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9 1 yii HE'S AT HOME ANYWHERE. In England He Drops His H's. In France, "Vive La Gloire!" In Germany, Noch Ein!" In Italy, "Three a Nick! This Is Home." A. Letter Depew Once Received. Where the Similarity Came In. "Hoch! He Feels a Joke Coming. CHAUNCEY M. (for MITCHELL) DEPEWhas been United States Senator, president of the New York Centra!, head of a great Insurance company, and a number ofother big things, but probably no one ever In terviewed him without asking, at one point or another of the conference, "Have you got any new ones?" His biographer will lay stress upon his ability as a financier, politician, campaigner, diplomat, but he is more popularly known to-day as a raconteur, which Is natural enough, since the average person would rather hear a funny story than a list of liabilities or a campaign speech and will remember it longer. Depew has a delicious sense of humor and delights ft indulge himself in it. Maybe that's what keeps him feel ing so young. "Forlorn is the man who can't crack a joke," declares Mr Depew, "and more miserable is he who can't laugh at one. "Man must laugh if he wants to be happy. It doesn't cost anything, and H helps him get over the rough places with an even temper. "The newspapers are sometimes kind enough to call my stories 'chestnuts,' but that is a libel. In reality, I never tell the same story twice. But when they reprint one of my stones a score of times, and circulate U all over the country then, I admit, it becomes a chestnut. "Sometimes they're trucirand when they're not exactly true to fact they're true to first principles In human nature. I have a great trick of observing men and women, in the cars and everywhere else, and receive numberless Httle suggestions which become the germs of stones. . "The most important requirement for the fompleteo story is art unexpected climax, and sometimes it is neces sary to take a story at the last moment and dress It with a touch of local color to suit the occasion." rrjTS been dining and tweaking " for year near a toore: Me ha nmied the chetinut. Evicted ifte tore Xo tmhte't without him So dinner complete; The fim ahoeyc waits mi he gets on his feet. Making all men Ms friends Without teeming to try, Warn he pray frith the fieut. Vow drinkt with the dry. i Alwajrt tweet a the daisy And fresh at the dew, Jfo ftg ever lighted Oit Chauncey Depew. "IKE" BROVLST. More Short and to the Point. AT the time that Depew was president of the New York Central be attended a banquet at which, of course, he was one of the speakers. When the time came for him tc V called upon be arose and prefaced his remarks by solemnly reading a letter which ran something like this: Mv Dear Mr. Depew I have just read one of your very amus ir'g speeches delivered at tbe end of one of those sumptuous banquets you attend. I am wondering what sort of a speech you would deliver after eating at the lunch counter at your station out here in Old Bend, 111." Like Lot's Wife. ONE day not long ago I met a soldier who bad been wounded in the face. He was a Union man, and I aBked -him in which battle he had been injured. In the last battle of Bull Run, sir," he replied. But how could you get hit in the face at Bull Run?" I asked. -Well, sir," said the man, half apologetically, "after I had run a mile or two I got careless and looked back.' DEAR MR. DEPEW We are getting up a negro minstrel show for the purpose jf buying a set of colored dishes for the Baptist Church. We are to have four end men, two of whom are women, and one in terlo you know who I mean (I can't spell it), who sits in the middle. We need a lot of new and decent jokes, so as not to shock. There are lots of old women in our church. Won't you sit down and write us about fifty good new jokes; some things tnat have jever been used before? Make them "split ters," as this show is for a new set of dishes for the Baptist Church. Please grind them out as soon as possible, and send them to aie. P. S. We will put on the programme: "All these original jokes were made up by Chauncey Depew." That will pay you for tie work. A Comeback. THIS is alleged to be one' of the Jokes totd at one ef the late Tim Sullivan's Albany feeds; "Dry Dollar" went into Chauncey M. Depew's office reeeUy, aad Senator Depew greeted him. "Well, Tim, you are looking real prosperous." he safcL "You must be having a profitable season at Albany." "Oh, yes. Senator," replied Tim, "I can't complain." "Well, now tell me, Tim," said Depew, "are those stories true about all this crooked business in the Legislature?" "On the dead leTel, Senator," was Tim's answer, "now. Ill tell you. The only crocked thing up there this "Winter was your ejec tion as United States Senator." Took Him Seriously. MR. DEPEW says the funniest incident that ever occurred in hig political campaigns was in Jefferson County when the late Roewell P. Flower was running for Governor on the Deme cratic ticket. Mr. Depew, in his speech, made the point that Mr. Flower was always holding office and, notwithstanding the fact that he called himself a business man, had occupied some offi cial position almost continuously ever since he was old enough to vote "Why," exclaimed lir. Depew, "everybody knows that he came over with the Pilgrims in the Mayflower, and that before he tended he sent ashore his application for appointment as a policeman in the City of New York, and announced himself a candidate for alderman before he got his naturalization papers." "That's a d lie!" cried a farmer-looking man who arose in the centre of the audience. "I have known Roswell Flower all my life and I say he did no such thing." The Clerk Who Got Caught. HERE is a typical Depew story, and Us author is particularly fond of this offspring, born as It was under sunny skies and rehabilitated to point a moral in one of the Senator's famous political speeches: "Last time I was travelling in the South I had to put up over night at a second-rate hotel in Western Georgia. I said to the clerk when I entered: 'Where shall I autograph?' "Autograph? said the clerk. " "Yes; sign my name, you know. " 'Oh, right here.' As I was signing my name in the register. In came three roughly clothed, unshorn follows immediately recognizable as Georgia Crackers. One of the men advanced to the desk. . ") "Will you autograph?" asked the clerk, his face aglow with the pleasure that comes from the consciousness of Intellectual superiority. " 'Certainly,' said the Georgia Cracker, his face no lees radiant than that of the clerk; 'mine's rye.' "There was no escape for the clerk and he treated with as good grace as he could command under the circumstances. Next rooming I said to him: "That was too bad. the way you got caught last night' '"Well, I suppose I shouldn't complain. he replied; 'but the next time I speak a foreign language In my own country 111 know what I'm talking about." The Woodchuck Story. One About Ingersoll. IX St Paul's Cathedral rests the sarcophagus which contains the remains of the Duke of Wellington. I asked the guide mere if he remembered "Bob" Ingersoll. He said that he did. and that Mr. Ingersoll was a great man. When "Bob" was there not long before the guide said to him: Sir, this is holy ground " Why so'" asked "Bob." not feeling at home. Because." said the guide, "that is the monument of the duke." What duXe?' said "Bob," "all the dukes are my intimate friends " "The Great Duke, the Ir-ron Duke." replied the unsuspect ing guide, "the Duke ef WelHogtoa. "WSe placed his body in an Irron coffin and around that we molded seven lead coffins, and vte placed him in that block of gray granite which weighs thirty tons, and upon that we placed that other block which weighs twenty-five tons." ' Bob" gave the guide a whack on the back that sent him balf-nav across the 'room and shouted: "Old man, you've got him! If he ever gets away, cable at mj expense to R. G- Ingersoll, Peoria, Hiinols." r illustrate the position of one of the great national parties during a campaign noted for Its fiery partisanship, Mr. Depew tells this story of the youthful politician and the wood chuck: "The Cuter in one of the smaller schools near my native town of PeekBklll had drilled a number of his brightest scholars in tbe history of contemporary politics, and to test both their faith and their knowledge he called upon three of them oue day and demanded a declaration of personal political principles: " 'You are a Republican, Tom, are you not?' '"Yes. sir.' " 'And, Bill, you are a Prohibitionist, I believe?' '"I am, sir.' "'And, Jim, you are a Democrat?' "Yes. sir.' " 'Weil, now, the one of you that can give me the beet reason why ho belongs to his party can have this woodchuck which I caught on my way to school this morning.' "'I am a Republican,' said the first boy. 'because the Republi can party saved the country in the war and abolished slavery.' "'And. Bill, why are you a Prohibitionist?' "'I'm a Prohlbit'onist, rattled off the youth, 'because rum is the country's greatest enemy and the cause of our overcrowded prisons and poorhousos.' " "'Excellent reasons. Bill,' remarked the tutor encouragingly. 'Now, way are you a Democrat, Jim?' "'Well, sir.' was the slow reply, 'I am a Democrat bocauBC 1 want that woohu'k. "And he got it. too," added Mr. Depew. Good Opportunity to Learn. JF you are married you -will have just as much time as if you were "single if you know how to find tt. Your wife win give you plenty of tima waijlng for her. Don't fret and fume during this interim read. I have known men to pick up a liberal edu cation reading while waiting for their wives to go out. AS a back-handed slap at a well-known member of Congress who is too food of looking upon, the wine when It is ant lined, Mr. Depew tells this anecdote: "The member of Congress was being shaved by an aged colored barber in Wash ington. The shop was a favorite one with the prominent men of the Capital, and the old darky who presided over It often boasted that he had shaved every great statesman since the Madison Administra tion, which may or may not have been true. The member of Congress referred to was being shaved by the veteran one day when he said to tbe latter: '"Uncle, you must have shaved many fa mous men?' "'Oh, yes, sah; I has indeed.' "'And a great many of those famous per sonages must have sat in this very chair where I am sitting, eh?' "'Dat's right, sah. An" I'se je' been a notlcln' a mighty cur'us similarity between yo' and Dan'el Webster, sah.' "'You don't say!' exclaimed the highly de lighted law-maker. Is it my 'face? "'Oh. no, sah. Taln't daU' "'Is it my manner?' j ""No, boss, 'tain't yore manner, nudder; hit's yore breff.'" The Usual Compromise. IX bis law practise Lincoln discouraged his neighbors who wished to go to law. One day a farmer drove la to get a divorce He had built a frame bouse and wished ft painted white. His wife wanted it brown. There had been aa argument and then there had been trouble. Mr. Lincoln said to him: "You have not lived with this woman all these years without leaning that there is such a thing as a compromise. Go back home; think no more of this divorce for a month. Then come to me again." In a month the farmer returned. "Mr. Lincoln," said he. "we have agreed on a compromise. We are going to have the house painted brown." ' Judge Howland on Depew. I C pHAUNCEY DEPEW." said Judge Howland. "has at last con v fessed that his chestnuts are a backyard production. We all know the characteristics of things that are found in back yards. They are usually decayed and worm-eaten. They make good fertilizer. As he says, I have found them useful in the cul tivation of exotics. I never look too closely into the history of the good things I jise. I feel like the woman who was asked if she did not boil the Croton water nowadays to kill the microbes. 'So.' she said. 'I'd rather be an aquarium than a morgue.' " . bbbbbbp3bBi jiSr ESHymnw j x. nnnnnw&inWMnMMmttht . -jr-m&r- w HsmiN-w ''fc&0 . r A Campaign Lie. 1HAD an illustration during a campaign that the most Innocent , minds may be misinterpreted, and neither truth nor facts can properly prevail during a presidential canvass. Even the rivalries of the great heroes of the naval war become political rimonies. , When at CobleskiU I was endeavoring to calm the rioters by one process and another, all of which failed, I finally said, "You are trying to break up this meeting and suppress free speech by the weapon with which Samson slew the Philistines." Instantly a fine specimen of Schoharie antedeluviaa shouted. "That's an other campaign lie! It was not Samson that licked the Philis tines; It was Dewey." When Depew Had to Pretend. WHILE riding one day in the cars a citiaen took half of the seat which I occupied and said "Senator, do you remem ber my riding with you on the Hudson River Railroad in 1870?" It was just before an ""election, and I said I did. Said he: "Do you remember my telling you that I had shipped several thou sand barrels of apples to England?" I said, "Yes." "And that the one subject which has been occupying my mind for thirty years was what was the result of that venture? Well," he said, "I lost my apples." Depew Caught Telling an Old One. CHAUNCEY DEPEW, doesn't like at least one man In Buffalo. And this is how it happened. It was at a dinner. Mr. Depew had been called upon for a speech, and he responded by telling a story. "Senator Evarts." said the great raconteur, "bought a farm up in Vermont recently and took his family there to spend the Sum mer. Mr. Evarts managed to visit the folks about once a week, but business made it necessary for him to live in New, York. Among the aopurtenaaces appertaining to the farm was a don key, which soon became a great pet with the young folks. "Not long ago Mr. Evarts was startled by the receipt of a telegram from home. It was from his youngest daughter. 'Dear papa,' she said, 'something ails the donkey. I'm afraid he Is sick. He keeps hee-hawing all the time and seems to be very "onescne. Please come home ' " , After the laughter which followed Mr. Depew's recital had sub sided the Buffalo man got up and said. "Thau as Abraham Lhfcoln used to say, reminds me of a story which I heard some years ago. Senator Evarts had bought a farm down in Vermont and took his family there to spend the Summer. Among the appurtenances appertaining to the place was a donkey, which soon became a great pet" Tbe guests smiled broadly as be began, and when he bad fin ished the same story that had been told by Mr. Depew they applauded and declared that it was a good joke. But Mr. Depew. according to the statement of one who relates the Incident, felt that he bad been insulted, and when be was reminded that tbe Buffalo man was as deaf as a post and hadn't heard a word that had been said, the gentleman who had been chosen to help rep resent New York in the Senate only seemed to feel more ag grieved. Decidedly Non-Committal. TO a question tbe Senator once wished to sidestep he le-raarked: I am like the Michigan lumberman who replied to an ember- Pilots (e WtnittWeydel, He Laughs "From the Heart Out." rassing question, 'I don't know aothin', and I eeeHal swear that I know that' " Taken Literally. DEPEW engaged a new office boy. Said Mr. Depew: "Who carried oS my paper basket?" "It was Mr. Retlly," said the boy. "Who is Mr. Reilly?" asked Mr. Depew. "The janitor, sir." An hoar later Mr. Depew asked: "Jemraie, who opened that window?" "Mr. Lantx, sir "And who is Mr. Laatz?" "The window cleaner, sir." Mr. Depew wheeled about and looked at the bay. "See here. James, we call men by their first Basses here. We deal "arister them, in this office. Do you understand?' "Yes, sir." Id ten minutes the door opened and a small, sfcilHvofee said: "There's a man here as wants to see 3fou, Chaascey." w m Depew Wasn't in a Hurry. SENATOR DEPEW was leaving the FreaWeaf s affiee oae day whea a venerable, white-haired, preaeher 'from the West stopped hira at the door and shook Ms hand. "I'm glad to meet you again." exclaimed the Senator, cordially. "I treat to meet you. in heaven," exclaimed the preacher, as he reluctantly let go of Depew's hand. "I hope it will be a long time before you go. and stiH longer jefore we meet there, sir," replied the Senator. Like Old Times. A FRIEND of mine, stopping recently at a Wasfetagba hotel, sat beside a bride who had been a widow, and oa her first wedding journey had stayed at the same ion. She said: "John, pass me the butter." The Bridegroom Indignantly replied: "My name is sot John, it te Charles" She said: "Excuse my mistake, Charles," and then, tasting the butter, added reflectively. "But ft is the same butter." W More Than Her Share. rHILE la Peek-skill I west to call oa two eld friends, a widow and a maiden lady. Said the widow: "Well, I married whea I was suite young. My husband died aad I had him cremated. In about two years I married again: he died and I had him cremated. I married a tfcfrd time and lived to ereaate him." "Ah." answered the maiden lady, "wonderful are the ways of Providence. Here I've lived all these yean and never have been able to be married to oae. aad you're had husbaads to burn. Strange Story. THERE is an old story of a lawyer named Strange aad Ids wife having a conference as to the things he wished doae after he had departed this life. "I want a headstone pu. over me, my dear," said the lawyer, "with the simple inscription: 'Her nee an hoaeat lawyer.'" The wife expressed surprise that he did not wish Ms name put oa the headstone. "It will not be needful." he responded, "for those who pass by and read that inecriptioa will invariably remark: That's Strange.' " One of Depew's Coffee Coolers. A TEMPERANCE lecturer was caught by a disciple after he retired taking a hot whiskey punch. Said bis shocked follower: "I thought you were a total abstainer?" "So I am." said tbe lecturer, "bat not a bigoted one." Took It Seriously. Copyright, 1513. bj tbe Star Company. Ureat Britain itigbts Reserved. rE English are a methodical, plain and straightforward peo ple. Sometimes American humor Is not clear to them. I remember see thing connection with a trip 1 made abroad a time. I was invited te attend a dinner given by a medical society. I was caned upon for a speech, and in the course of my talk I id that I knew a woman who lhed on I.cng Island and ate so many clams that her waist rose and fell with the tide. The jeke did not seem to take, but I lived through it Sosaetiate afterward, in looking through an English medical journal. I saw this story reprinted and stated as a pa:hotogfcal fact .