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Humor and Philosophy By DUNCAN M. SMITH PERT PARAGRAPHS. Vo up to date youngster appears to much troubled with Illusions con wjKCDlng his elders. Be good and you will be happy—ln a "Being poor and respectable is the tmaate of happiness In story books, prob •flSfty because It Is so very difficult to be tKespectable and poor. ®ieh<>s hnve wings when their owner tttakcs n flior In wheat. Some people do their duty and others ijpet no farther than their friends. Don't be n piker. The thing Is al awady overdone. Jt is always easy to find a tougb Composition. Some men are treatises, some cata 9Vues and some Hoyie's games. JflL woman may have bewitching eyes Syet be able to cook a good dinner, she doesn't have to. The best way to pay attention to ■'•feat people think of you is to paj Jf»ui debts. Castles In the Flame. *J alt beside the open grate And watch the chancing, fitful (low; .31 *ee the bright flames leap aloft And shadows on the background ■throw. Before my eyes I Strange forms arise— i,.it cast!" fnlr In sunny Spain, Jtk. apeclnl, private railway train .An.l other things On fancy's wings jßuQiwurt my vision lightly float "That seem to cheer my very soul, ' Jfcad then I look again and see My large and monthly bill for coal. Tftis shadows seem to weave a spell, Ami as with dreamy eyes I gaze 3T wpftri to see before me rise "The khosts of long forgotten daya, A boy once more, I walk the shore •Or in the ancient forest stray, With others of my kind at play. Benenth the trees Wo lie at case, JForgetful of the later cares, Lost In some hazy boyhood Jokfll .And then I look again and see I My money going up in smoke. And that's nbout the way it goes. <When we are wrapped In quiet mlrtlt, >>.SnJoylng moments as they pass, "She coal bill calls us down to earth, Breaks up our dream An 3 makes us scheme f„Aad all our mental efforts bring ways and means to pay the thing. Tamed at Last. Alas, the age of romance Uvea only the five cent novels that the boys -*ea>l out behind the wood shed, first Starring made sure that the big stick jlaaot looking. Ala Arizona cowboy drifted Into a ■Staeedway saloon and, after looking at -Mm bright lights, began shooting them rap to show how things were done In 'JBore advanced communities. What did the unfeeling people do? "UP A they gather around him and ask £tm what kind of brand of drinks maid satisfy that kind of a thirst? SOet they. As soon as they could get ■9m the telephone they called for the mAlce. Two officers responded and Arw the bad man into a pretty, blue mason anil took hlui for a buggy ride. ®hls story proves either that New "JSark Isn't Arizona or else that the ißßwboy came from east of Pittsburg, -.Odor the kind of cowboys that we read <.flß»nt do not allow themselves to be cwested by anything less than a sec 'iJSod of the regular army. Hard to .Penetrate. ■"She lins n sharp tongue." '"Well, she needs it" '"Why?" > '*ELer husband has a thick skull." Hl3 Definition. ij' a dead game sport, pa?" married man who stays out late, sUBOVIng all the time that he haa to go ;9mdk home at last" Changeable. "Has t.he a large fortune?" * ""Depends on whether you are a cred itor or a possible suitor." Not From Him. Be said she had a taking way; * llj thought her very nice. 3h:t sadly found one balmy day Slip didn't t.ike advice. -i V Rich Wife. -ns he kind to his family?" *Tou bet he is. He'd get hla aUow 4MB* cut oil otherwise." REAL RHEUMATISM. Tha Causa* and Symptom* of Uria Acid In tha Blood. Bbeumatism, so called, Is probably as common as any ailment one ever hears of, and yet If one were to ana lyse carefully the average case of rheu matism the result would doubtless show that the disease was something very different indeed from the real thing. Almost everybody when suffer ing from a slight stiffness of a Joint or a muscular soreness promptly makes ft diagnosis of rheumatism • when in real ity the case Is nothing more than what In technical language Is known as 11- thaemia, sometimes called American gout. The real disease of rheumatism Is the result of an accumulation in the blood of Imperfectly converted food, princi pally uric acid. This accumulation Is due to Intemperance In eating and drinking and Insufficient active exer cise. Heredity in some cases seems to play an Important part. In the great major ity the symptoms follow a regular or der, beginning with a feeling of full ness and discomfort after meals, Indi gestion, nausea and an unpleasant taste In the mouth, followed by throb bing headache, nervous Irritability and vertigo, muscular pains which may be confined to oue or more muscles or skip about them oue to another. Lastly, and In most cases the most troublesome of all symptoms. Is depression of spirits, the patient Imagining that he has all sorts of ailments. Persons suffering from mental disorder as a result of this disease have been known to commit satclde. Fortunately these cases are not common, but It should be remem bered that they are among the possibil ities.—A Doctor in New York World. STAGESTRUCK. An Incident of the Boyhood Daya of William McKinley. One does not readily associate our martyred president, William McKinley, with an ambition to become an actor, but in a grouping of eminent person ages who have concelvcd ut one time or another In their lives a passion to tread the boards we find the subjoined account: "It was while holding the humble position of clerk at a hat store ia Cin cinnati that Mr. McKinley became stagestruck and once confessed that he did not outgrow his desire to be come an actor for many years after ward. This desire arose through wit nessing the Shakespearean plays as presented by the great tragedian, Ed win Forrest, for whom Mr. McKinley conceived a great admiration. " 'Imagine my feelings.' the presi dent said on one occasion when relat ing his boyish ambitions, 'when For rest walked Into our store one day to make a purchase. I rushed to the front In order to serve my ideal hero of the theater. The sale, however, was made by an older clerk, but I was given the privilege of pressing and stretching the hat.- The great actor stood near me, observing my work, and the smile of appreciation which ha gave me was one of the events of mj youth.' "—Scrap Book. Qrowth of Rocks. Rocks do not grow In the sense that a plnnt grows. They may Increase by accretion, and they may undergo chem ical change. The old sea bed, being lifted up, becomes sandstone and lime stone. The volcanic ash and lava strewn over the plains become tufa, hard enough for building stone. The pebbly shore of a river becomes con glomerate. The simple mineral does grow, however, when it takes a crystal form. The sparkling prism of quartz Increases from nn atom to a crystal as large as a forearm by a process of addition and assimilation, wonderfully slow but beautifully regular, exactly ag crystals of Ice form 011 the window pane. Why Bulla Hate a Red Flag. In the first place, says an English writer, red Is a color to which cattle are unaccustomed, so that they may naturally be supposed to be startled by Its very novelty. Scientists show the sensation of red to be the comple ment of that of green, being Induced by exactly opposite affections of the retina. If the eyes of cattle are con structed on a similar principle to our own the continual contemplation of green, as In trees and herbage, mus* produce a state of retinal fatigue, pre disposing a violent excitement of the retina Immediately a red substance Is presented to view. Bismarck's Love of Authority. At 0 p. ni. we took tea with the kins. I was seated opposite him when a foot man came and whispered In my ear that Bismarck desired to see me. Great embarrassment! Puekler having told me 1 might leave the table, I did so. The king Inquired what was the mat ter and permitted me to go. Bismarck had nothing of particular Importance to tell me, and I suspect that he only ■wanted to show that he had the right to send for Uis employees even when they were with the king.—Hatzfeldt Letter. Strictly Business. "The graspin'est man I over know ed," said Uncle Jerry Peebles, "was nu old chap named Snoopins. Somebody told him once that when he breathed he took In oxygen and gave out car bon. He spent a whole day tryln' to find out which of them two gases cost the most If you have to buy' cm. He wanted to know whether lie was malt- In'.a' losin' money when he breathed." —•Chicago Tribune. The universe is not rich enough to buy the vote of an honest num.—Orat ory. ABERDEEN HERALD, MONDAY, MARCH 11. 1907 Grand Theatre, Tuesday, March 12 GEORGE PRIMROSE Try Townsend's Delicious Bitter Sweet f ~~ * Chocolate Creams Model Bakery and Candy Factory G Street, Opposite Postoffice 200,000 happy people in our state drink daily the famous Golden Grain Granules The American Family Drink It smells like coffee, looks like coffee and tastes like coffee, but is far superior. A big package for 25c in all first class grocery stores. If your grocer has not got this health-drink, tell him that he can get it for you from any iobber in this State. , SOME PRINTERS f LJet*) still use old style material with good effect. What we use is the best for each job we handle. We know how to produce good work 1 11, and inst re you the results of our hobby—it's Good Printing. No job leaves the office that isn't at the top notch of per fection—particularly Stationery. That's where tye gets in his artistic work—that makes you feel a certain pride in writing a letter on Herald Printery* work. Never any chance for a "kick." HERALD PRINTERY 408 E. Wishkah St. Telephone 3541 Established 1896 Time Tried and Fire Tested Patterson & Locke Co., Incorporated. General Insurance Agents. Telephone 791 214 G Street Q. W. NINEMIRE. Pres. A. E. HOEFER, Sec. &Treas. NINEMIRE PACKING COMPANY Wholesale and Retail BUTCHERS AND PACKERS BEEF, PORK, MUTTON. VEAL, ETC. Ninemire Packing Co. Montesano. Aberdeen Transcontinental Machine Company Park and Oak Streets, Portland, Oregon Mechanical and Electrical Novelties Musical and Talking Machines W. W. WRENN, Resident Agt., Office 317 East Market Street. Telephone 15+4. FOR SALE Some nice Home Property on Broadway Hill Some good Business' locations on Heron Street Some Farms for sale or trade for City Property Good House and Lot for sale on lower Heron Street, cheap. These are all good propositions Also agent for Farming Lands in the Alberta Country : : : : : : S. K. BOWES WITH PATTERSON & LOCKE CO. 214 South Gr Street Telephone 791 R. W. BRYAN (Successor to Albert Hanson) BICYCLE REPAIR SHOP New and Second Hand Wheels Bicycles for Rant Fishing Tackle, Guns, Pistols, Sporting Goods Gunsmith Locksmith Expert Repairing of Intricate Machinery a Specialty. 300 south C St., Lumber Exchange Bias. Tel. 2445 ■ PALM THEATRE IBILLY McDONALD. Proprietor and Manager SWELLEST Vaudeville Show House On the Pacific Coast e Dancing Every Evening ® Completely Equipped and UP-TO-DATE GYMNASIUM In Connection GROCERIES It isn't the grocer who will let you run up the biff bill you want to deal with. He is an ex pensive kind of grocer. He has to put an inter est price on the goods he sells you. It is the grocer that buys the right goods and who pays cash so he can make the close price that it pays to telephone your orders to. SHELLY BROTHERS, Grocers 313 E. MARKET STREET. TELEPHONE 474.