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Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, August 24, 1905, Image 3

Image and text provided by State Historical Society of Iowa

Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn87057934/1905-08-24/ed-1/seq-3/

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Iowa's
15he
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Second Annual Carnival
OLD SOLDIERS
OLD SETTLERS
BAND CARNIVAL
gj. Beautiful Songs by Brilliant People, and Classical
_. tions by Band Professionals.
With Soldiers' Reminiscence of a
Strenuous Existence.
Pioneer Privations with Pioneer Ex- tijjfi
istenee. g||
With Sweet Music for All, the Great
and the Small.
Sept. 1 & 2, 1905
fijjj The First Day will be largely devoted to reception of fife
g^j our visitors, and an address of welcome by the Mayor ssl
Senator H. F. Andrews
Mrxif riiffarl OvafAvc Jnfarspprsi
ShaLm Battle
will probably be the Second Day, just after the
Parade
With military precision the hosts did meet, and fought
and bled, some died.
Six Military Bands will be here and cause you to
Keep Step.
PROF C. W. DALBEY
The Great Bandmaster
Will be here and give every Band its TRUE markings
by which they will earn
$100.00 and $75.00
Will be on hand each day to please and interest you
9 Balloon Ascension Each Day
A Regular Military Camp will
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Pilgrim Joe
Plods Along
His Pain Alleviator Gets Him Into a
Perilous Situation at Red
/r Hoss Tavern.
1905, by R. M. McClure.]
I[Copyright,of
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HAD sold forty-eight bottles of
my Fllgrlm Pain Alleviator
on the public square of the
town Yuba Dam and re
tired to my virtuous couch In the Red
Hoss tavern to sleep and dream that
the time had come when all the world
had turned to goodness, when I was
aroused by the door of my room beln'
kicked In by stalwart and indignant
men.
I beg the reader's pardon for leavlu'
him hung up in the air for a moment at
THEY FASTENED A HOPE ABOUND MY NECK
AND GAVE HER THE END TO HOLD.
this thrillin' juncture, while I remark
that my Alleviator has now been be
fore the discriminatin' public for the
last thirteen years, and doorin' all that
time it has never once failed to do
what was expected of It. It soothes
the weary, calms the nervous, brings
now hopes to the hopeless, and any
sort o' pain, from a headache to
broken bones, Is alleviated almost in
stantly.
No other remedy ever compounded
kin take its place. I have seen a
grievin' widder woman grievin' away
as if her heart would break, and
sayin* that she might as well commit
suicide, take one dose of my Alleviator
and then begin to laugh and sing coon
songs. If I should set out to tell the
the space of this paper.
I have heard people say a thousand
times over that It was well wuth a
dollar a bottle, but my price is invari
ably 25 cents. Where a grievin' wid
der woman and her nine fatherless
children appear before me In a body
and want ten bottles all to once, I
make a discount of 10 per cent. In
cases where I find ministers of the gos
pel preachin' on Sundays and diggin'
post holes for 15 cents a hole doorin'
the week I also make a slight dis
count, but to all others the price Is as
•stated. No pills go with the Allevi
ator. It stands out by Itself, like a
wart on a politician's nose. Havln'
made sich explanashun as I deemed to'
be due the public I will now return to
my perilous situashun In the Red
Hoss tavern.
No sooner had the stalwart and in
dignant citizens before mentioned bust
ed open my door than I gently inquir
ed what was wrong. In reply they or
dered me to git out of bed and foller
them. On the same public square
where I had achieved victory two hours
before was now a crowd howlin' for
my life, while tar and feathers had
been collected for my benefit. I soon
discovered the cauge pf the comrno
siiuu. A cross eyed citizen who had
bought a bottle of my Alleviator for
the earache had driven the pain down
into his stomach. In order to drive it
back again he had absorbed a gallon
of sour buttermilk and was then lyln'
on the ground with the pangs of de
spair gnawin' at his vitals. He had
claimed that my Alleviator had pi
zened him, and the liberal hearted
crowd had taken his word for it and
set out to mob me.
My presence of mind did not desert
me. Even with the tar warmin" up to
the right pint, and a woman standin1
by with two pillars off her parlor bed,
I held up my hand and made an ad
dress to the crowd. I contended with
sich sincerity that the sufferin' critter
had been mixin' suntliln' else with my
remedy that he finally broke down
and confessed the truth. I then or
dered him rolled on a bar'l, stood on
his head and given a few kicks, and
when ho had come to the right frame
of mind I administered a dose with
my own hand, and in five minits he
was snillln' like a babe.
Public opinion changed at once,
was hailed as a public benefactor and
a hero, and upon reopenin' business
made a sale of thirty-four more bottles
and was serenaded by a string band
When I left the town the next mornin'
the mayor liisself took off his hat to
me and gave me an official invitaslnm
to e*ll ugin. I cite this case to show
that a good avjn, backed by a good
pain alleviator, kin alius depend on
Providence to bring him through all
difficulties.
I had 4riven about five next
forenoon when I beliekl half a dozen
citizens approach!n' me on hossback.
At first I took them to be citizens of
the town of Last Call, who had heard
of the wondcr^'l soothin' effects of
my Alleviator and had rami out to be
tlm first to buv. but in leetle time I
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I would have resisted with carnal
rt)rce, but tliey was too many for ma.
In half an hour we reached the wid
der's, and she come to the door and
looked me over.
"Will he do?" asked the leader of the
mob.
"I reckon he'll have to, as there
hain't nothin' better In sight. Old man,
dost sigh for a birdie?"
Not a durned sigh! Widder woman,
I want to tell you that I've got an old
wife in Indiany."
But that don't bluff me. Say that
you love me as you have never loved
before."
COME ONE! COME ALL!
To the Old Soldiers and Old Settlers Reunion and
while here do not fail to call and see us. Our fall
and winter stock is now complete and larger than
ever. We want you to see our dress goods before
buying as we have a very nice line ranging in prices
from 25c to 81.50 per yard.
We have one hundred pieces and extra good valne
at 5c per yard. Others up to 15c per yard. 200 pairs
of cotton blankets. A good 10—4 size at 50c. 11—4
size 85c, 81.00, 81.25, 81.35, 81.50. 12—4 81.75.
We have just received the balance of cur
set out and' travel till she finds a
proper man. I've never knowed It to
fail."
"And it won't fail this time, 'cause
why? 'Cause we are goin' to take you
along with us and give the. widder a
husband."
"But how kin I marry her?"
"Easy as pie, and it's got to be done.
Come on."
CLOTHING
and our clothing stock is now complete. We can fit
anybody now that can be fit in a clothier's store and
it is all new. You will not have any old shelf-worn
stuff poked on you as we have .just put in the line.
All our summer underwear, slippers and hats we
will sell at a 10 per cent discount for the season.
Bring in your produce we will always pay the high
est market price.
HANSEN LOHNER & CO
tvas undeceived. As they came up
and halted and formed a ring around
me the leader asked:
"Hain't your cognomen Pilgrim
Joe?"
"The same, thank ye," I replied.
"Are you a single man?"
"Reasonably single. That Is, I've
got
an old woman back In Indiany
whom I haven't seen nor heard of for
seven years. No tellin' when she'll
turn up, however."
"She don't count," says the man.
"Back yere two miles Is a grievin'
widder. She's been a widder for three
years, and is grievin' because she can't
catch a man. Her case has appealed to
our sympathies and teched our hearts.
Day by day we have sawn her droopin*
and pinin' for a partner, but he has
came not."
"It's a case where my Alleviator will
I refused to do so, and what did that
crowd of critters do? One of 'em
claimed to have been a preacher in
Missouri before he stole a cow and had
to flee to the wild, wild west, and they
hauled me off my wagon while he said
Are you going to get that old pump repaired
or purchase anew one? We furnish a
five year insurance policy with each
and every Goodhue mill we put up.
We are prepared to do all kinds of deep well
work anywhere in the county. Give
us a trial and if we don't do you a good
job your money will be refunded.
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the marriage ceremony. Then they
threatened me with dire pains and pen
alties if I ran away, raised their hats
to the late widder, and a mlnlt later
galloped away and left us cooln' on the
doorstep. They had -fastened a rope
around my neck and given her the end
to hold.
"Joey, dear," she says when they had
departed, "why this coldness of de
meanor to'rds your birdie?"
"Git out!" I says.
"Does that mean that thou dost not
love to dwell with me?"
"It dost."
"Dost it mean that thou wilt not sit
here with me when the sun goes down
and the gloamin' comes and recite
poetry In my ear and tell me tales of
love and romance?"
"I'll never even squeeze your hand."
"Say not so, my Joey. I would that
evEKT"
into night when the stars came forth
to tell their love when the great, white
moon looked down upon us as we whim
pered our tales of love"—
"Forget It!" I yelled.
"Forget it? Never! Not on your
life! Joey, my frolicsome darllng
my pet lambkin"—
And then I broke away and ran for
the wagon. She made a grab for me
and missed, and with one tremendous
bound I reached the seat and put the
gad on the old hoss and liberty was
mine agin. The widder woman who
had lost her Joey followed me for a
mile, sometimes galnln' and sometimes
losin', but eventually my lucky angel,
backed by my wonderful Pilgrim Pain
Alleviator, triumphed over all things,
and she gave up in despair and turned
her face homeward. Alius shake the
bottle before usin'. M. QUAD.
EXIRA MARKETS--THURSD1Y
Com 42c Cat'l, b'tch..2 [email protected] 00
Wheat 17©67c
Barley 27c
Oata W-c
Butter ltic
Bgga 14c
Potatoes, 2"ic
Bane 8Sc Spring cbicken9 10Ko
flello There
Feed Store
In connection with the above we have on
hand Walnut Roller Mills flour, bran,
shorts, corn meal and chop feed.
Hard, soft, nut and thresher coal, the latter
being selected especially for this pur
pose. If you want good
onable prices call on us.
good*
SPENCER & SON
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Top $5 00
Hoga.. 5 50
Hay, delivered...$4.00
Turkeys 10c
Geese tic
Dncks ..7c
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$
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