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t we ~5~ 11 lbThe Sorry Ewecta of Auger. "McSorley eats at one of those quick lunch restaurants where the room is always crowded during the luncheon hours. The other day a patron of the place stood right behind him waiting to snatch his chair as soon as he fin ished. McSorley felt the fellow's has. on the back of the chair and it made him hot." "What did hedo?" "He ordered a second piece of pie just to baffle the fellow, and is now in bed with a horrible attack of acute in digestion."-Cleveland Plain Dealer. NOT A WHOLE ONE. She--Ain't your little sister very small for her age? He-She's jist er half sister-Detroit Free Press. An Easy Trlget. Death dearly loves a shining mark, It has been quite often said; That's why his shaft is oftimes aimed At the shining, hairless head. -Chicago Daily News. Toe Late. "Can't you hurry a bit, Clara? We must catch the Sawyers and congratu late them on their marriage." "There's no use hurrying for that ts too late to congratulate them, any how; they've been married a month." Life. From Experience. "Henry," said the ,oman with com pressed lips, "do you remember that we first met by accident on a railroad ?" "Yes," replied the henpecked man sadly, "railroad accidents always turn .out disastrously." - Chicago Daily News. Raises the Prtee. "A reputation for honesty is a vain able asset," said the statesman. "Yes, indeed," replied Senator Glu cose. "No one would dare to offer a mran w-ith such a reputation a small Hribe."-Brooklyn Life. A Plea for Setter Things. The roads are not passable, Not even Jackassable;. And th-people who travel them Should turn out and gravel them. -.hady Corner (0.) Gaette. BANE MIRD SLURE EIO'G. ". Sn.mbo-Dat ain't no game chicken. eBnele lastas-He done swallowed dese dice, den trowed .dem up again an d dy done come T-1L Don't dat show he's a game chlcken?-Milwau Tmies aestiael. t.ood Degiatla. Eusband-We're got to ecozgmize ad lay something aside for a rainy Se-That reminds me, dear. I - see e new rainy day skirt.-N. Y. Musle at Memoe. Clawa-D'a't you love to hear me __ s. clareinee ar cook slag; fur then I know she is gsod humor.- trolt FPree Pres. Ctier (iting soe at- -~onlege)- £ mayt;lerad igprs Itke these. IO yoar eam, dad; s1 your ~ct r·. -l~ro~-- n~k, P A Hard rImes Love Afalr. She-This narrow band of gold is very sweet, of course; but you-you said you intended to bring me a clus ter diamond ring. He-Y- -s, but -afterward it oc curred to me that such a ring would hide those lovely dimples in your fingers. She--Oh. you darling. - N. Y. Weekly. Untempted. "I am glad to note," said the friend, "that gambling is a vice that has no temptation for you." "None whatever," answered Senator Sorghum. "I am unable to find any excuse for a man's risking his money when there are so many sure things lying around begging for attention." -Washington Star. Not Interested. First Citizen-There is to be a big meeting to-night, a great outpouring of the masses to devise ways and means to reform the cSty 0- nment, so that its affairs mAy be dtbinistered with strict economy. Come along. Second Ci en-Um-I'#rather not. Faet is, I amn.il an bple myself. N:.Y. Weekly.i, { Extortlon from the Inexperienced. "It cost me $1,000 to get my divorce,' said the Boston woman. "You were swindled," replied the woman from Chicago. "That'; about twice as much as I ever paid for any of mine."-Philadel phia Record. The W.'shing Habit. Clarence-I wish 1 had lots of money. Uncle Tom-If one could get what he wished for, I think I should wish for common sense, not.for money. Clarence - NaSurally, everybody wishes for what he hasn't got.-Tit Bits W15UCU bor, I liUhlfU 1UUIU W1 ULUX common sense, notfor money. Clarence - Naturally, everybody wishes for what he hasn't got.-Tit* Bitas SHE FURRISHED THE WILL. 1I He-So your husband has given up smoking? It requires a prettsetrong will to accomplish that! She-Well, I'd have you understand that I have a strong will!-Der Floh. STFhrouah a Glass. "So Prof. Armcrook is dead. I sup pose he studied too hard." "No, the thirst he died of was not for knowledge." "Well, at any rate, it was'spiritual over-exertion."-N. Y. Herald. Stady In Mathlemtles. Pushquill-I hear that Bounderman Jilted that rich Skinnerlý girl to marry an artjst's model. Inksling-Yes; extraordinary taste. Gave up a fortune of six figures for a fortune of one.-N. Y. Herald. Contruar to Traditlon. When Bridget lights the kitchen fire she uses kerosene; . There tea little boy who oft eats apples that are green. And in spite of all that has been sung and .Il that has been said. It 1s a fact that neither Bridget nor the boy is dead. -Washington Star. Ur sEuRVAmPS QUESTION. Mrs. Newly Wed: j4,ela above) B.Mdget! Put the lemons oa the ien so they wema'tet e. Bridget (te heamd )-Is it sny wheonder h I ask dooble pay for " s teavlag oeý t, tthe! - M. Y. 1b~~~. iohpoiht SKUNK LAW EFFECTS OBJECT. Viklage Oracle Tells How a Mluister Succeeded in Getting It on the Statute lBooks. "Poor wtather for skunking," re marked one of the regular patlrons of the sto\e corner of the store as he took his seat and bhook the accutn ula;ion of snow from his - a.g y w his ker-.says a c"orre-pntldent i.. -ew 1ork El ':ing Teiegram. "'( "ainst the law to ketch 'erm, .a. sway." commentted the village .ze "mDid you over hear how that law colme to be m -sed?" querict re or acle. as he bit off a fresh cihe . av. plug. No one had heard, but the wit of the bean barrel ventured a remark that "the offense was rank," and smelled to the Canada border. The oracle continued: "It was the Rev. Denison, of Jamestowtn. It's a good thing for the skunks, but it's a joke on the reinerend. You see, 'Mr. Denison was formerly pastor of the Baptist church at Cherry Creek, antd while there he joined the grange and became an active member. 'while ago he moved up to Jamlestt w'. and as. inmed the pastorate of the Calvary 7..iptist church of that city. lie re tained his membership in the grange. In fact, he was a member of mUnion grange, which meets at Janmestown, and which is the largest and liveliest grange in the whole county. lie was a conspicuous member of the grange, too. being, in fact, the chaplain." "What has that to do with skunks?" queried one of the group. "I'm coiming to that, if 3ou iwon't hurry me," con tinued the oracle. "Do any of you people know Rev. Denison? Well. I'll describe him for you. He's one of those big, open-hearted, whole-souled, jolly, liberal fellows that can be found adorning the ministry in every com munity, and he has a dry fund of hu mor that among his friends is simply irresistible. Well, one day the grange had been discussing the protection of almost every kind of bird and beast that is to be found on the farms, and Mr. Denison, more as a joke than any thing else, suggested that. this protec tion should be extended to skunks. 'The skunk.' snais he. with apparent earnesneek4 'is a very useful animal. Moreover. Le is valuable, and at the present rate of skunk hunting, he will soon be exterminated. Why not pro tect him as well as the fowls of the air and the fish of the deep?' "The grangers took this talk very seriously, and before Rev. I)enison re alized what had happened, they were agitating skunk protection laws. It's protected them all right. On the farms thei are thicker than due bills in Jah uary, and even in the city of James town the policemen are talking about a special skunk drill to enable them to chase the animals down. There's no mistake about it. You can just wager, though, that Rev. Denison isn't saying much." THE SHORT SKIRT. It I. Less Trouble to Man.age aid Does Not Colllet Microbes amd Dirt. If women only realized the disastrous results to their health and that of their posterity, of fads and fashions, and especially feminine vanity, they o,,uld certainly turn over a new leaf. For instance, th: long skirt. From two or three points of view this much-loved feminine appendage is pernicious. On the street it serves as a collector of bacteria, which are carried to the homes and deposited on carpets and in hangings, which latter serve as incu bators for these deadly microbes. The braids used to bind the skirts, and above all those germ-collecting brush braids, which sweep up and hold with in their spongy surface diseases of all kinds. are responsible for much illness, says American Queen. In the second place women slowly but most surely-deform themselves because there is a constant straining of the ligaments on one side of the body producing abnormal develop ments and a general one-sidedness which throws the entire body out of harmony with its parts. The wrist also becomes stiff from the strain, and if the skirt is very heavy there is seri ous injury to the internal organs and consequently a derangement of the nervous system, which is decidedly not "a splendid thing in women." Perhaps it would not be'futile to appeal to woman's vanity. I often wonder how they would feel could they see the mas culine smiles and hear the remarks that follow in the wake of a flowing train-or street sweeper as they call them-for woman is surely not im pervious to the approbation of the lords of creation. The skirt is indeed a serious question and one that shows little indication of solution. The whole question rests solely on woman's realization of the evil. . . . or0atoo. This is a German dish, and is really an onion pie. Slice six Spanish onions into a saucepan with enough butter added to fry them a golden brown. Cover the pan and whe~ the onions are tender add a cupful of rich milk, or milk and cream in equal proportions; one egg beaten and stirred with a tablespoonful of flour and a little of the cold milk. Season with a half tea spoonful of salt and one-eighth of a teaspoonful of pepper. Have ready a deep baking plate lined with plain pie crust; turn in the onion mixture; cover the top with buttered bread crumbs, but no upper crust. Place in the oven and brown the top nicely. Have the crust well baked before fill Ing it with the onion mixture and then bake just long enough to brown and make very hot for sevinia.-Wasbia. ........ QUEER DOINGS IN ILLINOIS. A Danville man was fined three dol lars and costs for throwing a cigar in a womnan', face. William Bargman, Jr., who resides in the neighborhood of Wing, was hauling corn to that place last week wlhen he fell. One of the wagon wheel. -evered an car from his head. lie ntated that the accident was painless at the time. Aurora has passed on ordinance providing for a supply of squirrels for public shade trees. Joliet contetm plates similar legislation, and the matter has been discussed in ('ham paign. Kankakee has hundreds of squirrels that. have inhabited trees in that town for 40 years, and are pro tected I i aw. In Alrience, Kankakee county, .here is a young mian who never spoke an unkind word to family or friend. He has never given utterance to a falsehood, nor indulged in any con versational gossip about his neigh bors. lie has never used profane lan guage and never talked politics. lhe is a married man, and the same words of commendation apply to his wife. This worthy couple manage the lend ing hot. i )f their town. Both are deaf ani dumb. Supervisor Stassen complained at the supervisors' meeting in Will coun ty the other day because typewriters had been bought for the recording of deeds. lie said that while the use of the writing machines might he in the line of progress, he thought their purchase was a move in the wrong direction, and that the fees of the clerks were high enough for them to employ help to have the work done with pen and ink. "The ink will not fade." said Supervisor Stassen. "and we have no assurance that the ink of the typewriters will not." OVER COPPER WIRES. The earth itself is negatively elec trified. Electrically heated gloves and shoes are proposed for motormen. The pole mileage of telegraphs in Eansas amounts to 9.249 miles and its assessed value is $851,828 Wireless telegraphy apparatus has now, been installed on board each of the nine Dover-Ostend mail steam ers. Hitherto Tyndall's theory that the azure tint of the sky is due to minute corpuscles in the air has been accepted. Prof. Springer, of Liege, has proved that the blue of the sky is purely elec trical in origin, and an essential qual fty of the air. The telephone cable which has just been laid between England and Bel gium, and which will be opened soon to the public at the charge of eight shill ings for a three minutes'conversation, is the longest submarine telephont bL the world. It crosses the Channel from St. Margarets bay, near Dover, to a point on the Belgian coast neat Ostend, a distance of over 60 miles. "Perhaps," ventured the unsuccessful cla tributor, "you didn't consider my little ode true to life." "Oh, it was true enough," replied the editor. I assure you there was more truth than poetry in what you said." Philadelphia Press. ABSOLUTE SECURITY, Cenuine Carter's Little Liver Pills. Must Bear Signature of. See Pollms Wsepper B.es. vrs uadsasioo F_ FS CI UE.. rm sauui aim. rM UUAW MLl Cuss SICK HEADAChE. "M MCORE'S BABY BUXCIR /is Ls MM. E M "um" FW T"sbq. DlXiWb . SM C.s bl~t. w.m Iespamas so w40 i GUQAANTHUBD TO CUmi fssI, .s Blar FiU Mbgdb/O ss.I-.ms. PROVE DOAN'S FREE HIEL Those who doubt, who think because other Kidney Remedies do them no good, who feel discouraged, they profit most by the Free Trit. of [Joan's Kidney PUlls. The wondrous results stamp Doan merit. . Aching backs are eased. Hip, back, and loin pains .. 'rcome. Swelling of the limbs and L. psy signs vanish. They correct urine with brick dust sedi ment, ' ''h colored, excessive, pain in pass ing, -;' bling, frequency, bed wetting. Doan's Kidney Pills dissolve and remove calculi and gravel. Relieve heart palpita tion, sleeplessness, headache, nervousness. SALEM, I.D., Feb. 5, 1903.-" I received the trial package of Doan's Kidney Pills and I must confess they d: me wonderful good. It seems strange to _ y that I had tried several kinds of kidney medicines without doing me any good. I had back ache, pain in my bladder and scalding urine, and the sample package sent me stopped it all in a few days, and with the package I am now using from our drug store I expect to be cured permanently. It is wonderful, but sure and certain the med icine does its work. I was in constant misery until I commenced the use of Doan's Kidney Pillss"--Cus. R Coos, P. O. Box 90, Salem, Washington Co., Ill. SicKer vrous d. feural 'c FIeadae aes asoN''wS tQUICKLY CURED BY 10 CENTSI iSALL - LADY ON EDITORIAL STAFF OF LEADING RELIGIOUS WEEKLY Sends the Following Grand Testimonial to the Merits of Cuticura Remedies in the Treatment of Humours of the Blood, Skin and Scalp. '*I wish to give my testimony to the efficiency of the Cuticura Reme dies in what seenuh to me two some what remarkable cases. I had a number of skin tumours- small ones -on my arms which had never given me serious trouble ; but about two years ago one came on my throat. At first it was only about as large as a pinhead, but, as it was in a position where my collar, if not just right, would irrit .e it, it soon became very sensitive and began to grow rapidly. Last spring it was as large, if not larger, than a bean. A little unusual irritation of my collar started it t. swelling, and in a day or two it was as large as half an orange. I was very much alarmed, and was it a loss to de termine whether it was a carbuncle or a malignant tumor. o" My friends tried to persuade me to cohSult my physician ; but dread ing that he would insist on using the knife, I would not consent to go. a d I got a small bottle of Cntieura Resolvent and a box of Cu turans Ointment. I took the former according to directions, and spread a thiek layer of the Ointment on a linen cloth and placed it on the swelling. On renewing it I would bathe my neck in very warns water and Cuticura Soap. In a few days the Cuticura Ointment had drawn -the-swelling -to- -a- hea,--when i broke. Every morning it was opened with a large sterilized needle, ueezed and bathed, and fresh Ointment put on. Pus and blood, and a yellow, cheesy, tumorous matter came out. In about three or four weeks' time this treatment completely eliminated boil and tumor. The soreness that had ex CUTICUZA 133=DI ms wm £sw u.s Ird wa lL PIC1; COO M aa l. a bohw0tenemt toao.C 4 wMMO. a p vL at OCtnaAOeeq.l oa:.oif.and 4UUa 3mpUgsa p abets tlne Eg n. pal vat o. - RunIn o as 34. Ibas S Sl eat g ad Bow to aS TathIn .- te D ? iis wash 1flm. a al. ' aw asa Dsaasmef to an l5 bae siat k.ss asS Abars sl Dq 3. U.Umnba 3 I sa. a Ia L o" . an al N 3P. Pab suaaO Dgs3. tie ea., '. Urn Rus am rwiaa. (Jans*g &IM t asmg 3mm,6 U&4 SorrI BA'tTONLLL, ILL., FebA. 1903.-" I received the trial package Doan's Kidney's Pills and h:vce bouh several boxes of my druggist. They done me much good. I was hardly.a to do any work until I brain taking t)b now I can work all day and my .ack not get the least bit tired." Bilr Gam; FREE-TO MAKE YOU A FRIEND. Dean's Kidney W i _lls, Fo.r--- RIS'. , Ca. Buffailo, N. . Please send me by mail, without chasr trial box Doan's Kidney Pills Post-omt I State io........ ....... ----. .._ (Cut out Coupn on dotted ltues a mall to Fotr-.llburui Co.. BuffIo. i. Y) I awl Aksi Frs.-Strictly Cgle tended down into my chest was all gone, and my neck now seems to be perfectly well. " About five or six years ago my sister had a similar experience. She had two large lumps come under her right arm, the result of a sprain. They grew rapidly, and our physd .eian wanted to cut them out. I would not listen to ', and she tried the Cuticura Remedies (as I did a few months ago) with magical effect. In six weeks' time the lumps had ent rely disappeared,and have never returned. "1 ha.e great faith in the Cuticuer Remedies, and I believe they might be as efficacious in similar cases with other people, and thus save much suffering, and perhaps life. I have derived so much benefit from the use of thean myself that I am constantly advising othe - to use them. Re cently I recommended them to an office boy for his father, who was dis abled with salt rheum. The man's feet were Lrvollen to an enormous T sze, and he had not worked for six weeks. Two bottles of Cuticura Resolvent and two boxes of- Cuticura Ointment worked a perfect cure. You never saw a more grateful.an in yourlife. "I am very much in terested in another case where I have recom mended Cut.cra just now. My housemaid's mother has a goitre which had reached a very dangerous point The doctors told her that nothing could be done ; that she could lve only two or three weeks, and that she would die of strangulation. Sh: was confined to her bed, and was unable to speak, when let daughter, at my suggestion, tried the effect of the Cuticura Ointment andCuticura Resolvent. Strange to say, she was very shortly relieved of the mostdistressing symptom. The swelling seemed to be exteriorized, and she is now able to be around her hounsq~ and can talk as well as ever. " It seems to me that I have pretty good grounds for believing that Cuticura Remedies will prove su cessful in the most distressing forms -of-blood -and skin-hnmours and if you wish to use my testimonial as herein indicated, I am willing that you should do so, with the further privilege of re vealing my name and address to such persons as may wish to substantiate the above state ments by personal 1Itter to me." Chicago, Nov. 12, 190.