Newspaper Page Text
Willie —Paw, what Is a telling situ ation? Paw —Any occasion when two or more women meet Stag and Doe. "Why do so many or the fellows go to tfie big dances stag?" “On account of the scarcity of doe, perhaps." Getting Back at Him. This one is told about an East end dancing class. There was a young woman who taught a good deal about ancestry and descent, and there was a young man who thought that all such stuff was snobbish. The two sat out Ja- dance together, and the girl mounted her hobby' almost at once. "What was your father?" Inter rupted the young man. “Father was a gentleman." . “But what did he do for a living?” The young man thought that smart but the girl came right back. "What was your father?’” she asked. * "My father raised hogs.” "I see he did. But what did he da for a living?" Subtlety Does It. J. Ogden Armour, apropos of leap year, said at a luncheon at the Audi torium in Chicago: "A girl can take advantage of leap year without being at all unmalden ly. There are subtle and delicate ways of doing things, and such ways are just as efficacious as brutal, knock-me-down ones. “There’s a girl named Jones, who, having been engaged altogether too long, took advantage of leap year to hurry on her wedding. But she ac complished this delicately. She just signed a letter to her fiancd, ‘As al ways, Edith Jones,' and she under scored ’always’ and ‘Jones' very heavily. “The marriage in consepuence was celebrated next month.” His Good Name. William Dean Howells, the famous novelist, enjoys the public confi dence in an unusual degree. It was doubtless on this account that a New York promotor recently offered Mr. Howells the presidency of a new mining company at a salary of $25,- 000 a year. s "But sir,” Mr. Howells protested, "I know nothing about mining or finances.” "Oh, that makes no difference,” the promotor replied. “We won’t expect you to do any work. We only want to use your name, you know.” - But Mr. Howells shook his head. “No,” he said, “no, I must decline. If my name Is so well worth using. It must be equally well worth protect ing.” Appearances Deceptive. The sign on Farmer Jones' place, "No hunting or fishing allowed' here," didn't keep little Tommy Lewis from crawling under the fence. Tommy sneaked along the ravine, fishing pole ln-one hand an a can of bait In another. Finally he came to a place where a large cottonwood tree was growing. After casting an eye in every directl&n and satisfy ing himself that the farmer was not in sight, he began to unravel his line. He was just baiting his hook when the farmer appeared. “Didn’t you read that sign on the fence 7” the farmer asked. “Sure, I did,” said Tommy, "and I ain’t fishin’; I’m just learning this little worm to swim.” Hunger of a Prince. ■ ■ — " An English actor was a member of a company snowbound in the Sierras while en route from California to the Bast, so that they all had a magnifi cent hunger when the train reached a ■mall station at which there was a restaurant, and the Englishman was the first to find a seat at a table. “Bring me in a hurry,”- he said to the landlord, a burly Western man, "a porterhouse steak, some deviled kid neys, a brace of chops, plenty of veg etables and two bottles of Bass’s bit ter beer.” The landlord stuck his head out of the dining room and yelled to some body in the rear apartment: “Say, Bill’ tell the band to play 'Rule, Brltania;’ the Prince of Wales has come.” Too Easy. Parson White’s precautionary meas ure of protecting his chicken coop with chilled steel bars was futile, for that very night four more of his choice Leghorns disappeared, leaving the sev ered bars as the only visible evidence »f the theft. However, his suspicions pointed toward his next-door neighbor, whom he had Been prowling around in Pis yard that day, and accordingly he Pad his suspect up in the police court the next morning. “If the prisoner can file an alibi I'll let him off with a suspended sen tence,” announced the fudge at the end t>f the evidence. "Can you file an alibi, Ham?” " .1 guess I can,” eagerly rejoined the suspect, “if it ain’t any harder den Pahson White’s chicken coop bars.’’ IOWARD E. BURTON, ASSAYER l CHEMIST USADTILLB. COLORADO. Ipeclraen prices: Oold. silver, lead. $1; cold, illver. 75c: gold. 60c; sine or copper. SI. Hailing envelopes and full price list sent on application. Control and umpire work so lotted. Reference: Carbonate National Bank Denver. Colo., will send. free, a useful pres ent ana a valuable book. "HoW to Become Host Successful/* to all who writs this wash. LATEST NEWS EPITOMIZED FR(LM REPORT# THAT COVER THE WEEK*# EVENTS. OF MOSTJNTEREST KEEPING THE READER POSTED ON MOST IMPORTANT CURRENT TOPICS. Wsstsrn Newipatitr Union K«wi Servlcs. WESTERN. San Francisco's municipal railroad 1b well on the way to completion. Denver, Los Angeles and Omaha won the prizes lor mileage at the re cent Portland Klks’ grand lodge con vention. The Williams and Bartlett Springs stage was held up at the Prim grade, about thirty-live miles Irom Williams, California, the robbers obtaining $2,- 300 in cash, besides much Jewelry. While en route Irom Kansas City to Helena. Mont., Mrs. H. J. Mock ol the lirst named city jumped through the window ol the Pullman sleeping car in which she was traveling, ana was instantly killed. Meagre and delayed advices Irom Lovelock, Nevada, state that in a re currence ol the llood at Mazuma and Seven Troughs, a high wall ol water swept both towns and sent the terri tled inhabitants to the hills. It is estimated that ninety per cent, ol the street railway employes on the surlace lines in Chicago have voted in lavor ol a strike unless their de mands lor increased wages and im proved working conditions are met. Information that Sidna Allen and Wesley Edwards, the Virginia outlaws, were believed v to be in hiding in the vicinity of Seattle, caused the authori ties to conduct a thorough search ol the surrounding country for the men, but neither was found. Frank Holloway, who confessed in Chicago to robbing the Westminster, B. C., bank of $375,000; the Panama City bank of $85,000, and to the kill ing of seven men, escaped recently from the Texas penitentiary. The gov ernor has offered a $2,000 reward lor his re-capture. That her pets may not be annoyed on their journey to New York, Mrs. Malcolm "Whitman ol San Francisco, the former Miss Jennie A. Crocker, has engaged a special car for a score ol high-priced animals, including Sir Barney Blue, the champion Boston terrier, and. Halcyon Alexandre, the world's famous French bull. In the twenty-one years of the his tory of the National Irrigation Con gress, there never has been another time when such wide-spread Interest was manifested in the splendid work of that organization as is now shown in its twentieth session, which is to be held in Salt Lake City Sept. 30 to Oct. 3. The United States has become a half billion ton coal country. During the last two years the total production has averaged Just a trifle short of the 500,000,000 mark, exceeding that fig ure in 1910 and almost reaching it in 1911. It is considered probable that in the future it will be a bad year whose production falls far short of this quantity. The figures of produc tion have been compiled by Edward- W. Parker, the government coal sta tistician in Washington. Articles of incorporation have been filed in Salt Lake City for the Provo & Eastern Utah Railroad Company. It is announced the new company will build a railroad from Sprlngville to Jensen, Utah, a point near the Utah- Colorado line, and later will extend the road to Steamboat Springs, Colo., the present terminus of the Moffat line. The incorporators denied that, the new road is to be affiliated with the Moffat line. The new company is incorporated for $10,000,000. SPORT. WESTERN LEAGUE STANDING. CLUB. Won. Lost. Pet. Denver 63 15 .683 St. Joseph 67 48 .638 Omaha 67 J® -6*3 Des Moines 54 60 .619 SlolK City 63 61 .610 Wichita .. 61 66 .481 .Lincoln If 65 .471 Topeka 37 68 .362 Ad Wolgast and Packey McFarland have been matched to fight ten rounds at New York September 27th. Jim Flynn, who was defeated by Jack Johnson at Las Vegas, has drawn the color line, declaring he will not fight another negro. Bill Barnett, the colored tighter, and the "Fighting Newsboy” (Charlie Pie.- son), Denver, are Bigned to meet at Sllverton, Colo., as the main event of the Labor Day celebration. Both are in active training WASHINGTON. Congress now plans to adjourn Au gust 16. The trial of Judge Archbald of the United States Commerce Court on Im peachment proceedings is set for De cember 3. The compromise wool bill agreed to by the House and Senate, repassed the House and will now be taken up In the Senate. A bill to create a Lincoln memorial highway from Boston to San Francis co has been filed in the House by Rep resentative Taylor of Colorado. According to the figures In the "Sta tistical Abstract of the United States', 1911," more than 16,000,000 votes will be pollod In 1912. With a population of 90,000,000 the total voting strength of the country la about 18,000,000. Tbe Sdnato, 42 to 17, passed over President Taft's veto a bill to reim burse those wbo furnished labor and supplies to contractors on the Corbett tunnel In the Shoshone, Wyo., Irriga tion project, to the extent of $42,000. Efforts are being made to have the $1,000,000 unexpended balance of the money appropriated for the Mississip pi flood sufferers diverted by Con gress for use In relief of the American refugees now pouring into El Paso from Mexico. That President Taft will veto the wool bill as passed by the Senate or in any modified form as a result of the House action and conference on the measure as finally agreed to, is the assertion of those wbo assume to speak for him. Danger of important Panama canal legislation being sidetracked during tbe present session of Congress is causing considerable concern to the President and the secretary of war, and there is a possibility of a presiden tial message on the question. After a three-hour debate behind closed doors, the Senate, 61 to 4, adopted the Lodge resolution defining the attitude of the United States in disapproval of the acquisition by for eign interests of any territory on the western hemisphere which might be used as a military or naval Bffse or menace “the approaches” of this country. Further limitations curbing contri butions to political campaigns were Incorporated in a bill agreed on by the Senate committee on privileges and elections and reported to the Senate for passage. Predictions are made that it would be enacted Into law at once. By the new bill all corporations are prohibited from contributing money or anything of value to the nomination or election of presidential electors, representatives in Congress or state legislators who elect senators. GENERAL. Mrs. Daisy Ople Grace was declared not guilty of trying to kill her hus band, by a jury at Atlanta, Ga. Twenty-nine lumber companies do ing business In. Missouri have been found guilty of violating anti-trust laws. Chicago street car men favor a strike by an 8,939 to 171 vote unless their demands for higher wages are granted. Four persons were burned to death and three others injured, one proba bly fatally. In a hotel fire in Fairleo. Vermont. Albert E. Tower, a New York capi talist, has filed suit in the Superior Court against John C. Wilson, San Francisco broker, charging that Wil son had defrauded him out of $142,000 in a mining deal. The wheat harvest of Minnesota and the two Dakotas will break all records this year. The yield will be 265,000,- 000 bushels this year, as against 198,- 000,000 bushels In 1905, the highest previous mark ever attained. Essla Carter, who Is in the Macon, Ga., hospital as the result of a whip ping Inflicted upon her recently at Dawson by three men, Is in a serious condition, and the attending physi cians and relatives are alarmed. Sworn statements tending to show that the annual graft collected by hign police officials In New York from gambling houses and other Illegal re sorts has amounted, within the last year, to $2,400,000, are in the hands of District Attorney Whitman. The police have completed an In ventory of the art treasures, bric-a brac, jewelry, sliver plate and other articles stolen by Jacob F. Guthrie, alleged society burglar and forger, now under arrest In Chicago, and an nounced that the plunder recovered Is estimated to be worth $350,000. Hot upon the sensational announce ment that boodle to the tune of s*!,- 400,000 per annum has been divided by the "system" represented by Police Lieutenant Charles A. Becker of New York now under indictment for insti gating murder, District Attorney Whit man let it be known that no "squeal” will save the bacon of the deposed head of the “strong arm” squad. "Mur der," Whitman declared, “Is an even more monstrous crime than graft in the police department." PROOF ENOUGH. Mrs. Lore—Yes, Fred's love is cool jig. Mrs. Dove—What makes you think so? Mrs. Love—When we were on our honeymoon he broke two teeth trying to eat my biscuits. Now he soaks them in hot tea for half an hour. RED, ROUGH HANDS MADE SOFT AND WHITE For red, rough, chapped and bleed ing hands, dry, fissured, itching, burn ing palms, and painful finger-ends, with shapeless nails, a one-night Cut!- cura treatment works wonders. Di rections: Soak the hands, on retir ing, in hot water and Cuticura Soap. Dry, anoint with Cuticura Ointment, and wear soft bandages or old, loose gloves, during the night These pure, sweet and gentle emollients preserve the hands, prevent redness, roughness and chapping, and impart in a single night that velvety softness and white ness so much desired by women. For those whose occupations tend to in jure the hands, Cuticura Soap and Cu ticura Ointment are wonderful. Cuticura Soap and Ointment sold throughout the world. Sample of each free, with 32-p. Skin Book. Address post-card "Cuticura, Dept. I j, Boston.” Too 8leepy. Physician—What can I do for you? Patient—My foot gets asleep often and I want something to give it in somnia. Paxtlne Antiseptic sprayed into the nasal passages t« a surprisingly suc cessful remedy for catarrh. At drug gists, 25c a box or sent postpaid on re ceipt of price by The Paxton Toilet Co., Boston, Mass. Eph Wiley says he has noticed that the man with a long chin is the one most likely to accentuate it by wear ing whiskers. Makes the laundress happy—that's Red Cross Bag Blue. Makes beautiful, olaar white clotues. All good grocers. And many a father loses all inter est in the prohibition movement when the baby cries for water at 2:00 a. m. Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup for Children teething, softens the gums, reduces Inflamma tion, allays pain, cures wind colic, 2Sc a bottle. In the eyes of a silly girl clothes make a mighty poor specimen of a man look like the real thing. Sharp Pains In the BacK *&"sb Hare you a jr^— jOL lame back, ach- ni fcKUT) ing day and K? night? Do you feel a sharp pain after pA bending over? I\ \ When the kid- \K neya seem sore rTPyA' and the action l ■QA Irregular, use Vjxv \m Doan's Kidney Pills, which have cured thousands. A Colorado Case John T. Scantling. Trinidad, Colo., says: “I was confined to bed so help less I had to be fed. Nothing helped me until I used Doan's Kidney Pills, and they did me a world of good. X have never missed a day's work since.” Get Doan's at any Drug Store, 50c. a Box Doan’s “KSr EVERY CHILD SHOULD HAVE THE yrnL+jP Faultless Starch Twin Dolls ✓' r sgE^ s V IDuUDjWUtoaailßwPkotbtPrba. fd x.’affiLariSft teLfsa ssg&tA&si pSjgiw^ | V ) ] and staff, will bo aent to »nr addrow, po«trmid, on ro- \ Kfft±T±±r9 a V '111! II li J celpt of •ixfrontaof lPcent Faultlea* Stare □ pack asm, \ K££&tflp £ > ■ or twelve fronts of ft oont ran It leas Btareh pack asm \ MlMiMs W C * 1 • . front# or six 5 cent front* and 4 cents In stamps. Cat V 1 oaft fete ad. It will ba aooepUd la plaoo of OMIO latiwi w>i,iP coat front, or two ft coat fronts. Tr^r FAULTUSS STAKCU CO.. Uw Ckj, lb. L^Jj WHERE DOCTORS FAILED TO HELP Lydia E. Pinkham’a Vegeta* Me Compound Restored Mrs. Green’s Health— Her Own Statement. A, Covington, Mo.—"Your medicine fcaa dona me mare good then ell the doe- ■ tor’s medicines. At I every monthly period II had to stay in bed I four days because of | hemorrhages, and my back was so weak I could hardly walk. I have been taking Lydia E. Pinkbam’a Vegetable Com pound and now I can stay np and do say work. I think it ta the best medicine on earth for women.” —Mrs. Jennie Green, Covington, Ma How Mrs. Cline Avoided Operation. Brownsville, Jnd.— "I can say that Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Copi pound has done me more good than anything else. One doctor said I most be opera ted upon for a serious female trouble and that nothing could help me bat an operation. "1 had hemorrhages and at timen could not get any medicine to stop them. I got in such a weak condition that I would have died if I had not got relief soon. “ Several women who had taken year Compound, told me to try it and I dad and found it to be the right medicine to build up the system and overcome female troubles.' "lam now in great deal better health than I ever expected to be, so 1 Uriah I ought to thank you for it. "—Mrs. O. M. Cline, S. Main St, Brownsville, IndL Your Liver Is Clogged Up That's Why You're Tired-Out of Sects —Hare No Appetite, CARTER’S LIVER PILLS will put you right a few days.UITTLE their 1 dutyI HUfc \\. SmS stipation, ~ ,i === i Biliousness, Indigestion and Sick Headache SHALL PILL, SHALL DOSE. SHALL HUC* Genuine must bear Signature ALABAMA NEEDS 50,000. FARMERS Dairymen and stock raisers to supply bar local markets with butter, poultry, vege tables, hogs and cattle. The best lands in the world can be had at $5.00 to $3040 per acre, on easy terms. Let us help yea to get a farm in Alabama, where tin climate is delightful, where you can rales several crops each year on the same and find a ready market for the same. W# are supported by the State and sell no lands. Write for information and lifratmsu STATE BOARD OF IMMIGRATION MONTGOMERY ALABAMA I Readers V teed in it* column* should lad* gm H having what they aak (or, refoeg al ■ mUftihi*.. or imitations. H ■J DAISY FLY KILLER £!£? XTSS £ ai««. mu. «*—■ ntd« ot metal, can*t«pU»#* Up overt wtn »o< mu mm I I D o r e aaythiaa. Guaranteed rfertlva Sold by dealer*«« VBSOBHW • HU( prepaid Perm. BABOLD S0MSBS. ISO DsKalb Aw. Braafcly*, B. E. lOBX I» THOMPSON SONS Wft^lSIWP BUY BOOD LAND Tropical Mexico. Write for Information. MBS l^gMPi.WAWi/«jg1g AGENTS AND OTHER8I Got our up-to-date specialty, tuoney-aaafclns pro* oeitlon; Sue cam log and hu tuple 16c; second aaima your chojoe, free. Blits city Bapyly Ct.,la.n,Otn*JyA W. N. U., DENVER, NO. 32-1912.