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OtJR BUDGET OP PUN.
SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIQINAL AND SELECTED. Jnst llkt Bar Father or the Story of Burning £OT« Affair—Soiling Stale Newa—Consolation In Grief—SOBM thlnx Wrong. Just Like Her Father. The wooing had progressed splen didly. It had even progressed to a point where she had been won—that is, ostensibly won. If she proved to be a truthful girl, she would in time be his wife. If she .were not truthful—well, no man wants a wife who is not truth ful. That's the way some men console themselves when they fail to marry. But she seemed to be truthful, and as he drew her closer to him he whis pered: "And when we are married, dearest, we will have the happiest home in all the wide, wide world!" "Yes, George," she replied. "There can never be a harsh word n our home." "No, George." "And when I come home tired and worn out with work at the office and the worries of business you'll be kind to me?" "Y-e-s, George." "I knew you would. You'll soothe me and put me in better humor?" "Y-e-e-s but I say, George!" "Yes, dearest. "Why shouldn't you do a little of this yourself?" "Why, darling—" "Yes, that's all right. But to come right down to business, as papa says— why shouldn't you also be kind to me when things go wrong? I don't want to do it all, you know. You're not looking for a private nurse, are you?" "Why, Mabel?" "When the cook leaves unexpectedly to go to the bedside of her second cou sin, you might be just a trifle consid erate, you know." "How strangely you talk, pet." "Well, they say I'm papa's girl, you know, and I notice when any one tries to make a bargain with him he gen erally gets some stipulation to his own interest put in, just as a precau tion." George and Mabel have now been married exactly five years and three months, and at the moment of going to press have never had a single quar rel!—Tit-Bits. Something Wrong. Mr. Benny Benedict had been read ing his paper in quietude for almost five minutes. Presently he looked up at his wife with an agonized expression of fear and dread. "'What's the matter with the baby?" he cried. Mrs. Benedict jumped up like a buck ing mule. "Good gracious, nothing I hope!" "There must be. I feel inwardly that jthere is something grievously wrong •kith the pet." "Why, Benny—oh, why?" "He isn't howling!"—Ally Sloper. Willing to Show 'Em. An honest young man who had es caped a great, peril by an act of hero ism, was much complimented for his bravery. One lady said: "I wish I could have seen your feat." Whereupon he blushed and stam mered, and finally pointing to his pedal extremities, said: "Well, here they be, mum." Rudely Shattered. "Chumleigh says his first love was his school teacher." "Indeed." "Yes. But he says love's young dream was shattered the first time she took him on her lap." "That seems funny." "Not at all. He was face downward at the time."—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Stale Newa. "You'll be getting locked up, young un, for ollering false noos." "Not much, I shant these pipers are three weeks old."—Moonshine. Caah Depositor*. One Small Boy—My papa puts the ^ioney he don't give to mother in a coffee pot. Other Small Boy—Mine don't he puts it in a jackpot. I heard mother say so.—Detroit Free Press. An Impossible Husband. "I can't imagine a woman marrying a prize fighter." "Too brutal?" "I should say. Why, he would never give her a chance to talk!" Philadel phia North American. Wanna Stretching, She had shown her friend over the bijou villa, which she had Just talwn, and which was very much like a some what enlarged doll's house. "And now, dear, what do you think of it? Isn't it sweet?" "YOB, indeed," replied the friend "but what are you going to do with all those little rooms?" "Oh! I shall let them out, dear." "Oh! that will be all right, then, for I'm sure they want it."—Ally Slo per's. Those Artful Men! Mrs. Naggerton—I cannot under stand what the attraction of a public dinner is to you men. You can enjoy a good meal at home if you want to, or if not there are plenty of restaur ants where you might go, but only the young men seem to take advantage of them. Mr. Naggerton (absentmindedly)—At a public dinner, my dear, there are no women, don't you see—(he never fin ished).—Ally Sloper's. Behind Ma's Back. "Pa," said little Harry, "after nv hit her thumb with the hammer today she says she suffered untold agony for ten minutes." "My, my, my!" exclaimed the boy's father. "Wonders'll never cease. "That's the first time she ever let any thing go untold that long."—Chicago Times-Herald. Consolation. Jennie (to her aunt, who is grieving over the loss of her pet canary)— '"Well, auntie, there's one comfort, anyhow, we know he's much better off where he is." About the Size of It. Father—Where is your mother, Johnny? Johnny—She's out in the back yard whittling. Father—Are you sure she is whit tling? Johnny—Yes, sir she's trying to sharpen a lead pencil.—Chicago News. Mere Matter of Figures. He entered the cheap restaurant and took a seat at one of the tables. "Will you have a 25 cent dinner or a 50 cent one, sir?" inquired the waiter. "Is there any real difference?" "Certainly, sir." "What is it?" "Twenty-five cents, sir." He Never Sleeps. Fuddle—You know Stocks, don't you? Doctor—Yes, indeed. He is now a patient of mine. Fuddle—Pretty wide-awake man, isn't he? Doctor—I should say so. I'm treat ing him for insomnia. At the Wrong Door. "Madam, I am soliciting for home charities. We have hundreds of poor, ragged children like those at your gate, and "Sir, those children are mine!" and the slamming of the door could be heard in the next street Distorted by Olamoar. "What is the honeymoon, pa?" "Well, the honeymoon is the only period in a man's life during which he considers it funny to come home and find that his dear little wife hasn't din ner ready on time."—Detroit Free Press. Recognised His Opportunity. Ada (pensively).—I hope you'll in vite me to the wedding when you get married. Jack (boldly)—I'll invite you before I ask any one else, and if you don't accept there won't be any wedding. A Woman's Question. "I see he remarked, as he looked up from' his paper, "that the British have recovered that battery of guns." "What was it covered with the first time, dear?" she sweetly asked.— Cleveland Plain Dealer. Fore# of Hablte She—Why does that piano sound first loud and then soft when Miss Wil son plays it? He—Well, you see, she is learning to ride a bike, and uses both pedals from force of habit. Got Been with Thetn. Novelist—Those confounded critics slated my new novel most unmerci fully. Friend—Well, you have your re venge. They had to read the book. Fnrely Ornamental. Visitor—Your smoking room is beau tifully furnished. Mr. Henpeck-Yes if I only were al lowed to smoke in it! For disorders of the feminine organs have gainod tholr groat ronown and onorntous salo bo oauso of tho permanent good they havo done and are doing for the women of this oountrym all ailing or suffer ing women oould be made to understand how ab solutely truo are tho statements about Lydla Em Plnkham's Vegetable Compound, their suffer ings would end* Mrsm Plnkham counsels women free of ohargem Her address Is Lynn, Massm The advloo she gives Is praotloal and honestm You oan write freely to her she Is a wo man. J-THOMPSON & 80NS MFC. CO. Box 501. BELOIT, WIS. nDnDCVNEV* DISCOVERY gives V quick relief and CM res wo/rt cases. Book of testimonials and 10 DAYS' treatment WB. PR. H. H. MEKM'H 8QKB. «. lUnU. 6a. When Answering Advertisements Mindly Mention This Paper. Says his twine last year was first class CAVETT, OHIO, April 11, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago. Gentlemen: The twine ordered of you last summer proved first class and there was no complaint. Think 1 can send you quite an order this year if the price is O. K. Yours truly, W. E. SUNDERLAND. Our twine fave him satisfaction in everyway KANSAS, ILL., April 9, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, 111., Dear Sirs: Would like your very best prices on bind ing twine. I purchased my twine from you for two years and it has given us perfect satisfaction in every wav. Yours respectfully, C. C. SHUMAKER. •MUST NOT IMITATE CURB. Joseph W. Burgess of the firm of Burgess ft Van Horn, chemists, and Harry Lay and W. T. Fuge, barbers, were arraigned in the criminal court at Kansas City, May 2, on the charge of refilling bottles which originally contained Coke's dandruff cure with a spurious article and passing it off for the genuine. They pleaded not guilty and were released on bonds of |500 each to appear for trial May 24. It is understood that other arrests will follow and that the cases now pending will be vigorously prosecuted. Radical Care. Since taking the drug treatment for alcoholism he had lost his fondness for fiooks. "Your mind is doubtless affected," we suggested kindly. "No, it's because reading maketh the full man!" he exclaimed, shuddering abhorringly. From this we perceived that the cure •was extremely radical.—Detroit Jour nal. 1 DURABLE.. Send (or Catalogue snd state your power needs. Had our twine last year, and he and his neighbors want it this year LAKE, OHIO, April 9, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, 111. Dear Sirs: 1 would like if you would send samples and prices of your binder twine again this spring. The twine I got of you last year was as good a twine as I ever had, ana a good many of my neighbors want to send with me this time for twine. L. L. GRAYBILL. Says our twine is ail one could expect RIPPEY, IOWA, April 6, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co. It is with pleasure that I write to you, your twine is all that one could expect. Please send me samples of your twine, as I expect to order of you again this year. Yours truly, BENJ. SUMMERS. Twine pleased him last year and he wants it again this year MATTESON, MICH., April 10, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co. Please send price list of your binding twine, also sam- Jaction, iles. I used your twine last year and it gave good satis so I would like more this year. Truly yours, C. H. RICHARDS. JUNE 1 A BARGAIN DAY. Farm News, one of America's best live stock and farm journals, price 50 cents a year, bas adopted a new and original plan to get into new homes by making an un usually low price on certain Bargain Days, The best offer yet is to send it one year to all who remit 15 cents to Farm News,Spring field, Ohio on June 1, next Bargain Day. Diplomacy. Miss Wunder—Why do you always ask Miss Sanger to play her own ac companiments? Miss Gabby—Why, she always plays loud enough to drown her voice.—Balti more American. Binder Twine at low Prices. If you want a special inside price on binder twine, either Sisal, Standard or Manila, cut this notice out and mail to SEARS, ROEBUCK & Co. (Binder Twine Department), Chicago, stating about how much twine you will require •••ill* MIS FklfllllFS and how soon you will want it, and they will LtfflS bA« CHallltS save you money by quoting you a price that will either seeure your order or compel the party who supplies you to sell to you at a lower price than he otherwise would. Adapted for Alt Purposes SIMPLE ECONOMICAL Solitude. "Yes.'' muttered the old inhabitant, in faultless dialect, "when I first came to Kentucky to live my nearest neigh bor was fourteen miles away, and in those days the best guns carried a scant two miles." It isn't always because the play strikes you forcibly that you see stars at the theater. d- Twine satisfied him, so did price FILLMORE, N. Y. Montgomery Ward ft Co., Chicago, 111., Gentlemen Send me samples and quote me prices on binder twine. We used your twine for the past three or four years. Have saved money by doing so and well satisfied with twine. ours trul' W. ft. SWARTZ. Says ours was the best twine he ever bad ROCKWOOD, PA., April 2, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, 111.. Dear Sirs: Please give me the prices of your binder twine, as the twine I got of you last year was the best I have had yet. Yours truly, D.M. WE1MER. So well pleased with twine he got last year that he will order again this year CHARLES CITY, IOWA, April 2, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co.. Chicago, 111., Gentlemen: I write to find out what you can sell Standard Twine this season. Send me samples and prices. The twine I received from you last year was all O. K., and I have concluded to order twine from you again this year. WM. BOEKEMEIKB. Was well pleased with last year's twine and wants it again this year PATTONVILLE, TEXAS. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, 111. Dear Sirs: What will you put binder twine at this year? I purchased from you last year, and it gave per fect satisfaction, so I will make another deal with you if you are right in prices. I have found your goods to be what you recommend them. Yours truly, H. H. ABELS. Wants samples and prices, as he liked what he used last year SMITHTON, WIS., April 9, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, 111. Dear Sirs: 1 bought binding twine of you la«t year, and was well pleased with it, so I would like to have you send me a sample of your twine, and also the prices of it. Yours respectfully, OTTO DRAEGER. Gave him satisfaction and he wants our twine again this year OKLAHOMA, O. T., April 2, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, IU. Dear Sirs: Please quote me prices, as soon as they are established, on your Blue Label binder twine, as I used it last vear and it save good satisfaction. Yours truly, M. E. FRISS. Says, considering quality and price, it has no equal LENA, IOWA, Jan. 10, 1899. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, III. Dear Sirs: 1'have used Blue Label Binder Twine for the past two years, and it has been entirely satisfactory. Centering quali^dpnce Has used our twine for past three seasons, always found it good, and cheaper in price than others offered HEDRICK, IOWA, March 26, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, III Gentlemen: Please send me samples and prices of your binder twine as soonas ready. I have been using your twine for tne last three seasons, and find it satisfactory and con siderable cheaper than our dealers here ask for same. I sent you a large order last year for myself and neighbors, and hope to send you a still larger order this spring as soon as I receive samples and prices. Wishing you every success, I remain, Yo More than 25,000 farmers purchased their binder twine of us last year, and we had less than twenty-five complaints all told. No other brand of twine can show such a record. BLUE LABEL BRAND STANDARD CULL FROM I S E N McntgomeryWard ik GO CHICAGO that Tempting Pate. "I have come," said the young man, "to ask you to let me have your daughter." "Never!" shouted the millionaire." "Thanks," shouted tiie other, as he hurried away. "Up to this time she has refused to smile upon my suit. When I tell her that you object to me she will be mine!"—The Columbian. Very Falthfnl. Purchaser—I would agree to your price if I were only sure that the little dog would be faifhful. Dealer—Faithful? Well, I should say so. I have sold him blaf a dozen times already and he ha scome biTck every time.—New York World. DR. J. B. RfflDLAVD. Specialist. Bjre, Ear, Hose and Throat, Fargo. N. D. Feara Quieted. "How are conditions in your part of the state?" ."All right," answered the Kentucky mountaineer. "The danger's all over. We were powerful scared for a while, but I don't reckon there's any chance of an ammunition famine now."— Washington Star. The love of money is the root of all evil, but not all money is bad. Alabama produced 7,000,000 tons of coal and 1,083,905 tons of iron in 189J). A cucumber farm of 1.100 acres is the latest Lawrence (Kas.) project. Theatrical managers announce strong attractions for the week. The first book printed in Minnesota (in 1836) was a Bible. WE CLAIM Baker's Nonpareil CATARRH Is the only thing known that Absolutely Cures Catarrh No trouble to use It. Write for testi mony ot parties cured, that you will be lieve. Over1000cases oured in Minnesota. BIKER DRUB COMPANY, FERGUS FALL8, MINN. N. D. N. V. —No. 22.— 1900. sours respectfully, JOHN H. SHORT. Binder Twine Will be scarce this yearl Order it at once! It has been predicted that there will be a serious shortage of twine this year, owing to the scarcity of hemp, largely due to the war in the Philippines. Our Blue Label Binder Twine is the best in the world. The average breaking strength of our twine is 8o pounds and we guarantee every pound to give satisfaction or we'll refund your money. Our 1900 Blue Label Twine Is put up in 50-lb. flat bales, each bale containing ten 5-lb. balls. We do not break bales. PRICES Standard "5? lb. flat balM, on board cars lift Chicago or Minneapolis, per lb. 11V Pure white Sisal, 485 to StIQSII 515 feet to the pound, in WIVHI 50-lb. flat bales, on board cars Chicago or Minneapolis, per lb lie Averaging from 580 to 615 feet to the pound, in 50-lb. flat Manila bales, on board cars Chi cago or Minneapolis, per lb Montgomery Ward & Co. CHICAGO Tried Blue Label Twine with different binders and always found it satisfactory DAYTON, IOWA, Nov. 6, 1899. we furnished him, and expresses his satisfaction, his binder befogthe McCormick. I3ic Our prices are net cash with order no discounts to anyone for any quantity. All orders must be sent to us at Chicago. We will be glad to quote freight rates to any point upon ap plication. We have the twine in our warehouses at Minneapolis, and all twine shipped to points in Minne sota, North or South Dakota will be shipped from MINNEAPOLIS the day after the order is received at Chicago. Respectfully, 'BERGMAN BROS. Has used our twine for several years and always found it good BRISTOW, IOWA, March 30, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago. III. Dear Sirs: Please send me prices on binding twine. Dur 5 SECURITY. Genuine Carter's Little Liver Pills Must Bear Signature of Sea FaoSimlla Wrapper Below. FORHEADACHb FOR DIZZINESS* FDR BILIOUSNESS. FOR TORPID LIVER. FOR CONSTIPATION. FOR SALLOW SKIN. FOR THECOMPLEXIOR CURE 8ICK HEADACHE. W. DOUGLAS 83 & 3.BO SHOE8 IBff IVVorth S4 toS6compared, r\ with other makes, Indorsed by over 1,000,000 wearers. I 37«e genuine have W. L. I Douglas' name and price I stamped on bottom. Take no substitute claimed to be as good. Your dealer. should keep them—if. not, we will send a pair' on receipt of price and a e. extra for carriage. State kind of leathMfc site, and width, plain or cap toe. Cat. frsst W. DOUGLAS SHOE CO., Brockton. Mm. CLAiriANTS FOR PENSION IE write to NATHAN rsl'OIUIl |r B1CKFORD, Washington, D. C., till will receive quick replies. B.bthN.H. Vol fita£20th Corps. Prosecuting Claim* since 187! When Answering Advertisements Kindly Mention This Taper. Says he doesn't care for samples as he knows from experience that the twine is good LEWISVILLE, TEX., April 7, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago. Dear Sirs: Please send me you*prices on binder twine, as I will need about 300 pounds. Give me your best prices, please. I don't care for any samples, as I know the twine You is good. sours truly, E. F. ROBB. Used our twine for three years and saved money by doing so VALLEY SPRINGS, S. D„ April 4,1900. Montgomery Ward & Co. Please quote binder twine prices. Hare used twine from you tor three years, and saved good money by it. Yours truly, W.J. KYLE. Twine was all right and prices lower than he could obtain elsewhere VERMONTVILLE, MICH., March25,1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, 111. Dear Sirs: How about binder twine for this yearT It was all right last year, and cheaper than we could have bought it here, although some predicted it would be no good. Yours truly, JOHN McCARTY. twine for several years past and find i Yours very respectfully, J. W. PIPER. Says our Blue Label Binder Twine was the best he ever used HELENA, MINN., March 23, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, IU. Dear Sirs: Please send me samples and prices of your twine. I ordered my twine from you last year, and it gave me the best satisfaction. It was the best twine I ever had. Yours truly, JOHN M. DEUTSCH. Bought Binder Twine from ns last year and found it 0. K. DAWN, OHIO, March 29, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, III. Dear Sin: Pleaie fend prices on binder twine (or this •eason, as I found the twine bought of you last season to be all O. K. Yours truly, C. L. BYARD. Used it last year, was well pleased with it. and wants more WEBSTER CITY, IOWA, March 28,1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, III. DearSira: Will you please send me samples and prices on binder twine. We used the Blue Label Standard last year, and were well pleased with it. Yours truly, C. E. McCONNELL. Liked what he got last year and wants more RED WING, MINN. Montgomery Ward ft Co., Chicago, IU., Dear Sirs: What is the price for twine this year. 1 bought some of you last year, and liked it first rate. Please let me know the price. Respectfully, OSCAR ANDERSON. Don't care for samples as he knows twine is all right and wants it MATTOON, ILL., March 10, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, IU Dear Sirs: Please send prices of your binder twine on or about June 1. You needn't send samples. I used your twine for the last few years and find it O. K. Yours truly, WM. H. TEBUREN. Likes twine and intends getting in his order early GRANGEVILLE, IDAHO, Mar. 34, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, III., Dear Sirs: Please send me samples of your binder twine, also prices. Was well pleased with twine last year. Want to get order in early this year. Yours respectfully, GEO. S. SCHMADEKA. As good as the best, and much cheaper io price than that offered by local dealers THOR, IOWA, Nov. 4, 1899. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, 111. Gentlemen: Your Blue Label Binder Twine is all you claim for it It is as good as the best binder twine I ever used. It was cheaper by 4 cents per pound than any other twine sold here, and it gave entire satisfaction botn in price and quality. I was a little afraid of your twine before, but will hereafter recommend it to anyone. Yours truly, A. C. HOLM. He and bis neighbors were well pleased with our Binder Twine MONITOR, W. VA„ April 10, 1900. Montgomery Ward & Co., Chicago, III. Gentlemen: Will you kindly give me quotations for this season on binder twine? I ordered of you last year for myself and quite a number of my neighbors, and it gave entire satisfaction. Respectfully yours, J. M. WINDF.LL.