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FEBRUARY 14, 1907
THE NEBRASKA INDEPENDENT 15 The Original Dominic Had a Triple Plated Snap. Count Up What He Ducked by Getting Away 150 Years Ago. By George Ade. One of the first Novels written in solid English, as distinguished from the American Imitation with the Ve neer coating, was by Oliver Goldsmith, and it was all about what happened to the Preacher. This was a long time ago, before F. Marion Crawford begun turning them out on his Lathe. There were no Department Stores in those days, and the Bright Young Man who was troubled by Inspirations had to go some in order to establish him self as a Popular "Writer. The Author succeeded in giving away a good many Autograph Copies to sen timental Friends, who said they would prize the Volume ever so much more if they didn't have to go out and buy it. But when he collected Royalties he never had to Iwrrow any Wheelbarrow in order to get the Stuff over to the Bank. After he died and the Copyright ex pired and his Heirs could not claim a Rake-Off, nearly everybody on Earth began reading "the book and they have been at It ever since. As soon as a Copy gets so tear stained that the Lines are blurred and tho Pages all gummed together, tho Owner goes and gets a fresh one for about 20 cents and starts in to. churn up his Emotions some more. All of which goes to prove that a Preacher who has been dead 160 years hasn't an Enemy in the World. At the time the Book was written, the Minister playing in a Minor League was known as a Vicar. Now he is known as a good many Things, espe cially if he dabbles in Politics. The Vicar got many a Jolt. After or ganizing a large and hungry Family, he awoke one morning to learn that the Friend who had arranged to let him In on the Ground Floor of a Ban ner Proposition was about to file a Pe tition in Bankruptcy. Liabilities, 82.000 pounds; Assets, two Suits of Clothes, a Cameo King and a Hot-Water Bag. It is a blessed provision of Nature that nearly every Man who loses his Wad has a fine bunch of Children that are quite beyond the reach of Greedy Creditors. We cannot learn from a careful study of approved Fiction that any old Batch ever went broke. He is lonesome enough, goodness knows, and a very Melancholy Figure along about Christmas Time, but he always has n bundle of Money that you couldn't push through a Door. After being trimmed, the Vicar and his Family were kept close to the Car pet. The Book devotes a good many Pages to telling how they were happy, even though they seldom had one Dollar to rub against another. In fact, the Story leads us to believe that those who have no Velvet are seldom led into Temptation. We know, however, that the Vicar and his devoted Missus and the as sorted Mock of Young Folks did not miss a great deal by being hard up. They lived in the quiet, old-fashioned Days, when u .little Gooseberry Wine and Family Prayers made a hot Com bination with which to fill in a Ions Evening. Suppose the Vicar had stood in with some Harriman of that period and had succeeded in getting one of those large, elegant, dropsical Fortunes the kind that every American Citizen is roast ing and trying his blamedest to get hold of. Could he have got any Action for his Money? Not so you could have no ticed it. Why grieve over the Hard Luck Story of a Household that was on deck long before people had learned how to roll their Money? Nowadays the Lady of the House who is on her Uppers picks up the bargain sheet of the Sunday Paper and sees the Pictures of 1,000,000 things that she wants to buy and can't. In 17T0 the woman who was flat had nothing to worry her. The family across the strict did not have any Electric Runabout or a Talking Ma chine in the Front Room which you could bear a Mile away whtn all the windows were open. Nobody was expected to pile JS00 worth of American Beauty Bases in tho center of the Table every lime a few Friends came in to break Bread. The $S-a-da Seaside Hotel, the Winter Trip to Florida with a car load i f Trunk and the Private Golf Link were u f. w of the Modern Ne cessities that Father Time was hold Int,' up his Slee a ; u glad soirprise for a lattr G nerniini). The Vicar of Wakefield's name wan Doctor Primrose, but he win not re lated to th celebrated Primrose, al though b'tth wire In the name lane of Work. That K they bad to nik Rood bv -teiiur otr on a Platform, Gtorge got the Coin and Doctor Primrose nr rivi at the 1'tn.tl Chapter with a Ch.tr '! cli tire and hit ahmit fi'iih Fuel in the c mr to lat hltu to the lt of th Month. But he knew he had been on the Level, and so he must have been Happy, for John D. says that those who try to fret it and fall down often derive a lot of Consolation from the Knowledge they have been Unspotted. The Moral of this is don t let any one Spot you. But twke this world-renowned story of Doctor Primrose, up one side and down the other, and it is a Tame Af fair compared with the adventures of a real busy Pastor of the New School. There was a time when every little Lad who was rale and had translu cent Ears and preferred doing the Herring-Bone Stitch to getting out and playing Three-Old-Cat was supposed to be a likely candidate for the Pul pit. Nowadays the Bishop of the Diocese is on the lookout for burly youag Col legians who can stand off the World and the Devil with the Left while lift ing a Church Debt with the Right Any young Theolog who moves into a Parsonage and undertakes the Con tract of herding and subduing a high geared and strong-minded Congrega tion certainly has his own Troubles spread out in front of him like a Hotel Dinner. In the old days the Flock took any Shepherd that wandered into the Pas ture and allowed him to feed them from the Spoon, and swallowed every thing and had to like it. Now the Main Performer has to do a few Trial Heats, while they hold the Clock on him before they Sign him. Church Members have asserted their Rights as Employers and now belong to the Missouri Family. They sit back in their padded Parquet Chairs and say to the bright young Entertainer jurt out of College, "Come on and show Us." If he fails to deliver the Goods, they give him the Gate and send off to the Works for another Sample. But if he is as handsome as E. IT. Sotheru and can make the Women cry and his Clothes fit him in the Back and he has no dangerous Views con flicting with the Opinions of the Pew holders, he may have a fair Chance of going right to work at a Salary one third as large as that of a Pittsburg Puddler and somewhat in excess of that commanded by a high-class Farm Hand. Having entered upon his Career, he is just as safe any Minute as the man who strolls through a Powder Maga zine smoking a cigaroot. In order to retain the Meal Ticket he merely has to talk like Beveiidge, be a diplomat of the John Hay va riety, do the Social Act with the grace and dignity of our old fnend Harry Jx-hr and swing the Finances with the keen and masterly Insight of Sec. Shaw, Captain of the Wall Street Life Saving Crew. Talk about old Doctor Primrose hav ing experiences! Did he ever have to discuss Evolu tion in such a manner that he would not contradict Science, and yet would satisfy the old-timers who believed that the World was begun out of Noth ing one Monday Morning and had Parks, Driveways, Subdivisions and a few Early Settlers the following Sat urday Afternoon? Did the original Vicar of Wakefield ever have to do a Balancing Act be tween the Progressive faction, which believes that the Lower Regions con stitute a Figure of Speech, and th old rock-ribber Wing, that wants every Sermon served up hot with Blue Flames around it, the same as a Rum Omelette? It was Fine Business for the Vicar of Wakefield to regulate his Parish, because whatever he said. Went. His humble Followers were not flirting with a lot of outside Cults and tlun coming to Church every Sunday Morning, loaded to the Gunwales with new and startling Theories, and Just aching for a chance to trip up tho Minister and make him out cither a Hen tic or a howling Ignoramus. This year's preacher is supposed to have positive View on the subject of Alcoholic Nourishment. Some of the Polks in front believe that the act of absorbing a Scotch Itiglibull conns under the same Cate gory as hitting a Crippled Child In the bead with an Ax. Others, constituting what Is known n the l.iiMial Element, are known to keep it In the Cellar, after having It deli vend to the House In u Grocery Waifon. They ure agin the Liquor Tim Hie, but they wi no barm In a Dutch Lumh with wet trimming. Now nil that Pi km! Minister ban to do In dlHcufxhiK the lrlnU Evil h to be rabid flUiUgh to plcUMi h Ab ytaiiiciM and yet imt drlv nwny from I he Fold those who e no harto. In a home-grown Thlmt. If bo frhottM a ftolkttomc deposition to mingle with the Young People and cut into their outdoor Sports and try to look more like a Commercial Sales man than an Undertaker, so as to re move the impression that he is hide bound, it is dollars to doughnuts that some venerable old Dodo who manages a Vinegar Refinery will tile Charges against him and that a grand cluster of petrified Elders will try him on tho heinous charge of being Worldly. Of course In every Municipal Cam paign he must stand up and tight for Civic Righteousness and the Rights of the Tax-Payers and 'Sunday Closing and eveiy other Movement that bears the Reform Tag, and then the Finan cial Heavyweight who Is one of the Mainstays of the Church and hopes to get a few lovely Franchises out of the City Council will fall on Mr. Preacher like a Horse on a Butterfly and try to have him transferred to some other Point of Usefulness. If he remains Single he cannot hold the gloved Hand of any young Sister for 1-IOflth of h Second withm.it hav ing the cold eye of Suspicion glued upon him. If he marries and Wifcy does not happen to be that matchless combina tion of Saint and Society Queen that every one thinks she might to be, the Sewing Circle slops working on Pa jamas for the Hindoos and becomes a grand little Anvil Chorus. The Vicar of Wakefield should be overhauled if we are to get the true inside history of what happens to the Preacher. After he has bumped the Bumps for many Years and crippled himself Jumping sideways to avoid Unfortu I Henry Vatterson in Europe. The Isolation In which nature and destiny enveloped Hispuniola from the earliest times, has, in -pile of modern progress and development, clung to the Spanish character. It is suspicious, sensitive and self-contained. The bloody-mlndedness which we associate with the Latin is nowhere visible. The typical Spaniard is not in the least ag gressive. His anger is not hysterica), like that of the French. It burns to u white heat. His dignity is both (sol emn and gentle. In spite of a grand air and manner he is as Ignorant, and, it may be added, as independent a a woodsawyer. If you do not like his ways you need not adopt them; you are free to go as you came. And this is equally true of the aristocrat and the beggar. They press nothing upon you; but it is their opinion that there is nothing on earth quite to compare with the people and the things of Spain. Hence there Is no nuvement. Here in Barcelona there may be seen a cer tain material expansion. The city has grown and is growing apace. Around the old feudal walls and towers a Euro pean metropolis has grouped itself somehow, extending from the quaint plazas and queer defiles lying along the shore line to the scattered oriental ism of the suburbs, making a fantastic conglomeration of the past and pres ent, sometimes squalid and sometimes resplendent, but always pleasant, pic turesque and appealing. Two or three old families have amassed great fortune to recoup the Ioskcs Incident to the slipping away of the colonies. The Carnegiea and thts Rockefellers of Barcelona, however, are nouveaux riches. Catalonia, they tell you, and truly enough, is not Castile, The Catalans, Indeed, are the Yankees of Spain. The newspapers uf Barcelona contain very good reports of Spanish happen ings; the opt rations on tie- Eur ii can bourses; special dispatcher from Ma drid and Seville, Grenada and Malaga; outside of Spain and the Uh k markets only the merest bulletins of the most Important events. The decorum of the Spanish woman Is everywhere noticeable ami notable. In the streets of Bariclona, luiihvr by night nor day, Is the cypriane In evi dence. In the cafes chantants tin re in pone of the Impudent xolicitaUoii common in Paris. The little AndiUuiian serving maids are nn.de-t to a degree, taking hot milk in tiny mugs when tiny are invited to drink, polite to the point of neml-afft cti.n, but imt ohtrux K . Many .f tin m a--, osueiin ly pH lly. Even the pel 'lTllli ix. (he nunc, era, tambourine ptuvcrx. Id,, ctstaii.t Mlngci and UJiad ln-. is ,u k tit bruerinesii and the Ida re of the p.iii. mil demi-mi nd.ilne, Vulgarity, i pt from Fr-nch "artNt.." U unknown to th' Spanish Huge, Cnnnccwd with one of the pili,it,n vaudevlll place I it buffi t, u kind of gr n room. to whbh the idiot .tu i. twtiftirn ptuntu, )mc uci ii, Un,j hrt nate Complications, and his Pipes are worn out, and he no longer floats down the Aisle on Sunday morning dressed uj like a Horse and Buggy, but begins to be a little old ami careless and slouchy, and keeps on handing out the same old Specialty, Instead of writing in a lot of new Gags, with Light Effects and Popular Songs, he will be mighty lucky if the Congrega tion does not suddenly discover up in Northflcld, Mass., or out in Blooming ton, ill., some Child Wonder with a Voice like a Bell and a whole lot of New Talk, and the good old Veteran will be expected to pack up the $200 worth of Household Goods that he has saved out of his Salary in loss than 28 Years, and brush by without any Back Talk. On the other hand, if he makes a Ten Strike and is reported in the Newspapers, much to the horror of those who believe that a Sermon should consist very largely of an explanation of what is meant by those parts of the Old Testament that, p on under stands, and gets a Call to a metropolis where the Salary is so large that he will be up in the same Class witli In surance Agents and Veterinary Sur geons, you may rest assured that th Ilai poonists will get after him good and plenty for being actuated, by Mer cenary Motives. Oliver Goldsmith was a Nice Man, but what he didn't know about some of the new Deals that have been fixed up for the gentle Minister of tlie Gos pel would make a Book four times us big ai? the stingy little Volume that ho wrote. (Copyright, 1007, by George Ade.) they, may be seen at close range by such of the public as may he willing to pay an exceedingly stiff charge. Even here there is perfect propriety of behavior; no noise or rollicking. Tho young officers of the garrison are lib eral patrons and any night of the week Don Jose may be seen in a cosy corner of this annex drinking a glass of Mus catel with his Carmen. Now and then there are tragedies. Only a fortnight ago a young soldier of good family blew his brains out after squandering his all upon a fair, absconding Dulcinea. The manager told me he thought it "most inconsiderate." Duels occasionally vary the monotony of the romance, which, however, does not much differ here from the rest of the world, only dark eyes and red pet ticoats give it a costume and an air wanting to the more prosaic north. No such force us public opinion is known in Spain. The upper clauses don't care. The lower classes don't know. There is little enterprise. Bar celona ought to be the greatest winter resort in the world. Its winter climate is equaled nowhere in Europe. Whilst they are shivering along the Riviera from Toulon to Genoa, influenza raging at. Nice and Cannes, Mor.te Carlo Itself enveloped by snow and Ice. we are living out of doors in perpetual sun shine. if the government could be induced to grant some hotel and casino con cessions, a company might build on some one of the commanding sites overlooking the city a palace like that of Cimicz. which would quickly divert the tide of travel and society, for here is not only climate but a brilliant and beautiful city of a million of people, with Its many allurements and lux uries. But, the government wants both UOQQC COLLAR9 D D ASKYOOK MaurtoSHOV T OlfORt YOU OUV. 1 tAsufACTUttO ? HARPIIAM BR0S.C0, Lincoln. Ned.