El Paso herald., November 22, 1913, Week-End Edition, Section C, Page 8-C, Image 32

About El Paso herald. (El Paso, Tex.) 1901-1931

Image provided by: University of North Texas; Denton, TX

                
EL PASO HERALD
BG
Saturday, Nov. 22, 1913
UNCLE ASHDQD IS IMPEACHED
Old Salt Tells of the Blue Baboon Who Stole the Plum Duff, and
of Some of the Sixty-Two Reasons For His Own Im
peachment By the Crew of the Saliy Ann.
6X,TVPl" a&lA Uncle Aahded. They
y impeached me that voyage.
- The first mate and the second
mate or the Sally Ann thev impeached
me, and the whole ding crew Impeached
roe. an' all I says was 'Go ahead an
impeach till you're blue in the face,
I says."
"Impeached for lym' I reckon." said
Sim Perkins, in an undertone.
-What say"' inquired Uncle Ashdod.
putting his hand to his ear. "Yea, that" s
what I said I said Go ahead and im
peach till you're blue in the face,' not
xneanin' the baboon."
"Oh, you didn't mean the baboon?"
said Sam Perkins, sarcastically.
"No I didn't mean him," said Uncle
Ashdod. "because he was blue in the
Sace already. He was a bine faced
baboon. He was blue -faced by nature,
and nature meant him to be blue faced,
eo when be begun to fade out we got
She wash blue and blued him up again.
HTup. we made him Maer than ever."
"Thought you was tellin' me about
bein' impeached." said Sam Perkins.
-Maybe you wasn't. Maybe I ast yoa
how to color up baboons. Maybe t
thought som day Td have a baboon I'd
want to color up. Maybe you thought I
had in mind startin' a shop with a sign
bangin' out, 'Baboons' Faces Blued
"Stole the bag of peanuts, and jump cd onto the equator
W8W3 5fSL
' ' Q nflv
HCliEA'
JkX M. Map
By Ellis Parker Butler
While You Wait,' but I ain't thinkin of
no such nonsense."
"We was sailin" along at a good rate."
said Uncle Ashdod, paying no attention
t Sim Perkins, "and we mfght be goin
five miles a day. Maybe only four and
a half. Purty good goin' for up hill
sallin'. We'd been down nigh the South
Pole tryin to discover if there was
any South Polaks there. Thought may
be a cargo of South Polak cooks would
be a good thing to fetch home, but,
there wasn't none to fetch. So we ihad
it up hill all the way to the equator,
and the Sally Ann done her best, but
she couldn't do no better than five
miles a day up hill. Must have been a
long dry spell in that there torrid
zone, too. because when we got to the
equator she was clean out of water and
stretched as taut as a tow line."
"Glad they impeached ye!" said Sim
Perkins.
"Wa'n't nothin' to do." said Uncle
Ashdod placidly, "but wait for rain.
Couldn't hop the Sally Ann over that
equator and couldn't hist the equator
Op high enough to sail under, and it's
agin the law to chop an equator in two,
so we lust hooked the anchor on to
the equator and lay to waitin' for the
ocean to rise up to where it ought to
be. So along about 6 oclock that
evening "
"Thought they told time aboard ship
Every Garment Misst
1TTT-V 1177 1 . " . .
Witn Wngnt s system at your service it is very easy 10 aenve
a "new" look at all times. To obtain that look send them to
gasoline means an absolute elimination of any of the usual grit
or the
SHPOPAA
JtoI
Wfi
by bells." said Sim Perkins.
"They do so," said Uncle Ashdod, "at
all times except when a ship is an
chored onto the equator. That's the
fust thing a sea navigator learns. It's
in the green book with the picture of
Neptchoon on the cover. Page 27,
down towards the bottom of the page.
So' along about 6 oclock that evening
the cook comes runnln' forward. 'Un
cle Ashdod," she says, "no more cherry
pie on this ship.' 'Land o' goodness!
What you mean, Sophira? I asks her."
"Never heard of cherry pie on a
sailm' ship," said Sim Perkins. ,
"Neither did I. until that voyage,"
said Uncle Ashdod, "but a feller's liable
to hear most anything these days.
Plum duff Is what sailln' ships mostly
hands the crew for de-sert. Plum duff
was what 1 aimed to hand the crew
right along. Crew was keen for plums.
Just admired to sit an" pick the plums
out of Sophira's plum duff with a nut
pick. The way they done it was they
fust took a drill and drilled all around
the plum, and then they took a tack
lifter and pried the plum loose, and
then "
"Glad they impeached ye!" muttered
Sim Perkins. ,
"Se we had plum duff till we run out
of plums," said Uncle Ashdod, "and
that was whilst we were down nigh the
South Pole, and I tried my best to buy
some more plums from the South Po
and rnn away."
Be Fresh, Clean, Well
Wish te Use Will Look Like New if
Sanitary
1 i0m& o
t ' ..- J
lire or each garment both m appearance and wear through the
Wright's
Phone
laks, but they wouldn't sell me none."
"Thought there wasn't no South
Polaks," said Sim Perkins.
"There wa'n't," said Uncle Ashdod.
"That's why they wouldn't sell me no
plums. If there had been, and they
had had any plums, and I'd a had any
thing to buy plums with "
. "Durn glad they impeached ye!" said
Sim Perkins vindictively.
"What say?" asked uncle Ashdod.
"Oh! So, as I was sayin', when we run
out of plums Sophira she comes and
tells me so. 'That's bad," I says. 'What
w o-ot left for de-sertr 'Nothin' but
peanuts and plum duff dough.' she
says. 'AH right, Sophira,' I says, 'you
take that dough and you put peanuts
into it, and you call it cherry pie. The
first mate told me once he was spec
ially fond of cherry pie, so we might
as well call it that as anything. It
ain't goin' to be fit to eat anyway.' "No.
it ain't,' she says. So we called it cherry
pie, and things went along all right
until we cast anchor over the equator
and Sophira comes runnin' and says,
'No more cherry pie on this ship!' 'Land
q goodness! What you mean, Sophira?
I savs. Well, sir, she bust out cryin'."
."Think she would," said Sim Perkins.
"Think she'd have hysterics bein'
aboard a ship with a lot of crazy "
' 'Bah bab bab she says, 'baboon
stole the bab bab bag of peanuts,'
she savs, 'and jumped onto the equator
and run away.' Well, I seen right off
we couldn't have no more cherry pie
without peanuts "
"What in tunket are you talkin'
about, anyway?" asked Sim Perkins
with exasperation. "Sounds like plumb
nonsense to me."
"It is." said Uncle Ashdoa. "It's the
story of how I come to be impeached.
Can't expect no common landsman to
understand about an impeachment. But
that crew understood about It. There
was two of them crewmen that hadn't
ever murdered anyhow "
"Only two?" asked Sim Perkins.
"Xo, we hadn't none of us murdered
anvbodv." ' said Uncle Ashdod. "But
them particular two hadn't murdered I
a lot more men than we hadn't muryl
riprwi. I hadn t murdered one man, ana
the first mate hadn't murdered two
men. but them two 'crewmen hadn't
murdered over a thousand men apiece.
So the crew picked out them two to
imneach me. They impeached me for
62 reasons. Some of them reasons
was Namely, because my granamotner
never fought in the Revolutionary war;
namely, because there wasn't plums
enough to last out; namely, because
a blue faced baboon can walk the
equator; namely, peanuts ain't cherries,
namely, wbody ain't been impeached
on this here ship for a long while:
namely, and so forth. But the most
namely on$ of the whole lot was
Namely, there's more of us than there
is of you. So I seen it looked bad for
me. There's a lot of very namely rea
jons a feller can wiggle out from un
der but a blue faced baboon couldn't
wiggle out from under a namely, there's
more of us than there is of you. That's
n. dinged serious crime."
"I hope they hung you," said Sim
Perkins softly.
"So w had a real nice trial," con
y???7Z7te
Dern glad they impeached yej"
Pressed. Coats, Overcoats, Suits, Furs,
Dry
1.1 ' 1 Cl L
tne maximum Deneui irom eacn go wii aiiu uresi. loue wen giuumeu your ciouies mu&i nave
us as soon as they show signs of wear. Wright's system of cleaning clothes with distilled
and grease found in gasoline. With our method of employing this system it means a renewal
CH jp
343 aad Wagon. Will
tinued Uncle Ashdod. "The bosun was
a long haired astrologer, he was, and
he testified to everything that ever
happened in my past, present, and fu
ture He testified out of leaves in a
teacup, and out of the zodiac, and out
of a pack of playin cards, and he was
a fut-clsss testifier. Sophira was
judge, and all she could say was, 'No
more plums. No more plums!" was
what she said, and nobody said noth
ing but 'No more plums," except the
bosun, and he kept testifyin' by the
day and by the week. He testified out
of the lines on his palm and out of
a crystal ball. He testified that in
1342 come the seventh of October, I
was'goin' to marry a. ark lady with
six children. So they impeached me.
The verdict was 'No more plums.' "
"There ain't no sense into it," said
Sim Perkins.
"So I told 'em," said Uncle Ashdod.
"I says them very words. I said: 'I'm
a hard handed old son of a sea cook,
fellers, and you can impeach until you
are blue in the face, but 'No more
plums' ain't no kind of a verdict to
impeach a feller oh.' So they changed
it. Thev changed it to 'Guilty of bein'
guilty 'Of what h'e pfUllty of.' 'What's
thatr I says. 'Translated into United
States,' says Sophira, it means us is
more numerous than you.' 'All right.'
I says; 'that satisfies me. That's a
good, clean verdict, like what ought
to be brung .in an impeachment trial.
Nobody can't kick at that. I plead guilty
of minority in the first degree.'"
"And they hung your' asked Per
kins, eagerly.
"Yup!" said Uncle Ashdod. "Hung me
to the equator. I'd 'a been dead in no
time if they'd left my shoes on me. I
got a good strong neck and I can stand
considerable hangin", one day with an
other, but when a hangin' gets to be a
permanent thing like that was it's lia
ble to kill a feller sooner or later. If
they'd left my shoes on I'd have- been
dead in a week or two; But them
porpoise fins " . l -
."I knew it!" said Sim Perkins. I
knew soraetbin' was 'goin "to spoil my
fun. Porpoise fins!"
"Them porpoises in the water with
their fins stickin' up tickled the soles
of my bare feet so-bad I couldn't stand
it," said Uncle Ashdod. "I tried to
stand it and get hung in a manner to
please all, but I'm right down ticklish,
and when them porpoise fins tickled my
feet I hitched my knees over tne equa
tor and just swung there. So I never
was1 hung."
"I suppose you're hangin there yet,
said Sim Perkins, sarcastically.
"Why, no. I ain't," said Uncle Ashdod.
"If I told you that, I'd be tell'n" what
ain't true. It started in to rain and.
the dry spell ended and the ocean rlz
and I was drowned to death."
"Well." said Sim Perkins. "It's an
easy death, but I guess I've got to be
satisfied with it. You might have got
off alive." Copyright. 1913. by the
ilcClure Newspaper Syndicate.
The ordinary cost or a Want Ad in
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said Sim Perkins vindictively.
Sent to us for
t
' " ' ' ' n'ww'Bmiiii ii y --vrfr r m
eanlrij
1 J "T- 1 11
complete removal or all grease
Call
t
Of course you will have a Thanksgiving Dinner
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Look in our window, and clon't forget the "New
Card Index Recipes.
Cuirran's Book Store
108 Mesa
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