Dodging Trouble.
Mias Blgmltt, the Stenog—Did yon
fire me jUBt ’cause I misspell a few
words now an’ then an’ sometimes get
balled up In ray notes?'
Mr. Littleton —By no means. You see
I have an unreasonably jealous wife -
and she won’t allow me to keep a pret
ty young stenographer In my office.
Looking on tho Bright Side.
After the ways and means commit
tee had been compelled to leave tts
old quarters and go over to.a new
House of Representatives office build
ing some of his . friends were sympa
thizing with Champ Clark.
“It might have been worse. Champ,"
they said. “Cheer up. Pretty soon
they will have the electric cars run
ning in the subway and then you can
ride over.”
“Yes.” replied Clark. "It might
have been worse. Reminds me of an
Irishman I knew down in St. Louts
who had both of his legs cut off by a
l-allroad train. ‘It might have been
worse, Mike,’ they said.
“‘Sure,’ Mike replied, ‘suppose 1
had been a chorus girl.’ ”
Studied Human Nature.
Wlgley—What, roses? Don’t you
know a girl never marries the man
who sends her flowers?
Oldbach—Sure, I do. f hat’s why 1
always try to keep on the safe side.
Father's Grace.
A young lady, who taught a class
of small boys in the Sunday school,
desired to impress on them the mean
ing of offering thanks before a meal.
Turning to one of the class whose
father was a deacon in the church,
she asked him:
“William, what is the first thing
your father says when he sits down
to the table?"
“He says, ‘Go easy with the butter,
kids; it’s 40 cents a pound,'" replied
the youngster.
Pickled Peppers.
"Now, dearie,” said the nurse, “1
' want you to learn this nice little poem
about ‘Peter Piper Picked a Peck ol
Tickled Peppers.”
“Shan’t!" answered the Boston
child, much in the manner ot other
children.
“Oh, naughty, naughty! Why
Waldo, why won’t you learn this pret
ty poem?”
“For two reasons,” answered Wal
do. “In the first place, the allitera
tion of the line you quote Is so exces
sive as to destroy any literary finish
that such adventitious aids to metri
cal composition might lend If used
more sparingly. And, in the second
place, consider the Impossibility of
picking peppers which have 'already
pickled. The whole thing Is beneath
the attention of any intelligent pep
son.” 4
Sized Up Wrong.
“Good morning, madam ”
“We don’t want no sewin' ma
chines.”
“No?”
“Nor no patent clothes wringer ”
"Indeed?”
"An’ we got two gran’ planners an’
• cabinet orglnd.”
“Yes?”
"An’ every room has a clock an’ all
on us hez watchis.”
“How about^pictures?”
“Kain’t sell us none o’them, neither,
stranger. They ain’t a wall in th’
house ye kin see for the rafts o’ oil
painting's hung on ’em.”
"I suppose you have a dog?”
"Pap hez mor’n forty, an’ all
bloodld.”
“How about carriages?"
• Barns full on ’em. An’ we don’t
buy no hosses on this ranch.”
“Momin’ —say, tenderfut, who bees
ye, anyhow?”
“I’m the tax assessor.”
Cause for Hurry.
It was on an occasion when a Pres
ident of the United States was mak :
Ing a swing around the country. A
man who was carrying the mall on a
weekly route between a Missouri
county seat town and a little post
office out at a country store came
dashing madly down the road In the
direction of the town. A farmer who
saw him coming and wondered at his
great haste, halted him and said:
“What's the matter, Jimson?
What’s your • great hurry this morn
ing?”
“Hurry?” Jimson repeated, "why,
don’tjrou know the President Is to be
In&pFn to-day?”
'Jg)h, I. see,” the farmer replied.
“You want to get there In time to see
him.”
“It’s not that that makes me hurry.”
“It ain't?”
“No, sir! You may not know It,
hut this working for the government
Is a mighty ticklish business, and a
man has got to be awful careful, or
he’ll lose his Job. Now suppose the
President gets off the train down
there and asks about me and I ain’t
there, and he finds out I’m late.
Don’t you see, there’d be trouble right
off, and I might be asked to resign?”
“I see.”
"Yes, sir. So I ain’t taking no
chances. When the President steps
off the train and asks the crowd,
'Where is Jimson?’ I’m going to be
-•there, so I can step right out’and say:
Vjfiere 1 am, sir.’”
HOWARD L BURTON. ASSAYER 4 CHEMIST
SRSWtai „UL
iHvtf. 74c; cold. 40c: cine or copper. 41.
BSuUnc enVelopee end full price lief cent on
EmmMlpb- Control end umpire work eo-
BHtti fßfennrr- Cerbonete Netioml BttN
LATEST NEWS
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■VENTS.
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CURRENT TOPICS.
Ruin Xnmnr Union !*•«■ Sorvlco.
WESTERN.
T
Miss Anna A. Mailer, Socialist lec
turer and writer of Everett, will head
the Socialist state ticket In Washing
ton.
Three volunteer firemen are dead and
five others injured, one probably to
tally, as the result of a fire at Gar
nett, Kan.
In an automobile accident near the
outskirts of Los Angeles Mrs. MabW
Muir, 30 years old, of Colorado Springs
was killed. N
Abe Attell, former featherweight
champion and "Harlem Tommy” Mur
phy will fight twenty rounds in Son
Francisco, July 4th.
Frank M. Cobb, who laid out the
first townsite in Denver, is dead. He
died at the age of eighty in the Coun
ty hospital in Denver.
Two motor-cycle racers were killed
and two others seriously injured while
riding faster than a mile a minute at
the race meet at the San Jose, Calif,
Driving park.
Within the next six months El Paso,
Texas, may secure one of the biggest
meat packing plants in the country,
backed by one of the biggest packers
in the United States.
Claude Wood of Pueblo, Colo., has
been awarded $5,000 damages for in
juries sustained when he was struck
by an auto owned by the Teller Res
ervoir and irrigation Company in No
vember, 1910.
When T. M. Ferguson, a driver in
a trotting race at Santa Cruz, Calif.,
fell dead from his sulky in the stretcn,
Dot McKinney, his mare, finished first
in the race, circled the track and
trotted to her stable.
Mayoress Ella Wilson of Hunnewell,
Kan., in an interview declares that un
der no circumstances will she be a
candidate to succeed herself when her
term of office expires. Further than
that she intends leaving Hunnewell
and probably the state of Kansas.
An Increase of approximately $1.03
a ton on pig iron from Duluth and oth
er points in upper Minnesota and
Michigan to Kansas City, Omaha,
Sioux City, Sioux Falls and other mid
dle western destinations, has been sus
pended by the Interstate Commerce
Commission until Oct. 29.
WASHINGTON.
The tariff board went out of exist
ence because Congress has refused to
furnish money for its work.
Senator Works has introduced an
amendment ' the sundry civil bill pro
viding for an appropriation of $1,250,-
000 to meet the cost of leveeing the
Colorado river, so as to prevent future
floods in the Imperial valley, Califor
nia.
The federal government closed the
fiscal year June 29 with a surplus of
$32,000,000, according to estimates
based on incomplete returns from the
sources of revenue the country over.
This amount far exceeded the most
sanguine expectations of Secretary
McVcagh, who months ago estimated
that the surplus would be $10,250,000.
The terrible death rate in American
coal mines is on the decline, and the
bureau of mines is confident the higo
tlde has been passed. Figures just
given out by the bureau show a de
crease of 317 deaths from coal mining
in the last year, the figures being 2,517
against 2,834 for the previous year
The death rate for 1910 was 3.91 men
in
3.74.
The Italian army- casualties in the
war with Turkey to June 7 were fifty
seven officers and 588 soldiers dead,
according to the announcement of the
Italian minister of war Just received
by the Italian ambassador in Washing
ton. These men were killed or died
from wounds received In battle. In
addition two officers and 325 soldiers
were lost.
President Taft has sent a special
message to Congress recommending
the Immediate appropriation of sl,-
360,000 for the War-Department to use
in the Joint maneuvers of the regular
army and the national piard next
month. The President also asked the
appropriation of $167,000 for urgent
necessities of the War Department.
Both Issues were in the general army
bill which the President vetoed.
SPORT.
Weatera u«(M MiMlw.
Club* Won Lost Pet.
■t. Joseph 41 28 .6*4
Dee Moines 35 32 .522
Sioux City 36 .23 .622
Denver 86 34 .614
Omaha 35 84 .607
Wichita.... 36 36 .600
Topeka 28 37 .421
Lincoln 27 40 .403
A1 Palzer, the New York heavy
weight with "white hope" aspirations,
knocked out Bombardier Weils, the
heavyweight champion of England, In
the third round of a scheduled .ten
round bout at Madison Square garden,
New York. Well's seconds threw up
the sponge as the Britisher dropped
from the effect of a right body blow
and lay inert in the ring.
Hugh Mcintosh, the Australian pro
moter, has written Champion Jack
Johnson and offered him $30,000 for
a bout to be fought In Kangarooland
within the next year. It is supposed
Johnson's prospective antagonist is
Sam Langford, though the name of
that colored fighter Is not mentioned.
MclntOßh offers to post at once, a for
feit of SIO,OOO as a guarantee of good
faith. Johnson haß not yet decided
whether he will accept the offer.
FOREIGN.
The Order of the Red Eagle of the
second class has been conferred by
Emperor William of Germany on Alli
son V. Armour of Now York.
A general campaign of destruction
in the postoffices throughout England
has been Inaugurated by suffragettes.
They smashed the windows of the Con
trol postoffices in London and of the
Reform Club at Manchester.
Herr Schadt, a German aviator, was
killed at Mulhausen, Germany, while
testing a military aeroplane. The air
man flying at a height of 250 yards
made a curve too sharply and the ma
chine fell to the ground and crushed
its occupant.
With a violence hitherto unknown
to western annals there was a tornr d
in Saskatchewan. Canada, that d?l&-
troyed 300 houses, six grain elevators,
50 buildings in the wholesale and busi
ness districts, and caused, according
to a late estimate, 200 deaths.
GENERAL.
A new pipe organ, one of the largest
in the world, has been installed in the
Tabernacle at Zion, 111.
Former United States Senator An
thony Higgins of Delaware is dead. Ho
was seventy-one years old.
Arasmus Page, aged 103, the oldest
newsboy In the world, is dead at Jollec,
111. He worked up to the time of
death.
Frederick W. Lehman, solicitor gen
eral of the United States, has placed
his resignation in the hands of Presi
dent Taft.
The call for the national convention
of the new Progressive party will be is
sued within a few days. Roosevelt fa
vors St. Paul.
Low tide prevented a heavy loss of
life when the steamer Grand Manan,
carrying 600 excursionists, struck a
dredge in the St. Croix river at Calais,
Maine.
. Drury B. Badgely, a wealthy farmer
residing at Pleasant Hill, W. Va„ was
attacked by a swarm of bees, which
settled in his hair and beard and
stung him to death.
Leaders in New York estimated that
2,000 sailors and 2,000 firemen and oil
ers are on strike in.that port, and that
4,000 men were out at Boston, Phila
delphia, Galveston and Norfolk.
Because thirteen-year-old Guy Hur
dle of Washington received a parental
rebuke for exchanging a watch for a
chicken, to which he had taken a
fancy, the boy hanged himself from a
tree.
Ann Boston, the negro woman who
stabbed and killed Mrs. R. E. Jordan,
wife of a prominent planter at Pine
hurst, Ga., recently, was taken from
officers at Cordele by a mob and
lynched.
James Darby, a well known golfer,
lost his life in going to the rescue of
a nine-year-old caddy who had got in
to deep water trying to retrieve a golf
ball from a pond on the links at Glen
Cove, N. Y.
In line with the action of other Bteel
concerns the Pennsylvania Steel Com
pany, it has been announced, advanced
the price of structural steel and steel
bars $1 a ton and also Increased its
rate on steel billets by $2 a ton.
William Marshall Bullitt of Louis
ville, Ky., will be named by President
Taft to succeed Frederick W. Lehmann
of St. Louis as solicitor general of the.
United States, according to a Cabinet
officer who talked with the President.
No official announcement has been
made, but It is thought Mr. Bullitt nas
accepted the place.
Railroads throughout the United
States are being addressed in an ef
fort to exterminate the American
tramp. The Prison Association of New
York, which la directing the work,
wants a federal board to take charge
of the campaign, the state government
to pay their share of the cost-
eOASTORIA
For Infanta and Children.
The Kind You Hava
Always Bought
” ALCOHOL-3 per cent •
BAWgetable Preparation for As- _ ~ #
SgSttSSßttfr Bears the /^A,
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Promotes Direction,Cheerful- M If Ip
nessandßestXonlains neither of #(V All
l> Opium .Morphine run; Mineral /ll.lT
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Mrj» 'fOUDrSAMVUMtn* Jj
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A perfect Remedy for Constipa- f\J if* USB
«n lion. Sour Stomach,Diarrhoea, I I If ww w
5!o Worms .Convulsions .Feverish- I lu M
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Fac Simile Signature ef
Thirfv Ypar<*
it new v ° RK
Exact Copy of Wrapper tm« mmmmv, ■■■ voa« orrr.
What Difference Did It Make?
Walking behind some colored girls,
homeward bound from school. In a
Missouri town once upon a time, a
visitor overheard the following un
blushing and giggling, rich-voiced and
sparkling-eyed assertion of individu
ality from one of them: "Yeh, she
kep’ me in, but I don' know inny mo'
'bout Caesar now 'n I did befo’ han’.
An' ef she kep' me In twel Gabriel
blows his horn I wudden know an' I
wudden care. What diffunce it make
to me whut ol' man Caesar done away
yandeh befo’ de wawf” —Evening Post.
Astonishing Experience.
The whale, after parting with Jo
nah, was gazing after his retreating
form.
“If any one had told me,’’ murmur
ed the great mammal, bitterly, “that 1
would find a man ready to jump down
my throat, I never would have swal
lowed It whole."
It always makes good 1 What? Garfield
Tea, the Natural Laxative, composed entirely
of pure, wholesome and healthgivlng herbs.
A man Is judged by the company
he keeps, and by the cigars he gives
away.
Smile on wash day. That's when yon
use Red Cross Bag Blue. Clothes whiter
than snow. All grocers.
When a man’s conscience troubles
him he thinks be has indigestion.
A woman laughs when she can and
weeps when she will.—Proverb.
1l A vanished thirst— a coni body and a refreshed one; the W
I sure way—the only way is via a glass or bottle of Ayh
I Gm()c&
I Ideally deßdoos—pore as purity—crisp and sparkling as frost. j
Pi.--. Qnf mw bnokhfr tel Sac of Ooci'Colo I
* TindkMtooaiChMnoofOafortkearidafr Wlmiir |
-J 511 ___ r JZTi£y a ?lzr ”*■ bf fKi/SiS I
The Wretchedness
of Constipation
Can quickly be overcome by
CARTER’S LITTLE
LIVER PILLS.
Purely vegetable
—act surely and
gently on the
liver. Cure V!LLKI
Biliousness, Hly tK
Head- I ■ PIL ± 5,
ache, Qy
Dizzi- ~
ness, and Indigestion. They do their duty.
SMALL PILL, SMALL DOSE, SMALL PRICE.
Genuine must bear Signature
A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY.
In this age of research and experiment, all nature
Is ransacked by the scientific forth© comfort and haw*
Bnessof man. Science has Indeed made giant stride#
i the past century, and among the—by no mean#
least Important—discoveries In medicine Is that of
Tberaplon, which haa been need with great success in
French Hospitals and that it la worthy the attention
of those who suffer from kidney, bladder, nenrou#
ill Vlases, chronic weaknesses, ulcers, skin eruptions,
piles, Ac., there Is no doubt. In fact It seems evident
from the big stir created amongst specialists, that
THERAPION la destined to cast Into oblivion all
those questionable remedies that were formerly tb#
sole rellanoe of medical men. It la of course Impos
sible to tell sufferers all we should like to toll went
In this short article, but thoae who would Ilk# to
know more about this remedy that haa. effected DO
many—we might almost say, miraculous cures,
should send addressed envelop# for fBIB book w
Dr. Le Clare Med. Havers Lock Boad, Hampstead.
London, Bng. and decld# fortbemaefvea whethertb#
New French Remedy “THERAPION - No. 1, Ho. 9
or No. 8 is what they require and have been seeking
In vain during a life of misery, suffering, 111 bcaltll
and unhappiness. Tberaplon la soldby druggists of
mall 11.00. jfongera Go., 90 Beekman &, New Fork.
STUDENTS—BARN 810 MONET—During
vacation sell guaranteed hosiery; the Una
that repeats; our credit plan help# you; writ#
for partlculara LEHR A CO., Denver, Colo.
W. N. U., DENVER, NO. 27-1912.