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Foor Mr. Beach!
Helen, aged five, is a quaint child, who spends much time chatting with the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Beach, who has no children. “Do you have family prayers before breakfast, Mrs. Beach?” “No,” responded that lady. “Do you have family prayers after breakfast?” “No.” With an uplifted admonitory finger, she asked: “Can’t Mr. Beach pray?” —Woman’s Home Companion. Model of Economy. “I think the most penurious man I ever knew*,” remarked the man in the mackintosh, “was old Hewligus. He smoked his cigars to the last half inch, chewed the stumps, and used the ashes for snuff. But he wasn’t satisfied even then, and gave up the habit.” “What for?” asked the man with the big Adam’s apple. “He couldn’t think of any way to utilize the smoke.” —Tit-Bits. A Mnsical Home. “Are there any musicians in yonr family?” “One—my daughter.” “What docs she play on?” “On Mondays, Tuesday, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays—a. m. and p. m.” “Gracious! She doesn’t take much rest, does she?” “No, and she doesn’t give anybody else much.” —Kansas Citj r Journal. Caution. “W’hat!” cried the chief of detec tives, “you say the man you saw had on the regulation striped suit?” “Yes, sir,” replied the new sleuth. “Why didn’t you arrest him, then? Couldn’t you see he was the escaped convict we’re after?” “O! but you know, you can’t always judge a man by his clothes.” —Phila- delphia Press. Fate of a Coward. “Don’t you kiss me!” she cried, as she sprang from his side. “Why, I had no such thought,” answered he. Now, forgive him she could had he kissed her—and would— But to say the temptation he’d calmly with stood Was too much, so she “shook” him, you see. —Philadelphia Bulletin. A LATER ATTACHMENT. He —You said once you loved me more than anything else in the world. She —But IJiat, my dear, was before I found Fido. —Chicago Chronicle. % . What Happened. She pressed her ruby lips to his In one ecstatic kiss; They seemed at peace with all the world, Eurapt in-holy bliss, But, with the osculation o’er. It was not hard to find That, though she took her lips away. The ruby stayed behind! —Smart Set. Tbe War It Worki. Mrs. Korseley —1 never see your lady friend with you now. Miss Cunnen—No, but you may have noticed my lady friend’s gentleman friend with me, so she’s my lady enemy now-Tit-Bits. A Fair Tfield. “I never saw a man with such a head for business,” said the first fly. “Smart, is he?” queried the other. “O! I mean for our business. He’s so very ’bald-headed.” Philadelphia Press. A Pertinent Query. “I will show you,” said the get-ricS quick man, ‘‘how to make a hundred thousand dollars.” “Do you really know how it can bi done?” asked the unsophisticated one “Sure.” “Then why don’t you make it foi yourself, instead of passing the good thing out to me?” For, after all, the unsophisticated one had a pretty good head on him.— Brooklyn Eagle. The Absent-Minded Snake. A snake with a bright yellow spot Once tied himself up In a knot. When asked: “Why Is this?” He replied, with a hiss: “That errand must not be forgot.’* —Columbus Dispatch. A LOAD OF TROUBLE. Dolly Dimple —I read to-day that the men outnumber the fair sea so greatly in South Africa that they are considering importing a shipload of women. Von Benedict —Oh! They’re used to war down there, I suppose. —Chi- cago Chronicle. A Calamity in Brief. A man once owned a balky mule That blandishments resisted. And, losing patience, he grabbed hold Upon his tail and twisted. Whereon the mule looked back on him In mild, reproving sorrow. And if the sad remains come down. The funeral’s to-morrow. —Baltimore News. Useless Accomplishment. “You want to learn to spell better, Bessie,” said the mother, looking over her school report. “Oh, 1 don’t care, mamma.” “But you don’t want to grow up and not know how r to spell, my child, do you?” “Yes, I do; I’m going to be a type writer, mamma.” —Yonkers States man. ‘‘Abandon Hope All Ye.” Mrs. Maidwunn —Dearest, tell me, would you really rather be married than engaged? Mr. Maidwunn (promptly)—Why married, dear, of course, wouldn’t you? Mrs. Maidwunn —Oh-h-h, I don’t know. When you’re engaged there’s always something to hope for! Town Topics. Borrower's Friendship. “Squiggles is such a good hearted fellow that he never manages to keep any friends.” I should imagine that such a generous temperament would create friends.” “Not at all. He’s foolish enough to lend them money, and after that they hardly recognize him any more.” —Bal- timore Herald. Old Friends. Barker —Come over here, old man, I want to introduce you to my wife. Parker —Oh. I know Mrs. Barker already. We were engaged for three months in the summer of 1894.—Som erville Journal. One of Many. She —If you were in hard luck would you be willing to work for your board? He —Yes, if I could find some on® to work. —Cincinnati Enquirer. Continued In Oar Next. Dinwit —Say, our backbones are like serial stories, aren’t they? Thinwit —Prove it. Dinwit —Continued in our ncckau-* Harvard Lampoon, j . GENIUS IN CONVICT GARB. Man r Useful Inventions Are tho Work of Criminals la Dif ferent Prisons. - • It not infrequently happens that men immured behind iron bars* in our prisons give to the world inventions whose value it would be difficult to es timate, says the Chicago Chronicle. One of the most important of recent minor inventions is credited to the in genuity of a convict in the New Jersey state prison—Charles Filer. It is a blind lockstitch sewing machine which will enable one operator to do the work of many. The device was invented by Filer while he was at work in the cloth ing shop of the prison. Outside capital w as interested in the machine and Filer received' as? his reward a cash payment of $5,000, a block of stock, his parole and the promise of a position with the company at a good salary. Other convicts have figured in patent office reports ad inventors. One whose name is recalled was Melchior Farker, •who, while confined in a Hungarian penitentiary in 1892, devised a mechan ism for giving a man a clean shave in 25 seconds. The cable report assured us that the governor of the peniten tiary had tested the machine and de clared it a success, but what came of it is unknown. A convict of a mechanical turn of mind is apt to find his confinement and his isolation from deterring influences most helpful in enabling him to acquire greater facility. The exhibition by the prison association of articles made by convicts contained specimens of high class work done behind the prison bars. Among them were an elaborate iron door grill, a richly carved oak staircase, chairs, desks, banjoes, cabinets, iron bedsteads, plaster casts, etc. A piece of cloth woven at Auburn came in for the highest praise. Richard Barker, a life convict at Auburn, made a box out of 11,796 separate pieces of wood which was a marvel of skillful cabinet work. It required a glass to see where the dif ferent fragments of wood were joined together. In the year 1885 the goods manufactured by the convicts of the state of New York were vaiued at $6,- 236,320. NOBLES DO MENIAL WORK. Thousand* of German Aristocrats Are Serving a* Waiter* in Amer ican Restaurant*. We have always been conscious of the suggestion that a member of the German nobility might be waiting upon us at the restaurants and hotel cafes, but were in nowise prepared tc learn from the publication of the last number of Perthe’s almanac of the German nobility that they were num bered by thousands in the United States, says the St. Louis Globe-Demo crat. From occasional glimpses of only partially concealed and fleeting expressions on the faces of attendants on the table at dining resorts we have caught the fancy that something they had observed was not according to the best forms they were accustomed to at court. There is, too, sometimes a marked distinction and even a lordly air with which they “swat” out the chair with the napkin from over the shoulder as you approach. Herr Von Nordego of Berlin, commenting on the publication of the statements in Perthe’s Almanac, laments that so many of the lower ranks of the German nobility are com pelled to come to this country and en gage in service of this sort. But when the comfortable, sometimes princely, incomes received by waiters in the first class restaurants from the liberality of guests is considered, there appears no demand for sympathy. One head waiter in New York, it has been proven by a suit brought in court, received $20,000 a year in tips. From this imperial income down through all the gradations there are thousands who draw' emoluments equal to those of good-salaried positions. The con nections of persons of European rank and station with these resorts of Amer ican w’ealth and fashion is to the mutual enjoj'ment and profit of each. It is elevating to the ruder civilization of the western world to be brought into such contact, particularly financially elevating. So long as both sides seem satisfied Herr Von Nordego ought to content himself. How Jackson. Turned It. An Episcopal clergyman, of Cincin nati, was being shaved by a barber who was addicted to occasional sprles. The razor manipulator cut the parson’s face quite consider ably. “You see, Jackson, what comes from taking too much drink,” said the man of God. “Yes, sah,” replied Jackson; “it do make de skin very tendah, sah. It do for a fack.”—Saxby’s Magazine. p A Training Tabic. “Friend of mine to-day,” said Mr. Kidder, “was talking of coming here to board.” “I hope,” remarked Mrs. Starvem, “you were pleased to recommend our table, and —” “Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He’s a pugilist, and wants to increase his reach.”-—Cath olic Standard and Time*. DELVING FOR POWER Political Moles of Both Parties Are Busily at Work, Mow a Successful Presidential Boom la Created, Expanded and Trans formed Into a Potent Reality. [Special Washington Letter.] THE political moles are burrow ing deep down beneath the presidential pastures, where they would not be discovered, nor suspected, but for the work of inim ical political ferrets. They are unlike the coyotes and gophers who abrade the surface sward, but delve far, lar below. One of the wonder-workers in the political world is the senior senator from Ohio, the man who from ob scurity stepped into national fame early in 1896 as the manager of the McKinley campaign for nomination. The old-time politicians thought that he could soon be disposed of; but they found that for three years Mark Hanna had been burrowing for dele gates to the national convention. And when that great aggregation of politicians met in St. Louis Hanna had complete control of the situation. Politicians do not rest during the Lenten season, nor for any other season. They are not primarily re ligious, although some of them are nicely veneered with churchly in-go ings and out-comings. Primarily, the3’ are self-seeking and ambitious, ready to sacrifice others, even good friends, for their own advancement. The most successful of them are al ways burrowing for future prefer ments. Senator Davis, of Minnesota, once said to the narrator: “I went to church this morning, just for a few minutes. I sat up last night until after midnight thinking over the ap plicants for an office. Having con cluded that a certain man should have preferment, 1 went to bed and slept as calmly as a child. After late breakfast this morning I lighted a cigar and took a walk. Just as I was passing a church, memory called up a picture of my first election to the senate. One of the candidates for office had sacrificed a great deal for me at that time, and I remembered having said: ‘lf ever you need a friend, rely on Cush Davis.’ And yet, because another had seemed to me to be of greater future value, I had made up my mind to turn that friend coldly down. I went into church, stayed until the conclusion of service, came home and concluded to have my former helpful friencf appointed. So, you see, once in awffiile conscience will make even a politician do the right thing.” Well, while ambitious men are bur rowing for the presidency, all of ARTHUR PUE GORMAN. (Senator from Maryland and Prince of Campaign Managers.) them are denying their ambition. Senator Hanna, the greatest burrow cr of them all, keeps gravely quiet and affects indifference to the quest. But there are surface indications which point to his ambition in that direction. An old politician here to day called the attention of the writer to one very interesting fact. He aaid: “Do you remember that last Oc tober the physicians informed Sena tor Hanna that he must quit politics and go to bed, because of danger from heart failure? Well, what did Hanna do? He went home for only a couple of days, and then appeared on the hustings in Indiana to help his friend Senator Fairbanks; and he was so weak that he was obliged to quit speaking in the midst of one of bis addresses. What did he make that effort for in Indiana?” But the chief burrowers are on the other political side, and all of them seem to believe that the democratic presidential nomination will be worth striving for fiext year. Senator Gor man, of Maryland, who is close to the national capital; Mr. Hearst, Judge Farker and Mr. Hill, all of New York; Mr. Olney, of Massachusetts; Mr. Cleveland, of New Jersey, and Mr. Bryan, of Nebraska, are all of them standing,right in the line .where the presidential lightning is expected to strike. 2Rw you would like to know how this burrowing is done. It is a great game, and is very well understood in this center of politics as well as of statecraft. The stimulus for all poli ticians is the federal patronage. Every politicial worker wants an office. There is a blue book published by the national government every two years, and it contains lists of all of the federal office-holders, even down to the lowliest and lowest-paid. The big politicians employ little poli ticians to take up certain parts of this blue book, and go to work on the former office-holders. For ex ample, suppose that Mr. Olney, of Massachusetts, wants to get the dele gates from the state of Illinois to smpport him for the presidency in the next national convention. The blue book will give the namei of 2,000 postmasters in Illinois who held office during the last Cleveland GROVER CLEVELAND. (Stands Right Where Presidential Light ning May Strike Him.) administration. It will give the names of all other office-holders, and each one of them must have been a democrat of some consequence, to have secured an office. Each one of those office-holders must be com municated with, either directly or in directly. He must be assured that if he will get out and hustle and work for Olney he can again be post master, or held some other office equally good. Now', unless Mr. liearst, or Mr. Cleveland, or some other candidate will get in ahead of him, Mr. Olney can form quite a strong army of politicians who can control the next state convention and name Olney delegates to the na tional convention. The delegates are almost all bought with offices or with the hope of office. Sometimes they change, but usually they remain true to the individuals to whom they pledge themselves. Lewis Cass, of Michigan, bought supporters with of fices, and he said: “An honest poli tician is one who will stay bought.’* Gathering in delegates more than a year in advance is one of the new tricks in politics which Mr. Hanna developed previous to 1896. Those who are far-sighted enough to do this systematically have what is called “a good organization.” That is to say, that if one has an organ ized army of ex-postmasters, all of them hungering for political flesh pots, he is a political general with whom one must reckon. In the state of Pennsylvania there arc 5,000 postmasters and about 1,500 deputy postmasters. These, with the other federal and state office-holders, make an organized army of political workers numbering upwards of 10,- 000 men, all of them working to re tain their positions, and all of them under the skillful direction of Sena tor Quay; and yet people outside of that state wonder that Quay always succeeds. Early in March, soon after his re entry into the senate. Senator Gor man, of Maryland, said to Champ Clark, of Missouri: “William Jen nings Bryan must be reckoned with. While his friends may not constitute the necessary tw'o-thirds to nominate in a national convention he will un doubtedly have more than a major ity in the convention next year, and will be able to dictate the platform. Whoever overlooks this all-important fact will find himself hopelessly in a minority w'hen the convention gets down to actual work,” From this it is apparent that Mr. Gorman realizes, and fully under stands, that Mr. Bryan is burrowing also for delegates, although not for the purpose of forcing his renomina tion. It means that the eloquent Ne braskan intends to remain a dom inant factor in his party. And so, while.all of the others are burrowing for delegates to gain the presidential nomination, the astute politician from Maryland says that “Bryan must be reckoned with.” When it is recalled that Mr. Gorman is the only man who has been able to lead his party to success in presiden tial campaigns, for welimgh 50 years, it may be well for all of the other burrowers to hearken to hia words of wdsdom. And it is worthy of note also that while Mr. Gorman thus respectfully takes off his hat to Bryan that worthy in his weekly pa per sfcys that “Gorman was regular, but not too regular,” SMITH D. FRY. .