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FULL OF FUN.
Kvcciitii —The Chiu thinks he doe wlvoii he chons minutes. Ui:i icr I twenty bends in two —The Captain of the Moscmv (Rtis-1 .tia) Bicycling Club is named Kontlnoff, hut of poTir.sn ho lias got over that now .—Hew Hawn Sews. —It is lia" i to find a ueoille in a hay mow, of course, but it isn't a cireiim stance to what it would tic to find a haystack in a needle. .I "Ah! good eveniuo', Mrs. Brown. Is your card full?" " N ., Mr. Smythe, 1 ,,it niv escort is, and if you would kindly tak- me home I would be so \ much^obliged."— Life. ; — "Well" Mary said Mrs Cobwiw'cr to her hired girl "how will you like"to to HirlcmP" "That depinils mum," was ilio naive reply, "oi.f wl.al l .in,i n f , i- rut ti.n hnin "_ Thf Earth. i -A farmer smashed all tho windows! inaschoolhoi.se because the teacher refused to accept his attentions. There ( ii no trlli g w |, at , a tender-hearted man won't do when lie is thoroughly orierpH " | cio I stroke of work —A dqde in Denver is one who bangs 1 itis hair a ia burro, wears a sombrero on the hack of his head, is seldom j without a toothpick in iiis mouth and ! takes his whisky like he does his bath, I without any water.-TAs Earth. —Madame to Maid—"Francoise, why do you clean my boots with my tooth brush?" Maid to Madame—"Madame, the fact is. tho other brushes are so large, and the niadnine's boots are sc small."—London Globe. , -When you see a woman just about step off from a moving open horse ear while she is facing the rear don't call out to prevent her. It will be nearly a month before the regular cir s, and then it will cost you j to go in.— Somerville Jour-\ t. ■ j j cus conn fifty cent vat. —A European earthquake sharp lias | discovered that the earth is slowly ap proaching the sun, and Ihc. moon is drawing near t ho earth, warned, any body who is in the way aud is hurt when either collision oc curs will have nobody but himself to blame. —Boston Transcript. —Eastern Man—'Yes, business Is very brisk out my way." Western Man—' You refer to real estato, oi course?" ' Well, in my town l*oct to build one thousand houses this summer." "That's nothing. ' my town there is one lot in the business auction that lias already been bought and sold onethonsand times ."—Gmahn World. Being thus we ex Why, in —No Pa. No ride. - No more'twist railsof iron iaiJ, and fallow, and fade, And dais'.o a white and yellow; No mo e between the ties will grow The weoj* and tangled grasses; They'll al! be dead, all trodden low, By people without passes. O' field and »i< Anemone. tv-ll bio Chicago Tribune. —A Chinaman recently sent the fol mving telegram to a Pacific csasl railway official: "I shippee you twn carload hog. No catehee pass. Whattee matter? AbFook." —Mrs. Blank is generally of amiable disposition, but slio said a bet Slio express ed tlie awful wish that Bridget miglil one day be welt enough off to hire n servant liorsclf. Tlie poor girl quite broken down, and cried like n baby.—Boston Transcript. —Little Peter is sevou years old. He is very intelligent, but a little '4 m tin ate. Tho other day he persisted in not saying good-bye to his grand utother, and for this reasou it was de cided to deprive him of dessert at din He thought how lie could avoid Finally, when he a verv ter thing the other day. Will ner. this punishment, was at the taide, lie said: "Mother, it I did not say good-bye to grandmother, it is because I was too overcome at her departure, triumphant air: "Now I can have some dessert, can't IP"— AT. Y. Ledger Then he added, with s Already Provided For. Esmerelda Longcoflln (to Birdie Mc Ginnis—We girls are getting up a pic nic at tho Bee spring, and wo have Invited Gilhooiy, Hostctter McGinnis, Koskiusko Murphy and several other young men to take part iu it Don't you want to go along? Birdie—I am engaged to a young man from Houston, and ho might ob ject. Esmerelda—I didn't know that yot ■were engaged. Of course, if you have a sure thing of a husband you don't •need to go on picnics at all. wouldn't want tr> go on a picnic either If I had a husband already staked out. —Texas Siftings. i Valuable Informatlan. Doctoc— What is tlie ma tier with you? Patient—I find it very difficult to tircathe with my longs. D-.ctor—My friend yon would find It still more difficult to broMhe without your lungs — Srhalte. \ NOT TO BE BEATEN. A Rural Gentleman'. Disappointment Fnl | lowed by Triumph. He was a short, man pervaded by a generally rural air, and wore a derby ! hat that looked like a chocolate drop. Ho paused near the post-office build . ing in front of an Italian banana cart, and inspected the fruit with great in I terest. "How's bernanners?" ho in j quirod. "Zo best bananas in ze city," said | the merchant from Italy, earnestly, .I "Zis is ze banana season. All of zem I sound and ripe." "How much for the yeller ones? "Two for five." \ "Well, give me one," said the short ; man. He passed over three cents, and selecl,ln S a banana began to remove lhf! 9k, "' Tho frui <; sli ghtly over r, P e * however, and being exposed a on on ® si ?° waY and ,he edibio portion of that banana vanished i into the gutter. There was an expression of intense surprise on the purchaser's face. He looked at the empty banana skin in hand, and then said to the vender: " r tho,1 S ht you said this was the sea son for bernannei's?" "May be that was a last season's H, "So it is.' , "Cinannor. . ' , n "' 81,1,1 dealer, linpa 1,el,t " zat nU , n S ht - You 6,101,1,1 1,ave catcn hlm - "I didn't get a eliaiiee to eat it. Gimme- another." The dealer objected, so they com promised on another banana for two cents. The man with a chocolate-drop derby passod over the pennies, and as he grasped the socond banana, he re , na iked' "I ain't agoin' to let no Eyetalyun fruit beat me. Plagued if I don't eat 6kin and all this time." And ho did. —A'. Y. Tribune. THEY MEAN BUSINESS. How a Backward Enver Wa, Brought to Time by a 1.11 tic Boy. . Girl's Brother (while girl is dressing to receive company)—What is a snide, Mr. Jones? Girl's Beau (who has just called)— A snide? Well, my boy, I ca_n hardly tell you. Girl's Brother—Well, I guess I can. Girl's Beau—Well, what is a snide? Girl's Brother—Well, a snide is a feller that comes up to the house every night and burns coal oil and coal in the stove and never says to Mamie when shall you name the day; that's what Mamie says a snide is. Girl's Beau—And does Mamie say that? Girl's Brother—She does, and she told pap last night to give you a boot ing if you don't propose to her. Girl's Beau—She did? Girl's Brother—She did, and you should see her eyes flash when site said so. Girl's Beau—Good heavens! Well I must be going. Girl's Brother—I wouldn't advise you to go. Tho bull dog's untied and pap's in the yard with a shot-gun. Girl's Beau—What must I do? Girl's Brother—Propose to Mamie. Girl's Beau—And if I don't your father is to boot me, the dog is to bo set on me, and I am to run the risk ot being shot besides? Girl's Brother—Yes. You have been teaching Mamie the various definitions of kissing for a long time. Pap says there is only one definition of marriage and that definition is splice. If yon don't splico to Mamie, father says he will break your back. Girl's Beau—Let us have peace. Let darling Mamio come in and we will have tho ceremony performed at once. —Boston Font. Method* of tho Dudes. The old clo' man could, if he would, toil curious secrets of well-dressed hu manity. Most of us can recall trans actions with this peripatetic trader, ip which, after treating with contumely each individual piece of a not ineleg ant wardrobe, ho lugged off the gar ments and left with the seller a piti fully small sum in exchange. The gilded youth does these things better. His old clothes are but technically old, as the young soldier of a few years' service is technically a veteran. He never wears a garment longer than a few week* and be tells It for a fair percentage Of the original oost. He get* long credits from his tailor and oath down from the old clo' man. He thue contrive* to be always well dree sod at a comparatively moderate cost It ia told of a great ready-mad* clothier's son that the young man ap peared in a new auit at least onoe a month. He wore his garment* care fully, and after they had been pressed and cleaned returned them to hie father's stock to be sold as new to an nneuspeoting public.—N. Y. Letter. —A oertaln journal mentions Jams* Clark and wife, who were "born, died and burled on the same day. and Ms wife most have been awfully young. SUFFERING PIONEERS. Fnl- Some of the 111 rdshlps Endured by the the Western Reserve* a j in its settlors tho best blood of New I England. Thost men journeyed thither , in springless wagons, or in sleds, fol | lowing through the woods, trails which in- | were so narrow that a passage for their in- teams had to be cut. Months were oc i eupied in the fatiguing, uncomfortable said j journey, during which the emigrants j encountered sickness, hunger, wild zem j beasts and wilder Indians. When ! "the land of promise" was reached, a . log-hut, with greased paper for win (lows, a door of split boards, and a j rude floor, was run up. The inmates and of ono log-cabin "hung up a quilt, and that, with a big bull dog, constituted j the door." Wooden dishes and bowls a were used for years after the arrival ol ,he i thc l 8 « ttIe ™- When yellow clay dishes and bowls were made, the hardy house j wives looked upon them as luxuries. j The pioneer mothers were gifted He , with a "faculty. They made mince in pies of pumpkins instead of apple, and j with vinegar in place of wine and sea- j cider, and they used bear's meat in . stead of beef. These pics were sweet i First Settlers The Western Reserve of Ohio received ened with wild honey, and seasoned with pulverized peper. Salt was brought from Onondaga, N. Y„ on ox-teams or pack-horses, and cost twenty dollars a barrel. Later on, a salt spring was discovered, to which people from all parts of tho Reserve repaired in the spring, with a kettle, to manufacture their own salt. Corn bread, baked on a clean board before a roaring fire, was the staple article ol diet. It was served smoking hot, and with it a bowl of milk and a wooden spoon: The corn was ground in the hollow of an oak stump; the grinding was accomplished by pounding with a stone pestle, hung to a spring pole. Afterward hand-mills eamo into use, which required two hours of steady turning to grind meal enough to sup ply a day's food to ono person. The annals of one of the families oi the reserve record that for three months a younger son looked after the supply of corn meal He had chills and fever, and the nearest hand-mil! was at a neighbor's five miles distant. He harmonized his work and his ••shakes." In the morning, as soon as tho first "shako" was over, he walked to the neighbor's, carrying a peck of corn. He would grind his grist, wait until the second "shake" had passed, and then walk home. Another family, whose head was away seeking food, lived for three days on boiled beech leaves. On tho fourth day, the smallest son, twelve years old, rushed into the cabin, crying, "Give me the gun! I can shoot a deer!" gun from tho rack, gave it to the boy, and bade the children hush and listen. The report and tho shout told of the boy's succes; he had killed a find deer. The father of another family went twenty miles to buy provisions. His wife and three children were so desti tute during his absence that she cm|> tied the straw of her bed on the cabin floor, and picked it over to obtain what wheat, she could. She gathered a handful, which she boiled and gave to her children. A wild turkey ap proached the cabin; she heard it call, snd took down her husband's riflo, which she had been taught to handle. There was but one charge of powder in the house, and that was in the gun. She realized the situation, but, controling her nerves, crept noar tho bird, and fired. Tho turkey fell dend, and she had food for her little ones. Bears and wolves wore numerous, and every cabin had its wolf or bear story. There was scarcely a pioneer but could brag of having been chased up a tree by a black bear. The women could tell of their rude strategy to keop the many wolves from the door. One woman burned gunpowder in a spoon, held through a crevice in horlog cabin, to frighten away the wolves. Another kept the spinning wheel going all night, so that her little onos would not be scared by the bowlings of the hungry wolves. Women had to be brave. Ono woman heard in the evening the howl ing of wolves. She bed a fow sheep, and having pat the children to bed, she lighted a torch and sailed forth. She found the sheep huddled together In the pasture, end sew tho dark forms of the skulking wolves. The sheep fol lowed her home, whero she built a large fire, and thua kept the beasts of prey et bay.—Fowl As Companion. A Literary Carter. "Thero goes that clever Mrs. Feather leigh, she makes a fortune every year from her pen " "Indeed) I never aew any of her pro ductions." "Never sew them! why the wrote e letter commending 'Parian Powder for the Complexion,' that has been re produced in fao-eimile on every box sold. She received a thousand dollars for It—Li/s ■ —Sadie Moyer, of Lantford, Pa., is ten years old, weighs one hundred and ninety-five pounds, and Is taking fat at the rat* at two pounds a weok. it. two as re eat to a in I ot Tho mother took down the a a on OUB BOYS AND GIRLS. a a AS A BOV. "When I was ■ boy," tho (trandslre Mil To the bright lad by his knee, "Of the victors crowned with tame I read. Who triumphed on land end tea! And through the years, from the deathless A summons has sounded long; To youth, and manhood, and hoary age, The message Is this: 'Be strongI' "When I was s boy—" he paused and said To the listener by hts knee "Of the men who were ns lights l read In a dark world's history I They prised the truth and were loved of Ood, And no fear of man thor knew: And still, from the glorious heights they trod, The message was this: 'Be true 1'" — (jiUur. BIJE AND THE TURTLE. Bow lie Captured the Creature* and How He Got It Home. Abijah was strolling along the creek that ran through the stump lot, a few rods back from his father's house. He wore as a protection against dirt a blue gingham over-garment, made aft er tho fashion of a man's shirt, and reaching to his knees. He could walk when ho had it on, but if he wished to make giganlie strides, he must needs hold the skirt of it tip. Sometimes as ho rambled, he jumped over a stump, and sometimes he threw sticks into the stream; and once and finally he lay down at full length upon an overhanging grassy bank, where the stream was deep still, and with his face over tho edge looked down into the water. As he lay, wondering If a fish wouldn't "look comipal" if it had ears like a hound's, and if, In such a case, it would be likely to step on its ears and stumble, a movement in the wa ter arrested bis attention, and, after a moment of wide-eyed gazing, he readied down and pulled out into the dry light of day a huge snapping-tur tie. Witli the same motion that drew the turtle from the water he threw it several feet from him out on the green sward. and witli his heart beating faster than its wont lie rose and watched it "perform." It had fallen upon its back, and w hen it had rallied its astonished and scattered wits it thrust out his head and its rough white neck, and placing its head on the ground, turned itself over. It seemed to Bije that the turtle looked at him and defied him. It needed no challenge to make him afraid of it; he was afraid already. But lie took a long stick and poked it; and it hissed and spat like an angry cat, and snapped fiercely at tho stick, and raised itself up from the ground on its feet, and hissed more and worse, ho whispered, in his terrified heart; "Landyi I'll keep away from you!" Bjo was not intimately acquainted with turtles, and it occurred to him, as ho was poking at this one, that for aught he knew it might, when its paticnco was gone, flr at him and scratch his eyes out; and he thence forth confined his operations to veiy gently preventing it from returning to tlie water. He had heard his grandmother tell of cooking a "mortal great turkle" that his grandfather caught when the family "was moving in a wagon out to Indianny," and he recalled mouth watering statements relative to the de lieiousness of the said turklo "and of other turklcs." Ho remembered hear ing too that a man who lived the saw-mill road had put a turtle into his swill barrel, where it had fattened until it was just right to eat; and Bije said to himself that he would put his turtle into tho family swill barrel, and have it for dinner on his birthday. As he sat contentedly on a stump keeping guard he pictured to himself his turtle grown amazingly delioious and too large to live longer in the swill barrel, and then far more deli cious and too big to bo comfortable In tho miU-nond; aud so did hla imagina tion run riot that he was about to behold it absolutely enshrouded in de liciousness, and as large ns the sandy lot, when he was confronted by a dis mal problem—how to get the creature home. over on It was useless to call for his mother, for she was across the road from the house picking borriee. If he left the turtle and went for help, It was certain to go back Into the creek; and a* far ae carrying it home by the tail, not h not while It had a headl After mature deliveratlon, he made a noose In tho end of a oord and ap proached the turtle from behind and tried to lasso Ita tail. Intending to march triumphantly home with the beast In tow; but this was • tall that loved liberty, and it refuted to b* las coed. At last, grown desperate, here solved to drive two stakes Into th* ground, about eight inches apart, end ••shoo the turtle toward them until Ae front of IU ehell was between °* tfc flrsuuk* Job* driven in this deep (dot, he ku g»»t aunoyanc* tlwap pweehet Mi father * epotted call Tie THE oalf In its infancy had licked ing out of a custard mother had made for him r«i tile pis that * . - and set a bench to cool, and it hail away when he was hidte a, rope, and dragged him through t| distinct mud puddles and fire tin. cumbers; and when he resolred. „ did resolve, that if his life were t0 , he would protect the calf frj turtle, It was not that he loved the more, but that ho loved the turtle 1 But argumont was lost upon the ( and it was too tamo to be chased' as Bije was looking for the seel stake, it spied the turtle, and with the curiosity of the four-legged, head down to smell so urmsnal a ti At that instant Bije glanced toward and uttering an uproarous war-wht ran up to the calf and bestowed m it a lusty kick. The calf fled, and its nose saved; but the kick brought the breadth of Bije's blouse againat leg he stood on with such force the leg lost its footing, and Bije _ thrown, a confused heap, into the f| and eves of the turtle. In falling 1 had forgotten that interesting reptl and lay for a moment nursing the to viction that all his bones were brokl and himself unconscious, when j turtle snapped its teeth together in J flesh of his favorite thigh. His hi horrified impression was^hstthe crei ure had bitten clear through him five or six directions, but really it hi taken only ono bite, and that wm t so deep as it was lasting. As Bije rose, the turtle's weight to its teeth out of his tender flesh, but maintained its hold in the Arm stuff his trousers and blouse, and Bije, alt one look down at the monster dsnglii at his side, lifted up the opposite sh of the skirt of his garment and dashi off toward home, shrieking at era bound. His mother, returning from b bciry-picking, came out when tl heard him, and staying him in his ml carocr, unbuttoned his blnnse al trousers and slipped them down ai off; and Bije watched her while >1 carried them to the swill barrel at lowered the turtle into its depth Fooling itself in its "native element,! it let go its hold, and began forthwil to fatten for Bije's birthday dinner. Isabel Freeland, in HarpsPs less People. jeither »mw on Dutc iur 4iisb bi th Afi foul fj ilSTt itch of lions. Duti I in 18 hsl bo rem i of til hm 1 put pt h t He a to he a he rs M th rept re fie tycini ■angel nment ! fcmiblk Kars Id lismond cibly ml t> red ii -still 1st tlie Dost va tire A Hire ood Hi pid Col leploret lid tlie the nati ritish he nati heir ot Nor eater tnders ion it it It North ill Enn ti an North ica an 2, tlie rath [is that Mr. lEngtis] [then fn [Living land nu Inplor: ■the Ta llude 2i Irestigi land t lAmoii; the L I Comps I tame, I Tati ri THE PRINCE OF WALES How the Future Kin* or EnglMl to 'age* to Kill Tia* At Sandringham the Prince bred fasts with hit wjfe and daughter b at Marlborough House his habita e less regular, and as often as not! first meal consists of sardine on tos with a cup of coffee. This "small n early" is partaken of in tho airiest costumes before the dressing roo fire, and during its progress his Boj Highness sorts and reads his lettci The next business—always sn impel ant item with the Prince af Wiles is the choice of the suit of cloths 1 means to wear, and the selectionil him a matter of much care. It i pends, of course, on the preptmi for the day. If his diary tells hi that he has to open a hospitsl or i tend a "heavy" meeting of l«sn" professors, or run down to Windsor I see'"mamma," as he still call11" Most Gracious Majesty, the Ms frock ooat with the silk facings, with pair of quiet unmontionables to low, is tlie order given to his w Should Sandown, or a little looebs "somewhere" with Charley Bcrenon be down in the day's bill of te* " latest thing in wonderful ebenw*' ohecks is called for, but whstew** is oflTered to him the Prinee h** reject it if it has been worn before. His Boyal Highness wears a pair of trousers mow this \ timet. , As soon as he is arrayed k p! and fine linen, tho Prinee mi F rancis Knoliys in, and over cigar of tho day, Instructs Hu* , tho proper treatment of the F opened letters. Then bo way to his wife's mornlngroots, he is sura to find the Princess 1 daintiest of morning tolletto M with t* 0 " 1 : Aftc el rc-< Leydo tricts, march thonsi openei 18731 Ilatua been Last tis which Binin (halt motii for gi or ri third, ■pon proci beinj bom to Ei 1887 to si den meri this far tain lout toui (list work upon "crewels, daughters making wonderfelg*J™r for the Sandringham poor. " third littto maid is reading stoi*"" from the IVmss or Montofn* . papers end th* crewel work sw , laid aside when the Prinee **»« £ when Ms youngest dMg«« brought him the welgHt-cenT* chair in the room half •» follows. During the •*•** the home life the kS people have together, uolss* ot M* wife and daughw* yet Ire T bon k» f Will to «e *» •to OBM Prinee eeee them no root* ■" morning.—Pe n Kane** » | pt aking about fruit *o fot reporter, "I drew • eo trte to life that after It Into th* weet* besket it -I Ubodg taporter. to to it tot a Ini