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/ 4 c Oil 0 t INDEPENDENT IN EVERYTHING^NCUTRAL IN NOTHING. CLAYTON, DEL., SATURDAY MORNING^ AUGUST 17, 1867. a n VOL. I. NO. 17. [Written for the "Clayton Herald."] GYNECOCRACY. BY JAMES B. RIOOS. The "United States Gynecocracy Associa tion," not Ion« since, met In secret council, In the city of Chicago, for the purpose of tak ing Into consideration the necessary expe diency of immediately organizing more ef fectually their forces^ and devising ways and means by which to enlist a small number of the Masculine gender Into their "sacred" cause, during the setting of which, a care worn and inquisitive "old maid," one of the E ,t American "humbugs" and crinoline race, delivered tho following eharacter i address, amid the applause of many of "her sister lunatics : They come, they come I the females meek, ■With pouting lips and brassy cheek, And with their hands a banner "hist." Containing this, their strangfuidvioe— "Wemu* rule!" PART SECOND. to receive tho right . as laid down in their programme continu IIow the females •of suffra —tnelr platform and its planks, as ed by the address, from Part First : " To prove we're right, this much we'll say, And set It forth as plain as day,— That we're all right beyond a doubt, We'll pop the cork and let it out. 44 It is like this, a giant plan, Which stretches forth all o'er our land ; From pole to pole, from lake to lake, The heart of man we're bound to shake. M We know full well our magic spell. Is sweeping fast and soon must tell, Upon our tools so quickly bought. And by us-'gals ' so cheaply wrought. ''There's'Andy J. we're bound to get, The woman's love, the woman's pet, He's told us plain what he will do. If wo can fix to put him through. 4 ' He says he'll cause with moment quick— If we'll but to him closely stick— His tool s to howl with stretching throat. That we're the 'gals,' and now must vote. 44 There's Horace G. of New York groat, America and New York State, Who says quite l>old in printed form. That wo must rule or raise a storm. "There'sold Thad Stevens, strong and great, With wincing eye, and old bald pate, Whose sent us word by telegraph. That we must vote in spite of wrath. . " Ho says, with us he's bound to stand. In spite of 4 nigger ' or white That pettlcotes must have a right, To cast their votes and make a fight. « And that thfe day has nearly come, must ride midst cannon's boom, When When shot and shell will rend the air, And soldier's brave must wear long hair. " And that we must astride the steed. With courage great and darting speed, The battle face, and treason's ire 4 The cannon's roar and musket fire. 44 That we must the 4 breeches ' wear— Change like Jeff. D. in male attire,— shoes all change, most And that And on our limbs high boots arrange. "There is Noell who made a speech, In Congress hall, that we might screech;— In Washington you know Where we must ride and drive the team. " He's told you plain that we're all right, In morn And that our smiles when brought to bear. Will make men dance, curse and swear. "There's Stanton now, whose 'bout to flunk, A party tool--a nasty skunk, Who sends And feel it high, distinction proud. eve or shades of night, crowd, word he'll join office want, 4 * He says he does For if put out he'll grow quite guant, And sends to Which I will read, and with much care. an offer fair, within oqr hand, "We hold it And its brief lines will quickly scan, It is but short and written well, And soon his welcome tale will tell. 44 Ye Ladies fair, ye gallant band, Y e flowers of our native land, Ye angels true, ye darling pets, My greatest hopes and sad regrets. " Perhaps you've heard with quaking heart, That office from, I now must part ; Although I've plead and done my best, That I might stay In quiet rest. 44 Now women good, my only prop, My only aid by which to stop, My sinking down from fame so great, I now hold hard, and on you wait. " I here will state in language strong, If you'll aid me, I'll ring your 'gong,' The pepple tell from town to town, That you intend a queen to crown. 44 1 send you names of many men. Who, to your list you can append, Who're 4 biling ' now for you to vote,— To don the panta*and shed your coat. "Theyonly want an office too, A little pay for what they do; They see it now, their game Is dead, While Andy rules and Is their head. , "Sohence their ory and early bid, To hide their crimes and keep them hid, Then you I pray ray ladles good, To save these and give them food, 44 If you will dance the fiddler pay, For such Is life both night and day, You'll find it so, You steer your ship matter how, or poirrt her prow. (To b® Continued.) of a at I I a I in a ßetert ffitttty. HOW I LOST HER A TALE OF UNFORTUNATE LOVE. BY A GENTLEMAN. I suppose I have a right to sign myself 44 Gentleman ," because I don't have to work for a living, and can smoke cigars and drink liquor all the time if I like, for my father has got rich on contracts since the late war begun, and I am, as his only son and heir, kept well supplied with the "needful," to make a show in the world with. My tailor and boot maker moke me fashionable—Wippert & Slote hats me, I show a fast team on Delaware street, and attend all the ope ras—I must be a gentleman. But that is not my story. I will tell that, and then I know I shall have the sympathy of the reader. I met a lady just two weeks ago to a day from the time when I sit down to write this story. I met her going up Franklin street, in company with & lady whom I had known for years, and was by the latter introduced to her. She, the lady first spoken of, was very band some—the ouly handsome red-headed lady I ever saw. Some people might have called her hair auburn—I call it red—it was a rich mahogany color. Her eyes were black as jet, her skin the pur est, clearest red and white you ever saw. Her features were regular, rather Span ish in style, I think, and her figure plump, but as graceful as could be. I fell in love with lier the moment my eyes rested upon her, even before my friend gaVe her name in favoring me wtih an Introduction. Miss Mehitable Ann Jenkins was her name. Not very romantic, but what was a name when the lady herself was to perfectly angelic. I asked aud received permission to join them in the promenmle, and aovn ed that the adorable Mehitable Ann was in town for only a week's visit, that she was staying at the Tiffb House, Main street, with the lady who was with her, that she was the only daughter of a wealthy West Chester county former, and lived only an hour's r de from Hud son on the Harlem Railroad. I also learned from her own lips that she was distractingly fond of music, and in con sequence invited both the ladies to honor my box at the opera with their presence. They accepted, and I was in the seventh heaven of delight right away. They would go that very night. And they would ride behind my fast trotters Delaware on the next afternoon, if the sun shone. I would like to have seen it refuse to shine on that occasion. It knew better. Both engagements—the opera and the drive—were kept. I hinted a yacht ex cursion up the lake. That they thought would be delightful. I bought a yacht which I had been looking at before, and the sail came off. My auburn-haired angel was delighted. She was not a bit sea sick, though we * went into the lati tude of Duck Island, and her appetite for lobster salad, ham sandwiches and Heidsiek, was even freshened by tho sea air. I was supremely happy, the dear gill enjoyed herself so much. The week of her stay In the city at last ended, and I was almost in despair when she said she must £o home, she cofild not put off her return any longer. But she lessened my misery by say ing that it pained her to part with me— I had been so very kind to her, and she hoped I would come up to Wenseeko to see her* Her father would be very glad to see me, and she hoped I would come. Would I not promise to do so? Of course I would, and did, and ten derly I pressed her hand when we part ed. And she returned the pressure—I am sure she did ! and I told her that not a week would elapse before I visited her in the paternal mansion. That night I dreamed of her—the next day thought of nothing but her. I had joined a club some few weeks previous, and was down for a speech to them. But I had so much of the Mehitable Ann in my mind that I gave the speech the go by. It its members were to wear tho Southern badge, Jeff. Davis' portrait, with a star each side of it, and an eagle above and below it. Mehitable Ann did not see the badge, for I did not put it on until the evening after she went away, when I visited the club. It was a showy-looking thing— it a a rule of our club that something like the cross of the Legion of Honor. I thought Mehitable Ann would like it, too. Father is an out an-out Southerner, for he got his con tracts out of Jeff. Davis, and made his fortune by it. I never would have been a gentleman if it band't been for Jefl. Davis and them contracts. I waited three days after Mehitable Ann had gone home—three miserable, lonely days, and then I made up my mind to go and see her. She had told me just how to reach her. I was to take the three o'clock train, and when I reached Wenseeko station, to get into a stage, and toll the driver to let me out at the mansion of Joshua Jenkins, which ho would pass on his route. I took the train, arrived at the station, found the stage, and asked the driver if lie could leave me at the house of Joshua Jenkins. He said he reckoned he could, and told me to jump in. The stage was full of women and ba bies ; but I found room, and got in. I saw that the driver and a man in soldier clothes, that sat with him, looked at my badge right sharp, and seemed to be talking about it. The driver had a red face, and swore at his horses, so I took him to be a Democrat. But I didn't care for that. I was a gentleman, and my father was a contractor, and I has a huckleberry above his persimmon any way. But to go on. The Stage went three or four miles, I should think, before it stopped, and then the driver said : 44 Young man, there is Josh Jenkins' house. Take a good look at it now, for I don't believe you'll stay around a grout while with the colors you wear Î", I thought his remarks were devilish impertinent, but I was too much of a gentleman to bandy words with a stage driver, so I paid my fare and got out. ï did feel annoyed with the fellow, though; but all feelings of annoyance vanished in an Instant when T saw my red-haired angel waiting for me at the front gate of the house before me. In an instant I v/as by her side. 44 I'm so glad to see you !" she whis" pered, as she pressed in y extended hand. "There is father at tho door. Come, and I will introduce you to him!" I went in with her, my heart beating a wedding march with all tho variations. 44 Father, this is the gentleman whom I told you about, that was so kind to me in the city!" she cried. "Mr. Ralph Brundage, father!" I looked the old gentleman in the face, and extended my hand. He had a very red face, an extraordinarily red face, and he was a very large man. That was all that 1 had time to notice before he spoke. "What's that you've got on your coat?" he asked» pointing to my badge. " That, sir," said I, thinking to make a hit, "is the honored portrait of the Father of his Country, of the greatest statesman and.most eminent man of the present age, the renowned Jefferson Da vis, President now, and President to be again!" "Aro you a Southerner?" he asked, very quickly. "I am proud to say that I am, sir—a regular War Eagle !" I answered. "Then the sooner you get off my front stoop, and clear off my land, the better it will be for your black Southern hide!" he shouted. Be quick, and start be fore I set my dogs on you! Mehitable Ann, get into the house with yourself, and if ever I know of your speaking to this man again, I'll send you to a lunat is asylum !" I wanted to say something, but he was calling his dogs, and Mehitable Ann ran crying into the house, and I knew that was no place for me to hold an argument, And so I started. But his infernal dogs, two great bull dogs at that, were after me, and when I got to the village, a mile below, 1 hadn't much of ray pant aloons left me, and I think there were at least fifty bites on my legs and thereabouts. I got into a tavern, and when they found I had money, they drove off the dogs and got a doctor for me, and another pair of pants. And when I told them how Mr. Jenkins had treated me, they said it was no wonder ; there was not a man in town that was not Union, and it would be my life was worth to think of staying the night where I was. They advised me to throw my badge into the fir®, treat everybody that came in, and take a team for Whit® Plains as soon as pos much as aible. I saw the peril of ttiÿ position, and took their advice. I paid flay dol* lars for a team find a safe escort to tho railroad, and got back to Buffalo a sorer, if not a wiser man. I have never seen Mehitable Aim since, and 1 never expect to again< If I did, I should be afraid that her red faced father and his awful dôgs were near, and tho thoughts of them would kill me. Brother "War Eagles, look out for red-faced fathers. They are not of us, and they keep bod dogs, as I know from experience .—Buffalo Gazette , N. Y. Alphabetical Advice. A. Always attend to your avocation avoid ale-houses and artful women. B. Be benevolent but not prodigal} bury all bickerings in the bosom of for getfulness. C. Contrive to collect casb, and kqop it D. Do your duty and defy the devil. E. Early endeavor to eradicate every error, both of head and heart. F. Fight fairly when you fight ; but the better way is not to fight at all. Fiddle for no fools. G. Graces, goodness, gumption, and a little goose-grease, enable a man to slip through the world mighty easy. Get them and glory in them. H. Harbor hope in your heart if you would be happy ; but hark ye, hope can't render rotton the rope of the hang man. . I. Inquisitiveness is insufferable ; in dulge not in it. J. Juleps may be called the juice of joy and the yeast of jest; but let them alone, for too much joking often destroys the joviality of the social circle. K. Kindness kindles tho fire of friend ship. A kiss avails more than a kick. L. Love the ladies—look before you leap—eschew loaforism. M. Make not mischief by meddling with other folks' business. n. Never be caught napping, except in the night time. O. Order is Heaven's best law—obey it. P. Pursue the plain path of probity, and put in practice what you will give in precept, Q. Quarrel not—quibble not—be not fond of asking questions, or addicted to queries. R. Rum surely ruins respectability renounce, renew, and renovate. S. Seek salvation, oh, ye sinners ! be* come saints, and you are safe. T. Take time by the forelock ; try to turn every moment to account. U. Union unites* to unity; in tho whole universe there is unisbn; be you, therefore, united for the sake of unison. Y. Vanity has no connection with va lor, remember that. W. Women and wine bring want, and woe, and wretchedness, when wickedly indulged in. X. 'Xtra'xertions accomplish 'xtra ordihary ends» Y„ Yield to tyrant ; yeomen and their yoke-fellows are lords of the soil. Z. Zig-zagging is characteristic of a zany; take a straight course through life, and pursue it.. &. <fe mind your own business, & let others aloné, & c. Lc ok Here, Girls.— My pretty little dears, you are no more fit for matrimo ny than a pullet is to look after a family of fourteen chickens. The truth is, my dear girls, you want, generally speak ing, mpre liberty and less fashionable restraint ; more kitchen and less parlor; more exercise and less sofa; more mak ing puddings and less piano; more frank ness and less mock modesty. I like a buxom, bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked, bouncing lass who can darn stockings, make her own frocks, mend trousers, command a regiment of pots and pans, and shoot wild duck as well as Duchess of Marlboro' or the Queen of Spain; and be a lady withal in the drawing room. But as for your piping, moping, screwed up, wasp waisted, putty-faced, music - murdering, daughters of fashion and idleness, with your consumption-soled shoes, and silk stockings, you won't do for wives anti mothers.— Mrs. Ellis ' Lectures. novel-devouring —Dr. Browne having long admired a very beautiful young lady, made a point of always giving her for bis toast. Be ing told it was time to change it, be re plied, 44 1 believe it is ; for though I have been toasting her for these twenty years, I have not been able to make her brown yet." A Wonderful Invention. I'he Wheeling Intelligence!' says the Rev. Ashby Stephens, well known throughout West Virginia as a Methodist minister, now a teacher at Point Pleas ant, has invented a clock which may justly be ranked among the remarkable inventions of tho times. It is not, ac curately speaking, a clock, but an at tachment Which may bo joined to any clock. It calculates with scientific pre cision thé rising and setting of the sun» moon and stars,—Shows the changes in tho moon, and calculates all tho eclipses* It shows the right ascension and des» cension of the stars, the placo of the sun and moon in the zodiac, and in what constellation, with many other of tho celestial phenomena. Thus it will do for one hundred years to come« At the end of that lime it would have to be stopped, so as to lose a day to make the calcu lation correct for tho next hundred years—a necessity growing out of the fact, understood by seien tifie men, that calendar time does not absolutely corres pond with actual time, so tliut in a century the former gains a day. Mr. Stephens, who seems to have a genius for mechanism, made his contrivance throughout with his own hands. He calls it an"astronoinical clock, " and in tends claiming, a potent for it. The Geyuebs or Nevada.— About 20 miles from Carson city, Nevada, are some remarkable mineral springs called the Steamboat Springs, from the noise they make, which sounds like several steamers discharging steam. These springs cover an area of about three acres. The water is boiling hot, and the escaping steam can be seen for several miles before sunrise, and the atmos phere in the vicinity is filled with tho smell of sulphur. The water cures the rheumatism effectually. There are cre vices in the rocks where the water can be seen boiling at a depth of thirty feet. There is also a spring which is called the Breathing Spring. It is shaped much like a well. The water recedes to the depth of ten or twelve feet, and re mains calm for five minutes, and then commences to boil, and rises until it shoots in the air above ten feet, and iu five minutes it begins to recede» Men One Would Rather not Meet. —Mgd who tell stories that run into one another, so that you find it very difilcult to get away at the end of them. Men who have quarreled with all of their relatives» Men who have been betrayed and abandohed in the most heartless manner by all their friends. Men who have been prosecuted and swindled by a general conspiracy of everybody. Men who imitate popular actors. Men who aro always asking, "don't you think so?" Men who ate always "putting a case." Men who agree with you too much. Men who " feel inclined to join issue with you there." An Extraordinary Lake.— In Ne vada, near Bagtown, there is a small lake, the surface of which is covered, like ice, with alkali to the depth of ten lo twenty inches, almost perfectly white and pure. The wator, which is slightly impregnated with it, does not seem to be particularly injurious to man or beast. It is sometimes troy vegetation, though it is the very substance our farmers are ever ready to add to tho soil as a fertilizer, in tho shape of leeched or unleeched wood ashes. A traveler declared, after eating several meals in succession at the over land stations, of soda biscuit and rancid bacon, and partaking freely of this wa ter, that he was fast turning into a min iature sonp-foctory. abundant as to des —During one of the battles on the Mis sisippi, General Pillow called out to a Captain Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner, "Captain Duncan, fire! —the crisis has come." Duncan'with out saying a word, turned to his men, who were standingby, their guns already shotted and primed, and simply called out 44 Fire !" The men were slightly sur prised at the order, their being no par ticular object within range, when an old grey-headed Irish Bergeant stepped up with, "Plaze yer honor, what shall wo fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan, "did't you hear the general say it had come?" guunorott^ —Old Dr. A-was a quack, and a occasion ho very ignorant one. On was called by mistake to attend a coun cil of physicians in a critical cast*. After . considerable discussion, thcopinii expressed by one that the patient was convalescent. When it came to Doctor A- 's turn to speak: "Convalescent!" said lie; 44 why that's nothing serious ; I have cured convalescence in .twenty- • four hours !" —A gentleman was describing to Dougins Jerroltl the story of his court ship and marriage.—how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking tho veil, when his presence burst upon her onrapturod sight, and she accepted him as her hus band. Jerrold listened to. tho cud ot tho story, and then quietly remarked, " Sliu simply thought you better than nun." —An impatient Welshman called to his wife—"Come, come, isn't breakfast ready? I've had nothing since yester day, and to-morrow will be tho third day!" This is equal to the call of tho stirring housewife, who roused her maid with, "Come, Bridget, get up! Hero 'tis Monday morning, to morrow is Tuesday, the next day 's Wednesday half the week gone and nothing dono yet!" —An Irishman who had left his native country, and sought an asylum in Amer ica because it was a land of liberty, was attacked on his first arrival, in December, by a furious mastiff. He stopped to pick up a stone to defend himself, but the stone was frozen fast. 4 'By my soul,*' says Pat, "what a swato country, whero the dogs are all let loose and the stones tied fast. —Two good-natured Irishmen, on a certain occasion, occupied tho same bed. In the morning one of them inquired of the other, "Dennis, did you hear tli o thunder last night ?" "No, Pat; did it raly thunder ?" "Yes, it .thundered ns if hiven and airth would come togithor." "Why, thin, didn't ye wake me? for you know I can't slape whin it thunters.' r *—A schoolbdy being asked by his teacher, " Of what is tho German Diet constituted?" replied, "Sour krout f schnapps, lagor beer and nix cum rous." This lad must have been cousin-german to the boy who, on being shown a pic ture of "Luther and the Diet of Worms," said, "Papa, I see Luther, but where aro the worms that he is going to eat? 1 ' —Two old friends mot, not long since, after a separation of thirty-five years. "Well, Tom," said one, "how has the world gone with you, old boy? married' yet?" "Yes, and I've got a family you can't match—seven boys and one girl." " I can match it exactly," was tho reply "for I have seven girls and.one boy." —Dr. Dosey was ill : his friend, Rev. Peter Quick, applied to the patron for the next presentation ; but tho doctor recovered, and upbraided tho Rev. Peter for such a breach of friendship, saying, "You looked for my death." "No, no»' doctor," said Peter, "you quite mistake;* it was your livitig I looked for." —The compliment of n Western Cler gyman to his female worshippers is worth remembering: "Bo not proud that the blessed Lord paid your sex the distinguished compliment of appearing first to a female qfter the resurrection, for it was only done that the glad tidings might spread the sooner." —A young man recently Wrote to his sweetheart, saying, "There is not a glo bule of blood in my heart which does not bear your photograph." He had it very bad, hadn't he? —An exchange says that such men Johnson and Seward are the cream of the country. If they are, the sooner the country is skimmed the better for it. —Mr. Links went to Washington a few days ago, but soon returned in high dudgeon, because, while on a small spree, he had been mistaken for Andrew Johnson. —Pre ntice says the muddy streets of Louisville are proof that the inhabitants not transgressors; for the way of transgressors is hard. —The ladies promise that if they are allowed to vote they will elect their can didate by "handsome" as well as "sweep ing" majorities. \