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BOMB MXN AND BOMB RUIJU , __ V OL. 4.—NO. 42. HA'ZLfiHtJRST. COPIAH COUNTY,JMISS., NOVEMBER 26, 1885. $2.00 A YEAH. __PROFESSIONAL CARDS. ~ JTl. MEADE, Attorney nt Iaiw, _HAZLKHl'KST, MISS. M. N. Wlt.I.KH, H. C. CONK. MILLER & CONN. AttornevN at I *n\v HAZLKHl'KST, MISS. JO. PURSER, Attorney nt I-nw, liAZumrnsT, mss. “sTd.* RAMSEY. Attorney nt I^nw» % _HAZt.EH’KST, MISS. L B. HARRIS, O. X. DODDS. HARRIS & DODDS, Attorm^yN nt I jnrw HAZLEIIUILST, MISS. DR. JESSE R. JONES, ' Practicing Physician, W i 7 HAZLEI117R8T, MISa 'dr. G. W. PURNELL."’ Physician ami Surgeon, 1IAZLKHUIIST, MISS, c. K. OATIS, c. B. OATIS, JH. OATIS & OATIS, Vliy sic Ians and Siinreons, H AXLE HURST, MISS. DR. S. F. CARR, liusidnit Dontist, HAZLEHUKST, MISS. Offer* bin «n*rvic#« to tin* public ami KU»rt,nt»H»t Hutmla. ti ui. Olllcovar l*o«t* i>tNo« ! iii.'.ii. .. DR. J. H. MAGRUDER, DE3VTIST, HAZLEHUKST, MISS. All work Rum ant.^.l. Oftlct* in Mav*n|.* Hull LuiMin^'. up Mmr*. en.f m>I«* rn lrn«<l. G7 dTlOWE; Justici of Pmci and Notary Publio, HAZLEHUKST, MISS. i Oflfl in front of CBWUNMMi T.E. HEIWAY,^ MAKES AM) I’.KPADU Wagons, Busies auil Plows. Krcru ox hand STEAM PIPES AND FITTINGS, THREADS, PIPE, ASD DDKS AST FARM AND HACINE BLACKSM1THING. ar.jr.PEnniar, Manufacturer aa«l repairer of Biggies, Wagons and Plows —ASD— GENERAL FARM WORK. Shot* on Front Street, cast mJo of rail* road. Work Guaranteed anil Prices Reasonable. TONY’S HOUSE, No. 140 Poydras Stwt, lietwcen St. Charles aud Camp Streeta, NEW 01kLEANS, LA. LODGING AT REASONABLE PRICES. Tost iisuiKit-i. Proprietor. W. P. HUGHES, BOOT AM SHOEMAKER, NEAK OLD POKTOFFICE. Good Wort and Satisfaction Guaranteed. 1 larIt'lltnrxt, Mix*. —AT— JACKSON. BOSS. Toting meu of eneigy ami tntelligenet who desire to make their way in the world by babiW of economy ami tbeir own in* dustrlou* effort*, will have the best ad vantages offered them in this institution for acquiring a thorough busluese educa tion. Forty Dollars secures a scholarship for a complete course in Book-Keeping and l‘en maaaklp. . The entire expense to secure a Diploma need not exceed flOO, Including scholarship, Hoard, Books, Stationary and Washing. The second aeasion of this well establish ed school begins S«pt. l&tb, Jfttd. Heod fur circular# and ipeuimoas of pm* isun ship. ROUPEBISH X WYATT, Proprietor*. ■ ■I Oh-, . fc PlRST LOVE-MAKING. A land there la beyond the tea . That I hare never aeou. Hut Johnny aaya he II take roe there Ami I ahall t* n yuoou Me It build ter me a palace there. It* roof will It ot thatch. And it will have a IHt,t> porch And everything to match. And he II give me a garden green. And he It g.ve nle a crown Ot how era that love the wood nnd Held And never grow lu town. And we ahall be m> happy their, And nev.r, ww pntt. And I -hall be the grandest Queen— The Queen of Johnnj ‘a heart. Then. Johnny, man your little boot To aail aetoaa the -cal Thore'a only room ter King and Qucea* For Johnny and for i»*. Amt. Johnny .r*—*k*. I lu net atari* PT why witiil or tide. For 1 am ulwa\ a safe, my dear, If you are by my aide. —Lucy f Word. (n CnawlTa Jtfugtufna A CLEVER HUSBAND. Haney Makos Him Such by Hor Own Peculiar Mothods. So you want ter know how I came ter hev Caleb, when I kln*W ]c\t hcow ho uacd Nnn<*y. his first wife. Wall, I'll tell vv a.I about it. You kuow Dan’l left mo pretty poor ly oil 1 hed two littlo children, an' what ter dew I didn’t know. The uiortgmjp* eras ter ruu root in alioul a year an' a half arter ho died. I'd sent the children down to brother Jehu> ler "o to school. Brother John want ed me to g.v* them tor him nn ho d do well by ’em, an’ l was modi tat in-'on it. oi i'ul loth to dew it Hut wiiat else could I dew with ’em when the old farm was took away from mo? One uav, when tho timo was near cout, 1 was a hoeiu' the beaus a de of the fence jinitt’ Caleb's contleld. I tell ycr. Hanuah. 1 never felt bluer in all my !>ern days. I'd alters lived an’ worked on n farm, an’ couldn't do no other kiud of work; so what was to becomo of me 1 didn't know. “Purtv good boom’ for ft green baud.'’ mjz somebody over tho fcucu. ••Yes,” sc/. I. “Pro done enough of it since 1 was left alone. ‘Practice makes perfect* we u-od ter write in our copy-book when wo were cbil’cn,” on' I couldu't help heaving a sigh. “Wall, Ktumerlino,** so/ he, “vnu’n j I jocni to be n the same fix. You need n man to do - our hoeing and *ich. an’ I nrod a woman to see ter tny house; an’ if you’re agreed no’ll hitch horses and work in double harness. I can't tmd no hired help that'll do as Nancy did.” fThiuks I to m> self, an’you’ll' never find another ’twill, either.) “So what d’ye say, Emmcrl'me?” “P’raps 1 didn’t think o* nothing for Ibo ttu\* f* v minutes. It all flashed over mo in it secont, what an unfurlin' tnun he'd alien been. Poor Nancy had ter dew all the home-work an’ a good deal belonging ter him ter dew, an* bo ■vat stingier than au old miser ten. 1 knew be was a smart man ter work, wns forehanded and was able to live in good deal better shape than ho did. nn’ you know, Hannah, that poor Dan 1 was just the opposite. He was a norful clever mao, w as Dan'I, but kiml o’ sli files* an' easy, an’ it alters worried utc to licv thing* goin’ so slack. Scz I to myself, o body can’t licv everything; there’s allers some eouts, an’ a poor man’s better’n none, bo 1 speaks right up, and 1 sezt “Caleb, we’ve been nabors for many a year. I know your failiu’s an’ a’pose you know mine; an’ so. if you say so, all right; p’raps we might do wins.” Wall, ter make a long story short, we agreed to hov the baseness dun right off. Caleb ha d that It was stylish to go on a weddin’ tower, now-a-dnys, and, as be wanted to go down to llangor to see about selliug his wool, an’ ns Sarah Jane Curtis (whtfusod to work forbitn) lived about half-way, an* we could stop there both ways and not cost us any* thing, bu thought we’d bettor go. llis niece. Kebecca Gilman, yer know, 1 ves there, and wo could make her a visit a^ the same time. Brother John lives there, tew. yer know, an’ I made up my mind that I'd jest bring homo the child en. An’ so I did; but Caleb he was orful jot agin it, bnt sed “of course they can come and make a visit;” an’ 1 let him think so, ’cause 1 wasn’t quite ready to have words with him yet. We staid about a week an’ got home along in the afternoon all right. Tho next mornin I woke up purty early, and I s*'Z to myself: ••Courage, Kramer line, now or never.” I Hep* still, for Caleb was still a snorin’, but bimo by he fetched »n onarthly snort that wak’t hiuixelf up an’ w’en he see as it was gettin’ daylight, he nudged uio an’ soz be; ••Wake up. Emmcrlinc. Emmerllnc; It’s broad dayW;ht; come, coiue, get up, we shan't hev any breakfast ter day.” i was orful hard to wake, but after a while I managed ter, an’ while I was a rubbiu' ray eyes. I soz: •• Got a good tiro, ain’t ye, Caleb?” •• Fire!” said he. •• No. I never build any Area. Nancy allers built the tires." ••Did she?” soz I, cool as a cucum ber “So did Daniel.” I turned over and wont to sleep again —or at least ho thought I did. Wall, he wiggled, and turned, and twisted, and he didn't move ter get up fer about an hour, an’ when the sun rose and ^one inter the bed-room win der, he got np and built the Arc. There wasu’t no kindling* nor a stick of wood, an* ho had to skirmish round litely aud some. Arter the tiro got to crackling in good slmpo I got up. t didn’t hurry none, let me tell you. I was iuos* dead lying abed so long, but sez 1 to myself: " Kf 1 make tho tires now. I'll prob ably hov to do it in cold weather, an’ I won’t do it for any man.” He was pretty sullen all day, but I didn't lake notice of him. an’ he got over it. Tho neat day ho was ter be gin bayin’, an’ ho bad six men ter help him I heal tor do all tho work, an' take care of the milk nud chimi n’, an* it was no fool of a job. Como time ter get dinner, an’ there wa-u’t a sliver of wood cut 1 sent Johnnie (he wus then about soron years old) out in tho field to tell Caleb l wanted him. lie came In, looking savage enough, nn l wanted to know what It was I Wanted. Sez 1: •• 1 want somo wood tor burn.” “Wall, ’ sez he, "there’s a whole woodpile out there. Help versolf.” " An’ not a stick split,” sez I. “You will hev ter got a bigger stove ter burn that.” “Wall, it ain’t such a hard job tor split it.” sez he. "Nancy used tew, oftou, when I was bizzy.” “ Did she.” sez I. "So did Daniel” He got the wood, nu’ said, as he was going out, that ho didn't want ter bo called iu out o’ the mowing lield again unless 'twas for victuals. “ All right,” sez 1. Ihenex uav twax tho same thing, not a stick split Thinks I: “Old fol low, you ain't got Naucy hero. I’ll lain ye a little somethin' that p’raps ye dou’t know.” So when it was diuucr time 1 blows the horn, an* in Cotnes all seven of theso men an’ sets down ter the table. Sich ’stonlshed lookin’ faces ax they had as they viewed the grub There was the bUcut just dough, the pertaters, an’ meat, nu’ vegetables, an’ everything Was washed clean and put ou raw. Not a thing was cooked. < a!cb looked blacke’n as a thunder cloud. •• What does this moan?” sez bo. “It means what it means," hoz 1. “You said yest’day that you didn’t want ter be called iu from tho mow in held again unless it was for victuals, nu’ here they are." “Nico shape, tew," sez he. “Well. 1 can't cook’tbout wood,” «ez I dryly like. With tha* all >e*on of’em started for tiro door, au’ they never lott that pile till it wax ready for the st >ve. I never was bothered for wood again. A few weeks after 1 wanted some money purty bad. I wanted ter send Johnnie and Nellie back to school, and 1 wax bituud that they should harosomo clothes tit to wear. I asked Caleb a number of times to let mo hcv some, but ho made all kinds of oxcuses. 1 didn't toll hiru what I wanted of it. mind yo. oue day along comes a peddler that bought butter’n eggs. I liad cousiderahlo ou hand that Caleb was intending to eairv into thereby wheu he had time. So I sold every pouud of butter an’ eggs 1 had in tho houxe. 1 got uigh on to twcuty-tive dollars for ’em. When Caleb came homo 1 told him 1 had sold the butter’n and eggs. ••Ileow much did you git?” soz he. I told h:m. ••Where's the money?” sez ho. •Tw got it,” sez I. ••Wall,” sez he, •‘Nancy allow give me all tho money that sho took for her butter and oggs ” ••Did sho?” sez l “And so did Dan’l.” Ho got tired of holding Nancy up aforo his eyes, for I would ollsot hor with Dan’l every time, lie found that 1 was powerful sot In my way, au’ ho thought ho might aa well let mo hcv tuy own way, an’ so he soz: “1 don’t menu to be ugly, but I wou’t be trod on by nobody.” Whon’he wouldn’t lot me hev what money I wanted, I’d sell something every time. 1 sold two tons of hay one time, when 1 know ho hnd only enough to winter bis critters. So, on the whole, he found out that I wasn’t afraid ol him, and he behaved quite decent 1 told him not long ago that he was growin’ clever. “Clever?” sez he. “I rather you’d ■ call mo a dog-goued fule than clover.’ But I notice be bus improved, an’ I lay it ter his trainin’. — Massachusetts 1‘luughman. —A gentleman went by train one clay to aee his favorite daughtor off. Se curing her a seat, ho ptusod out and went rouud to her window to say a parting word. The daughter left tho seat to speak to a fr cud. and at the same time a prim old maid took the seat and moved up to tho window. Uuaware of the important change in side, the gentleman hurriedly put h'is face up to the window aud said: “One more kiss, sw*et pet!” lu another in stant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the window, tollowed by the passionao ujunot.ou: “Be off, you gray-headod wretch!”—^. 11 Ledger. —The ladies were talking about tbeir old silver and the newer designs, when Mrs. Oldblossom said: “1 use nothing upon my table but hammered ware.” And just then as a crash ef resounding ciilua came echoing from the kitchen she added: “And there’s the artist ham mering some more of it row.*’—bur tittle, in Brooklyn Angle. --I .GEOLOGY* Prof. William Vjo DiaconrM* Upon tho tlriietaro of ih* Kirills Crttot. Geology is that brancn of natural science which treats of tho stracturo of tho earth's crust and the modoof forma tion of its rooks. It is a pleasant nnd profitable study, and to the man who htu married rich, and does not need to work, tho auiusoinunt is indeed a great boon. Geologists ascertain the age of the earth by looking at its tooth and count ing tile wrinkles on Its horns. They have lcaruod that the earth is not only of great age, but that it is' ktill adding to its ego from year to year. It is hard to eay very much of a groat scicnco in so short an artio. A and that is tho ono great obstnelo which I am constantly running against as a scient ist. I ouce prepared a paper on astron omy entitled "The Chronological His tory and Habits of tho Spheres." It was very oxhaustivo and woighed four ponnds. I sent it to a scientific publi cation that was supposed to be working for the advancement of our race. Tho oditor did not print it, but wroto me a crisp postal-card, requesting me to crdl with a dray and remove my stufl before the Uoc.rd of Health got after iL la livo short years from that time ho was a corpse. As I write thO'O lines I learn, with ill-con coaled pleasure, that ho is still a corpse. An awful dispensation of Providence, in tho shape of ft largo, wilted cucumber, laid bold upon his vitals and cursed him with an inward paiu. lie has sinco bad the opportu nity, by nctual personal observation, to hoo whether the statement* made by mo relative to astronomy wore true. His last words were: “Friends. Homans and countrymen, beware of the q-cumber. will w up.” It was uot original, but it was good. Tfc* four groat primary periods of thr earth’s history aro a-, follows, viz., to-wit: 1. The Kozoic or I am of lifo. 2. The Pahcozolo or period of ancient lifo. 3. Tho Mosozolc or middlo period of life. 4. The Neozoic or recent period of life. These arc all subdivided ngain, and other words more diilicult to spell arc introduced iuto science, thus crowding out tho vulgar herd who can not afl'ord to uno high-priced terms in constant conversation. Old-timer* state that the primitive condition of tho earth was extremely damp. With the onward march of time, and after tho lapse of million* o! years, men found that they could get along with lo*s and less water, until at Inst we see tho present blissful statu of things. Aside from the use of wator at our summer resorts, that fluid is get ting to bo less and less popular. And oven hore at these resort* it is generally flavored witli some foreign jub-tunco. Tho earth’s crust is variously esti mated in tho mnttor of thickness Some think it is 2,.'WO miles thick, which would make it safe to run hoavy trains across tho earth anywhere on top of u second mortgage, while other scien tists say that If wo go down one tenth of that distance we will reach n place wlicro tho worm diotli not I do not wish to express an opinion as to the actual depth or thickness of tho earth's crust, but 1 believe it is none too thick to suit me. Thickuoss in tho earth's crust is a mighty good fault. Wo estimate tho ago of cortain strata of tho earth's for mation by means of a union of our knowledgo of plant and animal life, coupled with our geological research and a good momory. Tho older scien tists in the field of goology do not rely solely upon the tracks of the hydra saurus or tho cornucopia for their data. They simply use theso things to refresh their memory. I hope at some future time to write a paper for tho Acadomy of Science on tho subject of “Deceased Fauna, For siliferous Debris and Extinct Jokes," showing how, when and why those oarlv forms of animal lifo become ex tinct.—AT. K Mercury. * ■ ■ - i ^ • m - — A Candid Visitor. Gilhooly dropped into the office of Judge Pennybuukor a few days ago. After they had talked about local poli tics, the weather, etc., Judge Penny* bunker remarked: ••You come to seo mo very frequently, Gilhooly, but thcro is one thing about your visits that 1 can’t understand." “What is that?" '••Well, it is the fact that you have never yet invited me to call on you.’’ “That’a easily explained,’' said Gil hooly, yawning and stretobing himself; “you seo when I oomo to visit you. if you mako mo tired with your talk 1 can get up and go, but if you call on me at my houso and bore me with your talk, 1 may not bo able to get rid of you without boing impolite. See?’’—dr kansaw Traveler. —“Tobacco smoking," said a trav eler, “is so oommon in Holland, that it is almost impossible to distinguish one person from another in a room full of smokers." “But supposing you want to speak to some one present, bow are you to find him out?" “Ah! in such cases a waiter is sent round with a pair of b«iiow#, with which he’ blow# away •he smoke from the face of every put* ten until the right one is found." * HOURS WITH GREAT MKN. BIU Nr®’« tlneipaotad Masting with Oan* arml Bharman Hlnoa tha War. I presume that I could writo an entira library of personal romlnisconcos rela tive to the eminont pcoplo with whom I havu been thrown during a busy life, but I lmto so to do it, bocauso I always regarded such things as sacrod from the vulgar eye, and I felt bound to re spect tho coniidence of a prominent man just on much as I would that of one who was less boforo tho people. 1 remember very well my first meet ing with General W. T. Sborman. I would not mention it hero if Uwero not for tho fact that the pcoplo seem to be ycaruing for pcraoual reminiscences of groat men, and that is porfoctly right, too. It was sine* the war that 1 mot Gen eral Sherman, and it was on tho lino of tho Union Pacific Railway ot one of thoso justly celebrated eating-houses which I understand are now abandoned. The colored waiter had cut olT a strip of tho omolotto with a pair of shears, tho scorched oatmeal had been passed arouud. tho little rubber door mats fried in butter and called pancakes had been dealt around the table, and tho cashier at tho end of tho hall had just gone through the clothes of a party from Ver mont. who claimed a rebate on the ground that tho waitor hud refused to briug him anything but his bill. There was no sound in tho dining-room except the weak request of the coHTco for-more air and stimulants, or perhaps the cry of pain when tho buttor, while prac tising with the dumb Mia, would hit a child on the head, then all would be still again. General Shcrmnn sot at one onu oi the table, throwiug a lifo preserver to a fly in tho milk pitcher. We had never met before. %-vrgh for years wo had been plodding along life’s rugged way—he in tho War Depart* moot, I in tho Post-Oflico Uepavimont Unknown to each other, wo ua i been holding up opposite corners of the great National fabric, if you will allow ine that expression. I romembor, as well as though it were but yesterday, how the conversa tion began. General Sherman looked sternly at me and said: ••I wish you would overpower that butter and send it up this way.” ••All right,” said I, "if you wiU please pass those molasses.” That is all that was said, but I shall never forgot it, and probably ho never will. The conversation was brief, but yet how full of food for thought! How true, bow earnest, how natural! Noth ing stilted or false about it. It wa* tho natural expression of two minds that were too great to bo ivrbo'0 or to monkey with social, con vocational flap doodle. I remomber once, a great while ago, I was nsked by a friend to go with him in tho evening to the houso of an ac quaintance, when? they wero going to have a kind of muslcalc, at which thero was to be some noted pianist, who had kindly consented to play a few strains. I did not get tho name of the profes sional, but I went, and when the tint pieco was announced I saw that tho light was very uncertain, so I kindly volunteered to get a lamp from another room. I hold that big lamp, weighing about twcuty-nlno pounds, for half an hour, whilo the pianist would tinky tinky up on tho right hand, or bang, boomy to bang bang down on the bass, whilo ho snorted and slugged that old concert grand piano and almost knockod Us teeth down its throat, or gently dawdled with tho keys liko a pale moonbeam shimmering through tho bleachod rafters of a deceased horse, until at last thoro was a wild janglo, such as tho accomplished musi cian gives to an Instrument to show tho audionco that he baa disabled tho piano, and will tako a alight Intermission whilo it is sent to tho junic shop. With a sigh of relief I carefully put down the twenty-nino-pound lamp, aud my friend told me that I bad bccu Handing thcro like liberty enlightening the world, and bolding that heavy lamp for Iillnd Tom. 1 had never seen him before, and I slipped oat of the room before bo had a chance to see me.—Bill Nye, in Uoston Globe. —"Mr. J. S. Nixon, of this place, while in attendance at* i’resbytory, at Newport R. L,” says the Franklin Repository, "engaged in conversation with the young Indian whom Presby tery took under its care. In speaking of Indian names this yoqng man said: 'Now the river Susquehanna received its namo in this way. An Indian stand ing on one side of tbo bank called across to the other, "Bosque,” which moans "Are you there!” His friend replied: "Hanna,” which Interpreted mean* "I am here.” A white man standing near heard it and named the river accordingly.'" —It is easy to prevent rest within s bow-cases. It is well known that the rusting of bright steel goods Is due to the precipitation of atmospheric moist ure upon the metaL This may be obvi ated by keeping tto air surrounding the goods in a dry condition; and a sauoer of powdered quicklime placed in an ordinary show-case will usually vuffiot* to jfrevont the rusting of the cut lery exhibited therein, as the lime will take up the meisture-—thioago Jour nal. i MATRIMONIAL EXPERIENCE. Tht Happiness of a Loving Conpln Which Wm Too Grnot to Loci. BIX MONTHS AFTER XARRIAOE. “Poaroat Lucy, don’t you want to grace tho ball this evening with your lovoly prcseneo? You know wo re* Oeired a very polite invitation." “Just os you say, dear William. Whatever pleases you pleases me. 1 will do whatever you thick (or the best" ••Well, Lucy, suppose wo go—that is, If It will offbrd you any pleasure. Don’t say you want to go just because 1 sug gested it. You knew I am always hap py if you are about" ••Just ns you say, dearest. What dress shall I wear? Shall I wear my white satiu dress or tny bottle-green merino with bead trimmings? You kuow which is tho most becoming to me." “Pear Lucy, you aro beautiful in any dress. Just consult your own tasto, but I think your wbito satin dress is ver> becoming." “That is just the one I was going to wear. How happy we will bo at tho ball. You mast promise me, William, darling, that you will not leave mo even for a minute. 1 am so sad and lonely when you arc not about" “What wouldn’t I do to ploasc you? I am sometimes afraid that our happi ness Is too great to last." “Don’t spoak that way, William. It makes a cold shiver run over mo. Now l will go up-stairs and dress." Lucy disappears. 'There she goo*. W hat an angoll<r creature *ho is. IIow wretched I should be if anything happened to her. My heart tells me 1 will never cense to love her. What n happy man I am.” SIX YEAItfl LATKIL “Why don’t you baud over that sugar bowl? you never put enough sugar In my coffee.” “You just shut your mouth. Bill Bcasly. I put enough sugar in the coffno to sweeten a barrel of vinegar. You, Johnny, if you put your finger in that dish ngain, I’ll make you wish you bad never been born, you dirty little thing. You, Susan, quit that suiilling IJuit it, 1 say.” Mrs. Bcasly pounds Susan on the back. “1 don't think you ought to beat that child, but you always were a brute,’’ said Mr. Bcasly. ••Bill Ueasly, I want you to shut your mouth. You just mind your businc**. “Pa, Johnny Is tearing your paper.” “You littlo scoundrel, I’ll teach you U> tear my paper. Take that.” Mr. Bcasly cuffs Johnny’* ear. “O, you bully,” exclaims Mrs. Boas l}*, refemng to her husband. “Come here, Johnny, poor boy. Hid he hurt youP Hero is a lump of sugar for you.” "Lucy, you act liko a blamed fool. You are enough to drive a maa crazy. You always insist on having your own way about things.” “You can have your own way for a while, for I am going to the skating rink.” Mrs. Bcasly takes her leavo. “Heaven bo praisod. “Now, III have a quiet time," sighed tho hus band. “Wbat a wretched thin." it is to bo tied to that woman. If I was to live with that woman a thousand years, I’d never caro tho snap of my linger for her. What a fool I have been not to have hunted up a divorce lawyer long ago.'1— Texas Hijlings. A Cautious Capitalist. “Do you put your savings in the bank every weckP” asked a gentleman of ono of Jacob Sharp's drivers. “You mustn't stand on the step," replied tho driver. The gentleman moved up. “As I was saying," ho went on, “do you put your—" “Take your foot off tho dash-board,” responded the driver; “it’s ag in the rules." Tho gentleman took his foot off the dash-board. . . “As 1 was about to remark," ho again continued, “do you deposit your—" “ Nor smoko. No smoking allowed on the front platform." Tho gentleman stopped smoking. “1 would like to ask if you doposit your savings in the bapk every Sat urday?" The driver whipped up hie horses in response to a frantio pantomime on the part of a feeblo old woman who stood st the corner with a market-basket on oithor arm, and then said: “Naw, sir. no banks fer mo; they bust i}p too often. I pack the money 1 sare overy week away in barrels and diy-goods boxes.”—Puck. Progressive Croquet. Edith—You were not at Grosvenor'e last Tuesday. Lillie. So sorry! We bad a splendid time Lillio (languidly)-Same old thing, I suppose?” “No, indeed. We played progres sive croquet and-” •• Progressive croquet? Good gra cious, what new game is that?" “Well, it is played precisely tfco same as the old game, only there is no fighting permitted.” — Philadelphia Call.___ —An English paper reports that dur ing regent explorations at Nlnevah a petrified umbrella was found in one of the temples. FULL OF FUN. — f —The chemist is tho readiest of mta. He always has a retort —If it wasn’t for tho smell some bat ter would be hotter fer plastering than mortar. — Waterloo Observer. —Tho Appalachian Clnb will soot* discuss the qtiostion: “Was Chooorua tho original Pigwackot?” We under stand that Chocorua will plead “not guilty.”—Boston tost. —“What ls a weather report?” asked a small boy, who wn* reading a paper. “I don’t know precisely, but I suppose that thunder U one kind of weather re port,” responded hU parent.—M Y. Ledger. —“Her father is a pirato?” “ Aw, ya-as.” “Why, what aro you talking about? Old Pinfeather is no pirate." "Why—aw—ya-ns. He's a regular freebooter. That’s the reason that I left off going to her houso.” —It is snid that a.bee can pull more in proportion to its sizo than a horse. “We don’t know as to that,” says tho editor of the lluona Vista Democrat, “but they are quite powerful when they back up to you and pash.” —What aro tho thiugs which touch us most as we look back through tho ycarsP” asked a female lecturer, im pressively. There was a moment's aw ful pauso, and then a small hoy in tho audience answered: “Our clothes.”— Durlington Free Dress. —There is something suggostivo in tho fact that a bronze statue of Bacchus has been found lying in the bed of tho River Tiber. Devotees of Bacchus aro frequently found lying in the bed of a river. Mortality statistics Bacchus up in this statement — Norristown Herald. —Tho Antiab!o Heifer.— A fanner once called his cow ‘•Zephyr,’* bbe seemed such an amiable hephyr. When tho funner drew near Bhw kicked oil his ear, And now tbnt old farmer's much dcphrr. —Oiy*UtU'» Sun. —••Well, whst next. I wonder?” murmured a mock little man who sat in a barber-shop reading an account of tho small-pox scare. ••You’re noxt!” shouted tho barber in such stentorian tones that the little man jumped from bis chair and rushed out of tho shop to get vaccinated.—H. )■ Jounia'. —••Undo James,” said a city young lady, who was spending a few day* in the country, "is that chicken by tho gato a Brahma?” “No,” replied Unde James, ‘‘ho’s a Leghorn.” "Why, cor* taiuly, to bo sure!” said the young Indy. "How stupid of me! I can see tho horns on his ankles.”—I!ochesUr Express. —A young man who bclioves in self* improvement, having recently married, suggested to his wife that they should argue some questions frankly and fully every morning, in order to learn more of cnch other. Tbo first question hap pened to bo "whether u woman could be expected to get along without n hat,” he took tho nllirmntlvc, and when last seen ho had climbed into a hay loft, and was pulling the ladder aitor him.— Boston Budget. ITEMS OF INTEREST. —Tho latest novolty in purs?* in Paris is a baby'* boot crocheted in silk —David Whalen is said to bo the tall est man in Philadelphia. Ho stands s>x feet seven and a hall inches in his stock ing feet. —There is a law on the statuto book* of Pennsylvania which requires house keepers to scrub their pavements every Friday. It was passed in 1767. —Texas is progressing wonderfully fast In 1870 the grand total valuo of farm products of the State was $4'J,0l)0, 000. Now it has swelled to tho cn •rmous sum of $81,000,00<i —Ip New York an analysis has been made of tbo Chinese tipple, which they hove been selling among themselves frcoof excise. It is found to contain,, thirty-eight por cent of alcohol, and henceforth the Chinose will bo required to procuro licences to sell their native drink. —During a light among lomo prison ers in tho corridor of the jail in Roch ester, N. Y., a colored man named Mills, who was a sj>ectator of tho com bat suddenly sank to tho lloor and ex pired. Ho was a very timid man, of a nervous temporamont and it was sup posed that he was literally scared to death. —Mayor Hardy, of Lincoln, Neb., having offended a powerful eloraont of the population by bis radical stand on the temperance question, received a ghastly warning, a cotlln being left at hU door. Ho promptly sold the collin for thirteen dollars and turnod the men* ey Into the treasury of the local tem* perance society.—Chicago Tribune. —John Lordan, a passenger on tha steamer Colorado, from New York to Galveston, where bo was going to soe his brother, became deranged wbou the vessel was two days out, and leaping overboard, was drowned. Several of tho crew tried to catch him so. os to keep him from taking the fatal leap, hot he eluded them all —A few days ago a farmer living Just north of Clyde, N. Y., obeerved a hawk dive to the ground and imme diately rise with something in its daws. Presently the bird commenoed making some strange motions, and at last fell to the ground motionless Upon ex* amining the hawk it was discovered that he bell a weasel in his qlaws, and the weasel had tho hawk by the threat, ho t!i were dead.—Troy Titnet.