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Wife —I hope you talked plainly to him. Husband—l did, indeed. I told him he was a fool, a perfect fool. Wife (approvingly) —Dear John! How exactly like you!—Punch. His Harvest. “Hurrah!” cried a jubilant plumber. “We've bidden farewell to the sumber; A pipe 1 shall mend. And then I shall send A bill that Is truly a humber,” —Puck. Fully Appreciated. “Mr. Scrapem.” said the hostess to an amateur violinist at an evening gather ing. “you play the violin, do you not?” “Yes, after a fashion, you know,” was the modest reply. “How nice!” murmured half the com pany. “Did you bring your violin with you?” “No; I did not.” “How nice! ” murmured the other half of the company in fervent unison.—Gal veston News. Putting It Delicately. “Henry,” said Mrs. Fussy, as they went in to dinner, “I wish you would tell Willie in some way, so It will not offend him, that he takes too much sugar in his coffee. It isn’t good for him, and I know his mother wouldn’t allow it.” “Willie,” said Mr. Fussy a few min utes later, turning to the young nephew who was visiting him. “you don’t mix quite enough coffee with your sugar.”— Chicago Record-Herald. Why They Laughed. “Lately,” said the chairman of a cer tain milk dealers’ association, “there has been a phenomenal demand for milk at our farm, and to stem the flow ing tide of orders that threatens to sub merge us we have been obliged, meta phorically speaking, to call all hands to the pump!” Roars of laughter—which the chair man heard in pain and surprise.—Chi cago Journal. FIREMEN WERE HANDICAPPED. He—Sad about the church organ being burned down, wasn’t it? She —Why couldn’t they put it out? He —Because none of the firemen could play on it. —Ally Sloper. Decoration. It was a raw and gusty day, for Greece, and the wood-nymphs shivered miser ably. But they laughed in derision when clothing was suggested. “Nothing,” they exclaimed, “could make us more ineffective for mural deco ration in the homes of American multi millionaires.” What is grander than fidelity to a dire destiny?—Puck. Contingent. “What is the meaning of ‘contraband of war’?” asked the man in search of Information. “It all depends,” said the man with Information on tap. “For instance, it you are at war, and some country wants to sell coal to your enemy, coal is con traband. If you are at peace, and want to sell coal to some country that’s at war, it isn’t contraband. Seer —Chi cago Tribune. That Was Different. Critic —Pardon me for saying so, but in this autumn landscape your colors do not seem to harmonize. Artist —They don’t? Why, those col ors are copied with absolute fidelity from nature. Critic —W’oll —er —you know nature can take liberties of that sort that are not allowed to the rest of us.—Chicago Tribune. A Fellow Feeling. Gus de Smith—How do you like your new horse, Miss Fanny? Fair Equestrienne —He does not ride so easy as expected. He tugs at the bit, and acts as if he wanted to run away with me. Gus de Smith —I don’t blame him. If I had his chances I’d do it, too. —Tit-Bits. The Distinction. Mr. Weyl (just back from a hunt) — Wife, can you tell me the difference be tween a dead bird-dog and a quail on toast ? Mrs. Weyl—Both are dead ones. I sup pose? Mr. Weyl—The one is a good dog gone, the other is doggone good. —Puck. Not for Him. The Man—So you’re the applicant for office boy, are you? The Boy—Yes, sir. “Do you whistle?” “Oh, say, boss, if it’s de kind of a Job where a feller’s expected to whistle for his money, why, I don’t want it!”— Yonkers Statesman. AND HE WAS PROUD OF IT. “What medal is that you are wear ing?” “It’s a medal our cow won at the cat tie show.” —Comic Cuts. Giving the Bride Away. “Who gave the bride away ?” asked the belated wedding guest. “Her little brother,” explained the man who had a front seat. “The boy ran down the aisle right in the middle of the ceremony with a parcel in his hand and told her she had forgotten her hair.” — Tit-Bits. The Coy Widow. Widow —Do you know that my daugh ter has set eyes upon you? Gentleman flattered) Has she 1 really? Widow —Certainly; only to-day she was saying: “That’s the sort of a gen tleman I should like for my papa.”—Tit- Bits. In the Interests of Harmony. “What do you think of the nobleman whom your daughter is to marry?" “I refuse to be interviewed,” answered Mr. Curarox. “There is a tacit under standing between the young man and myself that neither of us will express his opinion of the other.” —Washington Star. The Worst Day of All. “It is strange,” said the minor poet, with an important air, “but there are days that I cannot write at all.” “Me, too,” replied the plain person, “and Wednesday’s the worst of all, I ’most generally write the ‘n’ before the ‘d.’ ” —Leslie’s Weekly. Where Amateurs Abound. “Is the hunting season dangerous around here?” asked the rabbit, who had just moved into the neighborhood. “No, not for us,” replied the old timer. “But it’s painful to see the poor dogs being shot all to pieces.”—Cincinnati Commercial Tribune. Plausible Theory. Elsie —What is your idea as to the meaning of the term “platonic affec tion?” Polly—lt usually means that the young man in the case would rather sit by your fire than buy his own coal.— Chicago News. Getting the News. First War Correspondent—Say. old man, I’ve just got a bundle of newspa pers from home. Second Correspondent—Thank good ness! Now we’ll be able to learn som thing of what is going oa at the front— Tit-Blla. CABLES OF HUMAN HAIR. Buddhist Women Sacrifice Thoii Crowning Glory to Make Building Hawsers. There was one material that the builders considered of sufficient strength for this purpose, and that was human hair, and they thought that thick cables made of human hair would be sufficiently strong. The edict went forth, writes a Tokyo correspond ent of the Indianapolis Sentinel, that they wanted hair, and plenty of it, and the women from all the neighbor ing provinces denuded themselves of the locks which they had made their chief ornament, and on which they were accustomed to lavish so much care and labor (as I have before men tioned), that they soon had hair enough, and made it into 29 gigantic hawsers, with which they raised into place the immense timbers, and the hawsers are there, in one of the store houses, to verify this story. Now, here is something really touching: The devotion of these poor Buddhist women, to whom the saying, “Wom an’s crowning glory is her hair,” ap plies possibly more forcibly than to those of any other race, unhesitating ly sacrificing that on which they were In the habit of bestowing so meph care, and which they undoubtedly re garded as one of their chief charms, if not their greatest charm, because they were thus doing something, and making a personal sacrifice for their religion, in their losing what had from childhood been a part of themselves. And one pauses to ask the question whether the women of American, under similar circumstances, would rise to the height of such unselfish nobility of character as did these poor, unedu cated (as we view education) natives of these oriental islands. I have to sorrowfully admit that in my humble opinion they would not. They would not be such wonderful idiots, notwith standing they could go downtown and buy another head of hair just as good. They would very sensibly question the sanity of any builders who would sug gest a thing of that kind, and go on fixing up those little furbelow's, or “fixings,” or whatever they are termed, that cluster around their fair faces and make them “yea. verily, fair to look upon,” and would ask, “What is the matter with iron or wire?” This is said to have occurred not centuries ago, but in our own lifetime, and so the touchingness of the incident rather disappears after a few reflec tions of this nature. There were the coils of the immense hawsers, though, weighing tons and tons, and if one reflects how much human hair it re quires to weigh a pound, and then think what one ton would require, when he is shown these many tons lying there, he would probably do as I did, endeavor to feel of the cable, and probably come to the conclusion, as I did, that it was composed very largely of hemp, or something of that kind, although there was some hairy fiber in it, which might have been horse hair as well as human hair. I have given you the story, however, just as it is told, with the tons of rope as corroborative evidence. MUSHROOMS OVERRATED. Faddists Who Consider Them Supe k rior to Meat Are Making 9 a Mistake.- The mushroom gatherers, in the dewy September morning, were to be seen in the green meadows everywhere, says the Louisville Courier-Journal. A physician drew up his horse to watch them. Then he said: “Most of these people are faddists — food faddists. They abhor meat and cof fee and wine. Lentils and mushrooms are, in their opinion, superior to a good steak or a roast leg of lamb. “So far as mushrooms go, the faddists are in the wrong. All who consider mushrooms an exceedingly nourishing food are in the wrong. A number of analyses of these growths have recently been made and the analyses prove that it requires ten pounds of mushrooms to equal in nourishment one pound of steak. “Get tip at daybreak and gather mushrooms if you will. Eat them if you will. But don’t imagine, as you fill your plate with the lungoids, that you are devouring a kind of Divine manna, a dish running over with muscle-mak ing, brain-building properties. “A glass of milk, an egg, a piece of steak, a plate of oatmeal, a chop—any one of these things would do you more good than two quarts of mushrooms.” Where the Shoe Pinches. Wade —What’s the matter, old man? You look as cross as two sthicks. Bender —You’d be cross, too! I lost my gold collar stud, and was search ing and searching— “ Why, you’ve got it on now!” “Yes, that’s it! I found it just where my wife said it was at first”—Smith’s Weekly. In Corroboration, Tather—But I am afraid he is a young man of fickle character! Daughter—Oh, no, he isn’t father. Why, he has smoked the same brand of cigarettes for nearly six months! Cas sell’s Journal. CURRENT CURIOS. In tha Stonewall mine, San Diego county, California, an earthquake so twisted the shaft that the timbers were pulled around to the opposite sides of the shaft from their original position. Residents of Paonia, Col., claim that the largest apple 4n the world was raised in that district this year. It is of the Wolf river variety and weighs 31% ounces. Fine large strawberries were picked in Paonia the third week in Oc tober. The keeper of the lighthouse near Crescent City, Cal., reports a battle be tween a sea Mon and an octopus. The octopus wound its tentacles around the lion’s body, but the lion bit off one of them after the other and ate them. Others then helped to dispose of the sea lion’s carcass. A telegraph operator at Prairie du Chien, Wis., was ordered to stop a train because there was trouble on the tracks ahead. He did not have time to set his signals, so threw a lantern through the window of the cab and the engineer took the hint, stopped and averted a bad ac cident. The biggest beehive in is a natural one, in Kentucky, known as the "Mammoth Beehive.” It is in reaolity a huge cave, the main compartment of which is 150 feet Wgh, the floor covering ten acres in extent. The beehive is of solid rock, the roof having been entirely honeycombed by bees. Just as a chimney was about to fall on the head of Gen. F. C. Prescott, as he walked along a street in San Ber nardino, Cal., R. Kennedy, his rival in candidacy for the assembly, rushed up. dragged him away and saved his life. Prescott wanted to withdraw at once from the canvass in favor of Kennedy, but Kennedy would not have it so. The University of Washington is in vestigating the discovery—testified to by “dozens of miners” —that a live toad vras found on October 10 in the coal mines at Newton, six miles from Seattle. In a solid stratum of coal, 300 feet below the surface. It was carried to the sur face and lived several hours. It is said to have been of unusual size. He Couldn’t Say, Dolly—l believe there is a fool in every family. Don’t you? The Captain—Well —er—my opinion iS- rather biased. You see, I’m the only child.. —Smith’s Weekly. A A fl"JrnHi IA r™ IbAdlUmA I * l H For Infants and Children. 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WfW TO— OffUT. o between th tnv those of other makes and the high-grade feathers used, you would under- Wh* w m m TOrt more to make, why they hold their shape, fit better, wear •<■.. *>• ****<>*, iau dprlc. on tb.bottom, look tor tt take no substitute. Sold by shoe dealers everywhere. SUPERIOR IN FIT, CO AND WEAR. m t htrm* (mm ir L. Doualas 53.89 then for the last twelve years with ahtelui* g-,fc.SSSft"ftaa < * m — - . - ...*** —— WITH DUKES AND THINGS- Nawcomer in Society Who Got Mixed Up with Persona of Title. Mrs. Porkdollars has not aa yet got over the novelty of riches. At the same time she is not inclined to admit this, and it u her great desire, relates London Answers, that the society with which she is now entitled to mix by virtue of her hus band's wealth shall think she was hors in the purple. Recently she was at a big dinner party, and as she was being piloted from draw ing-room to dining-room, she noticed a marble bust on one of tue pillars in the hall. “Do you know who that is?" she in quired of her cavalier. “That is Marcus Aurelius," was the an swer. “Oh, ia it, now?" ejaculated the lady. “But can you tell me," she added prompt ly, “whether it is the present markia or the late markis? I do get so mixed up with your dukes and things!" Time to Move. “I waa moved once by the notes of a little bird," said the romantic young man. “So was I," spoke his friend. “Canary bird?'' “No, cuckoo. I was calling on my girl and when the cuckoo called 11 times I knew it was my move." —Chicago Daily News. * Good News for All. Bradford, Tenn., Nov. 21 (Special),— Scientific research shows Kidney Trouble to be the father of so many diseases that news of a discovery of a sure cure for ifc cannot fail to be welcomed all over the country. And according to Mr. J. A. Davis of this place just such a cure is found in Dodd’s Kidney Pills. Mr. Davia says: “Dodd’s Kidney Pills are all that is claimed them. They have done me more food than anything I have ever taken, had Kidney Trouble very Dad and after taking a few boxes of Dodd’s Kidney Pills I am completely cured. I cannot praise them too much." Kidney Complaint develops into Bright’s Disease, Dropsy, Diabetes, Rheu matism, and other painful and fatal dis eases. The safeguard is to cure your kidneys with Dodd’s Kidney Pills when they show the first symptom of disease. The man who thinks he is the boss of the house because he is the bread-winner should be taught that he has not half the dough of the bread baker. —Chicago Jour nal. Piso’sCure cannot be too highly spoken of as n cough cure. —J. W. O’Brien, 322 Third Ave., N., Minneapolis, Minn., Jan. 6, 1900. A woman can forgive her husband for being a bear at home if he will only make love to her when they are out ia i company.—Chicago Record-Herald.