Ceredo advance. [volume], July 20, 1910, Image 8

About Ceredo advance. [volume] (Ceredo, W. Va.) 1885-1939

Image provided by: West Virginia University

                
Good Jokes
REAL DANGEROUS.
The stronger Id the public play
grounds noticed that the little boys
Xere giving the little girls a wide
berth on this particular morning.
"That’s queer,” he mused. “Say,
sonny, I thought you little boys and
girls played together?” “We do some
times,” enlightened the youngster on
the sandplle, "but not today.” "And
why not?” “ ’Cause It Is ns much as
we can do to keep out of their way.
They are playing suffragettes and ma
king believe we arc policemen.”
Given by Mistake.
Disgusted Customer (who has
brought back a watch ho purchased
from jeweler)—It was a disgrace tot
you to sell mo a watch like that. It’s
Absolutely impossible to make it go
Iasi enough.
Jeweler (after examining the time
piece)—I most humbly beg youf f>&r
don, sir; you surely have good reason
for being dissatisfied. I don’t know
bow the mistake happened, but I find
that I sold you a plumber's watch.
Under the Spell.
"About this time last night," said
young Harlow, ns he lighted a fresh
cigarette, "I was sitting on a sofa be
side a girl, telling her that she was
the only one in all tlio world I had
ever loved.”
"And she believed It?” queried Dil
lon.
"Of course she did,” answered Har
low. "Why, I believed it myself at
the time."
Not Sympathetic.
When I hnd told Mittens about the
unhappy existence of his old friend,
Mary Uotuseer. he gave not the slight
est indication ef symathy, but
snapped:
"It serves her right—it’s the girl's
own fault!”
"Why is it her fault?” I questioned.
“It’s her fault,” he explained, ‘‘be
cause she refused to grasp the oppor
tunity I once gave her for marrying
nuc”
Too Late.
Dobson—Were there no restaurants
In Newville?
Dinwiddle—There were 10.
Dobson—Then why did you have so
much trouble getting a meal?
Dinwiddie—I arrived too late.
Dobson—But you told me you ar
rived at 10 in the morning.
Dinwiddle—So I did; but that was
too late; the sheriff had arrived the
day before.
USED THE PADDLE ON HIM.
Will—Say, Jack, your father de
lights In telling people that he pad
died his own canoe.
Jack—Yes; and I've often thought
when I was a boy that he imagined I
was one.
A Big One.
I'd Jove to make a fortune,
A pile big aa the dickens;
One big aa Journals toll you
You can make raising chickens.
Another Knock.
The manager came out before the
footlights with all his nerve nnd
egotism, "And our leading lady," he
announced in a loud voice, "Is a dyed
in the-wool actress." The old country
man in the first row had noticed the
peroxide curls of the star. "H'm?" he
remarked In a stage whisper. “Sort
of a dyed-in the hair actress, too, eb,
Mr. Manager?”
A Probable 8hort Term.
Mrs. Samuels—And stub a man!
But, of course, Mary married him for
his money?
Mrs. Heardum—Yes, and also be
cause no company would run the risk
of insuring his life.
Realism on the Stage,
Why don t the theatrical managers
want husband and wife lu the same
company?"
"They think the public wouldn't
tfcre to see a man making love to
bis wife."
"Looks too much like acting eh?”
On Funds.
"Did Billy call up his girl on th«
long distance?"
"No.”
"Why not?”
"He was too short.”
Expecting Too Much.
"Has your wife got a cook?” "How
<lo I krtowT’ "It aoema to me that
you aUouid know If anyone should."
"But \ haven't oeen home since Duoa.”
y
THE COMING RACE.'
Tell me. mother. !■ It really
True, as Jokers love to state.
That when you were young as I am
You had moat to masticate?
People tell such funny stories.
Things that cannot be, you know.
So I thought I’d ask you. mother.
If this fairy tale were so.
Tell me, mother, are they Joking
When these foolish people say
You hnd butter on Oie table.
Sometimes even tWire a day?
Eggs. I know, were once quite common,
This I learn from books I read.
But that you ate meat and butter
Seems Incredible, Indeed.
—William W'alluce Whitclock, In New
York Sun.
HOW HE UNp^RSTOOD |T.
Dr. Qulnl—Did tho colored doctor
treat you very long?
Ephraim—No, sah, he nebbnh dona
say treat once while he were coinin'
heah.
Oh, Joy!
Lift up, ye bardletii,
A Jubilant strain;
Peek-a-boo trolleys
Are with us again!
Brief and Expressive.
"Our chief Is witty,” said the de
tective with the telegram.
"In what way?” asked the friend.
"Why, tho criminal we were after
was named Rich. The chief tel»
graped three words that told all.”
"What were they?”
"Get Rich quick.”
A Bad Move.
First Legislator—I took my wife
with me to Annapolis yesterday to
protect me from the feminine Inva
sion.
Second Ditto—That was a wise
move. 1 wish 1 had thought of It.
First L.—Be glad you didn't. She
was converted, and is now worse after
me than they were.
Toned Down.
“To hoar hlin talk, you'd think he
ownod the earth.”
“You mean when his wife isn't
around.”
“Yes.”
"When his w,fe Is close by, to hear
him talk you'd think he owned about
as much earth as the average angle
worm.”
How It Was.
“I certainly admire that man.”
“What In the world for?”
"His will power.”
“He has no will power nt all."
“Why, he told me that he just made
up his mind to quit smoking and he
quit.”
He s lying; his wife made up her
mind and he quit.”
All Figured Out.
"\V hy do you refuse to carry an um
brella?”
“Well, in a heavy storm you get wet
anyhow, don’t you?"
“I suppose so."
“And In a mild rain you don't need
one. Besides, somebody would steal
it"
KEPT TABS ON ’EM.
Tom Skinner always employs two
lawyers.
Jack—What for?
Tom—He gets business advice from
one and then consults the other about
how much be ought to pay of the first
one's bill.
The Easy-Going.
Some people tight from day to day.
With valor and persistence.
While t.:her» choose, along life’s way,
The line of least resistance.
Literally to.
"Jinks tells me he Is living h gb"
"So he Is. In aaMtUa xoonr, I be
lieve." f
> (
KM]
AND
MAM
INDUSTRIAL NOTES.
A school devoted exclusively to the
study of motor boats has been started
at New York.
The safest way to destroy black
gunpowder Is to throw It Into water,
thereby dissolving the saltpeter.
A new boat, claimed by the Inventor
to be unsinkable. Is made by covering
a perforated steel shell with grauu
lated cork.
A species of stiff grass, which
grows abundantly In India, Is used for
sticks In the manufacture of matches
in that country.
The exportation af aluminum of do
mestic production from the United
States has increased tenfold In the
last seven yen is.
The use of wall paper containing de
signs fri vertical lines will make a
room in which it Is used look both
larger and higher.
A patent has been granted for an at
tachment to rocking chairs to operate
a fan to cool the occupants while
swaying to and fro.
An Indiana farmer has patented a
potato digger which loads the tubers
into the wagon to which it is attached
by an endless chain.
For Invalids' use a bedstead has
been invented In which the center of
the head is made to swing out to form
a head and shoulder rest.
A Chinese has Invented a simple
machine with which a person can
mako straw braid of fine quality 12
times as rapidly as by hand.
Within the last two centuries about
fifty metals have been discovered by
chemist explorers, but use has been
found for only a few of them.
As flax pulled from the ground
yields a longer fiber than that reaped
in the usual way, a Canadian clergy
man has invented a pulling attach
j ment for binders.
The largest wooden structure In the
world is the Parliament building in
Wellington, New Zealand, timber be
ing preferred to stone because of the
frequency of slight earthquakes.
A Frenchman has Invented a proc
ess for distilling gutta percha from
the leaves of the Malay tree of that
name, saving the trees from the dam
ugo caused by tapping the trunks for
' the sap.
A catch that will permit u window'
to be locked open to any desired ex
tent, yet which contains a fusible link
connected with a weight to close the
window' in the event of excessive heat,
is a recent invention.
A Californian has been granted a
| patent upon tongs for use In connec
: tion with a derrick In lifting heavy ob
I jects. the points of which carry
i wheels, locked automatically with
! ratchets when a load is raised.
READING LAMP IS IMPROVED
So Constructed That It Will Burn Gas
oline, Kerosene or Alcohol With
Equal Brilliancy.
What appears to be an improvement
i on the ordinary reading lamp has been
! designed by a Kansas man. It is so
constructed that it will burn gasoline.
| kerosene, or alcohol with equal bril
| liancy, it is claimed, the only change
i required being a different nozzle for
: eat>h fuel. The wick can be turned up
and down, but there is no danger of
turning it too high or too low, and its
thief feature is that the inventor
claims an explosion to be impossible.
Any brilliancy up to 300 candlepower
can be obtained with this lamp, but
the light is shaded so that no direct
rays enter the eyes. The lamp Is said
to cost less to operate than a common
Chimn»yles* L»mp.
oil burner, yet to give about 20 times
| the amount of light. Th«re In no chlra
j ey to break and no wick to trim and
I the design la such that It ran be
I quickly and easily cleaned. All amoke,
dirt or disagreeable odors are aald to
be eliminated, and an the center of
I gravity in below the handle the lamp
l» dlWcult to upset.
An Isle of Sulphur.
One of the most extraordinary
Island" In the world In located in Ihe
Hay of Plenty, New Zenland. The
small bit of land In called White Inland,
j und consists mainly of sulphur, Idle lat
ter mixed with gypsum and other min
erals. The Island Is about three miles
I in circumference and rlnes about fine
thousand feot above the sea. The «ul
phtif from White Inland is very pi\re ^
and efforts have been mude to obtain
I It for commercial use.
'*j
.. i
AUTO WRENCH VERY USEFUL
Handle Co Shaped That It Is Especial*
ly Serviceable in Removing
Tlres.-^rom Wheel.
An automobile wrench of manlfoM
uses has beau designed by a New York
man. it can be used either on nuts
or pipes and the handle Is bo shaped
that It is especially serviceable In re*
moving tires from the wheel rims or
for providing good leverage in the in*
numerable things to be done around
motor cars. In appearance the article
resembles an ordinary monkey wrench
and with the attachment off It Is noth
ing more than that. The attachment,
Useful Auto Wrench.
however, consists of a sloping jaw
pivoted to a loop which passes over
the head of the wrench and holds tho
Jaw firmly in place, thus transforming
tho utenBlis into a tool by which a
good grip may be obtained on a pipe
or nny other round object. The jaw
attachment can be quickly adjusted or
removed and the spring loop holds it
as tight as if it was fixedly jointed to
the tool. These wrenches are attrac
tively made in nickled or mottled ftn*
lsh and come in individual cartons.
FOUNTAIN BRUSH IS LATEST
Works on Same Principle as Pea—
Handle Acts as Reservoir for
Ink or Paint.
Everybody has heard of the fountain
pen and knows the principle on which
it works, but it has remained for a
Michigan man to invent a fountain
brush. The brush works on the same
principle as the pen. A hollow’ handle
acts as a reservoir for the marking
fluid—paint, ink or whatever it may be.
At the lower end of this handle is a
■— ■ ■ _J
Fountain Brush.
cylindrical opening into which th<
brush Is inserted, the upper end of the
brush closing the inside end of this
chamber and the liquid flowing down
through a spring operated valve and
filling the lower part of the chamber,
which tapers to an opening just large
enough for the tip of the brush to pass
through. A colled tube admits air to
this chamber.
FIBER-MADE PACKING BOXES
Scarcity of Wood Creates Demand for
Substitute In Manufacture of
Receptacles.
As wood grows scarcer and higher
In price the demnnd for a substitute
In the manufacture of packing boxen
grows more and more Insistent. In
this connection there has been recent
ly brought out a partially made box
of filler with some interesting fea
tures. As they are shipped to the
consumer the boxes are folded flat,
cut In such shape as to render them
easily set up. The two ends of the
fiber are securely riveted together
and the fiber Is creased to permit fold
ing Into box shape. The cases are se
cured In shape with gummed strips,
the strips being furnished with the
cases, cut to the required slxe. The
point Is made that the gummed strips
securely seal the case so that there Is
no chance for “concealed losses." It
Is possible for wooden shipping cases
to be pried open in transit, some of
the contents taken out and then nailed
up again so that they are apparently
In good condition at transfer points
or when reaching destination. This
cannot be done with the fiber case.
A saving Is claimed for them In first
cost, shipping weight, storage space
and efficiency.
Canadian Fur*.
For a number of year* Canada haa
been exporting to the United State*
about 11,600,000 worth of fura annual
ly, about one-half the Dominion'* oufr
put.
A ten-year old clove tree will pro
duce about twenty pound* of ciovaa $
year.
nsns
ALCOHOL-3 PER CENT
Avfegetable Preparation Tor As
similating the Food and Regula
ting the Stomachs and Bowels of
iN'KW'I S ( HILURLN
Promotes Diceslion.Cheerful
ness and Rest.Contains neither
Opium.Morphine nor Mineral
Not Narc otic
P"'P* c/ou DrSAMUEifrrurm
Aim •
Jtx Srnnm •'
PvthtUt Smttt 0
Ami
<w*m u Snu% #
C(»rSini Safa*
t Wmktyrttn Ft<r\or
]
A perfect Remedy for Constipa
tion . Sour Stomach,Diarrhoea
Worms .Convulsions .Fever i sh
ness and LOSS OF SLEEP.
Tac Simile ^Signature
Tke Centaur Company,-^
NEW YORK*.
Atb months old
35 DoSIS-JjCEhTS
•uuaranteed under the Fooda^
Exact Copy of Wrapper.
CASTORU
For Infants and Children,,
The.Kind You Have
Always
Bears the
Signature
In
Use
For Over
Thirty Years
CASTORU
Surprise for the Deity.
"Papa," said a little girl, rushing
into the room with the air of one bring
ing valuable information, ‘‘did you
know that the Brown’s little baby wras
dead?”
‘‘Yes, dear, I heard of It. Aren’t you
sorry?”
"Yes, but, papa, It was only three
days old.”
“I know’, love.”
“And don’t you think God will be
surprised to see it come back so
soon?”
A Trained Nurse’s Experiences with
Resinol Ointment.
I applied Resinol to an ulcerated leg
of six months’ standing. Almost every
thing had been tried to heal it. Made
two applications a day for four weeks
and leg was permanently healed.
I have used Resinol on children’s
faces to heal eruptions and for every
thing that seemed to need an ointment
with satisfactory results in every case.
Mrs. Isadore E. Cameron,
Augusta, Me. (Graduated Nurse.)
He Gets "Commercial Extra."
"Don't you touch that sprig of cel
ery!” commanded Mrs. Heckpen.
"Why not?” asked Mr. Heckpen.
“Ain't it good?”
“Good? Certainly it’s good—it’s the
best there is. I’m keeping that for the
canary."
Red, R enk. W«arr. Watery Eyes.
Relieved By Murine Eye Remedy. Try
Murine l-or Your Eye Troubles. You Will
Like Murine. It Soothes. 60c at Your
Druggists. Write For Eye Books. Free
Murine Eye Remedy Co.. Chicago
The aveiagc man can’t understand
why he has enemies.
Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrnp.
Rorrhlldren teething, softens the gums, reducesln
HanmiaUoa,all»y spain, cures wind colic. KcalwUia
Some animals multiply rapidly and
some snakes aro adders.
A girl Isn’t necessarily an angel be
cause she’s fly. >
Don’t Persecute
your Bowels
CttfO—e»d»rtig —d MgSha, TWanbatf)
harsh—imneoMtry. Try
CARTER'S LITTLE^
LIVER PILLS
Punlr vceataMa. An
' I|U«
SET
Sick Hwfcth ui liflff Jw. U bAcm know.
Small PUL Small Dose. Small Prica i
GENUINE murt bear agnature :
WESTERN CANADA
What Governor Deneeit, of Illinois.
Says About It:
>r Deneon. of IlUnola, owns n eeo
“ land la Beakatcbewan.
rfiaana. IIh haa said in
1 an interrlewi
“Ai an Amor!run I am
delighted to aeo the ne
tnnrkable promaa of
Woatern Canada. Our
peoplo are flockingacroaa
the boundary In than
•snda, and I hatn not yot
juet one who admitted
ho had tnndo a mlatake.
They are all doing well.
There la acaroely a corn
monltr in the Middle or
Woatern Ut-»t«a that hoa
not a representative In Manitoba,
bnakatchewan or AJI<erta.'* ^
125 Million Bushels el
Wheat in 1909
C«n*4n field crop* for
‘9°» will Jggilyjrlold to tho Ian
•rS170,000,000.00 In rjieti,
*■ ro« 1 tomoatcnds of lSOnme,
aP‘l)?,^cm*,tlo,,o of IflOorroe
f* Va°° »*», nrre. Railway and
and ( ornpnnlna hare land for Hale
Land Comnnnina
at reaanuable prt
era hare pah) ft
lose. Mnnr farro
for their land out
esgeUent railway facilities, low
frelaht rate*. wooii,' water and
lumber easily obtained.
For pamphlet "Lent H> nt WeM.**
wMalflMaiMMiMa* Wuoa
particulars aa to suitable Wat
and Jow wttlniV rate, apply' to
E? .S'to1 S^^or^^Vt;
H. M. WILLIAMS
Law Building Toledo. Ohio
(Pea add re— use rest yoa.) flj
5 “Guar*^
- DODDS 1
KIDNEY
(I WILL MAKE YOU
PROSPEROUS
If Ton ara bor.at* and amMtlma write ma
todar. H® matter tabcra Too lira or what
I t£ut- '**- ’■ P*t- * m:.n *w.h Ftn **• **»1
-
-. tete budnui hr mat!; ahw-tat foo Bpaatai
ftapraaantetwa of wr Oonpaaf la roar town;
f --I --- — 1 ..It r IH T’ •»I H'WQ ,
riart >«■ la a ftrofltebte boalaaaa of roar owa.
■“# kalr ?®a maha hi* svoaar at oaoa.
Unoaual a*part
Capital t# teactn* Itinpawini far lira,
Vafuakta Saak and full Mrtloulara rRKK.
nr far man without
Indaaandant far Ufa
WfMa tadar
. OATIOHAl CO-OPfRATIVf MALTY 00
*.r.B**n*»
fnilfcil
55* Mmr4rm RatMla*
"aaMa«ton, D. C.
ABSOPBINE
!^fl Tendons, Horenesn
ARNORDINK, JK,, (mankind II »nd 13 Milo.)
rot RrnoTttls, Strain*, tiouty or Hhaumatic 1%
T**’* -Y.*r‘°*F Vflo«. V»f1«o<-«le. Hydrocal*
A'J*T* F*ln. Tour dcan tnpply and *>»<*
reference*. Will telle,,o mora I? t,,h write ^ood
for free book and tedbaonial*. Mfd. only by
w. r. tor*a, r. ». f„ j:a t.**!* n*., *rrt.*a,M. iM
FREE
|»*M«ATORfl IIA NT)-ROOK
Very raluabla work last publl«bo«l.
I« pa«e«. 60.008 w.,ra». Actual e«per
^aiBr£’in!S!s^.vv,,Ku'ii;K,rs:s:
W. N. U., CINCINNATI, NO. 27-1*10.
Work While
Millions of people have CAS^
CARETS do Health work for
them. If yoti have never tried
this great health maker—Get a 10a
box—and you will never use any
other bowel medicine. ns
CASCARRT8 ioc a box tor a week'*
YOU GAN STOP
YourHtisband,8on
or Friend from
DRINKING
Wrtt# m«, and I will tall you Ik* only provtii mMlK4
that will arlually ■lo|> a man from drlaklmnaHtoTW*
or without h a n.nw.i :
or without bla conaant, and wlthowt dMuyar'
firW * *
„ >1 mim. xikirn
F* IIIO. 1 hfrnirn, III-, 40 Dearl
»rjo of hla tlma. It will coat wothla* ta tww
I hara «1T«1 my artrlca to li.in.frarfa upon bun'r "la alk
naror board of « raaa whoro It fatlod. -
rortlNa ai.Bia, Mnr»r», III.,
•treat. Ahaoluta aaorary protnlaod.
DAISY FLY KILLER JTS.’KStt
MMntMIAMft
Uata
K>iii(ivulnm»
iplilwujnw, wMt
**>•"*. (IliniHM**
»*•«»*• f
•f m i fc» >•«,
RtWU) MIM
IM M«H> >«>.
fcwUlt. *•» lak
<£OA 19 WHAT WC CAN 8AVB
YOU ON ANY BUQQY
Top Bnggie*. Rnnattonttk
Carts and YVagon%
Whorda, Top Trimming*.
Writ# (or f Hoot
m. cun m> BUOB A SCHEU C*
400 Coart «f»4 Broa<fMt CIucIimmiU. QM«>
MORE :SSS EGGS
that toll* how*->#
to maho 100 h^iulay M) <-»»• a<t*r Mimmornr ntntrv,
I tend It on fro* trial and aoarantoo to mt>ka yrmr
h*»« lay befora fon i>a jr. Bra. «. inry, ■#» i
DEFIANCE STARCH
to the InBk