c .A. RR B, O L LTO IN
BY "M. G. DAVIS: *TH ' SUN' SI1NES FOR ALL." PUBLISHER.
VOL. III. OF JEFFERSON, LA., SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1860. NO. 47.
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MISCELLANEOUS.
A Matrimonial Jeremiad.
[From the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin ]
"Marriage is a humbug." [Des psedBachelor.
"What villains these men are.
[Antlquated Malden.
"'1",s, my dear, I will." IHenpecked Husband.
"(l.t ulp quick and give the children a drink."
[Somnolent Paterfamilias.
"Old Governor's eye is easy closed."
[Precocious Son.
"It is none of your businuess who I marry."
[luteresting I)au ghter.
"Good morning, Toby, I knew you
were coning when I heard that quick,
nervous step on the stairs. \Vhy, howv
sober yout look. You most certainly
Ihave not buried your wife? ''
'Buried my wife!' replied Toby, 'no
ildeed. That is a glorious era in my
history which has not yet arrived, and
I can only join in singing the pathetic
hloig meter hyivlnu, 'Roll swift ye wheels
of time, etc.
'()h! single felicity! Why did I leave
thy ambrosial bowers to waste my
existence upon the chilling winds of a
llatrilnonial desert ?'
'Well, I declare, Toby, that is a
mournful strain. Socrates could not
have been moore dolorous in his remarks
when relating to Athenian bachelors
his domestic troubles, and it certainly
excels the lamniitations of the Jews
'"wlh$ y elevated their harps on the
williwi. ,Comme, I aml a bachelor-- my
sympatfi'! are with you-let me hear
your reasons for this remIaIrkatble
jeremiad.' .
There is nothing which affects the
ihunian heart so qluickly as sympathy,
and Toby's countenance immediately
radiated with the consciousness that he
possessed a 'sympathizing friend' iln
his collnulilal misfortunes.
D)oltin g his capillary coverin g anI
lighting a cigar, (I never nIll,:v anly
one to smoke it pi)pe in my ,llicue.
l'ipe-smroking is a retr,,ogade movenllnlt,
:;aiid not to be tolerated illn ur pr0gr1s
sive na;e. In fact it is decidedly Mileshiitl
in its tendency.) 'loTy to~ k'his aIees
tcnilitl sett, a nl , with i ta ca,Illiteit"l nito'e
betokening 'startling revelatini i,-.' thus
begain his coniiubial 1philli[,i:
'The 111 r riai e iliititlutioni is a mii'use
trapl, ,, a la'rge SCuh'. Ial~a atl ,cluhs
tivtely, c, -iidters it -titlicielntly a;ttrnt'
tire. tlinks that h, is the ~ j, , i t ~'
ai vnin l1li-iuz, res !iches lant hi- hautl,
-. il,; l s.I I I, h ard i tI he. ,li-ta,i
tli ' 1,, r 'f ji,, -ti'< , : y 11, , . i ',l 1, "
p ill, i t'-riii l - i b .i i , L i, r
T'
%xoiting
fhe unce a
the blood' she
the veins a lik
wild exhilerati ' -. pre
is over and thi tra
all interest in the dstiny 001o
footed animal ceases.' U
'Yes, Toby, I should judt 'from my tei
limited observation that dourting was a gi'
delig4ful reereation,,nWducted by no sn
conventional rules.' liti
'Tell me not -in mournful numbers.'
'Courting's. but an empty dream, ob
replied Toby, 'and there are as many:
varieties of courting as there are differ- Be
ent parties engaged in 4t. There are Jo
courtings stealthy, .eourtings open, a I
courtings mild, courtings energeto, Po
courtings slow, courtings ho
courtings short, courtings ' , fey
Courtings successful and courtings m:
:Insuccessful. The most initeresting
part of a courtship is where the parties, WI
thouglknothing has been said by either, an
are conscious that they possess' each ne
other's love. Every look and gesture
is then filled with a thrilling si nifi
cance. But then the mutual-aso i
declared, the courtship assties
of a business character and its
uncertainty is gone.' y
'Toby, you are iqifeed
You should write "
Philosophy of Loi$r.
Made Easy*' I haven
surpass in brilliancy.
Miss Butt'' tIeisur
you can send a copy _o
calf, to the Prince of Wales.'
(Here Toby brought his t
nosh and gesticulated withl
for my especial bene
'The minutiae of a
no means uninterestip
'The easily interpro
eye, the meaning e,
obstinacy, the o
gentle press,
soul-dissolv ti
the most ofd d
Kissing alon cient fE
to make me 4 wlin Ph at
'Kiss rhym 'to bliss in as well w
as verse.' u
'There are various kinds of kisses. h
There is the gentle kiss, effected by the n
most delicate labial pressure,resemblill it
in its consununation the violet kissed by fi
the zephyr. This is the kiss of a ti
decidhd novice in the art. N'ext coels
the albb-reviated kiss, 'snatchetd hasty i
r from the sieling maid,' most rapid in t
its cnl.eptio,,n and execution. This is ti
,,ften hieard bi y the indignanut parent .
as lihe opents the drawing-rooilil door. It 1
is of all kisses tihe IMost utnsatisfact ory, s
wild is lLevler resorted to except i ll
turgent cases whlIn fear of deltection is i
Si!nnli(ent. Next. il olrder we find tlie '
sot lorIus kiss, which i I. t Ioth Iunsiafe i.di
I lIsati1lfact)ry in its- I'reults. It c( i Ol4i s
of it shai'p repolitrt, atnd is Utterly devoid
. Of lilly Ipo1 tic Cle wPIu nt. S aill II yvs iall
, untry in in i it l in t i va ety.
element ill its compl -itin a- l till
s mutual confihlen' if the - p rti is
essential to its full ' ,e ti( li- t'li t.
- " IT h"" fr: (.oat i f ntiliil " i ; ..
"h rw d t lily ..- . il h it a .t i:" .i- 1
''Ptih ',P. .i,> - ', - l - :rlial? I
V regard to tobacco, after we were o
arried. When we were courting, n
she said there was nothing that she
liked so well as the smell of a cigar, ii
preferred it even to the condensed ex- o
track of Frangipanni. But now, she t:
condemns it as a "disgusting habit," x
univorthy of a true gentleman. Yes
telday she threatened that if I did not.
give it up, slhe would~me a bladder of I
snuff a day. %j ex n to see. her
literally snuffilg up o at me.
,,Before we were marrie~ho had no r
objections to mytakiug a of wine, I
and many times she joifedrnmo in it.
But now she denounces "inspiring
John Barley Corn" iith the energy of
a Gough. If,..th h an of 1
political enthusiasm, I spen
fences on: to
my utter asto d
mother-in-law, th kt
wretch." My wife, m 4
ance, continually reh
nor table the unhappy
wine
} h ad'
de bu
Wisolces,
ieg
Sfinoth.ng
ls,and bld4 id of leaven
t can traoe tenon
of d
liceph oo
full feminine
love-letters,
moustache,
meth6 ending and
memor in the
ily-finger .
imper nov mng
read a c ±g.utid
Sreading was and
time most ipjR . employ6d. I
do not kno*.iwhbgtJr my wife has suf
fered..uch education, but I
am confident . When we first
went to house- ping she insisted
upon doing the cooking. You have
heard of philosphical OxperimentB where
no definite result was arrived at. But
in her cooking experiments a most do
finite result was ancomunlished, namely,
the utter annihiilation of the original
(eltmecnts. After she had madte manyt
ineffectual attempts. to) bring her in
Stclhcttual resources inl subjection to
the culinary art, I finally introduced it
ct ook into thn kitchenl , and there has
Seen t 1e ",rid., plmill and ciremn
stLantie of gl 'ri 'llas war" ovevr hsincle.
I 'Allil force:," my wife and moth(ir
in-law. "l'oor IIungary," myself.
S'The tnule ,t hl seoone of conflict.
I 'l1hI'y wal ldrfy
Tha' t . hI they love' m st tenderly ;
(I uairel with minred pics, and dutpar:agc
"tl'h i ar ,,st ard dearest fri,:lt, lp n- purage;
Fat pig and goose itself oppose,
A 'l tilasphe;lnetustardl thro' their nose."
1V ile if tme maight be said,
'.lle aore
A paunch of mighty bulk bcfore,
I\V 'ticlh till he had a -pecial care
'To ke p well crammtI'd with thrifty ttue.'"
"Sp(eakitg of rmy rnothlr-in-latw, re
'calls all tlhe allighitft' l ii tcrcoursc whichi
I hlav" h:,l wit h,.r iirc, my marriage.
, ,r i-i . .iti,, . Vi-itn mn ai e, .
i- ,, -t I i -ix V, t'v1it ;. tt i . .
.\, vi- ,- i , I r,- l t,, Ii, '
I 1',, i n 1,. i , - l Ii i y w ,
r ,1 r l ' '
only more men like hitm, what happi
ness there would be in fumilies !" ci
(Hero Toby, with a merry twinkle 't
in his eyes, told me that he saw the it
old gentleman in his last moments, and
that he expressed no desire to remain \v
with hisa. dear wife.) . •
'Thei4'is no noise I hate so much as
a snoro,and to crown my married mesory
I have a snoring wife. I bclibve that
Abraham slept with his forefathers with
greater comfort than I do with my one
wife. Every night I am wakened by
her long, loud and terrible snoring, s
which sounds like the breathing of an
elephant attacked by bronchitis, or the e
witches of Macbeth playing on a trom
bone.
'My wife says that if I don't eat so
much I could sleep well enough," and
that she never was guilty of such a
vulgar habit as snoring in all her life.
'Upon my suggesting that she has not c
is good an opportunity to hear herself c
e as other people, she gives me a
oture upon impudence far surpassing
*itbrilliancy of thought and delivery
of Mrs. Caudle's nocturnal ora- 1
s; and I am glad to take refuge int J
y pillow, not, however, until I have
'd in a subdued tone, 'With all thy t
aults I love thee still.'
'Before we wore married she called
me 'honey,' now I am 'old beeswax.'
Then I.was 'perfectly divine,' noey I an
S'pqrfocotfiend.'Thien I was 'nobl heart
d;' ti I am 'real mean.' Then I was 4
ndsome,' now I am a horrid looking
jeot.' Then she 'would die for me,'
now she 'would'nt stir a step to save
my neck.' Then she was all patience,
now her hope deferred imaketh her
heart sick" Then she was mild, now
'she knows her rights' and is the strong
minded female seeking whom she may
devour. 'Ton Brown truly said :
"'Man ilthe pilot; his wife in the ocean,
lie always in trouble, shlo alw yi in motion.'"
(Iere Toby, taking a handkerchief
from his pocket, buried his facial ar
rangements in its ample folds, and
I waited in silence until he had comple
ted the exercise of his melancholy
functions.)
'l'Toby, you are indeed a man of sor
rows. But gazing back throughl the
vista of ages, you will find that more
cellrated men than yourself have becen
deccivw'd Iy wonmen. Adam, Solonmon,
Sampson, Indl I Iolofernes were victimsi
of the 'gay deceiver,' ndl Socrat(es'
lifeu was ,.h,rt(lucd by tholength of his
wife's tI iguie.
"l'Tby, whin you, are desp5t,4mlig iandl
think you lead a htardl life, just. inmagilne
tt.r; .tes, hft ;.reat 1.t ,,f nau'i ntv lphi
Ims,,,h, 1 -r, (:c, tlnl l tintlg theil inu r-.
tality of 11e oul, wlhil' N til1l , Ihis
wife, flour i.,les a broomrsti'k ,vr his
head.'
'li0e tust have 14e11 It moault of" I ,Itu Ig
merve,' said ltlby:
a mi,,.t. ener;i, tlic htllu , k ii, tj'r.
'Of thmeat it might. t ýanil-
V is l ' . ! " Ii th1 , t , n.t di i 'v o r,1l4 . , t :1.- l,
I h 'y lilt I 4-t 4. t.tlI y ) . s u, N: i it r 1 d i .
Thiis (questi, l of 0 ni S.'u: nlhy iS ume
vwhich r1't , ir's .,,I r14 iti 4- llt Iit 'l tiitj l
111and f Ireth , ht, .i, l ll 4i,, (.:ts1 ( it
i :t , l ,'t ina,, f,,r life. U11.re Ir t
t l'tr i illlt y plr'j Y :n1 1 e t .u ,,1;t, 'l .I
Iw itl it.. S t ' t'lic'- 'ý 1I v , it ::'; i-t:
the: instituli,,l in t ,t ,, :, i i ' :t t, , ,f
I
(llere one of 'T'ohy's 'olivo banohees'
came running into the office and said,
'motllher says for father to come right .
home this minute.')
'Tobl)y, one word before yoFt go. I
wish you would call again soon and t
will give you the doleful oxpeaonco of
a bachelor, which may prove the balm
of consolation to your wounded spirit.'
'In the meantime, with your permnis
sion, I am going to call upon your wife
and hoar her version of your matrimo
nula trials. I am confident, Toby, that
she will not give you the best character
;inaginablle, for I think that you are too
exactinKg lin not conoiliatory enough
in your disp1osition."
Exit-'Toby, whistling, 'HIome, Sweet
HIIote.'
French Hic-irs of tSlcjlt en Gia rd. -The
Philadophia Ledger, of the 12tw Says :
It will be recollected that the case of
certain of the Girard heirs against the
city, which was argued in the 1U. S.
Circuit Court on 11 and 19th of October
last, was brought to ani abrupt con
clusion by the withdrawal of the bill
in equity. But on the 5th11 inst. a now
bill was filed by parties whoii are sub
jects of tie Emnperor of the F, renich, for
the recovered of all the Girard estates,
excepit that which imay be necessary for
the mninnitenanco of the college. The
now hill fills forty-ninio o'osely printed
pages, and will co1inunco, pern)aps, a
lhng course of litigation.
The grounds on which the recovery
is based are: Ist. ''That tlhe lireselt
city of I'liilaihollphiit calinit legally ox
eonto the provisionis of Stepheni ( irard's
will; i04d 2l, that thl estatet, hby rea
son of III isiniuangeneint, has diminiished
in extent, refe.rring tio the hloss of the
Li ,uisinia lands aind thlt ncn-produe
tiveiuss of 1ihise in IKenatucky. It
will I, ie slc l that these aittr substilltliatlly
the groundls ts set iut 4on the Iill with
drnwn. 'IThis ill cotiflicts with the ono
filed Iy thlise of tile he(irs now residing
ill Aimerica(, who are joined with si11i(no
of the heirs residing in France. 'l'heir
bill, which was filed seiveral years since,
goes to the root (,f the matter by It
ttcking the validity of the will, its
creating ant estate inll ir'lpetity. ''lhey
have alwalys resisted uniy bill whli'hai
tck griund diflreint fr'o't this, t(lo it
was through their. tlVltas that tih bill
argued last month was withdrawn.
rr The papers are filh.4 wit II witty
atncedltces o(f (Chtoute ; ult, w)4 4h, l nut
re mlnnelnlgr to -ave 1)nt the f,,llowin1g
co pllni llinllnt l 14 his -hl ch rnltal ti'l{.i(' shrewd
1 ,,; tolid s (icc ..-s wit I a jury ever iit
riint. l)iriiig the trial (,f (atlllltlils
I)ixey ioand itn n'ill for wrek'lilng 11u1
rolIiniig the baIrk M isMilluri ll tlli cilast
4)f Javat, M11r. (Chalnt was very ljuticulnUr
in his c('lrocs exi inlIlillonil tf Ca.iit. Pit
11111 its ti wallitt I ixey tihl himnt while
4i11 the 1 '4111nch. (': i1. I'itm 1ia 11 eivillently
h1"i-ittted : bu14)t 11lr. ('ll14lil1 I)ipeo lla d,
Ito the ci urt, lttit the i'iiii ,. .iodlred tli
w it II - to 1!ivi. it full 1 tan11-i II ii, if 111
stilti n l-11i i ,I d id 111 impli 4 ,lth' hil n i . Still
Capt. I I hnsitatn' .l - ur ly tl'l lin.l in
runwIt -4li out-wVny, whtt 'nlIn n ,('ill
tiil I)ix ,y 1i '' 41 I ,, , iet hii f' r,- '. A tI
lI;'t, Mi . t'}11i a11 4, t 111' 1:sh intly ri,.ii ,
lai, : ' iitiITn i t1'i ta , Y .ll . l i 1i :- i , II1
tI'., " it" I li Lt-"t, I l ti I . I li 4y 1,i i
,.r ,l f; f r nl l w1 I4 ,I ,, , I, whl ,, wt
got. hI ,I ' w na , t io '.n;l'"i"U ('1 ,14", wlI
I14 w ,,hli 4 14':11. l-r if Hwy If ,1 ,Id ilt,
wii .(ll ill "T l ;ll -" :1 I - , ý"I I "I ,III 4-1 14 1 I'
dI i .. t 'i r} ti r, - tw , i I f Ii" . H 4 ,0 , 1 1 tIr ,,