Newspaper Page Text
SJEEIMG LIFE with I
JOHN HENRY OeorcjeV Hobart | John Henry Gets a Present SAY! did you ever dream you were going to get a wonderful Christ mas gift from a rich relation and wake up in the Icehouse? Friend wife and 1 are not merce nary, but we d‘d have a hunch that T'ncle Peter would slip us an onyx clock with which we could hide the knotholes in our phoney mantelpiece, or an amethyst ash tray which we could use as a bathtub for the canary; bui nothing doing! It was a sad blow to us that Christ mas morning, because the old boy is upholstered with coin. He owns all the eagles on the gold pieces. He has pet names for them and keeps them cooped up like a flock of chickens. And all he sent us was a book worth sixty cents net, written by a pretzel pen pusher named Helfenhelfen. I wanted to throw it out the win dow nt a taxi driver engaged in exer cising his engine for the benefit of those in the neighborhood who were sleeping late on Christmas morning, but Peaches had her shoes and stock ings off and was wading through the first chapter. The book, she informed me, was a series of essays on reincarnation. Can you tie that for a Christmas present from a man to whom money comes crying like a child and begs to be put to sleep in his safety-deposit vaults? Reincarnation is a long, loose-look ing word, and to a perfect stranger it has a slightly suspicious sound, but its bark is worse than its bite. After reading about half a gallon of Helfenhelfen’s theories. Peaches be gan to bite her nails and make faces like a highbrow. "The idea of a person having been somebody else In a previous existence is interesting, isn’t it, John?’’ she gurgled. “I wonder who I was?” "You appeared first as the Queen of Sheba," I told her; "and after chasing King Solomon up a sycamore tree you disappeared for several centuries and then you slipped into history’s moving1 pictures as Cleopatra, and I’ve a dog gone good mind to divorce you for the way you carried on with Marc Antony.” ‘‘Oh. tush!” giggled Peaches. ‘‘Have some sense. Who do you think Hep Hardy was?” “Hep!" I said, “why Hep originally was a katydid or a tree toad, prob ably both. Later on he appeared as a dancing dervish and made weekly pil grimages to Mecca to fill himself and the goatskin with grape. Then he dropped out for several hundred years to get a new set of watertight com partments and finally reappeared as Joe Morgan in ‘Ten Nights in a Bar room’ and he’s been playing that ever since.” ‘‘I don't see why yon can’t take this seriously,” she pouted. “Herr Helfen helfen’8 book is very’ wonderful.” • ‘‘So is a Swiss cheese sandwich,” I ventured. ‘‘Did you ever stop to think how wonderful those holes are in a “Are You All fn7** David Inquired, After a Pause.” Swiss cheese? How did they get there? You don’t find them in & Cainembert, do you?” Peaches put up the storm signals and burned ine with a baleful glance. "It’s easy enough to make fnn of something you can't do yourself,” she snapped. Wo were on the verge of our first quarrel and all on account of an old German dope peddler, but It was up to me not to hoist the white flag If wo were to live happily ever after. "Why, little bright eyes." I said; "that's the easiest thing I do. Writ ing essays on reincarnation Is where T live. I can put old Oscar Sauer kraut to sleep because I have the punch in every paragraph. Where’s my fountain pen? I’ll show you!” "Indeed!” was all she ssld as she flounced out of the room. So It was up to me to make good as an essaviat I or forever lose the title of Captain. So I dashed off the following glob ules of thought, left them on the cen ter table where she’d be sure to ftnd Jbem. and moseyed Into the kitchen to i see what surprises iay hiding id the ice chest. First Essay. David kept his boot heel on the neck of the fallen Goliath and laughed pleasantly. “Are you all in?” David inquired, after a pause. “I refuse to speak until you take your spurs out of my face,” replied the giant. David at once showed his obliging nature. “We shall meet again.” Goliath re plied hoarsely. “Not if 1 see you first!" said David. "1 will take good care that you don’t.” chuckled the expiring giant. “How?" was David’s interrogation. "It will be in the far, far future,” said the giant. "You will then be one of the Common People walking in the streets.” "And you?” David asked. “1 will be a chauffeur on a smoke wagon, and what I will do to you will be a pitiful shame.” responded the giant. Then with a bitter Taugh the tri umphant Goliath turned over and pushed his mortal coil off the shuffle board. Second Essay. The ghost of Julius Caesar looked threateningly at Brutus, the Stnbbist. Brutus sneered. "You,” he said; “to the mines!” Not one of Caesar’s muscles quiv ered. Brutus used a short, sharp laugh. “You." he said; “on your way!" Caesur never batted un eyelash. Brutus pointed to the rear. "Go way back.” he said. “and use your laziness." Caesar pulled h!s toga up over his cold shoulder. Brutus laughed again, and it was the saucy, triumphant laugh of the man who dodges in front of a woman and grabs a seat on the elevated railroad. "The next time we meet you will not do mo as you did me at the base of Pompey’s statue," said the ghost of Caesar, speaking for the first time since we began this essay. “We will not meet again because I refuse to associate with you," said Brutus. Caesar smiled, but it was without mirth, and as cold as the notice of suspension on the door of a bank. “Yes. we will meet again," said Cae sar. “Where?" said Brutus. “In the far, far future," said the ghost of Caesar shriekingly. "You will be born into the world again by that time, and in your new personality you will bo one of the Common People, and you will burn gas.” “And you?" inquired Brutus. "I will be the spirit which puts the wheels in the gas meter, and may heaven have mercy on your pocket book!" shrieked the ghost of Caesar. Brutus took a fit, and used it for many minutes, hut the ghost kept on shrieking in the Latin tongue. Third Essay. Napoleon stood wpeping and walling and gnashing his eyebrows on the battlefield of Waterloo. He was waiting for the moving pic ture man to get his photograph. The victorious Wellington made his appearance, laughing loudly in his sleeve. "Hack. Nap! Rack to the Boule vard des Dago!” commanded Wel lington Napoleon put his chin on his wish bone and spoke no word. Von.'' said Wellington; "you to the Chamia Bllza! This Is mv victory, and you must leave the battlefield— it is time to close op for the night.’ "We will meet again, milord." an swered Napoleon. "Avec beau temps is! bong swat!" "What does that mean?” asked Wellington "It means that the next time we meet I will do the swatting,” an swered Napoleon bitterly. "And when will tso* be?" laquirec Wellington, laughing Madly. "In the far. far future,” replied the little Corporal. "You will then bo one of the Common People.” “And what will you be?” Wellington asked. "I shull be spirit of the High Cost of Living and I shall gnaw at your pocketbook until your appetite be* comes a burden unbearable. Bon solr, mes enfants. du spitzbuben!" Then the little corporal called a cab and left Wellington flat on the battle field. -- ■ / When I came bnck from the kitchen I found Peaches in the front room hugging Helfenhelfen to her heart and laughing her yellow head off. “Like it?” 1 asked, swelling up with the pride of authorship. "Look!" she spluttered between laughs. ‘Look. John! Isn't Uncle Peter a dear old fox! He wanted us to read this book and find the real Christmas present. Look here, on page 173 he has neatly attached a thin little check for a thousand dol lars! Isn’t he a darling?" “It’s worth that to read 173 pages of Helfenhelfen.” 1 squawked. *o cover my confusion. Some Uncle, that old boy, and I take back anything 1 may have said about ‘‘Look, John! Isn’t Uncle Peter a Dear Old Fox?” him in those dark moments before Helfenhelfen came across with tho cush. After we sat there tor two hours spending the money, 1 asked Peaches how my homemade essays stacked up with the German importations. “What esfJays?” she inquired blank ly. “Why, I left them here on the table," I said “Oh, that!” she cooed. "1 thought that was a letter of apology so 1 threw It in the wastebasket without reading it. because an apology wasn’t necessary.” Isn’t she the limit in Imported chif fon, I ask you? HER SIDE OF THE CLOTH Younger Sister Was Anticipating What in Time She Knew Would Be Hers. How often it is that the younger of two children in n family is at a dis advantage, In the matter of what is done for him, the clothes which he wears and the attention which he re ceives generally It is sometimes pa thetic, although occurring not so much from any real difference in the feel ings of the parents for the two as from thoughtlessness and the natural order of thing.]. The handing down of clothes from older to younger, for example, is almost necessary in many a family, but it is a hardship for th< younger one, nevertheless. One family onoe had two girls 1r exactly this situation, the younger be ing Just so much behind her sister In growth and development that it came perfectly natural that the elder’s dresses should fall to her lot In tho course of time And so it happened that all the new things were the ord er's and the younger always had them made over for herself. One day the elder w.is told by her mother to go downtown and select some material which she liked for her graduation dress and bring It home for approval. Full of glee, the girl atarted to go, when the younger spoke up in all seriousness: ’Don’t you think 1 ought to go with her. mam ma.” said she. “to see if I like the other side?” It set the mother to thinking, and I after that the younger pot some new I things of her very own—Rochester ! N. H., Fourier. How 8hoe Peo W»« Invented. To a Massachusetts man, Joseph Walker, Is due the credit of Invent ing the shoe peg. Prextous to the year 1818 Its use had not been known, and Its Inventor gave a new start to the manufacture of hoots and shoes Shortly after the Introduction of tni* Invention some unscrupulous parties are said to have tried to swindle tbo unsuspecting by endeavoring to sell shoe pegs as a new kind of oats. 1 p to 1818 boots and shoes neo been sewed, and the peg. made first by hand, came In to revolutionize the trade, it was. however, the custom of shoemakers who lived away from the manufacturing centers to make their own pegs by hsnd even an late as 1880, but tbe machlne-manufsctursd peg has now superseded (fear?. ALCOHOL- 3 PRR CENT. I A Vegetable lYepamlianRirAa' I similatmglhe Food and KeOulO' I hntflhc Stoiuachsand Baucis of J Promotes Digest ioixCheerfiil ness and Rest.Contains neither OpiunxMorphinc nor Mineral. Not Narcotic. A«p»# •fouorsvnu PfrarEM AvA« NW • , Alt \«m * V Pot At Hr Salts % I Aru±e ,S W • AyiMmuaT l a .„y,cj Suaof V Ki/t/ayrtM r/mtnr F A perfect Remedy forConsflpiK tion. Sour Stomach.Diarrhoea, Worms. Feverishness and Loss OF Sl.EF.IV «»)cQ fbc Simile Signature of •Qwf • J <0 Tne Centaur Comhan?, Sjj* NEW >PRK. vL l Kaact Copy ol Wrapper Children Cry For What is CASTORIA Castoria is a harmless substitute for Castor Oil, Pore* gorlc. Props ami Soothing Syrups. It is plcusunt. It contains neither Opium, Morphine nor other Knrcotlo substance. Its ngo is its guarantee. It destroys Worms nnd allays Feverishness. For more than thirty years it has been in constant nso for tho relief of Constipation. Flatulency, Wind Colic, ull Teething Troubles and PiarrhuMt. It regulates tho Stomach nnd llowch*. assimilates tho Food, giving healthy and natural sleep. Tho Children's Panacea— Tho Mother's Friend. GENUINE CASTOR IA ALWAYS In Use For Over 30 Years The Kind You Have Always Bought TH« C1NTAU. COMPANY, N ■ w YORK CITY. Childhood in Boston. A New Yorker who recently re turned from a visit to Boston vouches for the truth of the following, says the Youth’s Companion: One after noon he found the six-year-old hou of his host Hettled in front of the draw ing-room fire with a sheet of paper be fore him and a pencil clnBped in his chubby fist. Stealing a look over the boy’s shoulder he saw that the little fellow was making pictures. "Well, Bobby,’’ he asked genially, “are you drawing an engine?” Slowly the child looked up. and bIow ly he spoke: "It would take a very strong boy to draw an engine; but I am making a picture of a locomotive.” No Limit. “How many pancakes do you sup pose you could eat at a sitting?” In quired Uncle Cleorgo, as ho watched his little nephew stowing them away. “I don’t know," said the boy. "The most I ever had a chance to eat was twenty-four. Ma won’t let me try for a record " Nothing New. "My doctor Ic a great believer in apples. He’s forever advising people to eat them." "Nothing original about that*. The serpent in Eden did the same thing centuries ago.” Occasionally It Is a good Idea to keep still and listen. A Spinster’s Warning. She may have had experience In matrimony from what site said, but to all outward appearances she was a spinster. She had been sitting in the courtroom of a Justice of the peace while he was preparing to marry a couple in Ills private office. There was too much laughing in the office to suit the spinster, and sho let everybody know it. Finally she had utood the laughing of the bride*to-bo long enough, she thought, and she squeaked the follow ing in a high pitched voice: “Marriage is not to bo laughed at. It Is a serious tiling like going to church."—Indiunapolls News. Shrewd Sandy. A certain glen In Scotland had the reputation of having a splendid echo. An English gentleman visited the place, and nsked his guide about the echo. "Just shout, ’Two bottles of whis ky,' *’ said the guide. The gentleman did as requested, and after waiting for several minutes he turned to the Scot, and said: "But 1 do not lienr any echo." “Maybe no," chuckled the Scot, "but here’s the lassie cornin’ wi’ the whlBky.” Left What? “Mrs. Smith has a million In her own right.” “Wy wife always carries hers In her left." '-Bmp Taking Him Down a Little. An effeminate, self-opinionated * young man onto ed a restaurant the othe.* day, nnd after ho had ordered lunch the waitress, who was well’ known for her obliging disposition nnd ready wit, hnndcd him a newspa per so that he might profitably while away the few minutes that would elnpse before he wns served. "Thank you, Josephine," ho said, familiarly, "but prefer somothlng funny to look at while 1 am eating." The wnltresa looked at him con temptuously, then replied: "That need occasion you no Incon venience, Percy; there’s a looking glass straight In front of you I” A Bracer for Daughter. Anxious Mother—It was after nine o'clock when Clara came down to breakfast this morning nnd the poor girl didn’t look well at all. Her syo tem needs toning, up. What do yotl» think of iron? Father—Good Idea. Anxious Mother—What kind of Iron, had she better take? Father—She had better take a flatr Iron.—New York Sun. Those Queens Again. It—I dreamed last night I took tha classiest queen on the campus to tha prom. She—I)td I dance well? Cottonseed meal Is gaining popu larity ns cow feed In Canada. Summer Comfort is wonderfully enhanced when rest and lunch hour unite in a dish of t Post Toasties There's a mighty satisfying flavour about these thin wafery bits of toasted corn. So easy to serve, too, on a hot day, for they’re ready to eat right from the package fresh, crisp, clean. Not a hand touches Post Toasties in the making or packing. Served with cream and sugar, or crushed fruit, they are delicious.