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THE CKLIVA DEMOCRAT. t'KIJN'A, OHIO
gig ernes- As He Remarked, He Was Slinker Only in Name IEW VOKK. After driving around Central pnrk In an nutoinolillo with a Jl party of men friends who disappeared ami left lilm to pay the fure. a man. lenorlblliK himself lis John Slinker. tlity-two yours old, of .117 Went Forty- eighth street, win arraigned In the West side court hefore MnglMtrnto (iroehl, when he created a nceno lit I ho xlreet, while illelstlliK tliut liU wouldn't pay more thun so nuts for the drive, us he was only one-sixth of the party. "Why don't joij pay the man," an Id MaglMtrate (iroehl ; "It's only H.HO." "My goodness, judce, I haven't that much in the world." Slinker re plied. After mime deliberation the magistrate, with the approval of thu rhauneurv consented to suspend sentence If the man paid the 80 cents. Shoving his hand down In his rluht-hnnd trousers pocket, he brought forth roll of hills which astonished the court It bristled with $lt notes. The prisoner fumbled with the roll a minute or so, couldn't tind anything but hills of large denominations, and down went his hand in his left-hand trouser pocket and It came out with another hunch of greenbacks. He pulled off a dollar hill and handed It to the driver. Turning to the policeman, he aid : "Here's Slim for jour trouble, and. Judge, you're deserving of $."0 here." The Judge sat hack in his chair and roared with laughter. Of course, the officials refused the money, and Slinker started out of the courtroom. Whew be got to the door he suddenly discovered that he didn't have his 'JO cents change and ho went hack mid got it. As he dually latssed out he remarked: "I'm Slinker, in name only." Tore Up Hats of Woman She Says Took Husband SAN KUAXi'lSCO. Mrs. Pell Fowler, twenty-three years old, well dressed and attractive-daughter of former I'nlted States Senator I.evi Ankeny of Walla Walla, Wash., was arrested on charges of grand larceny and malicious , mischief, after she had administered a err-. T IVAn uuil i TCMS married in J01". That they might aetiuire sullieleiit money to go into business she says she went on the vaudeville stage as a musician, assisting her husband liniincially. Some months ago Fowler established himself in business here, uud his wife says she returned to San Francisco again to make her home wjth him. She says she then learned that her husband was attentive to Miss Leslie and she went to Miss Leslie's -apartments. According td the police, Mrs. Fowler attacked her husband -on entering the place and he tied down a tire escape. Action When Mrs. Schenska Went "Over the Top" CHIOACO. Eggs were responsible. They started an offensive which had a most sanguinary conclusion. Little lleglna Schenska went to H. Dok torsky's liukery shop at 11- North Ashland avenue to buy three fresh eggs. When lteglna got home the eggs were brown. Mother Schenska took a sniff at 'hem. A moment later, with blood In her eye and the shattered eggs In her hand, she sallied forth to battle. Poktorsky was there In his shop. With an aim that belied woman's traditional Inaccuracy, Mrs. Schenska went over the top. Poktorsky tried So scramble way from (he eggs, but la vain. In a moment he looked like fin eggnog. In the shop were .three generations .of Doktorfikys.of the dead lier species. They launched a counter-uttack on Mrs. Schenska. Casualties were heavy nnd It began to look like a rout for Mrs. Schenska when the tall and forbidding figure of Henry Schenska darkened the door. Poktorsky thought of his home and hearth und grabbed for the canned jiickles. lie bounced them with venom from Schenska's head. Schenska leaped for the (lold Pust Twins, while his valorous spouse began to hurl vermicelli in jars. lie-enforcements came from the rear six brawny union bakers. They in stituted a flying tackle;at .Schenska, who reached the door first, but minus his shirt 111 the street the battle continued, with Mrs. Schenska on the sidelines coaching her husband and shrieking Ashland avenue epithets at all bakers. A rowd' gathered and applauded. Then the police came. After All, What's Two Weeks in the Guardhouse? KANSAS CITY. She long had been a friend of the Puw lyothers. She had "gone -with" Hen, the elder, and was a regulur "sister" to Tom. So w hen she knew both -would have to go to war she grieved some, i-mlled a lot and , spent most of her time writing letter IT'LL CHEAT TifF MY KID BROTHER 0 VR .' Mi... V I I two stars, each twinkling ior :a Paw, she told a friend : "Tom Paw Is in France. I heard today. In the letter Ben wrote he said his dream of seeing Tom had come true. He heard Tom's regiment was only 15 miles from his. "So Ben went to his captain and asked for a pass. " 'You'll have io be hack in 22 hours,' the captain said, 'and the only way you can get there is ;to walk." "Tom didn't care. He walked walked In the night, and through danger. Finally he got to Tom's camp and they met. And do you know they got to talking and playing around and Jiavlng such a good time that it was three days before Ben returned." "Three days !" the astonished friend cried, recalling rigid rules. "What'd the captain do?" "Po?" she echoed calmly. "Oh, nothing. Just put him In the guardhouse a couple of weeks." How It Happened That Jempson Missed a Thrill INCINNATI. Jempson always is seeking excitement. In the small town (s where he used to live-tie took especial delight In runaways, telling f'lenda on dull afternoons he would like to see horse and w'eoa 'ov-'ii' the sv eet r n thrilling pace, "or something." Near drownings, attempted suicides, fights and other occurrences took his fancy, but he never failed to say he hoped no one was injured. When Jempson came to" Cincinnati he found a. much larger field for halr ralslng episodes. As he got more thrills his enthusiasm grew. So he took advantage of the fact a friend, Bilker, worked downtown at night. "If anything exciting ever hnp Tuni nnd I'm nt home, call me un and tell me," Jempson told Bilker. And so It occurred that at two o'clock In tlia morning recently the telephone rang at the house where Jempson lives. It rang several times before the Inndlady, rudely awakened from her needed beauty sleep, answered. "Who on earth would ring lip here at this timer' she wondered. The Inndlady grumbled as she took down the receiver, saying she would "see thnt whoever It was never did it again." "This la Bilker," came a voice from the other end. "There's a big flro downtown. I'lease tell Jempson. He asked me to call him If anything ever happened." ....... Aa penalty for the landlady's rude awakening and inlawing tra minutes' sleep, .lempson minuted U thrill. iK-nting to the woman she claims has fstolon her hilshaiid'K affections. Mrs. Fowler was arrested as slm was leaving the Albe'stone apart ments nt "-ir OTurrell street, with a tailored gown and an expensive fur coat which she says her husband had purchased for Miss Tri.ic Leslie, thu woman she alleges to hrive supplanted her. According to Mrs. Fowler's story to the police, she and Fowler were U FIX wise fer stum ne bad and making candy. Hen got to France a year before his "kid" brother. He saw action and won the gold service stripe and longed for the day when It might lie possible to show Tom around. Like wise. Tom hoped for the time he could meet Corporal Ben on the firing line. In the meantime she worked as sponsor for the Paws. Then, the other day, with tilted hat, shining eyes and a sighing glance at her service pin with jPpSyou HAVE A :?f0 10T op NERVE fv&h iCftL1-lN' ME AT Proof That You Never Can Tell About Alley Cats WASHINGTON. Consider the clean plate: Itenieinber the time of flies aud that other time before that, when every day was tngless dog day It Is safe to predict the near future emigration of the street Thomas to thnt bourn from which not even a cut may return. Hut while the law hesitates, the food administration has got so far In its system that uscd-to-be strays that padded around sleek and com "lucent among canteens of the alley talcs have either slunk Into the un known, or, as survival of the unllttest, prowl around gaunt and furtive, seek ing what they may devour and not finding It. Take VlIN, for one. Hefore the war Villa, who Is n robber horn, owned by right of unlawful possession an oiien imiilrv. excent one. Naturally, dlngness of the locked gate ami lidded his advent lire was a broom-chasing from the leading lady of Lhassa. Then the meatless days came. And food piles took to rivaling airplanes n a to altitude, and galvanized cans showed their corrugated bottoms. And Villa began to starve. Inside the forbidden gate the two ladles of Lhassa considered the bony, creeping thing that had been old Vllln. and as no cecal u re must suffer if you ran help It, they made a point of saving bits of this and tliut and setting it In a paper napkin outside on the cobbles, away from the gate, so that the old fellow would never suspect und take liberties with his patrons. lint you can't tell about cats! The other morning the women went on their front steps, and there under the cool shade of the hush of golden glow lay old tortoise-shell, perfectly at home, with three brand new kittens all white. Suffragette Gatherings That Verge on Comedy SF.VKUAL limes of late a very orderly little drama has been enacted in Lafayette park, this city, without attracting much more attention than a dog fight. A group of well-dressed women parades solemnly across the park and stops hefore a statue. One of es to her side and lifts his cap politely. "Have you permission to speak, madam?" lie Inquires. "No." "Then we must ask you to stop." "1 refuse," says the speaker quietly. "We protest " "Men," says tlx- sergeant in a bored tone, "place these ladies under arrest. He always says "ladies." The ladies are then conducted to jail. The 'interest of this almost formal proceeding lies in the fact that It Is a militant demonstration tu favor of national woman suffrage. Woman War Worker Discovers New Capital "Park" WASHINGTON'S newest and oldest pnrk Is Parallel park. Never heard of it? That may he, hut you certainly have seen it. It covers two squares in the heart of the city, and is considered by many as the city's most beautiful park. Four or five statues or brave men adorn the purk. Cannon are to be seen. Soldiers walk through the park. Fair war workers come and go. It Is a beautiful square. Such Is Tnrk Parallel. Never heard of such a parkT Well, perhaps this will give you a clew: The park is located In the Jurisdiction of local board No. 3, the only draft board In the nation whlcn has president of the United States living iu Its territory. Fact! Now you ought to be lib'e to guess. But if not, behold the solution ot tne mystery. Two war workers. lovely creatures, were ruling downtown. "Let's get oflf at the next corner and walk through Parallel park," said one. "Are you sure that's the name?" asked the other. "Sure," said the first war worker. "Look at those signs on the trees. Fanny place to put the name of a park, and I do think it's u pretty cheap way of doin;; it, but " And the second war worker looked at the white signs hitched onto the trees by the curb. The signs are hitched onto the Trees with cord. A thottght Ifol police department put the signs there. In big black capital letters the cards read: "Purk Parallel." .. Irritated Man .Felt He Had a Bight to Criticize THE other night a AVashlngtonian and his wife stood on downtown corners nearly an hour waiting for a street car to come by which would allow two tnodlum-sized persons to squeeze aboard. Car after car shot by. crowded to the guards with people. There wasn't -r "; f . - - dally the man got peeved. Finally, however, they managed to Jam aboard a car, and got as fur ns a certain park, when they had to get off to transfer. Hero more Malting was in order. Car after ear and all so filled that there wasn't a chance to squeeze In. But all things must come to an end, of course, aud at last u car with 14 square feet of space ha ! ha.! stopped, pant ing at the switch, and our hero and heroine got aboard. "One of the Joys of going to the theater in Washington," said the man In disgusted ' tones. A man and woman, walking behind them, overheard. "If they don't like it here," snapped the woman behind in loud tones, "they know "hat they can do." Our Ihero got imad right there. "Madam," he called loudly through the dark, "I was born in Washington." Kitten Now Knows Just How Ludendorff Feels V ONO before man made war the animals did a little slaying on their own L account Animals make war on each other because they have the instinct to kill and oot because they tninK it win rw rtnn't kill cats to give all cats the glory of dogdoiu's "kultur" and make cats learn how to bark Instead of meow. Take that kitten I saw the other morning Just off Pennsylvania avenue. It was a gutter kitten, gray and non descript, and did not appear to weigh more than a pound. It was stalking a great pigeon out i the street. With nil the steeithtness of a tiger the kitten began sneaking up on the pigeon. The fat pigeon, weighing twice what the kitten did, calmly walked here and there, uncousclous of the doom sneaking down upon it. Its eyes gleaming, the kitten sneaked closer and closer to Its prey. It stalked the pigeon around little puddles of water left from an early morning sprinkle of the street. The poor, peaceful bird looked around Alas, too late I Tho cat spruiifc. Square on the back of Its prey the lttcn landed. . The pigeon set Us motor going and rose Into the alr.j The kitten tumbled off and foil Into a puddle. Such la life. an alley of which every hack gale was he had invaded the I.hassallko forbid- can, hut all I he satisfaction he got out of them ascends the pedestal and as sumes an oratorical attitude. A group of blue-coated policemen with eiml solemnity and dignity has approached from another direction, and now surrounds the feminine group like a respectful audience. The lady on the pedestal clears her throat and says: "We protest " A red-haired police sergeant push a chance In the world for cars to take on any more, :nlthqugh sometimes the motormnn would stop his vehicle and the earnest conductor would shout, "Plenty of room up front." and there would be great jamming and push ing, while three score persons fought over each other to get on the step. It was late, after the theater, any way, and as the minutes and the cars sped by the man and his wife espe- De a une tmug ir ua .... -Nrt Gonfrnrc la r mia vnami ... i TZ'"' " ! """" J ' . ;A - J - ' '' V(T:::". , ' y-'f.-t i - - 1 .. n ivu r.l'K I ..... . ILu nMfifWlfitf Aft I si milatinfcBierooa , t r 1 sTm M at Ml i tiilll r jliuri'uaa.a" 3 ' ' f rtltand tostCotrtatei j.J neiU1erOalm.Morpblnen u&MmcraLNoTNAHCOTiG ' MincraL Not Nahcotig Mil ' ' KtlWlP rw " a-sasssn I ana trvio""--- i JuOSS or ri jK Simile Siim" NDVl"''"' DIDN'T SEEM TO WANT MIKE Joy Couldn't Understand Why So Many Telephone Callers Failed to Leave Any Message. He was as bright ns u ilew whistle, from his neatly blacked hhoes to his shock of vermilllon hair (relates Fred dy Senior, referring to the new olllce Vty In his olllce). Quickly he learned his duties .sticking on postage stamps, sorting out mail unci answering the telephone. We had stumbled upon a treasure. Hut strangely enough, with his nr rivol, the number of telephone calls diminished. "I'.uslness depression?" we asked ourselves. Uul on the second morning we heard the bell ring and listened. "Hclloo!" said our hero. "Who Is It V" whs the evident reply from tho other end of the wire. ".Mike Oolinski," answered the youthful prodigy. Then he spelled It. Then, after a pause, he hung up the receiver. 'That's the third one this morning," ho said, turning to me, "who has asked Who la talking?' And when I told 'cm, they said they must have the wrong number." Cleveland 1'iain Dealer. LIFT OFF CORNS! Doesn't hurt at all and costs only a few cents Magic! Just drop a little Freezone on that touchy corn, instantly it stops aching, then you lift the corn off with the fingers. Truly I No humbug J Try Freeaone! Yonr drnggist sella a tiny bottle for a few cents, sullicient to rid your feet of every hard corn, soft corn, or corn between the tees,.and calluses, without one particle of pain, soreness or irritation. Freezoae is the discovery of a noted Cincinnati genius. A man can make his wife oclieve almost anything during their court Hhlp. Brooklyn, N. T., has 20 "Antl-Vellow Dog" clubs pledged to stop war Mars. Was Told He Couldn't Live Six Months But Doan's Brought Mr. Clayton Health and Strength. C. T. Clayton, 7S N. Broad St., Woodbury, N. J., Bays: "I hnd about the worst case of kidney complaint a man could have. My kidneys were In terrible shape. I had 6harp, knifelike pains in the email of my back, and my back often gave ont entirely. I couldn't stoop to lace my shoes. For two years I was in tins helpless condition and didn't do a tap of work and no one thought I would ever be able to work again. In fact. I was told 1 Hr. CUytoa couldn't live six months. But for tunately I began using Doan's Kidney Tills. They made me feel better from the lirst and after tak ing several boxes, I hud better strength and health than ever be fore. I think Doan's are worth their weight In gold, and I recom mend them whenever I hear any one complaining of their kidneys." Cf tvn' at Ah Stars. tOe Bin FOSTER M1LBURN CO. BUFFALO, N. Y. !1 0 1 Children "VWNW' MM m W bk. VN w M BBfe. V. W ma m m 4 w 1. r t m m -bk. m m m mv mm m m m 1. vbAj KUJniJtAi What is CASTORIA Castoria Is a harmless substitute for Castor Oil, Paregoric, Drops and Soothing SyTups. It is pleasant. It contain neither Opium, Morphine nor other narcotic substance. Its age is its guarantee. For more than thirty years it has been in constant use for the relief of Constipation, Flatulency, Wind Colic and Diarrhoea; allaying Feverishness arising therefrom, and by regulating the Stomach and Bowels, aids the assimilation of Food; giving healthy and natural sleep. The Children's Panacea The Mother's Friend. GENUINE CASTORIA ALWAYS JO Bears the Signature of In Use For Over 30 Years The Kind You Have Always Bought That lUes id! soil and Suffer Life l rtrk n"t worth much to th nan or woman with n icld-fctumarn. AeM-tomarh kills Hrx Atnl.it in, Enry ('".trace. It PP the slrencth ot lh ulninuesl lKly ImixiverlslifB the bl..l ransi. untold suit. rln oiakei luilllons "k. until and Urlno on lire luaturL old age. Millions of iiforle r weik ind nntlt, irfTerltiK ill the time. In one way or an utlier. from suiicraeldity or ael.1 atnniach. Tber ilon't Reem danirernunly tlek. Just iilinn. CeliiR throiieh life weak. Ititlrss. dnirpinis one foot after anothir. They'll' nervous and Irritable; lack ikiw r and tiuneh. Irenueutlv have severe mack of hllndlne. Kiittin headaches; mihjeet to flts of melancholia and men ial depression. And nearly always llielr etornaclis are nut of order, even t Lionel. naur eiperiene, no actual stoina.-u lialns- -.licestlon CHJor uevr p.-..uK here neat the full airenglh rroru their food. So. roil see It's Just this ar id stom ach tint Is holding so many people back sapping up the atrwig'li lliey ehonld eet from their f.x.d taking away their lKor and vitality leariuR llietu weak aud Incflicienl. Or rid of the eireaa arid. Thai's the secret of srood henllh and la the only way u obtain fu li'-stloa aud asslui- LOCOMOTIVE NOT TOTAL LOSS Had to Be Abandoned in Face of Hun Advance, but Served a Use ful Purpose. 'Yankee Ingenuity 1ms developed a new weapon for use against the Hun. So; it will not he used very often, yet there are times An American unit of engineers (railway) was hauling ammunition aud supplies for the Freneh in the face of tine of the German drives this year. At the height of things when the Hun was coming over in force nnd ad vancing in a way which meant the loss of anything that could not he moved promptly a $15,000 locomotive jumped the track. Sergt. George Robertson, in charge, watched the battle for a moment, looked at his steam gauge, screwed the safety valve down tight, turned the oil fuel reserve supply into the fire box, and then effected a solitary and successful retreat. Half an hour later some sixty Ger mans were standing about the strand ed locomotive when the boiler did the one tiling which Sergeant Robertson hoped for 'blew up. It had nil the effects of a 14-incb shell. Incidentally, Sergeant ltohcrtson is now wearing the croix de guerro. Yes, Indeed. "Ain't women queer !" writes Tar buckle, with more feeling than origi nality. "My wife said, the other day, 'Oh. dear, I wish we had a big, lovely house " "'What for?' I said, Just to humor her. " 'I'd like to give a party,' she an swered. " 'Have you such a bunch of friends it would give you pleasure to invite?' "'Y'-yes. I!ut such a lot that it would be heavenly not to invite '.' "Now how do you figure," concluded Tarbuckle, "that it is necessary to have a big house in order not to Invite a lot of people?" Easy. And If you don't understand a simple thing like that, T., there's no use explaining to you. Orphaned. "So your wife lias taken up golf, too?" "Yes, our children ure now golf orphans." Lots of wo nspeml half their time compliiltiitii; of life's brevity and the other half in trying to kill time. Cry For D COLT DISTEMPER You can r-rovent this loathsome di.fe f rnm running through your Miible n'l cure ml the rolls sutTeririfr wltn t X yon b.-rrm the tr almnt. No laalt. r how younft M'OII.VS Is safr to use on any roll. Ii is wonderful how It prevent a nil .list. -ropers, no mailer l.ow .-.!t "'"" it any ape are "exposed." Alt Kopd . '.V'n1 fronds houses and rniinufarturers sell Sl'OHN SS at 60 ccni and J1.15 n hotile. JC.r.O and J11.00 a dozen. bl'OU.V MEDICAL CO., CrMhcn, lad., V. S. A. iomach ions llallon. It is Hie rlirhl way lo he well and keep slionn Onllnary .... ill. Ire won't do any laMum fed. To.- l-t I hey can do is to unit up Jour alp. 1. 1 for awhile. A modern remedy makes II p..il''e to remove ci.-eM. acid w.lhoul tin I'SV st disromfort. It la .-alle.l I.A MJMI , In the form of pieaMinl i:.-H"K lal.lets. Th.-lr action in the stoma. I. is " ileal like a piece of lilolliou pal er ink-na up a Umi of ink -i hey literally absorb the Inlurloii" excess i.cld and lanj away ihrouKb the Intestloi. nrcln iisint; KAI'OMn rlHt " today aud fc-et on the r..l lo hoiitoluif. ig.irous. .braut health. Thousands upon EA'CIINK' are el.tliustasllc in IIH thousands or l.eooie vuw .!.- praise. Tliev say lliey oet.r urcam... that at.vthldg could bring Ihem sucB quick relief. BATONIC Is fully iruaraDteed. Tour rtrwglst will Klve you a l.ig hoi for only f.U rents Willi the iltslliicl iiul.rslaiiiln that if you ure ll"l pleased in every way. von get vour 50 reuts hack. If J on can t et KAl'ONK; wli.re you live- woo your uenie and a.l.lr.t.s; we wu. a-" yuu (if iv eeot twn ami .Votl .-an s.-o., .1.. r.i... !...,, von uel ll. Address Katotilc Ilomedy Co.. Gunlher L'idg . t'hi cago. 111. Pays to Hustle. ( "All things come to him who wait.""' "Seems to me, though, you'd ssie time' by going alter them." Louis ville Courier-Journal. i Any man who Is continually making a fool of himself must he a natural born ta otologist. Granulated Eycilda, Ftlea. Inflamed V.ym relieved over night by Roman Eye Botsara. One trial proves Iti merit. Adv. Opportunity ami varum lots- must he Improved to make them profitable. STOP LOSING CALVES Toucan Stamp Abortion Out of your herd sod Keep it Out Write for FREE BOOKLET, "Questions and Ansvrerf pertaining- to ABORTION la COWS" Answers every quest Iod. Treat your oko rattle at small expellee. Scud fur booklet now. State number of cattle in your herd. Br. OavK Kobirli' tet. Ct., 100 Grand tit.. WaDknhi.111!. fEvery Woman Wants FOR PERSONAL. HYGIENE Dissolved in water for douches stop pelvic catarrh, ulceration and inflam mation. Recommended by Lydia E. Pinkham Med. Co, for ten years, A healing wonder for natal catarrh, tore throat and aore ayes. Economical. Ha eitraarduiary cleaauoa and oennieklAl nawt. ISampUFre. 30c all druauuu, or mupud by Tl1jj?ca1on Tra'lt Company. Boelon. Mm. j Clear Yorar Skio WiiiiCuficiira All druggists: Sort 25, Ointment 25 & 50. lal cunt 25. Sample each. Tree ot luticuri. Dept. Ii. ttoaloo." rT3"'. . HAIR BALSAM i toiUt prprvioa f nwr Blp tc nulk'ftt dajhlruff. Muljr loCary r Faded Hah, tWi- fc1 $ tHlt tfiiyt' tt. Original Home of the Holsteins In Mich!n I'UeW K Seiiuo funu.MOaenM. Vt illaiaoaell b,a- ntut auuuiuu uuoia. an. n. a. aMa, aua aaaa. W. N. Uv FT. WAYNE, NO. 40191A.