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JOHNNY WAS PUZZLED.
Farmer—You come down and I’ll fix you so you won’t want to steal any more apples. Boy—Is that a threat or a promise?— Chicago Tribune. Her Own Secret. “A woman can never keep anything to herself,” said Danboy to his wife, who had been repeating something he didn’t want known. “Oh, yes, she can,” said Mrs. Danboy, sweetly. “I’d like to know what it is,” he growled. “It’s her real and private opinion of her husband.”—Tit-Bits. It Cornea Back. Subbubs—Do you really mean to say you keep a cat? Backlotz—Yes. Subbubs—I shouldn’t think you’d want one around the house. Backlotz—I don’t, but the cat insists —Philadelphia Press. He Took the Hint. The bashful lover drew his breath And made an effort grand; “I wish I were the glove,” he cried, “That rests upon your hand!” She blushed a trifle, and replied, “I must admire your taste. But I would rather that you were. The belt around my waist.” —N. Y. Times. VERY CONSIDERATE. Mrs. Newbride—When you found out 'that you couldn’t accept the invitation to our wedding, why didn’t you send your regrets? Miss Rivale—Oh! I thought you’d have enough of your own pretty soon, dear.—Louisville Courier-Journal. Human Nature. Perhaps you never noticed it, But it’s gospel anyway. The person who agrees with you In everything you say Wants to get next to your coin. Or make of you a tool; He either thinks you’re foolish— Or is himself a fool. —Cincinnati Enauirer. At Home. Henry Peck’s Clerk—No, Mr. Peck won’t be at his office to-day. Customer—I wonder if I could see him at his home? ”IC your eygs are very good.”—Detroit Free Press. ‘ Difference of Opinion. “What is genius?” asked the man who has a liking for abstruse questions. “There is a difference of opinion on that question,” answered Mr. Sirius Barker; “some people think that genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains; others that it is the ability to get on without doing any work worth men tioning.”—Washington Star. Where We All «a»il. “Colonel,” asked the beautiful grass widow, “have you ever really known what it was to be frightened?” “I should say I have,” replied the gal lant warrior. "At the dentist’s office the other day I could actually feel the blood congeal in my veins when he came at me with his buzz saw.”—N. Y. Her ald. "Where All Men Fall. A man may stop a foaming horse that’s tearing down the street. May stop an enemy's advance amid the battle’s heat; In fact, stop almost anything in situations trying; But not a single man alive can stop a baby crying. —London Tit-Bits. KNEW WITHOUT GUESSING. - 1. ——' -w Vera Smartsette—What flowers do you think I love the most? Now, guess. Jack Hardup—Oh! I know; the most expensive ones.—Chicago Chronicle. Human Nature. We search for microbes everywhere But show convenient blindness When it comes time to find them in Our milk of human kindness. -N. Y. Sun._ Admitted to the Bar. “He doesn’t look smart enough to be a lawyer.” “He isn’t.” “But you said he was admitted to the bar.” “Quite right.” “Well, how did it happen?” “Easily enough. The barkeeper ad mitted him.”—Chicago Post. There Wa» One Defect. “I am a self-made man,” said the proud individual. “Well, you are all right except as to your head,” commented the other part of the conversation. “How’s that?” “The part you talk with is out of pro portion to the part you think with.”— San Francisco Wasp. Preparing: for a Trip. “Have you everything for the auto mobile?” asked the stranger, entering the store. “Yes, yes,” replied the clerk. “Well, give me four yards of court plaster, six gallons of arnica, a bundle of cotton batting, and half a dozen cop ies of ‘First Aid to the Injured.’ ’’—Yon kers Statesman. Good Reason. “Why are you crying, little boy?” asked the tourist in Texas. “Boo-hoo!” sobbed the youngster, “the cyclone blew down every house in town but one.” “What one was that?” “The schoolhouse,” answered the boy. between his sobs.—Philadelphia Rec ord. Cause and Effect. Teacher was telling the class about the collar bone, and little Lucy’s chub by hand went up to ask permission to speak. “I know, teacher,’’ she lisped; “I know what people has when they breah the collar bone—they has the cholera morbus!”—N. Y. Times A THRESHOLD GREETING. Pretty Inotde»t «l! the Arrital of a Shipload of ImmlKranU In New York Harbor. An Italian emigrant steamer, every available foot of its deck space crowded with sea-worn passengers, steamed into New York harbor, and was making its way up to a North river dock. Just in midstream a double-decked ferry-boat, laden with commuters from New Jersey suburbs of the big metropolis, slowed up to allow the steamer to cross its bows, relates Youth’s Companion. For a moment or two the commuters, most of them New York business men on the way to their offices, stared with cool indifference at this shipload of peasant foreigners, many of them fresh from the slavery of Sicilian sulphur mines, others from the worn-out, tax-ridden fields of Calabria. In mute wonder, much as might so many round-eyed oxen, the immigrants gazed at the prosperous-looking inhabitants of the new land to which they had come. Then a young man on the upper deck of the ferry-boat, prompted perhaps by nothing better than a spirit of fun, waved a newspaper. That was enough. Those 2,000 voyage-wearied peasants, who had cut all ties of home and country, who had braved all the terrors of a trip across the big ocean to try their fortunes in a strange land among a strange people —they understood. The careless wav ing of that newspaper meant to them a friendly welcome from the kinsfolk of their adoption; it meant a cheery greet ing from the land of the free. Aiiu liuw uicj' uiu icdj/uuu; xii an xxi stant the crowded decks blazed with color, became alive with motion. A thousand gay-hued neck-handkerchiefs were in the air, a thousand battered hats were waving. High, shrill and clear lifted the joyous shouts from the crowded decks. There were smiles and jests and laughing. The new world has recognized them, had greeted them in friendly manner. Hur rah! All was well now. Across the narrow strip of water separating the two boats leaped the en thusiasm. It spread among the com muters. Cold indifference gave way to good-natured interest. Brokers, mer chants, bankers, clerks, young women stenographers—all caught the spirit of the moment. Silk hats, derbies and white handkerchiefs were waved in an swer to the salute of the poor immi grants. Between the two sets of passen gers, of course, was still a wide social gulf, but for the moment humanity bridged it clear and fair. If the immigrants went on to meet the vexations awaiting them at Ellis Is land with cheered hearts, so several hun dred New Yorkers took up the worries of a business day with the vague con sciousness of having participated in a kindly act. THE WINE SAMPLER’S JOB. Hot Such an Enviable Occupation aa Some Lovers of Grape Juice Imagine. “There’s only one job at the St. Louis exposition that I would like to get,” said a well-known man about town at his club, relates the Albany Journal, “and that is a wine sampler.” “You w'ould soon get sick of your job,” replied a fellow clubman. “There will be between 30,000 and 40,000 sam ples in the wine exhibit, and if you would be allowed to taste it in the ordi nary way your finish would be rapid. “I have heard the business de scribed, and as a matter of fact it is not customary in this operation to permit the wine tester to sip from each bottle and pronounce his judgment until his mind begins to wander and his tongue thicken. He does not swallow the wine at all. It is tasted, but never swallowed. After five or six samples have been ex amined the jurors will rest a few min utes, then eat a bit of cheese and a bis cuit, after which they rinse their mouths with mineral water and pro ceed as before. This is kept up from nine in the morning until noon. Per sons who can thus refrain from real in dulgence in the wine cup presented in this tantalizing manner are examples of abstinence which ought to inspire admiration for the race. “It is not every one who can thus tread near the danger and step back from the brink. With a man’s nose in the cup that inebriates he is generally a goner. It is as good as settled when he gets so far as to lay his hand upon the wicker door. The exhilarating ef fect of suffering a stream of some 50 or 100 different kinds of wine to pass be tween one’s lips even if refused admit tance at the inner portal, must be con siderable; and a layer of cheese, a layer of biscuit and a layer of mineral water continued for three hours, it would seem, would be a distressing ordeal. After the ‘bouquet’ of the cheese, what becomes of the bouquet of the wine? Thejfe are cheeses that make one quite oblivious of every other thing set on the table before one. I would have no confidence at all in the judgment of a Jury after the sixteenth round of cheese.” _ Rank. Higgins—Why do you encourage per sons to call you colonel? Wiggins—Because if folks called me by my army rank of major, people would think I was only a captain.—Boston Transcript. ,,'T'HAT’LL do now, Babe,” said 44 J[ the animal trainer, extricat ing himself from the serpen tine embrace of a great black trunk. "She’s very playful. Babe is,” he added, somewhat breathlessly, which was natural, for Babe and her mate had been playing ball with him, throw ing him from one to the other and catching him beautifully in a manner calculated to inspire a baseball rooter. “She’s a good deal friskier than Basil. You see, she’s only half as old as Basil, who is 60 this year.” Babe was stamping her foot, Just like an infant, and demanding more play. Frank Healey, the trainer, pat ted her on the trunk and said: “I guess she won’t be contented now till Evan comes around. He’s my son, you know, and he can do more with these two fel lows than I can.” So he sallied forth to find Evan, and his visitors went with him, expecting to see a big, husky animal trainer like his father. But all they saw was a yellow head full of curls peering shyly i ..— 1 ..1 I EVAN AND BASIL. from behind a tree and vanishing as soon as the strangers approached. Dragged forth finally by the arm, with his face turned bashfully away, behold Evan, aged four years and 11 months, master of the elephants. In the doorway of the elephant house the parental grasp relaxed and with a dive Evan got between the mighty wrinkled pillars that supported Babe. That playful young creature had her ▼ast ears thrust forward like immense banners. Her piggy eyes were all a-twinkle. She gurgled deep down in her caverns, like a mountain full of sizzling hot water. Gently, ever so gently, her big trunk with its pink orifice reached out and seized the little chap. Slowly she rocked him to and fro while he sat, holding to the trunk as calmly as other children would hold to the ropes of a swing. But Basil wanted a bit of it, too. She reached and pranced and trumpeted until Babe swung Evan over to her. A toss, and a catch, and Basil had the boy. Back and forth they swung him like a ball, but with a care and gentleness that seemed impossi ble in creatures so huge. A muttered word from Healey, and Basil lifted the little golden-haired trainer up, up, until she held him ten feet above the ground. Then the trunk curved backwards and set him as softly as if he were bisque on her big back. He sat there a few moments, slapping the leathery skin down the sloping back to the tail, swung from it as if it were a rope, and let himself drop to the ground, while Basil and Babe trumpeted and wagged their ears, watching for him to appear between their legs again. “Safe?” said Mr. Healey. “Why, of course. I’d rather have Evan play with the elephants than with other children. They take as good care of him as any nurse could. Every morning they are restless till he copies. And as for him, he is always in 'here*'" Hfe plays among their feet and lets them swing him on their backs all da:/ loffff. ‘fUey wouldn’t step on him, no indeed. They take more care not to hurt him than a human being would- See here.” He lifted the boy up to Babe’s left ear and commanded: “Listen, Babe. Something to say t5 you.” Babe stuck her fear ont and inclined her head toward the boy, while he talked Into her car. Then she nodded her head wisely and grunted. Healey dropped the boy. Evan stepped alongside of Babe and slapped her on the leg as high up as he could reach, which wasn’t higher than a short man’s knee. “Down, Babe, down,” he said. Babe looked at him with » funny look of appeal in her eye. She wiggled her tail and flirted her trunk and turned her head away, saying plainly. “Let’s talk of something else.” But the baby trainer was insistent. And Babe sighed—a rumbling, roaring sigh, as if a steam engine were to whisper: “Oh, my!" Then, with a weary grunt, she held her trunk out to him eoaxingly. But Evan only patted It and cried shrilly: “Down, Babe, I say.’V, So Babe, look ing as if she had no friend on earth, grunted once more and dropped labor iously to her fore kn$es. With anoth er plunge that shook the elephant house she let hersejf fall cumbrously on her side, ana stuck her four feet into the air. Then she held out her trunk and wiggled her upturned ear. Evan scrambled with hands and knees up her massive, throbbing side and perched himself, a little bright spot, on top of the great tonnage of black flesh. Then Basil had to go through the per formance and she, too, begged Evan to let her off, but finally did what she was bidden like a lamb. Each elephant at once searched his clothes for sugar when he let her get up. “Basil,” said Mr, Healey, “is one or the biggest elephants.in America now. She is a little more than nine feet bfgh, and Babe is almost as big, but 30 years younger. Basil and Evan have been friends almost since Evan was bom. He was born in Willis avenue. New York, and when he was only a few months old we came to Glen island and ever since then Evan and the elephants have played together. .When we find came here Basil learned to wheill 'ftvffn around In the baby carriage, and it soon got so th^,t we could tur^j, her loose with the littTfe one' and feel that he was safer in the protection of bis great nurse than he would have been under the care of any human attend ant. While the trainer was speaking#ie big brutes were jostling each other to reach Evan and tap him with *thelr trunks. He stood between their, .legs, leaning against them, and the <fle phants never movec| a limb witftout looking and feeling* to make sura Hat they would not step on him. it wasn’t possible to see a bit of him when he got well behind one of the huge legs, but he was the master of the elephants for all that—Kipling’s Toomall in real life. *•” <*■ He gets his love for animals legiti mately, for his father, has made.many trips to Asia and Africa to get wild animals for American shows, besides having been a collector of snakes and big reptiles In Cuba and South A®er* ica. He has been an unusually suc cessful animal trainer almost all his life, and Evan has made up^ his mind that he will become one, too.—N.' Y. Letter in Kansas City Star. __ —1 ■■■ —1- :~r f' PRIZES FOR BIGGEST FAMILIES Lincolnshire, England, Agricultural Society Awards Novel Premiums to Parents of Many Children. The Lincolnshire Agricultural society, which has concluded its annual exhibi tion at Lincoln, awarded premiums to laborers who had brought up and placed out the greatest number of children. The first prize went to Thomas Vought, of Tealby, Market Rasen, for 19 children born, 17 brought up, and 12 placed out. The second prize winner had la children, 13 brought up, and all placed out, while other competitors had 16, 14,13, and 12, there being ten entries for the prizes offered. Prizes were also awarded for length of service in one situation. The winners had records ranging from 41 to 57 years. A Matter of Business. “Fair creature, I adore you!’* “Oh, that’s all right, count. You go and talk it over with papa. Any arrangement you make with him will be satisfactory to me." — Chicago American. Knw Egg la * Tout*. ■ A raw egg is an excellent tonic aiHd is very strengthening. If prepared ha the following way it Is rdally a deflteloua drink: Put the yolk of an eg^ into a dish with a teaspoonful of white sugar and a teaspoonful of orange or lemon juice and beat lightly together with a fork. Put the white on a plate an4 add a pinch of salt; then, with a broad Waded knife, beat it to a stifT froth. New, as lightly as possible mix ail together in the dish, then as lightly transfer it to a clean tumbler, which it will nearly All if properly made. It ^rnst not stand in a warm place, as It soon becomes liquid and loses its-' snowy look. T Any fruit juice may be used in place of orange or lemon! 1 -iir > i 4 .v Chains Cut from Body. A singular operation has just 'been performed on a young woman iua hos pital of Kostow, Rugsift. She had made a vow in case some winx was1 granted to wear chains about her body for two years. At the end of that time th^.Aesh had grown up arpujid each link of the chain. The operation proved "delicate and difficult. The youag woman is 21 years old. ..