-by *tla to aumtner play,
T° f»y night and laay day;
Now the piper la to pay.
Vacation time la over.
Mill and factory, office, atore.
Vacation time la over,
Show, aa In the workera pour.
\ acatlon time la over; •
kthoolroom doora are open, too,
8^ hool auppllea are right on view,
Kchoolboja. time of etudy rue.
Vacation time la over.
Over all the big broad land.
Vacation time la over,
la the great home-coming band.
Vacation time la over;
Aa all bid their play good-by,
M»ea to the auCumn aky
One stupendous, nng-drtwn algh.
Vacation time \ overt
Bright Bey.
The pretty Sunday school teacher
had been telling the clast about the
great Sahara desert.
"And, boys." she said In conclusion,
“the camel can go eight days without
water."
"That's nothing," spoke up Jimmy
on the end seat. "I know tome
horses that go all the summer with
out water and carry people on their
backs every day.”
"Gracious, Jimmy! You mustn’t •*
aggerate in Sunday school."
"I’m not exaggerating. ma’am.
They are the dying horses on thr>
summer park merry-go-round."
Singing Lessons.
Mrs. nilkina—Do you think It Is
worth while for my daughter to go on
taking Ringing lessons? She has bsen
at It for five years and cannot sing
yet.
Prof, von Note—Dlt you expect her
to learn to zing? Sho will neffer zing
In zee vide vorld.
"Then, why didn’t you say so long
ago?
”1 thought you merely wnntcd to
strengthen her lungs.”—Weekly Tele
graph.
Nervy Bird.
"Mamma," said the exasperated
young lady, "1 wish you wouldn't hang
that old parrot out on the front porch
these evenings.”
"Why not. iny dear?” asked her
mother in surprise.
"Why, I think before you bought
him he must have belonged to a
street-car conductor. Every two or
threo minutes when Edwin calls he
chirps out: ’Sit closer, please.’ It La
too embarrassing for anything."
A BORN DIPLOMAT.
W’aggles—Please, ma’am, would
yotiRO inlnd givln' me a few pennies
t’ git somethin’ to eat?
Mrs. Wrlnk—No, I won’t. You are
♦he ugliest specimen of humanity I
ever saw.
Waggles—I ain’t flo orful homely,
ma'am. It’s only In do presence uv
such uncommon beauty dat I main
Bich a bad show.
Out of Fashion.
Boys of to-day are lucky boys.
I want to say to you;
Dad* don’t sp#-ak with a bootjack now
The way dads used to do.
The Same Kid.
“Oh!” said one little boy to anoth
er, ‘‘we have had such a bad time at
home. Our new little kid went up to
beavpn.”
“We had a worse time,” replied the
other; “we got one down from heav
en. It did make a bother.”
"What a nuisance!" said the first.
"It must be the same little kid going
•bout.”
Professions! Influence.
**N>II says she never knows how her
fiance will be from one day to anoth
er. Sometimes ho Is very warm In
pressing his suit, and then he Is quite
cold.”
"Tell Nell not to worry. You know,
be Is a weather expert.”
The Maid—I suppose you carefully
weigh your words when writing a
poem ?
The Poet—Oh. no. The clerk at the
stamp window does that after It Is
written.
"My dear woman, is your husband
an altruist?"
"l+w, no, mum. He and bis folks
has always been homeopaths."
Wasn’t Necessary.
A Fixed Belief.
HAD ONE GOOD POINT
Young Guest—It seems to me that
you don't object to the mosquitoes
singing in your room.
Old Quest—You bet I don’t. Why,
when the mosquitoes are singing I
can't hear the glee club practicing on
the piazza.
TOTAL LOSS OF HAIR.
ftaemed Imminent—Scalp Was Very
8caly and Hair Came Out by Hand,
fuia—Scalp Now Clear and
New Hair Grown by Cuticura.
"About two years ago I was troubled
with my head being scaly. Shortly
after that I had an attack of typhoid
fever and I was out of tho hospital
possibly two months when I first no
ticed tho loss of hulr, my scalp being
still scaly. I started to use dandruff
cures to no effect whatever. I had
actually lost hope of saving any hair
at all. I could brush It off my coat
by tho handful. I was afraid to comb
It. Ilut after using two cakes of Cutl
cura Soap and nearly a box of Cutf
cura Ointment, tho chango was sur
prising My scalp Is now clear and
healthy ns could bo nnd my hair thick
er than ever, whereus I had my mind
mado up to bo bald. W. P. Steoso, C»812
Broad St., Pittsburg, Penn., May 7 and
21, 1908."
Fottor Dm# a Cham. Corp., Hoi* Prop*., BoSqs
Definite Location.
Every visitor nt the new eapitol at
Harrisburg. Pa., who gets as far as
the registration room, is expected to
write ills name in a big book, together
with his birthplace and present resi
dence. says tho Troy Times. Not
long ago. when a crowd of excursion
ists visited the grounds nml buildings,
a stout girl started to register.
Sho paused, pen poised in air, nnd
called out to an elderly lady, com
fortably seated In a big chair, "Mon,
vere vns I horned at?”
"Vat you vnnt to know dnt for?”
"HIh man vents to put it in dor big
book.”
"Ach," answered tho mother, "you
Know veil enough—in der old stone
house."
How’s This?
TTc offer One Hundred Dollar* Reward for any
f**' Catarrh that cannot be cured by llall’a
C atarrh Cure.
_ F. J. CIIF.XKY A CO.. Toledo, O.
vte. the underpinned. have known K. J. Cheney
for the hint 15 yenra, ami (relievo him perfectly hon
orable In nil hualncaa trananrtlona amt nnanrially
able to carry out any ohllyntlnna made by hla firm.
Wai.i>ino. Kinnan A Maiivis.
_ ... . _ Wholeaale Druiutlata. Toledo, O.
Hall ■ Cntnrrh Cure in taken Internally, acting
ofrri'tly upon the blood nnd mucoun mirfnrea of tba
■yateni. Teatlmonlnln aent free. Price 75 cent* par
bottle. Sold by allDrugidkta.
Take liana I amlly Pina for conatlpatkm.
Unpleasant Encounters.
“Does HUggins meet his obliga
tions?"
"Frequently," answered Miss Cay
enne. "Hut he invariably snubs
them.
Answer Wouldn’t Do.
"How fnr Is It to Blgtown?"
“Well, ns the crow files—”
‘Trn not going by air ship."
Ktrgs. more eyira, T get twleo ns many
*KK* miinrni r and winter, slnro l dlaoov
ererl my sure KuccesBfiil method how to
make hens lay more r«gs. M'h free If you
write, Mrs. L,. Alley, New Madrid, Mo.
Young man, beware of the peach
who is the apple of your eye. She may
prove to be a lemon.
True Representative of Race.
Dr. Bet hu_ann-l loll weg may clila
this distinction, that be Is the first
Herman chancellor to wear a beard.
Bismarck hastened to shave his off
when he entered upon diplomacy, and
showed hia rivals and enemies a
massive Jaw and clear-cut chin; and
he shaved to the end, with an Inter
val enforced by neuralgia in the early
'80s. As a soldier, too Caprtvi shaved,
all but hip mustache, and so did
Hohenlohe and Bulow. But Beth
mann-Hollweg Is gaunt, rugged, hir
sute, pan-Germanic.
A Steady Thing.
Something had gone amiss with
Bobbie and he had sought the comfort
of tears. Noticing his wet cheeks, hia
mother said in a consolatory tone:
“Come here, dear, and let me wipe
your eyes."
"Taln’t no use. muvver," returned
I Bobble with a little choke; ‘Ts doin'
to cry again in a minute!"—Woman’s
Home Companion.
Never take a mean advantage of
anyone in any transaction, and never
be hard upon people who are in your
power.—Dickens.
Qu*k
et
Oaf$
Perfe<
hu
Is the
"y ba/.
man
at*ced
food
Cfc,
*>* for
,0|,r U>ii .
,h# **11, «u#
ronanra
„ HAIR BALSAM
CImtiki aw) beautJflag th« S«l»
IVonirHM • fciiurianl fmwih.
Tails to n«ator* Gray
ilalr to Its Youthful Color?
Cuim tcalp a half falUofc
RUBBER STAMPS K&SSKWSia
Mn« Ntnmp ntnl ntenrll h<*mIh We are uo farther
from your home or of
flee than the oenreat (fnt
phone or U.H.rnall bo*.
CIGAR SALESMAN BJHifysrSgjjK
enre tinneeeNnnrr; N1I0 per month nn<t ripensea
Write for piirtlnnlam. Hfilr* Manairrr. In rare of
MONA IM II CIO A K CO., HI. I«ali, Mo.
W. N. U., CINCINNATI, NO. 42-1909.
RECEIVED
Food
Products
RECEIVED THE ONLY
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< HIGHEST AWARDS)
At the Alaska-Yukon-Pacific Exposition
AGAINST ALL COMPETITORS ON
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HAM LOAF VIENNA SAUSAGE
WHERE QUALITY COUNTS WE LEA
Your Grocer Has Them—Insist on Getting Libby's
LIBBY, MoNEILL & LIBBY
SHINGLES
TETTER
BURNS
ECZEMA
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CHAFING
RESINOL
RING WORM
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ITCHING
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ABRASIONS
a soothing, healing ointment for all eruptions and irritations of the
skin and a certain cure for Itching piles. 50 cents a Jar, aU
druggists, or sent direct on receipt of price.
RESINOL CHEMICAL COMPANY, BALTIMORE. MD.
itESINOL is the best application I have ever seen for barns.”
H. B. Withers, Mineral Wells, Testa.
Uah^sWizard Oil
ll_* pnawjii.uj i.'iuTim PA I N
*
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