Clayton herald., August 17, 1867, Image 1

About Clayton herald. (Clayton, Del.) 1867-1870

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INDEPENDENT IN EVERYTHING^NCUTRAL IN NOTHING.
CLAYTON, DEL., SATURDAY MORNING^ AUGUST 17, 1867.
a
n
VOL. I.
NO. 17.
[Written for the "Clayton Herald."]
GYNECOCRACY.
BY JAMES B. RIOOS.
The "United States Gynecocracy Associa
tion," not Ion« since, met In secret council,
In the city of Chicago, for the purpose of tak
ing Into consideration the necessary expe
diency of immediately organizing more ef
fectually their forces^ and devising ways and
means by which to enlist a small number of
the Masculine gender Into their "sacred"
cause, during the setting of which, a care
worn and inquisitive "old maid," one of the
E ,t American "humbugs" and crinoline
race, delivered tho following eharacter
i address, amid the applause of many of
"her sister lunatics :
They come, they come I the females meek,
■With pouting lips and brassy cheek,
And with their hands a banner "hist."
Containing this, their strangfuidvioe—
"Wemu* rule!"
PART SECOND.
to receive tho right
. as laid down in their programme
continu
IIow the females
•of suffra
—tnelr platform and its planks, as
ed by the address, from Part First :
" To prove we're right, this much we'll say,
And set It forth as plain as day,—
That we're all right beyond a doubt,
We'll pop the cork and let it out.
44 It is like this, a giant plan,
Which stretches forth all o'er our land ;
From pole to pole, from lake to lake,
The heart of man we're bound to shake.
M We know full well our magic spell.
Is sweeping fast and soon must tell,
Upon our tools so quickly bought.
And by us-'gals ' so cheaply wrought.
''There's'Andy J. we're bound to get,
The woman's love, the woman's pet,
He's told us plain what he will do.
If wo can fix to put him through.
4 ' He says he'll cause with moment quick—
If we'll but to him closely stick—
His tool s to howl with stretching throat.
That we're the 'gals,' and now must vote.
44 There's Horace G. of New York groat,
America and New York State,
Who says quite l>old in printed form.
That wo must rule or raise a storm.
"There'sold Thad Stevens, strong and great,
With wincing eye, and old bald pate,
Whose sent us word by telegraph.
That we must vote in spite of wrath.
. " Ho says, with us he's bound to stand.
In spite of 4 nigger ' or white
That pettlcotes must have a right,
To cast their votes and make a fight.
« And that thfe day has nearly come,
must ride midst cannon's boom,
When
When shot and shell will rend the air,
And soldier's brave must wear long hair.
" And that we must astride the steed.
With courage great and darting speed,
The battle face, and treason's ire 4
The cannon's roar and musket fire.
44 That we must the 4 breeches ' wear—
Change like Jeff. D. in male attire,—
shoes all change,
most
And that
And on our limbs high boots arrange.
"There is Noell who made a speech,
In Congress hall, that we might screech;—
In Washington you know
Where we must ride and drive the team.
" He's told you plain that we're all right,
In morn
And that our smiles when brought to bear.
Will make men dance, curse and swear.
"There's Stanton now, whose 'bout to flunk,
A party tool--a nasty skunk,
Who sends
And feel it high, distinction proud.
eve or shades of night,
crowd,
word he'll join
office want,
4 * He says he does
For if put out he'll grow quite guant,
And sends to
Which I will read, and with much care.
an offer fair,
within oqr hand,
"We hold it
And its brief lines will quickly scan,
It is but short and written well,
And soon his welcome tale will tell.
44 Ye Ladies fair, ye gallant band,
Y e flowers of our native land,
Ye angels true, ye darling pets,
My greatest hopes and sad regrets.
" Perhaps you've heard with quaking heart,
That office from, I now must part ;
Although I've plead and done my best,
That I might stay In quiet rest.
44 Now women good, my only prop,
My only aid by which to stop,
My sinking down from fame so great,
I now hold hard, and on you wait.
" I here will state in language strong,
If you'll aid me, I'll ring your 'gong,'
The pepple tell from town to town,
That you intend a queen to crown.
44 1 send you names of many men.
Who, to your list you can append,
Who're 4 biling ' now for you to vote,—
To don the panta*and shed your coat.
"Theyonly want an office too,
A little pay for what they do;
They see it now, their game Is dead,
While Andy rules and Is their head.
, "Sohence their ory and early bid,
To hide their crimes and keep them hid,
Then you I pray ray ladles good,
To save these
and give them food,
44 If you will dance the fiddler pay,
For such Is life both night and day,
You'll find it so,
You steer your ship
matter how,
or poirrt her prow.
(To b® Continued.)
of
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at
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in
a
ßetert ffitttty.
HOW I LOST HER
A TALE OF UNFORTUNATE LOVE.
BY A GENTLEMAN.
I suppose I have a right to sign myself
44 Gentleman ," because I don't have to
work for a living, and can smoke cigars
and drink liquor all the time if I like,
for my father has got rich on contracts
since the late war begun, and I am, as
his only son and heir, kept well supplied
with the "needful," to make a show in
the world with. My tailor and boot
maker moke me fashionable—Wippert
& Slote hats me, I show a fast team on
Delaware street, and attend all the ope
ras—I must be a gentleman. But that
is not my story. I will tell that, and
then I know I shall have the sympathy
of the reader.
I met a lady just two weeks ago to a
day from the time when I sit down to
write this story. I met her going up
Franklin street, in company with & lady
whom I had known for years, and was
by the latter introduced to her. She,
the lady first spoken of, was very band
some—the ouly handsome red-headed
lady I ever saw. Some people might
have called her hair auburn—I call it
red—it was a rich mahogany color. Her
eyes were black as jet, her skin the pur
est, clearest red and white you ever saw.
Her features were regular, rather Span
ish in style, I think, and her figure
plump, but as graceful as could be.
I fell in love with lier the moment my
eyes rested upon her, even before my
friend gaVe her name in favoring me
wtih an Introduction.
Miss Mehitable Ann Jenkins was her
name. Not very romantic, but what
was a name when the lady herself was
to perfectly angelic.
I asked aud received permission to join
them in the promenmle, and aovn
ed that the adorable Mehitable Ann was
in town for only a week's visit, that she
was staying at the Tiffb House, Main
street, with the lady who was with her,
that she was the only daughter of a
wealthy West Chester county former,
and lived only an hour's r de from Hud
son on the Harlem Railroad. I also
learned from her own lips that she was
distractingly fond of music, and in con
sequence invited both the ladies to honor
my box at the opera with their presence.
They accepted, and I was in the seventh
heaven of delight right away. They
would go that very night. And they
would ride behind my fast trotters
Delaware on the next afternoon, if the
sun shone. I would like to have seen
it refuse to shine on that occasion. It
knew better.
Both engagements—the opera and the
drive—were kept. I hinted a yacht ex
cursion up the lake. That they thought
would be delightful. I bought a yacht
which I had been looking at before, and
the sail came off. My auburn-haired
angel was delighted. She was not a bit
sea sick, though we * went into the lati
tude of Duck Island, and her appetite
for lobster salad, ham sandwiches and
Heidsiek, was even freshened by tho sea
air. I was supremely happy, the dear
gill enjoyed herself so much.
The week of her stay In the city at last
ended, and I was almost in despair when
she said she must £o home, she cofild
not put off her return any longer.
But she lessened my misery by say
ing that it pained her to part with me—
I had been so very kind to her, and she
hoped I would come up to Wenseeko to
see her* Her father would be very glad
to see me, and she hoped I would come.
Would I not promise to do so?
Of course I would, and did, and ten
derly I pressed her hand when we part
ed. And she returned the pressure—I
am sure she did ! and I told her that not
a week would elapse before I visited
her in the paternal mansion.
That night I dreamed of her—the next
day thought of nothing but her. I had
joined a club some few weeks previous,
and was down for a speech to them.
But I had so much of the Mehitable Ann
in my mind that I gave the speech the
go by. It
its members were to wear tho Southern
badge, Jeff. Davis' portrait, with a star
each side of it, and an eagle above and
below it.
Mehitable Ann did not see the badge,
for I did not put it on until the evening
after she went away, when I visited the
club. It was a showy-looking thing—
it
a
a rule of our club that
something like the cross of the Legion
of Honor. I thought Mehitable Ann
would like it, too. Father is an out
an-out Southerner, for he got his con
tracts out of Jeff. Davis, and made his
fortune by it. I never would have been
a gentleman if it band't been for Jefl.
Davis and them contracts.
I waited three days after Mehitable
Ann had gone home—three miserable,
lonely days, and then I made up my
mind to go and see her. She had told
me just how to reach her. I was to take
the three o'clock train, and when I
reached Wenseeko station, to get into a
stage, and toll the driver to let me out
at the mansion of Joshua Jenkins, which
ho would pass on his route.
I took the train, arrived at the station,
found the stage, and asked the driver if
lie could leave me at the house of Joshua
Jenkins.
He said he reckoned he could, and
told me to jump in.
The stage was full of women and ba
bies ; but I found room, and got in. I
saw that the driver and a man in soldier
clothes, that sat with him, looked at my
badge right sharp, and seemed to be
talking about it. The driver had a red
face, and swore at his horses, so I took
him to be a Democrat. But I didn't
care for that. I was a gentleman, and
my father was a contractor, and I has a
huckleberry above his persimmon any
way.
But to go on. The Stage went three or
four miles, I should think, before it
stopped, and then the driver said :
44 Young man, there is Josh Jenkins'
house. Take a good look at it now, for
I don't believe you'll stay around a
grout while with the colors you wear Î",
I thought his remarks were devilish
impertinent, but I was too much of a
gentleman to bandy words with a stage
driver, so I paid my fare and got out.
ï did feel annoyed with the fellow,
though; but all feelings of annoyance
vanished in an Instant when T saw my
red-haired angel waiting for me at the
front gate of the house before me.
In an instant I v/as by her side.
44 I'm so glad to see you !" she whis"
pered, as she pressed in y extended hand.
"There is father at tho door. Come, and
I will introduce you to him!"
I went in with her, my heart beating
a wedding march with all tho variations.
44 Father, this is the gentleman whom
I told you about, that was so kind to me
in the city!" she cried. "Mr. Ralph
Brundage, father!"
I looked the old gentleman in the face,
and extended my hand. He had a very
red face, an extraordinarily red face,
and he was a very large man. That was
all that 1 had time to notice before he
spoke.
"What's that you've got on your
coat?" he asked» pointing to my badge.
" That, sir," said I, thinking to make
a hit, "is the honored portrait of the
Father of his Country, of the greatest
statesman and.most eminent man of the
present age, the renowned Jefferson Da
vis, President now, and President to be
again!"
"Aro you a Southerner?" he asked,
very quickly.
"I am proud to say that I am, sir—a
regular War Eagle !" I answered.
"Then the sooner you get off my front
stoop, and clear off my land, the better
it will be for your black Southern hide!"
he shouted.
Be quick, and start be
fore I set my dogs on you! Mehitable
Ann, get into the house with yourself,
and if ever I know of your speaking to
this man again, I'll send you to a lunat
is asylum !"
I wanted to say something, but he was
calling his dogs, and Mehitable Ann ran
crying into the house, and I knew that
was no place for me to hold an argument,
And so I started. But his infernal dogs,
two great bull dogs at that, were after
me, and when I got to the village, a
mile below, 1 hadn't much of ray pant
aloons left
me, and I think there
were at least fifty bites on my legs and
thereabouts. I got into a tavern, and
when they found I had money, they
drove off the dogs and got a doctor for
me, and another pair of pants. And
when I told them how Mr. Jenkins had
treated me, they said it was no wonder ;
there was not a man in town that was
not Union, and it would be
my life was worth to think of staying
the night where I was. They advised
me to throw my badge into the fir®,
treat everybody that came in, and take
a team for Whit® Plains as soon as pos
much as
aible. I saw the peril of ttiÿ position,
and took their advice. I paid flay dol*
lars for a team find a safe escort to tho
railroad, and got back to Buffalo a sorer,
if not a wiser man.
I have never seen Mehitable Aim
since, and 1 never expect to again< If
I did, I should be afraid that her red
faced father and his awful dôgs were
near, and tho thoughts of them would
kill me.
Brother "War Eagles,
look out for
red-faced fathers. They are not of us,
and they keep bod dogs, as I know
from experience .—Buffalo Gazette , N. Y.
Alphabetical Advice.
A. Always attend to your avocation
avoid ale-houses and artful women.
B. Be benevolent but not prodigal}
bury all bickerings in the bosom of for
getfulness.
C. Contrive to collect casb, and kqop it
D. Do your duty and defy the devil.
E. Early endeavor to eradicate every
error, both of head and heart.
F. Fight fairly when you fight ; but
the better way is not to fight at all.
Fiddle for no fools.
G. Graces, goodness, gumption, and a
little goose-grease, enable a man to slip
through the world mighty easy. Get
them and glory in them.
H. Harbor hope in your heart if you
would be happy ; but hark ye, hope
can't render rotton the rope of the hang
man.
. I. Inquisitiveness is insufferable ; in
dulge not in it.
J. Juleps may be called the juice of
joy and the yeast of jest; but let them
alone, for too much joking often destroys
the joviality of the social circle.
K. Kindness kindles tho fire of friend
ship. A kiss avails more than a kick.
L. Love the ladies—look before you
leap—eschew loaforism.
M. Make not mischief by meddling
with other folks' business.
n. Never be caught napping, except
in the night time.
O. Order is Heaven's best law—obey it.
P. Pursue the plain path of probity,
and put in practice what you will give
in precept,
Q. Quarrel not—quibble not—be not
fond of asking questions, or addicted to
queries.
R. Rum surely ruins respectability
renounce, renew, and renovate.
S. Seek salvation, oh, ye sinners ! be*
come saints, and you are safe.
T. Take time by the forelock ; try to
turn every moment to account.
U. Union unites* to unity; in tho
whole universe there is unisbn; be you,
therefore, united for the sake of unison.
Y. Vanity has no connection with va
lor, remember that.
W. Women and wine bring want, and
woe, and wretchedness, when wickedly
indulged in.
X. 'Xtra'xertions accomplish 'xtra
ordihary ends»
Y„ Yield to
tyrant ; yeomen and
their yoke-fellows are lords of the soil.
Z. Zig-zagging is characteristic of a
zany; take a straight course through
life, and pursue it..
&. <fe mind your own business, & let
others aloné, & c.
Lc ok Here, Girls.— My pretty little
dears, you are no more fit for matrimo
ny than a pullet is to look after a family
of fourteen chickens. The truth is, my
dear girls, you want, generally speak
ing, mpre liberty and less fashionable
restraint ; more kitchen and less parlor;
more exercise and less sofa; more mak
ing puddings and less piano; more frank
ness and less mock modesty. I like a
buxom, bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked,
bouncing lass who can darn stockings,
make her own frocks, mend trousers,
command a regiment of pots and pans,
and shoot wild duck as well as Duchess
of Marlboro' or the Queen of Spain;
and be a lady withal in the drawing
room. But as for your piping, moping,
screwed up, wasp waisted, putty-faced,
music - murdering,
daughters of fashion and idleness, with
your consumption-soled shoes, and silk
stockings, you won't do for wives anti
mothers.— Mrs. Ellis ' Lectures.
novel-devouring
—Dr. Browne having long admired a
very beautiful young lady, made a point
of always giving her for bis toast. Be
ing told it was time to change it, be re
plied, 44 1 believe it is ; for though I have
been toasting her for these twenty years,
I have not been able to make her brown
yet."
A Wonderful Invention.
I'he Wheeling Intelligence!' says the
Rev. Ashby Stephens, well known
throughout West Virginia as a Methodist
minister, now a teacher at Point Pleas
ant, has invented a clock which may
justly be ranked among the remarkable
inventions of tho times. It is not, ac
curately speaking, a clock, but an at
tachment Which may bo joined to any
clock. It calculates with scientific pre
cision thé rising and setting of the sun»
moon and stars,—Shows the changes in
tho moon, and calculates all tho eclipses*
It shows the right ascension and des»
cension of the stars, the placo of the sun
and moon in the zodiac, and in what
constellation, with many other of tho
celestial phenomena. Thus it will do for
one hundred years to come« At the end
of that lime it would have to be stopped,
so as to lose a day to make the calcu
lation correct for tho next hundred
years—a necessity growing out of the
fact, understood by seien tifie men, that
calendar time does not absolutely corres
pond with actual time, so tliut in a
century the former gains a day. Mr.
Stephens, who seems to have a genius
for mechanism, made his contrivance
throughout with his own hands. He
calls it an"astronoinical clock, " and in
tends claiming, a potent for it.
The Geyuebs or Nevada.— About 20
miles from Carson city, Nevada, are
some remarkable mineral springs called
the Steamboat Springs, from the noise
they make, which sounds like several
steamers discharging steam. These
springs cover an area of about three
acres. The water is boiling hot, and the
escaping steam can be seen for several
miles before sunrise, and the atmos
phere in the vicinity is filled with tho
smell of sulphur. The water cures the
rheumatism effectually. There are cre
vices in the rocks where the water can
be seen boiling at a depth of thirty feet.
There is also a spring which is called
the Breathing Spring. It is shaped
much like a well. The water recedes to
the depth of ten or twelve feet, and re
mains calm for five minutes, and then
commences to boil, and rises until it
shoots in the air above ten feet, and iu
five minutes it begins to recede»
Men One Would Rather not Meet.
—Mgd who tell stories that run into one
another, so that you find it very difilcult
to get away at the end of them.
Men who have quarreled with all of
their relatives»
Men who have been betrayed and
abandohed in the most heartless manner
by all their friends.
Men who have been prosecuted and
swindled by a general conspiracy of
everybody.
Men who imitate popular actors.
Men who aro always asking, "don't
you think so?"
Men who ate always "putting a case."
Men who agree with you too much.
Men who " feel inclined to join issue
with you there."
An Extraordinary Lake.— In Ne
vada, near Bagtown, there is a small
lake, the surface of which is covered,
like ice, with alkali to the depth of ten
lo twenty inches, almost perfectly white
and pure. The wator, which is slightly
impregnated with it, does not seem to be
particularly injurious to man or beast.
It is sometimes
troy vegetation, though it is the very
substance our farmers are ever ready to
add to tho soil as a fertilizer, in tho
shape of leeched or unleeched wood
ashes. A traveler declared, after eating
several meals in succession at the over
land stations, of soda biscuit and rancid
bacon, and partaking freely of this wa
ter, that he was fast turning into a min
iature sonp-foctory.
abundant as to des
—During one of the battles on the Mis
sisippi, General Pillow called out to a
Captain Duncan, in his usual pompous,
solemn manner, "Captain Duncan, fire!
—the crisis has come." Duncan'with
out saying a word, turned to his men,
who were standingby, their guns already
shotted and primed, and simply called
out 44 Fire !" The men were slightly sur
prised at the order, their being no par
ticular object within range, when an
old grey-headed Irish Bergeant stepped
up with, "Plaze yer honor, what shall
wo fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said
Duncan, "did't you hear the general say
it had come?"
guunorott^
—Old Dr. A-was a quack, and a
occasion ho
very ignorant one. On
was called by mistake to attend a coun
cil of physicians in a critical cast*. After .
considerable discussion, thcopinii
expressed by one that the patient was
convalescent. When it came to Doctor
A- 's turn to speak: "Convalescent!"
said lie; 44 why that's nothing serious ;
I have cured convalescence in .twenty- •
four hours !"
—A gentleman was describing to
Dougins Jerroltl the story of his court
ship and marriage.—how his wife had
been brought up in a convent, and was
on the point of taking tho veil, when his
presence burst upon her onrapturod
sight, and she accepted him as her hus
band. Jerrold listened to. tho cud ot tho
story, and then quietly remarked, " Sliu
simply thought you better than nun."
—An impatient Welshman called to
his wife—"Come, come, isn't breakfast
ready? I've had nothing since yester
day, and to-morrow will be tho third
day!" This is equal to the call of tho
stirring housewife, who roused her maid
with, "Come, Bridget, get up! Hero
'tis Monday morning, to morrow is
Tuesday, the next day 's Wednesday
half the week gone and nothing dono
yet!"
—An Irishman who had left his native
country, and sought an asylum in Amer
ica because it was a land of liberty, was
attacked on his first arrival, in December,
by a furious mastiff. He stopped to
pick up a stone to defend himself, but
the stone was frozen fast. 4 'By my soul,*'
says Pat, "what a swato country, whero
the dogs are all let loose and the stones
tied fast.
—Two good-natured Irishmen, on a
certain occasion, occupied tho same bed.
In the morning one of them inquired of
the other, "Dennis, did you hear tli o
thunder last night ?" "No, Pat; did it
raly thunder ?" "Yes, it .thundered ns
if hiven and airth would come togithor."
"Why, thin, didn't ye wake me? for
you know I can't slape whin it thunters.' r
*—A schoolbdy being asked by his
teacher, " Of what is tho German Diet
constituted?" replied, "Sour krout f
schnapps, lagor beer and nix cum rous."
This lad must have been cousin-german
to the boy who, on being shown a pic
ture of "Luther and the Diet of Worms,"
said, "Papa, I see Luther, but where aro
the worms that he is going to eat? 1 '
—Two old friends mot, not long since,
after a separation of thirty-five years.
"Well, Tom," said one, "how has the
world gone with you, old boy? married'
yet?" "Yes, and I've got a family you
can't match—seven boys and one girl."
" I can match it exactly," was tho reply
"for I have seven girls and.one boy."
—Dr. Dosey was ill : his friend, Rev.
Peter Quick, applied to the patron for
the next presentation ; but tho doctor
recovered, and upbraided tho Rev. Peter
for such a breach of friendship, saying,
"You looked for my death." "No, no»'
doctor," said Peter, "you quite mistake;*
it was your livitig I looked for."
—The compliment of n Western Cler
gyman to his female worshippers is
worth remembering: "Bo not proud
that the blessed Lord paid your sex the
distinguished compliment of appearing
first to a female qfter the resurrection,
for it was only done that the glad tidings
might spread the sooner."
—A young man recently Wrote to his
sweetheart, saying, "There is not a glo
bule of blood in my heart which does
not bear your photograph." He had it
very bad, hadn't he?
—An exchange says that such men
Johnson and Seward are the cream of
the country. If they are, the sooner the
country is skimmed the better for it.
—Mr. Links went to Washington a
few days ago, but soon returned in high
dudgeon, because, while on a small
spree, he had been mistaken for Andrew
Johnson.
—Pre ntice says the muddy streets of
Louisville are proof that the inhabitants
not transgressors; for the way of
transgressors is hard.
—The ladies promise that if they are
allowed to vote they will elect their can
didate by "handsome" as well as "sweep
ing" majorities.
\