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$? ,5 i, iv im ftf:, 'I •t S: il '. f^' w- pri'tii' FUNNY SIDE dill' if *%fj Safety First. "The porter is unusually attentlv to your wants." "Yes." replied the celebrated bac teriologist. "You must have traveled on this roud a number of times before ant tipped him liberally." "That isn't the reason. The conduc tor told him that I had in a little bot tle in my suitcase enough germs to kill an army and the porter has made up his mind that no accident is going tc befall me if he can possibly prevenl It." Just for a Chance. "How would you like to be one ol those magazine illustrators and spend most of your time drawing beautiful women "Not for me." "Why not?" "You know something about the per versity of human nature. After a few years of that sort of work I might fall in love with a woman who was as homely as a mud fence." Time to Quit Then. "Do you expect to spent your whole life in the 'wicked pursuit of richesT asked the ascetic person. "No." replied the brisk individual "If I'm not rich by the time I reach fifty years of age, I shall consider my self an ignoble failure." SHE WAS ON. =*a^ Maisie—I ain't goin' to take anj more music lessons. Her Mother—Why not? Maisie—I .si'e :u use in pay ing that professor one dollar twice week just to coiue here and make lov« to sister. For the Fair Sex. Tears arid nerve together Form a combination grand Just little drops of water. And little grains of sand. Hustling Hiram. Hayrix—Ileow be your son Hiram gittin' crlong deown t' th' citty? Oatcake—l'uriy good, I reckon. H« writ us he wuz carryin' ev'rything be fore him. Hayrix—Is he in bizness fer his self? Oatcake—Naw. He's a actin' ez wait er in a eatin' house. At the Reception. Said He—They tell me you are ar authority on flowers. Said She—Oh, hardly an authority, although I have made a study of them. Said He—Well, what would be the result if a blooming idiot was to mate with a society bud? It All Depends. "But you must admit, sir," said the aggressive party, "that a man ought to be the boss in his own house." "Y-yes, I suppose so," answered the meek and lowly man with the scanty hair, "but the house I live in happens to belong to my wife." Different Viewpoints. "Most of us would be surprised It we could see omrsalves as others see us," remarked the moralizer. "Yes," rejoined the demoralizer, "and most of the others would be shocked if they could see us as we see ourselves." The Ex-Widow. Mrs. Green—Your husband is cer tainly a fine-looking man, Mrs. Black. Mrs. Black—Oh, he'll do but you Just ought to have seen my first bus- Suspicious. 'Com—1 wonder why Harry broke his engagement with Miss Peckem? Jack—According to my information, her father offered to lend him money enough to get married on. AlasI Too True, id He—Dead mien tell no tales, irt She—But their tombstones to www* BDBft^WlllwHHMHBHBBIBBBHIIfll&llillHii'ltdWhH^l'i'lifilililiiMiiiwnii'nwi'III•'•F«INIMTIW—miimiIIIIMIIIII— IIIBI•nMn'II «II«IIM«I"II BiimiiiiiMiiMiiii »I«iMMiiii'iii'iiiiii«ii»I»M HI »«il iiirtwi iiMtfii tiiiili JUCT LIKE A WOMAN. "Talk about your frenzied finan ciers," remarked the cashier, as ht came in and hung up his hat, "in wife's got them all beaten to a fricasseed frazzle." "Well, come on with the answer," said the bookkeeper. "She had made up her mind to pur chase a skirt she saw in a store Just around the corner from where we live," explained the cashier "but yester day she learned that she could buy one exactly like it downtown for fifty cents less—" "And of course she went downtown and bought it," interrupted the book, keeper. "You have said it," rejoined the cashier, "and incidentally she spent a dollar and a half taxicab hire while looking for the place." Sad Case. "I certainly do feel sorry for Mrs. Doppel." "Why so?" "She patronizes Mrs. Dubson when ever she gets a chance, but Mrs. Dub son is blissfully unconscious of it, sc It's no satisfaction to her at all." NOT A PATRIOT. 3 w«*U. Would you be willing to fight foi eour country if necessary?" "Not me. I passed two weeks in the country last summer." Just a Little Game. The sighing lover led a heart, A club the villain played The hotel clerk a diamond had, And the sexton held a spade. An Unexpected Retort. "Where," demanded the female suf frage oratress in a fierce tone, "would man be today were it not for woman?' She paused for a moment, anc glared at the silent audience. "Once more I repeat," she canu back, "Where would man be were ii not for woman?" Then from the gallery in a timic masculine voice, came this answer "He'd be in the garden of Eden eat ing strawberries." The Modern Way. "Say," said the theatrical manage! to the chap who writes between meals "do you want a job?" "What kind of a job?" queried the play manufacturer. "I bought a job lot of scenery at ac auction sale today," explained the t. m., "and I want you to write a plaj to lit it. See?" Still Hopeful. "A girl should think twice befon saving 'yes' wlieil a man proposes." "Host girls do," replied the cynic "Even a mature spinster on the shad} side of thirty likes to think some oth er man wants to marry her white sh is listening to positively the last pro posal she'll ever receive." THE TRUTH. The Reformer—Eternal vigilance la the price of liberty. The Joker—Yes many a man would be In Jail if he didn't watch out. Behind the Scenes. Pull many a man's a pacifist, Philanthropist and all that, let scolds a wife who can't resist And slums the door and kicks the cat. Large Family. "How long does it take you to read your morning paper, Mr. Gadsby?" "About an hour." "You must read it rather closely." "No. I wait 45 minutes to get It." Too Particular. "Six women in our neighborhood started a community kitchen." "IIow did the venture turn out?" "It was a dismal failure. None ol the six would eat what the others cooked." Signs and Portents. "What does it mean when smoke ascends in a straight line?" "That there Is fire somewben about" •XMHOMWtt-M A LOT OF MONEY. "I'll give you $5 for that dog of yours, old man." "Five dollars! Why, that dog's got a pedigree as long as your arm. Cost me $200." "That's all right. You can keep the pedigree. I only want the dog." One More on Mary. Mary had a little lamb Just thirty years ago The chops we had for lunch today Mrs. Wye—Oh, I always tell the men that it's not to be a dress up affair and the women that it is.—Boston Transcript. A Limerick. A clever Scotsman, long ago, With notions sage and conny, Who owned a donkey, lean and slow, Named It "Maxvellton," don't you know Because Its "brays" were bonny. —Nixon Waterman In St. Nicholas. Wise Guy. Mrs. Farmer—Would you work for your board and clothes? Tramp—Never again, mum. I've mar ried for money twice.—Exchange. Bad Policy. "Just one word of caution," said the dealer in hair goods to the new clerk. "Yesslr." "Never tell a lady you have some thing prettier when she is trying to match her hair."—Louisville Courier Journal. Criticism. THE HOPE PIONEER 7 Artist—Ye gods, a cheek for $30. Wife—Oh. Percy, the people will think you forged it. Philadelphia Record. No Sale. Were from that lamb, I know. —Exchange,. Dead Loss. "I can never be yours. Here ure your presents." "All very fine. But who's going to return all those cigars I bought your father and all those quarters I gave your little brother?"—Louisville Cou rier* Journal. Business Method. Employer—Why do you want more pay? Do you think I'm a fool? Office Boy—No, sir! But I thought you'd think I was if I didn't!—Ex change. Strategy. •Mrs. Exe—You always have such wonderful success in getting people to eome to your parties. We hear of bright young pitchers Discovered every day, But some are pitching baseball That should be pitching hay. —New York World. Too Muoh Trouble. Mr. X. Ponnder—Brace up and have some confidence in yourself and youH amount to something. If you have faith you can move mountains. Laay Luke—Oh, well! Who wants 'em moved, anyway? Milwankee News. Not Good For the Gander. The following sign is displayed in a certain bathhouse: "This Place Is Closed at 1 p. m. Sun day So We Can Go Home and Take Our Baths." Which is very similar to the note a traveling man found on the door of a lunchroom in a small town: "Gone Home to Dinner."—Indianapo lis News. Good Reason. "I want you to be nice to the Greens tonight." "Now, why do'you insist on that? You know I have no use for either of them." "I know, but I've just looked over the guests at this party, and the Greens arc the only people here who own a car who go home our way."—Detroit Free Press. How Limpets Stick. Every one Is familiar with the saying "to stick like a limpet." but there are not so many who know how it is that a limpet is able to stick as it does to I the rocks upon which it passes its ex isteuce. The creature is able, by means of the central portion of its body, which can be raised independently of the edge or frill which surrounds it, to create a vacuum, much in the same I way that a piece of soft wet leather can be made to adhere to a smooth surface by pressing out all the air. Thus the so called "strength" of the limpet is largely due to atmospheric pressure. It is not entirely so, how ever, for if they are closely examined it will be seen that the shells accom modate themselves around the edges to the surface of the rock upon which the limpet is located, and if removed to another spot the edge of the shell will probably be found to be a very bad fit and the creature's power of adhesion somewhat lessened. If taken by sur prise with a smart sidelong blow even a large limpet is easily enough dis lodged but, given the slightest warn ing, its power of suction is instantly brought into play, and very often con siderable force is then necessary ere it ean be detached.—London Mail. Taming the Mink. The United States department of agriculture is making experiments in domesticating the mink. Well, here's luck to its efforts—but heaven help the poultryman who tries to rear his chickens near that experimental farm. The mink has fur as fine as the most exacting lady could desire, but his dis position is as bad as that of a Villista bandit, and he has at least as much tunning, lie can dig his way into any inclosure not made of brick, stone or concrete. He loves blood as well as a weasel. He has a perfect genius for evading traps, and he can conduct his depredations so skillfully that for months and even years they will be laid to other marauders, and only the closest observers will know that there is a mink in the neighborhood. The man—or the department—which un dertakes to tame such a creature has a large self confidence.—Chicago Jour nal. Napoleon and a Submarine. The idea of submarine navigation is not so modern as many people imagine. When Napoleon was banished to St. Helena a notorious smuggler named Johnstone conceived the idea of assist ing the dethroned monarch to escape. In Scott's "Life of Napoleon" he says: "A submarine vessel was to be the means of effecting this enterprise. It was thought that by sinking the vessel during the daytime she might escape the notice of the British cruisers and, being raised at night, might approach the guarded rock without discovery. The vessel was actually, begun in one of the building yards upon the Thames but, the peculiarity of her construction having occasioned suspicion, she was seized by the government." Our First Railroad Train. On Aug. 28, 1830, the first American built railroad train made its initial journey. The train carried passengers iu its one little car and made a trip of fourteen miles in one hour and fifteen minutes, to the utter astonishment of the "natives," who predicted all sorts of dire calamities from such speed mad ness. This was the beginning of the Baltimore and Ohio railroad, the oldest American road. A Lasting Flower. A common South African flower, the white star of Bethlehem (Ornithoga lum lacteum), will keep fresh for two months or more after cutting. It can be sent as a cut flower from South Africa to Europe or Asia or America, and then will last for weeks in water. Pruning Trees. In pruning brauches from trees cut them off close up to the origin. Never leave a stub of the portion removed, for the cut surface will never heal over, allowing the decay germs to en ter and gradually work into the body of the tree. Peculiar Lakes. On the Manglshlak peninsula, in tbe Caspian sea, there are five small lakes. One of them is covered with salt crys tals strong enough to allow a man and beast to cross the lake on foot. An other is as round as any circle and a lovely rose color. Its banks of salt crystal form a setting, white as tbe driven snow, to the water, which not only shows all the colors from violet to rosy red, but from which rises a perfume as of violets. Both perfume and color are tbe result of the presence of seaweeds, the violet and the pink. Smiling at Breakfast. One should always wear a smile at breakfast If you are In a good humor at breakfast you will be merry and bright all day. The breakfast face Is the most important face to cultivate. The other faces take care of them selves, for if tbe face is pleasant and easy to look upon in tbe morning it will Improve as the day goes on. But if the breakfast face is hard, scowl ing and forbidding it becomes set in Its'disagreeable form, and It takes hours for it to smooth out into a smile, and that smile is of the sickly, half hearted nature that only expands the heart slightly. It Is worth trying. TELLS OF GREAT WORK Germany's Great Organizer De scribes How Difficulties Were Overcome. STRONGER THAN THE ALIiES Declares Success of Work Is Due to Fact That Germany's Industrie* Quickly Adapted Themselves to War Conditions. Berlin.—Dr. Walter Rathenau, In charge of all raw materials for the German government, has written a book in which the famous "wizard" describes the enormous difficulties that confronted him when he was called to his post by the war minister, and the wonderful results accomplished. "When we started our herculean work the war department gave us four small rooms," the great organizer says. "The war minister thought that these offices would be sufficient and he was greatly astonished when I in formed him within two weeks that I needed at least five times as much space. "After much parleying I got twenty rooms, but in another month I had to request forty more. That necessitated the removal of whole sections of the war department. More than 100,000 important documents had to be trans ported to other buildings and the work took weeks. Cramped and Crowded. "In the meantime our labor threat ened to come to a standstill. Although we put desks in every possible corner, and even in the hallways, we were not able to make room for our ever-in creasing working force. When we finally got our sixty rooms we were as cramped and crowded as before, and we continually had to ask for more and more space. Our offices now cover an entire city block and we still need more room. "It is difficult to give a description of our work, because much of what has been done and accomplished must re main secret until the war ends. The public has no idea of the difficulties we had to overcome and the tremen dous labor that was necessary to en able the empire successfully to defy the British blockade. Every man in our department worked from sixteen to eighteen hours every day, including Sundays and holidays, and we all only regretted that the days did not have forty-eight hours, instead of only twen ty-four. "Conferences were always in prog ress from eight o'clock in the morning until midnight, as new plans had to be made continually and often it be came necessary to alter them before tliey were completed. Hard Work Won. "It was hard work, but we won out One of our advantages was that the press paid little attention to us, and we were not hampered by public criticism. Sometimes professors called to tell us that we were all wrong and would have to start anew. Then members of the relchstag came to con vince us that the professors were as wrong as ourselves. "We had to listen to this talk and that meant the loss of much valuable time, but otherwise it did not hurt us. "Our success is principally due to the fact that the German industries adapted themselves to the war condi tions with astounding rapidity and energy. Our manufacturers carried out their task enthusiastically and without losing any words. "While our enemies were telling the world how they would organize and develop their resources we quietly solved the problem, and now we can confidently look into the future. Ger many today is economically and indus trially stronger than the allies and will never break down." PAYS FARE AFTER FIVE YEARS Troubled by Her Conscience, Georglq Woman Passenger Settles for Ride. Dublin, Ga.—On a passenger train to Macon a woman recently paid the conductor 40 cents for a ride she took five years ago. "This is for a ride I took and for which I never paid," she said. "I got on the train and for some reason the conductor did not see me until after the train had left Dublin. "I then paid him a dollar for fare from Dublin to my station, and said nothing about the forty cents up to Dublin. I now want to pay that fare, as it is nothing but right that the road should have it." CAGE NEWLYWED IN CRATE Friends Lock an Ohio Bridegroom Up After Ceremony a "Joke." Fremont, O.—Carl Shuman of-Oak Harbor, whose marriage to Miss Cora Lattimore of Port Clinton occurred recently, was a victim of his friends, when confined in a calf crate and brought to Fremont on a motor truck. friends fixed it up with Officer P. J. McGulre to arrest Shuman for cre ating a disturbance, which was done, and when Shuman was about to be placed in the city jail, Carl Bauch, one of the conspirators, offered "bonds" fer Shuman's appearance In court HOPE TO SOLVE PROBLEM Effort Will Be Made to Find Out How Best to Deal With the Men tally Afflicted. The haudling of the insane, epileptic or defective population may be divided Into three parts. The first lis adequate prevention or diagnosis in the early stages. -The second is provision of physical equipment, such as buildings, plants and ordinary hospitals. The third is making as useful and happy as possible the lives of permanent in mates. Indiuna has done much along the lines of institutional equipment and the demand now Is for a rounding out of the work by more attention to the other two needs. It is suggested that laws providing for the voluntary admission of patients be enacted, and that psychiatric wards or buildings be established. Again, patients. Instead of being kept in dismal idleness, should be employed. Their labor could con tribute materially to their support aa well as make them more cheerful. To this end it is suggested that the indus trial farm colony idea be developed aa against the congested, circumscribed institution. The problem of the mental defec tive is regarded by many as most con fusing. Probably this is because ol lack of complete information. There fore, it has been recommended that the next legislature provide for a commis sion, with liberal support, to go into the whole subject so that relief on an adequate scale may be promoted. Se gregation, education, treatment and de velopment are proposed as aids in eliminating the mental defective from society. The belief is that there should be mental as well as physical exami nation of all school children, so that unfortunates may be detected. The entire subject calls for action in so many quarters that it Is difficult to point out exactly what the legislature, at its forthcoming session, may accom plish. But it is apparent that the ex tension of the industrial farm colony system is possible, not only for epilep tics, but also for those adjudged in sane and for mental defectives.—In dianapolis News. RELIEVES PAIN OF ANGINA Mechanical Exercise, Such as "Stretch ing," Said to Be Valuable in the Treatment of Disease. The terrible pain of angina pectoris can be relieved by simple mechanical exercises, without medicine, accord ing to Dr. Samuel Constable of Lon don. The New York Medical Journal describes how he applied his method to a suffering fellow practitioner: "At once he got his friend to grasp the top bar of the bed with both hands, letting most of his weight fall on the now strongly stretched anus for about 40 seconds. After a short rest he re peated the process some five or six times. Result: Immediate cessation of all pain in arms and some relief of llie chest. "Doctor Constable now' got him on tbe tioor to grasp the bar at the end of the bed with both hands behind his back, bending forward at an angle of about GO degrees, the chest thrown for ward and the head back, thus sub jecting the muscles of the affected area to strong tension. This he repeat ed some half dozen times, each lasting about 40 or f0 seconds. Result: Im mediate cessation of all pains In the chest, the sense of constriction com pletely vanishing." This was repeated about every two hours for several weeks and "on no occasion," says Doctor Constable, "did the stretching fall to give immediate relief." The New York Medical Journal sug gests that dietetic and hay fever asthmatics try these or similar stretch ing exercises for relief from their par oxysms. Double Meaning. "Well," said the far West mayor to the English tourist, "I dunno how you manage these affairs over there, but out here, when some of our boys got tied up in that tliar bankrupt telephone company I was tellin' yer about they became mighty crusty 1" "Oh!" "Yus they didn't like the way the receiver was liandlin' the business no how." "Indeed!" commented the earnest listener "then, may I ask, what they did?" "Sartlnly I wus goin' to tell yer. They just hung up the receiver." —Exchange. Oil From Various Sources. Duriag the last year, in Germany, about 662,250 pounds of oil were ob tained from sunflower seeds, and this year promises a rich crop of poppy seed. Attention has also been drawn to the high percentage of oil con tained In cherry and plum stones, which are usually thrown away. Ac cording to the statistics of 1900 there were 22,000,000 cherry and 70,000,000 plum trees In Germany. Large quan tities of fruit stones were collected by school children last year, but great quantities were thrown away or de stroyed owing to the difficulty of ex tracting the oil from them. Machine Sorts Coffee Beans. A curious German Invention Is a ma chine for sorting coffee beans by color. Each bean pnsses Into a strong beam of light, which it reflects to two sele-, nium cells, and these, by electric con trol of a hopper, deposit the bean in one of several receptacles. The ac tion depends on the different reflective powers of the differently colored beans, by which varying resistances to the electric current are successively pro* duced in the selenium. S 1 .»«•