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TTTE GIiBE.HHIPltegJgnBinST)AY MORNDrg. OCTOBER 17, 1886.
I I -1 1 U t:. fc sf 9 . V v PV ONE WILDCAT BY K,ST. API t by Humorous Cltlirns of Onntow to Get Itld or a. 1-a.tiiiattt-r. Ooatow.v, X. St., Oct. a The postmaster hers died about a j ear ago, anil considerable trouble lias lat-n experiMicl in (linling a new oho wno woum ue Mitbractory awl com- petent For a long time there was 1,0 an- pointment, the diminutive weekly mail beinir opened on arrival by the lirst man who hap- H-ned to get it. At length the people con cluded to petition for the np-jomtimiit of Sim Duff, who kt-e-8 a aaluoii here. He was a Jatksoi Democrat, and his standing in the community was good. The only other men in town w ho hail the facilities for keeping the ofilce were another saloon kecjier named Frit and a grocer, who aLo kept liquor, named Bo-be. As the request for DuiTs apioint ntent rnw alimtst unanimous it was supposni that he would get the place, but after a while lkvbe u a. appointed, as the special agent at Kanta Fe explain!, because DuSt kept a saioou, and it was against the policy of the administration to appoint saloon keepers. That made everybody mad. Beebe had ne er lieen popular, was unable to read or write, and was, moreoi er, a very stupid fel low, not more than half wilted, as some peo ple said. To get even with all hands the citizens held a meeting and put up a job, which was some time in coming to a head. Beelie, in the meantime, had received his commission and was doing his le.t with the mails. One day last week old llerrick Price, w ho used to In o in Tennessee, dime up in front ot Beetle's place, hitched his horses, and yanked a yo jng wildcat out of his wagon. The liea-t was frisky and ugly, but apjiarently not danger ous. On his collar was a card bearing the address: To the President of the United States, from the grateful Democratic citizens of Gun town, N. M.: A natural curiosity. Democratic from tip to tip. Fed him and treat him gently. He is usnl to luxury. Pulling the boast into the postoflice, old man Price askod what the postage on him VThaC the pottage on himl would be. Beebo didn't know. Ho had never handled any wildcats before. Well, Price had. Ho hail mailed one to Mr. Arthur, and before his day the boys had sent a bear to Gen. Grant. He wanted to know what the tax would be. Beebo opened a book and pretended to reaL Then ho looked at the wildcat, and next at Price. At length ho stammered out something to the efTecrXhat it would probably bo about ten stamps. Price bought the stamjn, stuck them on the cot's collar, and turned him over to the ost master, with an injunction to bo careful of hftn. That afternoon when the mail carrier came along he refused to take the animsl, Beebo swore that he should, liecauso the postage hod been paid. The driver said ho woukl lick Beebo ttrst, whereupon the postmaster, who was a man of high temper, struck tho driver in the face. A tight ensued, and while it was in progress the wildcat got mad and ran into tho grocery, where ho crawled under a counter. When Beebo and tho mail carrier hail settled their differences, tho former went after the cat, but was soon warned by tho animal's demeanor that intimacy with him was not safe. By this time the town was on the outside watching the fun. The driver and Beebo tried various experi ments in the hope of getting the beast out, but without success, until at length they hit upon the plan of putting a big leather mail bag near him with a piece of meat in it, the idea being that he would dash into the bag for tho meat ami they could then close it quickly and thu-i have him securely done up for his long journey. The plan worked to perfection, and a few minutes later the cron d in front had the pleasure of seeing tho driver and Beebe emerge, carrying the bag contain ing tho compliments of the citizens of Gun town. To simplify matters Beebe had at tached to the lag a card on which tho mail carrier had written: 1 WILLD CATT IXCIDE. : : roAST fade. : When the bag had been deposited in tho wagon and the driver had whipped up his horses and vanished, tho citizens called on Beebe and congratulated him on his success in his new place. Then all hands went away and awaited developments These came to-day, w hen a special agent arrived, deposed Beebe, and commissioned Duff as postmaster. He said it was a choice of evils, but that in a town like this it was necessary to have a man who knew the differ ence between fourth class matter and live stock. When the wildcat in the bog reached Santa Fe nobody would touch the beast, and at length, on the advice of citizens, the mail carrier threw the whole outfit into a cistern, from which the bag and the defunct wildcat were Ashed the next morning. Duff is now doing the honors here for the United States government, and everybody is bappy except Beeba. New York Sim. Qnrer Wrinkles. Miss Ethel Have you and G-orge had a quarrel, Clara? Miss Clara No, indeed. It is getting too near Christmas for mo to quar rel with George, dear fellow. rOKCED rOLTITXESS. Mrs. Hendricks, the landlady, and Mrs. Simpson, who keeps a rival establishment around the corner, were returning from market when Dumlcy chanced to meet tbem. He almost swept the ground with his bat. "That is Mr. Dumley, my fourth floor back," explained Mrs. Hendricks. "Indeed I" said Mrs. Simpson; "what a very polito and defer ential young man." "He is three weeks bo hind with his board," replied Mrs. Hendricks j-nmly. MX C5EABSID BEPCTAT10X. Feathcrly was blowing his tea to cool it off, while Bobby regarded him with intense in terest. "What's the matter, Bobertr said the old man. "Don't you know that it is very impolite to stare at a person in that way F "Huh r responded Robby. Tou said Le was the biggest blower in town. He cant blow any harder'n I can." conn WASTED. Wife (just homo from tV camp meeting) We have had such a glorious meeting to-day. Tou know what an invalid Mrs. Benton has been for fifteen years! Husband Yes. "Wife Well, If there ever were saints on earth, she's one of them. She says that she has sat all through those long years in her invalid inclining chair without a murmur, and in perfect peace and contentment. Hus band (very much interested) Is it possible! I wish you woull get the name and address of tho man who made that chair. Xew York Sun. Kt'blna for llrekrtt. It is said that people who fee this chefs of soma of the Saratoga hotels are served with robins for breakfast "on the quiet." A man who eats a robin ought to choke overU. An extract similar to Liebig's extract ol beef is now made from whale fish, and li Hid to be just u good. jTost -(3)Jcg BULLUM VERSUS BOATUM. TlVO lteurrected Lrgi.l Stories that I Ainuketl Our Gramlfalliem. When wo were boys there was current a celebrated legal ca.se, which was at once the wonder and horrorof the age. It was known as the famous bull and boat case, or, to givo to legal title, Bullum vs. Boatuni. The facts ere U"se: In the 1ftict ya,aSe ot Iydown lived William Jones and Thomas Smith. Jones was the owner of a fragile boat and Smith was the proprietor of a raging bulk One evening Jonet, who had been isiting his girl on the other side of the river, tied up his boat to tho shoro with a rope made of hay. He, I mean the bull, was (risking his tail in tho breeze with a doos-any-fellow-want-a-horn sort of an air. He suddenly smelt hay, and following his nose he discos ered tfio boat and tho liaj lun.L As a matter of course, he tasted this new kind of rojie, and he found the ends so succu lent that he commenced to eat tho coils around the post; and in order to do this thing thoroughly, be stepped on board the boat. As ho bit, nibbled, pulled and chawed, ( wou-(j i,ave to follow thera through the dew the roi broke, and the next moment tho terry patch in his bare legs, for Cincinnatus uuoiuiramiorini inou, mucu ..- iur I a bull) carried tho boat and the bull into tho cvnUrof tho rher. Tho bull no sooner felt ' Hint ii lm-lr tvna tm tli "nvsw thnn li that his "liark was on the wnves" than ho tried to kick the boat back again into its place; and as he plunged an ay, fore and oft, his hind legs went through the bottom, the His hind legs tornf through, boat turned upside down, and not being able to swim with his legs in the air, he was drowned. Boat and bull were afterward found lying dead in each other's arms or legs. Then came tho suit. Jones swxl Smith for the value of tho boat, and Smith sued Jones for the worth of tho bull. This is the great case of Bullum vs. Boatum. It was argued fifteen times before a full bench, that is to say, each occupant of the bench was f ulL First camo the argument for the bull: "Tho bull," roared his counsel, "was strictly within his rights. He was exercising his legs in the evening. Hav was his natural food. The right to eat hay w as given him by Magna Charta. He was suddenly tempted by a de licious ha land, and be did not resist. It was not in the nature or constitution of a bull to resist temptation. Ho ate that hayband and in order to eat the whole of it he got into tho boat. It was perfectly plain that if the boat had not been there, ray client could not and would not have stepped aboard; and then this noble specimen of energy and push could not have perished" and so on, and so j on, for five days in succession. Then up rose the great admiralty lawyer on behalf of tho boat. "The bull was palpably in tho wrong. Whyl The bull went to tho boat; the boat did not come to bulk 'My client' was gently and peaceably floating on the tido of the watery events when this rod-headed rake of a bull ate up the anchor and hawser, tore it from its fastenings, jumped in, had a ride for nothing, kicked the bottom out, and dial in an attempt to swim with his horns and taiL If ever there was a rase of piracy and burglary combined, this was the'one, and tho bull was the culprit. Look at tho natural consequences and and" Here the chief justice suddenly woke up and said: "I have had enough of this. Take your decree, Brother Bullum. It is tho mbst infamous caso of willful and malicious negli gence on the part of tho boat that I have ever come across in my professional career. Think of it. A boat tied with a hayband to the shore. Can human turpitude and moral de linquency go furtherl Tho bull was within his constitutional rights. He has a natural, inalienable lien upon all hay. The bull was no sailor, and the boat knew it; and, what is more infamous still, took advantage of his ignorance of navigation, and drowned him with bis feet in the air. I fee! like giving heavy, yes, punitory, damages in this case, as a warning to boats to keep their bottoms away from bulls." There is a judgment that is a judgment. This is a caso which every lawyer ought to know by heart; it is an inexhaustible mine of legal lore. I regret to add that the judgo died soon after the decision, and that he is still dead. Read before Cincinnati Literary Club. An Almanac as m Witness. John Philpot Curran defended a poor devil who was charged with robbing a noble man. On trial the victim positively Identified the thief, saying, though tho robbery oc curred at night, the moon was bright enough to allow him to see the face of his assailant. The driver and footman both gave similar testimony. Curran addressed the court and tho jury. He pleaded that his client was not guilty had been at home, fifteen miles away from the scene of the robbery at tho time of its occurrence. He could not prove an alibi, for a wife could not testify for her husband, and his child was not old enough to know the import of on oath ; but he could introduce the only witness the prosecution had de pended on for identification the moon. "The driver and footman testified as they did be cause their master did so." There Curran called for the almanacs. Several of the red bound pamphlets were brought in. Tho judge took one. Turning to the date of tho robbery, which occurred at 11 o'clock, it was discov ered that no moon arose that night, and tho prisoner was acquitted. He talked to Cur ran af tern ard, and the attorney said: "You gave me .30 (f 100 of our money) to defend you. Well, I only get about 2 of that It cost me 18 to get those almanacs printed I" Columbia Jurist Knowledge vs. Intelligence. By way of pointing out the difference be tween illiteracy and lack of intelligence, The I Historian submits the appended letter, which i was sent to a lawyer in reply to the latter's advertisement for a boy to wnrk in his office. Tho letter which follows is exceedingly illiter ate, but it is running over with intelligence. j The Historian may precede it with tho state ment that the evident zeal and earnestness I of the boy who wrote it were regarded as fully compensating for the defects in his spell ing, and he was taken into the lawyer's office i on trial at once: i mister 1 want the job mi fokrs aiut rich on I got to n-'jslo they are (led. it betes hel how hard times is i can do chores an learn fast i want a job in your office let me in. Jrxiir Cahkigan-. The name of Jimmy Carrigan may yet be renowned in tho annals of the commonwealth.- -Baston Record. Xearlng Civilization ' "Begorra, I must be gittin' amongst frinds. Ofve been walkin' the entoire mornin' on' that's the first sign of civilyzaytion Ofve met wid." The Judge. CINCINNATUS. Inventcr of the Theory that the Office I Should Seek the 3Ian. 1 Tho first person to Inaugurate tho baneful thoory that tho oflice should srek the man a theory which has caused moro unhappiness than an- other advanced in the great realm of ihtics was a arty called Lucius Quin- tius, or Cincinnatus, because ho woro his hair in curls aLo liecauso ho had at one timo re sided in Cincinnati. In the fall of -153 B. a, after a long, dry season and a prolonged and futile bull nun e- ment in which Cincinnatus went forth to summer fallow the west field, hoping by that process nnd a judicious rotation hi crops to head off tho chinch bug ami the bears. He w as a good deal depressed mentally and physi- cally. He had been trjing to break anew soft, flabby name like Irma, Geraldine, Ban pair of wild anil fractious 4-year-old steers, ' doline, Lilclia, Potassa, Valerian, Kosctta or and it had ixpiired a good ileal of firmness and perspiration to accomplish this. Ho hail not yet fully succeeded, in fact, for every little while tho steers would light out for tho marsh at a high rate of sieed, and Cincinnatus i did not wear pantaloons winter or summer. , I have ghen tho reader a good view of , Cincinnatus, as I remember him, in tho ac- ' i ,.. .... i . componying drawing, which I have made in ordrthat those who wish may see tho fea tures of the most celebrated politician of all timo. He was tho man who first advanced tho doctrino that tho oflice should seek tho man, and ever since that time it is no uncom mon thing to see a man holding on by the plow handles and looking over his shoulder, expectiDg that a good office will climb tho fence pretty soon and kidnap him. Cincinnatus iraiting to be Xrtiinaprd. Here, then, is Cincinnatus, tho man who first made this discovery. The artist has happily caught the expression of this eminent man just as the oflice is in the act of seeking him. He has resolved to sell his hfe as dearly as possible Ho will yield at last, however, and tear himself away from his precocious steers. In the distance, too far off in fact to work into this issue of the paper, is the toga of Cincinnatus. It is hanging on a tall pole as a flag, where ho has used it to "sight" across tho field while he struck out a long furrow. To look at the furrow few would believe that tha great dictator intended to strike out for tho flag. The artist has caught the true idea in this picture, and shows the great statesman and general in the pose of a thoughtful an J philan thropical man, who has fully decided that at tho prevailing price of wheat ho would care fully ami prayerfully consider any overture that might lie made by those having the good of the people at heart Cincinnatus was an austere man of the patrician style of architecture and carefully roached his hair, as nell as the tail of his Roman mule. He was imperious in the ex treme and courted an investigation whenever the papers got after him. He was the pioneer In this line. The day came at last when a dark horse was needed and tho chairman of the Roman central committee went to Cincinnatus to seek out the great man. The chairman is just getting o er the barbed wire fence and the eminent Roman agriculturist has at that moment got his eye on him, as our artist rapidly transfers the portrait to canvas. It was but the work of a moment to unyoke old Iirin and Bally and accept tho office of dictator. Putting on his toga, the great man began to dictate in less than forty-eight hours. He went to the house, washed his hands in a tin basin of cistern water, with soft soap, put some fresh fine cut in tho in side pocket of his toga, and was drawing a salary on tho following Monday at 9 o'clock. The first thing he did was to call for more troops. He then marched against the enemy and captured everybody, no then returned, having been dictator sixteen days at f2 per day. Ho drew his pay and resigned to accept the portfolio of buckwheater on his own property. Wo have no American to-day who could accept the command of our regular army, whip tho Apaches, and bo back on the farm in sixteen days. And yet Cincinnatus con quered a hostile nation, paid the public debt, and got homo in timo to do his fall plowing. If wo read the history of Cincinnatus care fully and look thoughtfully at his equesrriui portrait as it is hero presented we are forced to admit that he was either one of the greatest men of whom we know or that ho wrote the matter up himself for one of the Roman magazines. Bill Nye In Chicago News. . Wliere a IJe Might be Improved. The champion liar hails from Pike county, Ind., and tho following yarn is probably the greatest effort of bis Ige: "A young lady who was watching my binding harvester at work fell upon the table and was carried up with the grain. As the girl was about tho size of a bundle, the machine did not recognize tho difference, and so she came through with a neat little string around her waist. One of the harvest hands caught her as the machine 'kicked' her out, and set her on the ground right side up, when it was found that she had been more frightened than hurt." Now, if this veracious agriculturist had only added that tho machine threshed the young woman, and shook from her face the flour without which no self-respecting young woman's toilet is complete, and barreled said Sour for market by the aid of the young woman's hoops, his story would possess a completeness and symmetry which would cause it to pass current everywhere as a great ami unap proachable work of art Boston Transcript lie Iild Not Jamp. Sunday afternoon a man suddenly ap peared at a three-story window in an un finished building on Grand River street and seemed to begin preparations to commit sui cide by leaping to the pavement A crowd of forty or fifty people sjieeihly gathered in a half circle below, and although all seemed to be aware of what was going on not a voice was raised to prevent the stranger carrying out his designs. He removed his coat and looked down as if estimating the distance. Then he removed his vest and looked down Some of the crowd asked each other in low tones if his intention was to jump, and were answered that there was no doubt of it The man renun eJ his collar and tie after his vest, and then spit on his hands and took his posi tion square in the window. No one below moved a foot There was half a minute of silence, during which everybody mentally calculated on the exact spot he would strike, and something like a shudder passed oer the crowd. Then the unknown man spit on his bands once more, raised them above his head, and calmly remarked: "My friends, this is to inform you that I shall occupy this building Nov. 1 with a large and well selected stock of staple and fancy groceries. I shall do a strictly cash business, and it will bo my aim to" But tho last one had turned the corner. Detroit Free Press. In a Belgian pigeon race that took place a while ago the winning bird completed oiu miles at an average speed of I,lol yards per minute. A "crippled boys' brash-making shop" U a New York Institution. $r NAMING THE BABY. Bill Nye Foeuaes Ills Mighty Intellect on tlie Problem. Fond Mother," Uralej's Fork, asts: "What shall! name my little girl baby F That will depend upon yourself very Largely, "Fond Mother." Very likely If your httlo girl is very rugged and grows up to bo the fat woman in a museum, she will wear the name of Lily. When a girl is named Lily she at once manifests a strong desire to grow up with a complexion like Othello, and the same fatal yearning for some one to strangle. This is not always thus, but girls are obstinate, and it is better not to put a name on a girl baby that she will not live up to. Again, "Fond Mother," let me urge you to refrain from naming your little daughter a Castoria. These names belong to the inflam matory pages of the A rcrican novelette. Do not put such a name on your innocent child. Imagine this inscription on a marble slab: : TK1FOLIATA. : : Beloved daughter of : : Gnuu and Vasclisc Tubbs, : : Died March 27. 1S. : 'She caugutcold In her front name.; I have seen a oung lady try faithfully to live down ono of these flimsy, cheese cloth names, but tho harsh world would not have it A good name is rather to bo chosen than great riches, and while I can imagine your little girl in future years as a whitehaired and lovely grandmother, wearing tho name of Mary or Ruth, with a double chin that seems to ever beckon tho old gentleman to come and chuck his fat forefinger under it, I cannot, in my mind's eye, see her as a household deity, wearing a white cap and tho name of Rosette or Penumbra, or Sogodontia, Of Catalpo, or Voxhumania. Good-by, fond mother. Do not bo offended at what I bare said. Never having had any experience as a mother, for that is not my forte, I havo assumed a good deal of responsi bility in thus writing you, but I ask you as between man ami man never to give your daughter a name that will make her a butt of ridicule when Gabriel pours it out of his horn. George R. Beath, Areola, His., writes to know "the value of a silver dollar of 1878 with eight feathers in the eagle "s tail" It is worth what you can get for it, Mr. Beath. Perhaps tho better way would be to forward it to me and I will do the best I can with it There being but eight feathers in the eagle's tail would be no drawback. Send it to mo at once and I will work it off for you, Mr. Beath. BUI Nye in Boston Globe. Shameful Discrimination. Tom 1 3ay, Maria, if we were making only one-half as much racket as they are, how the bricks and bootjacks would be thrown at us!" Harper's Bazar. The Clergy man's First We ding: Fee. It was their first weddmg. The groom was "new," so was the bride, and the Congrega tional clergyman had committed matrimony only in his imagination. Finally, however, it was all over; the twain was ono flesh, nnd tho little wife was weeping in the arms of her mother. The groom slipped up to tho nerv ous minister, and as that gentleman was about to pass out into tho night pressed a coin into his hand. "A fJO gold piece," thought the young preacher. His heart beat faster now than when officiating at the wedding. He needed tho money so much. Indeed, ho often wished his meagre salary was only half its size, he bod such difficulty in collecting it And now to receive ?J0 all at once. Why, it Then it occurred to him that it was customary for tho minister to make the bride a present of his first marriage fee. The good man sighed as be removed his thin overcoat and returned to .the room where the guests were offering their congratulations to the newly wedded couple. "I forgot something," said he as ho ap proached the bride. "This is tho first mar riage fee I have ever received. It is yours. It should be kept as a reminder of this occa sion." Tho young bride stretched out her hand, and the coin rang as it touched her marriage ring. The guests looked up; the unconscious wife did not close her hand upon tho fifty cent piece that lay there, and all saw it The minister was glad it was his first marriage; the guests tried to appear as if they did not see the half dollar, and the reporter quietly smiled, and thought perhaps the young hus band was saving up to buy tho divorce, Chi cago Inter Ocean. The Thrifty Farmer. "You know we have a pretty fine shed afr tached to our store," said tho grocer. "It is about 100 feet long, and with the commodi ous yard, it is a valuable piece of property, and although we pay nearly $2,000 a year rent for it, it is a free shed. One day last week a farmer drove under the shed with a span of horses, which he tied, and then camo in the store. He wanted to sell eggs. He asked what we were paying, and I told him f L23 a hundred, cash or trade, as he desired. " 'Wont sell my eggs for any sich price,' said tho farmer, '111 git more or take 'em home fust' 'Sorry, my friend, but tho market, does not warrant us paying any more,' I replied, and soon tbo farmer could be seen with a huge basket of eggs under each arm, and pro ceeded to sell them from house to house. In about two hours ho returned with empty baskets. "When be came in I asked: 'Did you do any better than I offered?" " 'No, ten shillings seemed to be "bout the price, so I did not bring them liack again. Guess I tried a hundred places. Got any oats to sell, boss! I told John to put some in the wagon 'fore I left home, for tho hosses, but he forgot it, I guess.' "I told him that we had oats, and that six quarts were worth twelve cents. " 'Twelve cents I Do you want to rob a manr "I told him twelve cents was the best I could do, and be said 'Blank if I'll pay twelve cents for six quarts of oats. Can you lend me an empty measurer I handed him one and he went away and soon returned with the oats. " 'Get oats for IcksT I asked him as he was passing under the shed where he had kept bis horsoa " 'Got 'em for leven cents. Was asked tho came as you did, but I told the man being as I had my horses under your shed I'd give you the preference, but if he'd come down to leven cents we would make a dicker, so he came down to 'leven. I tell you, Kingston people want to get rich too fast" Kingston Freeman. A Mystery. Mr. Wayback Tes, beats all what queer things happen nowadays. We've got tho durndest mystery you ever see in our town now. Omaha Man Ah I some crime, I sup pose. "Well, yes; something like that. You see, a tramp has confessed that he stole $10 from the contribution box of our church." "Yes; but Where's the mystery! You know who took it" "Why, we cant imagio how it got thera you see." Omaha World. The sentence, "No, It is opposition," is a palindrome, reading the same backward and forward. TIME AND DISTANCE. Why drives yon cabman ever on So rapidly in dauntless fllghtl lie's here one moment and he's Rose . The next away, far out of sight ' Whj , tell me why ho hurried hence W th a restless, hurried tuxt (Hf nas accepted fifty cents 1 a drive one to a certain place.) And why does yonder caliman creep So slowly through the busy throng? His fiery steed is half asleep And liken snail he moves along. The grass beneath his feet doth grow Yet on he crawls with hsless pow'r. He hides his time; for, stranger, know Hi cab is chartered by the hour. Chicago Kambler. llehearslnir a Fart of tho I'lay. Said a theatre manager: "Step this way, please, and I will show you why rehearsals are kept inviolate from the Intrusion of strangers." As I followed him into thardimly lighted auditorium a slim, graceful oung noman stood on the stage. I recognized her as a popu lar burlesquer, though in skirts sliedidnot look much like her professional self. She w as in the posture of a singer bowing her grati tudo to an nudience. Then a fellow ran down tho center aisle, carrying a now japer roughly bunched in the shape of a bouquet Ho handed it across the onhestra rail. She started in glad surprise, held for an instant an attitude of irresolute astonishment, then smiled sweet ly, took tho lper, lifted it to her nose for a sniff, bowed low right and left, and backed off the scene. She was practicing for the recep tion of the flow ers which she was to get in the evening. Galveston News. A Fair Kxcliance. A blacksmith of a v illage in Spain mm- I dereil a man and was condemned to bo hung. . Tho chief peasants of tho place gathered to- getber and begged the alcalde that the block 1 smith might not suffer, because he was neces sary to tha place, which could not do without I a blacksmith to shoo horses, mend wheels, etc "But" said the alczlde,"howcan I fulfill justice!" A laborer answered: "Sir, there are two weavers in the village, and for so small a place ono is enough hang the other." French Fun. What lie Knew of Art. "Yes," she said, "I am very fond of pictures and Ive been buying some for my house, do love pictures." "What kind of pictures are you fondest of F "Historical pictures. I am so fond of his tory, and old, venerable history, you know. especially. I bought a picture yesterday, a perfect beauty." "Indeed. What was the subjectP "Oh you musthaveKeenit;ou must know it It's quite celebrated. It is 'Shakespeare at the Court of Macbeth.'" San Francisco Chronicle. Precocious XMtab "Yes, ma'am, that Iamb has got horns, but that s owin to tho hreed. I says to the man I liought him of only to-day says I 'Mr. Smithers, them lambs you've been selling me are the liest I ever bought, but they're all fired precocious." Tid Bits. Hival rj- of Western Cities. "The education board of Minneapolis has excluded the Bible from the public schools." "What for!" "There was too much about St Paul In it" Chicago Ledger. IlrtTltl.-. Is always for A yacht sail Merchant Traveler. If there is ono thing that, quicker than an other, will drive a man to drink, it is thirst Life, October is named from the numeral Octo, which applies to the eighth month in the Roman calendar, and Burr, a delicate allu sion to the opening of the chestnut season. Life. The proprietor of The "Weekly Hooter re cently discharged his office boy because the lad insisted on drawing pictures on tho towel with a peice of chalk. Merchant Traveler. The festive cackle of the hen Sounds ever light and gay. Whene'er she lays an egg, lis then She cackles forth her lay. Merchant Traveler. A Pennsylvania landlord seized a baby as security for rent He is beginning to wish that ho hadn't Burlington Free Press. The coming cow will have no horns, says one of our agricultural exchanges. This will be a great relief to the coming woman. Low ell Courier. Chicago Man Suppose you saw all there was to be seen in Home, Charley I Returned European Traveler Oh, yes, w ent all around. I tell you you ought to isit the amphitheater there. It's grand. Chicago Man What kind of a show were they giving there when you went, Charley f Tid Bits. "Man wants but little hero belowl" The statement causes mirth. It must have been In early times. But now be wants the earth. Exchange. A London paper says: "The Americans fol low us in everything." There is one notable exception. In yacht racing the English always follow the Americans. Norristown Herald. "Whom do you consider the greatest au thor, Dumas the elder or his son!" "Dm-1 rather think the son." "Bah! I don't believe he ever would have been heard of if it hadn't been for his father." "Well, that's so, too." Rambler. A thief entered James McCarthy's room at Marinette, Wis., and stole his wedding clothes. The ceremony had to be deferred. Some men always appear to be in luck. Bos ton Transcript Irate Guest What do you call that! Ho tel Proprietor Butter, sir. Irate Guest Butter! Why, I'd just as soon eat axle grease as that Proprietor John, run out to the stable and get the gentleman some axle grease- Algernon I should like vewy much to go for a dwive with you, old chap, but I cahnt do it; I have to pwactice. Adolphus Gwacious! You are not studying anything. are you I Algernon No, deah boy, but I pwactice a hour a day twying to learn to keep my eyeglass in my eye. (( hlcaxo t rib ine. The Chinese are too cunning for Cali fornia law-makers. In order to prevent their herding together like bees in tan ranclsco a law was passed requiring that lodging rooms should be of a capac ity to furnish a certain number of cubic feet of air to each occupant Only thf riermUsible number of Chinese are allowed to sleep in a lodging-room &t one time, but there are lrequent relays oi s'cepers. Alter one lot nave slept a lew hours they are waked and sent to walk around whllo another shift occupy the bunks. A Gr'luted Tandem Team. A man of Baltimore drives four horses tandem, the wheeler being tremendously big. the neit of moderate size, then mall one, and the leader a pony. Krr LOCAL NOTICES. Mint Kxcellent. J. J. Atkins ch'ef of police. Knoxville. Tenn., writes: "My family and I are bene-, liclaries of our most excellent medicine, Dr. King's New Disco er" for consump tion; haing found It to be all that ou claim for It, desire to testify to Its irtue. My friends to whom I recommended It praise it at every opportunity." Dr. King's New Di-covery for Consumption Is guaran teed to cure coughs, colds, bronchitis, asth ma, croun and everv ofectinn of tlimat I chest and lungs. Trial bottle free at Lud-' low & Co.'s drug store. Large size, 31. llraee Up. You are feeling depressed, your appetite Is poor, on are bothered with headache. you are fidgety, nen ous and generally out of sorts, and want to brace up. Brace up, but not with stimulants, sprini; medicines, or hitters, which lune for their basis ery cheap, bad whisky, which stimulate ou for an hour, and then leate ou hi worse condition than before. What you want Is an alterative that will purify our blood. stan healthy action of liter and kidneys. I restore your vitality, and gie renewed , health and strcnflth. Such a medicine ou I will find in Electric Hitters, at only 50 cents a bottle at Ludlow & Co.'s drug awjic Hncklln'sArnira halve. The Best Sai-ve in the world for Cuts, Bruises. Sores, Ulcers, Salt Kheum. Fever Sores, Tetter, Chapped Hands, Chilblains, Corns, and all skin eruptions, and positively ' cures Piles, or no pay required. It is guar- anteed to gie perfect satisfaction, or money I refunded. Price 25 cents 'per box. For sale by Charles Ludlow & Co. ! LOCAL NOTICES. , LADIES, is life and health worth preserv ing? If ou think so, use Gllmore's Aro matic Wine. For sale by Theo. Troupe druggist Facts Worth Knowing. In all diseases of the nasal mucous mem brane the remedy used must be non-irritat-mg. The medical profession has been slow to learn this. Nothing satisfactory can be accomplished with douches, snutfs, pow ders, syringes, astringents, or any simi lar applications because they are ail irritat ing, do not thoroughly reach the affected surfaces, and should be abandoned as w one than failures. A multitude of persons who had for ears borne all the worry and pain that catarrh can Inflict testify to radical and permanent cures w rought by El 's Cream Balm. A Uaxoehous SfiuiicAi. Operation-. A fatal mistake. At the time Dr. Vance, of Cleveland, performed the operation on the lady for the remot al of a cancer of the stomach, he found, when too late, that the poor woman had no cancer to be remoed. The disease was indigestion, and if sbe.had taken the Shaker Extract of Roots (Megel's Sjruy), that awful distress at the pit of the stomach, which made the doctors think she had cancer, would have been renuned. Distress after eating, dull, heavy feeling in the head, with pains hi the side and back alt vanish after using this wonderful rem edy. The tired, languid feeling gives place to strength and igor. Mrs. Delia Marsh writes from Pea Ridge, Benton Co., Ark., that she had dyspepsia in the worst form for fhe years, and that nothing gave any relief until she used the aiegel Syrup. Consumption Can be Cured. Not by any secret remedy, but by proper. healthful exercise and the judicious use of Scott's Emulsion of Cod Liver Oil and Hy- popnosphites. containing the healing and strength-giving virtues of these two valua ble specifics in their fullest form. iTe scribed universally by physicians. Take no other. Consumption Cured. An old physician, retired from practice, having had placet! in his hands by an East India missionary the formula of a simple vegetable remedy for the speedy and per manent cure of Consumption, Bronchitis, Catarrh, Asthma and all throat and lung affections, also a positive and radical cure for Nervous Debility and all Nervous Com plaints after having tested its wonderful curative powers in thousands of cases, has felt It his duty to make it known to his suffering fellows. Actuated by this motive and a desire to relieve human suffering, I will send free of charge, to all who desire It, this recipe. In German, French or Eo lish, with full directions for preparing and using. Sent by mall by addressing with stamp, naming this paper, W. A. Noyes 1 Power's Block, itoonester, a. x. Advice to Mothers. Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup, for chil dren teething. Is the prescription of one of the best female nurses and physicians in the United States, and has been used for years with never-falling success by millions of mothers for their children. During the process of teething Its value is incalculable. It relieves the child from pain, cures dysen tery and diarrhoea, griping In the bowels and wind colic. By giving health to the child It reststhe mother. Price 25c a bottle. WHAT WILL CURE THROAT AND LUNG TROUBLES? Gllmore's Magnetic Elixir. For sale by Theo. Troupe, drug gist Cnn'tMake Anything I.Ike it. I hae been practicing medicine for twenty years, and hae never been able to Dut un a vegetable compound that would. like Simmons Liver Regulator, promptly and effectively rao e the liver to action, and at the same time aid (instead of weaken ing) the digestive ami assimilative powers of the svstem. No other remedy within my knowledge can till Its place. U. JL 11INTOX, Jl. V., Washington, Ark. Great Business at tho Steam Dye Works. The old reliable Steam Dye Works are always to the front In enterprise and good work, and have been doing a tremendous business In their dying department, which gives the best of satisfaction. Those hav ing heavy clothing to color should not fail to take them to their place of business, 21 north Center street, at once, before winter sets in, as it is almost impossible to dry heavy goods then. The baths are just as popular as ever, and are receiving new patrons every day that express themselves as being very highly pleased. Rheumatism tPa Annfct If there ! or can be. a sneciiic remedy for rheumatism; but thousands who have suffered its pains nave Deen greauy oen eCted by Hood's Sarsaparllla. If you have tailed to find relief, try this great remedy. "I was afflicted with rheumatism twenty years. Previous to 1883 1 found no relief, but grew worse, and at one time was almost help less. Hood's Sarsaparllla did me more good tinn all the otner meuicine x eier irai. H. T. Baicom, Shirley Village, Mass. " I had rheumatism three years, and got no relief till I took Hood's Sarsaparllla. It has m ff-rent thlnp for me. I recommend It to others." Lewis licitBASK, Biddeford. Me. Hood's Sarsapariua Is characterized by three peculiarities : 1st, the combination ot remedial agent ; 2d, tho proportion; 3d, tha process of securing tho active medicinal qualities. Tho result Is a medicine ot unusual strength, effecting cures hitherto unknown. Send for book containing additional evidence. "Hood's Sarsaparllla tones np my system, purifies my Mood, sharpens my appetite, and , seems to make ma over." J. P. tbompsox, Begister of Deeds, Loh ell, Mass. "Hood's Sarsaparllla beats all others, and Is worth its weight In gold." I. IUkbcoiojc, 130 Bank Street, New York City. Hood's Sarsaparilla Bold by all druggists. $l;sIxfors. Mads onlybyC-LHOOD & CO., Lowell, Mass. IOO Doses One Dollar THIS IS hOTTA Of world-wide r nown. Thesciran tae of a beautiful face u recognized bf one whose emi nence in her pro fessjon would seem to raise her abor tts need, if it would any one. Hear what hetayi: "CHAMPinrs liquid Pearl tit rrrr Best 4Tmiamttsm fasT r ac7 imt 4 mavr tvff usra. ana jmr in Jturt Iskall ti mj Qtktrr LOTTA. Other Fa Artists Speai: PJTTI " "temJm, F.nf.,Junt :(i, 1879. mill. MaJam AJittn-x Fatti tuts u U stnd htr im mtjta trljr. irtkrnsxt stramtr. Jits dninsfyoMrLiiui4Fsart? AdJrtss if y fbatr, Madam Adrlin FattLat lie TJteatrr, BjsrJ,rcfitJm Fatti," G. rRAKCHL niVCflDnnT' "IJiJyurLil.Ur,art 41. jf .. r t . f .t sva 1 uaii vii & punt txctlUnt. I thsXli etr aim inlt reco-imtnd it t9 mr ladr frisnJs aUr ii. FANNY DAVENTORr. His. JANADSCHEK: ,;sa? nsrrsm Faris."TAXSY JAN'AUSCHEKl PI T f!r,Cr V gists mt fltanrt U add AlJhhUUU . mr na, t, tit list ,f thtst sekskavt airtadjf rtcemmtndtd jturA Liquid Ftarl? and ta ertrtts tkt MatisactieM. It Jkas afftrdtdrntr CLARA LOUISE KELLOGG. SCOTT-SIDDOHS : ttYZsttgytt suf trior is any cosmtttt, as it does net eemt ef cntkt garments:'-41RS. SjCOTT-SIDDOXS. PflflMR? r censidtr it far snferitr t viUUIHU 0 , anf article ef its iimd l use im Ms country." )XXZ COOMBS. RflWUDO "Eminently satisfactory as a cesmtttc. ana afparentlr rrt from injurious effects, forwhtcn I ' ekeerfutlr recommend it." MRS. D. P. BOWERS. MORTIMER: FRAKCIS: "Jf kartr trifji.anj 'Jlnd it tt V suftriir ta nj ctkrr we Aavt rctrr uxtd. H't d net ktsitat ta rtttmmtnd it tj all wk desire to in fractut wkat tkt Pott taid: A tktfr pf Beaut r u ajer fererer?y-MRS. CARRIE JAMISON: JEWETT: I IAMISOV. MISS FANNY FRANCIS, nrfcc wn i tir ifnoTitft-n MISS SARAH JfiWErT.-LaJus of Daly's lk. Arc. Theatre. YIUCEKT: " Since tee lave used your ctleorated 'Ftarl' as a coo mttic. tot Aavt teen consider CARY: ably surprised over its su ieriereualtties. H'txetU ft fTIPiT" tkt futurt the jour 'Pearl' biiailfi. J ,.r f reference." KXHYe.t. CLARK, MARY W. CARY, MARY ANN1S VINCENT. Ladies of Boston Museum. PTHPI "I J1" your Liquid Pearl to to Illll fill . tkt Ittt artn.lt nraof."-ACHES ETHEL. TJInMDQnH "Consider it to ft tkt bnl tnUElrOUIt cemtitieforlAtskimlnare overuied. I cordially recommend it to all my friends and Ike fullic generally" CHAR LOTTE THOMPSON. ion vitkout Harm totkesiin I consider it witk out a cemaruou."llXXlE CUMMIKGS. IPWPTT "Permit me tsadd my testimony UCinCll 1 . ., t, n, oxcellencr of your cos. jir."-SARAH JEWETT. VfiypQ" "ll'ealse feet a fleasure toadi I'JIlljl). ,ur testimonials of its inferior merits as a cosmetic for tke complexion. Wo kareuieditmtkentiresatisfactienF-XESZls, VICTORIA od ROSINA OKES. TTTTFNs' "i'onr 'Liquid Fearl,' Is am llllLUlu exctllent cosmetic, and kasgiren me muck satisfaction in uiingit" THERESA TI F.TJ ENS, (roruLASLv, Ttrou.) Sold by all Drupcists and Perfumers at 75 cents for Extra Large bottle (nearly double former 50 cent size! Beware of Imitations, and see that the fac-simile of the Proprietors' Siff nature as well as a vignette of Lotta is on the label of every bottle, and the name " CHAMPLLVS LIQUID PEARL " is blown in he white glass. The components cost 3 to 5 times those in any other preparation, hence its superiority and consequent popuv laritv in the higher circles. (cj " Get theBest" Cltamplln's. Somt druggists yet hart so cent siso. 'An Invaluable Medi cine for Woman." LYDliLFINIlUrS VEGETABLE COMfOUNP, IftpGc.tlTCnrs PorAIicf ttcaorsinftil CompUcsted trembles sad Wellnesses so oommom ty-nr-ng OUT WiTeS, 3COSe- WYl THTCntfTT 1TI3AS0TEEX1GI BX3EDI, ErTuiunn ma Tiaxs. xm- eiODn .un ta mediate and lant iualmiUrfecL. IT IS A. VXHT QXZSX nXLT DTl-BXtCUXCT, ix arusTO tSB BCXXXO L1SOK U AI SXOVUK XXXSTXCA& m3fi OVER I00O LADIES IN PHILADELPHIA stone. iamtUT to its gcod qTMllrbw. Hlmu&oUoum matter to testify about but w ost t&dr names. tWTvr an weaknesses of ths ceneratlvs crcsas of stt&er sex. li la seeend to bo remedx tliat has srsr beea before the public; and for an diseases of tbs Sid neys 1 1 Is tie Crrat at Ermed- tn tat World. PHYSICIANS PRESCRIBE IT FREELY. lis parrot is t-Ulufor fas Irgttimatt keaHnm of die tarn and tke rtttefofpaln.and' tt does xu.it claims to da 1 1 win core en tirely aH Ovarian or Vaslpal troubles. TTtannntjffT, and Ulceration. ?amns and lsplCe ments; and consaxneat Spinal Weakness, and is par ticularly adapted to tha Chang of life. WEARY WOMEN PRAISE IT. It leiiio vim Patntnrws, natnleney. destroys an exxv. ingtoretlT-iiilans.sdrelieT-gsWesTneweoftbsBt-3Bi aeh. It enrea TTtoatln z. KeadacTif , 2f erroiia rrosti-fc-tton.QriieTaII)ebinty.SIeiilieiilias,Pepiusalonasd Indigestion. That feeling of bearing down, cstal--g paia. and r-aoVaf he, is pennanrntly cmedby lis nss. AH ANCEL OF MERCY. It la absof-rtetr asaib cure tor an ftnaie i (nelndlnxr leueorrhcea, tzrefialarand painfull a ation. t --'-' " and Ulceration of the womb Sooding. prolapsus uteri. &c It '-''? no sub. stance that is harmful. la oaf and ssrs. (1. (S for $i) la Llonl-l, Pill or Loi(ti Fern. yoQmtflyshc-TiMpewltbontLTDlAZ.i'lJIJLiiJUrS t.i;i ii--tt.t.-ii They curs ccnstirsHfm, r-m-msnss and torpidity of the liver. 33 cents per box. JUI these worIdwide celebrated remedies are maau Octiuvd at Xynn. SCses. The Compound Qa lulus of losenges and pi71s).XlT-rr PCls and Baaatrf Waa& can be sent by man en receipt of price. J3-A11 Sold by DrcilsU.-m Seit stamp tor Mis. Prnslism's Quide to Hssltti1 snd Gonndontial tireolar. with deseziptlon of esse and aymstoms of wseacaesa. MauUm i Chicago. The LB.i W. will run a grand excur sion to Chicago on November 8th. Mag nificent sleepers, chair cars and coaches will be run through without change. Tickets will be good for twelve days, en abling passeneers to return on or before the 20tli- Fare for the round trip, $5.00. Berth chairs and full Information can be secured by calling at the Union depot, Springfield, Ohio. We have sisty feet of s liver show-cases which we -vv ill sell cheap, file side cases at a bargain. Fire and burglar-proof safe, regulators, walnut tables ami all our fix tures for sale. If j ou need anything of the kind it will pay you to look at ours. Uof man & Co., the only jewelers on Limestone street Your price is our price at any thing near cost. Ilof man & Co., the Jen elers who are forced to sell out their jewelry store for the want of a good business location In Spring field. We leave our store room, we leave the town, and we intend to leaie our entire stock of diamonds, watches, clocks, jewel- ry, optical goods, etc;, scattered among the ' Champion City people at such prices as they think they can afford to pay. Uofman i Co., Limestone street jewelers. No Care,No Fay The terms "Never despair" and "While there's life there's hope" are the mottoes ot Dr. ilciluim. Treats Ins patients to cure them, and uses without prejudice or regard for schools or "pathys" whatever will ac complish that result. A man ot 25 years successful experience. Consultations In person or by mail free to alL Permanently located at Springfield, O. Institute. labor atory and dispensary at 111 South Market street Hours 8 a. m. to 9 p. m. MLyL fflk X" "W OTeanfP " jtetora. bmbbh mwm ifeyi aru sOtytjiiaCT ti vamm fc BSSfflKjjsJ'